The Magicians (2016) s05e01 Episode Script

Do Something Crazy

1 Previously, on "The Magicians" You didn't just save their lives, you changed their lives as much as they changed yours.
You didn't want to leave all that.
Pardon me, sir.
Fillory is still ruled by Acting High King Fen, right? The Dark King reins.
Glory to his rule.
High King Fen and Josh the Fresh Prince were overthrown 300 years ago.
We need you to go find someone and do your very best to convince them to come and help us.
Alice Quinn.
Get a bloodworm and cast, you boil alive.
Reed's Mark would prevent them from triggering the parasite.
And once this Serpent group have been dealt with, the mark is removed free of charge.
The one that I'm the most worried about is Julie.
Thank you for deciding that I'll never get to do magic again.
She's been in a weird place.
- And magic - Comes from pain.
Did you did you just see that? Yeah.
So what are you gonna do with it? Okay.
Julia, you, uh, ready? Wow.
- You look - Overdressed.
I thought you said this was a date.
I said I was taking you out and to dress appropriately.
That means dress up.
You totally told me to dress up.
- I should've been more specific.
- Good.
Glad to hear you accept the blame.
Only problem is, we gotta go now or we're gonna miss it.
Where's your coat? But it's 75 degrees out.
Not where we're going.
Okay Here.
Do you consent to be traveled? I consent to be traveled.
Where are we? Other side of the planet.
So my friend Seth is an artist, but there hasn't been enough magic for him to work with meteors until now.
It's incredible.
See, there are a lot of ways to use magic to make the world a better place.
Wait, what? Is that why you brought me here? No, that's not really the I mean, you've been working so hard to try to figure this out.
I told you.
It's my business.
And I'm just trying to help.
You know, to brainstorm.
I need to choose that.
You understand what that means, right? You feel that? It's another surge? Shit.
Uh, Penny.
How does making pretty patterns in the sky help the world when this type of a thing can happen? No one knows when a magic surge is coming.
So what, we shouldn't try and make things nicer? The surges are getting worse.
I'm just saying this is the type of thing I should be using my magic to fix.
Julia, I-I just wanted you to have a break for one night.
Yeah, but this is why I'm working.
I mean I only have magic because I lost Q.
I-I just have to find something to do with it that That's worth that.
Julia, there's nothing that you will ever be able to do that's worth losing him.
You know what kills me? I just keep thinking, like "Oh, I should talk to Q.
He'd know what I should do.
" And then I think, "Oh, right.
" It's only been a month.
This kind of thing takes a while.
Ah, goddamn it.
- My apologies.
- Dean Fogg? I was waiting for the right moment to interject and, well, that never came.
Are you drunk? No, and I'm sorry about the scotch.
I was smelling it.
You're not trying to get me to go to Brakebills again, are you? Hardly, dear.
I accepted your refusal as any gentleman should.
Truth is, I'm actually here for Penny.
Jesus Christ, what happened here? Everett drank a reservoir of magic and exploded.
It had to go somewhere.
Too much magic means too many people with potential are discovering their gift.
Lately, more people have been able to pass than we can handle.
And now look at this place.
Might as well be a goddamn state school; overcrowded, discipline problems.
Did you know someone stole the school's supply of living clay? - No.
- Of course, thanks to the surges, a few of them have blown themselves up, which isn't very good for morale, but yes, it helps with the goddamn over-enrollment.
With the rise in students has come a simultaneous rise in some of the rarer disciplines like yours.
So who better to teach them than you? Whoa, I I'm no professor.
Penny, you're the only Brakebills-educated traveler currently alive on this planet, which makes you far more qualified to teach them than anyone else I have, - including me.
- Yeah, but what if one of them gets killed because of me? Excellent point.
This indemnifies you against any claims, legal or magical that your students might make.
That doesn't actually solve my problem.
Penny, I can assure you that without your instruction, one of them will absolutely get killed.
To our pretty corpses.
Goddamn gorgeous corpses.
I'd fuck our corpses.
What are we doing here, Eliot? We're despairing in style, as befits two former High Kings of Fillory.
On that note, it's 3:00, when I usually ask you if you'd like to talk about Quentin.
And I usually respond, "I'm fine.
" With the help of some liberally applied libations.
I would prefer to focus on our current hopeless situation.
You know, I gotta give it to this Dark King.
All the patrols and heightened security have made it impossible to get into his castle.
We tried for a week.
That seems like enough.
Although Dark King is a little generic as villain names go, wouldn't you say? I have notes.
Like, we get it, you're a despot.
You're the fucking Dark King.
Although he is somewhat effective.
Everyone seems terrified of him, like the bunnies.
- They did seem unusually scared.
- They did.
I hope they get our warning to 23.
You know I know we told him not to Travel here because of time shit, but maybe we should just take the Portal Tree back to Earth and regroup? I think it's not safe to leave until we figure out the time shit.
What if we go back and bam it's 300 years later on Earth? If we could just figure out a way into his castle and find out what happened to Josh and Fen, we might be in a better position.
Bambi, we're 300 years in the future.
All signs point to not good.
Look, Josh is a fucking Magician.
Maybe he baked an immortality cake or something.
Plus, it's Fillory.
Weirdness abounds.
I guess these people didn't get the memo they're living in a dystopia.
A fine Unshackling to you pilgrims.
- Hello.
- I see you've gotten a head start on today's festivities.
- Right - I'm I'm Pree.
And, uh, you two must be High King Margo and High King Eliot.
Um, what? Now, guess who I am.
Come on.
High King Fen the Toeless.
Not bad, right? - They're cosplaying as us.
- Hey, - so where's this big party? - Yeah.
You two really have been drinking.
There's only one place to celebrate the Great Unshackling.
Castle Whitespire! Castle Whitespire.
- Of course, where else? - We wanna get there before all the good seats are gone, so come with us.
- Come on.
- Come on.
It can't be that easy, can it? I guess so.
Good afternoon, Alice.
It is afternoon, you know.
You got another letter from the Library.
You know they're just gonna keep sending them unless you respond.
I know, I already told them no.
They're just bad at listening.
Alice, you know I have no problem with you living here, and it is your business if you want to let yourself go, but right now I need you to put on you know, whatever fits and help me.
It's an emergency.
You want my help to cheat? Not cheat, pick.
It's my ladies' garden club perennial orchid competition, and, well, I wanna win.
But none of them are Magicians, right? Yeah, but that doesn't mean they're not a bunch of mean old twats.
Mom, this is not an emergency.
Yes it is.
There's too much magic, Alice.
Everything that I touch just it grows like crazy.
I'll get it.
Hey, uh, can I come in? Uh, welcome to Introductory Psychic Translocation.
My name is Professor Adiyodi.
I see you have your Umar, Kaminsky, Aurora See, I always thought books would help, but The only problem is, books make you think you can do something that you shouldn't.
Anyone hearing other people's thoughts yet? Cool, you're gonna wanna get some psychic wards to block that shit out right now.
The truth? Being a traveler is a curse.
Best case scenario? You end up a taxi service for your friends.
Worst case? You dream about volcanoes, and then you wake up in one.
What? Yeah, are you actually gonna teach us something or are you just gonna keep trying to scare us? Look, man, I'm trying to be real with you.
You should be scared.
I mean, have you even actually traveled? Anyone? Okay seriously, get an anti-traveling tattoo and then just go.
Enjoy your life.
'Cause it'd be a hell of a lot longer than if you stick around with this shit.
End of class.
I miss him too, but a séance? Well, I wanted to talk to him, and then I realized what if I could? You know, what if we could? Actually talking to the dead is wild magic.
It's way too dangerous.
Well, then what should I do? Because I don't know, and the person I wanna ask is Q.
I miss him every day too.
I honestly don't know how to move on without him.
I just but we have to, right? I found it.
It was his.
His notes are written in the margin.
What a nerd.
Can't talk to him, but can read it.
Picture what he was thinking.
Next best thing.
Um is Kady here? Let me get this straight.
Your friend tried to remove your Reed's Mark with magic, and - Blew my arm off, yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
I still can't cast, either.
Why not go to a hospital? I don't have health insurance.
I know a spell.
- Might make you vomit, though.
- Like a lot? One-armed beggars can't be one-arm choosers.
Hold his arm in place.
Wait, wait, wait how much throw-up, really? Wow, thank Uh-oh.
- You got that look, boss.
- That guy he was so afraid of not having magic, he was willing to risk blowing his own arm off to get it back.
That guy was an idiot.
Or maybe just desperate.
So what? It's hard to be a Hedge? It's always been hard.
We could at least defend ourselves.
I thought with magic back, things would get better.
The Library promised they'd remove all of Reed's Marks, - and they haven't.
- Are you surprised? I hear the Library's falling apart.
So I doubt that fixing hedge witches ranks high on their to-do list.
Well, I'm done waiting.
There's tons of magic now, so let's figure out a way to remove them ourselves.
If you're serious, I heard about a guy who might be able to help.
An Order of the Library of the Neitherlands medical manual should have the ritual you're looking for.
And why should we trust you? 'Cause I don't give a rat's tit about the Library.
Never have.
I don't even read books.
- But you worked for them.
- Not anymore.
Contracts aren't valid once the place collapses.
Besides, I'm chaotic neutral, so I do a lot of crazy shit for cash.
And since we're not here to fuck spiders, you can pay, can't you? We can pay.
How soon can you get us the manual? I'm not getting it for you.
I'll just tell you where you can find it.
A former Library book depository no one's hit yet.
They'll have one and a lot more goodies, besides.
And you're not grabbing these goodies for yourself, why? Mate, if I knew how to rob that place without getting decapitated, I'd be robbing it right now.
You have all come to hear the story of the Great Unshackling.
First, there was I, Ember, God of Fillory.
Then came my boring brother, Umber.
Together we created this world.
But I thought it would be funny if Fillory were ruled by Children of Earth.
I am High King Eliot, and I am drunk all the time.
That's original.
I am High King Margo, and I'm angry all the time.
I am King Quentin, and I am dissatisfied all the time.
I am Queen Alice, and I died, sort of.
It's complicated.
The Children of Earth came and went doing their Children of Earth things, like chewing loudly and texting.
One of them even killed me, which was not funny, but at least it was unexpected.
He neglected to mention he was gonna destroy the world.
- True that.
- Shh! No matter who was in charge, Fillory remained shackled to them, which brings us to these two.
I am High King Fen the Toeless, and I like knives.
I am Josh the Fresh Prince, and I love to eat.
Also I have a mustache.
I guess Josh must've gone through a mustache phase.
So they weren't paying attention when it happened.
The Takers came into Fillory.
The borderlands became overrun.
The people fled for their lives.
Boo! Boo.
- What's a Taker? - No one knows - I don't know.
- where the Takers came from, but they were everywhere.
The people asked for help.
But we didn't do anything.
The people prayed.
There were no more gods in Fillory, yet their prayers were answered anyway.
I will save the people of Fillory! Who was this mysterious hero? Oh, just a humble wizard coming to you out of the darkness.
Eventually, the people would decide to make this dark wizard their king: the Dark King.
I promise to protect you as long as I live, and I shall live forever.
But before this could happen, the people handed out just desserts! To the gallows! Did somebody say "dessert"? As we cast off the shackles of our past, I declare today will be known hence as the Great Unshackling.
And the people of Fillory lived happily ever after.
Margo, for God's sake, - would you just come back? - They murdered them! They murdered the shit out of them.
Okay, yeah, like 300 years ago, all right? Look, maybe you didn't have time to prepare yourself for this, but you have to know it didn't end well for them.
Yeah, well, it's not over yet.
We're gonna "Endgame" this shit.
When did you have time to go see "Endgame"? Does it matter? All I'm saying is we're gonna time-fix this bitch.
In the center of Fillory is a clockwork heart built by dwarves.
They're the ones who taught Jane Chatwin how to do Time Magic.
Jesus Helena Bonham Christ.
Read the books already, El.
We're gonna dial back the clock 300 years to before all this bullshit.
Right, so I guess we just have to somehow find our way to the center of the world, then? When I was High King, I started excavations to reach it.
I wanted to meet the Clock Dwarf.
Who takes care of the clockwork heart? Come on.
So we're actually going to slide to the center of the world? Oh, grow a , will you? Bitch, I would if I could.
So what made you change your mind? I need to get out of the house, and your request seemed the least annoying.
You promise you won't ask me to join the Library? Promise.
I just need a phosphoromancer for, like, an afternoon.
I have a serious case of slide-ass.
I think I lost several pounds to friction burn as well.
Welcome, adventurers! Wait, you're the Clock Dwarf? Huh, I thought you'd be smaller.
'Cause I deal with clocks? 'Cause on Earth, "dwarf" means "small.
" Really? Is Earth really big? So tell me, did you happen to bring any food with you? Uh were we supposed to bring you some food? I mean, you didn't have to.
I just figured if you came all that way from the surface, you might have some hearty, adventuring snacks.
Like bread and maybe ham and cheese and lettuce and perhaps some assorted condiments.
Sounds like you want a ham sandwich.
If you're offering a ham sandwich.
I'm not.
Ah, I see.
It's just, uh I don't get out much on account of the massive disruptions in the flow of time that happens when I do.
I get by on cave mushrooms.
They're fine.
Um we were hoping you might be able to help us.
Earth and Fillory kind of fell out of sync.
On Earth, barely any time has passed, while here, it's been 300 years.
Big ol' surge of magic skipped the gears forward.
I had to crank down on it before it went too far.
Okay, how about you just wind it back 300 years, then? I can't.
These clock gears aren't made to go backward.
I could probably jump you forward 300 years, if you want? Why the shit would we wanna go another 300 years in the future? Well why would you wanna go 300 years in the past? Because all our friends are dead and the world is fucked.
Oh, wow sorry.
These mushrooms they also get me high, and so I don't always pick up on emotional cues.
- You're a smart dwarf, right? - Yeah.
There's gotta be some way to skip back.
I mean, this whole thing - is already impossible, isn't it? - Yeah.
We're sorry we didn't bring you snacks.
Oh, this isn't even about the snacks.
If I wound the clock backward, it would it would just be bad.
How bad? 'Cause it's bad now.
Like apocalypse bad.
It would destroy Fillory.
So I'm sorry.
I wish I could help you.
You guys want some cave mushrooms? Look on the bright side, Bambi.
We just got to slide up back to the surface, which hurt a lot less than on the way down.
And now we get to hole up in a lovely villa on the Grand Canal and sip Bellinis until we pass out.
We can't leave Fillory.
I don't want to tell you that things are hopeless, but they're not looking very good.
And I hate to see you feeling like this.
I'm not gonna feel better.
What the hell is wrong with you? You should feel just as upset.
Uh I don't know.
I guess it takes a lot to upset me.
I think you're gloriously medicated and in some textbook denial.
I'm managing.
- I'm fine.
- Sure, you're fine.
A monster rode you around for months while he murdered people, and then one of your closest friends died.
You know, I don't remember anything from in there.
As if that changes a goddamn thing.
Quentin died, and it hurts.
And I don't really want to talk about it.
Everything I have to say, you already know, so Why? Well, if it were me, I'd be driving a fucking semi down fury road.
Yeah, well, feelings are gauche and I'm sparing you mine and I thought you would be grateful.
I don't care what you're like out there, but with me? I thought you'd at least try to be real.
Don't "Bambi" me.
If you're gonna be this stupid, I need some time alone to calm down.
Hey, banished scum! What happened here? Been a rough couple of weeks.
Everyone's abandoned us.
We've lost most of the branches.
Can't even reach our people in the Underworld.
Where's Zelda? Oh, God, who knows? She's a mess.
Look, no bullshit, after you refused to help her for, like, the 15th time, I think it broke her brain.
She said she can't be trusted to lead and ran off.
Then who's leading the Library? Well, not me, that's for sure.
I'm just doing my job.
That's a Library Branch Index, isn't it? - You know about these? - I've heard a couple things.
Okay, well it shows you the location of every volume and how to access it.
So what's the problem, then? The phosphoromancer who did this is dead.
I need you to unlock it.
If you're gonna watch, I'll need a drink.
Yeah, I could use one myself.
I think there's a bit of confusion about the nature of your job.
You told me they'd get killed if I didn't talk to them, so I told them how not to get killed.
Well, how very thoughtful of you.
Look, man, I was doing you a solid, but I don't think I'm your guy.
This is the time, as a dean, where I usually dig deep to find a funny or sad anecdote to win you back.
But since I've stopped drinking, those no longer come easy.
- You stopped drinking? - Yes.
I've lost the taste for it, I'm afraid.
Maybe it's what happened to Quentin.
Maybe it's just my liver.
Either way, I'm a bit raw at the moment, so you will forgive my bluntness.
You signed a contract.
I thought that was, like, to protect me? I lied.
It was an employment contract, which forbids you from quitting.
I've never met a Penny who read the fine print.
So what if I break it? Well, I will sue you into oblivion.
Could you fight it? Yes.
Would you win? No.
Could you run? Well, yes, of course.
You're a traveler.
But I doubt a world exists where you could hide from our lawyers.
I will see you at school, Professor.
Not that there's anything wrong with masturbation.
There's a tradition of librarians masturbating it goes back centuries.
But just the way he did it was creepy.
God damn.
I need to pee.
Holy shit.
Apologies, my good lady, for the intrusion into your maison.
And for startling you.
And for raiding your magical winter box of comestibles.
It has been a long and arduous journey Fine.
Who are you? I am Sir Hargreave Mcgrubney Cubbins Archibald Brian Effingham III, but you can call me Sir Effingham.
Are you from Fillory? Why, yes I am.
Well deduced.
You are a credit to your sex.
We've passed that.
What brings you here to Earth? I am here on a mission of dreadful import.
It is not an exaggeration to say that the very fate of both of our worlds lies in the balance.
You're here to bestow a quest.
I am here to bestow a quest.
You know, this timing is perfect because honestly, I've been feeling a little lost lately and I've been looking for something to do with my magic to make a difference.
You know, searching for a sign.
- And here you are.
- Here I am.
So tell me, how can I help you? You can help me find Quentin Coldwater.
Um no, that's not Perhaps you have been beset by hysteria? Is your corset too tight? It can cause the womb to wander.
I've seen it happen.
Um, no, you you can't talk to Quentin because he he's dead.
He died.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
I do believe I'm having the hog sweats.
Are you all right? No, my dear lady, I do not believe that I am.
You see, this matter that brings me here it it is somewhat apocalyptic in nature.
Oh, I find that I do not feel at all well.
Perhaps you could pour me a draft of medicinal cocaine? Oh, yeah, that's not a thing we use Do you not have modern medicine in this gods-forsaken world? Oh, this is truly the end times.
Well, maybe I could help you to save the world.
Yes, very good.
Oh, you're serious.
No, no, no, you see, I'm afraid that that would be, uh, far too difficult for for someone like you to handle.
You know, I have saved the world before.
I was an actual Goddess.
And you are still quite fetching, albeit unmarried.
Look, the nature of the quest that I must deliver, well, it it requires a certain kind of hero.
And what kind of hero would that be? Well, that is to say, uh To use the common tongue, a a hero with a pork loin? So the apocalypse is happening or whatever, and this little piggy comes all this way, but you won't accept my help because I'm a woman? Quite right.
Well, I have a long journey ahead of me.
This has been a dreadful setback, but I'm sure that a hero will rise and he will save us.
Madam, I have heard from many trusted sources that hysteria such as yours can be cured, temporarily, through pelvic massage.
I must go.
Look familiar? This building, our target? It's missing.
Maybe it's some kind of optical displacement spell? Like the building's hidden? Come on.
Hey, man, can you tell me, did there used to be a building here? - I don't think so.
- Are you sure? I mean, I've only worked in this park for, like, eight years, but yeah, maybe I'm wrong about it.
Well, guy says there was never a building here, so looks like Gavin ripped us off.
He didn't rip us off.
There was a building.
I can still see the residue from the wards.
So what happened to it? I think someone stole it.
Then mind-wiped everyone in the area.
Do you know what kind of skills it would take to steal a building with Level 5 wards? That's, like, Gandalf-level skills.
That's like wait.
Gandalf was a wizard, right? Pete, just shit.
I think we might have some competition.
So the apocalypse is coming, but don't worry your pretty little head about it? What are we gonna do? It's not like he's the first guy to tell me I'm not good enough.
Right, and how screwed is the universe that it doesn't even realize Quentin's dead - and plan around it? - Truth? I don't think the universe is really looking out for anyone.
Try saying that to your students.
I think I've already told them all the depressing things.
Can't believe I have to go back.
What the fuck am I gonna say to them? Well what would you say if you could say anything you wanted? 'Cause you can.
Well, what would you say to the pig? I'd say Hey, Porky.
If I wait for you to tell me to be the hero, then I'm just buying into your bullshit.
In real life you don't get chosen.
You choose your quest.
And I'm choosing mine.
You know, I got magic back because Quentin died.
And I think I know what I'm gonna do with it.
I'm gonna figure out what's causing the apocalypse and I'm gonna stop it.
When I got to Brakebills, I thought I'd die before I turned 30.
That's all anyone ever told me: Travelers die.
And bad shit has happened to me, but not to you, not yet, anyway.
You still get a choice about your path.
And since I already talked about the bad side, I should probably show you the good side too.
Anyone who wants to see that, come here.
Cool, you brought us to rocks.
Look up.
A few years ago, I was running from some bad shit and I found this place.
It's not on any map.
You guys can breathe.
- There's no one here, just us.
- Oh, my God.
When you master your powers, you can wake up anywhere, in any world.
If you want to still do this, I'll help you.
Just think about it.
For now, I am gonna shut up and let you enjoy this place.
Professor Adiyodi? Merritt, right? Yeah I had a question.
You said you heard voices from other worlds.
Are you hearing something? It's not a voice; it's more like, um A signal? Okay, um uh, sit down.
I'm gonna take down my wards so you can show me.
You just, uh close your eyes, - okay? All right.
- Okay.
Professor? Professor! - What happened? - I don't I don't I couldn't control myself.
Did the signal make you do that? Hello? Anybody there? Just great.
What are you gonna do now, Margo? It's gonna be okay.
It's gonna be okay.
Who am I kidding? They're gonna chop my goddamn head off.
Josh? Josh! Josh! Of course, I got trapped in here with a ghost loop version of him.
Margo, wherever you are, I hope you're okay.
I wish you were here.
I wish I wasn't gonna die alone.
Why are you smoking? I don't know.
Quentin did sometimes.
Can I have one? You know, you're the only person in the world who can smoke judgmentally.
I know what you're going through.
When your father died, I was a wreck.
I didn't know what to do.
I wasn't ready to be alone.
I didn't even know how to be alone.
I did some pretty insane things just to get by.
Insane even for me, but I'll spare you the details.
Doesn't sound like you.
Well, I could tell you if you prefer.
What's your point, Mom? That everything's just gonna get better, eventually? No one gets to tell you how to grieve, Alice.
You're on this journey by yourself.
Only you know where it's gonna take you.
If you need to do something crazy to get through it Do something crazy, okay?