The Life and Times of Tim (2008) s03e05 Episode Script

A Tale of Two Rodneys; Keith to the Rescue

( Music playing ) Now you're looking at a man that's getting kinda mad I had lots of luck but it's all been bad no matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive my fishing pole's broke, the creek is full of sand my woman ran away with another man no matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive.
( Tires screech ) - First day back.
- Back at the O.
No one calls it the O.
- Yeah.
- It is good to be back though.
- This is fun-- having a job, working.
- ( Elevator door dings ) Good old sixth floor.
( Chuckles ) You coming, Tim? Oh, I'm not on six anymore.
- What? - What? With my promotion I'm up on seven.
Oh, so you're-- you're too good for us now, is that it? I'm not too good for anyone.
I'm just up on seven.
"Oh, I'm up on seven now.
" You sound really smug, buddy.
- Smug about the seventh floor? - Rodney: "Look at me.
" - "I'm Tim.
I'm powerful.
" - What? "I piss on the sixth floor people.
" - I never said I'm pissing on anybody.
- Stu: In your head you are.
- Oh my God.
- Stu: You whipped it out and you're pissing it - on our faces.
- I'm not.
And laughing about it.
And it's salty.
- In my eyes.
- The doors are closing.
Yes, they are, Tim: On this friendship.
- We'll see you at lunch.
- Rodney: Good riddance.
( Traffic noise ) Uh uh uh, I'm sorry.
I think you're sitting in my seat.
- What? - You're in my seat.
This is where I sit.
Hey, aren't you the chick from the lobby? - Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
I used to sit in the lobby and then they were like, I've been Mr.
Davis's assistant for two months now.
Boss: Rodney, get in here.
I need you.
See? ( Traffic noise ) Hey hey hey, boss.
Look who's back.
Ugh! No.
You? Uh, no.
I didn't want you, Rodney.
I wanted her, Rodney.
Wait, her name's Rodney too? I mean, I was just so used to calling my assistant Rodney, it just seemed so much simpler just to change her name to Rodney - when we promoted her.
- Wait, so I'm out? I thought Tim's deal was we all get our old jobs back.
Relax relax, you all have jobs.
As it happens, we need an assistant for one of our brand-new executives.
- ( Knocks on door ) - Hey hey hey.
- No fucking way.
- Oh, hey.
I'm not being Tim's assistant.
I'm afraid that's the young executive's decision.
- What's happening here? - Now that you're an executive, - you get an assistant.
- Oh wow.
Would you like hot Rodney or just regular old Rodney? I'm going to-- I'm going to pull the trigger - here on hot Rodney.
- Boss: Here you go, here he comes.
What? No no.
I said I want hot Rodney.
Yeah, you got him.
I named him that because he's always wearing those charming hockey sweaters and they tend to create quite an oven.
- They trap heat.
- What?! - Tim: No.
- When you wear them, how would you describe - what it's like inside of them? - I'm hot.
( Laughs ) Hot Rodney! I was actually impressed that you know it's called a hockey sweater - as opposed to a Jersey.
- Sweater, I know.
I played at tufts.
Oh, this is a disaster.
Let's just switch it back.
Sorry, you failed.
Welcome back.
( Traffic noise ) Oh my God.
What a funny turn of events.
I'm breaking inside.
- What? - Come on, let's just do our work.
It's fun.
I'd rather like, lick toilets in prison.
You're still an assistant, Rodney.
It's the same job.
But I'm your assistant.
That's like the lowest of the low, bro.
- No, it's prestigious.
- Oh my God, this is horrible.
- This is a different side of Rodney.
- Oh, your phone's ringing! You want me to answer that, I bet, huh? Pick up the phone, Rodney! Pick up the phone! - ( Phone beeps ) - This is the worst job ever! All right, you know what? Just do something easy.
Go get me some Charleston chews.
- Oh oh oh my God! - Just-- it's not.
- Charleston chews, bro? - Oh my God.
A Charleston fucking chew?! By definition you have to assist me with something.
- Fuck you, man.
I'll go get your Charleston chew.
- Holy shit.
Off to a rough first hour here.
( Traffic noise ) ( Laughs ) Stiff rod.
How's the first day back, man? Oh, hey Stan.
It sucks.
I'm Tim's assistant now, and he's got me running around town assisting him with work-related tasks.
Are you kidding me? Someone needs to twist that fucker's dick off and shove it up his ass.
Bro, I was literally thinking the same thing.
If you ask me, it's time for Tim to get stanked.
- What? - Stanked.
It's a combo of "Stan" and "pranked.
" Oh yeah, okay.
So like we could take him outside, kick him in the nuts and then just be like, "you got stanked!" Or we could take him, throw him off, like, the second-floor balcony, and be like, "stanked! Stanked! Stanked!" Stu is skipping to the bathroom he's had a cup of coffee and he's ready to let loose stall number Stu is where Stu's gonna do his Stu damage.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Hey, do you, uh-- do you work for u.
? No.
Why do you ask? Because I'd like you to handle my package.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't work for the u.
Okay, so you don't get that.
- Get what? - That was a joke.
( Laughing intently ) - Hey, are you someone important here? - Mm-hmm.
I am.
I'm Stu.
My last name's Omnicorp.
- You're Stuballs Omnicorp? - Mm-hmm.
See, I didn't know Omnicorp was someone's name.
Yeah, that's my name.
That's my family's name.
What ethnicity is that? Do you know anything about the Dutch? - No, nothing.
- Then it's a Dutch name.
Wow! - See? It's not so bad.
- No no.
I think I'm doing much better now.
It just took me a little bit to warm up, that's all.
That's good.
I'm gonna go out for my falafel.
- You just chill here.
- You know what? You are a great boss.
I'm just-- I'm sorry for being testy before.
- You're a great assistant.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
- I shouldn't have messed up your hair like that.
- Nah, it's all right.
- It's fine.
- That sort of seemed like a playful gesture.
- All right.
- It looks better.
- You're the boss.
It looks better.
- See you later.
- ( Mimics bird call ) - ( Footsteps approach quickly ) - What the hell was that? - Yeah, was that supposed to be a fucking bird? Dude, why would there be a bird in the office? Just shut the door, guys.
Come on! What's the prank? As you both know, I'm the master of impressions.
Actually, that is entirely new information I'm getting too old for this shit.
Too old? This whole thing was your idea.
I think that was his impression of Danny glover, - but it was terrible.
- I also do a spot on Tim.
- Just trust me on this one.
- ( Laughs ) Yes.
Hey Tim, what's-- - what's going on.
- Hey, Becky.
Just kicking it executive-style up on seven.
, I broke up with my girlfriend, so I'm on the market if you want to get first dibs.
First dibs on what exactly? First dibs on me-- fresh meat; Grade a Tim meat.
Beef-- big sweaty beef.
- Ugh.
- Talk to you later, sugar tits.
Oh my God, Tim just offered me his sweaty meat and called me sugar tits.
( Laughs ) You gotta do Helen, bro.
Fucking Helen, that bitch.
Watch this.
Uh, Tim? Hey, Helen.
How's your first day back? Oh, it's really wonderful.
Anyway, I never had the nerve to say it in person, but I wanted to let you know that old fat chicks make me super horny.
- Tim! - Tim loves wrinkly, mature, chubby ladies.
- No, don't say that.
- I love older, wrinkly - butts and boobs.
- No! Don't say those things.
No! And I just want to get all kinds of sexy in 'em.
Please, I don't want to hear this.
- Stanked! Stanked! Stanked! - Dude, that was amazing.
You're cool, Stan.
Your behavior's cool.
Tim Tim Tim.
Marie Marie Marie.
- Tim.
- Tim.
We haven't said a whole lot yet.
We're just saying each other's names.
One day as an executive, the power goes straight to your head.
Is this about the Charleston chews? I was just trying to keep him busy.
Tim, this is about the calls you made during lunch.
Calls you made during lunch, Tim.
Call? I didn't make any calls.
- Marie: You called every woman on the sixth floor - No no.
- and said sexually abusive things.
- Please don't say that.
- You even left a message for gay Gary.
- What?! - We just call him Gary, I think.
