The Life and Times of Tim (2008) s03e04 Episode Script

Super Gay Eduardo; The Pros & Cons of Killing Tim

Now you're looking at a man that's getting kinda mad I had lots of luck but it's all been bad no matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive my fishing pole's broke, the creek is full of sand my woman ran away with another man no matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive.
- Okay, this is disgusting.
- What is? Look at our stoop.
It's filthy.
Everyone defines "filth" differently.
How many menus and phone books do we need? - Oh, it is a lot of menus.
- Ugh, what is this one? Indian place is pretty good actually.
Tim, we have got to move out of this place.
If we move, the menu guys win.
- You can't let them win.
- Oh look.
There's the guy doing this.
A lot of guys do it.
Come on.
- Go, say something.
- Go? No.
Come on, go lay into him.
Lay? I don't lay into people.
You have got to say something to this cocksucker.
Okay, when you say cocksuckers, I know you're mad.
Let me rehearse something in my head.
Hey, pal.
Can you stop leaving your menus, please? - We've got Internet connections.
- Really? - That's not laying into him? - No.
All right, let me lay into this son of a bitch.
Excuse me, cocksucker, your flyers are a waste of paper and you as a human are a waste of space.
If I wasn't wearing a robe, I would end you.
Perdon? "Pardon"? My family need food and we need money.
Por favor.
Are you crying? Crying.
- Ugh, I feel terrible.
- We're the worst people alive.
- You are.
It was pretty awful.
- "You are"? Me? - What does he do anyway? - Let's see.
What? What does that mean? Okay, you know what? He obviously doesn't speak the language.
Or he's flamingly gay and he wants everyone to know.
Okay, you know what? Regardless, you have to help him take these down.
- Take them down? - Before people see them.
I don't have time for that.
You sit around in your robe until noon.
Oh, man, I gotta put pants on and a belt and the socks and the-- Fine, I'll do it.
Wow, this guy was not messing around.
No, he wants everybody to know he's gay.
- One guy did all this? - One man.
How did he get this high on the pole? Stu, we've been doing it for five minutes.
You're breathing heavy.
I'm having a lazy guy attack.
Unemployed people should not have to work like this.
I got paper cuts.
Tim, if I don't make it, I always loved you.
He's got more flyers up than "Dan Smith will teach you guitar.
" How many fuckin' flyers did the guy make? That was literally my exercise for the year.
Me too.
I'm-- get the robe back on.
Por que? Por que? Oh hey, Eduardo! You ruin! Why? Ruin? No, we did you a favor.
Your flyers had a crazy typo.
It said "super gay Eduardo.
" Si, super gay Eduardo-- that's me.
Do you know what that means? Huh? No comprendo.
You're a superintendent, right? - Superintendent? - Si.
Stu, you can't just say the same word with an accent.
- It worked.
- What-- at your job-- what do you do at your job? - Que? - "Yob yob.
" Oh, job.
Como se dice "plumbing"? Oh, okay.
A plumber-- he's a plumber.
- Tile and grout.
- He's a kitchen guy.
- Okay.
- Como se dice "reach-around?" - Okay, um-- - What? Lay-- I lay pipes.
- Okay.
- Is he being funny? Balls-- the-- I lick the balls.
He licks the balls.
- What is-- Eduardo.
- Put balls in my mouth.
Okay, now we're severely back in gay camp.
He doesn't know what any of those words mean.
Yeah, but for a second language, it's really hard to stumble on the word "reach-around.
" Yeah, what do you mean by "reach-around"? - Eduardo, reach-around is what? - Excuse me? Oh my God, this is frustrating.
Que? Frustrating? If stu put his penis in your mouth right now, you'd be happy? - Would you be psyched about that? - Que? We clearly need an interpreter.
Oh, Debbie, I'm glad we found you.
- Oh hey, Tim.
- Hey, I'm glad this worked out.
You speak Spanish, right? - Oh, I speak a little Portuguese.
- Portuguese? - Is that the same? - Pretty much.
Yeah? Can you ask Eduardo what he does for a living? Oh.
Yeah, I'll try.
Eduardo, listen to her.
Oh, really? Ugh! Whoo! That's amazing.
You meet all kinds of people in New York City, that's for sure.
What did he say? He's a superintendent? Well, as far as I can tell, Eduardo has moved here to pursue a male prostitution career.
- Shut up.
- Mm-hmm.
- Shut up.
- Don't tell Debbie to shut up.
- No, I'm saying it, like, in a fun way.
- Oh okay, oh okay.
You know what? I could be wrong, but why don't we just put it to the real test? - What kind of test? - Well, I could flash a boob or two boobs.
- How's that a test? - Well, I'll see how he reacts.
- That's a great-- that's actually a great idea.
- If he's gay-- all right, Eduardo, "atencione.
" - Whoo! - Oh my God.
Does he seem visibly excited and/or aroused to you? He's just smiling like a fool.
Is there some action in his pants? There doesn't seem to be any chubbing.
Oh, that's it.
You either gay or blind, because that was five dollars' worth of quality flashing right there.
He didn't even give any reaction.
No reaction at all.
You know what, I'm starting to wonder myself.
- I'm firmly in the gay camp at this point.
- He might be actually.
I mean that mustache is thick.
It's well groomed.
- Ooh, look at his boots-- they are suspiciously clean.
I think he's wearing them with a sense of irony.
- Yep.
- Keep an eye on him.
See if he starts snapping his fingers in zs.
He might be.
Listen, Eduardo, I think we owe you a huge apology.
Can we do anything to help at this point? Si.
Uh, help me make more.
- He knows that.
- No glossy; Matte.
He's a strange little man.
All right, Eduardo, we're gonna make a whole new flyer, something more clear.
- Can I offer my professional opinion here? - Of course.
- Nobody uses flyers in this business.
- So what should we do? You just run a small-space ad in "the village voice.
" - I actually read those in the bathroom.
- Oh.
Yeah, there's not much to read.
It's more of a lookie-loo.
- You get a sexy picture going.
- Oh.
And then one little catchy headline - Mm-hmm.
- That's like "suck your balls" or - That's pretty good.
- "Got cock?" Oh, I like that.
That's like a play off of the ad campaign "got milk?" - Yeah.
- It's an unexpected twist on the-- on the slogan.
- Wow, we work well together.
- I like this.
- This is fun.
Let's take some photos.
- You want to do it? I don't want to see him naked.
You take 'em.
- Oh, he can keep his pants on.
- Oh.
I actually like the superintendent thing.
We're just going to sex it up a bit.
Debbie, I gotta say, you really bring a level of professionalism to this that I did not expect.
Thank you, stu.
That's a well-composed shot.
- Great.
- Oh yes.
But let's get a little taste of that rear end, all right? - Come on, lick the wrench.
- Get some more crack in there.
- Tell him to lick it! - Lick that wrench.
Use your tongue.
- Con LA lengua.
Con LA lengua.
- Por que? Eduardo, just lick it.
We gotta shoot this thing.
- Yeah.
Jesus Christ.
- Like that, baby.
I thought he understood.
I don't think he gets what we're doing.
You know what, language barrier aside, this guy's being a little bit of a prima Donna.
I just don't think he gets the-- the concept.
Lick it.
Eduardo, it's a whole campaign we're gonna do like this.
- Lick the fuckin' wrench.
- Oh, there he goes.
- Nice nice.
- Nice, there we go.
- There we go, wet them lips.
- Yeah, get sassy with it.
I know we're doing a good deed, stu, but this does not feel like charity work.
Oh, there he goes! Look at that-- like a little turkey going crazy.
Come in, hot pants.
The door is open.
Oh, you brought a midget.
You want to get that? - Hello? - Sorry to bother you.
I'm Eduardo's neighbor.
- Oh fuck.
- He wants to talk to Tim and he asked me to come with him and translate.
Who's Eduardo? I got a bad feeling it's the flyer guy.
- Oh, the guy you helped.
- I helped him a lot.
I'm buzzing you in.
Wait, you just took the flyers down, right? Yeah, uh, more or less.
Hi, everyone.
You already know Eduardo, but this is his family.
- He's got a family? - Hola.
So I'll just let him speak.
"First, to be fair, I take the blame for the confusion.
" Nice.
"I am not gay.
I never was.
I thought 'gay' meant 'non-union.
'" oh boy.
"I am here to discuss the new ad Tim made for me.
" - Uh, what new ad? - New ad? I have no idea.
"The one which features my butt crack and the headline 'horny for some old Latino action?'" - Mm, that one.
- What? I did design that and submit it to "the village voice.
" You know what, I'm sorry.
I had bad interpreting help.
- Oh no, Tim.
- I'm sorry.
"Oh no, Tim, I am not angry.
" Oh, he's not angry? Ah, okay.
"The ad has gotten so many responses.
My wife and I agreed that it would be financially irresponsible of me "to not pursue this line of work.
" - Pursue it? - I guess.
- What does that mean? - Um, it means "go after.
" "It goes against all of my beliefs," but for the sake of my family, I'm going to lube up each morning "and go to work as a gay prostitute.
" Muchisimas gracias, Tim.
- Um-- - No, papi.
Si! "Thank you, Tim.
" "No, daddy.
" "Yes!" "Thank you, Tim.
America is truly the land of opportunity.
" Oh my God.
Finally, a happy ending for once.
No matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive.
- Hmm, what about dental assistant? - Nah.
- Upscale dishwasher? - Stu, these are not valid career options for us.
Okay okay, boys, 20 minutes are up.
If you haven't come by now, you're on the wrong sites.
Do you work at the library? No.
I'm just here to rub one out.
- You're gonna rub one out? - Yeah, why not? It builds up, you gotta get it out.
- We have five more minutes.
- Well, just wrap it up then.
Look at this.
This is weird.
I got an e-mail from Helen.
Remember fat Helen? Wow, that's harsh, but yes, I do.
She says they're filing a class action lawsuit against omnicorp.
The lawyers expect a cash settlement upwards of $100 million.
- Oh m God.
- What do you think? Should we go? - Tim, look where we are in life.
- Where? We're fighting for computerime with a homeless guy who wants to jerk off.
- Look at my penis, okay? - You're saying we should go? Yeah, I'm saying we should go.
Wow, what an emotional reunion.
What's everyone been up to? You guys working? - Oh yeah, tons.
- That's great.
Just finished up an unpaid internship over at bed, bath & beyond.
- Ah.
- Super rewarding.
It's not my fault, Stan.
Why are you yelling at me? Oh, I've been selling my hair.
- Oh wow, it looks nice short.
- What about you, Marie? Oh, I'm doing some-- some freelance work.
Okay, so a pretty successful group overall.
Now that we're all caught up, what's this whole thing about, this lawsuit? They fired us on the basis of race, gender and sexual preference.
- They can't do that? - No, they can't fuckin' do that.
- What are you? Are you a moron? - Language.
Even before the layoffs, we all suffered through years of abuse and humiliation.
- Indeed.
- That's what this case is about.
- Yeah, I think-- - All right, all right.
- Which one of you beautiful babies is Tim? - Me.
That's the baby.
I don't know if he's beautiful.
Oh, I could kiss him.
He's perfect.
- What am I perfect for? - Fella, you are gonna be my star witness.
Star witness? Sorry, you are that Tim, right? Pathetic Tim? The guy I've heard about? - The normal Tim.
- Oh, this is amazing-- a real victim type, someone who just screams helplessness and oozes frailty.
I gotta say, I really want to participate, but this whole characterization is just a little off-base, if-- I mean do me a favor.
When I get you on the stand, talk exactly like that.
All right, everybody.
- Ah! I need to introduce you now to the woman who's going to get us out of all this, the hideous, but rapier-tongued corporate mole, Marie.
Thank you, boss.
While I've been gaining everybody's trust out there, I was told some bad news.
Not only are they going forward with this lawsuit, they're building the entire case around Tim.
- Is that supposed to scare me? - Hold on a minute.
Is this the Tim you put on a bucket and compared to a bum? - You heard that story? - Everyone's heard the Tim stories.
He's a legend in the legal department.
A ticking time bomb of liability.
We're really underneath it here, guys.
- Ugh, we're fucked.
We're fucked.
- Yeah, we are fucked.
- Tim is fucking us.
- Just a thought-- but if he couldn't talk to anyone anymore, that would solve the problem, wouldn't it? - Sew his mouth shut.
- I'm just brainstorming here, but for many years my aunt threatened to tell the entire family a very embarrassing story about me, and then she died.
She died, so she couldn't tell the story? Yeah, so I guess what I'm thinking is, what if we murdered Tim? - You mean kill him? - What? - It worked with my aunt.
- I like it.
- Oh yeah.
- Okay listen, hold on.
I appreciate this thinking outside the box, but this is-- we can't murder.
- We can't murder.
- I think we should explore the option, sir.
Let's put it on the pros and cons board.
- We've got this pros and cons board.
- Great idea.
We have a pros and cons board? Okay, well, we've got one awesome pro and one pretty persuasive con.
This is a real dilemma.
I've never seen this happen before.
In all my years of making pro-con lists, we don't know how to proceed.
I'll tell you what-- we're not gonna crack it today, so let's sleep on it.
- Oh yeah.
- Definitely.
In the meantime, we should probably at least try to scare him, you know? Just to let him know that we mean business.
- What happened to you? - Oh, I was just trying-- trying to be menacing.
- Did it come off weird? - You just looked horny.
You know what? I've heard that before-- that when I try to look menacing, I come off horny.
This could be, like, serious money.
- That's great.
- It's crazy.
Who's calling so late? - Hello? - Is this Tim? - Yeah.
Who's this? - This is your worst nightmare.
- Who is this? - I'm a guy that's gonna put the hurt on you if you don't keep your yapper shut about this lawsuit.
- Keep my yapper shut? - Yeah, your mouth, keep it shut.
- Are you threatening me? - You'd better believe it I'm threatening you.
Don't most people use the deep voice? The scary voice? - You've seen a lot of movies, but buddy, this is real life.
- Oh my God.
This is not the movies! And in real life a lot of us go with the high voice.
So I'll consider myself threatened, all right? Yeah, that's right, you'd better consider yourself threatened.
- All right, have a-- have a great night.
- You too.
You're telling me you're not scared? Eh, the guy sounded kind of silly.
I would be afraid if I were you.
Big corporation, tons of dough-- they could easily have you killed and cover it up.
Haven't you seen any George clooney movies? - Exactly.
- The romantic comedies, or the-- yeah, the romantic comedies.
That applies, Tim.
Listen, you got to call the lawyer and demand protection.
- Oh.
- They should sequester you until the trial.
I like that.
I like being sequestered.
- It's sexy, it's exciting.
- There you go.
- That does sound exciting.
- Drinking dunkin' donuts coffee in a holiday inn room somewhere.
What about Amy though? Would she-- I mean I could-- I mean I'd take one for the team and I'd-- I'd stay with her.
That's not exactly taking one for the team.
- That's more your fantasy.
- It's a good plan.
Rooster is in the henhouse, over and out.
Oh my God, look at this room! - What about it? - This is insane.
I mean I just asked for the top floor.
- Isn't this expensive? - I don't care how expensive it is.
I don't care that it won the 2009 conde nast traveller's award for excellence in hospitality.
- You don't care? - No, I don't care.
I read a plaque, I guess.
Oh, room service.
I have a porterhouse prepared medium rare and a 2005 Pinot noir.
Oh no, I ordered the tuna club.
- I switched the order.
- What? Well, I have to taste your food to make sure it's not poisoned and I don't like tuna.
- You don't like tuna? - No.
It's a disgusting fish that swims in the sea.
You know there's garbage in the sea, right? - Fine, I'll have the steak, I guess.
- Okay, let me do my work.
Be brave, Donny.
This might be the last thing you ever eat.
Hey hey hey! What are you doing? Do you remember a couple seconds ago when I said I have to taste your food? - You're licking the steak.
- I feel like I have to keep explaining it to you.
- Just have the steak.
- All right, it's your loss.
- Mm.
Mm! - Rooster's in the henhouse.
Okay, dim the lights, please.
It is go time! - The case for killing Tim.
- We shouldn't be making a case.
They say murder is a sin, but so is greed.
And asking for $100 million is pretty greedy.
Oh, great graphics! Wow.
Gentlemen, we're talking about murder here.
You're far too excited about this.
It's the perfect song for this, isn't it? - You really nailed it.
- What kind of lawyers are you? - Are we doing this murder or what? - No, we're not doing a murder.
I'm thinking-- - Yes.
- No.
The guitar-- No.
So that wraps up this week's "history of chocolate" podcast.
Keep those emails coming and we'll see you next week.
So this is what it's like to be your boyfriend? I guess.
You don't, like, walk around the house naked or do yoga in nothing but your panties? - No.
- No, didn't think so.
Mmm, this is good.
- What the hell are you doing? - I was just chilling.
- Get off that bed! - Oh hey-- oh! You can't be on the bed.
It's too close to the window.
There's probably five guys with sniper rifles out there.
- Snipers? - Yes! Where am I going to sleep then? I will sleep on top of the king-sized bed, being the flesh target.
You will sleep safe and sound on the floor.
I gotta say, Donny, I'm starting to think you're just in this for the cushy hotel stay.
That sounded like fake stuttering.
I can't-- let me understand you correctly.
