The Marriage Ref (2010) s01e07 Episode Script

Tracy Morgan, Kathy Griffin and Nathan Lane

Nathan Lane I've taken an immediate dislike to these people.
Announcer: Kathy Griffin We like it actually when you just stand in our presence and then we can boss you around and judge you.
Announcer: And Tracy Morgan.
You look like sexy chocolate to me.
Okay, you know what? Time.
Announcer: We have a man down! Repeat! Man down! Don't eat it! Your teeth are gonna fall out! Stay oyour path, shante! Not until you identify the me! Announcer: A complete collision of culture, gender, and sexual orientation.
You're gayer than I am.
I know, so.
I just want to point out that Tracy has hit on every wife in the story and now a statue.
You better be careful, Nathan lane.
You might be next.
[Laughter and applause] Ooh.
We have a winner, ladies and gentlemen! Yeah! Announcer: Now here's the marriage ref, Tom papa.
[Cheers and applause] Thank you.
Hi and welcome to the marriage ref.
I'm Tom papa.
You know, there's nothing more fun than watching a married couple struggle with a problem that's got nothing to do with you.
So why not sit back, relax, and watch someone else grind it out? Well, panel, thank you for being here.
Welcome, welcome.
We're gonna watch some arguments.
We're gonna have some arguments and then I'm gonna end it all by making the call, so here we go.
Let's emerge from our chrysalis and flutter into the butterfly capital of the world, coconut creek, Florida It really is.
And meet the hankersons.
Rosalyn wants to play a lonely game, but doesn't want to be alone.
I met rosalyn through her brother in the army.
I've always had this thing for men in uniform.
You know, we made each other laugh.
I didn't wait for him to propose.
I didn't want him to get away.
So I proposed to him and he said yes.
What does "solitaire" mean? - It's a one-person game.
- It's a one-person game? Yeah.
Why would you call me in the room with you to watch you play a one-person game? I told you how I feel about when I'm playing solitaire and every single time you take over the game.
Solitaire to me is a single-person game.
What you're saying don't make sense.
It don't make sense.
I would consider putting the game away, cregg, if I felt like you was serious about spending time with me.
I think you have other stuff on your mind.
Are you a psychologist? I never knew these things about you.
I never knew that you could ask a question and answer it.
You're sitting, playing solitaire.
You're asking me to come in there and spend time with you.
"Hey, why don't you come in the room with me?" I sit next to you.
"Hey, what you doing?" "Oh, I'm just playing this game.
Huh, huh, huh.
" "Hey, ros, why don't you put the 4 or that 5 " "hey, don't help me!" I want you in the room with me to spend time with me.
Get it? I get that you try to spend time with solitaire.
- Because - Why? What is that? - Solitaire is a one-person game! [Laughter and applause] So here's the issue.
Should he have to sit and watch her play solitaire because she considers it spending time together? - She wants him to stand there? - Stand there.
I'm really trying to Is there any help for them? [Laughter] - Stand there? - Stand there.
Yeah, we like it actually when you just stand in our presence and then we can boss you around and judge you.
[Laughter and applause] Thank you.
You got to keep moving.
But why, Kathy? Why do they Women always want the man in physical view.
Yeah, we want you around.
If we could, we would put some lojack or some sort of tracking device on you.
But why do you want us around, 'cause that's the only time you absolutely know we're not cheating? - Right.
- Yeah, we don't trust you.
At all.
And you need the whole guy there.
You got to see all We want him there and we want him paying attention to us but not really bothering us.
Not that dude.
What do you mean? Not that dude.
- Well, he's a little - who he's gonna cheat with? [Laughter] They been married for 17 years.
- Well, you know, it seems a little passive-aggressive that she is insisting he join her at solitaire.
It just doesn't make any sense whatsoever, but But I did like the trampolining at the beginning, 'cause they were kind of spooning and trampolining.
We also like that.
We like if you stand behind us and bounce on something with a lot of play and Springs.
Or is that just me? Is that just me? All right.
Do you have a favorite game you play on the computer? Well, porn and [laughter] Uh, you know, and then just checking out the news and [laughter] Is there any more to this tape? Yes, there is.
Before we go any further, we just saw the hankersons argue through a card game.
Now they've got bigger fish to fry.
You go fishing every single day.
If you have 20 minutes before work, cregg, you're fishing.
If you would only go fishing, you would be a happier person.
I don't want to go fishing.
Fishing, it just relaxes me.
It's rough out here in this world today and, you know, different people turn to different things.
If Charlie sheen like fishing If Tiger Woods like fishing If they were fishing instead of doing what they were doing when they got in trouble, they wouldn't be in trouble.
What woman have to always tell their husband she wants to spend time with them? You should be taking me somewhere.
I'm trying to take you somewhere.
- Where? - Fishing.
I hate fishing.
I don't like it.
- It's hot out there.
- You like to eat fish.
So? You just made me right.
You could be out ió mother nature, enjoying the nature, looking at the water, the birds flying by.
You could be so happy.
I want us to be back where we were when we first met.
That's what I'm telling you.
I don't sleep with the fish.
You may as well.
You gone enough.
You know, I'm gonna show you that I'm not neglecting you.
I'm gonna give you some fish in a few minutes.
I'm gonna feed you.
Cregg, everything goes your way.
I might be watching lifetime or something.
What do you do? You pick up the remote I am not sitting there watching those man-bashing shows, no.
- Lifetime is real-life stuff.
- Fishing is real-life stuff.
It relaxes me.
It gets my mind off all this other stuff that's going on in the world.
So you're saying fishing makes you feel better than me then? I'm not saying that, but But if I was fishing right now, I wouldn't be arguing with you.
[Laughter and applause] Am I crazy or is this the exact same issue with the other spouse and a different activity? Yes.
"Why can't you watch me play cards?" "Why can't you watch me fish?" So I'm assuming they've never heard of the game go fish.
[Laughter] There's no woman that wants to watch him fish or join him fishing.
There's no fun in fishing.
I'm not married anymore because of solitaire and fishing.
Those are signs, cregg! They say the number one reason for divorce is money, but it turns out it's solitaire and fishing.
Solitaire and fishing! It's an epidemic that, thank God, you're shining a light on.
He did come up with a great slogan for lifetime.
"Man-bashing since 1993.
" Yes.
Oh, my gosh.
He is so wrong about that.
Lifetime is a fantastic channel that does, in fact, deal with real-life situations.
And always ends with the guy dying.
Oops.
[Laughter and applause] Oops.
He shouldn't have pissed me off.
Do you go fishing? No.
I'm a homosexual! [Laughter and applause] We don't fish! I don't know how to use the computer! I just do stinking musicals! [Laughter and applause] Look, uh, I've taken an immediate dislike to these people.
[Laughter] You're the facts lady, aren't you? Yeah, I am.
From nbc news, the lovely Natalie morales, everyone.
[Cheers and applause] Is there anything else we should know about these people? Well, they love each other very much.
They have five kids together.
You know what? When it comes to solitaire, I mean, millions of people play.
It's the most popular game on the computer, and it's also one of the most addictive.
Is that comforting or pathetic? It's both.
It's comforting and pathetic and I think it's what marriage is about.
Make each other miserable in the same room or near a stream.
Tracy, how long were you married? I was married for 21 years.
Out of the how many Around the 17th year is when she started playing solitaire and I started fishing.
[Laughter] So now that you're not married, what's your favorite way to waste time? I Chase women.
Literally? Like, down the street? Literally all day long.
Is it hard picking up girls or is it easy now because you're Tracy Morgan? - Uh, I - don't even, 'cause you know what just happened back there.
All right.
Yeah, this is hot off the presses.
What happened? All right, so he was next to my beautiful assistant, who is single and then beautiful.
Easy.
And he very Like, six inches away, very quietly said, "you and me should go out sometime.
" No, I didn't say it like that.
No, I didn't say it like that.
I sounded more like lefty from Donnie brasco.
All right, do it.
I said, "you want to check in with me sometime?" Hey! - And that didn't work? - No.
No, it worked.
Do lines like that work in the gay community? [Stutters] [Laughter] - Let me take this one.
- Let's see.
[Laughter] Yeah, you know more about gay men than Nathan.
It depends on what category.
If you're talking about the bears or the twinks or the tweakers or the old-school queens I mean, really, you got to pick a category.
Wow.
You can't put them all in a box.
There's many colors to the flag.
Wow.
Would that work in any of those categories? - You mean pick-up lines? - Yeah, that line.
Give that line to Nathan.
You want to check in with me tomorrow? [Laughter] No.
[Laughter and applause] All right, so we're gonna say who's right and wrong here The husband or the wife.
There's two issues.
There's solitaire and fishing.
I'll let you split it if you need to.
He is a little less wrong than she is.
Right.
Because, you know, and at least he's cooking.
You know, she was yelling at him.
It was very unpleasant.
I'm gonna side with him.
The husband.
Okay, Kathy? I'm gonna side with the wife, because I think what she's really saying is, "I wish we were spending time together as long as it isn't [Bleep] Fishing.
" [Laughter] So Now we're on hbo.
[Laughter and applause] Yeah! Oh, people.
So husband, wife, Tracy? What is he fishing for when you got a nice, thick woman like that? I'm not sure, but I do know You should make some more babies, man.
Forget porky's.
I don't know what you said [Laughter and applause] But Oh, Tom.
Yo, you got to understand.
They confused me from the Gate! I'm a brother, man.
We don't be fishing or playing solitaire.
[Laughter and applause] We get down, man! So I'm confused by them.
They got this big house, you know? There is a difference, because If she was my wife, she'd be the octomom two.
[Laughter] If ever there was a doubt that there's a difference between black guys and white guys I make love to you while you playing solitaire.
[Laughter] I can't believe you can call your women thick.
[Laughter] Yeah.
Thick like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
We are so different.
[Laughter] All right, I'm ready to make the call.
Oh, boy.
[bell rings] Let's go to coconut creek, Florida, and meet the actual hankersons in their dual-isolation pods.
[Cheers and applause] Guys, nice to see you.
You look great.
Thanks for being on our show.
Thanks.
All right, here's my call.
I talked about it with the panel.
They really didn't help me out, so I'm gonna go solo on this.
Rosalyn, asking someone to sit silently and watch another individual play solitaire is torture.
That's how they break terrorists.
On the solitaire issue, cregg, congratulations.
You win.
[Cheers and applause] Now, cregg, fishing is fun to do, but it's a one-persoz sport.
Asking someone to watch you fish is water torture.
Rosalyn, on the fishing issue, congratulations.
You win.
[Cheers and applause] So it's a split decision.
Now we like you guys so much, we're gonna help you out.
I hold in my hand the solution.
It's called a deck of cards.
It's portable, light, and will allow rosalyn to play solitaire while cregg fishes.
Now you can ignore each other together.
[Cheers and applause] Panel, would you like to talk to them? You want to ask them anything? I want to ask rosalyn how the delicious fish was, 'cause it looked great, rosalyn.
It's really good, but I don't want to eat fish every night.
I hear you, baby.
[Laughter] You look like You look like sexy chocolate to me.
Okay, you know what? Time.
I'll stand there and watch you play solitaire.
Hey, I'm going fishing.
- Tom, you have to - you go on, go fishing, homie.
[Laughter] That's a beautiful woman right there.
Tracy, keep your eyes off my thick woman.
[Laughter and applause] Well, great talking to you guys.
The call has been made.
Have fun, hankersons.
Say good-bye, everybody.
[Cheers and applause] All right, when we come back, we'll see what prompted this evil spell.
You need a haunting.
That'll seyou straight.
Ooh.
Announcer: Later, Tom quits and picks a panelist to take over the show.
Who is it going to be? Let's a take a pink '59 caddy into classic-american Mayfield heights, Ohio, where we meet the argies.
Theresa is searching for someone outside of her marriage and this dimension.
I have a very good time with my wife.
My wife's my best friend.
I could tell her anything and she'll make me laugh.
She'll tell me to relax.
It's not that big of a deal.
He's the whole package.
It's a gigantic inconvenience.
I mean, I'm home on my night off.
You're off tonight too and we're not doing anything together because you're gonna go be with the ghost.
This is important.
This is about not just our life, but about our afterlife.
Yeah, well, why can't we do this earlier? I have to go when the ghosts want me to come and that's usually at night, because that's when the paranormal activity happens.
Hauntings don't always last forever.
Hauntings go on forever.
The never ever ooh.
My wife's obsessed with it.
She's giving ghost hunting classes.
So this has got to be one of the oldest buildings in the area.
So we have one confirmed death here.
If it has a heartbeat and it dies, she thinks there's a ghost somewhere.
There was a reported spirit of a dog.
We were getting some strange readings with the k-2 meters.
Oh, there it goes again.
All right.
This is important.
You might not think it's important, because you don't believe in what I'm doing, but ghosts were people too and they demand respect.
Okay, if you are helping them If you are helping them, why aren't they paying you? It's ghost hunting.
It's It's not your job though.
- But it is a job.
- This is a hobby.
Just like skiing is not a job.
Skiing is a hobby.
This is way more important than skiing.
No, it's just it's /c a huge inconvenience.
You need a haunting.
That'll set you straight.
[Stutters] And in the past, you guys have heard phantom sounds? Zip.
- Yeah.
- Zip? He also died here.
We do know that the dog did die here right outside the door there.
Maybe I scared him away.
Oh, there he is.
I think until he has that one true paranormal experience, he's always gonna have a problem with me doing this.
Um, a paranormal experience can be life-changing.
Can you tell us why you're here? Is there a reason that you're up here? Is there some secret that you want to tell us? Oh, my battery just died.
[Laughter and applause] The issue here is who's crazier.
She's looking for ghosts.
He's jealous of them.
Ooh, ooh! Can I answer that? [Laughter] First of all, that's a old camcorder.
You can't catch ghosts with those camcorders.
I tried.
You can't do it.
I would hire her to track down the ghost of my career.
[Laughter] I know he didn't know he was gonna get married to a ghostbuster.
- No.
- Who you gon' call? Ghostbuster.
I do like her equipment.
Let's watch what happens here.
We're getting some strange readings with the k-2 meters.
It also opens the garage door.
[Laughter] Oh, there it goes again.
Is that a ghost or is her table ready at applebee's? [Laughter and applause] Natalie, what is the k-2 meter? 'Causf it does look like a kid's toy cell phone.
- A k-2 meter is a piece of equipment that's used to detect spiritual entities.
Although a lot of paranormal groups don't really use the k-2 meter because they feel that the results are not accurate.
So can I use that to detect my Uncle's spirit? 'Cause he owe me $20.
[laughter] I'll look into it.
Tracy, do you believe in ghosts? I do.
I believe in ghosts.
You think that there - I believe in ghosts.
- You do? Sometimes, yeah, but one ghost You know, 'cause ghosts usually go, "boo.
" That's right.
This ghost was like, "ahh!" And I said, "why are you doing that?" And he said, "I died the wrong way!" [Laughter] You know what's amazing is that you start off by not knowing if you thought they were real or not and then you recall the whole conversation with them.
[Laughter and applause] If there was a ghost that you'd like to meet, Tracy, who would it be? I would like to see the ghost of Ernest borgnine.
I think he's my biological father.
[Laughter] I can see Ernest borgnine.
I see it.
That's obvious.
I do not need a DNA test.
[Laughter] Hi, Ernie.
Nathan, do you have any weird hobbies? You know, musicals? da-da-da you're being very closed-off.
I want to know what you do.
Do you do puzzles? Do you finger-paint? Do you play scrabble? - [Stammering] - Pizza parties? - Dance? - Game night? - Roller skate? - Not really.
- Sewing? - Trampoline? - Quilting? - Who are you? Are you actually sweating? You are actually sweating.
I'm actuallySweating.
[laughter] I'm sweating.
Is this the elimination round? [Laughter] Who do you sympathize with in this? I mean, she's running around chasing these ghosts, but he obviously feels a little lonely.
Who do you think I should call it for? I guess I would sympathize with the husband.
She should give up the ghost thing and hang out.
- Yes.
- Kathy? I'm gonna go with the husband on this one.
Number one, he's cute.
And number two, I think they should just do the ghost hunting, you know, Halloween or Halloween eve.
Two nights a year.
That's it.
But otherwise, I'm with the husband.
All right, Tracy? I'm going with the wife on this one.
What? After your bad ghost experience? I loved ghostbusters, part one and two.
Me too.
Me too.
So you're going with her because there's a couple movies you like? Yeah.
All right, I'm ready to make the call.
[Bell rings] Let's go to Mayfield heights, Ohio, and astral project the argies into our studio.
[Cheers and applause] - Hello.
- Hello.
Hi, argies.
Thanks for being on our show.
- Thank you for having us.
- Thank you.
All right, here's my call.
Theresa, when you married John, you promised to stay together till death do you part.
Death.
That is a much better time to go looking for ghosts.
First of all, you'll be one.
Theresa, life is short.
Focus on living while you're here.
John, congratulations.
You win.
[Cheers and applause] Thank you.
- Come on.
- I knew it.
[Cheers and applause] Would you please tell James brown that we miss him here? [Laughing] I can do that for you, Tracy.
- Thank you.
- Not a problem.
- [As James brown] Hey! - I can give him a message.
Where do you pick up this stuff? At dead and things at the mall? - Dead and things.
- [laughing] Bed, bath, and beyond.
Bed, bath, and beyond.
Bed, bath, and beyond.
We have a winner, ladies and gentlemen! Bed, bath, and beyond.
Bed, bath, and beyond.
[Applause] I have a question for you.
If ghosts are invisible, why do they only come out at night? They come out all different times.
Just at nightYou're able to sense them better.
- Because you're? - Because you're other [laughing] Your other senses are heightened.
[Laughing] Let's go get that ghost! Well, great talking to you guys.
The call has been made.
Say good-bye to the argies, everybody.
Congratulations.
[applause] - Thank you, bye.
- Thanks, guys.
When we come back we're gonna find out if this woman can get this man to eat this dish.
- What kind of meat? - Looks like it might be some kind of pork, or chicken, or something.
- No.
- Just try it.
No.
Announcer: Coming up, Tracy Morgan gives up on English.
- [Mumbling loudly] - By the way, I speak fluent Morgan, it's my second language.
[Mumbling indistinctly] Let's jump in our orange '69 dodge charger and outrun the fuzz into Covington, Georgia.
Home of the Dukes of hazzard and also Kevin and shante Reagan, shante is cooking it up, and Kevin is smacking it down.
[Giggles] She just was a different type of woman, you know.
And she just was smart, and she did everything that I like to do.
And we just fell in love like that.
If you pray for somebody to walk through life with, and you get that person I mean, I'm just totally blessed to have Kevin.
I'm just totally blessed to have Kevin.
All you gotta do is just try it.
No, I'm not eating no green Bean casserole.
But you wanna healthier, don't you? You like green beans.
I'm not eating no green Bean Kevin, I'm making this.
Looks like somebody just came in here and went boop! Oh, my God.
Kevin But that's not what happened.
We're trying to do things more healthy.
Green Bean casserole will make us healthy? Yes.
Green Bean casserole is the start of something healthy.
- No.
- And it's good.
Look, what's them little chunks in there? It's meat! Kevin, look at this.
- That's not no - that is meat! What kind of meat? What kind of meat? Looks like it might be some kind of pork, or chicken, or something.
No.
- Just try it.
- No.
Nobody eats the green Bean casserole.
For the last ten years since we've been together.
Now I've got chicken.
Oh, my God.
So you're just gonna sit there and eat that chicken? Yeah.
And I'm cooking green Bean casserole? I'm not going to stop making green Bean casserole.
Kevin's going to eat the green Bean casserole at some point.
Just try it! I don't want no green Bean casserole.
But you haven't even tried the casserole, Kevin.
- I won't eat it with my spouse.
- Yes, you will.
I won't eat it with a mouse.
I do not want green Bean casserole in this house! [Cheers and applause] So the issue here is should he have to eat the green Bean casserole.
I worry when she says she's not sure what the meat is in the I can't blame him.
Have you ever eaten a casserole, Nathan lane? [Laughing] Man of mystery.
'Cause we don't know what you do in your down time.
We really don't.
[laughing] You do eat food like us, right? - Are you anti-casserole? Talk to us.
Did your mom ever make you green beans? When you were a young child, were you traumatized by a casserole? Open up.
Do you like cream soup? If you were a casserole, what kind would you be? Ma my entire life is passing before my eyes.
[Laughing] Um, I, uh No, my mother was not a great cook.
My mother made okra.
Okra casserole.
- Oh, that sounds good.
- Okra.
- What is okra, exactly? - I have no idea.
She's a talk show host.
She is a very popular daytime talk show host.
My taste buds go on sight.
If it don't look good, I'm not eating it.
That look like it got an eyeball in it.
[Laughing] I wouldn't eat tan lane coo.
Look at that.
I would eat it.
But I would want extra eyeball.
That could ruin a marriage.
That could ruin but ten years! Just have the damn casserole one time.
For ten years she's been asking for him to eat this casserole.
Just try it.
He won't even try it.
Just one bite, no.
He said, I'm not eating this for my spouse, not in a house! Not no string Bean casserole in my house.
He should get a recording contract.
[Laughing] Then he wouldn't have to eat casserole.
Nathan lane.
- Yeah, I - Look at that casserole.
- Yeah, Nathan lane.
- No, I wouldn't wanna eat that.
But in all seriousness [laughing] I don't know if you've heard of these things called cookbooks.
And perhaps there's something else that he might like.
Yeah, but Julia wouldn't tell you to eat that.
- Julia child? - Yes! - [Mumbling indistinctly] - By the way, I speak fluent Morgan, it's my second language.
- [Mumbling] - I'm bilingual.
It's how she talks how Julia talks.
[Mumbling indistinctly] And that's why meryl lost the Oscar.
Thank you.
[laughing] Has anyone here ever had green Bean casserole? - Yes, I've had green - you've had green I'm from an irish catholic family.
We call that vegetables, yes.
- And is it good? - No, it's awful.
It's horrible, and bad for you.
Yes, it's jehovah witness food.
And then somebody holds your hair, and you puke it out later.
- Jehovah witness food.
- It's jehovah witness food? [Laughing] We're building Bridges here, people.
Building Bridges.
And by the way, what it goes with is "froufrou salad".
Which is jell-o fruit.
- Oh, jell-o.
With little marshmallows? You eat that food, then they make you give out those books.
You Wait, as a jehovah witness.
You eat that, and then you have to give out the books.
- Door-to-door, yes.
- They're like, come on, I'm interested in being a jehovah witness.
- I was traumatized, yeah.
- Come on in, eat this.
And give these out.
Here.
It's called it's called "casseroling.
" You do it door-to-door.
Yes.
[Laughing] Those boo [Laughing] What's the healthiest thing you eat, Kathy? I try to have salads every so often.
But I really don't like it.
I don't care for it.
I like pie, cookies, cupcakes, and donuts.
[Laughing] Are my food groups.
Those are good.
What's the healthiest thing you eat, Tracy? UhWendy's.
[Laughing] How do you keep your girlish figure? - I'm hungry and bitter.
- Oh.
[Laughing] Glad I asked.
[laughing] When we come back, we're going to meet Kevin and shante Reagan, the actual green Bean casserolians themselves.
[Applause] Announcer: Coming up, a colossal meltdown.
Don't eat it! Your teeth are gonna fall out! Stay on your path, shante! Not until you identify the meat! - Green Bean casserole.
- Green Bean casserole.
- Green Bean casserole.
- Green Bean casserole.
- Green Bean casserole.
- Green Bean casserole.
Green Bean casserole.
The green Bean casserole.
Green Bean casserole.
Green Bean casserole.
Any last thoughts before we go to the vote? - No.
- No? [Laughing] No, let's go.
So what do you think? Should he have to try it? No.
She's crazy.
It's a horrible, horrible looking dish.
She doesn't even know what's in it! No, someone should stop her.
Call a cop.
[Laughing] Please! - Kathy? - Of course he should try it.
After ten years make sure he has some roughage, 'cause that looks like it's gonna sit in him like a brick.
Casserole king? The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
- Mm-hmm.
That's gonna run right through him.
It's gonna go down rough, come up easy.
[Laughing] So bottom line, should husband or wife? [Sniffles] Whoo.
I'm going for the husband.
- For the husband? - Yeah.
- Husband.
- Husband.
- Husband.
- Wife.
Wife.
He should at least try it.
- Yes, at least try it.
- Okay.
I'm ready to make the call.
[bell dings] [Laughing] Sorry.
I used to be a prize fighter, I'd admit to that.
[Laughing] - Hey, hey.
- Go to your corner, Jim.
Cut his eye.
Sit down, champ.
Sit down, champ we gotta cut his eye.
Cut his eye.
Cut his eye.
You're okay.
You're okay.
Spit in this.
[fake spitting] - Shake it off, shake it off.
- Okay, all right.
Whoo, you got this one.
Whoo, you got this one.
- [Sigh] - Whoo.
Let's go to Covington, Georgia, and bring up the real-life reagans in their casserole kitchen.
[Cheers and applause] - Hey.
- Hey, how you doing? - How you doing? - Listen You guys have got to side with me.
I know my green Bean casserole looks a little bit suspect, but what good dish doesn't look a bit suspicious? He could at least try my casserole.
Don't agree with her like that.
- No! - I agree, shante.
Thank you so much, Kathy.
My girl! Come on guys.
Don't take this the wrong way, but you sound a tad defensive.
[Laughing] I am a lot bit defensive.
- Thank you.
- He could at least try - thank you.
- My green Bean casserole after being with me for ten years.
- I agree, shante.
- No, don't eat it.
Your teeth are gonna fall out! - Stay on your path, shante.
- Don't do it.
If he would just taste my green Bean casserole, he'll see that it's good.
Not until you identify the meat! A green Bean shouldn't even have to go through that.
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
All right, everybody's very passionate about the green Bean casserole.
Here's my call.
And I think that Kathy kind of nailed it on the head.
Kevin, if your wife makes you something to eat, you have to eat it.
If you can't eat it, you have to at least try it.
She's spending time on it.
She's making it for you.
It's rude.
Shante, congratulations, you win.
Yes! Thank you! [Cheers and applause] [yelling indistinctly] Now, Kevin, hold on.
Hold on, Kevin.
I'm going to make this interesting.
If you're willing to try it for the first time right here on our show and give it a chance, I will reverse my call.
Because shante, if your husband doesn't like something, you gotta respect that and cook something else.
Will you try the green Bean casserole? [Cheers and applause] Kevin, you eat that casserole.
- He's wrong for this.
- Do it.
- Come on, baby.
- Should he do it, audience? [Cheers and applause] I don't have to win.
I don't have to win that one.
- No.
- Oh! Baby.
He's wrong for this.
This is what we go through every day.
Here.
Come on.
There you go.
It's good, right? I win now, right? [Laughing] He at least need to have a full mouthful.
- I agree, shante.
- It's no good.
No.
No, Tom.
Kevin, what does it taste like? - Garbage.
- Oh, no! He didn't even really taste it.
This is not fair.
Does that count as a taste? No, that doesn't count as a taste.
That doesn't count as a taste, Kevin.
Kevin, last shot.
Do you wanna take a bite of it? A real bite of it? I already did! Take a that wasn't a bite.
You gotta take a real bite of it.
- Okay.
- It looks good.
You gotta take a whole mouthful.
- Kevin, don't do it.
- Do it, Kevin.
Open up.
Here he goes.
Here he goes.
- And swallow it.
- Not gonna do it.
- No! - Yeah! Yeah, kev! My man! Shante wins.
The call has been made, shante wins.
Say good-bye, everybody.
- Thank you so much, yeah! - Boo! [Applause] When we come back, we're going to find out to boop or not to boop.
Announcer: Coming up I learned something new.
What's a thrupple? It's two gay guys and a statue.
- You're gayer than I am.
- I know.
So [laughing] All right, kids, we don't have a lot of time, but we've got one more fight that's got to end tonight.
Let's meet the salinero-wise.
I was very nervous, and I pulled out the ring, and I just set it on the table, and I said, "I have something to ask you.
" Well, at first I said, "this is not happening here.
" - He got so embarrassed.
- So I'm kind of scooting it under the plate.
I finally just said, "okay, will you marry me or not?" And he said, "of course I will.
" So [chuckles] What grown man has a Betty boop in their kitchen? - Excuse me? - No knocks against Betty.
But What is wrong with having a It doesn't match the style of the house I mean, come on.
It's the focal point of the kitchen, Michael.
I would rather have a focal point for some place to sit.
People come in nobody is Who would sit here? Who would sit There's not even enough space to sit here.
There's a small I've seen there's pub tables.
- No.
- The word tacky.
- Excuse me? - It's I don't know.
Maybe kitschy it is not tacky.
I think everybody likes Betty boop.
You know, you walk in, and she's kind of looking up and smiling.
And I just can't see her not being part of my life anymore.
You have to learn to let me have a little bit of say-so in what goes on in this house.
- You have some say-so.
- Show me my say-so.
[Applause] So the issue here, is Betty boop kitschy or tacky? Can I field this? [Laughing] This may single-handedly put an end to the fight for gay marriage.
Or at least it proves that gay couples can be as stupid as straight couples.
First of all, that fella who's fond of the Betty boop condiment holder He seems to have a Bob's big boy hair cut.
[Laughing] Yeah.
So there's definitely a theme running here.
It's just that it's so large.
Obviously, size is important to him.
And it's very obvious that the dog wants to pee on Betty.
- Yeah.
- So she's against it.
That's two two against one.
This is like if this were a straight couple, it would be a stuffed polar bear in a New York giants sweatshirt.
[Laughing] And the wife would say this goes in the garage.
- Right.
- Betty boop is great.
I love Betty boop.
Betty boop, yeah.
Betty does have a hotter ass than the guy on the left.
I mean, she's pretty hot.
And I would you know, this is not the first time I've seen fetishism, or said it.
- Right.
- But [Laughing] Fetishism.
But anyway, I think that they should consider entering what the gays call a "throuple" with Betty boop, and experimenting, and taping it, and putting it out there.
Yes.
A throuple? Don't be afraid of a throuple until you've tried it.
What's a throuple? It's two gay guys and a statue.
[Laughing] So yeah, I think the Betty should stay because she's kitschy.
I know the other guy wants to replace her with a pub table, which I think is cold.
So I think she greetu the people walking in the kitchen, and says, "hi, who wants a plastic cheeseburger?" She looks psycho, though.
She looks psycho.
I could understand why She's been working.
She's got double shift.
Who, Betty boop? She shaved her eyebrows off and then penciled them back on.
[Laughing] Shows that psycho subtlety, man.
The subtlety is psycho.
Explain to me in the gay community kitschy and tacky.
It seems like it was what did you Kitschy is expected and desired, and tacky is too much girl.
[snaps] [Chuckling] You're gayer than I am.
I know.
[Laughing and applause] I know.
I walk out of my bathroom, it's like a pride fest for one.
I know, I agree.
Now here's a fun fact.
You know, Michael, who's the anti-beeper, he has his own icon celebrity doll collection, including a Cher Barbie doll.
- Oh.
- A Cher Barbie doll.
- That's - is that tacky or kitschy? That's just fabulous.
It's a whole other category.
So David, pro-boop, Michael, anti-boop.
Who do you go for? - I'm anti-boop.
- You're anti-boop.
You're going for Michael, anti-boop.
- Pro-boop.
- Pro-boop.
David, pro-boop.
I'm going with the boop.
[laughing] Just 'cause it sounds like something dirty.
With Betty boop? Yeah.
You don't know what it is, but you wanna get it on with the boop.
Yeah.
Could be Spanish, I don't know.
Boop.
[laughing] I got a thing for latin women, you know.
Betty boop.
I just want to point out that Tracy has hit on every wife in the story, and now a statue.
[Laughing] - You know my style.
- I like it.
[Applause] And we have a winner.
You better be careful, Nathan lane, you might be next.
[Laughing] You know me, baby.
I'm down with o.
P.
P.
You know me.
[Laughing] Fact lady, what does o.
P.
P.
Mean? Don't answer that.
[laughing] Announcer: Coming up, find out who Tom picks to take over his job tonight.
In this instance, I have to say Oh, fingers crossed.
This house was built in 1955.
And this kitchen represents that period, 1955.
- And so does Betty boop.
- No, she doesn't.
She perfectly represents that.
David, it goes back to it needs to be functional, we need someplace to sit.
Why does it have to be functional? Why can't we just have something that looks stylish and cool? [Laughing] [Applause] All right, being this is our last couple, I'm going to let one of you make the last call.
All right? Who is it going to be? In this instance, I have to say You are an expertise on the subject of gay men Kathy.
Yeah.
I'm the gayest dude on this panel, let's be honest.
Now let me tell you how it works.
- Okay.
- You think about it, you can talk about it, whatever you wanna do The same way I've been handling it all show.
- Okay.
- And when it's time to do it, you say, "I'm ready to make the call.
" When you do that, real people will appear up on that screen.
And then you look them in the eye, and you tell them who wins and who loses and why.
David, pro-boop, and Michael, anti-boop.
When you're ready, you say "I'm ready to make the call.
" I'm ready to make the call.
Nothing happened.
[bell dings] Oh.
- The salinero-wise, everybody.
- Hi, everybody.
- Hi, everybody.
[Cheers and applause] Hello, David and Michael, this is Kathy Griffin.
- Hey, Kathy.
- Hey, girls.
Now, look [laughing] Yes, is that bad? I do wanna know how long has Betty boop been in your lives? - About five years.
- Too long.
- Oh! - [laughing] Now let me consult with the rest of my panel, quickly.
And are you pro, or anti Boop? - Uh, I'm anti-boop.
- Okay.
- Anti-boop, Nathan lane.
- Sir? - I'm pro-boop.
- You're pro-boop.
We knew that going in.
All right.
[Giggles] That's not a surprise to anyone here, certainly not Nathan.
- I'm pro-boop 'cause Tracy's pro-boop.
Are you do you get to weigh in as a panelist, Tom? Yeah, 'cause you're the ref now, I'm the panelist.
Okay, but remember, I make the final call, I'm the ref.
You do.
You make the final call.
Right.
Can we ask Do you have any other Betty boop memorabilia that you're? We did, but somebody got rid of it all.
And where's the Cher doll? Oh! [laughing] It's in the closet, where it should be.
[Laughing] But she's very small.
And you know, she doesn't take up a bunch of space.
So Just like Cher.
Yes.
[laughing] All right, in this case I am ready to make my ruling.
- Go ahead.
- Oh, sorry.
Um, I am ruling on behalf of If I'm getting this right David, which means they get to keep the statue.
- Ooh-oh-oh! - Oh! - Congratulations, David.
- All right.
Thanks, Kathy.
Whoo! No, Kathy.
No.
You wanna give them a reason why? Yes, the reason why is because I think that Betty boop is a beloved American icon who unifies people of all sexual orientations.
And I think with her help, we can march on Washington and change things.
[Laughing] [Applause] Well, thanks, guys.
Say good-bye to the salinero-wise, everybody.
- Bye, guys.
- Thank you, bye-bye.
[Applause] And for being such great sports, all our couples tonight will be swept away on a romantic getaway to sandals luxury included royal bohemian spa resort on off-shore Nassau Bahamas island.
[Cheers and applause] We'd like to thank our panel of experts.
Tracy Morgan [cheers and applause] Kathy Griffin [cheers and applause] Nathan lane.
[cheers and applause] And especially to all our couples tonight, thank you for letting us into your marriage.
It's worth fighting for.
Now kiss and make up.
Goodnight, everybody.
Thank you.
Thank you.
[Cheers and applause]