The Marriage Ref (2010) s01e11 Episode Script

Tonight on the Marriage Ref, The hilarious and untouchable Howie Mandel.
She's on the phone at restaurants, In the bathroom, In the bed.
I'll be totally honest with you.
I swear to you, I have that fear.
- She's all of five feet, and it's all flash-- Bette Midler.
I'm not closing you in a box.
You are.
You're making me crazy.
Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Oh, my God.
He's nuts.
From the office, a comic volcano Waiting to blow-- Craig Robinson.
Judge me by the content of my character And not the color of my clothes.
You can't misquote Dr.
Martin Luther king, Jr.
So you can dress bad.
[laughter.]
- It's our most touchy-feely show ever.
Oh, I touched you.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
- No, come on.
I don't want-- - That was dangerous.
This is a family show.
Can you have him move his hand now? Sorry.
- Those are the worst-dressed gay guys I've ever seen In my whole life.
I'm gonna text you my call.
Okay.
It says Oh, my God, I can't believe this is coming out.
Now here's the marriage ref, Tom papa.
[cheers and applause.]
Whoo! Hi, I'm Tom papa.
Welcome to the marriage ref.
This is the place where we discuss marriage, Which is a fragile institution Because the whole thing is built on "I love you, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you, But I can't live like you.
" Tonight, we are action-packed.
We have a revolutionary sock system, Security blinds, a blackberry addict, And gay party clothe All right, panel.
Thank you for being here.
Let's get started.
Let's meet the Romanos, where Tabatha wants to include Someone else in their marriage--everyone else.
The first time I saw Tommy, He was carrying boxes into a restaurant So, you know, his muscles were big And they were flexing And--and I was like, wow.
When I come home from work and I walk in the house, I look at her and knowing she's my wife, It mak--it fills my heart and makes me happy.
[laughter.]
- Tabatha.
- Hold on.
Hold on, what? Give me the phone.
- Hold on.
- Who--is it God? No, it's not God.
Is God texting you? Do you need to speak to God? No, it's not God texting me.
No.
Enough is enough, tab.
The food's gonna come.
Don't you want to spend some time with me Instead of spending time with everybody else On the friggin' phone? But I'm spending time with you.
I'm having a conversation.
I'm able to still hold a conversation.
We're talking about you and the phone.
Well, we can have a conversation right now.
We could be talking about absolutely anything.
You've chosen for it to be about this-- - But the distraction.
I hear, duh-doinking, duh-doink.
I don't want to hear this no more.
So She's on the phone at restaurants, In the bathroom, In the bed.
Anywhere that you could be on this phone, She's on the phone all the time.
What did you do before the phones, When you had your beeper? You're going back to a beeper now? If there was no phone right now, What would you be doing? But that's not the case.
You'd be sitting here, enjoying dinner with me.
- But there are phones, and in order to function-- Function the right way And get the most amount of things done, I need to use this phone.
Well, maybe you should go to the doctor And have him put it on your ear and sew it onto your head So you can always use it.
But see, that's the point.
If I were on the phone, Having phone conversations all the time on it, Then I can understand your point.
You think I'm being rude because I-- - I'm sitting here talking to you and you're on the phone.
I'm not on it.
I'm engaging in text messaging or emailing.
- See around you? - Yeah.
- See all the water? - I see.
I'm gonna throw the phone in the bay.
I'm enjoying my meal because I'm not on the phone.
And I'm not on the phone either.
Give me the phone.
Thank you.
This does not constitute being on the phone.
I'll give you the phone back after you eat.
But that's not being on the phone.
Your grilled chicken's getting cold.
- Wait, let me-- [musical email alert.]
Someone just texted to me, Your grilled chicken's getting cold.
That's not a text.
That's an email.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Eat your food.
[laughter and applause.]
- So the issue here is-- and it's a big one At this moment in our culture-- electronic etiquette.
Does it exist? He is of the dark ages.
I think that he has to become digital.
I'm so digital now.
I just had a digital exam earlier this afternoon.
[laughter.]
But the thing is that-- no, the truth is That he should-- if he wants to communicate, Let him text her.
- So he should-- at the dinner table, He should--they should just sit there and text each other.
Have you heard of sexting? He could sextext her.
I have heard.
I have heard.
- They could spend intimate time with each other, "l-o-l"ing.
But they're in a public place.
They've made a pact to come and have dinner.
Dinner means you eat and you chat.
- O-m-g, you are so yesteryear.
Oh, my God.
I guess I am.
I guess I am.
Hold up there.
Hold up.
[laughter and applause.]
- Um, here's-- here's the thing, okay? They--texting is a new addiction.
We don't-- it's not diagnosed yet.
- I agree, I agree.
- Okay? I'm on his side with this.
He says she does it everywhere.
She probably does it while she's driving.
But you're supposed to be making a left turn, You're looking for a parentheses, you know? And I'm guilty of it myself.
I got to put my phone in the trunk To keep from texting, 'cause I'll be, you know, Texting something stupid like, "ooh, almost hit somebody.
" [laughter and applause.]
Well, how much is she really doing this? Our "just the facts" ma'am for tonight, From MSNBC's morning Joe, Mika Brzezinski, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]
- Mika.
- Yeah.
You text in the middle of your show, don't you? I do.
My kids text me.
And my mom, she'll tell me if my top's too tight, My skirt's too short.
She does not hold back.
In the middle of the show? It's multitasking.
Bette? The more you do, the less you do well, I think.
That's true, and I am a perfect example of that.
Well, is she in some sort of business? Is she a trader or a--? I mean, what does she--? All right, Tabatha's a teacher, And here is the problem.
Here's where I do think I draw the line Between being like Tabatha.
Uhuh.
She checks her blackberry in the bathroom.
Right.
She does it out to dinner.
Um, but also during moments of intimacy.
Oh, my God.
Wait, I'm--wait just a second.
- This is so good.
- O-m-g, o-m-g, o-m-g.
[laughter and applause.]
Is she on Twitter? Is she on Twitter? I'm on Twitter.
You are on Twitter? Yes, and I'm doing it all the time.
Because that would save-- you can get more done.
It's only 140 characters, isn't it? - Right.
- It's crazy.
I think it's crazy.
- But Bette, isn't it smart-- - And it's boring.
That's the thing.
You read these tweets and you think, "I'm having a glass of orange juice now.
"oh, I'm going down the stairs.
Oh, the elevator didn't come.
" Are you kidding me? It's so boring.
It's--it's like-- and I think it makes--- I think it makes people stupid.
She said I'm stupid.
Bette Midler said I'm stupid.
No, I didn't say you were stupid.
I didn't-- - I told you I do it.
Oh, I touched you.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
I-I tou--I-I-- - I don't want--you're not supposed to touch me.
You're supposed to text me.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Give me that thing.
That's why I like texting.
I don't ha t to have any personal contact with anybody.
- Yeah.
- That's what I like.
- This--this is perfect for you.
This is perfect.
You have nobody talking to you.
Yeah, right.
You have no, like, human beings Opening their mouths.
Talking at you.
No, I don't do that.
No, come on.
I don't want-- [laughter and applause.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
That was dangerous.
That was dangerous.
I could have stayed in California And just texted you my opinion about this woman.
- All right, well, tell me who I should go for-- The husband or the wife? - The wife.
Convince me.
Why? - Because I think this is-- this is the culture we're in, And she's doing very important work.
I don't think that she's allowed to reveal Exactly what it is that she does.
[laughter.]
But I have a feeling that we are in a good place Because of her.
That's hilarious.
That's great.
You said it was very, very important.
- She does seem important.
- Bette? You almost talked me into it.
Bette, I have to ask.
I have to say I side with the guy.
I really do.
I feel-- I feel bad for him.
I feel bad.
I think it's really demeaning.
All right.
Husband.
I'm gonna side with the guy, and I'll tell you why.
I like the way he said, "I'm gonna throw it in the water.
" [laughter.]
So I'm gonna go with him.
[laughter.]
- For his aggressive attitude.
- Right.
[applause.]
All right, good point.
So I'm ready to make the call.
[bell clangs.]
All right, let's go to Staten island And bring up the actual Romanos In their real-life in-box.
[cheers and applause.]
Hi, guys.
Thanks for being on our show.
- Hi.
- How are you doing? - You look--you look very concerned.
Yeah.
I want to get rid of this blackberry.
For someone that wants real human interactions, You look very uncomfortable.
[laughter.]
All right, guys.
Here's my call.
Everyone kind of makes good points, But I think what Bette is saying, On a human level really makes the most sense.
So Tabatha, I feel for you.
I really do.
It's an amazing, addictive technology.
And I want to make sure this thing gets through to you, So what I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna text you my call.
- Oh.
- I am.
They gave me your number, And I'm gonna text it to you right now.
Just encourage her a little bit more.
Hold on, hold on.
I got it.
Wait, it's coming.
- Here we go.
- Okay.
[incoming message tone.]
I hate that noise.
Okay, it says, "Tabatha, pay attention to your husband.
"put the phone down.
CongratulationsTabatha.
You win.
" [laughter.]
- No way.
- Tommy, you win.
No, it says "tommy.
" it says "tommy.
" That's how it goes.
These people are normal.
People understand.
- No, no.
- Thank you, guys.
- So you're a teacher? - I am.
So you're like, "gotta get paste.
" [laughter.]
Would you be cool with some of your students Texting in the middle of class? Absolutely.
- Oh, my God.
- You're a great teacher.
I would want you teaching every kid in America.
- No, it dep-- it depends-- - I'll tell you.
- Listen, it depends.
If they're getting information across, Technology's a wonderful thing, And we need to embrace it.
You have carpal tunnel with your finger Because of all the texting that you do.
- No.
- Is that normal? This is funny.
We've solved an issue That is actually gonna cause you guys To fight in person more often.
No, no.
All right, great talking to you.
Say good-bye to the Romanos, everyone.
- Bye.
- Bye.
All right, when we come back, We're gonna pull some pieces And see if we can put Isis outfit together.
- I don't wear this with-- with--with--with these.
I don't-- I don't do it.
If there's anybody there that doesn't like it, They can--they can, uh, bite me.
Robert, come on.
[applause.]
Coming up, a first for Craig Robinson.
- The first time I saw, like, a time-out work, He said, "time out," and the dude was like [laughter.]
And also the first time I've seen, uh, gay rednecks.
- Those two gay guys are the worst-dressed gay guys I've ever seen in my whole life.
If I said to you, "side with the guy that's dressed badly," Guess which one I'm talking about.
[laughter.]
And later, everyone confesses everything.
There are lots of things that you don't have to wear And nobody would notice.
- Ooh-ooh.
My wife launders the money, and then she gives me The money that's been laundered.
I don't have a sock drawer.
And Bette reveals her secret to staying married.
Don't ever get a divorce.
[applause.]
All right, let's jump on a log flume, Put our arms up, and scream into Orlando, Florida, Where we meet the Smith-Crawfords, Who are embroiled in a marriage classic: The eternal "you are not going out with me Looking like that.
" [laughter.]
Don was hanging out at a, uh, A local resort, and, uh, I just happened to come along.
E e day after we met, we just kind of sat down And, uh, we told each other our life story, And so I think that's when I really knew.
The rest is history.
It's embarrassing to be seen with you wearing that.
It's fine, don.
Robert, this is a cocktail party.
This is what you wear.
You don't wear that.
They don't care what I wear.
I'm comfortable with this.
Robert, we're not going to a pool party.
Don, you don't dress for other people.
You dress for yourself.
Robert, come on.
No.
If there's anybody there that doesn't like it, They c----they can, uh, bite me.
You have outfits.
There-- there are your outfits.
I match 'em up, I match 'em up.
- I don't-- I don't have outfits.
I don't do outfits.
You know, I don't wear this With--with--with-- with these.
I don't-- I don't do it.
- I just--I-- - That is not an outfit.
That's a costume.
That's a costume you would wear on Halloween.
No, it is not.
You've worn something like that on Halloween And won a prize, Robert.
- Don, time-out.
Calm.
I am calm.
Calm.
Allow me to be me.
You're going outside, you work in them.
You get paint all over the place.
And then, "oh, I think I'll wear this to a party.
It looks really cute.
" Let me ask you something.
Is there anything about what I wear That is gonna change the future of this world? Judge me by the content of my heart And my character, And not the color of my clothes.
Well, based on that, I can't.
[laughter and applause.]
So the issue here is, Can you say to your spouse, "you can't wear that"? Okay, first of all, You can't misquote Dr.
Martin Luther king, Jr.
So you can dress bad.
[laughter.]
He had a dream, and it wasn't anything to do With polyester and tie-dye.
[laughter.]
I'll tell you honestly, I think those two gay guys Are the worst-dressed gay guys I've ever seen In my whole life.
- They're not gay.
- Not with that outfit.
I guess they're not.
I guess they're not gay.
I think they might have to turn the gay card in or-- Because this is not working out.
They're--they're-- it's a scandal.
It's like the blind leading the blind.
I agree with you.
Please! - What I need you-- what I need you to do Is to wear a sleeveless dress shirt And pull your jeans up a little bit higher.
What is that? Seriously.
One--one word of advice to the guy that's with no sleeves.
Hey, sleeves, baby, sleeves.
But he's an older guy.
Older guys can work the no sleeves.
No, no, no, no.
Sleeves after 40.
Sleeves after 40.
- That's not a bad shirt with-- - Look at his wardrobe.
- Oh, my God.
[laughter.]
If I said to you, "side with the guy that's dressed badly," Guess which one I'm talking about.
[laughter.]
[applause.]
- This is--tom, this the first-- I saw two firsts here.
This is the first time I saw, like, a time-out work.
- Time-out.
- He said--he said, "time out," and the dude was like [laughter.]
And also the first time I' s seen, uh, gay rednecks.
It was, uh, very interesting.
[laughter.]
Very interesting.
Informational, this week.
All right, Howie, you have a style.
You completely--really.
- I don't know what I've done here today, but-- - Love the shoes.
- Two questions.
Do you do this yourself? And does your wife like it? Do I do this myself? Does your wife help you out with this? - No, they have-- I have a changing table, And they put me on the changing table [laughter.]
And I have people that powder me and dress me.
And this is how I go out.
- But you-- you always look sharp.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- - This is a style.
- I do it myself.
- Does your wife like it? - I told her to.
Did you ever come down and have her go, "oh, no.
" A lot, but it has nothing to do with what I'm wearing.
[laughter.]
Now Bette, have you ever had a moment That someone comes up and is like, "wear this"? Anything that you were like, "nah"? No, but I have had people come up to me and say, "what'd you wear that for?" I was on the street one day, And this guy said-- - But not your husband.
- No, not--no.
You know what? My husband is really a crazy dresser.
We got married in Vegas, and when he came out of the room, I said, "I'm not getting married in that.
I'm not Goa a marry you if you're wearing that.
" And I made him go in and change the thing.
- But if he told you how to dress, how would you--? - I would totally flip out.
- You would flip out.
See, women-- women don't want to hear.
No.
They'll ask.
They don't want to hear.
All right, when we come back, We can finally settle on an outfit And get to the party.
If we can figure out Who is which guy wearing what outfit.
Without the sleeves.
That's don.
Don.
Robert is the guy complaining, right? - No.
Yeah.
No, don.
Robert's the guy-- - The sleeveless guy.
- Who's without the sleeves? He's the one being attacked for his clothes.
No, the guy attacking.
I am so confused.
Okay, I'll go with the gay guy.
I want to go for the gay guy.
Okay.
- Okay, we're back with the Smith-Crawfords.
We're still deciding what to wear.
Forget about what I'm wearing, Forget about what you're wearing.
You're respecting the person having the party, And that is disrespectful.
- It is not.
- Yes, it is.
It has nothing to do with respect.
Living in Florida, honey, all you gotta do Is wear tank tops and shorts down here.
Well, I work at home.
There's times that I don't even get out of my pajamas All day long.
Honey, all you gotta do is put on a tank top and shorts.
[laughter.]
Bette, is this any different in the gay community Than it is in the straight community? No, it's just human interaction.
That's how couples are.
Right.
- How bad you look is gonna-- Gonna impact the way people perceive me.
Because what am I doing with this jerk That's, you know, that's dressed so ridiculous? Then why did you tell your husband Not to wear that suit to your wedding? Well, I couldn't help it, but I didn't Know my husband very well when I married him.
- Really? - I hardly knew him at all.
What a place to meet someone, at a wedding.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe this is coming out.
Well, that's the best way to go, though.
It really is.
- Because you get to spend your life learning-- - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Absolutely.
- Wait, wait, wait.
What do you mean, u u didn't know him? - You didn't know him, really? - Yeah, yeah.
When did you meet him? I met my husband in 1984, And we were married six weeks after we met.
- Really? - Yes! Yes.
And we've been married 25 years.
- You're so in love.
- I'm so in love.
25 years, still in love.
Imagine that.
Wow.
Good for you.
All right.
I've heard enough.
So I'm gonna start with you, Craig.
Who's right? Robert or don? Don's the one complaining about Robert.
I'm gonna have to go with, uh, don.
- Don, the guy-- - Don, who's doing the complaining, Because--because Robert misquoted Dr.
King.
[laughter.]
All right.
Bette? - I admire the guy with the sleeves.
Is that--? Without the sleeves.
That's don, right? Don, yeah.
I think he's really trying to put his best foot forward, And he's trying-- he wants the couple To put their best foot forward.
So I kind of have to side with him.
Okay.
What about you, Howie? Robert is the guy complaining, right? No.
Yeah.
No, they're both for don.
Robert's the guy-- - Complaining.
- No.
Don is complaining.
Robert's the guy in the-- - Who's the guy that's dressed badly? Who's the guy that's-- - Both of them.
Both of them.
Robert.
I'm so confused.
- Robert.
- Yes.
- I'm gonna--I'm gonna go with, um, The guy without the sleeves.
- Robert.
- Yes.
- You don't think he should be--why? No, because I think that what he's doing In a roundabout way is he wants-- He wants-- out of love, He wants his partner to look respectable and, uh-- - So you're going with the sleeve guy, with don.
You're all going with don.
- Yeah, we're all-- We're unanimous.
- No, without the sleeves.
You're going without the sleeves? Yes.
He's the one being attacked for his clothes.
No, the guy attacking.
I am so confused.
I just--okay, I'll go with the gay guy.
I want to go for the gay guy.
Okay All right.
I got it.
All right.
I'm ready to make the call.
[bell clangs.]
Let's go to Orlando, Florida, And bring up the Smith-Crawfords.
[cheers and applause.]
Hi, guys.
Thanks for being on our show.
Thank you.
Greetings from Orlando.
How did you arrive at these particular outfits tonight? Just whatever fell out of the closet for me.
You know This is a family show.
Can you have him move his hand now? [laughter.]
Oh! Sorry.
[laughter and applause.]
Bravo.
He's been a bad boy all day.
[laughter.]
Okay, guys.
Now he's trying to get into your pants.
I've been in there for 20 years.
[laughter.]
All right, here's my call.
Robert, I am going to judge you On the content of your character.
You are a great guy, And here's what a great guy does.
He makes his partner happy.
Listen to don.
Put on a decent shirt.
Maybe something sleeveless.
[laughter.]
Thank you.
And enjoy the party.
Congratulations, don.
You win.
Thank you again.
[applause.]
20 years, I've finally been vindicated.
Thank you.
And thank you.
I couldn't live with him if he didn't win.
[laughter.]
And I want to say real quick, Bette Midler, my birthday's December 1st.
I love you.
Aw.
[applause.]
Craig and Howie, I love you too.
- I love you too.
- Love you too, bro.
- December 1st.
- You should send him a shirt.
I should.
I'll send him something with sleeves.
- Yes.
- Sleeves.
Okay, great talking to you.
Say good-bye to the Smith-Crawfords, everybody.
- Bye.
- Bye, guys.
Thanks a lot.
Next, a family tries to keep his family safe But from what? [dramatic music.]
I protect you, I protect the kids From outsiders.
When are they coming? Who knows? They could be there later.
[applause.]
Coming up, it's Dr.
Howie Howie, you have behavior issues.
I have OCD.
Is there any advice that you can give them? You have to face your fears.
I want you to remove your pants And go stand in the window.
[laughter.]
I'm gonna take them down.
[applause.]
- All right, let's pay the reasonably-priced toll And cross over the glistening Whitestone bridge Into Malba, New York, Where we meet the Devardos.
NATO is trying to defend his family From the dangers of the outside world Using only plastic vertical blinds.
[laughter.]
He had the big car, so we all fit in his car Whenever we'd go out.
And she always wanted the front seat To be next to me.
[laughs.]
It was one drunken night, and that was it.
It all started from there.
[laughs.]
- Yeah, actually it did.
- Yeah.
That's what it was.
[laughter.]
I like sunlight.
We can open the blinds.
We can see outside.
It's nice.
But we need some privacy, no? From what? The sunlight? Uhh! But do you understand the reason why I close them Or why I keep them shut? I close them because I protect you, I protect the kids from outsiders.
There's nobody outside.
[laughter.]
That doesn't mean they're not there now.
- Where-- when are they coming? Who knows? They could be there later.
We're in a nice neighborhood.
We have a nice house in a nice neighborhood.
We're not in the Bronx.
It doesn't matter.
It could be the neighbor.
Maybe the neighbor or something.
Maybe he's sick, the neighbor.
But we know the neighbors.
You kn t the neighbor on the other side? You know the guy on the other side.
We do know the neighbors.
All right, but you don't know the other neighbors.
Our kids go to school with them.
Those blinds are a real deterrent for a burglar.
I mean, he sees blinds on a house.
Uhh! Next house.
There's blinds on that house.
Not gonna Rob them.
See, you've still got light.
You can still see outside.
You don't need them vented open.
Plenty of light in here.
Plenty of room.
Okay.
I'm not closing you in a box.
You are.
You're making me crazy.
No, no.
I don't think so.
- You are.
- Now what's wrong with that? - Where's the light? - There is light coming in.
There's no light.
Come on, NATO.
Oh, my God.
Just leave it alone.
I can't.
Leave it alone.
Leave it alone.
- All right.
- Leave it alone.
[laughter.]
[applause.]
So the issue here is, Is NATO being protective or paranoid? - Paranoid.
- Yeah, you think he's-- - Big time.
Oh, my God.
He's nuts.
How do we know he's not in the witness protection program? We don't know.
He could be.
Let's ask the fact lady.
Maybe she knows.
Why? What's he so paranoid about? Has he ever been burgled or has he ever been--? Never.
They've never been burgled before.
Is "burgled" a word? That's a word we white people use.
- It is burgled? - Burgled.
It is a word.
Burgled.
Burgled is a word? - Yes, burg--yes, Howie, "burgled" is a word.
Yeah, what do you think happens when a burglar comes? What do you think a burglar does? - Burglarize.
- Yeah, but-- - I've been burglarized.
- Yeah, but-- - Not burgled.
Oh, maybe you're right.
Oh, maybe you're right.
"what happened here?" "we were burgled.
" I'm sure that's a word.
- It's a word.
- "Burgled" is a word.
- Oh, look, she texted.
- Thank you.
- Bravo.
- It's very useful.
Well, have they ever been broken into? - No.
- Oh, okay.
Well, jeez.
Know why? Because he has blinds.
No, no.
'cause they live in an affluent neighborhood.
They have a security car that goes around Every ten minutes.
And apparently, this guy NATO, If they leave the house for ten minutes, He locks every door, closes all the blinds, And turns off all the lights.
Yes, he wanted to be here tonight, But he's locked in his home.
[laughter.]
In five more years, she's gonna be living in a basement.
Or in a bomb shelter.
Or handcuffed to the stove.
What I don't understand is, what would they see If they actually did look into the--into the house? They had some nice silverware, If you saw the earlier clip.
[laughter.]
Just to the left, in the kitchen.
Maybe he just doesn't want to see the dogs With the Easter baskets hanging out of their mouths.
[laughter.]
- Oh! - Easter baskets.
Those are ridiculous.
They're gonna scare the concrete burglars.
[laughter.]
NATO actually looks more suspicious Than anybody else in this clip.
He's definitely hiding something.
[laughter.]
That's funny.
What would be worse for you If someone broke into your house? That they stole everything Or that they touched everything? - They might touch everything.
I don't want to-- - That would kill you.
- You know it.
You know it.
You'd have to sell your house.
So if you're watching and you are considering burgling me, Wear gloves and take off your shoes at the door.
[laughter.]
But it really is a thing of how you look at the world.
Is it all evil? Is it all good? Do you have a gun? Bette? Oh, no.
- A little gun in your--? Craig? I don't want to talk about it.
[laughter.]
No, I don't.
- You don't have a gun? - No.
- Do you have a gun? - I don't.
Uh, no.
- No gun in the house? - No.
I'm a Jew.
[laughter.]
You don't see a lot of Jews hunting and have guns.
Where do you--there's no-- no big Jewish action hero.
There's no--"oy, look what I'm gonna do.
" It doesn't happen.
[laughter.]
No.
I was burgled about a month and a half ago.
Somebody went into my car In my secure building And took out some things that I would love to have back.
Now, did that change? Now, do you-- are you freaked out? No, yeah, I'm like, I'll just make sure I lock everything, 'cause I think the door was unlocked, But it's like, it's in my garage.
So who do you think's right in this case? Who do I go for, the husband or the wife? - Oh, I'm-- I'm going with--with him.
- You're going with him? - Yeah.
- Wow.
- I feel his pain.
You do? What about you, Bette? I've been burgled.
I've been burgled.
You have? I've been burgled but not to the point That it's ruined my life.
And he's basically shutting his family away in a box, And so I'm going with the wife.
- What about you, Howie? - I go with her.
But if she wants more light, get skylights.
I would get skylights.
But then, he-- no, forget it.
'cause he'll say, "oh, look, The birds can see what we're doing.
" [laughter.]
All right, good points.
I'm ready to make the call.
[bell clangs.]
Let's go to Malba, New York, and bring up the Devardos In their safe house.
[applause.]
Look there.
Can you see him? Welcome, guys.
Thanks for being on our show.
- Thank you for having us.
- Here's my call.
NATO, you're on your way to barricading yourself In the basement with canned goods and a police scanner.
So just wake up, snap out of it.
Congratulations, Shauna.
You win.
Yes! I told you! [laughs.]
He's crazy.
He's crazy.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You're welcome.
Let the sun shine in.
NATO, what are you doing that you need all this privacy? Absolutely nothing.
Valid point.
Nothing.
So get up now and go open the blinds, NATO.
Get up and go open the blinds.
I don't want to open the blinds now.
[overlapping chatter.]
- All right.
- Do it, NATO.
I'm gonna take them down.
Do it, NATO.
Aw, that's nice.
Watch out! There's outsiders! [laughs.]
Aah! People are gonna jump in through the window.
[cheers and applause.]
[laughs.]
Howie, you have behavior issues.
- I have OCD.
- You have OCD.
Is there any advice that you can give NATO To deal with this situation? I do cognitive therapy, you know? And the thing is that you have to face your fears.
- Uh-huh.
- We're gonna-- We're probably going to commercial in a couple minutes? Sure are.
What I want you to do when we go to commercial, NATO, Is I want you to remove your pants And stand in the window.
[laughter.]
I'll only do it for you.
All right.
Good luck with that, NATO.
The call's been made.
Say good-bye to them, everybody.
[applause.]
- Thank you.
Thanks.
- Thank you so much! [applause.]
Coming up, if you thought we were all out of Howie crazy This is not a joke.
[laughter.]
Wow, I'm impressed.
That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen.
All right, let's drop the top, don some shades, And cruise up PCH Into breezy, salty, Santa Barbara, California, And meet the Davises.
Tim has a system and Carolene wants to put a sock in it.
I didn't have a car, so she wouldn't date me.
You had a bicycle, and I rode on your handlebars.
- I remember that.
- Yeah.
I asked him to marry me.
You still love me? Oh, yeah.
I still love you.
I still love him too.
I have labeled my socks left and right And put a number on them, So I'm wearing the sock on the left foot And the other sock on the right foot, And they're numbered accordingly, So I'm wearing the same pair of socks.
Why can't you be like every man That just buys socks And puts them in his drawer? My wife can't stand it, Because now she has to match them up.
That's the big gripe here.
- This sock is for the left-- the left foot.
So if you're putting that sock on, you can see.
There it is.
It's shaped just like the foot.
There's the toe, and it just slopes right around.
The ball of the foot is right here.
That's how the sock wears.
It wears just like a glove now.
It would be hard for me to put this sock right here On my right foot.
It just wouldn't even-- it wouldn't even fit.
I had a little knee surgery, So on the right side of the right sock, It wears more 'cause there's more pressure on it when I walk.
So you know, once that gets worn out, The whole pair gets thrown away, And then we bring in another one.
What does that say? I can't read that.
That's an eight.
That's an eight.
An eight? But what's the letter on it? - That's an r.
- R-8.
It surely doesn't look like an l.
I mean, there's only two letters.
There's an l and an r, So it's either an l or an r.
Well, it's kind of like rotating tires.
I mean, you know, you know you're not wearing That left sock on the right foot.
You know, you're not wearing-- I'm not wearing a number eight with a number three.
I don't wear a right three with a right eight.
Or a left eight and a, you know, a right three.
- Oh, I found an r-5.
Where's--? Oh, my God, I got a match.
I got a match.
Yeah.
It's ridiculous that I have to do this.
I mean, why can't I just go like this? This is what I really want to do.
Oh! Here, honey.
Here's your socks.
I'm done.
You do 'em.
[applause.]
So the issue here is, should she have to abide By his possibly insane sock system? First off, what do you all think Of the Tim Davis sock system? I'm kind of mortified that you would use The word "insane.
" I think it's a terrific idea.
[laughter.]
I'm with you.
- I love it.
- You love it? I think it's kind of genius, actually.
I have to admit it.
You know, I have to admit it.
Did he use the word "brilliant"? I think he did.
Did he use "brilliant"? - It's brilliant.
- I love it.
- Really? - I don't even have to comment.
I think it's amazing.
Why? Because I swear to you, I have that fear I'll be totally honest with you.
This is how--so that I-- No, I want to show you what I--what I do.
This is not a joke.
[laughter.]
It's always the exact same-- That way I know that this is the one with the big toe.
I would never--this sock will never end up on that foot.
That's-- that's what I do.
So I'm with this guy.
So enough with the insanity.
It's not insane.
Oh, really? That's not insane? That's not insane.
- That's not insane? - That's sensible.
That's fabulous.
I'm sensible.
- Craig.
Craig, do you think this is-- - It's--it's--it's-- it's like he's playing bingo With his socks or something, you know? L-7! - What I don't understand is why does he-- Why does the wife have to match them up? It's his system.
It's not fair for her to complain.
Women wear pantyhose.
They're connected.
You know what's going where, all right? Yes, I know, but why does she have to do all the work? It's his system.
Let him do it.
Like, come on.
Come on.
Matching socks is work? It's not work.
- It is work.
- It's work.
I'll bet it takes her a half an hour.
It's work if you don't have the ls and the rs.
That's when it's work.
It takes her a half an hour.
Doesn't she have anything better to do Than match his damn socks? Come on.
- Now he's also-- he's very-- He's very convincing, you know what I mean? Watch him when he describes His sock shape retention system.
There it is.
It's shaped just like the foot.
There's the toe, and it just slopes right around.
Look at your hand.
It's shaped like this.
You put anything around this, It's going to be this shape.
It's not the sock.
Oh, he's like, "oh, yeah, and it comes And it slopes down here, and here's your toes.
" But then, watch when he pulls his hand out.
Uh! Ah! Look at that.
Oh, what do we have there? Tube sock.
It's an elastic material.
It fits anything you put in it.
I think that someone's gonna patent that.
I think someone is gonna write that and gonna say, "I"I'm gonna give you socks That have a letter and number on them.
" - This is a great idea.
- I don't know.
I think someone's gonna steal that.
I do.
So it's a genius idea.
I'm learning so much about this.
I'm so confused.
That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen.
- Really? - All right.
Keep your socks on.
I'll be back right after this with my call.
[applause.]
Coming up, everyone confesses everything.
There are lots of things that you don't have to wear And nobody would notice.
- Ooh-ooh.
My wife launders the money, and then she gives me The money that's been laundered.
I don't have a sock drawer.
And Bette reveals her secret to staying married.
Don't ever get a divorce.
[applause.]
All right, we're back with the Davises In the middle of laundry day.
Do you wear matching socks all the time? Not everybody wears matching socks all the time.
Oh, wait, yes.
One person does.
Tim Davis does.
I saw it on the golf channel.
I was watching this superstitious golfer Who marks his socks and, uh, It just sounded-- It sounded like it was a practical thing to do.
I mean, I was even thinking, Well, why don't they just sell socks marked? I mean, that makes so much sense.
And ever since, I've been marking my socks.
They're comfortable, you know? They feel good when they're going on.
Sometimes you grab an old sock And then put it with a new sock, And it just doesn't feel good.
Then you've got to reach in and find another one, And it's just not a match.
I just want them to be a match.
A sock's a sock.
Just put it on your darn foot And wear your shoes, okay? Who cares? [laughter.]
Any more fun facts on these people? Well, he's been doing this for five years, And apparently she intentionally Tries to bleach out the markings, so [laughter.]
So this is really a battle between sharpie and clorox.
Absolutely.
Craig, what's your sock drawer like? I don't have a sock drawer.
- You don't? - No.
How could you not have a sock drawer? 'cause it's just things sprinkled around the apartment.
[laughter.]
I love that you sprinkle your socks around the Just throwin' 'em.
That way, I can just grab and go.
What's your sock drawer like, Mika? - I-I-I don't wear socks.
- You don't wear socks? - No socks.
- Ever? - No.
- Never? - Mm-mm.
No socks.
Wait, what if you work out at the gym And you're wearing sneakers? I'm sorry.
I do.
I run every day.
- Without socks? - Without socks.
Then your feet must stink.
They probably do.
It's just an extra thing that I don't have to worry about.
You know, there's lots of things, Tom, By the way, that you don't have to wear And nobody would notice.
- Ooh-ooh.
Whoo Whoo Whoo Whoo Whoo! - Ah-ooh! - Interesting.
When do you throw out your socks? - I-I kind of-- I'll be honest with you, I don't wear them that often.
I'll wear them, like, once or twice.
What's wrong with you? I mean, I'm, like, stunned.
Well, I can see that.
Why would Howie do that? - I'm stunned.
- I wash my money.
I don't carry money.
My wife launders the money And puts all the dollars together.
I put all the money in the pockets, And then she puts the pants into the laundry And then she gives me the money that's been laundered.
I'm serious.
Really? - Absolutely.
- Wow.
When you look at us, are you shocked That we're just not dropping dead around you? No.
I know that I have issues.
But my wife helps me take care of a lot of them.
Don't ever get a divorce.
Don't ever get a divorce.
No.
I've got a very beautiful, clean woman.
I will not leave her.
It took you a long time, too, I'll bet.
I've got her hermetically sealed in our house, With the blinds closed.
I text her, and she shows up at night With sleeveless shirts-- - With socks.
- Yes.
Two socks.
- Whoo! She's wonderful.
Our marriage is perfect.
[applause.]
All right, I've heard enough.
And since this is our last issue of the night, I'm gonna pick one of you to make the last call.
And that person is going to be Bette Midler.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
So what's the call? Think about it.
You can talk about it.
Whatever you want to do.
Whenever you're ready, you say, "I'm ready to make the call.
" When that happens, people are gonna appear right up there.
Yes.
And you're gonna look 'em in the eye, You're gonna tell them who wins-- The husband or the wife-- and why.
Wait a second.
I have to canvass my other panelists.
- All right, go ahead.
- What do you think? - I'm-- are you just pretending? What, what, what? No, no, I really want to know.
I really want to know.
I'm sorry, I was like-- I'm trying to be polite.
- Okay.
I'm trying to be polite.
I like the idea with the socks.
I'm going with him.
Okay.
[whispering.]
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Fine.
Thank you.
I'm ready to make the call.
[bell clangs.]
The Davises, everyone.
[applause.]
Good to see you guys.
Bette Midler is going to make the call.
Uh, my two fellow panelists, They are finding for the gentleman, Because they think it's a genius system.
Genius, genius, genius.
But I am finding for the wife Because I think it's sick That she has to do all the sorting.
It's a genius system, but my dear young man, You should sort your socks yourself.
- [laughs.]
- Oh! [applause.]
Thank you.
- You are an l-1.
[laughter.]
- Oh, sh--! [laughs.]
What do you have to say, Tim Davis? Well, I mean, I do a lot for her, And there's only nine pairs of socks here.
I don't think I'm asking too much For her to match up nine pairs of socks.
I mean, it looks like a pile of-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[laughter.]
It looks like a pile of socks, but it's not.
So when you'd have to sort the socks yourself, You're not so keen on it.
Is that what's going on? Exactly.
I guess I have a nice system here.
I like it.
The socks last longer.
She needs to match them up.
She won, but Tim, I just want to say That I really respect you, and you have given me A new-- a new deal in life.
I love your idea, and I'm gonna actually-- I'm gonna implement your system.
I am.
Tim Davis sock system.
I am.
I'm gonna do it.
Here it is.
That sock you can tell goes on a left.
Yes.
No, I love it.
See the toe? You don't even have to look at the number.
- You should patent it.
- You can tell.
You should patent it.
We can make money.
Yeah, there's a shoe for your left foot And a shoe for your right foot.
He doesn't listen.
That's the thing about him.
He'll never listen.
It's all about the socks.
He doesn't listen.
Craig, you got anything for Tim Davis? Uh, congratulations.
[laughter.]
- Carolene, congratulations.
- Yes.
You are free of this wacky sock system.
- Thank you so much.
- Bravo.
Say good night to the Davises, everybody.
[laughs.]
And for being such great sports, All our couples will be swept away On a romantic second honeymoon to the happy island of Aruba, Furnished by Aruba Marriott Resort And Stellaris Casino.
[applause.]
- Whoo-hoo! - Aruba! -Yeah! We'd like to thank our panel of experts.
Howie Mandel! [cheers and applause.]
Craig Robinson! [cheers and applause.]
Bette Midler! And a special thank you to Mika Brzezinski.
[cheers and applause.]
And especially to all our couples tonight, Thank you for letting us into your marriage.
It's worth fighting for.
Now kiss and make up.
Good night, everybody.
Thank you.
whether times are good or bad happy or sad