The Life and Times of Tim (2008) s02e06 Episode Script

The Salty Jazz; Jews Love to Laugh

* now you're looking at a man that's getting kinda mad * * I had lots of luck but it's all been bad * * no matter how I struggle and strive * * I'll never get out of this world alive * * my fishing pole's broke, the creek is full of sand * * my woman run away with another man * * no matter how I struggle and strive * * I'll never get out of this world alive.
* Emergency.
I think I've got scurvy.
Only cured by a lime .
coming right up, boss.
Get it on me.
Body shot time.
My boat, my rules.
Whoop whoop! He should not be steering this boat.
I will dance with you.
I'm king of the world.
I'm king of the shrimp world.
- Man, this party is out of control.
- Unbelievable, right? In a bad way.
I've got to get out of here, actually.
I said I'd be back by 7:00.
Me and amy are doing more date nights these days.
Get married.
Forget the date nights.
You're better than that.
No, it's too late for that.
I've got to meet her at a movie.
Call her and cancel then ask her to marry you.
I can't reach her even if I wanted to propose.
My phone's not working out here.
So why don't we rip down the statue of liberty And put up a cell tower? What are you, fucking canadian? There's no need to question my patriotism.
It's just date night.
Ladies and gentlemen, I was pleased To have so many of my closest amigos here.
We didn't really have a choice, did we? But sadly we've now circumvented This great island of lady manhattan And well, like horses to the stables, I feel we've got to moor ourselves home.
All right, maybe I can still make it.
But I'm not quite ready to quit, are you? - All: No! - Tim: No, we are.
Excuse me, boss, real quick.
Go ahead, tim.
More party talk? No.
Is there a dinghy onboard? - Oh jesus christ.
- I need to get back.
Is a dinghy like a cabin boy? - I've got to get back.
It's date night.
I mean, I don't see any way of you getting back Unless we turn the entire party around and go home.
You don't have a raft or anything? Maybe an inflatable seahorse or those arm things-- the inflatable things.
Is there an emergency communication device? I just need to make a phone call.
There is actually, but I need to keep that line open In case of some kind of heroic sully sullenberger type situation.
But there is an emergency measure I would very much like to implement In regards to you and your face and your throat and your neck.
- What? - Stand like a linebacker.
- No, please don't.
- Tilt your head back.
- Don't touch my head.
- Open that pretty pink mouth.
Hold him.
Hold him down.
Yeah, slide it down there.
Cocktail sauce shooters.
Pour that in there.
Down his hatches.
Oh man, how good is peanut butter? Oh, that is the tastiest fucking thing in the world.
Tim, where have you been? Oh man, I tried to take a boat To see the love of my life.
- Are you drunk? - No no no no no no.
Why were you on a boat? Um, it was a work thing.
You were supposed to meet me at the movie.
Why don't they keep the movies going? I tried to get back in time.
I had no cell signal.
So you figured you may as well just blow it out, - Have a good time? - Yeah.
At that point yeah.
Get wasted? - That's the way it went at that point.
It was a work event.
Okay, well if it was work Then you should probably put in for overtime, right? seems inappropriate.
I'll ask though.
great night.
Great night overall.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hello, gentlemen.
- Oh hey, marie.
- Hey, marie.
I see the fun has spled over into today.
- I love it.
- Mm-hmm.
Nothing like a good boat-based environment - To stir things up.
- It was a good trip.
So you had a good time, timothy? - I did.
It's funny.
As much fun as we had, my girlfriend thought I should put in for overtime Overtime? Since the whole thing was on the boss's boat.
Oh, so greedy.
- Marie: Overtime? - It's not my opinion.
This is labor law and omnicorp policy that we establish a paper trail.
- How many hours, timothy.
- I wasn't gonna actually do it.
She just thought I should.
It's a funny story.
- Go ahead.
- It's labor law.
- Six hours.
Six hours.
Anything else? If I'm allowed to do it, might as well.
Yeah, put in for the popcorn and the cab.
Popcorn, cab.
One more? - Get this completely off my desk - Crackers I had later on.
The crackers? - I normally wouldn't eat that late.
You're putting in for the crackers? I normally would not eat that late.
Gorgeous.
We're done here.
- Tim.
- Hey.
Tim, answer me one question.
Mm-hmm.
We had a good time on the boat, didn't we? - Great time.
- Right, unlimited shrimp.
Unlimited.
- Dancing, music, margaritas.
These are fun things, are they not? Really quite fun.
So how exactly do you explain this? Oh, is that the expense report? "half a box of popped corn That amy didn't eat-- $2.
50.
" Yeah, I had to cancel date night so I had to-- yeah, overtime.
I don't understand.
The boat was personal, Yet this is a work-related invoice.
Do you need to be paid to spend time with me? - Typically.
- What? No, I mean, it was still a work-related event.
You've got to admit it was all work people.
How could I have misread the signal so terribly? I blame myself, tim.
I blame myself.
God! God! No, I'd hang out with you on a weekend.
I could see us just shooting the shit.
If I wasn't paying, you'd spend time with me? - Absolutely.
- When? You really want to hang out with me? Sounds great.
When do we do it? Stu and rodney are coming over to have some beers tonight.
- Make it a four-way.
- Let's not call it a four-way.
But I'll see you tonight.
All right, got the beer, Got the salami.
Should I get a knife? I brought a plastic knife from the deli.
- That should do it.
- Amy: So this is it? This is the spread for the boss? You said you didn't want to help, so this is what tim does.
- A salami? - He loves meat, right? I don't know, bro.
A classy guy like him, I mean, he likes a nice steak, maybe a little jazz.
You know, there's this club uptown.
They don't even get going till midnight.
No no, he wanted to hang out like we do.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Friends, friends.
- Cool, good.
there he is.
- There my crazy friend.
- Hey.
- All right, bros' night out.
- All right.
- - Oh, good god.
- - What?T's do it.
- You live here? - Yeah, pretty sweet place.
- We got pretty lucky.
- This is it? - This isn't the foyer? - What wrong? I can't believe that you live in such a dust bowl of filth.
Excuse me? This is our home.
Yeah, some would consider that rude what you just said.
Mae I live in a bubble, But this is thmost disgusting thing I've ever seen.
I need to run from here as quickly as possible.
Listen, I think it might be even more fun - If we get out of here.
- Yeah.
Why don't we go-- you said that jazz club you like - You like jazz, right? - Yes, jazz is my thing.
Let's do that.
You gonna come, amy? Uh, I'm gonna pass.
- Ooh, where are we? - Where are we? Is this what people mean when they say "harlem"? Yeah, they don't pronounce it like that, but yeah.
I've never been above 96th street.
All right, boys.
Checked with the doorman.
Two drink minimum, That's highway robbery.
I don't even carry money.
- You're not gonna pay for us? - I have nothing.
- I have a show wallet.
- You're wealthy.
- What? No, tim, seriously.
- You're the boss.
This is just a bros' night out.
We have to keep a serious great wall of china Between tonight and what it's like for us together at work.
I'm not the boss tonight.
Well, that is all that daddy needs to hear.
Stu.
Do you have glaucoma or some preexisting medical condition That wasn't on the omnicorp files? No.
- We don't usually do this by the way.
Huh, well, you know what? I haven'tthere we go.
In yearthere's my man.
stu: Tim, you gonna take a puff? All right, maybe a quick hit.
Whoa whoa, do I smell inspiration? Oh, tim, tim, tim, some authentic jazz men.
Yeah? - Don't bogart the joint.
Pass it along.
That's right.
That's right.
Puff puff pass, man.
I don't know any of the terminology.
- Puff puff pass.
- Puff puff pass.
- It was in my mouth.
- Pass the joint.
All right.
Yeah, you guys are gonna be fun tonight.
Oh, yeah.
You know, tim, I sang with a band in high school.
- That's great.
- We were called scatanology.
They kicked me out because apparently I wasn't aware enough of the other players.
You know what? No one else is talking.
There was no "I" in quintet.
They said that I didn't listen.
I think they were just jealous.
Jealous of this.
You hear that? What's wizardry.
Just please, you've got to stop.
