The Marriage Ref (2010) s01e05 Episode Script
Jerry Seinfeld, Kelly Ripa, Alec Baldwin
You're showing your music videos To fathers on the carpool at preschool.
It's embarrassing.
Do you think michelle obama would have said, "you're working too hard.
Stop it, please.
Like, you know" Please don't compare yourself to president obama.
"you want to be president, you have daughters.
" Never.
She would be, "absolutely, I believe in you.
" Oh, my god, I can't even go there with you.
You're so delusional.
Christopher columbus, albert einstein, All their spouses, All their significant others, I'm sure had been encouraging, Not demoralizing.
You haven't even heard my latest tracks.
What are the latest? It's gonna go on for ten more years Till you're 50? - No.
- And have no hair? And what-- Great, I have no hair.
I go to the gym, and I work out, And I shave my head, I grow a beard, I flip it.
You know what, erin, successful people have to work.
They have to-- but you're not successful! [hip-hop music.]
[applause.]
Now, obviously, she didn't see this coming, And a lot of women don't.
This is what we like to call a jack-in-the-box moment.
They think they have one husband, And then, [humming pop goes the weasel.]
"I'm krispy now!" [laughter.]
So the issue here is, should kris the businessman Be busting rhymes or punching the clock? Panel, what do you think? I didn't think the video was so bad.
"I crave the hot light, the spotlight Of broadway.
" No, it's bad.
It's bad.
Yeah, I have to agree with jerry.
I think the bottom line Is that his rhymes isn't dope.
As a 37-year-old white dad rapper, you know, In the rap world, You might as well be andy rooney at that point.
Yeah.
[imitating andy rooney.]
"why do they call it "spitting rhymes? "I don't spit when I rap, Least not intentionally.
" [applause.]
I think, uh My favorite moment of that whole package there Was when she informed him That he was never going to be j.
Lo, And he genuinely seemed shocked by that news.
I think what she's saying, though-- I mean, I kind of understand where she's coming from.
I think it's the way that she says it.
Right.
I mean, I totally agree with her, But I think that she's really kind of like, You know, bang bang, and he's going Crush him.
Right.
Yeah, but he's deep into this world.
You know, he needs a little bit of a shake.
- He needs a- - [makes punching sound.]
I think that's why she's being a little aggressive Is because this is a-- I mean, look at that picture on the top right there.
I mean, I love the little hair.
I love this doing this with the hair, Like people are gonna go, "what kind of crazy dude is this?" You got two little girls.
This is gonna be the provider here with? He's krispy.
And the "nyc.
" I love moving the "y" up between the "n" and the "c.
" Crazy.
But alec's right.
I mean, she's really tough on him.
At one point, she hits him with what we like to call A chinese gong moment.
But you're not successful! Bong! "I'm not successful?" That is tough for a man to hear, Like, right in your face from your wife.
Yeah.
"you're not successful!" Well, if she's not careful, He's gonna bust a cap in her.
That's what I like about you, kelly.
You're so street.
See, what I need to know, Is this an achievable dream for a guy like this? And at any point in the show where I need a harfact, I go to our just the facts ma'am, Nbc news' natalie morales.
[cheers and applause.]
So, natalie-- Natalie, how many Successful white rappers are there? Well, the music industry considers there to be Exactly 11 successful white rap acts.
All right, and of the 11 successful rappers That are white, Have any of them emerged from the business world? No.
Were any of them Already in their late 30s, Married, with a wife, and two daughters? No.
Regular carpool shift? No.
All right, so it could be tough.
I have a question.
Who are the other ten white successful rap acts? No, he's not in the 11.
No, I'm thinking of eminem.
Oh, eminem and, you know.
Actually, eminem started late.
He started in his late 20s, And he was already married and had a kid, so This guy's methuselah compared to him.
His late 20s.
It's a very slim pool.
He's gonna keep it going.
That's what's-- He says if he's still failing at 50, He's just gonna flip it.
Sad.
Nobody said being a visionary was gonna be easy.
Well, it's not like he's a limbless guy Who wants to become an olympic skier.
But it's close.
It's close.
Very close.
According to natalie, it's very close.
Big dream.
He's dreaming big.
He is dreaming big, but it might be too big.
Look at the guys he compares himself to.
This is unsettling for a wife to hear.
Christopher columbus, albert einstein, All their spouses, all their significant others, I'm sure had been encouraging.
I love the idea of christopher columbus' Significant other, that's a Yes, mrs.
Columbus.
"yeah, well, no, I can't really commit to you.
I'm on the road a lot, I'm exploring, you know?" Christopher columbus' wife: "you're not successful!" "you're going around the world And what?" All right, after this break, We'll find out which way the panel would like me to go, With the husband or the wife.
Announcer: Coming up But you do think that you couldn't defend-- Is that where I went wrong? I smell a spin-off.
We're back with the palestrinis.
He wants to rap, she wants to slap him.
You're gonna be a rap star at the age of 37? I look like I'm 27.
Just trust in me.
In your rapping skills.
Yeah, just say, "I trust you.
I trust you.
" I don't trust in your rap career, sorry.
I can't say that.
can't be stopped till the krispy kreme's on top This is so embarrassing.
[applause.]
I don't know.
I mean, part of it is okay.
He's trying to make a career, And he's trying to do something, like, big and crazy.
But he's also just a guy doing something on the side.
I mean, he's wearing ridiculous clothes, He's spending hours doing something That'll never amount to anything.
Is this any different from golf, really? Really.
Who's more delusional? Him or some guy hacking away In high grass for six hours? Yeah, but it's just a thing.
He's a guy doing a thing.
Guys--guys have-- Don't you think guys have to do irrational things Just as a way of functioning? Don't you do things that you couldn't defend? Yes.
Don't you have some sort of activities, Including this, by the way? Can you explain What reason you really have to be here? Do you have a hobby? Do you have a thing that you do? Do you-- yo, I have a hobby and you know what it is [applause.]
No, I'm kidding.
Yo, that was fly, though, for real.
Word, kelly.
She says that he's a good father, He's a good husband.
What's the problem? Let him go do his rhymes.
Yeah.
It's almost like if he wouldn't act Just so, like, delusional about it, It might be a little easier.
- Right.
- You know? I mean, I'm all for living fantasies.
You know? This isn't my suit.
I'm wearing makeup.
I've never seen this tie in my life.
Someone else tied this tie for me, But at least I'm aware of it, you know? Right.
This guy doesn't want to get pinned down on his age.
Can you show that again? I'm not 40.
I'm not at all.
You're gonna be 40 in 2 1/2 years.
No, I'm not, erin, don't lie.
No, you're not? Yes, you are.
You can't even admit when you were born? I think what would really hurt Is if they did get divorced, She married a real rap star.
Oh, no.
Oh, it'd kill him.
That would hurt.
Yeah, a guy named "krunchy.
" [laughter and applause.]
I was so close! So close! They meet at the kid's graduation.
"would you listen to this for me, krunchy? "a little thing I wrote.
"no? Okay.
Didn't mean to disturb you.
" Did you see her face at the end of that? Ohh! There's a lot going on there.
That is the essence of marriage right there, isn't it? This is the "who is this person, "and I can't believe I'm stuck with him Until I die" look.
All right, so what do you think? Jerry, husband or the wife? It's silly, but I do silly things.
It's harmless.
Let him do it.
I--I don't think-- - yeah? You know, she's not behind him, But that's fine, too.
But I kind of believe in silly.
I mean, that's how I got into my career, So I think I think silly's okay.
I'm with the husband.
Kelly? I think it's very important for couples To have their own individual identity, Something that occupies their time.
And if this gets him out of the house and away from her, I say, more power to him, And I think she should be thrilled to let him-- It's not like he's shirking his responsibilities at home, And he's not, you know, providing for them.
That's a good point.
You know, you never know.
Stranger things have happened.
What if she leaves him And then he makes something of himself? I think he's on tv right now.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Hello! I smell a spin-off.
[applause.]
Okay, two for krispy.
Alec? I'm gonna vote with him, because, once again, I refuse to believe that somebody just pops up one day And says, "baby? Shh, baby, wake up, I want to be a rap artist.
" - Yeah.
- That comes out of nowhere.
She must have seen some sign.
She must have known what he was all about That he had some kind of passion.
So I'm gonna vote with him, Because I think that, you know, it's harmless.
He's not saying, "honey, I want to be a grave robber.
" You know what I mean? All right, good advice.
Everyone's krispy.
We're all krispy.
Everyone's gone krispy crazy.
" Okay.
[applause.]
All right, thank you very much.
I am ready to make the call.
[bell clangs.]
Let's go to manhattan's upper west side And bring up the actual palestrinis.
[cheers and applause.]
- Hi.
- How you guys doing tonight? It's good to see you guys.
How you doin'? - Great.
- Good.
How are u? I am a little disappointed, krispy That the hair's not up.
Oh, the hair? Yeah, I kind of, uh Did the shave today.
I wanted to go clean-cut for the show.
I hope you like it.
Yeah.
I do like it.
I think you flipped it.
Thank you.
[laughs.]
All right, here's my call, guys.
Kris, I--I really think that you-- you work hard, You're providing for your family, You're not doing anything dishonest or evil.
I mean, when you look at it, the bottom line is, Erin--erin, you're just embarrassed by him.
Yes.
What wife isn't ultimately constantly, Inevitably embarrassed by her husband? Welcome to marriage.
[applause.]
Embrace the embarrassment.
Krispy, you get to keep on rappin'.
You win.
Yeah! [applause.]
I love it! Okay, krispy.
All right, buddy.
Great talking to you.
The call's been made.
Say good-bye to the palestrinis.
[cheers and applause.]
When we come back, We'll find out why she's a little irritated.
I'm not gonna back off, either! I'm sick of it! Announcer: Coming up, get ready to tweet.
This is a wacky group of people.
They got the princess and the pea bed, The motorcycle, The cat's squatting on the toilet.
I mean, I just want to talk About the cat some more.
If you'd like to be on the marriage ref, Start a fight with your spouse And then go to nbc.
Com.
Find out how you can appear on our show.
All right.
Next up, let's fan-boat through the exotic everglades, Florida's natural wetland, to romantic kissimmee And meet the burnses for a double dip.
I hired jimmy when I first saw him.
I was collecting metal.
Scrap metal.
I was not paying attention, 'cause I couldn't see him, 'cause he was so dirty.
I mean, I moved in a week later, was it? He swept me off my feet.
I fell in love with him.
Yeah.
- It worked.
See? [laughter.]
I feel it's the safest place in the house.
I can actually see it on my bed Through the double fireplace.
I picked a pretty good spot for it.
A man and his bike are one, you know? It doesn't talk back to me.
It doesn't yell at me.
It's not tired.
It's not irritable.
Jimmy, please.
The bike is gonna stay.
Just get the bike out of here.
It's been here a year.
It's been long enough.
It's gonna be five more.
I can't entertain anybody here In this living room.
We don't entertain anyone.
You're overbearing with this.
So? I can't entertain Because you have had this here for a year.
I can't bring anybody into this house.
It's embarrassing to me.
Well, that's why I'm cleaning it up.
I'm making it look more presentable.
The bike's not bothering anybody.
It's bothering me and I'm not gonna back off either! I'm sick of it! Bike's not doing anything wrong.
You're doing something wrong! The bike doesn't have a brain! You're supposed to! I don't want it to get scratched.
[laughter.]
- jimmy, you don't have any Respect for me.
I got a lot of respect, but the bike's staying.
I don't want to live this way.
- I do.
- I want my chairs around.
I want people to come over to the house.
You don't know anybody.
I know anybody.
I know people.
I don't know people.
You keep rubbing it.
What, you gonna get three wishes? [laughter and applause.]
I think the issue here is, "how do you teach a cat to do that?" [laughter.]
But back to the couple.
Motorcycle in the living room.
Panel, help me out.
I-I--I mean, I just want to talk about the cat some more.
Yeah, have you ever seen that? I've never seen that, but if she can teach that cat To do that, she can certainly teach him To take that motorcycle outside.
[laughter.]
That cat is showing some initiative.
I think the cat thinks, "this house is crazy.
I'm on my own.
" - yeah.
"I better figure my own thing out here, because--" Well, first of all, when you see The way they live, I mean, this is like-- All of a sudden, it's like the royal tenenbaums here, You know what I mean? They got the princess and the pea bed, The motorcycle, the cat squatting on the toilet.
All we need is gwyneth paltrow smoking in the bath tub.
It's like, "what are we doing?" This is a wacky group of people.
[laughter and applause.]
- right.
It's a good point.
I mean, let's-- he's right.
Let's take a look at this room.
You've got giant beer sign over here.
Right? Over here, you've got a street lamp.
Over here, an italian piazza.
What evidence is there really that this motorcycle Is actually indoors? [laughter and applause.]
They're a man-made canal away From pirates of the caribbean.
[laughter.]
The motorcycle is, like, the only thing That makes sense in this room.
You know, at the beginning of the taped piece, They seemed very affectionate, you know? They met, she thought he was dirty, They moved in a week later.
[laughter.]
And at the crux of it is the motorcycle, Which-- I mean, in the grand scheme of the room, Isn't that big a deal.
Really? You don't think it's that big a deal? In the grand scheme of that room, It seems like it fits in.
Well, when I was a kid, I used to ride motorcycles.
You ever ride a motorcycle? - Yes.
So you kind of get-- There's an affectionate-- You get close to a motorcycle.
Don't you think? But is there no-- There's not a garage to keep it in? No, he has a garage.
In fact, he has two other bikes in that garage.
But this is the harley, so.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
I like whales too, but I don't have one Suspended from the ceiling.
Jerry.
You do like whales? I love whales.
[laughter.]
Have you ever ridden a whale? [laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]
We're all waiting.
I got a good one, But this is a network show.
[laughter.]
We can sell it to cable.
I think that she should think of something That would maybe tick him off To, like--to counter and see how he likes it.
Like make the cat go in a litter box.
No.
Yes.
Or, like, in the bedroom, put a big, Like, roulette wheel.
And have the cat play roulette all night long.
And you just hear, "tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick," All night long and say, "how do you like it?" Something.
He has some refined coping skills.
Show him alone in the living room.
This is another classic male behavior.
This is unnecessary busy work that men do To shut out their mate.
It's something we like to call, "polishing the harley.
" [laughter.]
I didn't know "polishing the harley" Actually meant polishing the harley.
[laughter.]
Do you want him doing that outside? [laughter and applause.]
It would be great to see him riding it Around the living room, wouldn't it? Or to start it up and, like, rev it and go, "I can't hear you.
" [laughter.]
[imitates engine revving.]
[laughter.]
All right, thank you, panel.
But before I make this call, There's a whole other catfight Going on in the burns's household.
Mariah carey knows she's a no-good hussy And I know mariah carey's a no-good hussy.
[laughter and applause.]
She is a no-good hussy.
Announcer: This happens.
[laughter.]
Ooh! Okay.
Back to the burnses.
We've got a double-header with this couple.
Susan keeps complaining they have no visitors, But as you'll see, jim has one and you all know her.
[laughter.]
Mariah carey is the world to me.
It's more of the fantasy, you know? The idea of doesn't talk back.
You can turn her on, turn her off.
It's almost like a drug, so.
It's very soothing, you know? Music calms the savage beast.
That sort of thing.
Mariah carey is a no-good hussy And mariah carey knows she's a no-good hussy And I know mariah carey's a no-good hussy.
Open the door.
This afternoon, I had a mariah carey dvd On the television.
Open the door! My wife found out when I had it on there And I try to lock her out of the bedroom.
[knock on door.]
- open the door.
Jimmy, open the door.
I told you you're not allowed to have this on In this bedroom.
Why? Tell me why.
Because I want this witch out of my house.
- Okay, so I'll just-- - I don't want to see her.
I don't want to see you staring at her Well, I'm not staring.
'cause you're so in love with her.
- But I'm not staring.
- Turn her off.
I'll turn it down.
How's that? - Turn her off.
- We'll compromise.
- Turn her off.
- I'll compromise.
- Turn her off.
- I can turn it down.
- I can get rid of all her-- - well, wait a minute now.
What do you like about her? Why are you always looking at her? - She looks good, doesn't she? - No.
He stays in his own little world with mariah carey.
He has me.
I don't know why he wants mariah carey.
I want her off my television set.
I never liked her.
Before I ever met you, I hated her.
Well, you didn't tell me you didn't like her.
- I did tell you.
- No, you never told me.
I told you in the first year that I met you That I didn't like her.
You're involved with mariah carey.
I wasn't gonna get rid of my collection.
You're involved with mariah carey.
[cheers and applause.]
The issue here is, "should he have to give up His relationship with mariah carey?" So, panel, what do you think? I think that when you have grace kelly for a wife, What do you need mariah carey for? Yeah, absolutely.
A dainty little flower like this woman.
[laughter.]
Soft-spoken.
Genteel.
[laughter.]
Her voice like maple syrup on pancakes.
[laughter.]
- it's true.
It's very charming.
These people may have problems, But self-esteem isn't one of them.
Give me the "me" highlight again.
He has me.
I don't know why he wants mariah carey.
You got to love the confidence.
Well, I think mariah needs to back off, really.
[laughter.]
You know what I like about him though? I mean, he's not being mean to his wife, you know? He never yells at her.
He just knows what he likes and anything beyond that Is just theory.
"I like this singer.
"I like this bike.
I like this shirt.
What things do you like?" [laughter and applause.]
I think sometimes the state of florida Gets a bad rap and now we know why.
[laughter.]
Oh.
Natalie, help me out here.
What is it about mariah carey That makes her fans so passionate? Well, tom, she has the most number-one singles Of any solo artist and on top of that, She has a five-octave vocal range.
Wow.
Five octaves.
That's pretty wide.
I wonder, however, if she can hit this note.
The bike doesn't have a brain! You're supposed to! [laughter.]
I think it's that five-octave range That really gets him going too.
When he's polishing that harley [laughter.]
It's all going on in here.
[laughter and applause.]
He really goes into a trance state there, doesn't he? In that den? - He does.
Yeah.
Yeah, look at that.
Look at it.
[laughter.]
Yeah.
You know, I think the dalai lama Would meet him and go, "how do you get so out Of your own consciousness like that, you know?" You've really got some-- All right, panelists, which way do I go? Husband or the wife? And you can split 'em up if you want to.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- Oh.
We have two issues with the burnses.
Motorcycle and mariah carey.
Alec, you go first.
Well, I think, um, the guy's a meatball.
Let's face it.
And what he needs to do Is get on that motorcycle, put the headphones on, And play some mariah carey and go for a long bike ride.
You got to go-- I'm talking about, Like, cross-country.
Right.
Because, seriously, when you are married, You don't have to make your wife The most important thing in your life But you got to find a way to make her think She's the most important thing in your life.
You got to play that game.
And this guy hasn't figured that out.
Well, what does that mean? He's a meatball is what I'm saying here.
So bottom line, alec? - I vote for her on both counts.
- On both? You got to lose the mariah carey.
You got to lose the motorcycle.
Kelly? You know, right down the middle.
I think that he needs to get that motorcycle Into the garage.
Uh-huh? And she needs to let him have mariah carey.
I mean, he's not really there.
[laughter.]
Okay, jerry? I think if he gets rid of the mariah carey, She'll let him have the motorcycle Uh-huh? Which I would prefer.
[laughter.]
Maybe just move it up a little bit In the corner, you know, by the piazza and, You know, maybe-- maybe, you know-- Maybe get a vespa.
Nobody will notice it.
Cappuccino bar or something.
But you can't annoy your wife like that.
She is a no-good hussy.
I think she's right.
[laughter.]
Great observations, panel.
After the break, we'll go to the actual home Of the burnses in florida.
[cheers and applause.]
Announcer: Coming up Seems like these pets have become the new mistress.
That cat is his mistress.
Announcer: Plus, find out what he's so mad about.
[dog barks.]
All right, I'm ready to make the call.
Let's go to kissimmee to welcome the real-life burnses In their real-life home.
[cheers and applause.]
Well, here we are.
Thanks for coming on the show.
I love both of you guys.
- Thanks for having us.
- Thank you.
The motorcycle, I have to say, In the living room? Beyond insane.
Blasting mariah carey videos in front of your wife? I have to say, inconsiderate.
But, and I hate to stir up controversy, Jim, the way you defend yourself Yeah? Without raising your voice or belittling your wife In any way, I think shows your love for susan.
And frankly, I've never seen a guy-- Yeah, see? [laughter.]
I have-- [laughter continues.]
He's right.
- [imitates engine revving.]
And I have never-- [laughter.]
I have never seen a guy make arguments like this In my life.
To me, you're like batman.
Right or wrong, I just feel better Knowing you're out there.
[laughter and applause.]
Jim.
- No, see? - I love you.
Thank you.
See? You love her and I think you're showing it In a great way, so, jim, The bike and video stay.
You win! [crowd awws.]
yeah! Thank you.
Thank you.
[cat meows.]
See? That's wonderful.
Now I can give you a kiss.
[laughter and applause.]
It worked out, sue.
[cat growls.]
Get him off the table.
Um.
Tom? Tom? [cheering.]
Would you put the-- Will you stop it? - Will you stop? It's my cat, sue.
Please.
So-- [laughter.]
I love you, buddy.
Susan has a problem with his relationship With mariah carey but not with the cat? You're playing with the wrong one.
Oh, no.
Come on now, sue.
[crowd gasping.]
[indistinct.]
Oh, I'm so mad at you.
Now you got the motorcycle and you've got mariah still.
- Jim, on second thought - Yeah? You lose everything.
[laughter and applause.]
Can't look.
I can't look.
Oh, come on.
Bye, burnses! [applause.]
All right.
Now let's clatter down The historical cobblestone streets Of north reading, massachusetts, And meet the beauregards, whose argument Has just a little bit of bite to it.
She caught my eye about 17 years ago.
She was a cocktail waitress.
I was a bartender.
I didn't really notice him.
One day, he came in and he had a business suit And a raincoat and a briefcase And I said, "whoa, you have a real job.
" I wasn't sticking with a bartender.
[laughter.]
Zeus is my best friend.
It is unconditional love.
Open.
Zeus is a psychopathic, Narcissistic, rotten maggot.
[dog barks.]
[gasps.]
Oh, zeus.
If jim was to pass away, I'd send zeus to the glue factory, Because I would never do this to another family.
[dog barks.]
People can't even come in this house.
It's barking 24-hour incessant.
He bites me again, he's going.
- He's going? - Yeah, he's going.
He's going where? He's out of here.
I can't live like this.
- He's out of here? - Yeah.
I can't live like this.
He's out of here? [dog barks.]
I trained the dog, okay? And he--j-- hey! I trained the dog to listen to commands, okay? But you won't do it.
Instead, you'll- -zzt! You'll zap him! He bites me.
[dog barks.]
ah! [screaming.]
Zeus! Why, instead of cowering in the corner Every time the dog growls, Why don't you try to train with the dog? I'm afraid of the dog.
He's a teenage dog.
What did you do when you were a teenager? I smoked cigarettes, I hung down the park, and I didn't bite people.
Maria, stop it.
He's not going anywhere.
I'm not keeping this dog.
Why? Because my house is crazy.
Your house? You don't even under-- Your house? - He bit my 78-year-old mother.
Maybe she had it coming.
She had it coming? Maybe she did something to the dog that made her upset-- Made the dog upset.
Jim, even a lion tamer doesn't let the tiger Bite anybody.
Tell that to siegfried and roy.
[laughter.]
You're nuts.
[dog growls.]
[dog barks.]
[laughter and applause.]
So the issue here is, "what do you do about A crazy, fluffy, shark dog in the house?" Panel, what do you think? Well, you have an attack dog trying to kill your wife.
He's trying to bite your wife.
- Yeah.
How did he get there? And he's defending the dog.
And he's taking the dog's side.
It seems like these pets have become The new mistress almost.
I mean, it's really disturbing.
You saw the guy with the cat.
I mean, that was-- [laughter.]
That cat is his mistress.
I think she should slip him a very powerful drug.
The husband.
- The husband.
He's out.
He's naked.
You cover him in honey and put fire ants all over his body.
And when he wakes up screaming, you say, "what's the big deal? They're my pets.
" [laughter.]
"they're my pets.
" And they're biting him.
What's wrong? When you hear a woman describe like, "I didn't want to marry him.
"I wasn't interested in this guy.
Then he came in with a trench coat and a briefcase.
" And this completely charms and she fa--and marries.
"I'll spend the rest of my life with this guy.
He bought a coat.
" [laughter.]
Well, what does that mean? Is that how women work? Is that how they evaluate a man? "okay, t-shirt.
Trench coat.
Rest of my life.
" Is that where I went wrong? My rainwear? Your rainwear, yeah.
What is he doing on the treadmill there also? Yeah.
Walking at a 1/2 a mile an hour With the dog in his street clothes.
[laughter.]
How about the siegfried and roy argument? Who takes the tiger's side? [laughter.]
He ate a guy.
But could you imagine siegfried and roy? The one guy gets mangled.
He gets mauled.
He's in the hospital.
He's laying there.
He's nearly dead.
His friend says, "you got to hold on.
"you need to hang on.
I need you to hang on.
I love you.
I'll do anything for you.
" He says, "all right, do one thing for me.
Kill that tiger that bit me.
" And the guy says, "that, I can't do.
" [laughter.]
"that, I won't do.
" - "he's my best friend.
" - "he's my best friend.
" [laughter.]
-"he's my best friend.
" We'll have more of this dog fight When we come back.
Announcer: Coming up, kelly and jerry In a dog fight of their own.
I want to know where you stand, jerry.
Um-- "um"? [laughter.]
Okay, it's the beauregard versus zeus title bout.
You're obsessed with this dog.
Obsessed? Obsessed, compulsed, in love, whatever it is.
Maria, all right.
Maybe I'm obsessed with the dog, but I love the dog, all right? If you did something wrong, I wouldn't kick you out of the house.
I would not have married jim If he had zeus at that time.
[dog barks.]
Hey! He's vicious.
He's unpredictable.
He makes my life miserable.
Let me see.
Open.
Open.
- Ugh.
- What's he doing? Just cleaning his wife's flesh out of the dog's teeth? I guess if you're gonna be attacked, It's nice if the dog has minty-fresh breath.
Natalie, I've always heard that dogs can sense fear.
Is there any way that this wife is provoking The dog in some way? Well, actually, according to the dog experts, When we are afraid, we tend to give off an odor, Which, apparently, a dog's very keen sense of smell Can detect.
Yeah, all right, but that's kind of a chicken And the egg kind of thing, isn't it? I mean, maybe the fear is caused by this.
[dog barks.]
- ah! [screaming.]
[laughter.]
- I'm sorry.
That dog has to go, tom.
The dog has to go.
That dog has to go to law school.
[laughter.]
Make a great lawyer.
Wonderful career as a lawyer, yeah.
- Incredible.
- All right.
As pack leader, I think I've heard enough.
I want to know where you stand, jerry.
Um-- "um"? [laughter.]
The wife.
I just feel-- He's crazy.
He's got to snap out of it, yeah.
You can't have a dog behaving like that in the house.
Kelly.
The wife.
The wife.
Emphatically, the wife.
And I noticed they had sea monkeys on the kitchen table.
They should be happy with those.
Alec.
I mean, I'm gonna have to vote for the wife, obviously.
But I think it's a shame, because I really Would be in favor of training the-- You know, trying out a different kind of training for the dog.
That's not that kind of show.
[laughter.]
They do that on the dog whisperer.
We don't do that here.
- They need a dog whisperer.
- Yeah.
No.
- I'm for the wife.
We're the dog thrower-outer.
All for the wife.
Three for the wife.
All right, let's go to north reading, massachusetts, And bring up the actual beauregards In their actual dog pen.
[cheers and applause.]
Hi, guys.
How you doing? Hi, tom.
How are you? Good to see you.
Is it safe? Everyone okay? - I think everyone's fine.
- No.
[laughter.]
All right, well, I've made up my mind And I'm ready to make the call.
[bell rings.]
[dog barks.]
Where is zeus? [crowd awws.]
Okay.
[dog barks.]
Jim, I'm sorry, But I just don't think you're making an effort here.
I mean, your dog is a menace A menace? And if your 78-year-old mother-in-law Has it coming to her, jim, you do too.
Maria, you win.
- I knew it! - Aww! [cheers and applause.]
You're out of here.
[dog barks.]
Maria, why do you think that zeus doesn't listen to you? Zeus doesn't listen to jim either.
Jim's under the impression that zeus listens to him, But he doesn't.
Zeus runs the house.
Zeus runs jim and zeus hates me And tries to kill me on a daily basis.
Why do you think zeus is going after her? Uh, that, I don't know.
You're not wearing bacon shoes.
I'm not wearing bacon shoes.
You would think that I were.
[dog barks.]
What the dog is basically saying is, "I don't like this dame.
" And if that's the case and you live together, Someone's got to go.
This dog's not going anywhere.
I'm stuck with him, but it's just nice to know That people see that he's nuts.
Yes, absolutely.
[laughter and applause.]
And that is really our job.
It's just to come into this-- You guys could fight forever and ever And it's my job to come in and say who's right and wrong And you are right, maria.
I could have told you that.
Yes.
Good luck to both of you.
[applause.]
For being such great sports, all our couples tonight Will receive a romantic second honeymoon To any of the three luxury-included sandals resorts In st.
Lucia.
[cheers and applause.]
Really? Thank you.
So that's our show.
We'd like to thank our panel of experts, Alec baldwin, kelly ripa, jerry seinfeld.
And especially to all our couples tonight, Thank you for letting us into your marriages Worth fighting for.
Now kiss and make up.
Thank you.
[al green's let's stay together.]
loving you whether whether times are good or bad happy or sad come on
It's embarrassing.
Do you think michelle obama would have said, "you're working too hard.
Stop it, please.
Like, you know" Please don't compare yourself to president obama.
"you want to be president, you have daughters.
" Never.
She would be, "absolutely, I believe in you.
" Oh, my god, I can't even go there with you.
You're so delusional.
Christopher columbus, albert einstein, All their spouses, All their significant others, I'm sure had been encouraging, Not demoralizing.
You haven't even heard my latest tracks.
What are the latest? It's gonna go on for ten more years Till you're 50? - No.
- And have no hair? And what-- Great, I have no hair.
I go to the gym, and I work out, And I shave my head, I grow a beard, I flip it.
You know what, erin, successful people have to work.
They have to-- but you're not successful! [hip-hop music.]
[applause.]
Now, obviously, she didn't see this coming, And a lot of women don't.
This is what we like to call a jack-in-the-box moment.
They think they have one husband, And then, [humming pop goes the weasel.]
"I'm krispy now!" [laughter.]
So the issue here is, should kris the businessman Be busting rhymes or punching the clock? Panel, what do you think? I didn't think the video was so bad.
"I crave the hot light, the spotlight Of broadway.
" No, it's bad.
It's bad.
Yeah, I have to agree with jerry.
I think the bottom line Is that his rhymes isn't dope.
As a 37-year-old white dad rapper, you know, In the rap world, You might as well be andy rooney at that point.
Yeah.
[imitating andy rooney.]
"why do they call it "spitting rhymes? "I don't spit when I rap, Least not intentionally.
" [applause.]
I think, uh My favorite moment of that whole package there Was when she informed him That he was never going to be j.
Lo, And he genuinely seemed shocked by that news.
I think what she's saying, though-- I mean, I kind of understand where she's coming from.
I think it's the way that she says it.
Right.
I mean, I totally agree with her, But I think that she's really kind of like, You know, bang bang, and he's going Crush him.
Right.
Yeah, but he's deep into this world.
You know, he needs a little bit of a shake.
- He needs a- - [makes punching sound.]
I think that's why she's being a little aggressive Is because this is a-- I mean, look at that picture on the top right there.
I mean, I love the little hair.
I love this doing this with the hair, Like people are gonna go, "what kind of crazy dude is this?" You got two little girls.
This is gonna be the provider here with? He's krispy.
And the "nyc.
" I love moving the "y" up between the "n" and the "c.
" Crazy.
But alec's right.
I mean, she's really tough on him.
At one point, she hits him with what we like to call A chinese gong moment.
But you're not successful! Bong! "I'm not successful?" That is tough for a man to hear, Like, right in your face from your wife.
Yeah.
"you're not successful!" Well, if she's not careful, He's gonna bust a cap in her.
That's what I like about you, kelly.
You're so street.
See, what I need to know, Is this an achievable dream for a guy like this? And at any point in the show where I need a harfact, I go to our just the facts ma'am, Nbc news' natalie morales.
[cheers and applause.]
So, natalie-- Natalie, how many Successful white rappers are there? Well, the music industry considers there to be Exactly 11 successful white rap acts.
All right, and of the 11 successful rappers That are white, Have any of them emerged from the business world? No.
Were any of them Already in their late 30s, Married, with a wife, and two daughters? No.
Regular carpool shift? No.
All right, so it could be tough.
I have a question.
Who are the other ten white successful rap acts? No, he's not in the 11.
No, I'm thinking of eminem.
Oh, eminem and, you know.
Actually, eminem started late.
He started in his late 20s, And he was already married and had a kid, so This guy's methuselah compared to him.
His late 20s.
It's a very slim pool.
He's gonna keep it going.
That's what's-- He says if he's still failing at 50, He's just gonna flip it.
Sad.
Nobody said being a visionary was gonna be easy.
Well, it's not like he's a limbless guy Who wants to become an olympic skier.
But it's close.
It's close.
Very close.
According to natalie, it's very close.
Big dream.
He's dreaming big.
He is dreaming big, but it might be too big.
Look at the guys he compares himself to.
This is unsettling for a wife to hear.
Christopher columbus, albert einstein, All their spouses, all their significant others, I'm sure had been encouraging.
I love the idea of christopher columbus' Significant other, that's a Yes, mrs.
Columbus.
"yeah, well, no, I can't really commit to you.
I'm on the road a lot, I'm exploring, you know?" Christopher columbus' wife: "you're not successful!" "you're going around the world And what?" All right, after this break, We'll find out which way the panel would like me to go, With the husband or the wife.
Announcer: Coming up But you do think that you couldn't defend-- Is that where I went wrong? I smell a spin-off.
We're back with the palestrinis.
He wants to rap, she wants to slap him.
You're gonna be a rap star at the age of 37? I look like I'm 27.
Just trust in me.
In your rapping skills.
Yeah, just say, "I trust you.
I trust you.
" I don't trust in your rap career, sorry.
I can't say that.
can't be stopped till the krispy kreme's on top This is so embarrassing.
[applause.]
I don't know.
I mean, part of it is okay.
He's trying to make a career, And he's trying to do something, like, big and crazy.
But he's also just a guy doing something on the side.
I mean, he's wearing ridiculous clothes, He's spending hours doing something That'll never amount to anything.
Is this any different from golf, really? Really.
Who's more delusional? Him or some guy hacking away In high grass for six hours? Yeah, but it's just a thing.
He's a guy doing a thing.
Guys--guys have-- Don't you think guys have to do irrational things Just as a way of functioning? Don't you do things that you couldn't defend? Yes.
Don't you have some sort of activities, Including this, by the way? Can you explain What reason you really have to be here? Do you have a hobby? Do you have a thing that you do? Do you-- yo, I have a hobby and you know what it is [applause.]
No, I'm kidding.
Yo, that was fly, though, for real.
Word, kelly.
She says that he's a good father, He's a good husband.
What's the problem? Let him go do his rhymes.
Yeah.
It's almost like if he wouldn't act Just so, like, delusional about it, It might be a little easier.
- Right.
- You know? I mean, I'm all for living fantasies.
You know? This isn't my suit.
I'm wearing makeup.
I've never seen this tie in my life.
Someone else tied this tie for me, But at least I'm aware of it, you know? Right.
This guy doesn't want to get pinned down on his age.
Can you show that again? I'm not 40.
I'm not at all.
You're gonna be 40 in 2 1/2 years.
No, I'm not, erin, don't lie.
No, you're not? Yes, you are.
You can't even admit when you were born? I think what would really hurt Is if they did get divorced, She married a real rap star.
Oh, no.
Oh, it'd kill him.
That would hurt.
Yeah, a guy named "krunchy.
" [laughter and applause.]
I was so close! So close! They meet at the kid's graduation.
"would you listen to this for me, krunchy? "a little thing I wrote.
"no? Okay.
Didn't mean to disturb you.
" Did you see her face at the end of that? Ohh! There's a lot going on there.
That is the essence of marriage right there, isn't it? This is the "who is this person, "and I can't believe I'm stuck with him Until I die" look.
All right, so what do you think? Jerry, husband or the wife? It's silly, but I do silly things.
It's harmless.
Let him do it.
I--I don't think-- - yeah? You know, she's not behind him, But that's fine, too.
But I kind of believe in silly.
I mean, that's how I got into my career, So I think I think silly's okay.
I'm with the husband.
Kelly? I think it's very important for couples To have their own individual identity, Something that occupies their time.
And if this gets him out of the house and away from her, I say, more power to him, And I think she should be thrilled to let him-- It's not like he's shirking his responsibilities at home, And he's not, you know, providing for them.
That's a good point.
You know, you never know.
Stranger things have happened.
What if she leaves him And then he makes something of himself? I think he's on tv right now.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Hello! I smell a spin-off.
[applause.]
Okay, two for krispy.
Alec? I'm gonna vote with him, because, once again, I refuse to believe that somebody just pops up one day And says, "baby? Shh, baby, wake up, I want to be a rap artist.
" - Yeah.
- That comes out of nowhere.
She must have seen some sign.
She must have known what he was all about That he had some kind of passion.
So I'm gonna vote with him, Because I think that, you know, it's harmless.
He's not saying, "honey, I want to be a grave robber.
" You know what I mean? All right, good advice.
Everyone's krispy.
We're all krispy.
Everyone's gone krispy crazy.
" Okay.
[applause.]
All right, thank you very much.
I am ready to make the call.
[bell clangs.]
Let's go to manhattan's upper west side And bring up the actual palestrinis.
[cheers and applause.]
- Hi.
- How you guys doing tonight? It's good to see you guys.
How you doin'? - Great.
- Good.
How are u? I am a little disappointed, krispy That the hair's not up.
Oh, the hair? Yeah, I kind of, uh Did the shave today.
I wanted to go clean-cut for the show.
I hope you like it.
Yeah.
I do like it.
I think you flipped it.
Thank you.
[laughs.]
All right, here's my call, guys.
Kris, I--I really think that you-- you work hard, You're providing for your family, You're not doing anything dishonest or evil.
I mean, when you look at it, the bottom line is, Erin--erin, you're just embarrassed by him.
Yes.
What wife isn't ultimately constantly, Inevitably embarrassed by her husband? Welcome to marriage.
[applause.]
Embrace the embarrassment.
Krispy, you get to keep on rappin'.
You win.
Yeah! [applause.]
I love it! Okay, krispy.
All right, buddy.
Great talking to you.
The call's been made.
Say good-bye to the palestrinis.
[cheers and applause.]
When we come back, We'll find out why she's a little irritated.
I'm not gonna back off, either! I'm sick of it! Announcer: Coming up, get ready to tweet.
This is a wacky group of people.
They got the princess and the pea bed, The motorcycle, The cat's squatting on the toilet.
I mean, I just want to talk About the cat some more.
If you'd like to be on the marriage ref, Start a fight with your spouse And then go to nbc.
Com.
Find out how you can appear on our show.
All right.
Next up, let's fan-boat through the exotic everglades, Florida's natural wetland, to romantic kissimmee And meet the burnses for a double dip.
I hired jimmy when I first saw him.
I was collecting metal.
Scrap metal.
I was not paying attention, 'cause I couldn't see him, 'cause he was so dirty.
I mean, I moved in a week later, was it? He swept me off my feet.
I fell in love with him.
Yeah.
- It worked.
See? [laughter.]
I feel it's the safest place in the house.
I can actually see it on my bed Through the double fireplace.
I picked a pretty good spot for it.
A man and his bike are one, you know? It doesn't talk back to me.
It doesn't yell at me.
It's not tired.
It's not irritable.
Jimmy, please.
The bike is gonna stay.
Just get the bike out of here.
It's been here a year.
It's been long enough.
It's gonna be five more.
I can't entertain anybody here In this living room.
We don't entertain anyone.
You're overbearing with this.
So? I can't entertain Because you have had this here for a year.
I can't bring anybody into this house.
It's embarrassing to me.
Well, that's why I'm cleaning it up.
I'm making it look more presentable.
The bike's not bothering anybody.
It's bothering me and I'm not gonna back off either! I'm sick of it! Bike's not doing anything wrong.
You're doing something wrong! The bike doesn't have a brain! You're supposed to! I don't want it to get scratched.
[laughter.]
- jimmy, you don't have any Respect for me.
I got a lot of respect, but the bike's staying.
I don't want to live this way.
- I do.
- I want my chairs around.
I want people to come over to the house.
You don't know anybody.
I know anybody.
I know people.
I don't know people.
You keep rubbing it.
What, you gonna get three wishes? [laughter and applause.]
I think the issue here is, "how do you teach a cat to do that?" [laughter.]
But back to the couple.
Motorcycle in the living room.
Panel, help me out.
I-I--I mean, I just want to talk about the cat some more.
Yeah, have you ever seen that? I've never seen that, but if she can teach that cat To do that, she can certainly teach him To take that motorcycle outside.
[laughter.]
That cat is showing some initiative.
I think the cat thinks, "this house is crazy.
I'm on my own.
" - yeah.
"I better figure my own thing out here, because--" Well, first of all, when you see The way they live, I mean, this is like-- All of a sudden, it's like the royal tenenbaums here, You know what I mean? They got the princess and the pea bed, The motorcycle, the cat squatting on the toilet.
All we need is gwyneth paltrow smoking in the bath tub.
It's like, "what are we doing?" This is a wacky group of people.
[laughter and applause.]
- right.
It's a good point.
I mean, let's-- he's right.
Let's take a look at this room.
You've got giant beer sign over here.
Right? Over here, you've got a street lamp.
Over here, an italian piazza.
What evidence is there really that this motorcycle Is actually indoors? [laughter and applause.]
They're a man-made canal away From pirates of the caribbean.
[laughter.]
The motorcycle is, like, the only thing That makes sense in this room.
You know, at the beginning of the taped piece, They seemed very affectionate, you know? They met, she thought he was dirty, They moved in a week later.
[laughter.]
And at the crux of it is the motorcycle, Which-- I mean, in the grand scheme of the room, Isn't that big a deal.
Really? You don't think it's that big a deal? In the grand scheme of that room, It seems like it fits in.
Well, when I was a kid, I used to ride motorcycles.
You ever ride a motorcycle? - Yes.
So you kind of get-- There's an affectionate-- You get close to a motorcycle.
Don't you think? But is there no-- There's not a garage to keep it in? No, he has a garage.
In fact, he has two other bikes in that garage.
But this is the harley, so.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
I like whales too, but I don't have one Suspended from the ceiling.
Jerry.
You do like whales? I love whales.
[laughter.]
Have you ever ridden a whale? [laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]
We're all waiting.
I got a good one, But this is a network show.
[laughter.]
We can sell it to cable.
I think that she should think of something That would maybe tick him off To, like--to counter and see how he likes it.
Like make the cat go in a litter box.
No.
Yes.
Or, like, in the bedroom, put a big, Like, roulette wheel.
And have the cat play roulette all night long.
And you just hear, "tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick," All night long and say, "how do you like it?" Something.
He has some refined coping skills.
Show him alone in the living room.
This is another classic male behavior.
This is unnecessary busy work that men do To shut out their mate.
It's something we like to call, "polishing the harley.
" [laughter.]
I didn't know "polishing the harley" Actually meant polishing the harley.
[laughter.]
Do you want him doing that outside? [laughter and applause.]
It would be great to see him riding it Around the living room, wouldn't it? Or to start it up and, like, rev it and go, "I can't hear you.
" [laughter.]
[imitates engine revving.]
[laughter.]
All right, thank you, panel.
But before I make this call, There's a whole other catfight Going on in the burns's household.
Mariah carey knows she's a no-good hussy And I know mariah carey's a no-good hussy.
[laughter and applause.]
She is a no-good hussy.
Announcer: This happens.
[laughter.]
Ooh! Okay.
Back to the burnses.
We've got a double-header with this couple.
Susan keeps complaining they have no visitors, But as you'll see, jim has one and you all know her.
[laughter.]
Mariah carey is the world to me.
It's more of the fantasy, you know? The idea of doesn't talk back.
You can turn her on, turn her off.
It's almost like a drug, so.
It's very soothing, you know? Music calms the savage beast.
That sort of thing.
Mariah carey is a no-good hussy And mariah carey knows she's a no-good hussy And I know mariah carey's a no-good hussy.
Open the door.
This afternoon, I had a mariah carey dvd On the television.
Open the door! My wife found out when I had it on there And I try to lock her out of the bedroom.
[knock on door.]
- open the door.
Jimmy, open the door.
I told you you're not allowed to have this on In this bedroom.
Why? Tell me why.
Because I want this witch out of my house.
- Okay, so I'll just-- - I don't want to see her.
I don't want to see you staring at her Well, I'm not staring.
'cause you're so in love with her.
- But I'm not staring.
- Turn her off.
I'll turn it down.
How's that? - Turn her off.
- We'll compromise.
- Turn her off.
- I'll compromise.
- Turn her off.
- I can turn it down.
- I can get rid of all her-- - well, wait a minute now.
What do you like about her? Why are you always looking at her? - She looks good, doesn't she? - No.
He stays in his own little world with mariah carey.
He has me.
I don't know why he wants mariah carey.
I want her off my television set.
I never liked her.
Before I ever met you, I hated her.
Well, you didn't tell me you didn't like her.
- I did tell you.
- No, you never told me.
I told you in the first year that I met you That I didn't like her.
You're involved with mariah carey.
I wasn't gonna get rid of my collection.
You're involved with mariah carey.
[cheers and applause.]
The issue here is, "should he have to give up His relationship with mariah carey?" So, panel, what do you think? I think that when you have grace kelly for a wife, What do you need mariah carey for? Yeah, absolutely.
A dainty little flower like this woman.
[laughter.]
Soft-spoken.
Genteel.
[laughter.]
Her voice like maple syrup on pancakes.
[laughter.]
- it's true.
It's very charming.
These people may have problems, But self-esteem isn't one of them.
Give me the "me" highlight again.
He has me.
I don't know why he wants mariah carey.
You got to love the confidence.
Well, I think mariah needs to back off, really.
[laughter.]
You know what I like about him though? I mean, he's not being mean to his wife, you know? He never yells at her.
He just knows what he likes and anything beyond that Is just theory.
"I like this singer.
"I like this bike.
I like this shirt.
What things do you like?" [laughter and applause.]
I think sometimes the state of florida Gets a bad rap and now we know why.
[laughter.]
Oh.
Natalie, help me out here.
What is it about mariah carey That makes her fans so passionate? Well, tom, she has the most number-one singles Of any solo artist and on top of that, She has a five-octave vocal range.
Wow.
Five octaves.
That's pretty wide.
I wonder, however, if she can hit this note.
The bike doesn't have a brain! You're supposed to! [laughter.]
I think it's that five-octave range That really gets him going too.
When he's polishing that harley [laughter.]
It's all going on in here.
[laughter and applause.]
He really goes into a trance state there, doesn't he? In that den? - He does.
Yeah.
Yeah, look at that.
Look at it.
[laughter.]
Yeah.
You know, I think the dalai lama Would meet him and go, "how do you get so out Of your own consciousness like that, you know?" You've really got some-- All right, panelists, which way do I go? Husband or the wife? And you can split 'em up if you want to.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- Oh.
We have two issues with the burnses.
Motorcycle and mariah carey.
Alec, you go first.
Well, I think, um, the guy's a meatball.
Let's face it.
And what he needs to do Is get on that motorcycle, put the headphones on, And play some mariah carey and go for a long bike ride.
You got to go-- I'm talking about, Like, cross-country.
Right.
Because, seriously, when you are married, You don't have to make your wife The most important thing in your life But you got to find a way to make her think She's the most important thing in your life.
You got to play that game.
And this guy hasn't figured that out.
Well, what does that mean? He's a meatball is what I'm saying here.
So bottom line, alec? - I vote for her on both counts.
- On both? You got to lose the mariah carey.
You got to lose the motorcycle.
Kelly? You know, right down the middle.
I think that he needs to get that motorcycle Into the garage.
Uh-huh? And she needs to let him have mariah carey.
I mean, he's not really there.
[laughter.]
Okay, jerry? I think if he gets rid of the mariah carey, She'll let him have the motorcycle Uh-huh? Which I would prefer.
[laughter.]
Maybe just move it up a little bit In the corner, you know, by the piazza and, You know, maybe-- maybe, you know-- Maybe get a vespa.
Nobody will notice it.
Cappuccino bar or something.
But you can't annoy your wife like that.
She is a no-good hussy.
I think she's right.
[laughter.]
Great observations, panel.
After the break, we'll go to the actual home Of the burnses in florida.
[cheers and applause.]
Announcer: Coming up Seems like these pets have become the new mistress.
That cat is his mistress.
Announcer: Plus, find out what he's so mad about.
[dog barks.]
All right, I'm ready to make the call.
Let's go to kissimmee to welcome the real-life burnses In their real-life home.
[cheers and applause.]
Well, here we are.
Thanks for coming on the show.
I love both of you guys.
- Thanks for having us.
- Thank you.
The motorcycle, I have to say, In the living room? Beyond insane.
Blasting mariah carey videos in front of your wife? I have to say, inconsiderate.
But, and I hate to stir up controversy, Jim, the way you defend yourself Yeah? Without raising your voice or belittling your wife In any way, I think shows your love for susan.
And frankly, I've never seen a guy-- Yeah, see? [laughter.]
I have-- [laughter continues.]
He's right.
- [imitates engine revving.]
And I have never-- [laughter.]
I have never seen a guy make arguments like this In my life.
To me, you're like batman.
Right or wrong, I just feel better Knowing you're out there.
[laughter and applause.]
Jim.
- No, see? - I love you.
Thank you.
See? You love her and I think you're showing it In a great way, so, jim, The bike and video stay.
You win! [crowd awws.]
yeah! Thank you.
Thank you.
[cat meows.]
See? That's wonderful.
Now I can give you a kiss.
[laughter and applause.]
It worked out, sue.
[cat growls.]
Get him off the table.
Um.
Tom? Tom? [cheering.]
Would you put the-- Will you stop it? - Will you stop? It's my cat, sue.
Please.
So-- [laughter.]
I love you, buddy.
Susan has a problem with his relationship With mariah carey but not with the cat? You're playing with the wrong one.
Oh, no.
Come on now, sue.
[crowd gasping.]
[indistinct.]
Oh, I'm so mad at you.
Now you got the motorcycle and you've got mariah still.
- Jim, on second thought - Yeah? You lose everything.
[laughter and applause.]
Can't look.
I can't look.
Oh, come on.
Bye, burnses! [applause.]
All right.
Now let's clatter down The historical cobblestone streets Of north reading, massachusetts, And meet the beauregards, whose argument Has just a little bit of bite to it.
She caught my eye about 17 years ago.
She was a cocktail waitress.
I was a bartender.
I didn't really notice him.
One day, he came in and he had a business suit And a raincoat and a briefcase And I said, "whoa, you have a real job.
" I wasn't sticking with a bartender.
[laughter.]
Zeus is my best friend.
It is unconditional love.
Open.
Zeus is a psychopathic, Narcissistic, rotten maggot.
[dog barks.]
[gasps.]
Oh, zeus.
If jim was to pass away, I'd send zeus to the glue factory, Because I would never do this to another family.
[dog barks.]
People can't even come in this house.
It's barking 24-hour incessant.
He bites me again, he's going.
- He's going? - Yeah, he's going.
He's going where? He's out of here.
I can't live like this.
- He's out of here? - Yeah.
I can't live like this.
He's out of here? [dog barks.]
I trained the dog, okay? And he--j-- hey! I trained the dog to listen to commands, okay? But you won't do it.
Instead, you'll- -zzt! You'll zap him! He bites me.
[dog barks.]
ah! [screaming.]
Zeus! Why, instead of cowering in the corner Every time the dog growls, Why don't you try to train with the dog? I'm afraid of the dog.
He's a teenage dog.
What did you do when you were a teenager? I smoked cigarettes, I hung down the park, and I didn't bite people.
Maria, stop it.
He's not going anywhere.
I'm not keeping this dog.
Why? Because my house is crazy.
Your house? You don't even under-- Your house? - He bit my 78-year-old mother.
Maybe she had it coming.
She had it coming? Maybe she did something to the dog that made her upset-- Made the dog upset.
Jim, even a lion tamer doesn't let the tiger Bite anybody.
Tell that to siegfried and roy.
[laughter.]
You're nuts.
[dog growls.]
[dog barks.]
[laughter and applause.]
So the issue here is, "what do you do about A crazy, fluffy, shark dog in the house?" Panel, what do you think? Well, you have an attack dog trying to kill your wife.
He's trying to bite your wife.
- Yeah.
How did he get there? And he's defending the dog.
And he's taking the dog's side.
It seems like these pets have become The new mistress almost.
I mean, it's really disturbing.
You saw the guy with the cat.
I mean, that was-- [laughter.]
That cat is his mistress.
I think she should slip him a very powerful drug.
The husband.
- The husband.
He's out.
He's naked.
You cover him in honey and put fire ants all over his body.
And when he wakes up screaming, you say, "what's the big deal? They're my pets.
" [laughter.]
"they're my pets.
" And they're biting him.
What's wrong? When you hear a woman describe like, "I didn't want to marry him.
"I wasn't interested in this guy.
Then he came in with a trench coat and a briefcase.
" And this completely charms and she fa--and marries.
"I'll spend the rest of my life with this guy.
He bought a coat.
" [laughter.]
Well, what does that mean? Is that how women work? Is that how they evaluate a man? "okay, t-shirt.
Trench coat.
Rest of my life.
" Is that where I went wrong? My rainwear? Your rainwear, yeah.
What is he doing on the treadmill there also? Yeah.
Walking at a 1/2 a mile an hour With the dog in his street clothes.
[laughter.]
How about the siegfried and roy argument? Who takes the tiger's side? [laughter.]
He ate a guy.
But could you imagine siegfried and roy? The one guy gets mangled.
He gets mauled.
He's in the hospital.
He's laying there.
He's nearly dead.
His friend says, "you got to hold on.
"you need to hang on.
I need you to hang on.
I love you.
I'll do anything for you.
" He says, "all right, do one thing for me.
Kill that tiger that bit me.
" And the guy says, "that, I can't do.
" [laughter.]
"that, I won't do.
" - "he's my best friend.
" - "he's my best friend.
" [laughter.]
-"he's my best friend.
" We'll have more of this dog fight When we come back.
Announcer: Coming up, kelly and jerry In a dog fight of their own.
I want to know where you stand, jerry.
Um-- "um"? [laughter.]
Okay, it's the beauregard versus zeus title bout.
You're obsessed with this dog.
Obsessed? Obsessed, compulsed, in love, whatever it is.
Maria, all right.
Maybe I'm obsessed with the dog, but I love the dog, all right? If you did something wrong, I wouldn't kick you out of the house.
I would not have married jim If he had zeus at that time.
[dog barks.]
Hey! He's vicious.
He's unpredictable.
He makes my life miserable.
Let me see.
Open.
Open.
- Ugh.
- What's he doing? Just cleaning his wife's flesh out of the dog's teeth? I guess if you're gonna be attacked, It's nice if the dog has minty-fresh breath.
Natalie, I've always heard that dogs can sense fear.
Is there any way that this wife is provoking The dog in some way? Well, actually, according to the dog experts, When we are afraid, we tend to give off an odor, Which, apparently, a dog's very keen sense of smell Can detect.
Yeah, all right, but that's kind of a chicken And the egg kind of thing, isn't it? I mean, maybe the fear is caused by this.
[dog barks.]
- ah! [screaming.]
[laughter.]
- I'm sorry.
That dog has to go, tom.
The dog has to go.
That dog has to go to law school.
[laughter.]
Make a great lawyer.
Wonderful career as a lawyer, yeah.
- Incredible.
- All right.
As pack leader, I think I've heard enough.
I want to know where you stand, jerry.
Um-- "um"? [laughter.]
The wife.
I just feel-- He's crazy.
He's got to snap out of it, yeah.
You can't have a dog behaving like that in the house.
Kelly.
The wife.
The wife.
Emphatically, the wife.
And I noticed they had sea monkeys on the kitchen table.
They should be happy with those.
Alec.
I mean, I'm gonna have to vote for the wife, obviously.
But I think it's a shame, because I really Would be in favor of training the-- You know, trying out a different kind of training for the dog.
That's not that kind of show.
[laughter.]
They do that on the dog whisperer.
We don't do that here.
- They need a dog whisperer.
- Yeah.
No.
- I'm for the wife.
We're the dog thrower-outer.
All for the wife.
Three for the wife.
All right, let's go to north reading, massachusetts, And bring up the actual beauregards In their actual dog pen.
[cheers and applause.]
Hi, guys.
How you doing? Hi, tom.
How are you? Good to see you.
Is it safe? Everyone okay? - I think everyone's fine.
- No.
[laughter.]
All right, well, I've made up my mind And I'm ready to make the call.
[bell rings.]
[dog barks.]
Where is zeus? [crowd awws.]
Okay.
[dog barks.]
Jim, I'm sorry, But I just don't think you're making an effort here.
I mean, your dog is a menace A menace? And if your 78-year-old mother-in-law Has it coming to her, jim, you do too.
Maria, you win.
- I knew it! - Aww! [cheers and applause.]
You're out of here.
[dog barks.]
Maria, why do you think that zeus doesn't listen to you? Zeus doesn't listen to jim either.
Jim's under the impression that zeus listens to him, But he doesn't.
Zeus runs the house.
Zeus runs jim and zeus hates me And tries to kill me on a daily basis.
Why do you think zeus is going after her? Uh, that, I don't know.
You're not wearing bacon shoes.
I'm not wearing bacon shoes.
You would think that I were.
[dog barks.]
What the dog is basically saying is, "I don't like this dame.
" And if that's the case and you live together, Someone's got to go.
This dog's not going anywhere.
I'm stuck with him, but it's just nice to know That people see that he's nuts.
Yes, absolutely.
[laughter and applause.]
And that is really our job.
It's just to come into this-- You guys could fight forever and ever And it's my job to come in and say who's right and wrong And you are right, maria.
I could have told you that.
Yes.
Good luck to both of you.
[applause.]
For being such great sports, all our couples tonight Will receive a romantic second honeymoon To any of the three luxury-included sandals resorts In st.
Lucia.
[cheers and applause.]
Really? Thank you.
So that's our show.
We'd like to thank our panel of experts, Alec baldwin, kelly ripa, jerry seinfeld.
And especially to all our couples tonight, Thank you for letting us into your marriages Worth fighting for.
Now kiss and make up.
Thank you.
[al green's let's stay together.]
loving you whether whether times are good or bad happy or sad come on