The Leftovers (2014) s01e04 Episode Script

B.J. and the A.C.

Do you want something to drink? Water? Coffee? Drano? Holiday dance is tomorrow night.
Fundraiser for the new library.
I take it you don't give a shit about the new library.
I want to ask you a favor.
Just give us a little break tomorrow.
You know, don't show up with your people and your signs and your "stop wasting your breath" bullshit.
If you come, I'm not gonna protect you.
It's the holidays.
People want to drink, they want to relax, blow off a little steam, spend some time with their families.
_ What the fuck does that mean? Hey there, Chief.
Did it work? Yeah.
They'll be there.
Fuckin' briar patch, huh? Yeah, fuckin' briar patch.
Be sure everything's ready at the school for the walk-through.
And tell the mayor to be there.
I don't want any fuckin' pushback when I arrest these assholes.
- Copy that, Chief.
- Anything else? Oh, it looks like somebody stole the baby from the Nativity.
You know, Jesus.
Am I supposed to give a shit? Uh, no? That's correct, Dennis.
The number you have dialed is no longer in service, and there is no new number.
The number you have dialed is no longer in service, and there is no new number.
What the fuck, Tommy? Ho ho! Goddamn it.
You are goin' down, man.
Ohh! Ha ha ha! He'll call.
When? When we need him to.
It's been 6 fuckin' weeks, Christine.
I think we fuckin' need him to.
He'll call.
And why are you in my dream? Ha ha ha! Why are you in my dream? Are you Christine? - Um, uh - Do you know this guy? - I I talked to him a couple of times.
- [Speaking German] You walk over the dead.
Hey, step the fuck back, man.
- They're all in white! - Hey! You walk over the dead! Stop him! - They're all in white! - Stop! They're all in white! They're all in white! They're all in white! Fuck! They're all in white! - Aah! Get off me! - Call the police! You get off me! Get the fuck off me! - Call the cops! Call the police! - No! Don't do it! I know! I know what's inside you! I know what's inside you! Come on, Christine.
Let's get out of here.
Come on! Come on! I know what's inside you.
Ooh, that for me? No.
Yeah, it is.
What'd you get me? What'd you get me? The greatest gift of all love.
Found them.
Those are Grandpa's, not ours.
I'll look for the others when I get home.
Tonight, OK? I tried calling your brother.
He get a new cell phone? I don't know.
Well, when's the last time you talked to him? Couple months ago.
He's still in San Francisco, right? I don't know.
- Well, what do you know? - I told you, I haven't talked to him.
Stop copping me.
I'm not copping.
I'm allowed to care about where your brother is.
OK, I get it.
Jesus, Dad.
Hey, speaking of Jesus, big deal at school, Mr.
- Everybody's talking about it.
- What? The baby, how it just vanished from the manger.
Didn't vanish.
It got stolen.
So does that mean it's the police's responsibility to get it back? Well, Aimee, as the Chief of Police, I would say that that might be a misuse of our resources.
They're just gonna replace it.
That's cheating.
Excuse me? You can't just get a new one.
It's sacred.
Jill, did you steal the baby Jesus? - That's sick.
- It is sick.
OK, I have an actual job to go to, so I just want to be clear that I'm not gonna be doing anything about whatever this is.
You enjoying my sandwich? All right, listen up or else we're gonna have another fuckin' riot.
Gym only has 3 entrances.
We're not posting on any of them.
- Where are we? - Yeah.
You got it? We are gonna be in the parking lot unmarked cars, waiting.
And if the G.
sets foot on school property, we're gonna arrest them for criminal trespass.
We're gonna scatter two-man teams there, there, there, and there.
We'll have 4 more in the vans.
Soon as they come on the school grounds, we move.
Miranda, zip cuffs Mm-hmm.
Oh, hang on.
Give me a minute.
What? How do you spell that? A-F-O-R-D-A, baby boy, 20 inches.
The white one.
Obviously the fucking white one, Marlene.
Did you know somebody stole the baby Jesus? - Yeah.
- All you have to do is run over to the Biggie Superstore and pick a new one up.
A new one? For fuck's sake, Kevin.
It's not the actual baby Jesus.
No, you fuckin' do it.
Can you give the Chief and I a moment? Here's what you're going to do.
Get the fucking baby, open the box, strip it naked, scruff it up so you can say that you found it in a ditch or a dumpster or something.
And why would I do that? Because you need a win, Kevin.
_ Fuck.
Somebody stole it, now we're gonna get it back.
Check the bank that faces the Nativity, see if we can pull last night's camera feed.
- Are you Are you serious? - Yes, Dennis, I am serious.
So should I make that the priority No.
Look, the dance is still the priority, but I would like to stop dealing with the goddamn baby fuckin' Jesus! Fuck.
Hey, Chief, you OK? You there? Chief? Hey, Chief? You OK? Chief? All right.
Thank you so much.
We'll be with you in a minute.
- Hey, you want a bull's-eye, man? - No, thanks, dude.
- It's so the Creator can find us.
- Yeah.
- You know, for next time.
- Hey, good luck with that.
How much longer? I don't know.
What'd you say to him? What? The naked guy who attacked you.
You said you talked to him before he went bat shit.
What'd you say? I don't remember.
Did you talk about Wayne? Maybe.
OK, you can't talk about the ranch, Christine, OK? It isn't my fault.
He attacked me.
It is your fault, because you can't tell strangers that you're pregnant with Wayne's baby.
I didn't tell him! It was in his dream! It's OK.
It's OK.
It's OK.
From now on, you keep your fuckin' mouth shut.
OK? Not a fuckin' word.
This'll be a little cold.
So you haven't been to see a doctor before now? No.
So no prenatal care, vitamins, anything like that? No.
There's the heart right there.
Looks like you're at about So so the baby's OK? You want to tell me what happened? A guy attacked her.
- A guy? - Yeah.
Yeah, a guy.
I mean, he came out of nowhere.
He was on drugs or something.
Did you call the police? Uh, no.
I had to hit him to get him off of her.
He just ran away.
I I wanted to get her here.
Are you the father? Just a friend.
The fetus looks normal, but I want to admit you to Maternity, do a few tests, stay on the safe side.
Just stay put, OK? Get up.
We're leaving.
- Come on.
Get up.
- What? She thinks I did this to you.
Get up! Come on! Let's go! Say it wasn't my fault.
It wasn't your fucking fault! Now come on! You have to mean it.
It isn't your fucking fault! Come on! Don't tell them anything.
Call Security! Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop! Went down this way.
Dude, dude.
Dude! I'm driving! Dude! No, no, no.
I think he wants us to pull over, man.
- Pull over! - Wrong! I got it! Shit.
Oh, be cool, be cool, be cool.
Hey, Officer.
We didn't know you were a cop.
You guys usually have those flashing You two hang out with my daughter, right? Jill Garvey? Yeah.
She's awesome.
Did she steal the baby out of the Nativity scene? What? I've got security video, and one of the suspects was wearing a hoodie.
That's profiling.
Uh Which one of you is the fuckin' smart one? Uh You are a part of this, and we all know that, but your dreams of getting high in college will die because you'll have an arrest on your fuckin' transcript.
But if that baby is returned to me, no questions will be asked.
Understood? - We don't get high - Understood? Yeah.
Have a nice day.
Dude, do not Instagram that.
The cops can trace that shit.
You're gonna get busted, Jill.
Your dad already knows you took it.
- Did you tell him I took it? - No.
But he does.
He doesn't care anyway.
What the fuck are you doing? As our esteemed guest was unjustly crucified by the Romans, I, milady, am bestowing unto him a Roman soldier's helmet.
What is that? Oh, ho, ho, you will find out.
Oh, God! Don't! What the fuck? Oh, my God.
You prick.
Get your balls off the son of God.
Ah! Quit! Ah, fuck you.
- We're bringing him back, right? - I hope that hurt.
- What? - Your dad's obviously looking for it and he has enough shit on his plate, you know? Hey.
Give me that.
We're gonna need some gasoline.
Ha ha! Yeah! Fuck yeah! Whoo! You are a fucking genius, Garvey! Oh, son of God, king of kings, lamb of lambs I anoint thee.
Light him up, Garvey.
Light him up! Light him up! Light him up! Light him up! Light him up! Light him up! Light him up! Light him up Oh, boo! What the fuck was that? Really! What's going on? Go fuck yourselves.
Go fuck ourselves! Go fuck ourselves! Go fuck ourselves! Go fuck ourselves! Go fuck ourselves! Go fuck ourselves! Go fuck ourselves Ah.
_ Clever.
Now's your chance.
You want me to trust you? You want me to give my life for that girl? Then you need to let me know why.
You have to let me know why.
I want to go home.
Last chance.
Fuck you.
Hello? Wayne? Have you lost someone? - What? - So many of us were affected by the events of October 14th.
Even now, after all this time, we're still struggling.
Still looking for help and not knowing where to turn.
If you or anyone you know has suffered loss as a result of the Sudden Departure, please hold for a Loved Ones representative.
- We can help you find peace.
- You're fuckin' good, Wayne.
That's a real fuckin' good one.
Hello? What's it gonna be? Sir? Oh, shit.
I'm Meg.
We met the other day in Yeah, no, I remember.
Do you want to come in the house? Yes, thank you.
You can smoke in the house.
These came in to the precinct today, so if you don't eat them, probably just go stale.
There you go.
Did you want a coffee? No, thank you.
What's that? "Kevin, I can't say this to you, "but I won't just slip it under the door and run away.
"You deserve to look at me when it is said.
"You were a good husband, Kevin, "probably a great one.
"You were there when I needed someone the most.
"You fixed another man's mess, "my mess.
"You raised Tom as if he were your own, and you loved him even when he wouldn't let you.
" What are you doing? "I need you to know this isn't your fault.
"It's nobody's fault.
"I was broken.
"I tried to fix myself.
"I tried for you and for Tom and for Jill, "but I think I'm supposed to stay broken.
Maybe we all are.
" What's in that envelope, Laurie? "I won't insult you, Kevin, by saying that this is what's best for you.
" No, please stop talking, just for a second.
- "It's not my place to know.
" - What's in the envelope? "You've always been the best shoulder to cry on.
" Please stop talking.
- "But I had to stop crying.
" - What's in the envelope? - "The world changed faster " - Shut the fuck up! _ Are they making you do this? You just you don't talk to me for 6 months, and then you just walk in here, into our house and then you give me this? No.
I'm your husband.
We made fucking vows.
You want this this over? Then you fuckin' say it! You fuckin' say it! Not her! Say it! "I want this over!" Fucking say it! You fucking say it, Laurie! Honey.
It's for you.
I think you should go.
I didn't know you had a daughter.
_ You should keep that.
I won't tell.
'Scuse me.
Uh, w-where is Maternity? Fifth floor.
Thank you.
Do you know you're in a hospital? Uh, we don't we don't believe in shoes, man.
How'd you end up like this, kid? I was abandoned by my father.
- Hey.
- You ready to go now? Yeah.
What's that for? It'll make you invisible, so the Creator can find us.
I knew you'd come back.
I promised that I would protect you.
I'll protect it, too.
Leave your shoes.
Headed to the dance.
Put 20 bucks under the magnet if you want to order a pizza.
How much did you hear last night? "Fucking say it, Laurie.
" Why was she here? Well, it's complicated.
Let me know when it gets simple.
Go, go, go, go! Hey! Stop, stop, stop, stop! Stop, stop, stop.
Stop! Go! Drive, drive! I found him.
You don't know where Yemen is? No, I don't.
Show me.
I'll draw a map on your hand.
So, if Dubai is here, then Yemen is right here.
Hi there, buddy.
We didn't want to wake you.
Tom, this is Tom.
How 'bout you're Tommy? You OK? Uh-huh.
Careful there, Tommy.
Some sad idiot paid a fuckin' fortune just to bury that thing.
_ Hey, Tom! They're all in white! It's just like the dream! Everyone having a great time tonight? So, how is everyone enjoying those delicious cookies? They're courtesy of Alan and Marty Oh, and, um, one last thank you to Chief Garvey and his amazing team for keeping us all safe tonight.
Come on up here, Kevin.
Say hello.
Thank you, Madam Mayor.
I'm sure you're all set to have a pretty great time tonight.
I only ask that if you have a few drinks, that you call a cab on the ride home.
Thank you, and, uh, also ahem I know a lot of you were worried about this little guy, but we found him safe and sound, and as soon as the dance is over, I am personally gonna be delivering him back to the manger, so that ahem there's that.
Thank you, Chief Garvey.
- Sure.
- We're lucky to have you.
OK, Mapleton, how 'bout a slow one? You all danced out? Just taking a break before my stunning finale.
- Oh.
- What's up with the baby? Oh.
It's not real.
It's I figured.
This is my locker.
You went here? - I did.
- Oh, I don't remember you.
That's because you're much older than I am.
That was my husband's locker.
Ten feet away.
It took him a whole year to notice me.
"Oh"? No, I just I'm sorry about what happened to him, to you.
I just found out he cheated on me.
I cheated on my wife.
Why? Is there a good answer to that question? Hmm.
I think I just heard it.
It's Kevin, right? Mm-hmm.
Nora? Mm-hmm.
Nice to meet you.
Yeah, it's nice to meet you, too.
Nice to meet you.
Have a good night.
Heh heh! Chief, we can't touch 'em.
What? They're about 5 yards back from school property.
Chief, what are you Look like they're on school property to me.
It's our word against theirs, right? Behind your back.
Let's go, let's go.
Come on.
You know, I actually started to worry that you might be a human being for once and not show up? This way.
Thanks for not letting me down.
Where's everybody else? _ Do you want me to come with you? Hey! Hey, Chief.
I heard the baby went missing.
I had a spare.
Merry Christmas.