The Marriage Ref (2010) s01e06 Episode Script

Jimmy Fallon, Sheryl Crow, Kirstie Alley

Oh my God! Can we say ? - No.
- Oh.
- No.
But do you feel like you can change your look? Yeah, but I'm a rock star.
- So what do I do now, papa? - Rematch! Now here's the marriage ref, tom papa.
Hi, welcome to the marriage ref.
I'm tom papa.
For years, you've enjoyed Picking apart celebrity marriages.
Here, we let celebrities pick apart your marriage.
Well, panel, thank you for being here.
Welcome, welcome.
Here's the way this works.
We watch each couple.
I discuss it with these guys.
They try and convince me who's right-- The husband or the wife- and I make the call.
So here we go.
Let's jump in a coal car and wobble Into rustic gilbertsville, pennsylvania To meet the mauers, Who could be in the middle of writing a book called Arguing for dummies.
We met when we were both in junior high.
I just was so infatuated with her.
I wanted to marry her when I met her in eighth grade.
She disappeared.
I said, "where's the hot redhead?" Mm.
It's just too bad that you have to have a hobby That really makes me uncomfortable.
They're creepy to me.
I don't get the creeped-out factor.
If I see 'em sitting somewhere in the middle of the night, They scare me.
Out of the corner of my eye, there's people there That shouldn't be there.
You would take a double take And think that that was a human being? Yes.
I see that some of them are more sinister than others.
I get that, but you are too bright To think that it's gonna come to life.
I know it's not gonna come to life.
But it's my first reaction, Like, if I'm walking by.
It's like one of the kids are standing there, And I look and it's not one of the kids.
Every, like, chucky and-- Chucky wasn't a ventriloquist dummy.
Chucky's got nothing to do with this.
He looks like them.
He doesn't look at all like them.
What's your name? zarlu.
Is that really your name? Oh, my god.
- He's lovable.
- He's not lovable.
Teddy bears are lovable.
I'm not expecting you or asking you To fall in love with ventriloquism or dummies, But I just wish you could be a little more supportive Of the fact that you know that it makes me happy.
I bet all your buddies, They don't have them all around the house.
They have rooms dedicated to them.
They have them on shelves.
They have them in display cases.
Are they married? Why do they have to be around the house? I would walk around the house all day with this guy.
This whole thing just doesn't make any sense.
That's true.
So the issue here is, what do you do If your spouse doesn't like your friends? Panel? That's creepy.
I mean, one looked like me a little bit, And then-- That's the me-- that's the me doll.
- That's you there? - It looks like me, right? That's the jimmy.
Guy has a me puppet.
And then the other one was clay aiken.
He had a clay aiken puppet at the end.
Kirstie, were you creeped out by this guy? Do we get to say what we feel? You can do it right now.
Okay, I vote that he gets to keep them, But he has to put them in another room.
- Or a house in back.
- Yes, or a house in the back.
- A dollhouse, perhaps.
- Exactly.
I agree.
- How is that not creepier If you're building a house for them? I just don't think you want zardon Entering into the- - zardon.
That one was-- That one was really creepy, wasn't it? And I like how the alien's wearing a nasa uniform.
Wait, I don't understand, so the alien-- So the alien came to earth and is working for nasa? Right.
Yeah, the puppet could also kinda be gilbert gottfried too, The other one.
- yeah.
that is crazy.
What kind of a puppet is this? That's not right.
Why are you always playing with zorlon? All right, I need a fact here.
Whenever I need a fact, I go to our very own "just the facts ma'am," From nbc news, the lovely natalie morales.
Natalie, does jim just collect these things, Or is he a ventriloquist himself? Well, no, it's actually just a hobby.
He's actually a grade school teacher.
frightening So it's normal for him to have A lot of little people around.
Kirstie, did you ever have any weird collections? - I have lemurs.
- Lemurs? How many? Well, 12.
But I have them in their own space.
They're in their own house.
I'm sorry, you have lemurs in their own house? I have a lemur compound that's like a zoo, And then I have a lemur compound.
- Really? - Yeah.
But that's why I'm not married, see? yeah, yeah.
That's very good.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
I love how he changes their clothes too.
Look at this.
What is the dummy doing that he needs new pants? This doll wets itself, yeah.
- I vote for him, though.
- You do? If she hadn't been with him since she was 13, I would-- If he just did this overnight, I would say, "oh.
" I would say, "get a divorce.
" She's trying to act like she doesn't know what's up, And she does.
- Right.
Sheryl? I think you make a good argument.
I say, move them somewhere else.
So you're going with the wife? I'm going with the man.
Jimmy, which way are you going? I'm going with her.
Yeah, I'm going with the wife.
Yeah, the hot redhead, yep.
- The hot redhead.
- Do you want him to burn them? Do you want him to get rid of them? No, no.
I want the dummies to have all their pants on And be in their own area.
All right, thank you very much.
I'm ready to make the call.
Let's go to gilbertsville, pennsylvania And bring up the actual mauers In their actual munchkin land.
Oh, come on! Oh! Look, the's a baby.
That's the one in the back.
Okay, I'm changing my vote.
I'm changing my vote.
Yeah, that's-- One of the dolls has had a baby.
Oh, yeah.
It's had a baby.
The one in the red in the back.
Is that me and conan o'brien? He has late night puppets.
Hey guys, great to see you.
How you doing tonight? - Doing great.
- Great.
not so good.
Oh, it's creepy.
All right, guys, here's my call.
The panel was a little split.
We kinda have a little bit of a creepy factor.
But sheryl was saying, And I'm kind of in agreement with sheryl, Jim, you have an interesting hobby, It's without a doubt.
But here's the problem.
These little people are out of control.
One's checking the thermostat, Another's grabbing a cold one out of the mini fridge.
Jim, it's time to change their pants And put them away.
Lynda, you win.
this isn't happening.
- Thank you very much.
- Wait! You're on national television.
Why couldn't the puppet wear shoes? This is a highly-rated show.
Why do you change their pants? why do we change their pants? Why does anyone change their pants? Because we're alive.
We're real people.
Well, great talking to you guys.
The call has been made.
Say good-bye to the mauers, everybody.
- Bye.
- Thanks.
When we come back, We'll find out what caused this snag.
Oh, my god! Oh, my god! I have to have sex with you.
I'm all, "that's not working for me.
" Coming up, the panelists need a ref.
Sheryl and I voted on the same, And then you went with him in your pocket Like he's your little bitch.
And later, this curveball Tom picks one of the panelists To take over the show.
I'm gonna give the final call To one of you three tonight.
All right, let's hop on a river raft And huck finn down the majestic potomac, Drifting ashore into lush and leafy vienna, virginia, Where we'll meet the drewers.
Milt is concerned that his hair today May result in his being gone tomorrow.
We met as realtors.
And I remember getting to my cubicle.
She came up the steps, And I looked to the dude next to me, And I said, "I'm gonna marry that girl someday.
" He--he just made me laugh.
From the bottom depths of my soul, I beg you to change it back.
I have to keep the entire look, Because I gotta look like the look That they're selling on television.
It's a long shot.
- I'm putting a lot of this- - it's not a long shot.
It's putting in an effort into putting-- I've already been-- Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god.
I don't know what you're doing.
I don't know what you're doing.
Well, that's not working for me.
Look at that wine glass.
I'm not culinary-school trained, But I'm a very good cook.
I make a cap'n crunch crab cake.
I use crushed up cap'n crunch cereal.
You got to look at this as me reinventing myself.
- Okay, but you're 34.
- 34 is like 20.
You don't start living till you turn 34.
She's not gonna divorce me over this.
You bleached that hair behind my back.
Behind your back? I didn't go sleep with a prostitute.
I enjoy a new look once in a while.
I don't like it.
It's not attractive to me.
And I have to have sex with you.
You don't have any valid points.
I don't have any valid points? I have blond hair.
Who gives a ? Yes! The issue here is the hair.
Should your spouse have veto power Over your style choices? Panelistas.
- Wait, can I just say, "oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god!" "oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
" I think the cap'n crunch, whatever that was, though-- Crab cake? Crab cake--is what's gonna sell him, not the hair.
I mean, don't you guys want to taste that? I mean, that just sounds like good eating to me.
He wants to look like a celebrity chef, But that guy already-- Like, guy fieri, right? That's the guy.
I mean, I'm not saying, like, the look is-- My point is not that the guy looks like an idiot.
My point is that idiot already exists.
But look, she has got a vat o' wine.
Oh, my god, I've never seen a bigger goblet of wine.
"ahh! Oh, my god! "oh, my god! Oh, my god, your hair.
Oh, my god.
" Classic white wine fight.
Straight out of the box.
It's a mid-afternoon white wine fight.
Look at that- that's a bottle of wine.
That's a bottle of chardonnay.
It's like a kiddie pool with a stem on it.
It is.
Why does somebody get to have jurisdiction Over their spouse's hair? That's what I don't get.
That's a good question.
I think this is why people get divorces.
It's why I've gotten seven or eight Or whatever.
You like them.
It's just easier to live alone And have lemurs or something.
I like his hair.
I think he looks-- Look, I like the way he looks better now Than he looked then, and I think he does look, you know-- He looks like he's in smash mouth now.
- He does.
- I think so.
somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me Yeah.
You like him? You like the-- He looks more like a star on the right Than he does on the left, And I think that he wants-- It doesn't matter if he does or he doesn't-- Can we say ? - No.
- No.
It doesn't-- You can.
You can but it's gonna get, like, beep, beep.
- You can't say that.
- I didn't know if this-- Okay, anyway, so he doesn't- it's a family show.
- Go ahead.
- It is a family show? - Yeah.
- Okay.
I think that it-- She also is mean.
She invalidated him.
She said, "nobody starts a career when they're 34.
" That was mean.
Get your hair--what is-- Well, 34? Starting to live at 34, really? I didn't start acting until I was 30.
She's mean to her husband because she's That's just-- And her vote doesn't count if she's gonna be All drunky mcdrunkster all the time.
Sheryl, do you feel like you can change your look As you go just for your job-- - yeah, but I'm a rock star.
That is so cool.
I agree with that.
You can say that if you're sheryl crow, yeah.
To be able to say, "I'm a rock star," How cool that is.
His giant watch, by the way.
These people--look at this.
They live in a house full of oversized things.
It's time for a drink, honey.
Get out the bottle of wine.
You could tell from all the way over there.
Yeah, it's time for a drink.
I'm looking at my giant clock.
It looks like happy hour.
There's the giant harry potter clock.
What does he do for a living? - Natalie? - Actually, he's a realtor.
- He's a realtor.
- That makes sense.
Has he ever worked professionally as a chef? He has not.
He bills himself as a home-taught chef.
Well, what's the difference between that And just making something to eat? - I don't know.
- Home-taught chef, yeah.
You gotta go to that place.
There's a home-taught chef working there now.
Fantastic food, I think.
All right, bottom line, Who do you think I should go for-- Husband or the wife? Sheryl, I'm gonna start with you.
- I'm gonna say the husband.
- The husband.
When they got married, she had dark hair And he had dark hair.
Now she's got blonde hair, But he's not allowed to have blonde hair, so That's a good point.
I'm voting for him.
Going for the husband, very interesting.
Jimmy? - I'm going for the wife.
Going for the wife? Why? - Well, he's just- -he's gotta stop it somewhere.
You got the clothes, you got the neon hair.
You know, now, you know, nothing matches.
Kirstie? Well, look, the real estate market Isn't, you know, at the top of its game right now.
And I like that he's thinking forward.
I think there's a little trend going here, That we like the men's and you like the girl, And you're really showing a lot of favoritism.
I'm not gonna-- And that's just the way I feel about the whole subject.
I wouldn't even buy a house from this guy.
You're mean! Are you gonna buy a house from this guy? All right, they're telling me we have another cup of drewers To throw in this recipe, so let's take a look.
This is not the milt I married.
It's not the milt that I married.
Ever since you've met me, I've always frosted the tips Of my hair.
This is not the first time I've done this.
My nickname for god sakes is "goldie.
" This isn't my first try at peroxide.
Okay, can I change my vote back? I change my vote.
Yeah, I'm with you now.
I'm with you now.
It's not his first rodeo With the peroxided hair.
Midlife crisis.
- Give me a drink.
- Did that change it for you? I'm done.
I vote for-- oh, I don't like her either.
No, I don't want her either.
You're gonna vote goldie? It's the drinky or the blondie, Or the drinky or the blondie.
- I'm going with the wife.
- You're going for the wife? Yeah, sorry, goldie.
You gotta pick husband or wife, sheryl.
What's it gonna be? I'm still gonna go with him.
I am, I'm gonna say, hey, support, support, and-- I'm gonna go with him because of her.
Oh, come on! - She's a rock star! - Yes, she is.
Whoo! She might have some rock star guys hanging around.
All right, thanks, I'm ready to make the call.
Let's go to vienna, virginia and bring up The actual drewers in their cap'n crunch cafe.
Hey, guys.
Thanks for being on our show.
How are you tonight? - Awesome, awesome.
- We're great.
All right, milt, here's my call.
What jimmy said, I think, in the beginning of the argument Really, really hit home with me.
Milt, I know you think the hair will help your career, I do.
But the blond hair thing, I have to say, As blown away as I was the first time I saw This guy, this guy, This girl, this guy, And my barista at starbucks, I think I'm just on the other side of it now.
Stacy's right.
This is not the look for you.
Congratulations, stacy.
You win.
Thank you! Thank you! - You guys are in cahoots.
- That's a good call.
Good call, ref.
Good call, ref.
Great call.
- It's not fair, papa.
Good call, ref.
Give me some of that wine! I say shave-- Shave the beard too, by the way, I think.
Thank you.
No, I hate it.
She loves it.
Ahh! Take it, take it.
I think the look is a good-- So what do I do now, papa? Change it up.
- Go black.
- Dreads.
Dreads! Black.
be the dreadlock chef, man.
You like cap'n crunch, man? - Cap'n crunch! - This is great, yeah.
Come on, jimmy fallon.
You're my boy.
You gotta do it.
Grow the dreads, man.
You gotta grow some dreadlocks.
That's the one look that hasn't been taken, the dreadlocks.
You'd be the first white dude with dreadlocks On the food network.
I have a question about the show.
Go ahead, kirstie.
Because sheryl and I voted on the same, And then you just went with him in your pocket Like he's your little .
And then you just, like, boom.
Can you say on this show? - Sure.
- Because--you can't? You know what, jimmy? You can.
All right, thanks.
Mother-- Shouldn't there be a celebrity death match or something? Two? Unanimous.
No, it's not unanimous.
- Kirstie.
- What? Welcome to the marriage ref.
Did I get a vote from kirstie-- Did I get a vote from any of the women or-- The women wanted you to keep your hair However you wanted.
The women liked it.
Thank you! - Jimmy and I-- - thank you.
Jimmy and I are actually helping you with this call.
Jimmy and tom are dating.
You gotta change your look.
It's so obvious to me now.
I heard the rumors and- - calm down.
Calm down, lemur lady.
The call is final.
Great talking to you guys.
Say good-bye to the drewers, everybody.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
We're gonna take a quick break And come back to this tantalizing taunt.
I'm your wife.
You're supposed to feed me.
Bring it on.
Bring it on.
Coming up, kirstie caught in a web of lies.
I think I'm with you-- You're with her and you don't even know what she's doing.
She doesn't even know what she's doing.
Yeah, you don't even know what she's doing.
Busted! Busted! - Ah-ha! Ah-ha! Okay, let's monorail in To america's vacation paradise, Orlando, florida, For an all-day fun pass with george and ellena mczeal.
They have a simmering issue that's quickly coming to a boil.
Number one, he was a gentleman.
Number two, he was very compassionate.
So we dated, And we dated, and we dated, and we dated.
We actually dated for ten whole years.
- That's another book.
What are we having for dinner tonight? Did you cook anything for dinner tonight? I would love to be asked sometime Instead of to just be assumed that that's-- I just thought because I was working today That you would go on and cook.
I'm tired of, you know, you just coming in and saying, "what's for dinner?" You know, like, if I'm a chef-- I'm not a chef.
- Okay, wait a minute.
- Like, all of a sudden, Now you're oprah and you got a chef.
Yeah, I'm not the chef.
Wait a minute.
You're the one who says, "I'm not a cook.
I'm a chef.
" I am a chef.
All right, could you be a chef tonight? You got me cooking.
You got me shopping.
Are you trying to say you're overworked? - Yes, I am.
- Oh, give me a break, george.
- I'm overworked by you.
- You know what? I thought that we had gotten into a routine.
Uh, no.
I don't know what I'm gonna have, But I know I'm not cooking it, And I'm not buying anything, Because I took you out the other night.
Don't act like you did me a favor.
I'm your wife.
You're supposed to feed me.
Let me show you something right here.
It says, " and two shall become one.
" So you're supposed to take care of me and honor me.
Yeah, but it doesn't say anything about cooking.
You fix dinner, you're honoring me.
How 'bout when you fix dinner? You don't think you're honoring me? You cook really quick compared to me.
Oh, the truth comes out.
You're not interested in cooking.
Do you remember all the times you came over on Friday night And I would say to you, "I'm not cooking.
" No, I'm glad you bringing this out 'cause-- And you said, "dear, don't worry about cooking tonight.
I'll cook.
" And then you would cook the whole weekend.
You are trying to live on something That's so far in the past till it isn't funny.
I don't even have hair now.
You know, I could show you a picture Where back then I had hair.
Do I look like I have hair? Well, guess what, I ain't cooking either.
Meanwhile, what are we gonna eat? So the issue here is, can you go on strike In your own house and say, "I know that's my job.
I'm not doing it anymore.
" Panel? - Does he work? - He's retired.
He was in the army.
So he stays at home and she has a job? She's a social worker full-time, yep.
Oh, huh.
I like how he's so experienced in marriage That he knows he's gonna need a towel in this fight.
- I know, he's like- - he's toweling off.
That's great.
Slaving over a hot computer.
Why is he so exhausted if he's retired? "tired" is in the word "retired.
" I just think he wants a little appreciation, A little love.
He wants a little love.
And maybe she's just too used to him cooking for her.
Like, she should just come and say thank you.
- I think I'm with you.
- What are you doing? You're with her and you don't even know what she's doing.
Yeah, you don't even know what she's doing.
Busted! Busted! - Ah-ha! Ah-ha! Busted.
Jimmy and I are thinking things out, And you're just like, "oh, I'm with the rock star.
That's where I'm going.
" Do you do your own cooking? Uh, apparently.
Um I-- Are you a good cook? - I'm a great cook.
- You're a great cook.
But I--you know, the thing is That I think if she was just nicer to him, He would--and if she appreciated him.
If she just said, "oh, my god, I love the way you do this.
"you know, this is worth $1,000 week To have you cook these meals.
" - Yeah, show a little love.
- That's a big thing.
She needs to show a little love.
So you're going with the husband? Yeah, I always go with the dudes, don't I? Yes, you do.
Jimmy? Jimmy, which way you going? I'm going with the husband too.
You're going with the husband too? Yeah, he's very funny, first of all too.
He is funny.
He's very cosby-esque.
Oh, he's fantastic.
Yeah, he's a little cosby-esque.
you know, The thing about pudding-- Cooking for so many years.
Now when you do the cooking, You must take the thing, put the thing.
He's a funny guy, And I think they'll work it out.
Yeah, I'm siding with him.
Okay, two husband.
Which way you gonna go, sheryl? - I'm siding with bill cosby.
- Bill cosby.
Three for bill cosby.
Okay, thanks.
I'm ready to make the call.
Let's go to orlando, florida and bring up The actual mczeals in the kitchen's closed cafe.
Oh, they're so cute.
Oh, I love them.
Great to see you guys.
You're adorable.
Thanks for being on our show.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
What'd you guys eat tonight? We haven't eaten dinner.
He didn't cook.
Past our bedtime also.
It's our bedtime.
All right, here's my call.
We have three people on the panel.
They're all going one way, and I'm gonna join them.
One thing any cook worth his salt has to know Is when the dish is done.
And ellena, george is done.
He's burnt, he's fried, he's toast.
Congratulations, george, you win.
Thank you.
I disagree.
I dis-- And because we like you so much, I've got a special extra prize for you.
Ellena, you want someone to cook? George, you want hair? How 'bout a cook with hair? Milt "goldie" drewer.
There he is.
All right.
I love it! Here's a guy who lives to cook.
Here's a couple who needs a cook to live.
Can we work something out? If he comes cheap.
Is he a cook on tv? He is now.
- Uh, no! - He is now.
Whoo! What you're gonna eat here guys-- And I know you're hungry.
This is a sample of milt's cooking-- Cap'n crunch crab cakes.
Oh, I gotta know.
How is it? Take a bite.
Tell us what you think.
Okay, I'm just gonna taste this.
Taste it.
She's nervous.
She's nervous about eating.
- It's delicious.
- Hold on, goldie.
- Mm.
- Goldie? - Wow.
- This is great.
- George loves it.
- They love it.
This is good.
I need some louisiana hot sauce but-- It's good.
They both love it.
Thank you.
Will you be here every night When I arrive home from work? Every night when you come home, on the table, Ready to go.
As long as we don't have to put him up.
This guy's awesome.
- He's cute.
- Yeah.
All right, well, great talking to you guys.
Happy we made you all happy.
The call has been made.
Say good-bye to the mczeals, everybody.
Bye, mczeals.
- And goldie.
- Bye, folks.
Bye, america.
Coming up, jimmy's caught in a cat fight.
Meow! - Always with the girl.
It's gonna be nag team tag team all over again.
- I hear you.
- I'm his .
Plus this sparkling gem I live on the road with a bunch of men.
I know my urinals.
All right, let's toss on our flip-flops and ray bans And speedboat down the jersey shore To shimmering somers point, Where we'll meet the fitzpatricks.
Brian wants to take a stand, and caren can't stand it.
I got a job at a local meat market, And the day I got hired I met caren.
She was loading a milk display.
She stood up and turned around And smiled at me, And a lightning bolt hit me, honestly.
And, uh, I knew we'd be married.
This is a small home improvement That I really want.
It's not a home improvement.
It is.
We're adding something to the house.
It's a home detriment.
You're adding something that's not valuable.
This is it-- Sanitary, small, comfortable.
It's like a racing urinal.
This is a good one.
This can't come in the house.
This would be my urinal of choice.
It's older.
It projects out into the room.
It has all the qualities I'm looking for in a urinal, Unlike the newer models, Which are flat and too generic for me.
Nobody wants urinals in their house, brian.
I do.
Maybe we could put an offer on this.
Look, it's gonna overflow.
It's ugly, it's gross, it's institutional.
This is not an asylum.
Speed, comfort, saving the earth-- All big issues.
We need a urinal.
It smells.
I will tend to the urinal.
The downstairs bathroom is the third bathroom.
It's not really one that the guests use.
Brian, the guest room is downstairs.
That is the guest bathroom.
You're watching a football game, You dash in, put a tack board up there So that you can put today's newspaper on there, And you're ready.
Nobody wants a urinal in their house.
I do.
Things that start with "urine" shouldn't be in the house.
Guess you have to stand to pee To realize how important this is.
I don't think so.
So the issue is, Should you put the most disgusting part Of a sports bar in your home? Panel? Does every urinal have to use those nasty urinal cakes? How do you know about those? 'cause I live on the road with a bunch of men.
I know my urinals.
Can you use a urinal? Can I use one? Are you kidding? I can do a lot of things.
You're a rock star.
I'm a rock star.
No, I've never attempted.
I don't even know how that would work.
That's pretty rock and roll though.
Sheryl crow uses a urinal.
Yeah, that's awesome.
- "sheryl crow uses- -" tomorrow's press.
Did you hear him describe it as comfortable? How is he using this thing? yeah.
You can't have a urinal in your house, And I pee standing up.
- Right.
Why? Why? Why, jimmy? Why can't you have a little-- It's selfish.
Your wife can't use it.
No one--your guests can't use it if-- I think we could use that one right there On the bottom right.
It looks like a "girlinal.
" A girlinal? A girlinal.
- A girlinal, that is not a word.
That is not a word.
- It is a word.
- That is a not a word.
- Girlinal.
- Girlinal.
I'm gonna hit the girlinal.
And he says he'll take the third bathroom That no one uses.
Again with the garage.
This is why we build garages, So men can have their dummies and their urinals out there.
"I have to pee.
" "oh, I have to pee too.
" How long is this man peeing? Like, lay off the flomax.
He's gonna do crossword puzzles, read articles? Like, he's peeing too much.
There's something wrong.
He's been shopping for a urinal For about four to five years.
So they've shopped for four or five years for a urinal? He's been in the market for a urinal for a long time.
Thank god for this show.
Yeah, we're gonna end it tonight.
Is it that much different Is that much grosser than a bidet? Right? That's worse than a urinal to me.
- A bidet? - A bidet.
- I don't know- - I've never used one.
I like bidets.
Bidets, I like them.
- You do? - I love them.
Wow, you like them too much.
I think you should have a toilet-- A toilet, a bidet, and a urinal.
And the whole family can be in there at once.
Lemurs taking baths.
Wait, wait.
You could have a little beer back.
You could have a little refrigerator in the wall.
You take it out, you're drinking, You're peeing, you're talking to your-- You just want him to build a cheers in his house So you and ted danson have a place to go And have a reunion.
Where everybody knows our name.
All right, if you're thinking like I'm thinking, This would be a perfect time for a break, wouldn't it? You're gonna vote for her, aren't you? Mm-hmm.
Oh, you're always with the girls.
It's gonna be nag team tag team all over again, I can tell it.
- I hear you.
I'm his .
Coming up, what is your favorite urinal, The dexter? The jarvis? The freshman? The steward? The barnum? All right, I'm back.
We're talking about the fitzpatricks.
Urinals, what are the different styles? Well, there are a couple different styles.
There's the trough, the bucket, And the wee-against-the-wall.
And kohler makes a lot of different models.
Wee-against-the-wall? Yeah, the wee-against-the-wall.
But kohler makes a couple of different styles, Including the steward, The branham, The bardon, The jarvis, The dexter, And the freshman.
- The dexter.
- Wow.
There's a lot of ways to go there.
- You like the jarvis? - I like the first one.
Yeah, these sound like sarah palin's kids' names.
Jarvis, garden, tree, Tractor.
Well, kirstie, you show up at a guy's house, And you're there-- I'm looking for someone.
Go ahead.
It's a big date night.
Everything has been cool.
He's been all right, nice guy.
He brings you back home.
I got it, yeah.
You walk into the bathroom, "I'll be just a moment.
" You walk in and the only thing there is a urinal.
What do you think? I think if it's a wee-against-the-wall, It's out, but if it's the jarvis, I'm in.
I really don't think there's any difference "germy or gross-wise" With peeing all over the carpet and the toilet Than peeing in a urinal, so I say-- How do you know he's doing it like this? Wow! Whoa! That's not what he's doing.
I don't know who you're dating either.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Would you prefer urinating in the toilet? Actually, as a man, It's kind of fun doing it anywhere.
I think men should just go outside And pee on things.
I mean, just live it up out there, I say.
Hopefully you don't live near a school.
Or an electric fence.
That could be bad as well.
Yeah, that wouldn't be healthy.
I think it's working for him now.
His toilet's fine.
He seems pretty happy.
- Yeah.
- He doesn't need this.
So you want-- let me just clarify one thing.
You're going with the girl, And, ooh, I can't believe that you're gonna go with him again.
What are you saying, that I'm gonna go with jimmy? Yeah.
To the urinal? What are you saying? No, you guys are gonna-- I don't know which way I'm going.
I'm not sure yet.
I mean, because here's the thing, You got the urinal.
Only he can use it.
He's really taking a bathroom away from her, essentially.
She needs three bathrooms? Well, I don't know what she eats.
All right, so you want to go to the vote? Who do you think, husband or wife? Kirstie? - I go with the husband.
- You go with the husband.
He should be allowed to have the urinal in the home.
- He should be able to.
- Okay.
Jimmy? - I'm going with the wife.
- You're going with the wife.
Yeah, I like that he likes urinals, But keep shopping, keep shopping.
Sheryl? I'm going with the husband.
- You're going with the husband? - Yeah.
I am, I am.
We'll just see what-- Yeah, let's just see what he does.
Marriage ref? This is where we'll tell if it's brokeback-- Brokeback ref.
- No pressure.
- No.
I'm not ready, but I'll make the call.
Let's go to somers point, new jersey And bring up the fitzpatricks.
Hi, tom.
Hi, tom.
Great to see you guys.
Thanks for being on our show.
Oh, we're having a great time.
He looks like one of the dummies.
All right, here's my call.
Brian, here's the problem with the urinal.
It leads to open bathroom doors.
And in my opinion, we're seeing too much Male peeing in this world as it is-- By the side of the road, golf courses, alleyways.
It's too much.
We don't need any more.
Caren, you win.
- Oh, my god! - Smart man.
- Yeah.
That's right.
And I have to say, The thing that influenced me the most, Jimmy fallon.
It's his lover.
Come on, jimmy.
Stand up, will you? - Rematch! - Good job, good job.
No way.
Kirstie, would you like to explain Why you voted the way you did to the couple? Well, this is how I-- I thought you have three restrooms in your house.
I think that you need to get the one That's the "girlinal," And that's the one that sort of comes out That the lady could use If she was drinking the big vat of wine.
A switch hitter, they call it.
They call that the switch hitter.
I think that's what kirstie's calling jimmy and me.
- - just jimmy.
Just jimmy.
I know his powerful pull.
Well guys, you've been searching for this For a long time.
It's been a big debate.
I'm glad we could end it.
The call has been made.
Say good-bye to the fitzpatricks, everybody.
- Bye, fitzpatricks.
- Bye.
Bye, guys.
Let's do that.
Coming up, toss out the rule book tonight.
Who is tom going to pick to take over his job? You were kinda spicy And had real strong opinions, kirstie alley.
Jimmy, you and I saw eye to eye on a lot of things.
And you are a rock star.
Okay, kids, we have just enough time For one more quick one.
After all the cooking we've done tonight, It's time to do the dishes.
Meet the salomcarpentiers.
It was like the most natural thing.
We sort of just like fell into step with each other.
She's got the heart of mother teresa, And she's got great gams.
You're good at what you do.
I'm good at what I do.
When we have dinner, we really make a mess.
We start with salad, the have the vegetables.
If I say I'm gonna do the dishes, I may not do them exactly the same way you do.
But you know what, they get done.
When I do the dishes, I'm really into doing the dishes, okay? I got nothing else on my mind, nothing else I have to do.
Because it's the middle of the night, And there isn't anything else to do Because the whole world is asleep.
And you know what-- You know what, listen, I'll tell you something.
I'm not perfect, far from it.
I can't concentrate If I know my house is a mess.
There's a reason why we do the dishes.
You're gonna go philosophical now? There's two ways to do things.
There's the hard way, and there's the smart way.
The fate of western civilization Does not depend on whether these dishes are done.
If this were not a marriage, you know something, If this were, like, a work relationship, I would fire you.
All right, now what I'm gonna do here, Because this is our last couple, I'm gonna give the final call To one of you three tonight.
One of you is going to make the final call.
We only ask that you give it to the one That you have the biggest crush on.
Kirstie, you get the final call.
Now Now let me-- Now let me tell you how this works, okay? I'm afraid.
Go ahead.
When you're ready, you say, "I'm ready to make the call.
" When you say "I'm ready to make the call," People will appear.
And then you get to tell them Who is right and who is wrong, the husband or the wife.
And I have to tell them why I chose-- You're gonna tell them why you chose.
I don't like to be mean to people.
Ooh, look who's turned into a little pussycat.
Give it a beat.
When you're ready say, "I'm read to make the call," And we'll see it go down.
I'm ready to make the call.
Hello! Hey.
- Do I get to speak? - Go ahead, kirstie.
- Okay, here's- - here's how I see this.
I think that I have to vote for the husband, Because he is doing the dishes, And most husbands would never do the dishes.
And I really feel that just the fact That he is doing the dishes is a great service.
So I have to vote for him.
And that's all.
And I don't want to be mean to you, wife.
So you did great.
So the husband wins.
Good job.
You have a hard job.
- It's a little nerve-racking.
- Yeah.
What do you think of kirstie's decision? The truth of the matter is, And I think the ladies of america would agree with me, I don't really need my husband to do the dishes.
I really don't.
It's just a way of sort of keeping him involved With the family before he retires And retreats to the man cave in the living room.
I like fran and ira.
Oh, thank you, sheryl.
Say good-bye, everybody.
- Bye.
- Bye.
And for being such great sports, All our couples will receive a romantic second honeymoon Furnished by breezes resort and spa, panama.
Hey, hey.
All right, we'd like to thank our panel of experts-- Kirstie alley, sheryl crow, Jimmy fallon.
And especially to all our couples tonight.
Thank you for letting us into your marriage.
It's worth fighting for.
Now kiss and make up.
Good night, everybody.
let's stay together together loving you whether whether times are good or bad happy or sad what is this show? What kinda show is this? It's the marriage ref.
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