The Marriage Ref (2010) s01e12 Episode Script

Demi Moore, Jim Breuer, and Kelly Ripa

[cheers and applause] Tonight on The Marriage Ref, The exotic Demi Moore.
Katie Holmes is still Katie Holmes, And she's married to Tom Cruise.
You're crazy.
But I proudly like to be called Mrs.
Kutcher.
- What was with Bruce? - He went bald.
[laughter] The sparkling Kelly Ripa.
- Everyone loves a mullet.
- No, they don't, Tony.
You've got these flowing locks of crap Down the back of your hair.
I feel betrayed.
The human cartoon, comedian Jim Breuer.
I want a dream wedding ring.
So where is it? Cook your dinner and keep your mouth quiet! [laughter] It's an hour so revealing They make you want to take your clothes off.
Isn't that enough? So shocking I've never done this before.
Yeah.
It leads to a moment no one saw coming.
Oh! Tony, Tony, Tony! This show is a roller coaster of emotion for me.
Now here's the marriage ref, Tom Papa.
[cheers and applause] Thank you.
[cheers and applause] Welcome to The Marriage Ref.
I'm Tom Papa.
Now, what I love about marriage arguments is The range is infinite.
For example, tonight, we're dealing with My diamond's too small, mullet haircuts, A last name battle, and a death couch.
[laughter] So here we go.
Welcome, panel.
Let's get started.
Let's leash up the sled dogs and mush our way Into frigid, friendly St.
Paul, Minnesota, Where we meet the Zahradkas.
Tony's bringing back something from the '80s, And Boy George, it's hammer time.
[laughter] Uh, we actually met at a Minnesota twins baseball game.
It was, uh, a singles night, And me and Sarah started talking, And it kind of, uh, blossomed from there.
[razor buzzing] I just-- I don't like this.
Everyone loves a mullet.
No, they don't, Tony.
They're laughing at you, not with you.
You've got this weird, like, military cut in the front, And then these flowing locks of crap Down the back of your hair That you somehow think looks good.
Every place we go, every man wants to be me And every woman wants to be with me.
You're just jealous.
Every woman's glad she's not me is the issue.
I didn't realize how good the mullet would look.
You know, at first I figured, eh, It might look kind of Shady, you know? But then I figured, you know what? Let's just-- let's just go for it.
And now it looks so good, I wish I would have done it years ago.
All my friends are jealous of me.
What do they say? What do they say to you? They say, "oh, my God, Tony.
I wish my wife would let me grow a mullet like that.
" Did you tell them, "my wife doesn't let you grow a mullet"? You just keep doing it.
I'm just gonna cut it off in your sleep one night.
Sometimes a man's got to make decisions on his own.
- Your friends are jealous? - Extremely.
Yeah, they're jealous that you look like an idiot And you have this good looking of a wife.
I think that's what-- I think that's what they're jealous of.
Oh, they're not jealous of that, no.
This is a style.
This is my personal redneck style.
A style, 1986.
Real great.
We all wanted to bring back that style.
Honest, I loved 1986.
You were six, Tony.
[laughter] [cheers and applause] So the issue here is, is a mullet acceptable At any point at any time on anybody? [laughter] - No.
- No.
Next case.
[laughter] What is that? What is that? Business in the front, party in the back? Yeah.
Right.
That's the expression.
Okay, the question is, who is he trying to look good for? Because it's certainly not her.
Yeah, that's a good point.
And where is he hanging out? In a mud pit? [laughter] "you look great! Go ahead, shave it! "let it flow! "get a dangling cross earring And get 'get 'Er done' on the" [laughter] "get a hat with some boots.
She'll love it! She'll love it!" I mean, that's the thing, Tom.
He didn't start this marriage with a mullet.
He shaved a mullet deliberately Yeah.
I believe, to aggravate his wife.
- You're right.
- That's a good point.
No, look, he looks very handsome right there, And that's why I said, who is he-- Who is he trying to be attractive for? And I think it's his buddies.
I think you're right.
And this marriage has been how long? - A year.
- One year? Just the facts ma'am Natalie morales.
- Hi, Natalie.
- Hi.
Hello.
How long have they been married? They've been married a year, and that's about A year's worth of hair growth there.
Wow.
So for about nine months, she's been calling him an idiot.
[laughter] Well, you know, a lot of times, And in show business, they will make you sign Sort of, contracts.
"we expect you to look this way For the duration of your run.
" Perhaps she should have enacted a certain clause In their marital contract.
Yes, but how does one predict a mullet to show up? [laughter] What's the worst haircut you ever had? It was a Farrah reverse flip Where they cut it backwards.
I looked like I just had a v.
[laughter] And not the good kind.
[laughter] I can't wait for us to all get changed backstage.
[laughter] Me either.
[laughter] [applause] Natalie, you're invited too.
Whoo! Yeah! Haven't partied like this since '86.
[laughter] I think that-- look, I think That if he wants this to last, He--and get a real job, uh [laughter] Yeah, what--? Well, he's got business in the front.
Exactly.
As long as he doesn't turn around, His boss will be cool with it.
"I'm here for the big meeting.
" [laughter] "all right, I'll go get that for you.
" [laughter] Has your mate ever come home With a haircut that you didn't like? Uh, mark shaved his head one year.
Right.
Um, and I cried.
- You did? - I did.
I cried right in front of him.
I burst into tears.
Did he have a good head shape? He's got a gorgeous-- He's got a gorgeous head.
- He's got thick hair.
- And--and--yeah, thick.
But he's got, like, thick, gorgeous hair.
I was like, "you don't shave your hair When you have hair like you have!" Yeah.
Yeah, I shaved my head too, and it didn't-- [laughter] Oh, that's right.
You actually looked pretty, as I recall.
- Yeah, for g.
I.
Jane.
- Yeah.
My wife is sad 'cause I'm slowly Shaving it every day.
[laughter] How about you? Did your--one-- Any of your mates come home and surprise you? - Um - What was with Bruce? - He went bald.
- He went b-- He was--wait.
[laughter] What's up with him? What happened? God, that was totally mean.
Why'd he do that to you? [laughter] No, Ashton has threatened to shave his head, But I'm convinced that he has, like, A point back here, so I keep telling him It's not a good idea.
He has a point in the back of his head? Yes, that it's not a good head shape.
Like a modified conehead.
[laughter] Not a good look.
How about you? If your wife came home with anything, Anything, even a mullet, Would you say anything to her? You look great.
[laughter] [cheers and applause] - Good answer.
- Good husband.
You're a good man, Jim.
- That's right.
- I-- - Wow! It's beautiful! I don't know how, but you actually look thinner! Yes! [laughter] All right, well, let's get to it.
Bottom line, who do you think I should go for? The husband or the wife? And try and convince me which way I should go.
We'll start with you, Kelly.
I say go with the wife.
I feel like she married him a certain way.
Uh-huh.
And he should at least try.
I mean, this is a year in.
20 years down the line, what's she gonna be looking at? It could be a disaster.
All right, good point, good point.
Who's he married to, Freddie or her? You mean Freddie, like, his friend? His pal, you know, or Lance, or whatever the names are.
If he was with a Lance, Lance would be like, "this is all wrong.
" - right.
[laughter] No, no, no.
[laughter] You're right.
[laughter] "I don't know what that is, but it's gotta go.
" [laughter] You're right, Tom.
I'm going for her, all the way.
- Both for the wife.
Like, I love--like, I-I would have enjoyed it and-- Because it would have been funny, And I like to laugh, So when he initially did it-- Right.
- But I think it's-- - The joke's over.
- Yeah.
- Right? We get it.
- Yeah.
- All right.
All for the wife.
Okay, I'm ready to make the call.
[bell clangs] Let's go to st.
Paul, Minnesota, and meet the Zahradkas In their very own hot tub time machine.
[cheers and applause] Hi, guys.
Thanks for being on our show.
Welcome.
Hi.
Nice to see you, Tom.
- Thanks.
- You look good.
Can you show me the party in the back? [laughter] [audience groans] Just, you know [laughter] All right, well, here's my call.
Tony, here's the thing with the beginning of a marriage.
Yeah, it's important to be yourself And keep your own identity, But not now.
Now the real Tony has got to disappear And make room for married Tony.
You can be who you are again someday, But not today.
It's simple, Tony.
Marriage or mullet.
[laughter] So congratulations, Sarah Jane, You win.
[cheers and applause] No way! No! [laughter] Tony, we know you love your redneck style now, but wait.
If you're willing to cut the mullet right here On our show, We're gonna let you keep your wife Sarah Jane.
[cheers and applause] Tony! Tony! Tony! Tony! Tony! Tony! Tony! Oh, his face is going so red.
Sarah Jane, this is your opportunity.
[cheering] It's like, Whoo! [razor buzzing] Oh! [cheers and applause] Maybe I'll let the barber come back And do the rest of it.
It's the--it's the beginning of the end of the mullet, So thank you, Tony.
That's really wonderful.
[cheers and applause] - Thank you, guys.
- Thank you.
I gotta say, now-- She's actually created a picture now Where we have you with half-mullet And half without, looking straight on.
[laughter] I think you're going places with this no mullet.
Say good-bye to the Zahradkas, everybody.
- Bye.
- Bye.
All right, when we come back, We're gonna put a stop to this name-calling.
No one calls Tyra "Tyra banks.
" They just call her Tyra.
Katie Holmes is still Katie Holmes, And she's married to Tom Cruise.
That's fabulous.
[laughter] Coming up, a marriage minefield The wife's last name.
Nobody has ever called me Kelly Consuelos.
Nobody calls me Demi kutcher Or Demi Willis.
No, you take his name.
That's like, I'm signing with the team But I'm not wearing the Jersey.
[audience booing] [laughter] And later, from out of nowhere, A shocker.
[cheers and applause] Holy cow! [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] All right, let's hop in our jeep, Flip it into four-wheel, and drive over the rockies, Into healthy and happy Denver, Colorado, Where we meet the Lehmans.
Or is it the Cobbs? Eh, they'll figure it out.
We met in a bar.
It wasn't a bar bar.
It was a patio bar.
And Erica was deep into cocktails.
No, that's not true.
That is so not true.
No.
The first time I saw Jesse, I was like, " oh, my God, he's hot.
" I said to my girlfriend, "don't even think about it.
He is totally my boyfriend.
" And so she backed off.
And then I married him.
[laughs] People never even question Why we're still taking on our husbands' last names.
I mean, you're not going out and hunting And gathering and bringing back to the fold anymore.
Do I need you to go out and kill a bison And strip it and bring it back home? - You're crazy.
- No.
I think it is time that you change your name.
You said you were gonna do this.
You know, five years ago, you were telling me-- No, I didn't say-- No, I didn't say I was gonna do it five years ago.
I said that I would consider it in five years, Which is different from, I'm definitely gonna change my last name in five years.
What is there to consider? You are married.
You are my wife.
I am your husband.
You are now a Lehman.
I'll have you know that there was a Harvard study Ten years ago with women in Massachusetts Who were married, And 17% of them, ten years ago, Kept their maiden name.
Good for them.
Wow.
And I think that marriage has become-- I think marriage has become more liberal, So I'm sure that percentage is way greater.
That's fabulous.
I think it's pretty pathetic When the only thing that someone's thinking about, Like, it's so exciting to be Mrs.
So-and-so.
I'm not saying you'll get fired up about it And have a party.
I think our kids are gonna have my last name, And I think we should all have the last name For family reasons.
Uh, when people see you walking down the street With our children, like, They could probably put the puzzle together That I'm their mom.
[laughter] It's not about not liking your last name.
It's about me wanting to keep my identity.
Your work is completely separate from that.
'cause people- - It's not separate.
People do not know you and say, "it's Erica Cobb on the radio.
" The bottom line is, is you're Erica on air.
Professionally, my name is Erica Cobb, Even if people don't call me that.
No one calls Tyra "Tyra banks.
" They just call her Tyra.
Katie Holmes is still Katie Holmes, And she's married to Tom Cruise.
And Beyonce is still Knowles.
She's not Beyonce z, so [laughter] [applause] So the issue here is, Is there some value to this name tradition, Or is it obsolete? This was revealing.
I had no idea that Jay-Z's last name was really Z.
[laughter] Unless you're a household name, To my right, to my left, Take his name.
That's like--all right.
You take his name? Absolutely; that is part of Your accepting his- [audience booing] [laughter] He will He will fight you.
I mean, you go through the whole thing.
I'm signing with the team, and here's the big picture, But I'm not wearing the Jersey? Let me just say-- [laughter] Let me say this.
I-I really can- I really can see it From both of their sides, because I got married.
I changed my name legally to Consuelos.
Nobody has ever called me Kelly Consuelos.
Everybody calls me Kelly Ripa.
And so then I got my husband's name Tattooed on my wrist.
Whoa.
So maybe she can tattoo his name somewhere.
I think this is very interesting because Nobody calls me Demi kutcher Or ever called me Demi Willis.
Right.
Uh, but I proudly like to be called Mrs.
Kutcher.
- Right.
- Have you seen me on Twitter? - I--yes.
- Yes.
- I am @mrskutcher.
- Yes, she's @mrskutcher.
That's right.
But I think there's an interesting dynamic Of why she feels the fear of loss of identity And why he feels so threatened.
Yeah.
So Jim, did your wife say That she wanted to keep her name? No, not at all.
To me, as a guy, it's, we want to sweep you off your feet And--and we've got your back no matter what.
You are now a Breuer.
So maybe he better man up.
No, I think she's got a problem with [imitates blowing up balloon] [imitates balloon popping] - ah! Ego about the name! - 'cause she's on- - 'Cause she's on the radio.
But she's not a household name.
I was just gonna say, she's on the radio in Denver, But I do think-- - in Denver! Yeah, but it doesn't matter where.
Yeah, he should just walk into parties and go, I'm with Erica in the morning [laughter] Right.
Did you take your husband's name? Uh, you know, I-- Well, I do for my checks and bank accounts.
Everybody has a double identity.
I know.
We are three ladies making the point That you can have your professional name Remain professional but be-- She can be Mrs.
Lehman.
And I think that he definitely needs to look At why he's so threatened.
Well, I could see his insecurity.
The whole thing about, uh, Tom Cruise.
Could we play that again? The-- Katie Holmes is still Katie Holmes, And she's married to Tom Cruise.
[laughter] Implying, do you know how much lower On the desirability scale you are than Tom Cruise? All right, when we come back, We're gonna name names, and I'll make the call.
[cheers and applause] Coming up, the panel is polarized.
Ooh, boy.
That really changes it.
I feel betrayed.
No.
'cause you threw us under the bus.
Maybe we should go with him.
Come on.
Whoo! I'm helping you out.
This show is a roller coaster of emotion for me.
And later, the moment that brought this wife to tears.
- Oh! - Oh! Holy cow! [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] All right, we're back with Lehman-Cobb.
Lehman-Cobb, investing in your future.
Don't you think it would be weird for me If people were calling me a different last name? No, it wouldn't be weird, because in tradition, You take on your husband's last name.
Yeah, but that's a blind tradition.
[sighs] She is so overpowering, you know? She's like--she's like Tracy Morgan in a conversation.
She just--you know, you start talking, he'll be like, "you know, one time I was over there, I mean--" [laughter] Someone's gonna get pregnant! I'm like [cheers and applause] Okay, you win, man.
You win.
Tracy, would you ever let your wife keep her name? Oh, hell, no.
[laughter] My girl! She's married to me! She ain't married to no Denver radio! She's married to me! [laughter] [laughs] She wins every argument.
He's no match for her in the argument area.
Even when they talk about where they met.
Did you see when they asked about--? Could we show that, when they met at the bar? We met in a bar.
It wasn't a bar bar.
It was a patio bar.
[laughter] And as you know, the patio bar Is so much more glamorous than a regular bar.
[laughter] I myself only go to patio bars.
[laughter] There'll be no mullets on this patio bar.
That's right.
[laughter and applause] Oh.
[applause] [laughter] But clear up for me again about the deal.
She said she would consider around the five-year mark Changing the name.
- Consider it.
- Consider.
There's a lot of things we say when we're dating.
- Right.
- Right? I've never done this before.
Yeah.
[laughter] Oh! I am gonna start watching in the morning A lot differently.
[laughter] All right, so what do you think? Bottom line.
Husband or the wife? Jim, I'm gonna start with you.
I'm going with the man.
She takes the man.
But on the radio, she's always a Cobb.
In the public eye and in photographs In magazines, she keeps her name.
And Tom, what Jim said was actually right.
Jesse feels okay with her keeping her name For professional reasons, for work.
Right.
But when it comes to checking accounts, All her banking information, mail, That's where he wants her to change it.
That's where he draws the line.
I'm down with the man 100%.
- You're going with the man.
- Yes.
Change the name.
I'm sorry.
Kelly? It means so much to him, it would make him feel Like the man in the relationship.
However, this is America, And she has the right to keep her name, And I have to go with her.
- All right.
- Oh.
- Okay.
- Okay.
So did you just say that he is fine With her keeping her name for professional reasons? - For work.
- Just for work.
- What you two do.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Secret identity.
[laughter] I-I-I--ooh, boy, that really changes it for me.
Really? Yes, because he's not demanding that she-- She changes it across the board.
He's just asking for a small give.
So are you changing? - I'm gonna go with him.
- You're gonna go with him? [cheers and applause] - Here.
- Oh.
[laughter] I feel betrayed by the sisterhood.
I'm sorry.
We discussed it during the commercial break too.
We were like, we've got to, as women, We have to side with the woman.
But it was before we had that information.
Oh, maybe we should-- Then maybe we should go with him.
- I think we need to go- - I think we need to go-- [laughter] Come on, Whoo! I'm helping you out.
[groans] Okay.
I feel like such a flip-flopper.
Like I'm a flip-flopper now.
Come on over.
All right, I'm gonna go with-- Use the force, Kelly.
[laughter] I'm gonna go with him Because he's allowing her to keep her name Let's have a few more drinks.
Professionally.
- There is is, right here.
- Thank you.
[laughter] [cheers and applause] This show-- This show is a roller coaster of emotion for me.
I don't know what you did to these two ladies, But it's amazing.
[laughter] All right, I'm ready to make the call.
[bell clangs] Let's go to Denver, Colorado, And bring up the what's-his-names.
[laughter] [cheers and applause] Hey, guys, welcome to our show.
- Hey.
- Hey there.
Here's my call.
Jesse, you're married to a strong, Successful, attractive woman.
Who cares who she is, what she's called? You should just be thrilled to have her.
You should wear a t-shirt that says, "I'm with Cobb.
" [laughter] I love that.
So I gotta say, at the end of the day, Congratulations, Erica Cobb.
You win.
- Wow.
- What? - Yeah.
- Oh, thank you so much.
- What? [audience booing] Boo? [audience booing] [laughs] Thank you so much.
When I heard that Demi and Kelly were gonna be on the panel, I just knew.
Oh, really? [laughter] Very interesting.
I think the panel was stacked.
I had no chance in this one.
Hold on, Jesse.
Hold on, Jesse.
Let them talk to you and tell you why they went against you.
- Aah! - Uh-huh.
Kelly.
Erica, we both had the same arguments, That it is 2010 and you should be able to keep your name.
However, we both, in our real lives, Go by Mrs.
Kutcher and Mrs.
Consuelos, Because it makes us feel proud of who we are As married people, and I feel that you would be Doing your husband and your marriage a real props If you took his name in your real life.
Not your professional life, but in your real life.
It would-- I'm telling you-- Beautifully said.
Bravo.
Let's light up on that patio bar.
Let's all light up.
Oh, we're on that patio bar.
Can I have a cigarette? [laughter] No, 'cause you threw us under the bus! - I can respect that.
- So you can respect it.
They're not giving me cigarettes 'cause I didn't go with them.
[laughter] I'll tell you what.
Jesse, congratulations.
You win.
All right! [cheers and applause] Just like that! Oh, my God! Okay, light him up.
Let's pour you a drink.
[overlapping chatter] Pick a lane and stick with it, people.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
Say good-bye to the Cobbs, everybody.
- Bye.
Thanks a lot.
- See you, guys.
- I loved his face.
- Oh.
Next up, we're gonna get into the ring with these two.
I want a dream wedding ring.
So where is it? [cheers and applause] Coming up, Kelly exposes One of the most closely guarded girl secrets.
When you get jewelry, when you get something really nice, How long does that last? 18 seconds.
[laughter] [cheers and applause] Let's throttle up on a classic Boston whaler, Skim into Shirley, New York, And drop by the DelVecchios, Where Carol is rocking Keith's world.
Carol and I met in High School and, um In the cafeteria, and I had a sprained wrist.
Oh, right, right, right, right, right.
And he came over And he wrapped my ace bandage up for me.
Yep.
The first time I saw him, like, "oh, my God, he looks like a sears model.
" Remember I told you that? Yep.
[laughter] When we got married, you told me The ring that I gave you had meaning, And that--that diamond right there Signifies our love and marriage And whatever you girls think in your heads.
But I would like another one.
Okay.
So where is it? Maybe 25 years.
Why? Why do I have to wait? This is my dream.
It's 15 years.
It doesn't make any sense to buy you a ring Because Jen's got a big diamond, Debbie, whoever.
All your girlfriends have bigger diamonds.
I want a dream wedding ring.
You dreamed of a car.
There's a car in the driveway.
You dreamed of a boat.
There's a boat in the driveway.
You dreamed of having land to hunt on.
Now we have land to hunt on.
You have a snowboard that you snowboard on, And you have all these things.
If you can afford all these things That you have and own, You could afford to get me a new ring.
My dream is for a new wedding ring.
Why can't I have it? I've been wearing the same clothes for three years.
You have a new outfit every other day.
Because I choose to spend my money A little differently than you It's 15 years.
It's a very special-- Okay, and what happens at 25 and 30? I've put up with all these things that you do For 15 years.
All I'm asking for is a ring.
There's people married 50 years That still have the same ring.
- No, they don't.
- Yeah, they do.
- No, they don't.
- Yeah, they do, baby.
All I'm asking for is a new wedding ring.
I deserve it.
[applause] So the issue here is, should a man Have to buy another better, bigger wedding ring If his wife wants it? I don't know why she would want a ring When she has that elegant stuffed boar on the mantle.
[laughter] What more can a girl ask for? - There's a deeper issue here.
- Uh-huh.
He's got money to buy some toys.
Uh-huh.
And he's playing in the sandbox and he's not sharing.
- What about me? - What about me? Cook your dinner and keep your mouth quiet! [laughter] You got your brand new skirt on.
Blah blah blah blah blah.
But the question is, why is she needing to justify it As a dream wedding ring? Right.
I think dreams mean a lot to her.
Did you see up on the wall? I saw the sign, yes.
Up on the wall, it said "dream" up there.
Did you see that? It says, "dream," some-- "dream," something, "laugh.
" This is the sign he wants to put next to it.
Dream on.
[laughter] [applause] - I hate--I hate that- -I hate that she's demanding it As a definition of their love, Because I ultimately don't think It really has any measure Of the value of what you share with someone.
Sure.
At the same time, just get her the damn ring.
- Yes.
- Right, right.
They've been together a long time.
I mean, since they were High School sweethearts.
They went to the prom together.
Right, right.
It's not like the guy you can just, Like a real romantic and you just come in And be like, "wow, our 15th anniversary.
"I wonder what I'm gonna get.
Maybe something" [laughter] "a little bigger?" Right.
And he'll be like, " I could shoot that.
" [laughter] If she wants this dream ring, She's gonna have to get it herself Because he's not that guy.
But it's not gonna be the same.
She wants him to be the prince.
He could be huge right here.
He could be huge.
He could re--he could rejuvenate their marriage.
Right.
At least for a short period of time.
At least for a-- [laughs] - How long does that last? - Like five months or so.
When you get jewelry, when you get something really nice, How long does that last? 48 hours.
[laughter] 48 hours? 48 hours? So where--where does that put flowers? 18 seconds.
[laughter] What is it about diamonds that are so magical? I don't know.
They're sexy.
- Yeah.
- Flashy.
Sexy, flashy.
They make you want to take your clothes off.
Isn't that enough? - Really? You know diamonds are a girl's best friend Right.
And it'll only last 48 hours.
[laughter] I got my wedding ring for my tenth anniversary.
I never had a diamond ring of any kind.
- Uh-huh.
- I wasn't expecting it.
I never asked for it.
As a matter of fact, I was very suspicious of it.
I was like, what does this mean? Oh, yeah.
'cause of the Kobe Bryant situation.
Ooh.
Ouch.
I didn't even know that I liked diamonds Until I had one, you know? So--and now, I'm--now, you know, Now I'm totally enchanted.
- It sparkles.
- It sparkles.
Yeah, it does.
It's all sparkly, my gosh.
Yeah, I know, you just buy-- - Just buy the ring.
- Buy the--yeah.
- I just think- - Just buy her the ring.
Mafia style.
Mafia style.
You just walk in and you just throw the stuff around.
In casino.
Remember casino? Right.
With De Niro, and he just kept buying More and more stuff, and Joe Pesci's all aggravated.
Right.
"what are you doing? "why are you buying this stuff for her? "what's the matter with you? It's never gonna end.
" "I don't know.
She likes it.
" - "she likes it.
" - "I don't know, it's good.
It's good.
It's good.
" "it's never gonna end, I'm telling you right now.
" All right, who do you think I should go for? Husband or wife? Bottom line.
Should he buy this ring for her or not? - Buy her the ring.
- Buy her the ring.
Going for the wife.
Buy the ring.
Buy the ring.
But know why you're buying the ring.
Yes.
Don't buy it to shut her up.
Here it is! Shut up! [imitates engine] [imitates gunshots] [laughter and applause] I would totally be on his side If there was--if they were in financial dire straits.
It seems like there's lots of toys, Lots of money for cars and boats, You know, so I feel like there's probably Extra cash lying around.
Yeah.
Okay, thanks.
I'm ready to make the call.
[bell clangs] Let's go to Shirley, New York, And bring up the DelVecchios And their not-quite-full jewelry box.
[cheers and applause] [laughter] Hey, guys.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Thanks for being on our show.
You look excited to be here, Mr.
DelVecchio.
Oh, I'm thrilled.
[laughs] You're not packing, are you? No.
[laughter] Oh, boy, here we go.
[laughter] - Uh - He's seen this show before.
He knows how it works.
Oh, I know exactly how it works.
[laughter] I'm scared.
[laughter] All right, when we come back, I'll make the call.
[cheers and applause] Coming up, the crowd goes wild.
- Oh! - Oh! Holy cow.
[cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] Okay, here's my call.
I think--I think Mr.
Breuer, as a man, Mr.
DelVecchio, Was really making the most sense.
Do I think diamonds are silly? Yes, but when you're living that high on the warthog, It's time to spread the wealth.
Keith, you've got to make her happy, So just put that boat on her finger.
Congratulations, Carol.
You win.
[cheers and applause] Hey, Tom.
Tom.
[cheers and applause] He's going to hop off to the jewelry store.
Hey, Tom.
Tom, listen, real quick.
I had a feeling they were all gonna vote In favor of her, so I went and got her the ring anyway.
[cheering] So Carol, happy anniversary.
[cheers and applause] - Oh! - Aw! - Oh! - There you go.
Holy cow! Wow! How about that? [cheers and applause] Oh! - Beautiful.
- Wow.
Look at that.
[cheers and applause] Happy anniversary.
Wow, look at that.
A happy ending on the marriage ref.
He is a stud.
Okay, major, major points.
- Yeah, topped it.
Yeah.
- Major, major.
Not only because of the ring, But because it was very romantic.
- Very romantic.
- That was romantic.
Keith DelVecchio's getting lucky tonight.
[laughter] [applause] I love it.
It's beautiful.
Wow, you are a stud, Keith.
I try.
[laughs] Keith, what would you have done if I went on your side? Uh, I would have kept the ring in my pocket And returned it.
[laughter] Well, if Kelly's right, you've got 48 hours of go time.
[laughter] Great talking to you guys.
Great job, Keith.
- Thank you.
Say good-bye to the DelVecchios.
[applause] Very impressed.
All right, let's push up a parasol, Strap on some spats, And stroll over the magnificent Brooklyn bridge To meet the marks.
They've got an issue they've been sitting on For a long time.
[laughter] We met on a blind date, and we went To a Chinese restaurant where they had music.
And we danced.
I liked the legs and I liked the dress she was wearing.
And he could tell you everything that we wore.
And we danced.
Everything that I wore that day.
Danced to Glenn Miller.
You know, there is such a thing as love at first sight.
You know that? I would like a new couch, And he doesn't think it's necessary Because he feels we're gonna die soon.
If it's a new couch, it's gonna be new chairs.
New chairs is gonna bring on rugs.
And then it's gonna be new drapes.
Look at this.
This is comfort.
- Watch the way I sit down.
- Look at her.
See that? Now watch.
I can't get the hell out of this couch.
[laughter and applause] At this age, you don't go out spending money.
There is so much money that I spent That you still don't even know about.
I let you marry me 66 years ago.
Let me have the couch.
I let you ma--I-I-- I let you marry me.
I don't want a new couch.
- And you had the-- - I don't want a new couch.
I need something new in my life.
Really something new.
Even though I'm- even though I'm 84-- Put a toupee on.
What? [cheers and applause] So the issue here is, is there an age At which there's no point in buying any new things? [laughs] I mean, I think that we're all Universally in love with this couple.
Oh, they're the greatest.
I mean, this couple is an inspiration.
Well, and you said it before, Kelly.
You want-- you want to be them.
They're so deeply in love That he should get her a chair that she can get out of.
[laughter] Isn't it insulting that she's looking At this 87-year-old man's face And saying, "I just need something new to look at.
" [laughter] They could both literally go out with a bang On this one, if they do it right.
Just like you said, why are they saving money? And if they are gonna die soon, Knock it out of the park.
Show up with--with- whatever couch she wants.
Redecorate the entire place.
- Yes! And he may get a little big bang And send them both into heaven.
[laughter] What a way to go out.
[laughs] I never thought of it that way.
Yes! My mom's 83 and she don't move a lot, And if I tell her, like, one thing, That's all she got.
You know, if I say, "ma, 2:00, Thursday, haircut," it's like telling a parakeet.
For the next 48 hours, she'll go, "Awk! 2:00! Thursday, haircut.
Thursday, haircut, 2:00.
Awk!" Okay, okay, okay.
- Yes.
Okay.
You know? Whoa, you know? All right, we're gonna take a quick nap sitting up, And if I have the energy when we come back, I'll make the call.
Aw! [cheers and applause] Coming up, there may be a little bit of snow on the roof, But there's a fire in the furnace.
Joseph, you might get a little action out of this.
What kind of action? You don't have to tell me, honey.
I know.
[laughter] [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] All right, we're back in the middle Of our clock-dragging Sunday afternoon visit With Mr.
and Mrs.
Mark.
You have to have something new in your life, No matter how old you are.
This is a good luck couch.
[laughs] What's his attachment to the couch? There is an attachment to this couch.
- His ass.
- His ass.
[laughs] He doesn't want to get his ass off that couch.
That's all it is.
He knows he's gonna have to get his ass off it And go shop and do other stuff.
Yeah.
He doesn't see just a new couch.
He's--I'm going through house things.
It went from, "wouldn't it be nice if we got a window?" Now the roof's getting blown out.
You get a new kitchen.
It just never ends right there.
I think she's gonna get a new couch either way, So she's just waiting for him to get off it Long enough that she could actually move a new one in.
If I were the kids, I would buy him a couch That I was thinking about getting in five years.
[audience ohing] Oh, like you don't think it.
- Oh! Tell me you don't buy things for your grandparents And think, I'm gonna get this back someday.
[laughter] "here, grandma.
An Xbox controller.
" Dibs.
She's the cutest, Tom, though.
She's actually- -she's all about living life And living large.
She's actually in college classes right now.
- She's in college? - Wow! Yep, she's taking college classes.
[cheers and applause] It's--it's got to be pretty funny When you're a college kid And you see her walk in to the keg party.
Here she comes again.
Here comes Georgia.
Hey, hey, hey! - I bet you- -I bet you that floral couch Winds up in a frat house somewhere.
That's exactly where it belongs.
Yeah, there are probably some guys like, "can't you get us a couch, Georgia?" "I'm working on it.
" [laughter and applause] All right, I think I've heard enough.
And since it's our last couple tonight, I'm gonna pick one of you to make the last call.
And Kelly, since this is your third appearance on the show, We've decided it's time for you To start doing a little work around here.
You get the last call.
Do I have to get up and walk over there? No, you stay right there.
Let me tell you how it's gonna work.
Okay.
You say, " I'm ready to make the call.
" When that happens, these lovely people Will appear right up there.
And remember, they've been married 66 years, so speak up.
- Yes.
- [laughs] Okay.
So what are we gonna do, panel? - We've got to go with her.
- Got to go with her.
- Gotta go with her.
- Hands down.
Okay, we are ready to make the call.
I am.
We are.
Collectively.
[bell clangs] - Okay! - The marks family.
[cheers and applause] Hi, Georgia.
Hi, Joseph.
[applause] Georgia, I think almost universally, in this room, Everybody believes that you have done your time And you deserve a new couch.
So congratulations, you win.
[cheers and applause] You win.
Good for you.
Good for you.
Aw! Joseph, are you happy for your wife That she's gonna get that new couch that she desires? Why not? After 66 years, why can't she have anything she wants? [cheers and applause] I love them so much.
Our dear friend Jim believes that Joseph, You might get a little action out of this.
[laughter] What kind of action? Georgia will show you what kind of action later, Jim, After the sofa arrives.
You don't have to tell me, honey.
I know.
[laughter] [applause] Congratulations.
Say good-bye to the marks, everybody.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
And for being such great sports, All our couples will be whisked away To hotel Kura Hulanda spa and casino On the dutch Caribbean island of Curacao For a romantic second honeymoon.
[cheers and applause] We'd like to thank our panel of experts, Kelly Ripa, Jim Breuer, and Demi Moore.
And especially to all our couples tonight, Thank you for letting us into your marriage.
It's worth fighting for.
Now kiss and make up! Good night, everybody.