The Marriage Ref (2010) s01e08 Episode Script

Adam Carolla, Gloria Estefan, Donald Trump

[cheers and applause.]
- Tonight, on the marriage ref The well-coiffed and attired Donald Trump - I assume they're not multibillionaires, Would you say? - Probably not.
- The sound machine herself, Gloria Estefan - Stop yelling at me.
That's a trick question.
- He's locked and loaded-- comedian Adam Carolla.
- Can we please just be t-boned By an 18-wheeler so you can put me out of my misery? - Three different hair colors.
Three different tax brackets.
Will they agree on anything? - Duck butt.
- Does it taste like chicken? - Are you sure she's not having an affair? - That is offensive.
- Oh.
- That is my life up there.
- I'm an underwear person.
- You're not shooting a porn.
- Donald, I am talking to you.
- [screams.]
- Damn.
- Now here's the marriage ref, Tom Papa.
[cheers and applause.]
- Thank you.
Hi, welcome to theMarriage Ref.
I'm Tom Papa.
You ever walk down the street and see a couple arguing And suddenly realize it's not your problem? That's a good feeling, isn't it? [laughter.]
Well, we got a lot of those good feelings For you tonight.
Panel, thanks for being here.
Welcome to the show.
So the way we do this is we watch each couple, I discuss it with our panel, They try and convince me who's right, The husband or the wife, And I make the call.
So let's get started.
Let's escape the concrete jungle By hopping on our schwinn sting-rays And cruising into timeless Massapequa Park, New York To meet the Rubins.
Don is hearing voices, And Phyllis is only one of them.
- You know, talking with my friends and everything, And I says, "I'll probably end up marrying her.
" You know, and that was that.
- We really have a good time together, Especially when we're in Atlantic city or Vegas.
Even going shopping at the mall.
We enjoy that too.
Especially when he's in the mood to shop.
Oh, forget it.
Then we're out all day.
- In 0.
2 miles, turn right, then turn left.
- Turn right.
- It said two miles.
- No, 0.
2 miles! - It's gonna take along the seaford-oyster Bay? - I guess so.
- Why are you doing the seaford-oyster Bay? - How do I know? That's where it's telling you to go.
You wa to get lost, Don't go on the seaford-oyster Bay.
Now turn right.
- And you're telling me to turright.
That ain't telling me to turn right.
- The arrow is telling you to turn right.
- Turn right.
- There she is Turn right.
- That's not right.
Why can't I just go to sunrise? - 'cause it says Jerusalem.
- It'll take me out of the way.
- You never list to the GPS.
It said to turn right.
- I know it ain't going-- - Now it's telling you to go to sunrise.
- Oh, you see.
I was right.
- Turn left, then turn right.
- For a ten-minute ride, you're gonna take me All over the neighborhood.
- I ain't taking you all over.
That's taking you all ov.
- Turn right.
- Make a right.
What are you waiting for? What the heck are you doing? I said a right, not a left.
- You should have drove.
- Yeah.
- You should have drove so your mouth wouldn't be gog.
- Thhusband always drives, And the wife always directs.
- I drove for how many years without it? - Your blinker'sn.
- I think we're lost.
- Oh, my God up in heaven.
- Arriving at destination.
- This is Pittsburgh.
- The issue here is what are the rights Of the wife in the passenger seat? - You notice the sad panda up on the dashboard? Like saying--there it is.
- There it is.
- can we please Just be t-boned by an 18-wheeler So you can put me out of my misery? [laughter.]
The other thing I was thinking about Was the GPS lady's voice versus her voice And wh a horrible GPS voice she woulmake.
- Yeah [laughing.]
- Edith bunker in your ear for 20-- "turn right, you putz! What are you doing?" - That is my life up there - that is your life? - Unless you put in your zip code And what color underwear you're wearing, You are not gonna get to the right place, I guarantee you.
- Donald Trump, I don't picture you driving.
But you must do it.
Do you do it? - Actually, I love to do it.
I love to drive.
I consider it a great honor to drive.
I really do like it, but - Not golf.
We're not talking about golf.
Driving an automobile.
And to be fair to Donald, He is driving inside of his house.
His GPS says turn right at the powder room.
Go straight through the library.
Go--not that-- not that dining room.
Go to the main dining room with the Tiffany chandelier.
Thank you.
- I love this moment.
This is a classic husband move right here.
- Turn right.
- Make a right.
What are you waitin' for? What the heck are you doing? I said a right, not a left.
[Tom laughing.]
- his other right.
- Fellas, do you ever turn the wrong way Just to aggravate your wife? - I wouldn't do that.
I don't have the courage to do that.
No, I would just generally try and go to where I'm going.
- Where does Donald Trump go? [laughter.]
- You better not find out, or I'm gonna-- [laughter.]
- You know this guy's probably a decorated veteran From Korea or Vietnam, and he comes home to this.
He's got the crazy-- - Don't point at me.
- Not this.
No, he--no, this is the reason to come home.
No, I'm just sayg it's right in the right ear.
That's where you'd be sitting shotgun.
I'm just saying - What is it about the car that just brings out The male/female husband/wife power struggle? Do you let your wife drive, Adam? - No.
I mean, not-- she can-- She can drive when I'm not in the car With her boyfriend or whatever.
Not with me.
- There you go.
- Even if she does drive and I'm in the passenger seat, I will still reach over and do a little - Do the fake brake thing.
- Yeah.
Oh, it's not fake.
I'll get a foot and an arm over, yeah.
- It is a very male/female thing.
Whenever I need a fact, I go to our very own just the facts ma'am.
From nbc news, the lovely Natalie morales, everyone.
[cheers and applause.]
- Hello.
- Natalie, it is an age-old argument, But is he right? Do men knotheir way around better than women? - Actually, Tom, studies show That men actually do have a better sense of direction Than women.
- Oh [applause.]
And for all the, uh, millions of men That are out there watching this, I'm not gonna overly celebrate.
So if that is true, Gloria - Yes.
- Why all the yelling? - Because men, If you just happen to be differing with them, Automatically call it yelling.
- I'll give you the real answer.
You're captive.
You're locked in a steel cage.
Because at home, it's like this-- "yeah, yeah, I'll take the garbage-- "yeah, okay, I'll do it.
Yeah, no, I'll call-- I'll call a guy.
Let me get some air over here.
" That's what you do at home.
- You're on the move.
- But for that one moment in time, you're belted, Strapped into this Rolling galvanized cage From which there's no escape.
- It's almost like the wedding day itself.
- Yeah.
- oh! - You are going forward whether you like it or not.
All right, so bottom line, Who do you think I should call this for, The husband or the wife? I'll start with you, Adam.
- The husband, hands down.
- Hands down.
- Yeah, I mean, He's clearly the victim here.
He'd drive right through the front door Of a therapist's office and Just plow right through And throw him onto the luggage rack and keep driving.
- Gloria.
- I think in this particular instance, I'd find for the man too.
But I wonder why, if women are so terrible at directions, Why is the GPS a lady? - Wow.
- Correct? Why not put a man there? - Maybe that's why we don't trust them so much.
- Maybe.
- I mean, I have one.
I like her.
I'm turned on by her.
She has an English accent.
She says things like, "in a quarter mile, Exit the motorway.
" I'm like, "you're adorable.
But I'm going straight.
" Okay, Donald.
- I'd have to go for the husband.
I mean, the wife is really pretty tough.
And, you know, as Adam said, He's probably a war hero or something.
And he has to listen to this.
I would absolutely go for the husband.
- All right, three for the husband.
Thank you very much.
I'm rey to make the call.
[bell dings.]
Let's go to massapequa park, New York And see if the rubins have found their way home.
- We're here.
- We're here.
- Hey, guys, great to have you on our show.
Thanks for being here.
- Thank you for having us.
- Okay, so here's my call, guys.
E driver's seat is a sovereign nation.
If we're gonna continue to use the expression, "well, now you're in the driver's seat," It has to mean something.
Don, crank up the stereo and drown them both out.
You win.
[cheers and applauseñ - So he wins.
- That's it.
I won.
What'd you say? [laughter.]
- This isn't gonna keep me quiet either! - Adam, why don't you take it? - Uh, look, obviously A man cannot drive With a parro.
- I'm changing seats.
- Oh, sorry.
I'm just being honest.
Perhaps you should ride in the backseat With one of those dividers up like the Donald.
A nice piece of pliglas Between you and your husband's ears.
It would be a great step in the right direction.
- Well, I gotta say, You probably do get a lot of things done around the house Because of your voe-- is that true? - That is true.
- You know, she should go down to the airport To get the birds outta there so there's no It's a big problem.
You don't wanna shoot 'em.
She could just yell, "go left!" And they would all They would all disperse.
- Well, great talking to you guys.
Thank you so much for being on our show.
The call's been made.
Say good-bye to the rubins, everybody.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- When we come back, We're gonna get this issue absolutely free.
- Damn! I'm tired of coupons! - Something happen with coupons and you When you was a little baby-- what happened? Was you dropped on the head on a book of coupons? Oh! No, you just didn't! - Oh, yeah, he did.
- Coming up, kleptomania strikes the panel.
- My husband, he takes them all home.
I kid you not.
Hundreds of these things.
- I do the same thing.
- Donald Trump! - And later, a pinch hitter.
- I'm going to pick one of you To make the last call.
- That is offensive.
- Let's grab a picnic basket and settle down Under the Shady trees of cedar hill, Texas Where we'll meet the burrises Who have an issue that's a little off.
50 cents off, to be exact.
- It was pretty much a done deal when I seen her And when we started talking.
- We had the jheri curls goin' on, So that's what kinda made me say, oh He's gotta be mine.
I love you.
- I love you too.
That's it? That's all you can do? It ain't the fact that we'll go grocery shopping, But it's the fact that you'll pull out all these damn coupons, And it's just taking up too much time.
- I'm buying stuff for the house.
I'm trying to save us money.
- I just don't wanna go.
That's it.
That's my point.
I don't wanna go shopping with you When you taking all my time up.
- I don't wanna cook for you.
But I do it.
- McDonald's cook all the time.
- Okay, but you gonna run out of funds for McDonald's.
- They got a dollar menu.
- Don't stress out about the coupons And me going to the grocery store-- - I'm not going.
- Yes, you are.
- I'm not going, that's it.
That's just it.
I am not goIng.
[muzak playing.]
- We need some apples and stuff? - Yeah.
I guess.
- We gonna get this one right here.
Got a coupon for it.
Don't ball 'em up now.
I didn't see a coupon for that.
Why you get the biggest one? We got two more left.
- [groaning.]
Ugh! - You work with me, we can get a little system down.
- Wait, that's-- - you gotta work with me.
You can't be arguing and stuff over no coupons! - Work with you? - Not over no coupons, man! - Damn! I'm tired of coupons.
- That shirt.
I got it on a Matter of fact, I had-- - Eehh.
- I had a coupon for that shirt.
- I don't give a damn! I don't wanna go to the damn store And watch you peel out this, look for this, find that.
Then you stand up there and you follow me down the damn aisle Like as if I'm gonna get the wrong thing.
- Something happen with coupons and you When you was a little baby-- what happened? Was you dropped on the head on a book of coupons? I mean, tell me.
I'm trying to get an understanding.
'cause I don't understand this about you and these coupons.
Ah! No, you just didn't! - Now I'm just fine.
- So the issue here is Should he have to go shopping with his wife On this coupon scavenger hunt? Donald Trump, Do you have any idea what we're talking about? - Well, look, I think she's great.
I assume they're not, you know, Multibillionaires, would you say? - Probably not.
- But, you know, she's trying to save money for the family.
She's working hard at it.
I think she's absolutely great.
- Well.
Good, good, good.
Do you agree, Gloria? - I think she's great, But I don't wanna be standing behind her in line When she's paying for that.
- Is she right making him go, though, Adam? - She is humiliating her man with this coupon.
I agree, she's saving money for the family.
That, I-I agree with.
But she shouldn't be dragging him along.
- I mean, I think they have a very good relationship, And they look like a really nice couple.
But she is, bottom line, Trying to save money for the family.
There's nothing wrong with that.
- Right.
- I also like the fact that they're kissing on camera, And he says, "come on, baby, how 'bout a little more? That's all you got?" and like You're not shooting a porn.
- Is that all I get? I got a coupon.
- I got a coupon.
But listen, Gloria, if a guy took you out On a first date and pulled out a two-for-one coupon, He would not get a second date, right? - Probably not.
- So maybe you're not so in love With the coupons after all.
- Listen, I don't have a problem with the coupons.
She doesn't have to force him, but he should at least go.
- Well, every time they shop with coupons, She's saving half of the bill.
- Half of the bill.
- That's a lot.
- Didn't all the big box stores sort of do away with this? - Yes.
- And you have to rationalize it.
Like you have a 55 gallon drum of garbanzo beans.
You're like, "the kids will eat them after we die.
" - We're saving so much.
- Yeah.
- Donald Trump, have you ever used a coupon in your life? - Well, I've never even gone to a Really, a food market with my wife.
So - No! - I'm not into coupons, but I will tell you I would use them.
I mean, I think it's an appropriate thing to do.
- Does your wife ever complain about your expenditures? - She complains about other things Like not having enough time.
But no-- - no, we got time--go ahead.
- Not expenditures, no.
- What was the best deal you ever made? - There is no good deal if you don't have fun with it.
- Right.
I'd have so much fun In, like, the penthouse apartment In one of your buildings.
- A lot of people have fun in those apartments.
- A lot of people do.
- Natalie knows about it.
- I do? - Whoa! Whoa! - How did I get dragged into this? - Can I just do a little compare and contrast my life To the Donald's? - Yes! - Here was my big deal.
At the hotel, I stood in front of the mini fridge for an hour and a half Trying to find sometng that was under $6.
- Gloria, anything you like to save money on? - Actually, I'm the one that saves the most money At the house.
My husband loves to buy me things all the time.
My one pet peeve of his, though-- He has a closet full of those slippers That they give you in the hotel.
- Uh-huh.
- He takes them all home.
You open the thing, and there's like--I kid you not-- Hundreds of these things.
- Any of those slippers in the closet say "Trump" on them? - A few of them.
- But they are good.
- Very good.
- He's right.
I mean, they are good.
- Well, he takes them.
- I do the same thing--I take them out of my own hotels.
- You see? What is this? - All right, here's one more burris item We need you guys to check out.
- Why in the hell I gotta go with you? - S-say that one more time? - WhyIn the hell Do I, I, I - Mm-hmm.
- Have to go with you? - I thought that's what you said.
I'm gonna tell you why you have to go with me.
Because I want you to go with me.
- Ooh.
- 'cause I say so.
- Is that a real reason, or is that just wife logic? - I didn't like that, you know.
I may still be favoring her, But she's gone down a long way.
- Even though he was talking like this? - Well, yeah.
Talking with the hand.
- DonaldI am talking To you.
All right, panelists, bottom line.
Who do I call this for-- husband or the wife? Adam? - Just so you guys don't think I'm a misogynist, I'll go with the wife.
She's trying to save money.
She's a pain in the ass, but she's trying to save money.
- You're so nice.
You're being nice.
I'll go with the wife, too, definitely.
Poor thing, she's trying to do something good.
- Right.
Donald Trump.
- Well, it was 100% for the wife.
Now it's about 51% for the wife.
I didn't like that last clip at all.
- But going for the wife.
- I go for the wife.
- All three of you.
Okay, thank you very much.
I'm ready to make the call.
[bell dings.]
Let's go to cedar hill, Texas, And meet the burrises, two for one.
- Hello.
- Hi! - Hey, guys.
How are you? Thanks for being on our show.
- Thank you for having us.
- Thank you for having me.
- Oh! - All right, guys.
Well, here's my call.
And I think everyone on the panel Pretty much was in the same line of thinking.
And antwon, I know you're thinking about this.
I'm thinking about it.
And then I thought, "what are we thinking about?" Your wife is saving you cash.
All you have to do is shut up and push the cart.
Lazaundra, you win.
[cheers and applause.]
- Sorry for you, baby.
- Aw! - No, no, no.
Antwon, I'm gonna have a businessman explain Why this is a good thing.
Donald Trump, tell antwon why he wins too.
- Well, you win 'cause you really have a nice wife, And she's trying to save money.
She can be a little bit oppressive, perhaps [laughter.]
But you're an attractive couple - Thank you.
- And she's actually very beautiful, antwon, So you're my hero.
- All right, at least I won something.
- Great talking to you guys.
Thank you so much for being on our show.
The call's been made.
Say good-bye to the burrises, everybody.
- Coming up - Are you sure She's not having an affair? - They're talking about beauty, But it's gonna get ugly.
- She's hot andHe's not.
- No, he was cute.
- He's not cute.
Are you kidding? Listen.
She's too hot for him.
Donald knows what I'm talking about.
No, that's a compliment! All right, let's load the surfboards into the woodie and Head out to Pico Rivera in sunny Southern California.
Where we'll meet the Gallans, Who've been throwing some elbows, He's a loving guy, He's just a good guy, hard worker, he's just fun to be with.
Sometimes I come home stressed out, and she just throw that smile at me, she'll say ok.
And that's what I really love, th that's smile.
It comforts me when I'm mad.
I need to go to practice, so Can you cook? I'll be back.
Can I cook? It seems it's like all I do now.
- Can you just cook some - Eggs? Yea, sure.
Os there any bacon? I'm getting tired of eggs and bacon for dinner.
It's not right.
I end up doing all this cooking three days a week and and on Saturday cause I won't I refuse to go to her game.
I'll get angry enough and I'll just go out to dinner just by myself.
People look at you like you're a loser or something.
What's the matter with the arm? - Ron, don't start.
- You're getting older.
You're not you're not young like when you started.
I'm not getting older.
- Oh yeah? - How were the eggs? How was your dinner? - Was it good? - Oh it's funny buy me a chicken, I'm more fun with a chicken.
I could talk with the chicken.
I can talk to the chicken at the table by myself.
- I have practice on Thursday too.
- It's getting ridiculous wife, come on.
I'm tired of arguing with you.
It's not arguing.
I am trying to get a point across to your brain.
How come you make sure I got three dozen eggs in the refrigerator? Are you gonna be gone for the rest of the week? Alright, I'll make you something to eat tomorrow.
- Hmm, what you gonna make me? - Eggs.
So the issue here is, can a spouse of an athlete tell him it's time to hang them up? It's a legitimate sport, I actually lost quite a few dollars on it - last season - I thought it was gonne be teeth.
But isn't this the reason why women try to step out of the comfort zone, a place where normally they don't go.
A little like you with Dancing with the stars, kind of a thing.
Right? Cause that's out of your comfort zone.
Well, can I say this? She's hot.
And he's not.
- He's cute.
- He's not cute.
- Yes he is.
- You're kidding.
You t hrow him out of your tour bus.
- I like that mustache.
- No, he's cute.
- You like the mustache? - I like the mustache.
- I like hairy guys - Hairy guys? Listen, she's too hot for him.
Donald knows what I'm talking about.
No, that's a compliment.
The point is, she's hot, she's in a hot sport, he should support that sport she's burning calories, she's moving around like a 30-year-old, - he should get with the times - Nathalie, is this is this fake? Is roller derby like - National wrestling kind of thing? - No, it's real.
They're really out there, I mean she is spending a lot of time at practice.
Just to give you an idea, 3 times a week, it's from 5 to 11pm and then on the week end, she's gone at her match every Saturday from about 4pm until midnight or 1am.
Are you sure she's not having an affair? Who would do this? Who would spend that kind of time? And that's dangerous.
He is concerned for her well being.
I mean, this looks pretty dangerous to me.
Entertainment or not, that is a real table, a real head and a real neck.
It probably really hurt.
I liked the fact that he called her "wife".
- I I really did.
- Can we play that again? I have practice on Thursday too.
It's getting ridiculous wife, come on.
All her derby is affecting my lovelife.
So does lying in bed with all your clothes on.
Does Donald Trump have pajamas? I'm an underwear person.
- Underwear person? - I sleep in my underwear.
And those slippers.
And my slippers.
- Gloria, who do you think? - I'm I'm torn.
I'm very torn here, because I think that that woman should have something that she wants to do, and loves and enjoys, - Yeah.
- At the same time, it's a dangerous thing what she's doing - But who you're gonna go for? - Well, I'd say at least go get a hobby, maybe take a cooking class.
Ha, there you go, so that's more toward the wife.
Okay, Adam? He should join the team.
I mean he should become like the equipment manager, or the coach or something, you know what I mean? I I I just, in a world where so many women hang out, and do nothing, and watch their stories, or worse me on Dancing with the Stars the fact that she's out there, and she's vital, and she's kickin ass I I just, I'll go with the wife.
Okay, I'm ready to make the call.
Let's go to California and bring up the actual Gallans in their actual home.
Hey, great to see you guys.
The swelling seems to have gone down.
- Hi.
- How are you tonight? - We're doing good.
- We're doing good.
All right, here is my call.
Ron, I understand your concern for your wife, but aging roller derby is a problem that solves itself you don't need to stop, or there's 12 other women out there who will eventually put an end to this.
Patsy, skate till you break, you win! Thank you! I can't believe it.
Well, alright - Oh, thank you.
- You're welcome, you're welcome.
No way.
- Gloria, did you have a question? - Yeah, huh, actually I'm torned because you know what, it's dangerous what you do.
i didn't know it was so violent, and he loves you, so I can see why he might not want you to break.
Gloria's torn like your meniscus is gonna be.
Well, the call has been made.
Say good bye to the Gallans, everybody.
When we come back, we're gonna paddle around in this.
I knew if I was a duck, and I'd give an egg, and it went to waste, I would be really offended by that.
to California's inland empire.
To the rotal city of Fontana, and meet the Changs.
Something is a afoul.
He's my prince charming.
He's just He's wonderful.
We're going to be great as an old couple together.
just sitting around.
and I can just see being with her forever, so.
Oh Look who we got.
I'm not eating this duck's eggs.
- That makes no sense.
- They came out of my pet's bottom.
- That's just - I understand that but where do you think the eggs from the store you get, where do you think they came from? You wanna go spend good money and buy eggs at the store when we have one here that we're gonna have to throw - away.
- It's like $1.
59 to buy chicken eggs.
Yeah, but that's not the point.
- The point is these are gonna go to waste.
- No they're not, cause you can eat them.
I can't eat 20 eggs.
Lucky has to go through a lot of work I see her out there, sitting on eggs all day.
And I don't know If she has any pain when they come out or not but, they're pretty big eggs, and she's not a very big duck, so I knew if I was a duck, and I'd give an egg, and it went to waste I'd be very offended by that.
Do you really think she wants you to remove those eggs? - Those are her babies.
- They're not even gonna hatch.
- We've got 2 female ducks.
- I know but these are still her eggs.
She's actually disappointed that you're not gonna eat them.
Think about it.
Why else would she be laying them? I mean they're not to have new chick- to have duck ducklings.
Why not leave them out there, and let her sit on them? You're gonna make her sit on eggs, that are never even hatch cause we don't have any male ducks and she's gonna be out there wasting her time, when she could be in the sun relaxing, instead she's gonna be sitting on these eggs.
We should decorate the eggs for Easter.
Yeah, and then eat them afterwards.
- I'm done.
- It's not logical.
So the issue here is if your pet produces something edible are you obligated to eat it? Subject is ducks.
Donald Duck.
You know she's she's in all fairness, she's being forced to eat something that perhaps she doesn't wanna eat, we all know bout that.
And that's not a good thing.
- But it's very - What do you mean, we all know about that? Wait, wait, what do you mean by we all know about that? Let's not get into that.
Wait a minute.
Adam, what is he talking about? I uh, not pate.
- Are they gonna leave this on television? - Yes! Oh.
- Donald Trump.
- I'm only talking about food that you don't like.
You're force to eat food that you don't like.
- Okay.
- And she's sort of being forced, I don't know, it's just And should you allow your dog's afro to go untended? I love how the dog keep running into the kitchen like "we're cool, right, you're talking about the ducks, you're talking about the ducks, right?" We're cool.
Love the sweater.
Thanks for the sweater.
I could use a comb, just sayin'.
- How often does a duck lay eggs? - They actually they lay eggs everyday.
- Everyday, they lay eggs? And they don't, they don't - Yeah, everyday.
they don't turn into chicks.
Why? Well, we've got two females here, so that's - why.
- But couldn't they have some lesbians? Yeah, lesbian ducks.
Yeah, you never see them on the menu.
Order the lesbian duck, it is out Out of this world, people.
Spicy lesbian duck.
One spicy lesbian duck, out of this world.
I think her should slip it to her, like sweetie I made you protein shake.
He does slip it to her.
He does apparently slip it to her when she doesn't He does? Oh, really? We wanna hear about that part.
Oh, not like that.
No, he.
when he makes food, he you know, uses the eggs.
- Really? - Without her knowing.
So why is there-- because there's no male duck? So how? Exactly.
No fertilization.
What? So what hap-- do you know how-- where do the ducks--how-- what? You don't know how this works? Well the eggs are-- does he do it-- does he plant-- I have birds.
I've seen them do it.
So, if you haven't, it's the same.
Wait, so the male has to fertilize the eggs.
You slip them one of those dirty duck magazines.
Is that how it goes, Gloria? - They have to do something that rhymes with duck.
- Exactly.
Oh! Nicely put.
Ok, when we come back, I'm gonna peck my way out of this one.
[cheers and applause.]
- All right, we're back with the changs.
We got a little more of this scramble for you.
- My hairdresser told me if she had a pet duck And her duck laid eggs And it came out of her duck's bottom, She said that she would have a problem eating them too.
- This is our first pet we have Where they're actually gonna give us something back.
We're getting a return on our investment right now.
- Well, first off, let's just examine The duck's name, lucky.
- Yeah.
- You're living in a four-by-six pen.
Lucky it is not.
- What do you think, Adam, about the juggling of the eggs? He's so, "I don't want to offend the duck.
I don't want to offend the duck.
" But [humming circus music.]
- Yeah, right.
- Here are your babies.
- Yeah, he was really taunting that duck, you know? - I don't think I've ever had a duck egg.
Does it taste like chicken? - Well, they say it actually tastes a little bit Like duck meat.
It's a little more of that gamy taste.
It's also higher in fat and higher in cholesterol Than a regular chicken egg.
- Do you serve duck at the Trump restaurants? - We serve duck.
We don't serve duck eggs, but we serve duck.
We serve duckling.
- Duckling? - Duckling.
- What do you mean duckling? - You can charge more when you call it duckling.
But, you know, it's interesting.
He's a much more sympathetic person than her.
- Than her? - I think so.
- Because of the juggling? - A minute ago you didn't want her to eat the eggs.
Now you flipped.
- Nah, but he's more-- He's pathetic but sympathetic.
- I got a solution.
- Go ahead.
- Everyone's gonna be happy.
- Uh-oh.
- You go online and you do that thing Where you find out where the sexual predators are, you know? - Uh-huh.
- And you find the closest one to your house.
- Okay.
- And you go egg it.
Right? [applause.]
You've gotten rid of the duck eggs.
You've used them on a good cause.
Hopefully the guy's been taught a very valuable lesson About preying on people sexually.
And everyone's happy.
- What is the question anyway? - Oh, how to vote on this? You gotta pick a side, husband or the wife? - But the question is: If we pick him, He force-feeds her the eggs? - Yeah.
- I don't think force-feeding Anyone anything should be allowed in marriage.
- So the wife? - That's a trick question.
- Why is it trick? Husband or wife? - Because I also don't agree with what, You know, what she's saying, That the thing is just they couldn't eat them Just because it's coming out of the duck's bottom.
That's not true.
- Uh-huh.
Donald Trump, do you serve the duck? - Well, I really like him much better than I like her.
But at the same time, she is being force-fed something She doesn't like.
I'm not into that world.
So I think I probably have to go with her.
- Adam, if you had to, husband or wife, Which way would you go? - I'll just-- here's why.
I'll say the wife.
- Okay.
- Because he is not making a compelling argument As to why she should eat the duck eggs Or what they should do with the duck eggs.
Every time they go to him and say, "what about the duck eggs? What do you want me to do?" Her just goes, "derr," and he winds his beanie up, And he's like-- - starts juggling.
- If he could put something together, I could get behind him, but he's too scattered.
- All right, thank you, Adam.
I'm ready to make the call.
[bell dings.]
Let's go to Southern California And bring up the real-life changs In their daffy digs.
[cheers and applause.]
Hi, guys.
Thanks for being on our show.
Both: Hi.
- Okay, here's my call, guys.
Gloria actually, in her confusion, Made the most sense.
This is kind of this weird, gray area with the two of you.
So, Gloria, I'm basing this on your confusion.
Since there's no way to tell If you're offending a duck, We should allow the duck to be the one Who decides where the eggs go.
So guess what.
Lucky, you win.
We're ving you your own egg stand.
And can I ask you this question? Just because it's on our minds, Why the afro on the dog? [laughter.]
- Rob cut his hair to be like that.
- The reason our dog has an afro Is because I don't like the traditional poodle cut.
So I wanted to make this dog look a little different.
- Right, so you were going For, like, bad-ass poodle.
- Exactly.
- I think someone's gonna come to your house shortly And take every animal away from you.
The call's been made.
Say good-bye, everybody.
- Bye.
- Good-bye, changs.
- Bye.
- Coming up, Gloria's dastardly plan.
- If I was in her situation, I'd wait till it's really dark.
When he gets up to go to the bathroom, See how he likes it.
- Plus Tom quits and picks a panelist To take over the show.
- It's not easy, but it's a lot of fun.
- Okay, kids, we've got just enough time For one more quick one.
Meet the cavallaros.
- I love Anthony because he-- - 'cause I'm dead sexy.
[both laugh.]
- We just got along.
We had fun.
- Give me one good reason why he's gotta go.
- He doesn't belong here.
- The truth of the matter is there's nothing wrong with it.
- Ant, he can't-- if we had a room for it-- - There was nothing there.
It was a blank wall.
- Every time I walk by and see it, it's creepy.
It looks at you.
- Your father likes it.
My brother likes it.
Dennis liked it.
- I'll have the last laugh.
And I got [indistinct.]
- I gotta tell you something.
If I come home and that thing is gone, God help you.
[cheers and applause.]
- That is offensive.
It is an offensive stereotype from the turn of the century, The cigar store Indian.
- Right.
- Yeah.
- Do you know why they had those cigar store indians? They had 'em because people couldn't read.
People couldn't read back then, So you had the Indian out there And people knew, "that's where I get my smoke.
" Which is even more offensive.
Donald, who decorates your home? - Well, I have various decorators, But I will tell you cigar store indians Are very, very valuable now.
Why can't the Indian, why can't it stay? If he likes it, she doesn't have to love it.
I mean, she's supposed to be-- - If I was in her situation, I'd wait till it's really dark And move the thing near him by the bed.
When he gets up to go to the bathroom And kinda like sneak it around the house a few times To see how he likes it.
Maybe he won't like it so much then.
[cheers and applause.]
There you go.
It's haunting.
- All right, well, since this is the final couple tonight, I'm going to pick one of you to make the last call.
And it is going to be Gloria.
- Oh, boy.
- That's right.
- [indistinct.]
- Gloria, now, this is how it's gonna work.
You think about it and when you're ready You say, "I am ready to make the call.
" When you say that, real people appear Right up there.
- Yeah.
- It's an amazing thing.
- Okay, I think I'm ready to make the call.
[bell dings.]
- Anthony and Patti cavallaro, everybody.
- Hey, everyone! - Hey, Tom! - How are you? - Gloria Estefan, make the last call - Anthony and Patti.
- Hey, Gloria.
How are you? - Oh, boy.
Oh, this is gonna be tough for me.
You know, this is very tough.
- It's staying, Gloria.
- Hold on.
- Hello.
I'm the judge here.
Don't you tell me what's gonna happen here.
- Tell him, Gloria.
- All right, no, no.
See, this is tough, this is tough.
Your job is not easy.
- It's not easy.
- Okay, just to make, you know, marriage work-- You've been married 13 years, right? - It'll be 14 years next week.
- Okay, I've been married 32 years.
There's lots of things that my husband has bought That I don't particularly love.
There's lots of things that I've bought That he disappears immediately when I buy it If he doesn't like it.
I would say that you should compromise And find somewhere in the house That you don't have to see the Indian as much.
- Husband or the wife.
- Oh, lord.
Okay, it stays, But you can put a blanket over it.
- Ah-ha! The husband wins.
- It's staying.
- That's so not right.
- Give him a kiss.
- I'm not kissing him.
- Good job, Gloria.
Say good-bye to the cavallaros, everyone.
- Bye-bye, guys.
Thank you.
Thank you, Gloria.
[cheers and applause.]
- And for being such great sports, All our couples will receive a romantic second honeymoon Furnished by breezes runaway Bay resort And golf club in Jamaica.
- Are you serious? - Nice! Nice! [cheers and applause.]
- All right, we'd like to thank our panel of experts, Adam Carolla, Gloria Estefan, And Donald Trump.
[cheers and applause.]
And especially to all our couples tonight, Thank you for letting us into your marriage.
It's worth fighting for.
Now kiss and make up.
Good night, everybody.
- ? let's stay together ? together - ? loving you whether ?
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