- Well, g.
- I didn't leave a message for Gary.
- ( Marie exhales ) It seems like you did.
Hey, Gary, it's me.
- ( Stu, Rodney laughing ) - It's Tim.
I'm gay now and was wondering if you'd like to put your penis in my mouth.
Or just tickle each other when we're naked watching "the wizard of oz.
" You heard that voice and now you hear me.
You think it's the same person? Marie: You have a pretty unique voice.
- It's exactly the same voice.
- That's obviously Stan.
And you can hear Stu and Rodney in the background.
- Hold on, is that-- - Is that-- - is that what's going on here? - It's a prank call.
That's what's happening here, some kind of jerky boys knockoff.
- Yeah.
- This is unacceptable.
Listen, I know it's unacceptable.
- Don't come down too hard on those guys.
- Oh, them? Really? If I take a dog and he poops on a lawn, I don't fire e dog.
- No.
- So you, it's your fault.
My fault? What did I do? Tim, you're spineless.
You need to go out there and immediately earn the respect of your co-workers.
- How would I do that? - Degrade them, defile them, - demoralize them.
- Spit if you must.
Put on a little onesie suit like Kim Jong-Il and tell them what's what.
- Let me just remember: Degrade - Right.
- defile - Right.
- demean? - Demoralize.
- Demoralize.
- I like demean.
Let's slip demean in there.
Tim: You kidding me, Rodney? - What? - What's that, drinking coffee on the job? - I had some down time.
- Hey, no.
No down time on Tim time.
- What? I just-- - You better st the fuck up - Whoa.
- While you're behind, pal.
- Whoa.
- You're testing me.
- You know what you are, Rodney? - What? You're an ass.
You're a living, breathing ass.
A human as-- you know what? I just had an idea.
Go get me an ass.
Get me a live donkey.
- Dude, have-- have you gone crazy? - You know what? Maybe I have, but if you're not back with the donkey by 5:00 P.
, you're fired.
( Footsteps recede ) Wow, that was really impressive.
- Helen: I've never seen him that-- - Kind of sexy.
- Authoritative.
- Yeah, like he'd ( Grunts ) throw you down on a desk or something.
Well, I'd have to have my cushion.
I'm not comparing myself to Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin, - but if you look at the different - ( Door opens ) - Yo, Timmy.
- Habits of the-- - oh my-- oh my God! - Sorry to interrupt.
- Here's your-- - Oh my God, you got it! - Yeah, here's your donkey.
- ( Brays ) - That's insane.
What, you got a donkey? - Yep.
I was not ready for this.
It's only been an hour.
My buddy Sal in Brooklyn, he runs kids' birthday parties, bing bang boom-- donkey.
- Sal fucked me.
- What do you want me to do with it? - Let me um, let me think.
Let me think.
- ( Braying ) - Let the executive think.
- ( Braying continues ) Stuballs Omnicorp, what are you doing in this disgusting office? Oooh.
I'm not thinking of my excuse, I'm just pausing.
I am actually just posing as a low-level employee because I'm filming a reality show called - "incognito boss.
" - Oh, I get it.
- Yeah? - Hey, uh, let me know if I can help.
And, uh, I'll do anything.
Well, then why don't you take a seat on Mr.
Omnicorp's lap? - Mr.
Omnicorp, you're so naughty.
- Yeah.
Whatever you want, Rodney is here - to help.
- ( Chair creaks ) - Your name is Rodney? - Yeah, but you can call me regular Rodney.
Okay, that's just really a lateral move.
( siren blaring ) Listen, people, we're gonna do a little comparison here.
We're gonna see who's better at their job, - Rodney or the donkey.
- ( Brays ) Um, challenge number one, let's see who answers phones better.
And ring.
Hello, Omnicorp.
This is Rodney.
- How may I assist you? - Not bad.
Donkey? Let's just pretend the donkey answered on speakerphone and everyone understood what he meant.
- But he didn't do-- - Hey, let's pretend he did.
He's a donkey.
Give him a break.
All right, let's do a filing challenge.
File the papers, Rodney.
- ( Brays ) - ( Woman gasps ) - Tim: Oh no, oh no, oh no.
- Did I lose? - Top it, Rodney.
Top it.
- That makes me feel disrespected.
I know.
You know what? Forget the challenge.
Let's call it a draw.
A draw? The point is well made.
They're both pretty pretty similar.
( Scats ) What?! Why in God's name is there a live donkey in my office? Boss, boss, I was doing what you said.
I'm publically demoralizing Rodney and making him feel bad - in a-- in a group setting.
- Okay, let me-- let me ask-- - it was a comparison.
- Can I--? Are you a retard? - Me? No.
- For Christ's sake, Tim, Rodney's going to come across as superior to a donkey, to any ungulate, any hoofed creature.
- This is crazy.
- You're not helping me - win the respect of my-- - Listen, you want to see some effective leadership? Here we go.
Rodney, you work for me again.
Tim, you no longer have an assistant.
Stu, pick up the donkeyshit.
Right now, pick it up.
We wanna watch.
All right, everyone back to work except for Tim.
Davis, you may not want to do that.
Well, I don't.
That's why I'm having him do it.
No, that's Stuballs Onmicorp.
- He's undercover! - Uh uh uh.
- That was supposed to be our secret, babe.
- Wow, you are hot, but you really are too dumb to be an assistant.
- Back to the lobby for you.
- You lied to me.
Only about my last name being Omnicorp.
My real name is Stu.
( Whimpers ) I am so disillusioned with the non-lobby section of this company.
- I gotta say.
- ( Footsteps recede ) I've never been that close to having sex with a woman that hot and then immediately just in a pile of donkeyshit.
- So listen, Tim.
- Yeah.
This was a major abuse of power and I'm going to have to punish you.
Oh, I thought I lost my assistant.
Ah, yes, that and I need you to go out and get a cowboy outfit.
- Yeah.
- I want you to ride around the office on the donkey all week wearing assless chaps and you're going to be shouting, "I'm the sheriff of Omnicorp.
" And then you shoot your guns.
( Mimics gunshots ) - That's gonna be embarrassing.
- Exactly.
And that's how you use a donkey to humiliate someone.
You do make it look easy.
I'm not gonna lie.
No matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive.
( Groans ) - ( Music playing ) - ( Slurps ) - Tim: Hey, boss.
- Wow, hey, is that Christian bale? Get in here, American psycho.
- What kind of introduction is that? - You just look pretty sharp.
Come have a seat.
Make yourself comfortable.
- Ah.
- Mm, not that comfortable.
- Oh, sorry.
- Listen, I'm having a party tomorrow - and I kind of want you to be there.
- That's great.
- What kind of party? - It's like a divorce party.
Just like a super fun way of saying, "you're out of here, you bitch.
" - That's a mean-spirited party theme though.
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna take the boat out and just-- - Ah, the boat.
- Just good friends and loose women.
- That's not really my speed.
- I got a girlfriend.
- What is your speed? - Tight women? - ( Laughs ) Bad friends and tight women? If Stu and Rodney can go, I guess I'll tag along.
They can come, but they've gotta be crew and they've gotta bring food.
That's a little insulting, don't you think? Well, I think they'd probably appreciate the chance to be a couple of seamen.
Gotta throw a seaman joke in.
It's a boat theme.
Not to get too sentimental, but the first year really was-- ah, it was magical, you know? But the next 17 ( Singsong, laughs ) Sucked balls.
( Chuckles ) Well, since we're being honest, I've had sex with the u.
Guy four times since labor day.
So have I.
I was aware of your little affair so I engaged in some gay sex with that dude too, - just to spite you.
- Uh uh, okay okay.
Let's keep it civilized.
Are all the copies signed? - Yes, I believe so.
- Marriage over, bang done.
( Stutters ) If you'll both just step outside, the mediator will escort you to the townhouse to hand over the keys - and transfer custody of the dog.
- What is this? Okay, you've signed away Keith.
- I most certainly never signed away Keith.
- No, you did.
- Listen, it's part of the deal, okay? - What deal? - The deal that we've made.
- What have you done? - What did you do? - Listen, I know you're upset.
- You can get another dog.
- Who is going to watch "Montel" with him? I-I don't know.
Irregardless-- what does that even mean? "Irregardless" isn't a word.
It's a word.
I went to law school.
Would you just trust me, please? - Is there a problem? - Boss: No no.
- Everything is great.
- ( Chair scrapes ) All right, let's go uptown, get you the doggie.
Right? Okay, see you in 20 minutes.
Nice being married to you.
Good afternoon, sir.
I've got you headed uptown-- - go! Drive fast now! Dick, pedal, foot, floor! Go! - ( Keith whimpers ) ( Tires screech ) ( Baby talk ) He's so sweet.
Daddy loves you.
Daddy loves you.
He does.
He does.
( Keith whimpers ) Ah, I wish I had a clown posse) - 'Cause this is gonna be insane.
- Insane! - I'm so psyched.
- Who are you saying thank you to? - Thank you, Tim.
- Timmy, - thank you! - Woman: Hey-hey, excuse me, um, is this the debauchery on the high "see-us" party? - All three: It is.
- Both: Yep! Weird pronunciation, but it is.
Let me tell you guys, I love to party.
I really love to party and fuck people.
- Tim: What?! - Woman #2: Yeah, she does.
- Whoa, awesome.
- Woman #1: Here's the deal though-- we're kind of gonna need some, like, snort snort.
- ( Laughs ) Do I have time to run back-- - Nasal decongestant? ( Laughs )Do I have time to run back to my apartment? I could grab some coke and rubbers and mints and stuff.
We're just hoping for a prompt departure, so.
Actually, I think it'd be a great idea if you guys went and got your stuff right away.
- Okay.
- You got plenty of time.
Go go go go go.
Okay, look at my ass move when I run away.
- ( Laughs ) - Okay, be right back.
- ( Women run ) - A prompt departure, Tim? - What the hell is that, bro? - What's wrong with that? What are you, a middle school vice principal? Quick! Start the engines! Shiver me timbers! Shove off! - What-- hey, boss.
What are-- - ( Gate slams ) It's too early.
It's 9:30.
No one's here yet.
- Yeah, the girls are coming right back.
- No no no, we're all good.
We got everything we need.
We got four dudes and a dog.
You, you're the captain.
- Turn it on.
- Me? I don't know-- - Stu? - Make boat go now, turn knobs, press buttons, engage.
- I don't know what I'm doing here.
- Stu's-- pretend you're a d.
And those are all knobs to make music.
Go! - Okay.
- Boss, boss, he-- he can't drive this boat.
- He's doing it.
- The boat's moving, guys.
- Here we go.
- Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
Guys, not to worry you, but we're gonna die.
- Rodney: Without those skanky chicks.
- ( Horn honks ) It's been an hour.
- Legally, we can hold him in contempt and sue.
- Oh, no no no.
I'd rather get the dog than his money.
You ever seen him with that mongrel? I can't wait to put him up on eBay.
I know I represent you, but you really are a very mean woman.
I appreciate your business, ( laughs ) But you're-- yeah.
( Engine revs, sputters, stops ) - Tim: Holy shit.
- Oh, it's over.
- It's finally over.
- What a nightmare.
- I can't believe I didn't puke.
- The puking is just about to start.
Here we go with the good times, right, everybody? - Boss.
- Dance it up with me, Stubin.
It'll shake off the malaise.
- What is going on? - We're dancing on the high seas! - Why are we here, boss?! - Why are we here? It's such a mystery! - Boss, you really sound like you're on drugs.
- Oh, come on.
Why did we race out here so fast? - Okay.
- Tim: Tell us the truth.
You really-- you want the truth, Tim? I-- if that's a setup for saying you can't handle the truth, - I'm really gonna smack you.
- You can't-- don't-- okay.
Here's the deal.
The lawyers wanted to take Keith from me.
I panicked O.
You guys are all my Marcus Allen.
I figured if we got to international waters, they legally couldn't touch us.
Bang, that's it.
- I heard the word o.
- I knew you couldn't handle the truth.
- This doesn't make any sense, boss - Tim: Oh my God.
because we can't live out here forever.
Really? We can't live on the boat forever? Sleeps six.
- One, two, three, four, five.
- Boss, you're getting crazier by the minute.
- Am I? We-- - We're not living out here.
What? We don't have a lot of shrimp to eat? - All right, now I'm listening.
- Listen, we're not going back.
They're going to take Keith from me.
So we're gonna try pirate life.
- Oh my God.
- Boss: That's right.
It's by far the worst boat trip you've hosted.
There was the one where those two kids died waterskiing behind us.
- That was pretty bad.
- That was a tragedy.
That was their own fault.
- ( Splashing ) - Just letting it go whenever I want - ( Squawks ) - Dribbling all the way down my front I'm just a-pissing pissing at sea.
( Mutters ) What?! - What?! Hey, oh my God! - Ah.
- Oh, what is that? - Sorry, bro.
Didn't see you down there.
Freedom is intoxicating.
There's no rules out here, - so I was just pissing wherever, you know? - No! That's a rule anywhere on the globe.
- You don't piss on people.
- ( Retching ) Stu, you could at least go over the side.
Unlimited shrimp cocktail is both a blessing and a curse.
- This-- this is not working out for me at all.
- ( Door opens ) Ah, fresh sea air.
What's up? - Boss.
- I'll tell you what's up.
That is a big-time nautical boner.
- Keith, look away.
- ( Whimpers ) - Can we have a talk? - Oh, a powwow.
Shoot! Listen, I know-- I know how you feel, boss, - about Keith.
- Mmm.
But if you need to hide him from the lawyers, - isn't this serious overkill? - What exactly do you recommend? I was thinking about it.
Why don't-- just tell the lawyers he died.
How would they ever know? Well, I mean, he does-- he does wear some pretty flamboyant Halloween costumes.
So don't wear those anymore.
Keep a low profile.
- Get a carrying case or something.
- That's brilliant.
A carrying case.
See? Now I understand why Tim got the promotion.
- Right.
- Tim: This is easy stuff, guys.
Yeah, but most people would have fled to sea - and lived like a pirate.
- Very few.
- I have a whole new respect for you, Timbo.
- ( Squawks ) - ( Music playing on stereo ) - Say ho! ( Sobs ) This is so sad.
Can't believe he's gone.
Keith, he was just like a part of our family.
Really fucking sad indeed.
He was a health code violation, but so cute.
- Oh, the sadness.
Oh the deep deep sadness.
- ( Sobbing continues ) Uh, well, I wanna thank everybody for showing up.
Now, uh, what do you think about getting back to work? Tim, hold up one quick second.
- Okay.
- This idea of yours is the greatest thing ever.
- Living on dry land? - Are you kidding? He loves it.
He's got food, he's got water, a DVD player.
He's in there right now watching "Jean de Florette" and "Manon of the Spring," the sequel with Emmanuelle Beart.
He loves it! Yo, boss, this broad's here to see you - from the Discovery Channel.
- I'm sorry, that's really inappropriate.
Uh, this lady in a pantsuit's here to see you from the Discovery Channel.
That's a bit better.
Can I help you? I'm Amy Gravitt, line producer for "Extreme Animal Rescues.
" ( Excitedly ) Oh, "Extreme Animal Rescues.
" Right? - Were you mocking me? - No.
I love that.
God, the voice of that, "extreme!" I know this is difficult, but we saw the transcript of your story over the police wire.
It sounds like a very dramatic rescue.
Was it? No, he just kind of drowned from a-- how could you not see the drama in it? He saved your life.
My life? What did you tell them? - The truth.
- Anyway, we'd like to film a reenactment for our show.
- Oh no.
- Would we have your permission? I love this idea.
I'm really flattered.
( Chuckles ) Well, fantastic.
It actually would be a fitting tribute and it would let everyone know that he is legally and officially dead.
- What do you mean? - Right, that did come out a bit weird.
I don't know, guys, - these actors seem kind of miscast to me.
- Tim: That's ridiculous.
Stu: Yeah, we look nothing like those guys.
They got these b actors to play us and the boss is being played by Billy Dee Williams.
Works every time.
Actually, I'd love to go over some of these lines with you.
I have one line I, uh-- I say, "not on my watch.