I don't care about you? I don't care about keeping you safe? Is that what you're saying to me? - Because that's outrageous.
- You know what, actually-- - I accept your apology, which I-- - I didn't apologize.
Yeah, I inferred one.
And I'm going to head down to the spa for my 90-minute aromatherapy massage - You're losing me again.
- To keep you secure.
What possible reason is that gonna keep me safe? You're up here.
I'm down there, naked, vulnerable.
It's going to draw out assassins who will think that I am you.
So it's okay if I sit in the room alone then? Well, you can't really sit here.
I would say turn the lights off, curl up under the desk.
I'll be downstairs keeping you safe.
Thank you.
I really appreciate that.
If I'm back smelling like jasmine, you know my job is done.
Oh my God! Who's there? Get outta here.
Have you been praying, friendo? - Boss? - Yeah.
How's it going? Oh, how'd you find me? What's going on here? Well, finding you is not really the problem.
The problem is getting one of these cattle guns like they use in "no country.
" Pretty dramatic, right, friendo? You're not gonna-- you're not gonna-- - what, poke you with this and murder you? - Kill me? No, I'm not gonna do that, but the other executives might.
- That's why I'm here.
- They're really discussing murder? They have created a seriously attractive powerpoint presentation on the different ways to do it.
- Is this real? - Hear me out for one second.
- All right.
- You cooperate with us.
You testify on our behalf.
We will offer you a new settlement in which you won't disappoint anyone.
You-- well, you won't get the $100 million, but you'll all have your jobs back for life.
And-- I mean, don't tell the others, because this is just for you.
- Yeah? - You'll get a raise and-- and a promotion Executive in charge of stuff you're doing.
Sounds pretty sweet actually.
Can I sleep on it maybe? You want to debate getting assassinated with getting a raise? You're on the fence.
All right, let's go with the raise.
Let's go with the raise, not the murder.
- I am just so glad he's safe.
- Mm-hmm.
I mean, that was not a fun couple of weeks.
It would've been fun if you walked around nude baking cookies, but that's not the way it worked, was it? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I now call to the stand Tim, a man who is the very backbone of this case.
- You gotta be proud of that guy.
- Look at him.
I am proud.
I don't usually use the word "pussy" in open court, but let's be honest-- it's what we're all thinking.
All right, I'll allow it.
I like this guy's style-- no holds barred.
If it pleases the court, I present exhibit a.
Tim, tell us about the time your boss made you wear blackface so you could pose as him at the dmv.
Oh, he didn't make me do that.
No, that was, um-- I just did that.
Something wrong with blackface? - Whoa, what's he doing, bro? - Okay.
I don't know, but I'm starting to wonder if Tim as the star witness is a good idea.
- Tim, true or false-- - Yeah? You were forced to work with your genitals covered in peanut butter What goes on at that place? while four dachshunds were released into the office.
- That, yeah, definitely happened.
- It did? But I asked for them to release the dogs.
- I thought it'd be funny.
- What? Listen, I gotta-- in general, the boss was great.
The whole company was just so so great.
I do notnow what's going on here, but I don't like this.
- Tim-- - Oh, I'll tell you what's going on.
This cocksucking sack of shit is selling us out.
- No.
Stan-- - Did you take the money? Did you take the money, you fuckin' rat? - No one's gonna bang the gavel? - Huh? Sorry.
- You're a selfish fucking prick, Tim.
- Yeah? I knew it since you refused to buy my daughter's girl scout cookies.
If it's the last thing I do, I will take a box of thin mints and shove them up your rectum! Anyone else think it's weird that he said "rectum"? For a guy who curses so much? Tim, I need to thank you on behalf of omnicorp.
I mean, that $100 million settlement-- that would have been mildly inconvenient.
Well, I'm glad I could help, - glad I could pitch in.
- You did it.
I mean, how does it feel right now to be an executive at this moment? - You guys really take care of your own, I gotta say.
- We take care of our own.
That's what we do.
We take care of the people who are-- who we own.
Oh, and listen, just for the record, we weren't gonna kill you, Tim.
That was-- that was just a scare tactic, because of course we couldn't have you testify.
That actually makes sense.
I thought it was a little hard to believe that-- - totally extreme.
- What's that, um-- - hmm? - "Pros and cons" of what? Whoops.
I bet a nickel I could tell you if it was heads or tails I'm not gonna worry wrinkles in my brow 'cause nothing's ever gonna be all right nohow no matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive.