The Marriage Ref (2010) s01e04 Episode Script
Cedric The Entertainer, Martha Stewart, Jason Alexander
[cheers and applause.]
Tonight on the marriage ref One of the kings of comedy, cedric the entertainer! I don't know why you screaming for him--he married, okay? Martha stewart! She should think of maybe Putting a, you know, pole in the bedroom.
And jason alexander! Ugh.
[laughing.]
They've never been together before, And they'll never be together again.
Oh, yes! All kinds of animal harnesses and things.
Martha stewart! That's gonna make tiger woods look like a beginner.
This isn't normal.
These guys--really, they are the costanzas.
Do you have problems with light-fingered dinner guests? - Somebody took a pepper mill.
- Did they bring it back? I called them.
Martha's stewart's a bad-ass, though, you know.
I'm changing my vote! Now here's the marriage ref, tom papa.
[cheers and applause.]
Hi, welcome to the marriage ref.
I'm tom papa.
Tonight we're gonna watch real couples In the middle of real-life arguments.
And we're gonna give them the two things they really want-- A winner and a loser.
[laughing.]
So the way this works is we watch each couple, I discuss the issue with the panel, They try and sway me in favor of the husband or the wife, And then I make the call.
You ready to go? [cheers and applause.]
All right, for our first stop, let's hitch a ride To charming, chummy central indiana Where we meet the mulvihills.
They are planning a move.
Hopefully it's together.
It was love at first sight.
Wasn't it? - Yeah, oh, absolutely.
We'd only dated a few times.
But I knew.
I knew, I knew.
Mimi wants to move in los angeles Because she's star-struck.
I wanna move to howe, indiana.
And that is amish country.
[cows mooing.]
I'd like to get a buggy.
One of those black amish buggies.
- I'd like to get a sports car.
- Yeah, well.
Do I wanna spend the 30 years I have left Not doing anything? I need lots of excitement.
Can't you see how peaceful and calm the amish people are? - And boring.
- They're not boring.
I have no winter clothes.
Do you know-- Well, you go to that shipshewana flea market That isn't stylish.
I need a couple of cute pair of boots if I'm in indiana.
Well, you wouldn't have to worry about being stylish.
You think just because I would be in indiana That I wouldn't worry about being stylish? [laughter.]
All the creative people are in l.
A.
Remember that little, tiny Market in malibu? - Mm-hmm.
- With james brolin! Mm-hmm.
- That really- -I had to just stand back.
This happens all the time.
I crashed into hugh downs by accident in the book store.
You can do anything any day in l.
A.
Go anywhere-- - the traffic is unbelievable! The pollution-- You don't notice the pollution.
- Yeah.
- You wear sunglasses.
You don't even know it's polluted.
[laughing.]
People are friendly Sometimes.
I find people are very friendly.
Especially if you can speak a few words of spanish.
[laughter.]
What are you looking forward to in howe? - A lot of things! - Like what? Reading, sitting by the fire, going to-- What about at--we had fun at all those barn sales.
There is no traffic problem.
In fact, traffic usually has to slow down Because of the buggies.
You've got terrible icy weather.
- Oh, get over it! - Blizzards! - Get over the weather thing.
- I can't.
I'll be sick.
You know I'm delicate.
But do you know how much I love being out in california? Oh, god, of course I do, I've heard it for months now.
Months now, months now Let's just really think about it And then do it my way.
[laughter and applause.]
So the issue here is what do you do When you've married outside your geographical comfort zone? Panel? - Oh, boy.
- Um Well, I think that this is a real problem.
- Really? - He--he really-- He really is not interested In--in much outside of-- Outside of his little comfort zone.
And she is a much more adventurous soul.
What'd you think of that sweater, martha? OhIt's, uh, great.
Yeah.
[laughter.]
I bet she crafted that.
- Yeah, she crafted that.
- I think she did.
I could show her how to make those flowers even prettier.
[laughter.]
But - Martha, I think I could show her how to make those flowers prettier.
[laughter.]
I think he's brilliant.
I think he's smart.
Because he--as soon as she gets to california, She's gonna leave him for, like, abe vigoda Or somebody - [laughing.]
I believe in you! He wouldn't have any fun.
She's gonna be out there- a little hottie in l.
A.
He had a moment that is so funny.
And it-- - right.
It passes like this.
He's standing at the counter.
- Right.
- And she goes, "I don't wanna spend the 30 years I have left--" She announces that she might have 30 years left.
And did you see him? He goes [soft groan.]
[laughter and applause.]
That's true.
He can't-- He cannot fathom another 30 years.
[laughing.]
- that's true.
He just--he's just wants to get In the buggy and ride off-- He--he's also got another great moment Right in the beginning.
- Right.
These guys--really, they are the costanzas.
[laughter.]
She says--she says, you know, we met whenever we met, And it was love at first sight, right? And he goes Uh, yeah! - [laughing.]
I mean, you know, this guy, he is so, uh He's so completely bamboozled by her.
Martha, you ever been to a barn sale? - Oh, yes! - That sounds kind of crafty.
Oh, no, not crafty, it's so interesting.
I mean, all those old tools that you can find.
And you know, all kinds of animal harnesses and things.
Mm, it's great.
[laughter and applause.]
Martha stewart! I never heard "animal harness" sound so sexy before.
All right, let's get to the bottom of it.
Who do you think I should go for? Cedric, husband or the wife? I'm gonna--I'm still rollin' with the husband on this.
I think he's smart.
Don't take her to l.
A.
[laughter.]
It will not work if they move to l.
A.
They should stay where they are.
And he should get his horse and buggy, And she should take long vacations.
'cause she'll find out it's not so great in l.
A.
All right.
[laughing.]
Jason? I--I have a different point of view.
And I look at it as if these two are gonna stay together Right.
And one of them isn't gonna get what they want Who is more likely to make life misery for the other one? Ah-ha! If they stay in l.
A.
, He'll be like, "uh, I lost and I have to be in l.
A.
" And he's gonna mope.
He's definitely gonna mope.
Right.
She--if she doesn't get to l.
A.
, Will make his life a living hell.
[laughter and applause.]
- right.
Right.
Get her to l.
A.
And shut her the hell up already.
All right.
All right, great.
So we've got one to l.
A.
, two to amish country.
Thank you very much.
I think I'm ready to make the call.
[bell dinging.]
Let's go to ceral indiana And bring up the actual mulvihills In their temporary home.
[cheers and applause.]
[laughing.]
Hey, guys.
Great to see you.
- Good to see you, tom.
- Thank you.
[laughing.]
I love your sweaters! - Yeah.
- Thanks.
I'm putting it on ebay when this is over.
Yeah! [laughter.]
You would so well in l.
A.
I hope so.
Here's my call I am kind of leaning towards what jason said.
Paick When I look at you, I see a guy whose face is gonna be pretty much the same No mattewhere it is.
[laughing.]
- And I think- - I think mimi has a point.
I mean, look, amish country- it's not a place to live.
You check it out, you buy some pretzels, And you go home.
There's no point in living near the amish.
I'm pretty sure the amish attitude is Either "I'm in" or "I'm out.
" There's no "I'm ish.
" [laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]
So, patrick, Pack up the truck and move to beverly Hills, that is.
Swimming pools, movie stars - Ugh! No amish.
- Oh, traffic! - Mimi, you win! Oh, thank you! Thank you! We're going home.
[laughing.]
We're going home! They love each other.
That's great.
- Thank you.
Jason, I think you nailed it on the head.
- I think we nailed it.
- Look how happy she is.
- I know, and look, he's not-- - I am.
Patrick, you're not miserable.
You seem fine.
Yes, I am.
I'm actually fine.
- That-a-boy! [laughing.]
Wait--now clearly you have Such divergent taste in lifestyle.
Yeah.
Right.
In the years you've been together, When did this conflict rear its ugly head? It happened when we had to make The big decision of retirement.
Aha.
So, mimi, have you just-- And I need to be - Yeah, you need--you need-- - we know.
We know.
I need to be In civilization.
[laughing.]
This is civilization.
Not my kind.
[laughter and applause.]
Say good-bye to the mulvihills, everybody.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, everybody.
Thank you, thank you.
[applause.]
Coming up This sizzling soap opera.
Martha stewart's a bad-ass, though.
[laughing.]
I'm changing my vote! All right.
Let's join the exciting hustle bustle Of the new york commute, And out to neatly manicured fair lawn, new jersey, Where we meet the cohens.
Three years ago, a friend of mine said "pam, have I got a guy for you.
" First date was at a nagogue on a Friday night.
And I just knew.
Wow, I really love him.
And-- - the rest is history.
[giggles.]
- Pull out that drawer - Okay.
And you tell me how much of a supply of soap you have.
This isn't normal.
One, two, three,our We should be good for a good five to six years.
Okay, you're just lucky you haven't gotten caught.
I don't really care.
I know I'm doing the right thing saving.
Cotton buds-- oh, I love this.
Everybody needs this stuff.
We need to have as many as we can.
I did not marry you for better or for worse, For shampoo and conditioner! - Ah.
- I get a rush every time I score the shampoos, the conditioners.
It's a feeling you can't explain.
I keep my sewing kits, Razors, dental kits, Shoe polish, uh, sponge.
I paid for this hotel room.
I wanna take stuff, and I wanna put it in the suitcase, Because I know they're gonna replenish every day.
They're begging you to take the stuff.
We never need all this stuff.
Yes, we do! We need it.
Our kids will need it, our family will need it, Yes, I have to think for the future for all of us.
If I don't do- - 20 years from now, When I'm thinking about- -what did you do on your honeymoon? Oh, we took the soap from the bathroom! Well, let's see what else we got here.
Hold on to everything.
Every trip, we're just fighting Over what to put in the suitcase And how to organize them.
And then we get to the airport.
- Yeah - The bag's gonna be too heavy.
So then we gotta open up the suitcases, And I gotta stand there to try and-- So other people don't see You have a suitcase full of toilet paper.
- Honey! - I give up.
Ridiculous! Everything in this world is expensive.
I know that one day you'll realize, If anything ever happens in this world That we live in today, And you need to go shopping, You think you're not gonna go shopping? Look at this, you don't need to go shopping anymore.
Soap is good to have, always.
[sighs.]
[applause.]
So here's the issue.
Does the commandment "thou shalt not steal" Apply to hotel soap? Martha, have you ever taken anything from a hotel room? Well, I take the shower caps.
- The shower caps.
- Yep.
When you take the shower caps, what do you make them into? [laughter.]
Shower caps.
[laughing.]
What do you take? What do you take from a hotel? Yeah, what do you take from a hotel? I could really get in trouble.
I like the robes.
[laughing.]
So you only--you don't take soaps, you take robes.
Yeah, I go hard.
Like, robes, the comforter, duvets, I like that.
[laughing.]
Uh, yeah.
Yeah.
- Jason, what do you think? - Yeah, what do you take? Oh, this is my mother's definition of Not good for the jews.
[laughter.]
[applause.]
Um Some of me goes, he's right but he's sweating like a criminal.
So I don't-- [laughing.]
Here's the thing.
If he's opened the shampoo bottle, And he's got three-quarters of a bottle left, He's absolutely right- -they're gonna throw the rest of it out.
Right? - Right.
So take it.
If he's cleaning out items that are untouched And could be there for the next person-- All right, let's even say that he's got the right to do that.
Uh-huh.
Do I need a millennium's worth of supplies? He's gonna shampoo his children's head With 20-year-old shampoo.
If you need to get a piece of ikea furniture To store your stolen hotel items [laughter.]
It's out of proportion somehow.
He must be doing something else, Not just taking it from the room.
I bet he-- - right.
If he's this compulsive, He must also be taking it from the cart in the hallway.
- Ah! - Now that's what I think.
- Ah! - That's very good.
You've cracked it wide open, stewart.
[laughter.]
Why is he in hotels so much? - Well, let's ask natalie.
- Yeah.
Whenever I need a fact, I go to our very own just the facts ma'am.
Please welcome, from nbc news, the lovely natalie morales.
[mouths.]
thanks.
[cheers and applause.]
He's a professional a cappella singer, And he also works for enterprise rent-a-car, so Wait, wait, wait Both: He a professional a cappella singer.
There's no such thing.
[laughing.]
Well, natalie, do hotels even consider this stealing? What's the hot's point of view? Well, actually it's quite the opposite.
Most hotel marketing people say every time you use an item That bears the hotel's name, They'll hope you remember what a wonderful time you had there And then plan another visit.
Wow.
You travel a lot? - Yeah, I travel.
- One of the kings of comedy.
Yeah.
[cheers and applause.]
- Yeah.
- Get it out.
Don't you feel that these hotels Are sticking it to you a little bit? - Yes.
- Right? Take all of it, my man.
Do it, sam.
It's all the nickel and dime stuff.
Yeah, and the $30 snickers, you know what I mean? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
You know what I hate, that little green planet card That they leave in the bathroom.
- Oh, yeah.
- Right? They're like, oh, if you hang up your towel-- Save the earth from extinction.
Leave it on the floor- kill a panda.
[laughter.]
Guilt.
I would like to change this man's life.
I would like to make him the holiday inn robin hood.
I'd like to see him go out On the streets of fair lawn, new jersey, Give it to the homeless shelters, Give it to the duh- - spread it out.
That's good.
You're right.
Martha, I have to imagine your house Having the nicest things in the world.
I just picture it made of gingerbread and gum drops.
Oh, it is.
Having such nice things, Do you have problems with light-fingered dinner guests? - Once - Uh-huh.
Somebody took a pepper mill.
Took a pepper mill? You caught that? Yeah, I did.
[laughing.]
Did you know who took the pepper mill? - Yep.
- Really? - I called them.
- You called them? Did they bring it back? Well, did-- - Yep.
- They brought it back! Wow.
They drove to the house with the pepper mill? And came up to the door? "I'm sorry.
" Martha stewart's a bad-ass, though, you-- [laughter and applause.]
"I know you took my pepper mill.
" "I just bought that, this is martha.
" - You know you gotta-- - you know what's up.
You know what's up.
Make me have to come get it.
Make me have to come get it.
[laughing.]
[applause.]
I get that.
Yeah, I'm not clear at all on this, though.
I'm just not clear.
I don't know what he's taking that's--that's-- It can't be stealing.
Who's--who's your call? Let's go right to it.
Who do you think's right? The husband? - Yeah, I think if he's- - if it's from his room, And it's not from the hallway from the cart, And he's not going into other rooms [laughing.]
Then I think it's okay.
- All right.
- He's just peculiar.
[laughing.]
he is peculiar.
Jason, what do you think? Husband or the wife.
I can't believe I'm going with this schmo, but I - [laughing.]
- it's not a crime.
It's a bit of an obsession.
Right.
I will go with him, tom, But only if he comes around to my way of thinking And share--I wanna turn him into robin hood.
- Robin hood.
- That's the only way.
- He's gotta share it.
- That's the only way.
[cheers and applause.]
Okay.
I like that.
- I don't like the- - I don't mind the stealing.
I don't like the stockpiling.
Okay.
Cedric? I think he needs dr.
Drew.
I think this guy [laughing.]
Is, like, hooked on stealing soaps And he needs help.
It's like, come on.
Like, stop with the soap, man.
Man, you know, go to 12 step.
I'm going with the wife.
Going with the wife.
All right, very interesting.
One wife, two husband.
All righ I think I'm ready to make the call.
[bell dings.]
Let's go to fair lawn, new jersey, And bring up the actual cohens And their real-life soap warehouse.
[cheers and applause.]
hey.
Oh, no! [laughing.]
Baskets.
Hey, guys, thanks for being on our show.
- Hey.
- Thank you.
Thanks for having us.
All right, here's my call.
It was a little bit of a split decision here.
There are some people that think You're going a little too far.
Some people that are thinking that Maybe you're not going far enough.
That--I like what jason said.
His feeling is that the stockpiling is a bit too much.
And maybe you should be spreading it out Like robin hood-- helping out.
No way.
I'm changing my vote! [laughing.]
Pam, you gotta know what you're married to.
You've married a giant nervous squirrel.
[laughter.]
- [giggles.]
Look Squirrels live in panic.
They run around looking for nuts, Hide them in holes, They're calm for three seconds and then More nuts! He's a squirrel.
He looks like a squirrel.
You live with a squirrel.
It's okay.
People like squirrels.
For that reason, sam, You win.
- Yes, yes! - Boo.
I told you! I told you! These are all mine! All mine! Mine, mine! - But sam But sam-- - you don't understand.
Sam? I think--sincerely, I think jason has a really good point.
- Sam, sam, listen to me.
- Yeah? Yes, sir? - Go with me on this.
We're in synagogue The rabbi says there's a building fund.
We're looking for donations.
We need soap and shampoo.
[giggles.]
- Sam raises his hand and- - you're gonna be the big shot.
You're gonna stand up and go, "son of a gun! I've got soap and shampoo!" Get them to the homeless shelters, give them to the kids, Give--spread them out, whatever you need to do.
Share the wealth, sam.
Share the wealth.
All right! All right! All right! I will do that for you.
- All right.
- I'll do it.
I'll do it.
- Great.
Everybody, a big nice good-bye to the cohens.
[cheers and applause.]
Coming up, this in-law sucker punch.
Why don't you just take your mother to badminton? She needs to lose some weight.
"your mother needs to lose some weight, fat ass.
" Why you bring my mother into this? Let's mosey on in to bucolic marlborough, massachusetts.
Where we meet naveen thorati and shan wong.
It seems naveen has quite a little racket going.
[mutters.]
First thing I told her, like, I'm going to marry you one day.
She said I'm crazy.
I know, like, he's the one for me, Because he's a nice and a sweet guy.
And he takes care of me really well.
I will love you for the rest of my life.
Thank you.
Winner! Badminton is the greatest non-contact sport on earth.
I think naveen's obsessed with badminton.
Naveen gives more time to his badminton Than to me.
Hon, are you going to badminton later today? - Yeah.
- You went there yesterday.
Now you're going again today? Yesterday was playing time, honey.
Today is practice time, okay? Why would I care if you wanna be good or not? I want to be good, honey.
- Why? - Because I want to be the best.
- So you will sacrifice your-- - no, no! - Family time to go play-- - what family? Playing with the dogs in the park? You would do anything for a badminton tournament, But you won't do anything for me and the dogs.
Why won't you just come with me to badminton? What makes you think I want to play badminton? Chinese people love badminton.
Why don't you just take your mother to badminton? She needs to lose some weight.
Shan, why do you bring my mother into this? My mom doesn't want to play badminton with me.
Why do you keep arguing like this? I'm not arguing with you, You need to get your priorities straight.
Everyday when I come home, this is what it is.
Constantly.
And, like, in front of the dogs you yell at me every day.
- I do not-- - look at her, look at her! She's so scared of you.
Look at her.
- [growling.]
- shh, shh, shh.
Why don't you just deal with it? What, I'll deal with your shouting every day? No, you don't want to put your time into the relationship.
What relationship? You don't even feed my fish.
Why do I need to go to badminton? Because I can't take any of ts torture anymore.
- Torture? - Yeah, constant torture.
Chinese torture machine.
[applause.]
- [laughing.]
So the issue here is Does a spouse have a say in how much time You invest in an outside interest? Panel? Oh, that was classic right there.
I thought thatI love that he brought up her culture.
And you know, I mean, that [laughing.]
Chinese people love badminton.
What are you talking about? He didn't bring it up.
He threw it in her face.
[laughing.]
I really think that the guy should be able To pursue a hobby like that.
Uh-huh.
But make a--sort of make a little bit of a concession In how many hours he'll be gone.
- Right.
- And she should then Use those hours for something more productive.
Like, you know, baking, cooking, sewing.
[laughter and applause.]
What I love is she goes, "you don't have time for anything else, you don't--" Meantime--well, here's what I see.
He's walking and feeding the dogs, he's cooking What is--what is her function in the relationship? Other than-- - what was he cooking? I mean it was like- they seemed to get along.
It was like a mixture of tofu and bacon bits Or something like that Well, it looked like a curry.
That looked like an indian curry.
I don't know what that was.
It was like-- What worries me is The, sort of, mother-in-law in the background.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
But if I may--if I may-- - lurking.
Lurking.
Can we see that again? Why don't you just take your mother to badminton? She needs to lose some weight.
Shan, why do you bring my mother into this? My mom doesn't want to play badminton with me.
You keep-- [laughter and applause.]
She's just wandering down the hallway.
Couldn't possibly have seen this coming.
- Yeah, I also--I also- - not that this woman is heavy By any stretch of the imagination.
But she's-- she's also not twiggy Throwing the mother under the bus, you know.
"your mother needs to lose some weight, fat ass.
" You know? I think that this woman Should really take advantage of the situation, And let him go.
- Just let him go.
- Mm.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Definitely.
- Well, let's ask natalie.
Natalie, how many hours a week does he spd playing badminton? He spends about 2 1/2 hours three times a week.
So roughly, eight hours a week.
So panel, eight hours a week With a spouse you're spending the rest of your life with.
Is that too much to ask? - Well, let me ask the- - I'm not a golfer, But isn't the average I'm-going-out-to-play-golf Like a six-hour, eight-hour thing - Yeah.
- So what's the difference? If he was playing golf it would all be the same thing.
Except it wouldn't be as gay, but other than that.
[laughter.]
Okay, we're gonna take a quick break.
When we come back, I'm gonna make the call.
[cheers and applause.]
Coming up, another great tip from martha.
He's smiley, and healthy, and hearty.
And she should think of maybe putting a, You know, a pole in the bedroom.
[laughter.]
All right, naveen thorati and shan wong.
I love to mimic exactly like the other badminton players.
Do you play badminton? I do with the kids.
- You do? - I play it.
I don't spend eight hours doing it though.
I have a whole article coming out in my magazine About the rules of badminton.
- You do? - I do.
- And you play it? - Oh, yes, I love it.
- Really? - Yes.
All non-jews play badminton.
[laughter.]
That's just a rule.
[laughing.]
And it is very good exercise.
Look, he's in very good shape.
He-- - he is.
He's smiley, and healthy, and hearty.
And you know, I think she's making a big mistake.
How long have they been married? Yeah, they've been married for two years.
- Two years.
- Oh, so it's-- So at five years, she's gonna recommend he plays At least ten hours a week.
Go! Go, go! You set up the net, you do the whole thing, like, with the-- In the backyard kind of thing? Yeah, yeah.
- Is that what you're saying? - Yeah.
Put it in the yard, and you gotta, you know, nail it down.
And you get out there, and you wear the really short shorts.
That's the only way you can get a-- Ly timyocan get away with those shorts.
- [laughing.]
- especially as a brother.
You can't really wear them.
You know, somebody come over, I'll be like, "man, I'm playing badminton with my kids, you know.
Don't judge me, don't judge me.
" [laughing.]
I like how she busts him for not Spending enough time with the family-- Which as far as I can see, consists of Her, a sweatshirt, and a pack of rescue dogs.
And the mother.
And the mother.
Don't forget the mother.
And her goldfish.
You got--she-- She hit him with it.
"you don't feed my goldfish.
" And by the way, look in that tank, There's one fish in that giant Put that up.
You'll see, it's one fish.
In sea world, it's one fish.
Look at the skillet, there's the oven Let me point this out.
Did you catch his doubles partner? [laughing.]
You think you're gonna get to the nationals With malcolm in the middle here? By the way, martha, don't you think that The color scheme is fantastic in that? In that gym? - Teal and puke brown.
- Yeah.
[laughing.]
- It's a sad place to play.
- Yeah.
[laughing.]
it's just sad.
Who do you think I should go for? Husband or the wife? Jason? You know, tom, being an elite athlete myself, I, uh I don't have it in me to cut down A young budding professional like that.
Take away the dream, it would be like, you know, Telling rocky not to go for it.
This guy - [laughing.]
I believe he can take badminton To a whole new level.
[laughing.]
To a place where someone gives a damn about it.
[applause.]
I'm going with naveen.
Okay, for the husband.
Martha? I'm definitely in for the husband.
- Definitely.
- Yes.
I think she should allow him To have his enjoyment.
- Right.
And she should think of maybe putting a, you know, Pole in the bedroom.
[laughing.]
[applause.]
Do you mean a metal pole, or a guy from poland? I'm not sure what [laughing.]
- Either.
- Either way? Either way.
[laughing.]
It'll be someone for the mother-in-law to play with.
She would be in the back like this then.
- Cedric? - I'm gonna-- I'm gonna go with the husband on this one.
I think that, you know, this guy's proven-- He's got trophies and ribbons.
He is a--he deserves to play badminton, man.
All right, that's all for the husband.
All right, I'm ready to make the call.
[bell dings.]
Let's go to marlborough, massachusetts And bring up the real thorati-wongs In their real-life home.
[cheers and applause.]
Wow.
Hi, guys.
You look great.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
We love you guys around here.
Thanks for being on our show.
- It's our pleasure.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Is mom around? No, she's in india.
[laughter.]
All right, guys, I listened to our panel.
They made some really good points.
And I think, martha- -I think what you said I really liked.
So here's my call, shan.
I know you think he spends too much time on this sport.
But personally I'm impressed that, at that gym, He's got eight people watching him Swap miniature laundry baskets with an 11-year-old boy.
Both: [laughing.]
That's not nothing.
Veen, grab your shorts And a juice box for your partner.
It's playing time, honey.
Whoo! [cheers and applause.]
- thank you.
She's not happy.
Thank you.
All right, well, great talking to you guys.
We really love you both.
Thank you so much.
The call's been made.
Say good-bye to the thorati-wongs, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]
Coming up, jason calls it like it is.
This guy has "playa" written all over him.
I think that you just concerned About women or something.
That's gonna make tiger woods look like a beginner.
Let's sneak up on the hawkinses In that fresh, healthy salt air of chesapeake, virginia.
He came into my life as my protector.
And I loved that about him.
I fell in love with you, and your eyes, And your nurturing spirit.
It was your eyes.
You were just- -you were beautiful to me too.
Aw! It makes me crazy because I'm like, "just give up now.
" when you got a banking account make sure she ain't around 'cause you might find yourself living at the hotel I'm telling you, if I go on the road, It creates more opportunities for exposure.
Can you include me in it? - Can I include you in it? - Yeah.
- You mean can you go? - Yes.
Okay, now--now that doesn't make sense.
Because I would love to have you.
But who wants their husband by their self on a tour? For six months? Well, hell, who wants their husband out in iraq? But, no, wait a minute.
I think that you just concerned About women or something.
All of the bad stigmas that the music business has.
Hell, I've outgrown that.
You're happy with me cutting grass.
No, I'm not.
You're happy with me being the lawn care-- What am I gonna be, the singing lawn care man? me and my lady we had a fight the other day You keep doing you, and I'm gonna keep doing me.
Well, see, that's the problem.
I don't want you to do you and you to do me.
I want us to be like bonnie and clyde.
I don't wanna be like bonnie and clyde.
And let's get it, you and I.
I want us to be one.
[cheers and applause.]
So the issue here is Should she support his dream and let him go Or should he stay home for her sense of security? What do you think, panel? [laughing.]
I love how he wasn't selfish.
But kelvin hawkins, he don't do that.
You know, the whole time he was speaking in third-person.
You don't feel? I mean, I'm for the family and everything, But it's kelvin hawkins, you know.
[laughing.]
This is what kelvin hawkins is about.
[applause.]
He has a dream.
Is this a dream, or has he been offered a gig? Well, he had an offer a couple of months ago To go on tour for six months with a rap artist named klutch.
I mean, to me, this guy has "playa" written all over him.
UhThe minute a guy brings up, "are you worried about women?" Well, that'sYeah, you know.
Yeah, that's-- So I'm a little concerned That she has a legitimate gripe.
Because life on the road for six months-- And this guy's been thinking about it for 24 years-- That's gonna make tiger woods look like a beginner.
[laughing.]
However [clears throat.]
I think it's very dangerous for a spouse to-- To denigrate or deny someone they love their dream.
You get one shot in life.
- Yeah.
And if she's the reason he doesn't get his shot, He'll never forgive her.
She'll be the reason the whole time.
- Yeah.
- Well, I think-- I think she should go on the road And surprise him every now and then.
Ah-ha.
Just pop up.
- Yeah.
- Oh, hey.
Get the schedule and just show up every now and then.
Do you think it's a little bit of a concern? The other woman thing? I mean, he's a grown man going on a tour with a rapper.
Yes, of course, he's not gonna-- [laughing.]
Who wants to hang with a rapper? I mean [cheers and applause.]
Whoo! Martha--martha, that's rapper without the "w".
[laughter.]
I know.
I love rappers.
[chuckling.]
But cedric, is it still the road If your spouse goes with you? Yeah, it's not really-- You can't be a sexy soul singer up there, you know, When your wife just sitting over there like this the whole time.
[laughing.]
- It takes some of the-- - I don't know why You screaming for him- he married, okay? [laughing.]
Do not scream for him, he married.
Okay? - Well, look, you- -three very successful people.
Doesn't it take a little selfishness To get to where you guys have gotten? I made the decision with my wife That while my kids were small, and around, and needed parents, That I would walk away from-- right.
Now of course I was fortunate enough to be able to do that.
- Right.
- Thanks to mr.
Seinfeld.
Let's pretend the show never happened for you.
I would have left them in a heartbeat.
[laughter.]
All right, when we come back, I'm gonna mow down this problem.
And we'll meet the real hawkinses.
[cheers and applause.]
Stay tuned--we are headed for sudden death.
This guy's bad.
Panelists, what do we do here? All right, the hawkinses-- He wants to sing, she wants him to keep it in the shower.
- She giving me this- - this it's me or the music.
I'm saying either me or the tour.
We're getting older.
I understand-- We not 20 no more.
Getting older, but we ain't old.
- No.
- We living.
It's time to live.
Panelists, what do we do here? Jason? I think kathy's gotta have a little faith in her man.
Uh-huh? You don't get between a man and his dream.
If opportunity and dream present themselves, You must give him a shot.
All right, so for the husband.
Martha? I am definitely for the husband.
- Okay.
- I think-- He has to have a real gig to go.
Right.
No fake gig, and the paychecks have to go home.
And the paychecks go right home.
- Right.
- I like that attitude.
Cedric? - I think--I think, you know- - I think she should let him go.
I was wondering, though, if you tour, Like, six months in a row-- Uh-huh, that's a long time.
With a rapper that doesn't have a deal.
It's a little suspect, though.
- It's, uh-- - yeah.
I'm a bit concerned.
All right.
Okay, thanks.
I'm ready to make the call.
[bell dings.]
Let's go to chesapeake bay and bring up the actual hawkinses In their actual home.
[cheers and applause.]
Hey there, hawkinses, great to see you.
- Hi, how are you? - Great to see you too, hello.
[laughing.]
Hello, world.
[laughter.]
Well, thank you guys for being on our show.
We really appreciate it.
- You're welcome.
- We discussed it.
There seems to be a common theme here.
You don't want to stand in the way of someone with a dream.
Am I all for you going out on the road, Backing up and singing? Yes, I am.
But guess what? Kathy's gotta go with you.
[audience oohs.]
- yeah.
- That's not happening.
- Bonnie and-- Absolutely not.
[laughing.]
Bonnie and clyde went on the road together.
You gotta do it the same way.
Hopefully with a little less violent ending.
living at the hotel [machine gunfire noise.]
[laughing.]
So, kelvin, congratulations.
You kind of win.
Ooh! Oh, baby! I won! I'm king! I'm king! I'm king, baby! Forget about being a back-up singer.
This is the act you should be taking on the road with you.
But you gotta let your lady check in on you.
I don't care, I don't wanna hear the road Is someplace to go crazy.
She's gotta come.
If not all the time, she's got-- Like martha said, she's gotta check in.
Maybe when you're not expecting her.
Mm-hmm.
[claps.]
I agree.
- Hmm.
[laughing.]
Are you cool with that, kelvin? - Unexpected visits? - Yeah.
Don't know about unexpected visits from my wife.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm an innocent guy, man.
But look, nobody wants their wife popping up on them.
[laughing.]
- This guy's bad.
- Not gonna be doing anything.
I just don't want my wife just popping up, You know, from out of nowhere, Coming from behind walls and doors.
[laughg.]
Come on, man.
I love you.
I love you, I promise I do.
All right, I see good things in youfuture.
The call has been made.
I think it's gonna work out great.
Best of luck to both of you.
Say good-bye to the hawkinses, everybody.
- Thank you, bye-bye.
- God bless you.
Good-bye, america! - Thank you.
I love you! [cheers and applause.]
- all right.
And for being such great sports, all our couples tonight Will receive a romantic second honeymoon Furnished by royal caribbean international.
[cheers and applause.]
So we'd like to thank our panel of experts-- Cedric the entertainer, Martha stewart, And jason alexander.
And especially to all our couples tonight, Thank you for letting us into your marriages.
It's worth fighting for.
Now kiss and make up.
Good night, everybody.
Tonight on the marriage ref One of the kings of comedy, cedric the entertainer! I don't know why you screaming for him--he married, okay? Martha stewart! She should think of maybe Putting a, you know, pole in the bedroom.
And jason alexander! Ugh.
[laughing.]
They've never been together before, And they'll never be together again.
Oh, yes! All kinds of animal harnesses and things.
Martha stewart! That's gonna make tiger woods look like a beginner.
This isn't normal.
These guys--really, they are the costanzas.
Do you have problems with light-fingered dinner guests? - Somebody took a pepper mill.
- Did they bring it back? I called them.
Martha's stewart's a bad-ass, though, you know.
I'm changing my vote! Now here's the marriage ref, tom papa.
[cheers and applause.]
Hi, welcome to the marriage ref.
I'm tom papa.
Tonight we're gonna watch real couples In the middle of real-life arguments.
And we're gonna give them the two things they really want-- A winner and a loser.
[laughing.]
So the way this works is we watch each couple, I discuss the issue with the panel, They try and sway me in favor of the husband or the wife, And then I make the call.
You ready to go? [cheers and applause.]
All right, for our first stop, let's hitch a ride To charming, chummy central indiana Where we meet the mulvihills.
They are planning a move.
Hopefully it's together.
It was love at first sight.
Wasn't it? - Yeah, oh, absolutely.
We'd only dated a few times.
But I knew.
I knew, I knew.
Mimi wants to move in los angeles Because she's star-struck.
I wanna move to howe, indiana.
And that is amish country.
[cows mooing.]
I'd like to get a buggy.
One of those black amish buggies.
- I'd like to get a sports car.
- Yeah, well.
Do I wanna spend the 30 years I have left Not doing anything? I need lots of excitement.
Can't you see how peaceful and calm the amish people are? - And boring.
- They're not boring.
I have no winter clothes.
Do you know-- Well, you go to that shipshewana flea market That isn't stylish.
I need a couple of cute pair of boots if I'm in indiana.
Well, you wouldn't have to worry about being stylish.
You think just because I would be in indiana That I wouldn't worry about being stylish? [laughter.]
All the creative people are in l.
A.
Remember that little, tiny Market in malibu? - Mm-hmm.
- With james brolin! Mm-hmm.
- That really- -I had to just stand back.
This happens all the time.
I crashed into hugh downs by accident in the book store.
You can do anything any day in l.
A.
Go anywhere-- - the traffic is unbelievable! The pollution-- You don't notice the pollution.
- Yeah.
- You wear sunglasses.
You don't even know it's polluted.
[laughing.]
People are friendly Sometimes.
I find people are very friendly.
Especially if you can speak a few words of spanish.
[laughter.]
What are you looking forward to in howe? - A lot of things! - Like what? Reading, sitting by the fire, going to-- What about at--we had fun at all those barn sales.
There is no traffic problem.
In fact, traffic usually has to slow down Because of the buggies.
You've got terrible icy weather.
- Oh, get over it! - Blizzards! - Get over the weather thing.
- I can't.
I'll be sick.
You know I'm delicate.
But do you know how much I love being out in california? Oh, god, of course I do, I've heard it for months now.
Months now, months now Let's just really think about it And then do it my way.
[laughter and applause.]
So the issue here is what do you do When you've married outside your geographical comfort zone? Panel? - Oh, boy.
- Um Well, I think that this is a real problem.
- Really? - He--he really-- He really is not interested In--in much outside of-- Outside of his little comfort zone.
And she is a much more adventurous soul.
What'd you think of that sweater, martha? OhIt's, uh, great.
Yeah.
[laughter.]
I bet she crafted that.
- Yeah, she crafted that.
- I think she did.
I could show her how to make those flowers even prettier.
[laughter.]
But - Martha, I think I could show her how to make those flowers prettier.
[laughter.]
I think he's brilliant.
I think he's smart.
Because he--as soon as she gets to california, She's gonna leave him for, like, abe vigoda Or somebody - [laughing.]
I believe in you! He wouldn't have any fun.
She's gonna be out there- a little hottie in l.
A.
He had a moment that is so funny.
And it-- - right.
It passes like this.
He's standing at the counter.
- Right.
- And she goes, "I don't wanna spend the 30 years I have left--" She announces that she might have 30 years left.
And did you see him? He goes [soft groan.]
[laughter and applause.]
That's true.
He can't-- He cannot fathom another 30 years.
[laughing.]
- that's true.
He just--he's just wants to get In the buggy and ride off-- He--he's also got another great moment Right in the beginning.
- Right.
These guys--really, they are the costanzas.
[laughter.]
She says--she says, you know, we met whenever we met, And it was love at first sight, right? And he goes Uh, yeah! - [laughing.]
I mean, you know, this guy, he is so, uh He's so completely bamboozled by her.
Martha, you ever been to a barn sale? - Oh, yes! - That sounds kind of crafty.
Oh, no, not crafty, it's so interesting.
I mean, all those old tools that you can find.
And you know, all kinds of animal harnesses and things.
Mm, it's great.
[laughter and applause.]
Martha stewart! I never heard "animal harness" sound so sexy before.
All right, let's get to the bottom of it.
Who do you think I should go for? Cedric, husband or the wife? I'm gonna--I'm still rollin' with the husband on this.
I think he's smart.
Don't take her to l.
A.
[laughter.]
It will not work if they move to l.
A.
They should stay where they are.
And he should get his horse and buggy, And she should take long vacations.
'cause she'll find out it's not so great in l.
A.
All right.
[laughing.]
Jason? I--I have a different point of view.
And I look at it as if these two are gonna stay together Right.
And one of them isn't gonna get what they want Who is more likely to make life misery for the other one? Ah-ha! If they stay in l.
A.
, He'll be like, "uh, I lost and I have to be in l.
A.
" And he's gonna mope.
He's definitely gonna mope.
Right.
She--if she doesn't get to l.
A.
, Will make his life a living hell.
[laughter and applause.]
- right.
Right.
Get her to l.
A.
And shut her the hell up already.
All right.
All right, great.
So we've got one to l.
A.
, two to amish country.
Thank you very much.
I think I'm ready to make the call.
[bell dinging.]
Let's go to ceral indiana And bring up the actual mulvihills In their temporary home.
[cheers and applause.]
[laughing.]
Hey, guys.
Great to see you.
- Good to see you, tom.
- Thank you.
[laughing.]
I love your sweaters! - Yeah.
- Thanks.
I'm putting it on ebay when this is over.
Yeah! [laughter.]
You would so well in l.
A.
I hope so.
Here's my call I am kind of leaning towards what jason said.
Paick When I look at you, I see a guy whose face is gonna be pretty much the same No mattewhere it is.
[laughing.]
- And I think- - I think mimi has a point.
I mean, look, amish country- it's not a place to live.
You check it out, you buy some pretzels, And you go home.
There's no point in living near the amish.
I'm pretty sure the amish attitude is Either "I'm in" or "I'm out.
" There's no "I'm ish.
" [laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]
So, patrick, Pack up the truck and move to beverly Hills, that is.
Swimming pools, movie stars - Ugh! No amish.
- Oh, traffic! - Mimi, you win! Oh, thank you! Thank you! We're going home.
[laughing.]
We're going home! They love each other.
That's great.
- Thank you.
Jason, I think you nailed it on the head.
- I think we nailed it.
- Look how happy she is.
- I know, and look, he's not-- - I am.
Patrick, you're not miserable.
You seem fine.
Yes, I am.
I'm actually fine.
- That-a-boy! [laughing.]
Wait--now clearly you have Such divergent taste in lifestyle.
Yeah.
Right.
In the years you've been together, When did this conflict rear its ugly head? It happened when we had to make The big decision of retirement.
Aha.
So, mimi, have you just-- And I need to be - Yeah, you need--you need-- - we know.
We know.
I need to be In civilization.
[laughing.]
This is civilization.
Not my kind.
[laughter and applause.]
Say good-bye to the mulvihills, everybody.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, everybody.
Thank you, thank you.
[applause.]
Coming up This sizzling soap opera.
Martha stewart's a bad-ass, though.
[laughing.]
I'm changing my vote! All right.
Let's join the exciting hustle bustle Of the new york commute, And out to neatly manicured fair lawn, new jersey, Where we meet the cohens.
Three years ago, a friend of mine said "pam, have I got a guy for you.
" First date was at a nagogue on a Friday night.
And I just knew.
Wow, I really love him.
And-- - the rest is history.
[giggles.]
- Pull out that drawer - Okay.
And you tell me how much of a supply of soap you have.
This isn't normal.
One, two, three,our We should be good for a good five to six years.
Okay, you're just lucky you haven't gotten caught.
I don't really care.
I know I'm doing the right thing saving.
Cotton buds-- oh, I love this.
Everybody needs this stuff.
We need to have as many as we can.
I did not marry you for better or for worse, For shampoo and conditioner! - Ah.
- I get a rush every time I score the shampoos, the conditioners.
It's a feeling you can't explain.
I keep my sewing kits, Razors, dental kits, Shoe polish, uh, sponge.
I paid for this hotel room.
I wanna take stuff, and I wanna put it in the suitcase, Because I know they're gonna replenish every day.
They're begging you to take the stuff.
We never need all this stuff.
Yes, we do! We need it.
Our kids will need it, our family will need it, Yes, I have to think for the future for all of us.
If I don't do- - 20 years from now, When I'm thinking about- -what did you do on your honeymoon? Oh, we took the soap from the bathroom! Well, let's see what else we got here.
Hold on to everything.
Every trip, we're just fighting Over what to put in the suitcase And how to organize them.
And then we get to the airport.
- Yeah - The bag's gonna be too heavy.
So then we gotta open up the suitcases, And I gotta stand there to try and-- So other people don't see You have a suitcase full of toilet paper.
- Honey! - I give up.
Ridiculous! Everything in this world is expensive.
I know that one day you'll realize, If anything ever happens in this world That we live in today, And you need to go shopping, You think you're not gonna go shopping? Look at this, you don't need to go shopping anymore.
Soap is good to have, always.
[sighs.]
[applause.]
So here's the issue.
Does the commandment "thou shalt not steal" Apply to hotel soap? Martha, have you ever taken anything from a hotel room? Well, I take the shower caps.
- The shower caps.
- Yep.
When you take the shower caps, what do you make them into? [laughter.]
Shower caps.
[laughing.]
What do you take? What do you take from a hotel? Yeah, what do you take from a hotel? I could really get in trouble.
I like the robes.
[laughing.]
So you only--you don't take soaps, you take robes.
Yeah, I go hard.
Like, robes, the comforter, duvets, I like that.
[laughing.]
Uh, yeah.
Yeah.
- Jason, what do you think? - Yeah, what do you take? Oh, this is my mother's definition of Not good for the jews.
[laughter.]
[applause.]
Um Some of me goes, he's right but he's sweating like a criminal.
So I don't-- [laughing.]
Here's the thing.
If he's opened the shampoo bottle, And he's got three-quarters of a bottle left, He's absolutely right- -they're gonna throw the rest of it out.
Right? - Right.
So take it.
If he's cleaning out items that are untouched And could be there for the next person-- All right, let's even say that he's got the right to do that.
Uh-huh.
Do I need a millennium's worth of supplies? He's gonna shampoo his children's head With 20-year-old shampoo.
If you need to get a piece of ikea furniture To store your stolen hotel items [laughter.]
It's out of proportion somehow.
He must be doing something else, Not just taking it from the room.
I bet he-- - right.
If he's this compulsive, He must also be taking it from the cart in the hallway.
- Ah! - Now that's what I think.
- Ah! - That's very good.
You've cracked it wide open, stewart.
[laughter.]
Why is he in hotels so much? - Well, let's ask natalie.
- Yeah.
Whenever I need a fact, I go to our very own just the facts ma'am.
Please welcome, from nbc news, the lovely natalie morales.
[mouths.]
thanks.
[cheers and applause.]
He's a professional a cappella singer, And he also works for enterprise rent-a-car, so Wait, wait, wait Both: He a professional a cappella singer.
There's no such thing.
[laughing.]
Well, natalie, do hotels even consider this stealing? What's the hot's point of view? Well, actually it's quite the opposite.
Most hotel marketing people say every time you use an item That bears the hotel's name, They'll hope you remember what a wonderful time you had there And then plan another visit.
Wow.
You travel a lot? - Yeah, I travel.
- One of the kings of comedy.
Yeah.
[cheers and applause.]
- Yeah.
- Get it out.
Don't you feel that these hotels Are sticking it to you a little bit? - Yes.
- Right? Take all of it, my man.
Do it, sam.
It's all the nickel and dime stuff.
Yeah, and the $30 snickers, you know what I mean? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
You know what I hate, that little green planet card That they leave in the bathroom.
- Oh, yeah.
- Right? They're like, oh, if you hang up your towel-- Save the earth from extinction.
Leave it on the floor- kill a panda.
[laughter.]
Guilt.
I would like to change this man's life.
I would like to make him the holiday inn robin hood.
I'd like to see him go out On the streets of fair lawn, new jersey, Give it to the homeless shelters, Give it to the duh- - spread it out.
That's good.
You're right.
Martha, I have to imagine your house Having the nicest things in the world.
I just picture it made of gingerbread and gum drops.
Oh, it is.
Having such nice things, Do you have problems with light-fingered dinner guests? - Once - Uh-huh.
Somebody took a pepper mill.
Took a pepper mill? You caught that? Yeah, I did.
[laughing.]
Did you know who took the pepper mill? - Yep.
- Really? - I called them.
- You called them? Did they bring it back? Well, did-- - Yep.
- They brought it back! Wow.
They drove to the house with the pepper mill? And came up to the door? "I'm sorry.
" Martha stewart's a bad-ass, though, you-- [laughter and applause.]
"I know you took my pepper mill.
" "I just bought that, this is martha.
" - You know you gotta-- - you know what's up.
You know what's up.
Make me have to come get it.
Make me have to come get it.
[laughing.]
[applause.]
I get that.
Yeah, I'm not clear at all on this, though.
I'm just not clear.
I don't know what he's taking that's--that's-- It can't be stealing.
Who's--who's your call? Let's go right to it.
Who do you think's right? The husband? - Yeah, I think if he's- - if it's from his room, And it's not from the hallway from the cart, And he's not going into other rooms [laughing.]
Then I think it's okay.
- All right.
- He's just peculiar.
[laughing.]
he is peculiar.
Jason, what do you think? Husband or the wife.
I can't believe I'm going with this schmo, but I - [laughing.]
- it's not a crime.
It's a bit of an obsession.
Right.
I will go with him, tom, But only if he comes around to my way of thinking And share--I wanna turn him into robin hood.
- Robin hood.
- That's the only way.
- He's gotta share it.
- That's the only way.
[cheers and applause.]
Okay.
I like that.
- I don't like the- - I don't mind the stealing.
I don't like the stockpiling.
Okay.
Cedric? I think he needs dr.
Drew.
I think this guy [laughing.]
Is, like, hooked on stealing soaps And he needs help.
It's like, come on.
Like, stop with the soap, man.
Man, you know, go to 12 step.
I'm going with the wife.
Going with the wife.
All right, very interesting.
One wife, two husband.
All righ I think I'm ready to make the call.
[bell dings.]
Let's go to fair lawn, new jersey, And bring up the actual cohens And their real-life soap warehouse.
[cheers and applause.]
hey.
Oh, no! [laughing.]
Baskets.
Hey, guys, thanks for being on our show.
- Hey.
- Thank you.
Thanks for having us.
All right, here's my call.
It was a little bit of a split decision here.
There are some people that think You're going a little too far.
Some people that are thinking that Maybe you're not going far enough.
That--I like what jason said.
His feeling is that the stockpiling is a bit too much.
And maybe you should be spreading it out Like robin hood-- helping out.
No way.
I'm changing my vote! [laughing.]
Pam, you gotta know what you're married to.
You've married a giant nervous squirrel.
[laughter.]
- [giggles.]
Look Squirrels live in panic.
They run around looking for nuts, Hide them in holes, They're calm for three seconds and then More nuts! He's a squirrel.
He looks like a squirrel.
You live with a squirrel.
It's okay.
People like squirrels.
For that reason, sam, You win.
- Yes, yes! - Boo.
I told you! I told you! These are all mine! All mine! Mine, mine! - But sam But sam-- - you don't understand.
Sam? I think--sincerely, I think jason has a really good point.
- Sam, sam, listen to me.
- Yeah? Yes, sir? - Go with me on this.
We're in synagogue The rabbi says there's a building fund.
We're looking for donations.
We need soap and shampoo.
[giggles.]
- Sam raises his hand and- - you're gonna be the big shot.
You're gonna stand up and go, "son of a gun! I've got soap and shampoo!" Get them to the homeless shelters, give them to the kids, Give--spread them out, whatever you need to do.
Share the wealth, sam.
Share the wealth.
All right! All right! All right! I will do that for you.
- All right.
- I'll do it.
I'll do it.
- Great.
Everybody, a big nice good-bye to the cohens.
[cheers and applause.]
Coming up, this in-law sucker punch.
Why don't you just take your mother to badminton? She needs to lose some weight.
"your mother needs to lose some weight, fat ass.
" Why you bring my mother into this? Let's mosey on in to bucolic marlborough, massachusetts.
Where we meet naveen thorati and shan wong.
It seems naveen has quite a little racket going.
[mutters.]
First thing I told her, like, I'm going to marry you one day.
She said I'm crazy.
I know, like, he's the one for me, Because he's a nice and a sweet guy.
And he takes care of me really well.
I will love you for the rest of my life.
Thank you.
Winner! Badminton is the greatest non-contact sport on earth.
I think naveen's obsessed with badminton.
Naveen gives more time to his badminton Than to me.
Hon, are you going to badminton later today? - Yeah.
- You went there yesterday.
Now you're going again today? Yesterday was playing time, honey.
Today is practice time, okay? Why would I care if you wanna be good or not? I want to be good, honey.
- Why? - Because I want to be the best.
- So you will sacrifice your-- - no, no! - Family time to go play-- - what family? Playing with the dogs in the park? You would do anything for a badminton tournament, But you won't do anything for me and the dogs.
Why won't you just come with me to badminton? What makes you think I want to play badminton? Chinese people love badminton.
Why don't you just take your mother to badminton? She needs to lose some weight.
Shan, why do you bring my mother into this? My mom doesn't want to play badminton with me.
Why do you keep arguing like this? I'm not arguing with you, You need to get your priorities straight.
Everyday when I come home, this is what it is.
Constantly.
And, like, in front of the dogs you yell at me every day.
- I do not-- - look at her, look at her! She's so scared of you.
Look at her.
- [growling.]
- shh, shh, shh.
Why don't you just deal with it? What, I'll deal with your shouting every day? No, you don't want to put your time into the relationship.
What relationship? You don't even feed my fish.
Why do I need to go to badminton? Because I can't take any of ts torture anymore.
- Torture? - Yeah, constant torture.
Chinese torture machine.
[applause.]
- [laughing.]
So the issue here is Does a spouse have a say in how much time You invest in an outside interest? Panel? Oh, that was classic right there.
I thought thatI love that he brought up her culture.
And you know, I mean, that [laughing.]
Chinese people love badminton.
What are you talking about? He didn't bring it up.
He threw it in her face.
[laughing.]
I really think that the guy should be able To pursue a hobby like that.
Uh-huh.
But make a--sort of make a little bit of a concession In how many hours he'll be gone.
- Right.
- And she should then Use those hours for something more productive.
Like, you know, baking, cooking, sewing.
[laughter and applause.]
What I love is she goes, "you don't have time for anything else, you don't--" Meantime--well, here's what I see.
He's walking and feeding the dogs, he's cooking What is--what is her function in the relationship? Other than-- - what was he cooking? I mean it was like- they seemed to get along.
It was like a mixture of tofu and bacon bits Or something like that Well, it looked like a curry.
That looked like an indian curry.
I don't know what that was.
It was like-- What worries me is The, sort of, mother-in-law in the background.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
But if I may--if I may-- - lurking.
Lurking.
Can we see that again? Why don't you just take your mother to badminton? She needs to lose some weight.
Shan, why do you bring my mother into this? My mom doesn't want to play badminton with me.
You keep-- [laughter and applause.]
She's just wandering down the hallway.
Couldn't possibly have seen this coming.
- Yeah, I also--I also- - not that this woman is heavy By any stretch of the imagination.
But she's-- she's also not twiggy Throwing the mother under the bus, you know.
"your mother needs to lose some weight, fat ass.
" You know? I think that this woman Should really take advantage of the situation, And let him go.
- Just let him go.
- Mm.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Definitely.
- Well, let's ask natalie.
Natalie, how many hours a week does he spd playing badminton? He spends about 2 1/2 hours three times a week.
So roughly, eight hours a week.
So panel, eight hours a week With a spouse you're spending the rest of your life with.
Is that too much to ask? - Well, let me ask the- - I'm not a golfer, But isn't the average I'm-going-out-to-play-golf Like a six-hour, eight-hour thing - Yeah.
- So what's the difference? If he was playing golf it would all be the same thing.
Except it wouldn't be as gay, but other than that.
[laughter.]
Okay, we're gonna take a quick break.
When we come back, I'm gonna make the call.
[cheers and applause.]
Coming up, another great tip from martha.
He's smiley, and healthy, and hearty.
And she should think of maybe putting a, You know, a pole in the bedroom.
[laughter.]
All right, naveen thorati and shan wong.
I love to mimic exactly like the other badminton players.
Do you play badminton? I do with the kids.
- You do? - I play it.
I don't spend eight hours doing it though.
I have a whole article coming out in my magazine About the rules of badminton.
- You do? - I do.
- And you play it? - Oh, yes, I love it.
- Really? - Yes.
All non-jews play badminton.
[laughter.]
That's just a rule.
[laughing.]
And it is very good exercise.
Look, he's in very good shape.
He-- - he is.
He's smiley, and healthy, and hearty.
And you know, I think she's making a big mistake.
How long have they been married? Yeah, they've been married for two years.
- Two years.
- Oh, so it's-- So at five years, she's gonna recommend he plays At least ten hours a week.
Go! Go, go! You set up the net, you do the whole thing, like, with the-- In the backyard kind of thing? Yeah, yeah.
- Is that what you're saying? - Yeah.
Put it in the yard, and you gotta, you know, nail it down.
And you get out there, and you wear the really short shorts.
That's the only way you can get a-- Ly timyocan get away with those shorts.
- [laughing.]
- especially as a brother.
You can't really wear them.
You know, somebody come over, I'll be like, "man, I'm playing badminton with my kids, you know.
Don't judge me, don't judge me.
" [laughing.]
I like how she busts him for not Spending enough time with the family-- Which as far as I can see, consists of Her, a sweatshirt, and a pack of rescue dogs.
And the mother.
And the mother.
Don't forget the mother.
And her goldfish.
You got--she-- She hit him with it.
"you don't feed my goldfish.
" And by the way, look in that tank, There's one fish in that giant Put that up.
You'll see, it's one fish.
In sea world, it's one fish.
Look at the skillet, there's the oven Let me point this out.
Did you catch his doubles partner? [laughing.]
You think you're gonna get to the nationals With malcolm in the middle here? By the way, martha, don't you think that The color scheme is fantastic in that? In that gym? - Teal and puke brown.
- Yeah.
[laughing.]
- It's a sad place to play.
- Yeah.
[laughing.]
it's just sad.
Who do you think I should go for? Husband or the wife? Jason? You know, tom, being an elite athlete myself, I, uh I don't have it in me to cut down A young budding professional like that.
Take away the dream, it would be like, you know, Telling rocky not to go for it.
This guy - [laughing.]
I believe he can take badminton To a whole new level.
[laughing.]
To a place where someone gives a damn about it.
[applause.]
I'm going with naveen.
Okay, for the husband.
Martha? I'm definitely in for the husband.
- Definitely.
- Yes.
I think she should allow him To have his enjoyment.
- Right.
And she should think of maybe putting a, you know, Pole in the bedroom.
[laughing.]
[applause.]
Do you mean a metal pole, or a guy from poland? I'm not sure what [laughing.]
- Either.
- Either way? Either way.
[laughing.]
It'll be someone for the mother-in-law to play with.
She would be in the back like this then.
- Cedric? - I'm gonna-- I'm gonna go with the husband on this one.
I think that, you know, this guy's proven-- He's got trophies and ribbons.
He is a--he deserves to play badminton, man.
All right, that's all for the husband.
All right, I'm ready to make the call.
[bell dings.]
Let's go to marlborough, massachusetts And bring up the real thorati-wongs In their real-life home.
[cheers and applause.]
Wow.
Hi, guys.
You look great.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
We love you guys around here.
Thanks for being on our show.
- It's our pleasure.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Is mom around? No, she's in india.
[laughter.]
All right, guys, I listened to our panel.
They made some really good points.
And I think, martha- -I think what you said I really liked.
So here's my call, shan.
I know you think he spends too much time on this sport.
But personally I'm impressed that, at that gym, He's got eight people watching him Swap miniature laundry baskets with an 11-year-old boy.
Both: [laughing.]
That's not nothing.
Veen, grab your shorts And a juice box for your partner.
It's playing time, honey.
Whoo! [cheers and applause.]
- thank you.
She's not happy.
Thank you.
All right, well, great talking to you guys.
We really love you both.
Thank you so much.
The call's been made.
Say good-bye to the thorati-wongs, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]
Coming up, jason calls it like it is.
This guy has "playa" written all over him.
I think that you just concerned About women or something.
That's gonna make tiger woods look like a beginner.
Let's sneak up on the hawkinses In that fresh, healthy salt air of chesapeake, virginia.
He came into my life as my protector.
And I loved that about him.
I fell in love with you, and your eyes, And your nurturing spirit.
It was your eyes.
You were just- -you were beautiful to me too.
Aw! It makes me crazy because I'm like, "just give up now.
" when you got a banking account make sure she ain't around 'cause you might find yourself living at the hotel I'm telling you, if I go on the road, It creates more opportunities for exposure.
Can you include me in it? - Can I include you in it? - Yeah.
- You mean can you go? - Yes.
Okay, now--now that doesn't make sense.
Because I would love to have you.
But who wants their husband by their self on a tour? For six months? Well, hell, who wants their husband out in iraq? But, no, wait a minute.
I think that you just concerned About women or something.
All of the bad stigmas that the music business has.
Hell, I've outgrown that.
You're happy with me cutting grass.
No, I'm not.
You're happy with me being the lawn care-- What am I gonna be, the singing lawn care man? me and my lady we had a fight the other day You keep doing you, and I'm gonna keep doing me.
Well, see, that's the problem.
I don't want you to do you and you to do me.
I want us to be like bonnie and clyde.
I don't wanna be like bonnie and clyde.
And let's get it, you and I.
I want us to be one.
[cheers and applause.]
So the issue here is Should she support his dream and let him go Or should he stay home for her sense of security? What do you think, panel? [laughing.]
I love how he wasn't selfish.
But kelvin hawkins, he don't do that.
You know, the whole time he was speaking in third-person.
You don't feel? I mean, I'm for the family and everything, But it's kelvin hawkins, you know.
[laughing.]
This is what kelvin hawkins is about.
[applause.]
He has a dream.
Is this a dream, or has he been offered a gig? Well, he had an offer a couple of months ago To go on tour for six months with a rap artist named klutch.
I mean, to me, this guy has "playa" written all over him.
UhThe minute a guy brings up, "are you worried about women?" Well, that'sYeah, you know.
Yeah, that's-- So I'm a little concerned That she has a legitimate gripe.
Because life on the road for six months-- And this guy's been thinking about it for 24 years-- That's gonna make tiger woods look like a beginner.
[laughing.]
However [clears throat.]
I think it's very dangerous for a spouse to-- To denigrate or deny someone they love their dream.
You get one shot in life.
- Yeah.
And if she's the reason he doesn't get his shot, He'll never forgive her.
She'll be the reason the whole time.
- Yeah.
- Well, I think-- I think she should go on the road And surprise him every now and then.
Ah-ha.
Just pop up.
- Yeah.
- Oh, hey.
Get the schedule and just show up every now and then.
Do you think it's a little bit of a concern? The other woman thing? I mean, he's a grown man going on a tour with a rapper.
Yes, of course, he's not gonna-- [laughing.]
Who wants to hang with a rapper? I mean [cheers and applause.]
Whoo! Martha--martha, that's rapper without the "w".
[laughter.]
I know.
I love rappers.
[chuckling.]
But cedric, is it still the road If your spouse goes with you? Yeah, it's not really-- You can't be a sexy soul singer up there, you know, When your wife just sitting over there like this the whole time.
[laughing.]
- It takes some of the-- - I don't know why You screaming for him- he married, okay? [laughing.]
Do not scream for him, he married.
Okay? - Well, look, you- -three very successful people.
Doesn't it take a little selfishness To get to where you guys have gotten? I made the decision with my wife That while my kids were small, and around, and needed parents, That I would walk away from-- right.
Now of course I was fortunate enough to be able to do that.
- Right.
- Thanks to mr.
Seinfeld.
Let's pretend the show never happened for you.
I would have left them in a heartbeat.
[laughter.]
All right, when we come back, I'm gonna mow down this problem.
And we'll meet the real hawkinses.
[cheers and applause.]
Stay tuned--we are headed for sudden death.
This guy's bad.
Panelists, what do we do here? All right, the hawkinses-- He wants to sing, she wants him to keep it in the shower.
- She giving me this- - this it's me or the music.
I'm saying either me or the tour.
We're getting older.
I understand-- We not 20 no more.
Getting older, but we ain't old.
- No.
- We living.
It's time to live.
Panelists, what do we do here? Jason? I think kathy's gotta have a little faith in her man.
Uh-huh? You don't get between a man and his dream.
If opportunity and dream present themselves, You must give him a shot.
All right, so for the husband.
Martha? I am definitely for the husband.
- Okay.
- I think-- He has to have a real gig to go.
Right.
No fake gig, and the paychecks have to go home.
And the paychecks go right home.
- Right.
- I like that attitude.
Cedric? - I think--I think, you know- - I think she should let him go.
I was wondering, though, if you tour, Like, six months in a row-- Uh-huh, that's a long time.
With a rapper that doesn't have a deal.
It's a little suspect, though.
- It's, uh-- - yeah.
I'm a bit concerned.
All right.
Okay, thanks.
I'm ready to make the call.
[bell dings.]
Let's go to chesapeake bay and bring up the actual hawkinses In their actual home.
[cheers and applause.]
Hey there, hawkinses, great to see you.
- Hi, how are you? - Great to see you too, hello.
[laughing.]
Hello, world.
[laughter.]
Well, thank you guys for being on our show.
We really appreciate it.
- You're welcome.
- We discussed it.
There seems to be a common theme here.
You don't want to stand in the way of someone with a dream.
Am I all for you going out on the road, Backing up and singing? Yes, I am.
But guess what? Kathy's gotta go with you.
[audience oohs.]
- yeah.
- That's not happening.
- Bonnie and-- Absolutely not.
[laughing.]
Bonnie and clyde went on the road together.
You gotta do it the same way.
Hopefully with a little less violent ending.
living at the hotel [machine gunfire noise.]
[laughing.]
So, kelvin, congratulations.
You kind of win.
Ooh! Oh, baby! I won! I'm king! I'm king! I'm king, baby! Forget about being a back-up singer.
This is the act you should be taking on the road with you.
But you gotta let your lady check in on you.
I don't care, I don't wanna hear the road Is someplace to go crazy.
She's gotta come.
If not all the time, she's got-- Like martha said, she's gotta check in.
Maybe when you're not expecting her.
Mm-hmm.
[claps.]
I agree.
- Hmm.
[laughing.]
Are you cool with that, kelvin? - Unexpected visits? - Yeah.
Don't know about unexpected visits from my wife.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm an innocent guy, man.
But look, nobody wants their wife popping up on them.
[laughing.]
- This guy's bad.
- Not gonna be doing anything.
I just don't want my wife just popping up, You know, from out of nowhere, Coming from behind walls and doors.
[laughg.]
Come on, man.
I love you.
I love you, I promise I do.
All right, I see good things in youfuture.
The call has been made.
I think it's gonna work out great.
Best of luck to both of you.
Say good-bye to the hawkinses, everybody.
- Thank you, bye-bye.
- God bless you.
Good-bye, america! - Thank you.
I love you! [cheers and applause.]
- all right.
And for being such great sports, all our couples tonight Will receive a romantic second honeymoon Furnished by royal caribbean international.
[cheers and applause.]
So we'd like to thank our panel of experts-- Cedric the entertainer, Martha stewart, And jason alexander.
And especially to all our couples tonight, Thank you for letting us into your marriages.
It's worth fighting for.
Now kiss and make up.
Good night, everybody.