The Last O.G. (2018) s01e01 Episode Script

Pilot

1 TRAY: Every night, I have the same dream.
[SIREN WAILS] [GUNSHOTS] It's the night I got arrested.
The night of the final episode of "American Idol," season one.
Whoa, whoa [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [SINGING INDISTINCTLY] Go Justin, go Justin My main man, my main man [SINGING INDISTINCTLY] Oh, yeah [SINGING INDISTINCTLY] SHAY: Oh! Look at my man, cooking food.
- Get it, boy.
- You know that.
Yes! I love cooking for my boo.
And I love you for that shit.
Thank you, baby.
I just want your booty to get as big as humanly possible.
Boy, you crazy.
You dumb as hell.
No, I'm serious.
I want it to look like one of them cartoon centaurs.
You know, half man, half horse.
So you want some of that magical booty.
Some of that mythological ass.
[LAUGHS] You been reading Greek mythology, boy? Yes, yes, yes.
You got me.
Ooh, the show about to start.
Shut up, shut up.
I'm calling it right now, Justin gonna win.
Boy, please.
Kelly is way more talented.
Unh-unh, that boy got pure talent.
Look at him.
Look at him.
His voice is butter.
[VOCALIZING] [LAUGHS] You're so silly.
I love you, Shay.
Mm.
I love you, too.
[CHEERING] [SIGHS] Tray.
Hmm? - We need to talk.
- About what? - [SHARP WHISTLE] - I got - [WHISTLING] - Let me get up.
What? Tray, don't! [WHISTLING] Shay, just Tivo that for me.
I'll be right back.
Tray, you promised me.
I'm gonna go get a blunt and a candy bar.
I'll be right back.
Are you serious, Tray? [DOOR OPENS] Wait for me! You got me? Come on, you know I got you, son.
Bobby, who was badder, Michael or Vito? - In "Godfather," man.
- Vito.
Wrong.
I'm gonna give you another shot on the way back.
Think about it.
Yo, why you embarrassing me right now? You embarrassing me.
Yo, I told you to watch it three times.
[DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE] [BELL JINGLES] [DOOR CLOSES] - Papa! - Yeah, my friend? - Give me the usual.
- Mm.
Guarini's gonna win tonight.
No, no, no, you're wrong.
Watch, his curls is looking kind of tight.
Too tight, huh? Yeah, well, just make sure you where you're supposed to be at is all I'm saying.
All right.
[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO] What's up, Wavy? Dinner's ready.
Five girls, five boys.
Give me 20 minutes.
Watch this, baby.
Don't get cocky, nigga.
[DOGS BARKING IN DISTANCE] Yo, Tivo that for me, Shay! Yo, Tray! Michael! Michael's badder.
Why? Uh, 'cause he's not Vito.
Keep trying! Uh, the kid is bugged out.
Hey, what's up? Boy, girl? [SIREN CHIRPS, TIRES SQUEAL] Aww, shit! - Your hands in the air! - Aw! Hands up, man! Come on! NYPD! Put 'em up! - Hands up! - Keep 'em up! Keep 'em up! Keep them up! You have the right to remain silent.
Ca caw! MAN: Do you understand your rights at this time? TRAY: I didn't do nothing! [MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] Sha-a-a-a-a-y! That was 15 years ago.
I haven't seen my girl since.
Prison will change a man.
I'm wiser now.
But still, I remain humble.
I also might be the best chef the world has ever known.
You gonna give up that recipe before you go? If you give a man a fish, he eats dinner.
But if you teach a man to fish Yo, yo, there's fish in it? I'm doing a proverb [BLEEP] Prison pad Thai.
Don't go overboard on the peanut butter.
Two packets are too much.
[SIGHS] Now it's time for me to go out to the world and make it a better place with my sage advice.
Barker, you ready? Ready as your mother was after I sucked her titties last night, Wilson.
[DOOR BUZZES] Don't let us see you back here, Tray.
Man, I just want to take a shower by myself.
I never want to see another penis in my life, not even my own.
MAN: Tray! We gonna miss that food, Tray! Y'all don't deserve my food, you honey bunny eating [BLEEP] MAN #2: Hey, T-Money leaving the building, y'all! Hey, give it up! [CHANTING "TRAY!"] TRAY: Second chances are a beautiful thing.
When I went away, my neighborhood was hanging on by a thread thanks to dealers like me.
This time, I'm gonna be a force for positive change.
This time, I'ma do it right.
[PRISON DOOR SLAMS] [SIREN WAILS] Hey, yo, I'm back after nine years That's 36 seasons is changed up for all types of reasons I want respect These streets was my playground once I was the Mack across the 110th - Watch it! - I'm sorry, my bad.
It's not Michelin-starred, it's Michelin-rated.
It's a huge difference.
Honey, have some seaweed.
Open up.
Seaweed is alkalizing.
Yes, it's good for digestion.
[BLEEP] happened to Brooklyn?! Brooklyn! [SIGHS] Damn.
Papi's is gone, too.
Y'all little nigga slingin', huh? Chasing that paper? Huh? Get that money, huh? Then what, huh? You see me? I used to be just like y'all little niggas, man.
Just like y'all.
Boom, plot twist.
I got locked up for 15 years.
15 years! Y'all little niggas need to check your own potential, man.
- Y'all little niggas need - Actually, sorry to interrupt.
We're just waiting for our friend.
Aah! Let's go to brunch, bitches! Aah! Come on, bitch! [LAUGHS] Oh, my God, that guy was just acting so weird just now.
You've got a way Wow.
Shay done pulled a George Jefferson and moved on up.
Feeling bad 'Cause you gone away Damn, there she is.
Looking beautiful.
I feel so bad - Josh? - Coffee? Oh, she got a roommate.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
Mwah.
Was it something I did wrong? Or is it you found [SLOW MOTION] A white dude?! Aah! [BIRDS CHIRPING] [DOORBELL BUZZES] MULLINS: Dicklicker? Tray Barker.
I'm new.
I'm coming in from Southfield.
Come on in, Dicklicker.
[DOOR BUZZES] So check this out.
So I catch up to him, right? And then I grab him by the back of his head and tear out three of them grey-ass dreadlocks.
And I say, "Hey, brother.
" Look like you outta locks.
" [LAUGHS] You get it? Out of locks.
And that's right off the head.
That's that's the improv class.
Yo, money grip.
This the halfway house or open mic for fat, black dudes? Who in here is Mullins? I'm Mullins, Dicklicker.
I just did 15 years in prison, and I ain't licked a dick once.
And I ain't gonna start with you, Al Roker.
[LAUGHTER] Orientation in my office now.
See this place? This is my castle.
A'ight? I'm the king.
Yeah, well, your castle smell like a group of Jamaicans in an elevator, slap-boxing.
I like I like that.
I like wittiness.
I like the fact that you think you funny, but you ain't funny as me, so don't you worry about that.
What you have to understand is that this well-oiled facility, I oversee all this.
[PAINTING CLATTERS] Don't worry about that.
I'll get that later.
All you need to know are the rules.
Rule number one is all common areas need to stay clean.
Two, make up your bed.
Three, never find yourself in trouble.
Four, no playing with your plantain.
Five, no fornicating after 4:00.
And Six, always make your curfew, otherwise, you out.
I just found out the woman that I love is with a white dude.
Look like a Duke lacrosse player.
What, you surprised? You thought she was just gonna wait for you? [LAUGHS] Shit, man.
I'm gonna say this to you, and this is not a sexist comment at all, but all women are petty as [BLEEP] Hell no, not Shay! Okay? She's my queen.
She just got lost.
Yeah, she got lost on another man's bouncy house.
[LAUGHS] Why everything with you gotta be about dick? What?! The phallus is the number one piece of universal comedy gold.
Everybody love a good dick joke.
You know it's like Tom, Dick, and Harry.
You heard about that, right? Nobody gives a shit about Harry.
Everybody want to know who Dick is.
I'm not here to laugh, okay? I'm here to inspire.
I'm hear to teach young, at-risk kids TOGETHER: on the verge of making the same mistake as you did.
Ah, come on, man.
You don't think I haven't heard this before? You just another dusty-ass street prophet.
Every fool-ass convict come through that door think that they Laurence Fishburne in "Boyz N the Hood.
" Then they find out the 'hood gone.
Man, the neighborhood's been gentrified.
What you need to be concerned with is getting caught in some recidivism.
Some what? [STAMMERING] Re-cid-ivism.
Recidivism.
That's what I said.
Fine.
Come on, let's take a walk, man.
Ah, don't you put your hand in [BLEEP] candy corn.
Don't touch my shit.
At the same time, we need to, spiritually speaking - Okay.
- focus on how we contribute - two cents - Here they go.
Here they go right here.
This is exactly what I'm talking about, Barker.
Too many mentors.
Not enough mentees.
Jaybird, Felony, meet Tray.
- 'Sup? - 'Sup? 'Sup? I look forward to guiding y'all on your personal journeys.
You can guide me, but you can walk with me But what is a journey but a beginning, middle, and end Shut the [BLEEP] up.
Come on.
This is the barracks.
You're bunk number five.
Name's Erwin, but everybody call me Big Country.
Big Country? Well, we gonna have to swap bunks, man.
I'm not trying to die tonight.
[LAUGHS] You're funny, man.
Funny? What the hell? You want to hear some funny? All right, I got a good one for you right here.
What's the difference between a hard-on and a Bugatti? I don't have a Bugatti.
[LAUGHS] You mean to tell me you got an erection right now? No.
You know what? You got one week to find a job, otherwise, you outta here.
I ain't got no damn erection.
Ask me about no erection.
If that thing lasts more than four hours, call a doctor.
- [LAUGHS] - What up, Big Country? What's up, Tray? [SNORING] [SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE] I love you.
I love you, baby.
Can I make love to her? [GASPS] No, man! Get out my face, man.
Get your nuts out my face, please.
Gustavo.
Yeah, thank you, Gustavo.
Please leave.
Now! Okay, okay.
Damn, Clyde.
When I heard you got murdered, man, I cried for days in my cell, man.
I should have been there.
Now it seem like the whole world done moved on, man.
I feel like Rip Van Winkle in this [BLEEP] and I don't even know who he is! But I know if you was here, you'd probably say some shit like BOBBY: Yo, Tray! Clyde?! Yo, behind you! Clyde?! Nah, man, it's me, Bobby.
Clyde's little brother.
Oh, that's what's up.
[THUD] Tray? Fredo! What's that? Michael killed Fredo, his own brother.
That's what made him badder, you know what I'm saying? You remember asking me who was badder in "Godfather," Michael or Vito.
- I remember.
- Yeah.
That's when he became a villain.
You never sacrifice your family for the life.
Yeah, that's real right there, son.
The last time I saw you, you were Like 14, 15.
Yeah, now look at you, man.
Looking like a broke-ass Tupac One-pac.
Oh, oh, okay.
All right, well, um, you the one out here looking elderly.
- [CHUCKLES] No.
- Looking like you passing out from calcium deficiency.
You looking like Sgt.
Slaughter's illegitimate son.
You look like, uh, Chicken George - at the end of "Roots.
" - [LAUGHS] You got one arm longer than the other, and you clap like this.
[LAUGHS] Oh, okay.
So, is that you? - 'Cause you smell so bad - Shut up, man! I got a gland problem.
My My bad.
I thought you outgrow that type of stuff.
I ain't I ain't What you been doing? Well, you know, I'm doing the same old same.
You know, business been slow, weed game is kind of - It's been tight, man.
- Still slingin'? You gonna end up in prison, Bobby.
Look, ain't nobody scared of jail.
Look, I know mad people in there.
Plus, all they do is rap and work out.
In prison, as pretty as you are, you would be a perfect 10.
Thank you, man.
That's that's not good, Bobby.
They will turn your butthole into a parking garage.
Start putting all kind of cars in there, man.
Buicks, Cutlass Sierras, Oldsmobiles.
Somebody gonna put a Hummer in there.
You don't want nobody parking no Hummer in there.
- I don't want no Hummer.
- No, man.
You don't want your rectum turned into a parking garage, man.
That's not what you want.
You don't want nobody parking no Hummer in there, man.
This is my neighborhood, man.
Things done changed.
Just like "Planet of the Apes," man.
Weird.
Like when Zira was talking to Dr.
Zaius, and she said, "What do you think they'll find out there, Doctor?" And he said, "Their destiny.
" The worst part is with Shay, man.
She done moved on and got a new man.
Hey, what is you talking about? What happened to the dude that I knew, that I idolized? You Big Tray Diesel, man.
Go get your girl, Tray.
I wouldn't even know where to begin.
Look, we do it like everybody else.
We start from the beginning.
With God.
No.
The Internet.
[MUSIC PLAYING] Ooh, won't you believe I will love you through infinity [APPLAUSE] I will love you through infinity Shay Shay.
Welcome, everyone, and thank you so much for being here.
I'm gonna bring it down for a sec.
The U.
S.
has over 600,000 homeless.
These are our friends.
Our family members.
Our [BOTTLE RATTLES] Ex-convicts.
Doing time in the house! - [CROWD MURMURING] - They are us.
That is why I am so very proud to be a part of the Rest Easy Initiative.
You tell 'em, Shay! We've already raised enough money to buy over 2,000 brand-new beds.
Yes, yes, y'all! But there is so much more that we can do.
I heard that.
We will eradicate homelessness.
Damn right.
One bed at a time.
- [APPLAUSE] - Thank you.
You're welcome.
Thank you so much.
[MUSIC RESUMES] That was quite the speech, Shannon.
So articulate.
You should think about politics.
- Excuse me.
- You have a gift.
I'll let you guys finish in just two seconds.
Shay, I just want to say it's me, Tray.
I'm back.
And I just want to say, you know, even though you didn't come visit me, 15 years I was incarcerated, all is forgiven.
Come here and give me some love.
[LAUGHS] Tray, you are quite the funny man.
You know, he's one of our former homeless.
Can you excuse us for just a second? Indeed.
- Come on, Shay, come on.
- Shh! This is velour, man.
This is velour! You all pink champagne'd up now, huh? Nigga, you got some nerve thinking you can crash my event.
How dare you! Damn, hello to you, too.
- Shannon? - I tried to stop him, Shannon.
Everything good? You okay? She all right, home boy.
I'm gonna send her to you soon.
I'm sorry, are we gonna have to tussle, hombre? Tussle? Hombre? What the [BLEEP] is this, "West Side Story"? - Josh.
- Yeah? Sweetie bear, please wait for me inside.
Yeah, go on in and have some of that pink stuff.
It looked delicious.
- I got this.
- Hey, I'm watching you.
I'm watching you, too, mangina.
I am not a mangina.
I'm just a regular man.
At last by ourselves.
[LAUGHS] 15 years you been outta my life, you think you're just gonna be able to walk right back in it, huh? Hell no! There's the old Shay.
I got by Shannon now, not Shay.
You calling yourself by your government name now? Bitch, do you know how hard I had to work to pull myself up out the gutter? How long did it take for you to marry that white man in there? Josh is a good man.
He writes voiceovers for Anthony Bourdain.
Yeah, but do you love him, though? Yes, I do.
[DOOR OPENS] SHAHZAD: Mom! Amira's trying to poison me with peanuts.
I am not.
Yes, you are! Amira, Shahzad, go inside with your father now.
Are you okay? I'm fine.
Go inside right now.
Tray, I know what you want to say.
How old are they? - 15.
- Twins? - Tray - Scientifically speaking, how did you and a Caucasian man make two kids whose last name could be Wesley and Snipes? - Good night, Shannon! - [LAUGHS] Good night, Mr.
and Mrs.
Washington.
Your support is appreciated.
When I get home, I'm going to write you a very large check! Oh, you are so kind.
[LAUGHS] Listen to me, Tray.
Those kids didn't grow up the way that we did.
They got nice friends.
They go to a nice school.
If those are my kids, I deserve to know.
Two, three, four Since you been gone - Not now, Bobby! - Say what?! - Not right now! - This the loudest it go! Look, I told you not to leave.
I told you not to go out there and sell that rock, but you went, anyway.
You could have gave them Wavy.
I don't snitch.
And that's why I didn't tell you about the kids, Tray.
Because wherever you go, you bring chaos! I don't bring chaos! Yes, you do! - Huh?! - Not now, Bobby! Oh, oh, okay.
You say [TIRES SQUEAL] - Oh! Oh! - What happened? Oh, look, my bad, Tray! You look gorgeous, Shay! Um, oh, you all right, man.
Oh, yeah, you go ahead, walk this off, baby.
You gonna be just fine.
God damn it, Tray! You ain't changed a bit! - He's fine! - Oh! Come on, come on, come on, inside.
Since you been gone I'm a father.
Since you been gone Harold! - [SIREN WAILS] - I'm a father.