And the thing is all the girls, they all wanted to hang off me.
Fucking, shut the fuck up! Did I say that? I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to offend you.
We're having fun.
Let's have fun.
All right.
I think I got carried away.
- The jazz, you know, it's intoxicating.
- Tim: It is.
You're not doing that, are you? Oh my god.
Just go back to the talking.
We should have stayed at my apartment.
You hear that? That's what lead singers do.
That's the most annoying thing I've ever heard.
- Hey hey, you in front.
- Yeah, what's up? - Yeah? - Mr.
Scatman.
Can I help you? Why don't you come on up and grab a microphone and join the party, brother? Oh my god, it's a lifetime dream.
- What? No no.
You know, I'm having the time of my life.
I'd like to thank tim here.
The man who made this entire evening possible.
And as a special treat for everyone in the room, I'd like tim to sing with me.
Me? No no.
Scat or you're fired.
Scat or you're fired.
Scat or-- what about the chinese wall? Fired, scat.
- I thought you're not the boss tonight.
I'm high as a jaybird though.
Scat right now.
G o! - All right, let me get up.
Let me just think what I'm gonna scat about.
Don't think, scat.
That's the way it goes, baby.
- Whoa whoa whoa whoa.
- How was that? Cut that, cut that, cut that.
- What's going on? - What happened? I just heard niggity.
 I didn't-- maybe I said zippy.
- I distinctly heard niggity.
- Why are we stopping the music? - It's not even a real word.
- It's close enough.
- It's not close enoh.
- You're unbelievable.
No, when you scat you can say anything.
You could say mickity-mick.
- What? You could say woppity- woppity-spickity-spick.
- Whoa whoa, dude.
- Mickity-do mickity-dee.
- Good jesus, tim.
- Listen, yo.
- Yeah? - We enjoyed your drugs, But y'all should leave now.
Maybe we all just can't live our dreams Like felicity in the show " felicity.
" Hey, you know, you were holding your dream in your hand there for a second, boss.
- Let's not be so dramatic.
- I know, I really was.
And then a certain somebody spoiled it.
Can I say something? I never wanted to sing.
- You made me do it.
- Well - Tim.
- He threatened to fire me.
- Tim.
- I never heard that.
Tim's right.
We went out as friends, As bros, and I tried to pull rank.
- It was my fault.
- Exactly.
- So we're cool? - We're all good.
Of course we're good.
I meant what I said.
You guys are my dogs.
My running dogs.
Who let us out? We did! We we we! What a night.
- Step back, here comes the train.
Oh god, what is this? Some kind of tunnel monster? You've never taken the subway? Is it always so loud and vulgar? How do I proceed? What are you doing out there? Jump on.
- Do I need a ticket? - Just get on the train, boss.
We've already paid.
Metro card got you through.
- I'm uncertain.
- Rodney: Get on the train.
- No.
- Walk through the door.
- Fear.
- Throw money at him! It's too late.
We're done.
- Why are you-- - it's closing.
Hey! Tell keith I love him! I think he'll be fine.
He seems pretty resourceful.
Not afraid.
Not afraid.
Not afraid.
Uh, he's not here.
Oh no.
- Did we lose our boss in harlem? Shh, quiet.
Someone will hear you.
- We've got to tell someone.
- Let's give it a minute.
Have any of you seen the boss this morning? - Uh - Which-- which boss? The boss.
Your boss.
Our boss.
The boss.
You were all with him last night.
- We were kind of with him.
- That was so long ago.
All right, this can't wait.
Everyone gather around.
We're gonna have a random drug test in five minutes.
Why today? What's going on here? Did he know about this? No way.
He would have tipped us off he would have known about this.
Gentlemen, no exchanging urine strategies.
- Stu: Oh, thank god.
- Hey hey hey.
- There are my running dogs.
- All right.
You're all right? You're okay? Yeah, of course.
I'm just peachy.
That's good.
How'd you get home? Commandeered a hansom cab.
Do you remember commandeering a bunch of drugs to the dome with us last night? Because marie is about to administer a random drug test.
No, she won't.
She can't.
Oh god.
- She is? - Mm-hmm.
This is where it pays to have friends.
- Exactly.
- Rodney: Go, boss, go.
- Marie.
- Everybodready to go? Ahem, excuse me.
I'd like your attention.
And I would like to cruise past this test Through my authority as the ceo.
Here's your pee cup.
You have the authority to move a test before it's been announced, But after that it cannot be compromised.
- Okay, well, can I exempt certain- - - absolutely not.
- Exempt us.
- Yeah yeah, me too.
Bang bang bang bang, four-way exemption.
- Done, back to work.
- No, you cannot, sir.
- Can I pardon them? - You may not, sir.
Well, uh, marie, it's been a good run But you're done here.
You're fired.
Pack it up.
Sir, you are unable to terminate me Prior to the results being seen through.
- You cannot fire me.
- You're a horrible woman.
That may be, sir, but you need to take my cup now And use it in the bathroom.
all right.
if we go down, we're going down together.
Look, I can't do it if you're gonna talk.
Yeah, I need to focus a little bit here.
All right, let's just stop chatting And start urinating.
Stu, why aren't you peeing? Maybe a little scat will help.
I get into a lot of awkward moments, But this is pretty awkward.
* no matter how I struggle and strive * * I'll never get out of this world alive.
* Then I said, "carrots? Those aren't fucking carrots.
" Oh, I am hot today.
Oh, tim, stan's telling jokes.
You have to hear them.
Oh no, I'm working the toaster right now.
What, you can't listen to my joke while you toast? I don't like jokes.
I'm not a joke guy.
You' a total prick.
Right? - Oh my god, stan.
- I can't believe it.
- Just tell the jokes.
- Oh, now you want me to tell the jokes.
- Oh my god.
- Anyway, fuck off, man.
- Aggressive joke teller.
- All right, people, here we go.
Three jews walk into a bar And buy it.
- Stu: That's funny.
- Stan: They fucking buy it.
Stan.
- Oh my goodness.
Where's the camera? - Guys.
- What, toaster boy? - Too funny for ya? - Too funny? No.
It's a little anti-semitic.
You don't make jokes like that at work.
Oh no, I think it's fine.
What if a jewish person was here? They'd be offended.
- Hershel's in the hall.
- Don't bother him.
- Stu: Get the office jew in here.
- No.
- Hello.
- Hey, hershel.
- Stan: Tim's got a joke for you.
- Wonderful.
- It's stan's joke.
- Just tell the joke.
I can't even say it.
He said, "three jews walk into a bar And they buy the place.
" Of course.
what else would they do? - You're laughing? - Of course I'm laughing.
- Why? - Jews love to laugh.
- You're - do they? - Of cour- of course.
Ing.
- Especially at our own foibles.
- Your own what? Listen, jews are self-deprecating, you know? It's as much of who we are As our love of gold.
Ahh! - This guy's a cutup over here.
- All right, all right.
By the way, your toast is done, so hit the bricks.
I am so glad we're finally doing this.
Me too.
We were beginning to doubt you exist, tim.
- I exist.
- Are you for real? - I'm real.
- Are you just a mirage? Can I poke you? Can I touch you? - Not really.
- I'm just kidding.
- I am hungry.
- Yeah, I'm famished.
Tim, let's split something.
I don't really like splitting.
- Oh wow, that's weird.
- What happened? How do you guys survive as a couple? 'cause amy here isn't happy until she's eaten Something off of everybody's plate.
- Really? - You didn't know that? - I did not know that.
- Okay, so I'm dying to know, Tim, what do you think of the latest intrigue? - I'm not aware of it.
- I don't really tell tim about work.
Wow, so you know nothing about the bulk of amy's waking hours? It just all seems very dramatic over there.
I can't get involved.
So what is your workplace like? Cold and dead inside? - No, we have fun.
- Really? Just this morning we were telling jokes.
I was telling jokes in the kitchen area.
- Oh, I'd like to hear one.
- Yeah, tell us a joke, tim.
Yeah, hit us.
- All right, let's loosen up a little.
You ready to laugh your butts off? - Yeah.
Three jews walk into a bar And they buy it.
- Right, I get it.
- That's the whole joke.
They buy it 'cause they like money.
- You're not laughing.
- Well, I'm jewish.
You don't like laughing at your own foibles? I don't really dig on ethnic slurs.
A man named hershel said that was fine.
Here's a joke for you.
One jew sits in a restaurant And another guy embarrasses himself.
That's not nearly as funny.
Oh man, what a nightmare.
One of those days, huh? People picking apart everything I say.
You know, o'flaherty's, this is what life is all about.
It's like "cheers.
" everyone knows my name.
I'm like a skinny norm, right? - I wouldn't go that far.
You're not that funny moment to moment like norm was.
Well, still everyone loves it when I enter.
- Let's give it to him.
- Yeah, okay.
I mean, what more do you need in life? A pool table, booze, - A friendly bartender o'flaherty.
- That's interesting.
I don't think of myself as all that friendly.
- Oh no? - Not really.
- You're like family to me.
Oh god, that's one of the saddest things I've ever heard in my life.
- To be honest, I don't care about you.
- Don't say that.
This is like "cheers.
" - I don't mean to be rude by that.
- You're like coach.
- Coach was an idiot.
I'm insulted by that.
He was a man-child.
, don't say-- you know what? Well well, there he is.
Joey bishop.
Hey, adam.
What are you doing here? Here we are, three jews walking into a bar.
And I don't see anyone checking out the commercial possibilities, do you? - That's why you're here? - Yup.
You didn't have to come here with three jewish people.
Oh, yes I did.
- Hold on, let's put the brakes on here.
I know this is ironic, We're just in here to prove a point to this anti-semite, But I think this bar does have some commercial possibilities.
Are you joking? - Yeah, this is a gorgeous space.
I don't know if you're being incredibly sarcastic or-- We've been looking to invest in something for quite some time.
- This is it, adam.
- I've got to stop you.
This bar is o'flaherty's Since 1909.
It's not for sale.
- Are you the broker? - I am the broker.
You're not the broker.
That was a boldfaced lie.
Obviously you're not selling your family bar.
You're the fifth generation.
Your great-grandfather - Uh-huh.
- Came on a boat-- My great-grandfather, the insufferable racist Who murdered my great-grandmother? You think I care about carrying on his legacy? Well, o'flaherty, what would you do if you didn't own a bar? I would spend six months doing nothing but getting in the best shape of my life.
You're gonna destroy your family business so you can get ripped? - That's exactly right.
- Unbelievable.
- You are a disgrace.
- You know what's disgrace? My body.
- Your friend adam - Right.
-Showed up at o'flaherty's - Uh-huh.
- And he bought the bar.
- I know.
What do you mean, you know? That's my big story.
He called me as soon as it happened.
- He called you? - We talk all the time.
I thought you were work friends.
He's like my work husband.
We do everything together at work.
Wait wait wait, your work husband? - Why not your work coworker? - We're just good friends.
Husband implies getting naked comfortably in front of each other.
Oh, come on, tim.
Why are you being so insecure about this? Because he was hugging you for at least half the meal.
- He's an affectionate guy.
- Oh my god.
- He likes to give back rubs.
- He likes to give back rubs? It's what he does.
- Your work husband likes to give backrubs? Why am I insecure? They call him the masseuse in the office sometimes.
I have nothing to say to that.
You're just being weird.
He's my friend And I think you should support him.
The masseuse.
I'm gonna support the masseuse.
All right, the new o'flaherty's.
Yeah, shalom and top of the morning to ya.
Wow, not too crowded.
That's gonna change pretty soon.
- Exactly.
- What can we do for you? All right, let's order up some beers.
Okay, I should just say we made a couple tweaks.
No more beer.
- What do you mean, no more beer? - What do you mean, not on tap? - We got rid of the beer.
- Now we serve kosher wine.
- Hmm.
Well, let's get some nachos and some kosher wine.
- We don't have any nachos anymore.
- What do you have? Instead of nachos and potato skins We've got gefilte fish and meat kugel.
- You're joking, right? - No no.
We thought it would be fun if we just forbid The mixing of meat and dairy.
Why? Why would you do that? Look, you're a guy, you come into o'flaherty's like, "oh god, I'm coming into the same old irish bar.
Oh wait, they don't serve milk and meat here? And they don't serve beer? That's cool.
" - This is really-- - it's fun.
We are the only jewish-irish bar In manhattan.
We got that niche.
That specific niche of really strict rules And very bland foods? Yeah, I think it's gonna work out pretty well.
Stupid idiot! there goes another $1.
50.
- Adam, hey.
What's the word? - Shmegegge.
What? - It's yiddish for " I'm a freaking moron.
" Why are you a moron? I thought this was a great move starting this jewish bar.
Jews don't own bars.
Irish people own bars Because they're natural- born drunks and they love being around booze.
I thought you don't like stereotypes.
I don't care about that now.
All I care about is the money I'm losing.
- I love money, tim.
- That's two in a row now.
Yeah, I know.
I'm insulting myself.
It doesn't matter.
Look what I've become.
- What's amy doing to me? - Amy? My amy? Yeah, our amy.
My work wife.
What does amy have to do with this? Why are you talking about amy? You know what's going on here.
- I do? The only reason I showed up here was to make you look bad.
And the only reason I wanted to make you look bad in the first place Is because I'm in love with your girlfriend.
You son of a bitch Look, it's totally unrequited.
- She doesn't even know.
- Amy doesn't know about this? - Tim.
Tim.
- Yeah? Don't tell her.
It would spoil the work relationship.
We won't be as productive.
Lunches by the lake will be awkward.
I'll let it be our secret.
You just sell this bar back to o'flaherty and everyone's happy again.
No, I would take a major loss in this place.
- I can't do that.
- You want to lose your work wife? Fine, you win.
Get o'flaherty over here.
We'll negotiate a price.
Maybe Friday night? Can you do Friday? I can't do Friday night.
We close at sundown on fridays.
You really should not own a bar.
One more time.
Blast it out.
Here we go, up up up.
Good.
Good.
- Thattaway.
- That feels good.
Good lift.
Who the fuck is this? Yes? Hey, what's going on, you crazy son of a bitch? - Who's this? - Tim.
Tim? - Tim, the o regular from the bar.
Oh, okay.
- Black guy? - No, tim.
- Help me out.
- I drink scotch.
A lot of people drink scotch.
You'll know me when you see me.
Anyway, can you swing by the bar? The new owner needs a little help.
- Help with what? - Co2 line.
Okay, I'll come check it out.
I don't want to get emotional, but I really miss you.
It would be terrible if you got emotional, Because I literally have no idea who is calling me.
uh-oh, don't look now.
Is that o'flaherty or ryan reynolds? - Ha ha, thank you.
- Dude, you are shredded.
Yeah, well, you have to apply yourself.
Anyway, somebody called and told me there was a problem With the co2 line.
That is why I'm here.
- That was me.
There's no problem.
- Oh, a lie.
I just wanted to get you guys in the same room.
Adam here is having a little buyer's remorse.
Dude, I need out.
You can have the bar back, okay? Good bargaining, adam.
Well played.
Look, I made a mistake.
This is not my element.
- I'm done.
- Nah.
I think he's getting tempted.
- Come on, o'flaherty.
- Uh, no thank you.
I, for the first time in my life, have no responsibilities And no stupid customers telling me your petty problems That I have to pretend to care about.
You're honestly gonna say you don't miss us? - You don't miss me? - No, I don't miss you.
Just to win this argument I'm gonna take off my shirt.
- Look at this body.
- Jesus.
You can't argue with these results.
- I will sell for half! - Seriously? - Seriously.
- Oh, done.
- Wow, couldn't stay away from his family.
- Rodney: Knew it.
I just made a fortune off of his incompetence.
That's all this is about.
- You missed us.
- No, I really did not.
Oh, god.
- Adam, you got to look at the bright side.
You set out to disprove a stereotype And you showed that it's possible for jews to have no business sense.
It's a partial victory.
Speaking of stereotypes, I'm gonna get shitfaced right now.
- Let's do it.
- Ha ha, who's irish?