" - Ah.
- I was hoping you might say like, ( excitedly ) "Not on my watch!" You know, sort of like, uh, Charlton- Hestony, you know "Damn you, dirty apes!" Or maybe just like, uh, "as captain of this ship" - Eee-- - "I will not let you down, Timothy!" - It's a bit-- a little forced.
- Oh, okay.
- Just a little.
- All right, yeah.
"As captain of this ship, I will not let you down, - "Timothy!" - Yeah yeah, that's good.
- "Not on my watch!" - Yeah, but more like, - "not on my watch!" - "Not on my watch!" - Yeah, that's a bit effeminate, Billy.
- Okay.
- ( Fan buzzing ) - Quiet on the set, please.
All right, let's try one.
And action.
( High-pitched ) Help.
I can't swim.
( Crying ) Is he supposed to be me? I can't swim.
I'm scared.
This guy's the worst actor in history.
Where's he getting that voice from? - That's the way you talk, bro.
- That's not the way I talk.
- Mommy.
- All right, cut cut.
- What?! What? - Cut cut cut cut.
- Whoa whoa whoa whoa.
- Sorry.
- Actor: What happened? - I call cut.
I call cut.
That's just not the way it happened.
My voice isn't that high.
I never said mommy.
The dialogue is straight from the police report.
Well, can we at least lose the word mommy? All right, fine.
Lose mommy.
Let's go again.
( High-pitched ) Ah-hh, I'm drowning.
Why am I such a pussy? This is ridiculous.
You can't say pussy on animal planet.
As captain of this ship, I will not let you drown, Timothy.
- Not on my watch! - Not on his watch! ( Claps ) God, it's so good.
- All right, cut cut.
- Again, you can't call cut.
- What's your problem, man? - Tim: I don't have a problem.
Was Tina Turner on the set of "what's love got to do with it?" - I don't know, I wasn't-- - No.
Telling Angela Bassett not to do the things that she was doing 'cause they were in the script? No! Just-- just try to be a better actor.
Never in my three months of reenactment acting have I been disrespected so much.
Goodbye! - ( Splashes ) - Oh my God.
( Loud sloshing ) I bet he wanted it a little more dramatic than that - with the flippers on.
- Yeah, the flippers make it a little silly.
( Cooing ) Tim, thank you for doing this.
I appreciate it.
- The show must go on, right? - Yeah yeah, I know we had some tension but I just wanted to, you know, just reach out and say thank you.
- That's very cool of you.
- Cool cool.
Let's lock it down.
All right.
Drag it out.
Lock it down.
- Okay, cool.
We got three bells.
- Those aren't phrases.
- All right, we got stuntdogs in place.
- Okay, here we go.
And action.
All right, Keith, I know these are rough seas, but I've done battle with worse.
You will not die here, not today, not on this open sea.
Grab onto my strong arms.
Timmy's performance is actually moving me.
But he's kind of overacting.
I mean, come on.
- This is ridiculous.
- He's killing it.
The dog should have all the lines.
And big climax now.
Go for it! We're gonna swim to safety.
Here we go.
Come on, Keith.
Come on, Keith.
Keith! Come on, Keith.
- ( Keith's footsteps ) - ( Splashes ) There's Keith.
Did he come back from the dead? What kind of messed-up person would stage his own dog's death just to get on "Extreme Animal Rescues"?! - Are you referring to me? - Yes, I am - Don't-- - Crazy, creepy fuck.
I'm extreme though.
This is a waste of time.
Let's shut this down.
That was a poorly timed use of the extreme voice.
Hey, boss, everything good? ( Slurps ) Good? - Well-- - Everything good? - Than-thanks to you and your overacting - Yeah? I'm being prosecuted by the police for lying to them.
- Oh.
- My wife has left and taken the only thing that matters to me-- Keith.
- Oh, no.
- Right.
And worst of all, I am no longer on the list to Billy Dee Williams' celebrity pig roast.
He does a celebrity pig roast? I bet a nickel I could tell you if it was heads or tails I'm not gonna worry wrinkles in my brow 'cause nothing's ever gonna be all right nohow no matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive.