The Marriage Ref (2010) s01e09 Episode Script

Sarah Silverman, Matthew Broderick and Martin Short

Male announcer: Tonight on the Marriage Ref Martin short.
Hey! You've got to be sensitive to your wife's needs.
And in my case, Make sure your personal assistant fulfills them, But that's me.
Announcer: Sarah Silverman.
When you're in love, You have to support each other's passions, And she should support his love of lord of the rings.
He should support her love of diet pills Or whatever her hobby is.
Announcer: And Matthew Broderick.
Something about this whole thing is wrong.
One's fizzy, one's dizzy, one's busy, And they all get mixed together tonight.
You bastard.
It's not a competition.
You're a sex maniac.
This has gotta stop.
He's not a boyfriend! He's a friend that's a boy.
You look incredibly sexy right now.
Thank you.
Announcer: Plus a surprise, one of the stars Of late night comedy controversy.
[cheers and applause.]
Now here's the marriage ref, Tom Papa.
Welcome to The Marriage Ref, I'm Tom Papa.
Tonight we're gonna watch real couples with real-life arguments, And we're gonna give them the one thing They've always wanted-- A winner.
So the way we do this is we watch each couple, I discuss the issue with the panel, They try and sway me In favor of the husband or the wife, And then I make the call.
All right, first up, Let's traverse the thrilling nautical skyway Of the Chesapeake Bay bridge-tunnel On our way to Colonial Abingdon, Maryland, Where we meet the Arringtons, Who are trying to sort out a Scheduling conflict.
When I first met my wife, tee, I was just really kind of captivated by her eyes, And then I wound up asking her for a phone number.
It's like, I just knew, I was like, "that's gonna be my man.
" It's like you got energy For everything else that's going on, But you don't have any energy for me.
You a sex maniac.
I could be dead asleep.
"wake up.
Mmm! Got something for you.
" I'm trying to get ready to get out of the house, And you talkin' about you got something for me.
Babe, if I don't take those opportunities, It's not happening.
I could be sick I mean, sick.
What is it like? Like you're retired to, like, the barn, You don't come out running with us anymore? What is it? It's like, why even try? So I go down there and play video games And play call of duty, Because I'm not playing call of Booty.
All I'm looking for is some consistency.
But it seems like consistency-- - I was consistent with once a week.
That's four time a month! Come on! The bible, it says that, "woman love your husband.
" love.
It didn't say "have sex with your husband All the time, three, four, five times a week.
" When was the last time You bought me a purse or something? That was when we were in Atlantic city.
But you got sex [indistinct.]
- Yeah! - Okay.
So in other words, we have to equate Me buying you stuff with sex? - Shopping--if you're bringing me gifts or something I enjoy, Sex is what you enjoy.
Step up to the plate a couple of more times, And, you know I think I step up to the plate.
Babe, if you was in baseball, They would have you in the minors.
[cheers and applause.]
Wow! Okay, the Arringtons.
The issue here is Well, I think we all know what the issue is.
Some people want things, Some people have things, Some people want things that other people have, And some people just want you to get that thing Away from them.
I think it's very dangerous, Because you've got to make sure That the bedroom activities, um, Are an important part of the marriage, And they've gotta get that equation going.
I don't know why I did that, but - It's the testicles.
- Yeah.
'cause that's what it is.
But they gotta figure that out.
One time a week does not seem enough.
And, um [applause.]
I don't think it's enough.
Thoughts, Sarah? I don't know, Tom.
It's a real quandary.
That hooked on phonics really worked for you, didn't it? I think that sex is important.
- [purring.]
- If she's not feeling sexual Right.
[cheers and applause.]
There are other ways There are other ways She can help him in other ways, Even if she isn't-- - You're losin' me.
What do you mean? Like, okay, give me an example.
She could give him a hand.
[cheers and applause.]
Wow! Very elegant.
She mentions the bible at one point.
Uh, Natalie, what does the bible say About marital relations? Oh, lord.
The bible says "this at last is bone of my bone "and flesh of my flesh.
"she shall be called 'woman, ' "and the man and his wife were both naked And were not ashamed.
" No wonder they keep one in every hotel room.
[cheers and applause.]
There are some tools here that Therman has, Which I don't think he's using.
I mean, there is a romance element to this.
You can't just sit there and ask for it.
I mean, look right here.
Halfway through that mini-bar, He could start giving her handbags she already has.
"Uhh! Got somethin' for you.
" What about the romance? Don't you think a guy should be a little, well Little touches, a little something, Rather than just, "hey, hey, hey.
" It's nice to give, um, You know, someone a gift like a purse, But it shouldn't be like a payment.
That makes me crazy.
I don't like that with women.
This has gotta stop.
- This, "buy me-- buy me something.
" [cheers and applause.]
It's embarrassing.
[baby talk.]
buy me something.
Buy me something.
You're right.
It was like some sort of sex-for-handbag hostage swap.
Is that asking too much, Matthew? Well, she might mean be more generous in some way.
You know, it was not exactly, "if you buy a handbag of this value, I will perform the following one of two options.
" [laughing.]
- It--I think it's more, you know, "be romantic with me.
" That would be the nice way to look at it, And it's possible that's what she means.
She might--although, she might just mean, "pay this amount and I'll give in.
" - But I must admit-- But it did sound a little like bartering, you know? - It did.
- "I got the purse, You got some love-makin'.
" You look incredibly sexy right now.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
But in her defense, If his idea of romantic seduction Is, "uhh! Got somethin' for you.
" Right.
- That's what my fed-ex guy says to me.
And he comes more than once a week.
[cheers and applause.]
Line of the week! That's in the promo.
So what do you think, panelists? Who do you think I call it for? Marty? Oh, I'd say you call it for the, um, husband, Because I think that the attitude's wrong, The amount is wrong - Uh-huh.
For the husband.
Sarah? If I may, I'd like to call it a draw, Tom, Because I feel that-- - [Imitates buzzer.]
You know, sex is an important part of a relationship.
That should be respected.
But at the same time, He need to learn what gets her, You know, in the mood for sex, Or at least in the mood to want to satisfy him If she isn't going to be.
That's a good point.
I like that point.
Very clever.
Matthew? I think Sarah put it much better than Martin, First of all.
AndAnd, um You bastard.
It's not a competition.
[mouthing words.]
Yeah, I feel it would be awkward to say he's right.
I'm not comfortable with that.
Tom? Tom? Tom? Yes, Marty? - I'd like to change my vote.
- No.
- I think it's very hard-- I don't envy you, dude.
I don't think that it's an easy one.
Well, thank you for all of that, panel.
But I think I am ready to make the call.
[bell clangs.]
let's go to Abingdon, Maryland, And say hello to the actual Arringtons In their actual home.
[cheers and applause.]
Arringtons! Hey! Hello.
You guys look great.
Thanks for being on our show.
You havin' a good time so far? Yes, yes, yes.
Yes, a wonderful time, thank you.
Guys, my call is this.
Therman, you got a great personality.
You got a beautiful wife.
I'm on your side, But what I need you to do is stop by a florist And just stand on the street, Stare in the window, Watch the people come and go.
You and I both know no one needs flowers to live, So the question is, Why is this a business? Why is the candy store so busy? Why do romantic restaurants take dinner reservations? Tee, you win.
[cheers and applause.]
Wow! You understand what I'm saying, therman? Tom, I was trying to say something.
Tom, I was doing this for every guy out there.
You know, it starts off at three and two and one.
I'm just trying to keep it consistent Before it goes to none and I fade away to dust.
Okay, how about you be consistent, too? [laughing.]
See, that's an example.
"consistency," not a romantic word.
That's something you want from your appliances.
Exactly, consistency, yeah.
I don't mean you should go crazy.
How about a t-shirt with a tuxedo on it? [cheers and applause.]
I do all those things, Tom.
Oh, not consistently.
[cheers and applause.]
- Bye-bye.
Announcer: Coming up, another man.
Is he a friend? Is he a boy? He's not a boyfriend! He's a friend that's a boy! Something about this whole thing is wrong.
[cheers and applause.]
[cheers and applause.]
- Next, we choo-choo into Chesterland, Ohio, Near the sparkling shores of Lake Erie, To meet the Arkenbergs, Amber and Guy And some other guy.
My girlfriend and I went to this pub, And he was there.
And we saw each other, And it was love at first sight.
- My first-- I was in love with-- It was love at first sight.
I knew I was gonna marry him.
It's been blissful ever since.
Blissful? [laughing.]
Matt is like a girlfriend, okay? He's like having a girlfriend.
- But Matt's a guy.
- So what? - Do you realize you having a boyfriend-- - It's not a boyfriend! He's a friend that's a boy! But it is a boy.
He's a-- all right, your man friend.
How's that? Your man friend.
There are different kinds of guys, okay? There's guy's guy.
Guys like you.
Matt is not like that.
I've always been better friends with women, And I've always been a good listener.
I can understand their problems, And I love women, so I like to talk to 'em.
He has more shoes in his closet Than I could ever, ever afford.
But that's beside the point.
He wears pink, he loves clothes.
- But you're not underst-- - We relate.
Look, when I met him, he told me what a stud he was.
He showed me pictures on his phone Of all these women that he's either dating Or playing around with right now, And so I can't understand how he could be such a stud And not have any intentions toward my gorgeous wife.
I can be friends with a woman, And it's not my objective to sleep with her.
2012, when all the planets align, You know, something could happen.
If you go to the barbershop enough times, You're gonna get your hair cut.
[cheers and applause.]
The first thing I want to say To Mr.
And Mrs.
Arkenberg, Put the knives down! So the issue here, Is it okay for Amber to have this guy For a man friend? What do you think? I think that jealous people Are people who can see it in their own lives to cheat.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Very interesting.
I don't think people who would never think to cheat Are jealous people.
But I see what he's up to.
He's like, "oh, I like clothes.
I like pink shoes.
" He's a double Agent.
[cheers and applause.]
Sarah, do you feel like you control those relationships When you're just friends with a guy? Do you feel like it's up to you If this is gonna turn sexual or not? No, I've never considered Any of my guy friends to be Lovers.
But I--when I'm dating somebody, I don't see anybody else in a sexual way.
- Right, but - And if-- You know, if you have a roving eye, You might be more prone to be jealous.
- But, you know, don't you think-- And then I want to hear from matth-- But don't you think that Don't you think that Even if it's not about sex, If it upsets him Right.
Then she should be responsive to that? I mean, how fascinating is this, um, guy? So he toured in Annie once.
Big deal.
Let me point out a couple of interesting items here That I didn't like.
Here you go: Drinking in the afternoon, Maxed-out porn phone, And an unaffiliated sideburn.
[cheers and applause.]
A sideburn with no head of hair To explain where it comes from.
Is it part of the beard? Is it part of the scalp? Who do you belong to? So if your boyfriend had a best friend Who was a woman, And they spent a lot of time with each other, And let's just say she was bald with one sideburn, Would that be a problem for you? No.
I mean, no.
I mean, Natalie, how many times Does an average male have a sexual thought? - Well, the Kinsey institute says 52-- Every 52 seconds.
- 52 seconds? - Yes.
All right, and how long Is your average happy hour at a bar? Two hours.
- Two hours? - Yeah.
So that's a minimum of 120 times That this guy's thinking about leaping out of his chair On top of this woman.
And now--and now, soak his brain In what looks like 52 ounces of afternoon alcohol.
You can see why this husband's a little concerned.
How long has she known the new gentleman? They're old High School friends, To answer your question, But they re-connected on Facebook just two years ago.
[crowd ohs.]
Oh! Everybody goes back on Facebook, And they're like, "oh, remember, I had a crush on you In third grade.
" Do they ever do things all three of them, Or she only sees him separately? Like are there-- are they, uh You know, they ever go to those things That three people go to? What is that? Don't know what that would be.
What is that thing? Like sack races, or? Yeah.
You know, at a carnival.
- Three-legged race with each leg tied up.
So anyway [laughter.]
But you know what I mean? Do they cross-friend? Are they friends? Is he friends with him, too? Um, it's more Amber and mat They like to shop together, Take pictures together.
They like to take pictures together.
- Not together.
- What does that mean? - What does that mean? - She's a photographer.
- She's a photographer.
- Yes.
And he's like, "take a look at this.
" All right, let's take a break.
Stay with us.
[cheers and applause.]
Announcer: Coming up, this TV series Gets even weirder.
I'm very puzzled about these people.
I know.
If I could just call on some guy To help me out right now.
All right, we're back with the Arkenbergs, Amber and Guy.
Then answer me this then.
Then if I can go on the computer And I'll try to reconnect with some of my old girls that-- - Just to prove a point, You're gonna go and try to find girlfriends? No, I'll go try to reconnect with some of the girls I was friends with in High School, And you would be okay with me-- - And they'll be going, "I remember guy.
"he was student council president.
"he was the hottest guy in the school.
Hell yeah, I'll hook up with you.
" That was in junior high When I was student council president.
[cheers and applause.]
All right, Matthew, I'm gonna put you on the spot first.
I'm very puzzled about these people.
I know.
Something about this whole thing is wrong.
It feels wrong, that's what the husband's feeling.
The husband thinks it's wrong.
You're getting heavily into this.
Yeah, the husband is right to be concerned.
Okay, husband.
Sarah? - She should support-- If he likes something, she should support it.
Well, she likes this guy, she likes hanging out with him.
She wouldn't be hanging out with him out in the open If there was something Shady going on.
It would be, like, secret text messages and stuff.
But she's open book, and it's her friend.
Good point.
I like that, Sarah.
- And I want to change.
- You want to change? - Yeah.
- I'll let you change.
- You want to change? - You can change.
- That sounded good to me.
- That sounded good to you? Okay, let's see what he sounds like to you.
I might change again.
Let me see.
Martin? - I would say 100%-- There's no real question to this-- 100% on the husband's side.
Because "a," it's inappropriate.
And it doesn't even matter if there's hanky-panky, And there could be.
But if it doesn't make him comfortable, Then she should respect that more than anything and say, "honey, you know, I don't agree with you, "but there's two men here and I love you, "and I want to keep you happy.
And I hope you'll return the favor to me someday.
" So of course I'm on the husband's side.
All right.
[cheers and applause.]
So-- All right.
I don't think it's healthy to tell your spouse Who they can and can't hang out with.
Okay, all right.
All right, all right.
I have to say, I mean, we have a husband, We have a wife, we have a husband/wife.
I really wish there was one more opinion.
Someone who's been through the fires, Been through the wars, and still standing tall.
If I could just call on some guy like that To help me out right now.
[cheers and applause.]
How are you? Jay.
How are you, buddy? [cheers and applause.]
How are you? Thank you, thank you.
I was passing by, and I heard the argument.
What are you doing here? You know, I'm watching this.
And I think back to when I was single And I was working comedy clubs.
And I had a friend who was a stripper Named silver moon.
Now silver moon was my friend.
We never had a relationship, And I would go to her for guidance And ask her questions.
My wife tended to frown on silver moon.
So we are no longer friends.
- And so I gotta go-- see, watching this, Here's a guy, he says, "my beautiful wife.
" He's jealous.
How many guys married 18 years Hope their wife get hit by a bus? Here's a guy-- You know, here's a guy, he's jealous.
He's still in love, and he gets jealous.
So I say, "okay.
" And I'm not saying you have to tell them Who they can and can't be with, But if I was the wife I would respect the wishes And go, "you know, if it makes you that uncomfortable" - Right.
- Side with the guy.
All right, side with the guy.
[cheers and applause.]
Let me know how this 10:00 spot works out for you.
I'd be curious.
It feels kinda comfortable.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I like it.
I think I'm ready to make the call With the help of my friends here.
[bell dings.]
Let's go to Chesterland, Ohio, and bring up The real Arkenbergs in their real-life living abode.
[cheers and applause.]
How you guys doing? Good.
How are you? Good.
Are you alone? May I speak freely? [laughter.]
Yeah, we shipped the kids out till later on this evening.
Okay, wasn't talking about the kids.
- No boyfriend here.
- Yeah.
I was talking about your own silver moon.
No silver moons here.
I gotta say when I look at you, I see a woman that loves her husband obviously.
I see a woman that can be trusted.
I see a happy family, a blissful, fulfilling homelife.
When I see your man friend, I see a bald, rogue-sideburned homewrecker.
[cheers and applause.]
The dude's gotta go.
You win.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you very much.
We'll see you guys around.
[cheers and applause.]
Thank you to Jay Leno, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
Announcer: Coming up, manscaping-- Where do you shave the line? - I don't shave my chest.
- Yes, you do.
I trim, I buzz.
He straightens each strand.
I think he should let his freak flag fly.
[laughter and applause.]
Okay, let's let our sails out And catamaran into the shimmering shores Of Lake Ronkonkoma, New York, To see what's percolating with the d'amores.
Debbie and I met in High School.
37 years we've been together.
You still look 17.
Oh, stop.
- Do I look nice today? - You look gorgeous.
Why do I have to ask you? I thought we were talking about me.
- I'll have a cup of decaf.
- Decaf.
Okay, would you-- - But I only want it if it's freshly brewed In the last 20 minutes.
In the last 20 minutes.
I got a new one just for you.
- You do? I'll know.
- All right.
What time did you brew that pot? I usually brew a fresh one at 3:00 when I come in.
Now you want me to drink from that 3:00 pot? It's 4:30.
When you pour the milk in, it's supposed to turn-- Like, it's supposed-- You don't even have to take a spoon to it.
It's like a good haircut.
I apologize.
Because you didn't have to hear all that.
All she coulda said to you was, "can I have a cup of freshly brewed decaf coffee, please?" - Listen, you know-- did I bother you? What's ever good for you.
I'm here to accommodate you.
- Okay, then just bring me a fresh pot of-- - You know what, I want a fresh cup of decaf.
Okay, sir.
Do you know how much it costs them To brew a pot of decaf? Three cents.
Three cents.
I'm not worth three cents? Oh, my God.
See? You see it? Look.
Mario, look.
It doesn't, like-- it doesn't swirl.
It just sits.
Very, very sad to me.
I need a good two hours, Debbie.
You know that.
Why does it take you two hours? What is going on in that bathroom? - You know, it's the hair.
- I want to come in and watch.
I don't shave my chest.
Yes, you do.
I trim, I buzz.
I buzz.
It looks horrible.
- No, it--no, it doesn't.
To whom? To who's looking at it, me.
Mario, what are you doing? I have to blow out my hair.
I have to finish shaving.
I have no cologne on.
I didn't exfoliate.
I have to shave, I shave, then I take a shower.
Then I come out and I shave again.
You look good, you feel good.
I feel like [bleep.]
[cheers and applause.]
- Whoo-hoo! Well, I think we're clear on that.
These are two classic problem areas for couples-- Restaurants and bathrooms.
What do you think? Coffee, you know, that's been heating For more than 20 minutes doesn't--I agree with her.
Oh, really? Yeah, and I'm not afraid To go into a lengthy discussion About it at a restaurant.
He's going like this.
And, you know, there's a whole world out there.
So I think that he should-- he should relax.
Natalie, does Debbie have a point? How long does coffee stay fresh in a pot? Debbie and Matthew have a good point.
Decaf coffee sitting in a pot actually goes bad After about 30 minutes.
Or as she would say, "30 minutes.
" [laughter.]
"30 minutes.
" [cheers and applause.]
I had an Uncle that used to gesture like this.
I'll tell you, I got three reasons Why that's a bad idea.
Well, I have a feeling that he has very Curly body hair.
That he straightens each strand.
I'm Italian.
I'm hairy.
Underneath this, there's a lot of nastiness going on.
But two hours? I mean, in your own home too.
When I have to trim up, I do it in a hotel.
I'm not gonna make a mess in my own home.
We have two issues.
We have the coffee.
We have the bathroom.
Which way do you wanna go? You can split your vote if you want.
Well, I would say the coffee, Absolutely, she has a right to have fresh coffee.
And when it comes to the bathroom, He's spending too much time in there.
What do you got, Sarah? I agree that the coffee, You should be able to order the coffee the way you want, And--but she could maybe be nicer about it.
Not that she was rude, but you know how you do That, like, apology thing like, "I'm so sorry, but I just really like my decaf really fresh.
And I know I'm being awful, but would you mind--" You know what I mean, like-- and then-- [cheers and applause.]
oh, thank you.
Very good.
And the bathroom, um, I feel that bathroom time is private time, And he can have that if he wants it.
Matthew? - I think the coffee-- I see she could probably be a little, you know-- She could be quicker in saying what she-- She probably didn't have to explain The whole reason to the waiter, maybe.
But I think she should order however she wants And whatever she wants.
I side with her.
- Uh-huh.
Bathroom, he should take as long as he wants.
She should be happy he's gone for a few hours, right? [applause.]
All right, I'm ready to make the call.
Let's meet the actual d'amores In their bellissima Lake Ronkonkoma villa.
[cheers and applause.]
D'amores, how are you? We're great.
Thank you.
- Can I please speak? - Go ahead.
Do you like it better if I say, "can I please have a cup of decaf, But I want it freshly brewed.
" Then she brings it, I know it's more than 20 minutes old, And I say, "bring it back.
" Is that better? That's not better.
It's a little better.
Why does Debbie go into this long speech About ordering coffee? Just say, "I'd like a cup of freshly brewed decaf.
" - That's what I said.
- Why put time on it? If it's not fresh I'll know if it's 21 minutes.
When you put the milk in Yeah? It turns by itself.
I don't care what you say.
It's almost poetry, okay, the way it turns.
Just keep it short.
Decaf, fresh, the end.
Okay, all right, you're kinda piling on Debbie A little bit there, but, Mario, How many times did you shave today? Oh.
Mario was up at--wide-eyed-- 5:30 A.
, I kid you not.
You know what, I think I'm ready to make the call.
Debbie, in a restaurant, you're entitled-- You're entitled to get your coffee the way you want.
But you know what, I can't take the suspicions, The accusations, the "I'll knows.
" "I'll know.
" I was a waiter.
Just order the coffee and drink it.
Mario, you win that one.
[cheers and applause.]
- Mario, two hours in-- Two hours in the bathroom.
The entire cast of avatar got ready in an hour.
If you're not coming out of there blue and 15 feet tall, You're taking too much time.
You're a man.
45 minutes--that's it, or we're coming in.
Debbie, you win that one.
[cheers and applause.]
Whoo! No.
So [applause.]
So what we have here is a tie.
The good news is I have a way to break that tie.
With this.
[cheers and applause.]
Announcer: Coming up, male exotic dancing.
Well, what he did on the screen Is outlawed in about seven States.
[cheers and applause.]
All right, Mario's won one.
Debbie's won one.
And here is the tie-breaker.
I believe wholeheartedly In being an individual.
He's an individual.
He wants to country line dance.
I don't understand why he doesn't want To country line dance with me.
If I'm gonna country line dance, I will.
- What happened, Debbie? - Nothing.
I was at a dance when he caught my eye standing all alone When we first got married and we didn't have children, There wasn't anything we didn't do together.
Do I love my country line dancing? Absolutely.
Debbie and I have hobbies together And separately.
And it's those separate things That are very important to me.
blame it on the bossa nova the dance of love [cheers and applause.]
[wild cheering.]
blame it on the bossa nova that he did so well [cheering.]
blame it on the bossa nova See, I earn my keep.
So should he be allowed to do this on his own or not? Well, what he did on the screen Is outlawed in about seven States.
That is line dancing as done by miss Liza Minnelli.
So I-- [laughter.]
Country line dancing.
"country Liza" it's called.
What country? [chuckling.]
what country? What country is that? Brazil during carnivale, 1968? Well, Sarah, what'd you think, baby? Is she dying so much to line dance? Yeah, that's a good point.
She didn't even say she liked it.
She doesn't look like she's really itching to get out there.
She's itching a lot, but not itching to get out.
- I like how she does this.
- She's itching a little.
Do you dance, Matthew? Yeah, once in a while.
Oh, you're a good dancer.
Don't be modest.
Every once in a while on Broadway.
Bravo! [cheers and applause.]
bravo! Thank you for that.
He, uh, danced in two musicals, And he won two Tonys for them.
Bravo! [cheers and applause.]
Thank you again.
Yeah, he should be allowed to line dance all he wants.
- He should be allowed to dance? - Yeah.
Natalie, do we have any facts on this guy? Um, you know, they used to tap dance together Back in the day, so this is just-- He's evolved.
All right, I think I know which way you're leaning, But, Matthew, you say? I say dance away.
Dance away.
Sarah? I think he should let his freak flag fly.
[laughter and applause.]
I say let him dance.
- Let him dance.
- Yeah.
All right, let's bring them back up.
[cheers and applause.]
Whoo! Debbie, you say you want to go with him And meet his friends and stuff, But the look on your face tells me you'd rather Stay at home with a nice, hot, fresh cup of decaf Just swirling away.
So I have to give this one to Mario, Because when I see him dancing in the kitchen, I see the happiest man I've ever seen in my life.
[cheers and applause.]
Mario Two out of three.
You win.
Yay! Whoo! I think you guys are great.
Debbie, we love you.
- No, you don't.
- I do.
Debbie, I see you, I see every aunt That has ever given me a big hug at Christmas.
This isn't one of those shows where we make people Feel better and try and fix things.
Two out of three.
He wins.
And you know what, if you really want to get That coffee swirling, start the music, Let Mario hold the pot, Watch that cream go 'round like a Kansas twister.
[cheers and applause.]
You guys are awesome.
Awesome! Next, we're going to go deep into middle earth And see what's down there.
[cheers and applause.]
Announcer: Coming up, the panel fights To keep from becoming completely incoherent.
Diet pills.
She's got a kinda Celine Dion thing going.
He seemed to have such a sweet feeling About those toys.
I think they should get divorced.
Announcer: And this month's selection From the marriage ref book club-- The bedwetter by Sarah Silverman, A poignant, embarrassing memoir Of a young girl's life.
And there's no real book club.
All right, next we're gonna amble Into the heart of hometown Americana-- Washington township, new Jersey, And meet the Hamiltons Where husband Ash is lost in a world of his own.
Interestingly enough, we met on the Internet.
I was in a movie chat room.
Can I press one of your buttons? So my nickname was something that she recognized.
Which was really kind of bizarre.
It wasn't just a fluke, and I knew that.
And I knew that that was it from there on.
I don't have an unhealthy obsession About lord of the rings.
Lord of the Rings is overwhelming our home.
What say you? And in the long run, the memorabilia was To send our son to college.
But I think that was just a ploy to get all the goodies In the house, and now the value Is dropping rapidly.
I am Anduril, flame of the West.
Let the thralls of Mordor flee before me.
Lord of the rings presents a world untainted.
Okay? It represents the kind of platonic love That we don't see often.
I don't even get what happened in those movies.
The ring was the embodiment of evil.
Excuse me, when they look into each other's eyes And he gets all jealous of the Gollum.
What, like a son can't look into his father's eyes And be like, "thank you for rescuing me.
" He's jealous of the Gollum.
It is the same kind.
He's jealous of the Gollum that he's spending Too much time with the Gollum.
He actually looks kinda mopey at times.
There are times that his eyes fill up with tears and-- - It is a supernatural burden that they are carrying.
They're saving the world.
Look at all those tubs.
Most of the people that have this Are, like, living in their mother's basement right now.
Ash, if you look on eBay right now, They're going for, like, 89 cents.
- So then we need to keep them.
If they're going for-- - Look, okay, so they're-- - Actually, this is bilingual.
How many Gollums do we have? But if you look, they go through A foreign subsidiary to release the figures.
What does that matter? It is the same figure.
It's just something cool.
I got all the bilingual cards in the star wars stuff too.
It's just cool.
I think you should pick one And that's it.
I would like to have both sets.
I don't see any harm in having both sets.
Do you know what a geek you sound like right now? Yeah, but it also has sounds.
What say you? What say you? [cheers and applause.]
So the issue here is: Should Ash have to get rid Of his beloved lord of the rings collection? She's got a kinda Celine Dion thing going, And maybe he doesn't like that.
I think that when you're in love, You have to support each other's passions.
And she should support his love of lord of the rings.
He should support her love of diet pills Or whatever her hobby is.
What do you think, Matthew? Wow.
My feelings are basically 15 fold.
I don't know.
You know, I know typically When one gets married, you give up everything you like And that--the things-- You know, you're not allowed to take things From childhood into adulthood.
This has come to us down from the Mayan times.
But he seemed to have such a sweet feeling About those toys that I sympathized And want him to have them.
Look, I have been married for a long time.
- Uh-huh.
And I think the secret is you've gotta be sensitive To your wife's needs, and in my case Make sure your personal assistant fulfills them.
But that's me.
That's Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen.
What do you think, Sarah? I think that you have to support each other And love each other and--you know? And support each other's habits, Whether it be lord of the rings or crack cocaine.
Or something in between.
All right, panelists, who do you think I should go for, Husband or the wife? Matthew, bottom line? The husband.
The husband.
All right, Sarah? I'm gonna go husband, But I think they should get divorced.
Marty? I think that it's his right to do that, And she should be patient.
All right, all for the husband.
Let's go to actual Washington and bring out the actual Hamiltons in their actual township.
[cheers and applause.]
All right, Betty, A man's mind needs to be Partially occupied at all times By something stupid.
Because it keeps a guy's brain from doing something else.
And whatever that something else is, You don't want him doing it.
Ash, you win.
Oh, that is so not right.
That is so not right.
Anything you would like to ask the couple? I had something.
Is it that it takes up too much room? Or is it that he still seems sorta childlike? Or--what bothers you about it? [laughing.]
I'm sorry.
Why would I think that was childlike? Forgive me, forgive me.
Does he seem too grown up to you? [laughter.]
No encouragement, please.
You know, Ash, the more you speak, The more you lose everyone's vote.
So I wouldShh.
Thank you, Hamiltons.
Good bye.
[cheers and applause.]
And for being such great sports tonight, All our couples will receive a romantic second honeymoon Furnished by royal Caribbean international.
So that's our show.
We'd like to thank our panel of experts-- Martin short, Sarah Silverman, Matthew Broderick.
Thank you! And especially to all our couples tonight, Thank you for letting us into your marriage.
It's worth fighting for.
Now kiss and make up.
Good night, everybody.
oh baby let's let's stay together loving you whether whether times are good or bad happy or sad
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