The Marriage Ref (2010) s02e01 Episode Script

Ricky Gervais, Julianne Moore, Jerry Seinfeld

We got in a fight three years ago About the right way to load a dishwasher.
Three years ago.
I remember having the fight.
I remember thinking I won that fight.
Two weeks ago, we're out with another couple.
Someone mentioned "dish.
" My wife attacked out of nowhere.
I thought it was over.
She was just waiting me out like a crocodile in the water.
For three years.
Until I walk by "dish.
" "ahh!" - Tonight the marriage ref From the office and the Ricky Gervais show, The viciously funny Ricky Gervais.
- I've lost some money.
- Right.
- Did you bet on that too? - No, I bet you I'd never do this show again.
From Arvada, Colorado, Jamie and Amber Johnson.
- My husband is obsessed with pumpkins.
It is, like, an all-consuming thing for him.
- Academy award -nominated actress, The brilliant and beautiful Julianne Moore.
- It seemed like it might be fun at first, And then he stretched out her workout clothes.
- From Dallas, Texas, Jim and Jiab Wasserman.
- She cooks, and she cleans, and she makes our life easier.
- She takes over the house And leaves behind her a path of destruction.
The man who started it all, Jerry Seinfeld.
- Okay, let me tell you something.
You are home now.
You're home.
He's a knucklehead.
He's a knucklehead.
I'm a knucklehead.
From Arlington, Texas, Cory and Kristen Bush.
- The pictures of him paying off these bets Humiliating.
- It's harmless, good fun that keeps the day interesting.
- Now please welcome your host, tom papa.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Welcome to the marriage ref.
I'm tom papa.
You know, the problem with fighting with your spouse Is that usually you don't have a third party To tell you who's right.
And when I say "third party," Of course I mean world-famous celebrities.
And luckily we have some sitting right here.
Say hello to our celebrities, everybody.
- Hello, celebrities.
All right, so now, Jerry, as we know, you have been married for how long? - 11 years.
- 11 years.
- Yes.
- Happy years? - Well, the first year of marriage, I think, is Well, you don't know.
You've been - Well, Ricky's not married.
But he's been with someone for a long time.
Exactly, yeah.
- So you didn't even know you were together Until, like, the fifth year probably.
- No, we knew.
We knew.
We knew we were living in sin immediately.
- And now we've lived in sin for 25 years.
25 years.
- Yeah, what's the point in getting married, you know? - You're gonna find out tonight.
- And, Julianne, how long have you been married? - Um, seven years, but we've been together for 15.
- Wow.
- See? - So why did you go from living with each other For such a long time to getting married? - Well, it was after we had our second child.
And we figured it seemed kind of messy not to.
- A lot of celebrities, I think, like to do everything backwards.
They like to put the wedding at the end of the relationship.
- That's right.
- Right? - Yeah.
- First they get pregnant.
Then they start dating.
- that's right.
- And then the last thing is the wedding, and it's over.
That's sort of yeah.
- Let me tell you what's gonna happen.
A little different from last time you were here, Ricky.
We're gonna watch people have fights, And then they're gonna come here in the studio, And you're gonna decide who's right, The husband or the wife.
And then at the end of the night, The studio audience is gonna vote On which of tonight's three winners Is the rightest of the right.
And that person is gonna win $25,000 And a billboard in their hometown Declaring they are right.
A little twist.
All right, let's meet our first couple From Dallas, Texas, The loving and likeable Jim and Jiab Wasserman.
- We are from completely different backgrounds.
I come from a Jewish background.
Jiab comes from Thailand.
- But we both have similar interests.
- Games together, like - Table tennis.
Thai checkers.
Tae kwan do.
Ay! What are the odds that my soul mate Would have been growing up on the other side of the world At the exact same time.
- Very slim.
Very slim.
When we first got married, I told Jim, My mother, who live in Thailand, Coming to visit.
And he say, "oh, great.
How long she gonna stay?" And I said, "well, I think three to six months.
" Six months.
- She cook, and she clean, and she make our life easier.
She takes over the house And leaves behind her a path of destruction.
She is doing more harm than good.
We call her "tsu-mommy.
" - Jim sometimes a bit of a drama queen.
- She's broken an expensive clock, Broken the dryer, Broken a garage door, Broken a screen door and blamed it on the cat.
I feel violated.
- Chill.
No big deal.
My mom constantly cooks Thai food.
She is a very good cook.
But not everything needs a spring roll As a side dish.
- I can eat spring rolls for breakfast And lunch and dinner, or snack.
It's good, right? - When it gets to be a little too much, The boys and I sneak out for cheeseburgers.
- How can they be tired of Thai food? - Even when my mother-in-law leaves, Her presence is still all around.
- She asks how are you doing? How's your teeth? - Jim complains about me talking to my mother too much.
- I'm used to it.
I grow up with it every day.
- After a while, it just gets Just short of unbearable.
So the issue here is, Is it possible to live on spring rolls For six straight months? - Yes.
- Yeah? - It's funny that she's from Thailand, And she calls it Thai food.
Surely in Thailand, it's just called "food.
" Isn't it? - I mean, isn't this part of the deal with marriage The in-laws? There's always a little difficulty.
- Also, I think you marry someone From another country they have family in another country, And they're gonna come and visit and stay for a along time.
I mean, he married someone from Thailand.
He had to have known that her mother was gonna come.
- Yeah.
- Right? - And this is the thing, though, as well, isn't it? - It's your mom, and your mom has brought you up.
She's dedicated her life to you.
And now she's old and weak.
Put her in a home Definitely.
- She's cleaning.
She's cooking - She's breaking stuff.
- I think he's making it up.
- I'd rather have it dirty than broken.
No, no.
He must be making her nervous.
- Yeah, and so she's walking around with the wok And then going, "oh!" you know.
- She knows tae kwan do.
She's probably walking In the middle of the night, and she hears, cuckoo! "aaah!" - It's funny 'cause it's racist.
- No, I'll tell you what I thought was racist.
I don't like, as a Jewish person - Uh-oh.
- Oh, here we go.
- Yeah, here we go.
- Oh, that old card.
- Not again.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Here we go again.
"I'm from a Jewish background.
" You're a Jew.
There's no background.
there's no background.
- There's no background.
- Your foreground.
Yes, my foreground.
I nearly said "foreskin," But that would have been ridiculous.
- So just be a Jew - Yeah, okay.
- And just keep complaining.
That's what you're suppose to do.
- Is it that easy? - Yeah.
- Well, it's a show about complaining, like you said.
- Yeah, exactly.
- He complains about the mother-in-law's cooking, right? But look at his wife's cooking.
Desk eggs? - Desk eggs! - Cat-hair omelet.
I'd be dying for a spring roll right about now.
- He's complaining about the food, But I don't see him cooking, you know? The mother-in-law's doing all that cooking.
And he's not doing anything.
Good point.
- He does seem like a fish out of water When he eats the egg rolls, though.
You see the soy sauce? He's just pouring soy sauce down the middle of it.
- Oh, come on.
Jews love Chinese food.
It's close enough.
- He's not a Jew.
He's got a Jew background.
- Oh, okay.
- You couldn't live with your in -laws For six months straight, though, could you? - Like Julianne says, if she's from a far -off land, you know - Yeah.
- You have to make a compromise.
- You have to make a compromise.
- What are you, a 19th -century poet? "they're from a far-off land.
" Don't you understand how the world works? On a big sail ship.
You're from a far-off land.
What have you brought me? Desk eggs.
From the orient.
- That's right.
He can make jokes.
He can say tsu-mommy and all that.
- He made the tsu-mommy joke.
- That's a good joke.
- Right.
It's a good joke.
You know why it's a good joke? He's a Jew.
Jews make jokes.
Are you Jewish, by the way? - No.
- Oh, okay.
But she is funny.
- He turned away.
He turned away.
- Are you Jewish? - Did you turn from me? Did you turn from me? Oh, my God.
He did.
- Stop it, Ricky.
Stop it.
Stop it.
That's not nice.
That's not nice.
It wasn't like that at all.
You're an anti-anti-semite.
- I just didn't want to make her uncomfortable.
It's worse if I continue to stare.
We'll do it again.
- Okay.
- Julianne, are you Jewish? - No.
That's even worse.
- That is worse.
That's much worse.
- Why did the conversation end? Watch, watch.
Are you Jewish? Oh, right, I I had nothing either.
You just gotta turn away.
- Right.
You have to turn away, yeah.
- Good point.
- It was an awkward moment.
I was uncomfortable.
- Are you Jewish? - No.
- Okay, we gotta take a break.
Our panel is gonna make the call right after this.
Coming up Jerry's secret talent is revealed.
Are you gonna do a song? - I'm the pumpkin man, the pumpkin man What are you making that face for? Because you wrote Seinfeld, One of the greatest comedies of all time.
Julianne picks a side.
I feel very clear about it.
- And later, Jerry's finally had enough.
Good night, everybody.
- You won't wanna miss it, when the marriage ref returns.
- Welcome back to the marriage ref.
Please welcome Jim and Jiab Wasserman.
Welcome, welcome.
Thanks for being here.
You guys look great.
- Thank you.
- Great to be here.
- So how do you like being in new York so far? - I love it.
- Love it.
- A lot of good Thai food here.
- I haven't tried the spring rolls yet.
- Those look delicious.
- They're delicious.
They're delicious.
They're the best.
- They are, but a little of it goes a long way.
What does that mean? - Well, listen, if you want something else, Some other food, you feel free to cook it.
- Aha.
Very good.
I would love to I would love to cook it, But when I come home from work, Your mother has already laid out a seven-course meal - Well, then you need to plan ahead.
- That's right.
- You need to plan ahead.
- Is she living with you now, or is she just visiting or? She visits.
- She's visiting, but she's visiting For three to six months.
But my mother live 5,000 miles away.
To go to Thailand every other year, Visit them for two weeks in two years, That's not enough.
- No.
- Yeah.
- I want to see my mom more often.
- Maybe she should move in.
- Oh, my God.
- I want my boy to get to know their grandmother, To know Thai culture.
- Does six months ever seem like a lot to you To have your mom there? I mean, does it get a little - No.
Listen, in my culture, we are taught to respect the elderly.
Oh, that.
Yeah, we got taught that too, but - Jim, don't you think maybe there's something You could learn here? 'cause you're you know, you're no kid yourself, And pretty soon Don't you want your boys, when they get married, To want you around? - Oh, good point.
- That's a good point.
- You're gonna be like, "let's sneak out for burgers!" Like, "dad's going crazy again.
" Yeah.
- We're starting a tradition here of doing this.
And can I just say I love having her around.
- Yeah, see? - Do you really? - And also, can I point out one thing? His mother live 15 minutes away from us, okay? Oh, really? - He get to see his mother as often as we'd like to.
I've got an idea.
Let your mom live with his mom.
- Get the Tsunami and the Jew -mommy And put them together.
- I like that.
- Oh, my God.
Good night, everybody.
All right.
Who here is right Jim or Jiab? - I feel very clear about it.
- Okay, go ahead.
I'm gonna go with Jiab.
You married someone from Thailand.
You knew her mother was in Thailand.
You know that they have a cultural tradition - He knew her mother was in Thailand.
"where's your mom?" "Thailand.
" Brilliant.
Right? That works great! "where's your mom?" "in the spare bedroom.
" No.
See that's No, no.
I think it's a very rewarding relationship.
- Right.
- You know, yeah.
- All right, well, thank you Dr.
Julianne Moore.
- Okay, yeah.
- Good, so one for Jiab.
How about you, Jerry? - Well, it seems like, you know, as a Jewish guy With his beautiful, exotic wife, You're really kind of getting a great deal.
I did.
- And, uh, I would try and negotiate a steamed dumpling Or maybe a wonton, Something like that, that I know you like.
I'm gonna go with Jiab is right, because - Going with Jiab.
- Yeah.
- So it's two for Jiab, Ricky.
Okay, here we go.
Three months a year, she doesn't break anything.
Everything she breaks oh that's a day off.
- So you're for her coming, but you gotta negotiate it.
- So it's really like you're going for Jiab.
- Exactly.
Another oh, off the calendar.
- Well, congratulations, Jiab.
You win.
And you may be the winner of $25,000 And your own billboard.
- Wow.
- A big round of applause for the Wasserman's, everybody.
- All right, let's meet our next couple.
We're going to festive and freezing Arvada, Colorado, To meet Jamie and Amber Johnson.
Jamie and I met online, And we just connected immediately.
- Everything that we talked about, Everything that we did, We just were on the same wavelength on it.
- It was definitely love at first sight.
And here we are eight years later.
Happily ever after.
- I think everybody should have An hour a day to do something that they want, That they're passionate about, something that's about them.
And growing giant pumpkins is what it is for me.
- My husband is obsessed with pumpkins.
It is like an all-consuming thing for him.
I mean, he lives and breathes pumpkins.
- There's nothing else like it.
There's nothing that grows like a pumpkin.
It's extreme gardening at its best.
- I mean, we could have an amazing garden with tomatoes And cucumbers and lots of different great things.
- You can't grow a 1,000 -pound cucumber.
You can't grow a 1,000-pound tomato.
The pumpkins speak for themselves At the end of the day, yeah.
At the end of the day, You're growing a giant piece of fruit.
My husband's obsession with pumpkins Creeps into every single conversation.
- I was online, and there's a grower Who's trying cross a field pumpkin With an Atlantic giant variety pumpkin.
They're totally different species.
You can't even cross them together.
I don't even know what the guy was thinking.
There's all different types of varieties of pumpkin.
There's Aladdin.
There's big macs.
There's prize winner.
There's baby bear, baby boo, big rock, Iron man pumpkin, Jack be little, Jack be quick pumpkins.
- You would think a guy who grows giant pumpkins Could pronounce it, but he says "punkin.
" - I, uh, got into giant -pumpkin growing Kind of by accident, which is kind of a familiar story Of most giant pumpkin growers.
- Jamie treats the pumpkin like children, And he names them.
This is bubba.
I have been known to talk to the pumpkins in private.
Little pumpkin snuggles.
It's out of control.
He is spending more time with his pumpkin Than he is spending with the family.
He's either with the pumpkin, Or he's sorting all of his seeds, Or pretty much every day, he's on bigpumpkins.
- She says that it's pumpkin porn.
But growing giant pumpkins is nonstop fun.
So the issue here is, How many of our male viewers Have just googled bigpumpkins.
Com? - I love any guy with big pumpkins.
I love any guy with big pumpkins.
- You said you thought - That guy is weird.
He's a weird guy.
- Why is he weird? "punkin" Big "punkin" this, big "punkin" that.
- You gotta get into something.
- I like the fact that she's annoyed.
And he is a bit weird, right? - Uh-huh.
- But at the end of the day, She's jealous of a pumpkin.
So who's the loser, really? - Right, right.
She calls, and she says That he's going on the Internet, and it's like pumpkin porn.
- No, no one said, "pumpkin porn.
" You said, "pumpkin porn.
" - No, no, she said it.
- She said it's pumpkin porn? - She said it's pumpkin porn.
- Oh, hold on.
What has she caught him doing? - Can you show him going into the patch, Where he goes over the fence? - Yeah, like sneaking into the pumpkin patch.
- Yeah, show that part where he - Hold on.
This that - Why is he sneaking in? - Why no door? What is the problem? - Also, is that not even his property? Yeah, he's stealing someone else's pumpkin.
- This obsession with size, too, that it be the biggest pumpkin.
He would have grown other vegetables, But they didn't get as big.
- Yeah.
- He can't have a big cucumber or big pepper or big whatever.
- Exactly.
- There was another weird thing Where the pumpkin had a blanket on it did you see that? Yes, to keep it warm.
- He put the blanket on a pumpkin.
Pumpkins are used to being outdoors.
And he's wearing a hat indoors.
- A pumpkin hat.
- Speaking of dressing pumpkins, I have a photo I'd like to share with you.
- Oh, that's me.
- Is that you? - That's me as pumpkin man.
But this is a thing I do for my kids.
I invented this character called pumpkin man Who comes the night before Halloween, 'cause you know how they can't wait.
So the night before, pumpkin man comes.
- And I don't admit to them that it's me, Even though they know - Yeah.
- That's nice.
- 'cause they'll say to me, like, at dinner Like, the week before, they'll go, "so is he coming again this year?" - What do you have in the bag? - The candy is in the bag! It's candy! - Wow.
- It's not pumpkin porn.
- That's pretty cute.
- There's nothing wrong with that Going disguised as a pumpkin Carrying sweets around the neighborhood.
That's fine.
- I'm pro-pumpkin.
- I am a little I am a little over pumpkin Being found in everything now.
It used to be just Jack-o-lanterns and Halloween.
And now it's pumpkin ravioli, Pumpkin candles, pumpkin Risotto.
- There's a lot of complaining on this show.
I've never I've never sat at home and gone, "oh, there's too much pumpkin!" I've never done that.
- All right, we have to take a quick break.
And when we come back, there will be A pumpkin-carving party right here in the studio With Jamie and Amber Johnson.
- Welcome back to the marriage ref.
Let's meet our next couple, Jamie and Amber Johnson.
Thanks for being here.
- Thank you.
Thrilled to be here.
- So what's the biggest pumpkin you've ever grown? - 868 pounds.
- Wow.
- What kind of radioactive steroids Are you pumping into these things? Why do they get so big? - There were some neighborhood children that I didn't like, And we fed it to the pumpkin.
It put on 40 pounds that day, so it was a complete success.
It's a pumpkin joke, Jerry.
Just go with it.
Just go with it.
Do you hate pumpkins, Or do you hate the time for the pumpkins? - I hate the time.
The pumpkin is fine.
- It takes an hour.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
During peak season, I'm a single mom.
And he spends more time with his pumpkin Than he does his own family.
All I ask is moderation.
- If you want to get his attention, Just get fat and sit in the garden.
- Get a little pumpkin wig, and there you go.
- Then he's gonna come to mama.
Whoa! - Putting that hat on.
- Just stay quiet.
Just stay quiet.
Here's the reality.
She's like, "oh, he's never with the family.
" I'm literally over the back fence.
I'm not on the moon.
It's right there.
Why don't you have a gate? Why do you have to sneak Why do you have to jump over the top like that? What's that about? - That's a good question.
It's not on our property.
He's growing on our neighbor's property.
Oh, so you were right.
- She can come over anytime she wants.
The kids come over with me.
- She can come over the fence anytime she wants.
Why does a really big one Have that very unattractive complexion Kind of unwell-looking? - It's not a beauty contest.
It's all about weight.
- I'll say.
- Right, yeah.
It's not a beauty contest.
It's not what they look like.
It's what they've got inside them.
Can I ask something? This sounds naive, and I don't want to put down your skill.
But don't they sort of grow themselves? - Yeah.
- What do you do? How do you make them go, "come on, come on!" - The reality is - "Grow, you idiot!" - He has to tell you about pollination period, Because literally there's a two-week pollination period In which I cannot plan any travel - But he doesn't do that.
Bees do that.
What's he - The boy and the girl flower yes, he does that.
- That is sick.
And you watch him do it? - You don't grow an 1,800-pound world-record pumpkin - You could still turn away when they're doing it.
- That's why the big fence is around it.
- Exactly.
- yeah, yeah! - You don't want the children seeing that.
- You're like a pimp for pumpkins.
- Daddy, what are those two pumpkins doing? Look away.
- Come on, that's enough of that.
Let's go and look at the cucumbers.
- Here's what you gotta stop doing.
Don't talk to her about the pumpkin.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- It's fine to be an eccentric, Lunatic, you know, extreme gardener.
But this is not her business.
She's not into it.
- When you come back, She goes, "what have you been doing?" Just say, "oh, I've been fighting bears.
" I've been stealing cars, Getting drunk.
He could be doing much worse stuff.
- Amen.
- I've got a list.
You're going with Jamie? So one for Jamie.
- You know, I really think it's important To have something that you care about, But not to the, you know Not to the obliteration of your family obligations.
- Right.
Jamie or Amber.
- If Jamie makes a gate and says, you know, Like, "I will dial it back," then I will go with him.
Will you do that? - Jerry, Jamie or Amber? Gate will be put in.
- You had a good laugh at me - What? - That I was the pumpkin man.
- Yeah.
- But I am the pumpkin man.
- Are you gonna do a song or something? - I do have a song.
- Oh, my God.
Do it.
- Do you wanna hear it? - Yes, yes! Absolutely.
- Pumpkin man! - I'm the pumpkin man, the pumpkin man What are you making that face for? Because you wrote Seinfeld, One of the greatest comedies of all time.
You were my hero! I came on this show twice because Jerry Seinfeld asked me.
And now he's a pumpkin man.
- I bring all the candy that I can Jesus Christ.
- I'm not scary, I'm not mean I only come on Halloween.
I'm the pumpkin man I'm going with Jamie - Congratulations, Jamie.
You win.
And you may be the winner of $25,000 And your own billboard.
A big round of applause for the Johnsons, everybody.
Yes! All right, we have to take a quick break.
But before we do, We see a lot of couples fighting on this show, But what we don't see is a lot of good technique.
To help you argue more efficiently, We've come up with the marriage ref fight manual.
Coming up It's the cold, hard truth.
- Does your wife ever get tired of your jokes? Yeah, she hates them.
But I'm not gonna stop.
- This couple has a serious problem.
- It's clearly progressing, So it keeps going up and up and up.
So you don't know what he's gonna do next.
- What do you think the next is serial killing? I don't know.
- Our panel has a serious discussion.
- A guy shows his ass to his friend, his friend laughs.
- Find out what the hell is going on When the marriage ref returns.
- Welcome back to the marriage ref.
Now let's meet our final couple of the night.
From just outside Memphis, In ultra-friendly Arlington, Tennessee.
It's Cory and Kristen Bush.
- Cory and I met in 1985 at church camp.
We were both 15 years old.
- I definitely had my eye on her from the start.
Smitten, maybe, is the best way to describe it.
- Something just kind of clicked.
And we both, I think, felt it pretty quickly.
- I like to make bets with friends That don't involve money, don't involve anything Just are fun, competitive bets.
She thinks I embarrass the family with these bets.
- She knows that you embarrass the family with these bets.
Cory has a group of friends that he makes bets with.
- 40-year-old men should not act like this.
- There's nothing that can't have A little game attached to it.
I bet the next car that comes by is red.
Takers? Anyone? - Done.
- Done? - I'm in on that.
Cory will bet on anything.
- Let's go red.
- Anything but red.
Oh, no! Oh! - Lately it seems like I've been On a pretty bad losing streak.
- The stakes of his bets are not large sums of money.
It's "what can we make this guy do That is mortifying and embarrassing?" - "honk if you think I'm an idiot" is pretty bad.
- You guys are really enjoying this, aren't you? - We live in a very small community, In a very small neighborhood.
- Hey, is that your neighbor? - There he is.
- So his bets adversely affect that dynamic.
- Kristen will probably be getting a few Facebook messages about her idiot husband.
- The pictures of him paying off these bets Humiliating.
- It's harmless, good fun that keeps the day interesting.
- It's just getting progressively worse.
The stakes are getting higher And more mortifying and embarrassing.
- It was over a football game.
- The loser had to wear their wife's workout clothes And run through their neighborhood.
I do not know why he does this.
He's acting like a frat boy.
Thank you.
I think everyone likes a funny story and a silly thing.
Frat boy.
- It just brings happiness to people.
Frat boy.
So the issue here is, Is it still a bet if everybody loses? - You know, it seemed like it might be fun at first, And then he stretched out her workout clothes.
That's not funny.
- He's got a reasonable bosom, I thought he looked all right.
- I think she was embarrassed, because if you look out, It's Sarah Palin that walks by when she says hi.
- It is.
- That friend, yeah.
Yeah, right there.
- Don't you think she needs to kind of chuckle up a little bit? Come on.
I get the feeling, If they've been together since they were 15, This is something that she's been dealing with For a long time.
And maybe she feels like it's enough.
- Maybe he just needs to write new material.
- Yeah, maybe that's it.
- I completely disagree.
- Does your wife ever get tired of your jokes? - Yeah, she hates them.
- Right.
But I'm not gonna stop.
But don't you love him and his friends? Don't you think they're terrific? - I think he's really sweet.
He's not hurting anyone, is he? I like his two friends.
I like the one that looks a little bit like Oliver Hardy.
He looks fun.
I mean, he could be out doing terrible things.
And he's not really, is he? - Well, that's not really You can't justify anything - By saying you could do worse.
- Yeah, you could say that about anything.
- It's clearly progressive too.
It keeps going up and up and up.
So you don't know what he's gonna do next.
- Well, what do you think the next is serial killing? I don't know.
It's just a fun bet.
He's not gonna murder anyone, is he? "oh, I should have stopped him with the bra.
" He's fine.
He's just having fun.
- He ruined those clothes, though, that's it.
It's over.
They're all stretched out.
You can't wear that anymore.
- Electric chair.
- Yeah.
- Now.
- I think it's a little tedious.
- Yeah.
It's a very guy thing, don't you think, Julianne? I mean, the one guy's joke was just To turn his ass to the guy.
- Yeah, I didn't understand.
- And they all laugh.
- I didn't know what that joke was.
I thought, "what does he have back there?" - A guy shows his ass to his friend, his friend laughs.
It's just - It's chimps.
That's the way chimps do it.
- It's basic.
Exactly, cavemen.
That was the caveman's biggest joke.
In the cave, that was the best joke ever.
The first stand-up comic.
- Exactly, yeah.
This guy's killing me.
This guy is killing me.
- Have you seen him do the ass bit? You've got to see it.
- That's right, yeah.
- Really smart a comic's comic.
They're all out there drinking beer.
See? Yeah, see? It's funny.
That is funny.
- You laugh every time.
- That's great.
- What's the worst bet you've ever made? - I bet that tiger woods' marriage would survive.
I bet $50.
And I thought he was almost there.
- I've lost some money.
- Did you bet on that too? - No, I bet you I'd never do this show again.
- All right, we have to take a quick break.
We're gonna keep this discussion going Right after this.
welcome back to the marriage ref I'll be you a dollar when I say these names, People are going to appear.
Cory and Kristen Bush.
Welcome, guys.
- How are you? - Very good.
Oh, thanks for being here.
Thank you for having us.
First, I want to apologize to y'all for that.
I know that it was probably disturbing and mortifying.
- Why were you mortified watching him do his thing? - Well, let's put it this way.
I had to buy a new sports bra.
Yeah, yeah.
- Julianne had a problem with that as well.
- Absolutely, as any woman would.
- And Jerry thought you filled it in very nicely.
Well, thank you.
I've been working on that.
I appreciate that.
- I love this guy! I love him.
He's great! - He's having a good time.
- You are home now.
You're home.
He's a knucklehead.
He's a knucklehead.
I'm a knucklehead.
Your friends make my friends look like Rhodes scholars.
- I don't even know why we're here.
Is there I know how you feel.
- It's just harmless fun where I get to play.
Tell us, Kristen.
- Well, it's not just, you know, bets.
He does dares that are disgusting.
- Like what? - Wow.
- A coworker dared him to drink a can of soup Bean with bacon soup.
And I don't need to tell you what that does To someone's gastrointestinal system a few hours later.
But hold on.
That is actually technically a food.
That's all right.
- But you're not supposed to drink it like water.
- She's talking about it like She caught him drinking blood or something.
It's a liquid.
- That one I actually won $2.
27 for.
There you go.
- Kristen, when you first started dating, Did you think that Cory was funny did he make you laugh? - He absolutely made me laugh.
- So you appreciated his sense of humor.
- Absolutely, and I have a great sense of humor.
You do.
- I do.
- All right.
- I know that's shocking, but I do.
And what's become an issue Is we have an eight-year-old daughter, And it's starting to really bother her.
I think that's your job.
You have to embarrass your children.
- That's what my husband says too.
- Because otherwise they've got nothing to rebel against.
If you're perfect, they can't live up That's why I haven't had kids, 'cause they couldn't possibly live up to me, really.
- Then, Ricky, I'm father of the year.
It wouldn't be fair.
- But what's the worst that happens to you? He runs down in his underwear, and what happens to you? What's the result? Are people just, "boo, there she goes!" - The people that are offended or upset Or kicking us out of the garden club, We don't wanna hang with them anyway.
- That's right.
To hell with them.
- They're not knuckleheads.
- Does it make you feel Like you have to be the grown-up in the relationship? Absolutely.
And what has happened is, we are now the couple that makes Everyone else feel better about themselves.
- "at least we're not like the bushes.
" And I don't wanna be that couple.
- All right, let's make the final call.
Who is right Kristen or Cory? I'll start with you, Ricky.
- Well, even though it is slightly embarrassing And disappointing, That's what a father and husband should be - Right.
- For better or worse.
You know what I mean? It's just turned out worse, okay? But it could have been a lot worse.
So I'd say on the greater scheme of things, He's a pretty good husband and father.
You've gotta carry on.
- All right, one for Cory.
Julianne, Cory or Kristen? - I think she just wants him to just dial it down.
- That's accurate, yes.
- Yeah.
- You know, just back it off a little bit, You know, maybe bring her into the bit or something.
So she doesn't have to feel like she's the grown-up, And he's the kid.
- Look at her face.
It's terror, pure terror.
- You don't want to make her feel like She has to be the responsible one, And you're the fun one.
- Kristen or Cory? - I'm gonna go with Kristen.
Sorry, I'm gonna go with Kristen.
- I like her suggestion, bringing her into the bit.
That's what I like, so she's gotta run Down the street in his bra.
- Tiebreaker, Jerry Cory or Kristen? - Cory, would you agree to just kind of tone down Some of the really embarrassing stuff? - Don't do it, Cory.
Don't let Seinfeld sway you.
- I would love to look you in the eyes And say yes to that, but, you know, You shouldn't make promises you just don't think you can keep.
- Knucklehead, knucklehead! - I don't know that that's gonna happen.
- Oh, I don't like that.
You gotta give a little.
- Tiebreaker goes to you, Jerry.
- All right - Cory or Kristen? - Because Kristen is being flexible And Cory is not, Kristen.
Oh! No way! I love you! - Congratulations.
You win.
- What happened to knuckleheads? - I wanted to.
- And you may be the winner of $25,000 And your own billboard.
A big round of applause for the Bush family, everybody.
Coming up, we'll find out who our audience thinks Is the rightest of the right.
Coming up Will Kristen Bush be the rightest of the right? - My husband has been on national tv now Running down the street in my sports bra.
If I don't win, I fear for what happens next.
The audience will decide.
And someone will win $25,000 And their own billboard.
Be here for the stunning conclusion of - All right, we're back with tonight's finalists, And they're all hoping to be the rightest of the right And the winner of $25,000 And their own billboard.
Here's a reminder of the arguments they've won tonight.
Jiab Wasserman with the mother-in-law in residence.
Six months.
- She cooks, and she cleans, and she makes our life easier.
- She takes over the house and leaves behind her A path of destruction.
- We call her "tsu -mommy.
" - Jiab, why are you the rightest? - Because this is more than simple disagreement.
This is about family.
This is about respect, Different culture.
- Ooh, throwing the whole culture down.
- Jamie Johnson with bubba the pumpkin.
- My husband is obsessed with pumpkins.
This is bubba.
I have been known to talk to the pumpkins in private.
Little pumpkin snuggles.
- Jamie, why are you the rightest? - Everybody loves a great pumpkin.
I'm Linus from Charlie brown.
Help me bring the great pumpkin home.
- And Kristen Bush, with the frat -boy bets.
- The pictures of him paying off these bets Humiliating.
- It's harmless, good fun that keeps the day interesting.
Frat boy.
- All right, and, Kristen, why are you the rightest? - Well, my husband has been on national tv now Running down the street in my sports bra.
If I don't win, I fear for what happens next.
- All right, audience, the time has come.
Please vote now.
Now, you guys, who are you rooting for? - Oh, no doubt about it.
Just think of the billboard Him.
- Aw! - No, it'd be great.
It'd be great him on a billboard.
- Yeah, I like the pumpkin guy too, Because your issue is very tough.
Cultures it's very it's hard.
And yours is personality conflict.
This guy pumpkins, he's not hurting anybody.
- I just wanna see him on a billboard.
- Do something about the fat -pumpkin complexion, though.
It's not - Do any of them come out pretty at the end? Some of them are pretty, And some of them look British, frankly.
- They're all pretty to me.
- Did you hear that? - Some of them look British? - I was wondering if you heard that.
Just a joke.
- Yeah, I like my woman friends.
I like them both.
I think they both deserve - That's not a fair way to judge.
- No, no, it's not that.
I mean, their dilemma I think, pumpkin, whatever.
We gave you the thing.
- Pumpkin, whatever? - Pumpkin, whatever? - Don't say whatever.
It's his life's work! - Hey, I'm the pumpkin man.
I'm rooting for the pumpkin.
- Okay, well, the results are in.
It's time to find out who will be the rightest.
In third place, with the fewest votes, Not the winner of $25,000 Or their own billboard.
Is Kristen Bush.
- Give her a round of applause, everybody.
- All right, down to Jamie and Jiab.
One of them will win $25,000 and their own billboard - Come on! - Come on! And the other gets nothing.
- Come on! - Come on, Jiab.
The rightest of the right, The winner of $25,000 and their own billboard Is Jiab Wasserman! Congratulations! That's great! Let's bring him out.
Come on out, Jim.
All right, Jim.
Now, Jiab, our audience thinks that you're the rightest.
But, Jim, only you can make it official.
So let's hear you say it.
Honey You were right.
And, Jiab, here's what your billboard is going to say.
Here you go.
- We'd like to thank our panel Ricky Gervais, Julianne Moore, and Jerry Seinfeld.
Yay, yay, Jim! I won! I won! See? Who's right? Who's right? Jiab Wasserman.
It's a sign from God, Jim there.
Mom, look.
I won.
- All couples tonight will receive a five -night stay At the barcelo bavaro palace deluxe punta cana Dominican Republic.
Airfare furnished by orbitz.
- Keep fighting, America.
Good night.

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