The Marriage Ref (2010) s02e02 Episode Script

Tracy Morgan, Susie Essman, Regis Philbin

You can get as fat as you want.
It's in the rules.
As soon as you get married, I love you, you love me.
We can't have sex with other people.
Let's eat a chocolate cake.
"you want ice cream on that?" You bet your fat ass I do.
Tonight, on a never-before seen episode The Marriage Ref From the hit show 30 rock, The hilarious Tracy Morgan.
We gonna get naughty with a 40.
From historic Maryville, Tennessee, Will and Melissa Kinton.
I am not married to George Washington.
From the Emmy-award-winning series Curb your enthusiasm, Comedian Susie Essman.
He wants to be in the 18th century.
Okay, Regis is the only one of us That was alive at the time.
- Hey, hey, hey! Hold it! - Hey! Representing the sunshine state, Mark and Marge Moldoff.
- I'm asking her to "try to look your best," All the time.
- You're getting old and you're losing it.
From television, Regis Philbin.
She's actually winking at you, Tracy.
What does that mean? From exotic Brooklyn, New York, Richard and Kiki Simpson.
- You a grown - Ass man.
You scared of a little hair on a nightstand? Now, please welcome your host, Tom Papa! Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Welcome to the Marriage Ref.
I'm tom Papa! We have a great show for you tonight.
We've got wild arguments.
We're giving away big prizes to the winners.
And look.
Celebrities! Ah.
- Hi, Tommy! Good to see you.
Regis Philbin, Susie Essman, Tracy Morgan.
What else do you want? The old gang together again.
Here we are.
Now, before we get started, Let me just get this out.
Uh, you have been married to joy for how long? - 40 years.
- 40 years.
- Yeah.
- Amazing.
Great.
- Thank you.
- That's great.
Yeah, that's good for you.
And Susie.
I'm a newlywed, relatively.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Two years we've beenmarri legally married.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yes.
- Wow.
Oh.
Tracy - I'm moving to Utah.
I need more than one wife! why do you want more than one? 'cause how many days in the week? Seven.
That's how many I need! I was married for 21 years.
- You were married for - Yeah, webut Uh, we're friends now.
- Oh.
- Really? Once a month, we're friends.
When the check is due? - When the check comes in the mail, we're - All right, well, here'sthe way it's gonna work.
You, panel, are going to make the call On who is right and who is wrong.
I Will push and prod you, But you Will have the final say.
Number two, you are gonna make the call In front of the couples, Who Will be right here in the studio.
And this is the biggie: At the end of the night, our studio audience Is gonna vote on which of our winners Is the rightest.
And whoever is the rightest, Is gonna get a check for $25,000 - Wow.
- AndTheir own billboard In their hometown, declaring they are right.
Oh, my gosh! - Yes, indeed.
- I wish they would have had you in the courtroom When I was going through it.
I would have got a billboard.
I didn't get no billboard.
And I was right, and I know I was right! - All right, now that we're all caught up, Let's meet our first couple The Kintons from Maryville, Tennessee.
- I love Melissa because she's a great wife, A great mother.
And I look forward to seeing her When I get home.
Will is a traditional guy.
He's a southern gentleman.
He's just a good partner to have because he takes care of me.
Why wouldn't you like him? - My wife teases me about being a history junkie.
I suppose there's some truth there.
But that's also my profession.
I'm a park ranger at a state historic area.
He eats, sleeps, and breathes history.
God forbid you ever ask him something, 'cause he just goes on and on and on and on.
- During this time, the great enemy was France.
So you could use an empty musket as a weapon.
- All I hear is, "wahwah wah wah wah wah.
" The redcoats were the good guys.
Look, there's a great bald eagle.
Now it's not just at the fort, It's in the house.
I had been out of town for the weekend, And when I came home, I opened the door to the storage room And there was a tavern.
Hip hip, huzzah! This tavern is a sanctuary for me.
- Success to Caroline.
- That's us.
We actually have a room in our house That is an 18th century tavern.
That is not normal.
My stuff is up here.
There's no way I kept all my cleaning supplies Here's my Christmas tree, here.
- Every day, I come in and I think, "tavern.
" And what a joke.
That's not storage.
Nobody has a tavern.
We have an 18th century tavern.
People don't live like this.
Taverns is where people met To create this country.
Will, we are not creating a country.
You need to jump into this century.
- I supposed we could move these muskets in the bathroom.
You have a place.
Do I need to remind you of the second room That you have in our house? He has an area, and it's equally disgusting.
His sense of design doesn't match my taste Or anybody's taste.
This definitely increases the resale value of this house.
I can't think of, like, Anybody who would come to a house And be like, "oh, it has a tavern.
Let's offer more money.
" I am not married to George Washington.
I know, he would never have tolerated Such a mouthy wench.
It's weird and creepy.
It's disgusting.
- If my wife loves America, she has to love this tavern.
Tavern.
All right, so the issue here is, Should you have to entertain drunken redcoats In your storage room? - First of all, he's wearing the enemy outfit! He's wearingdidn't we beat the British? - he's a redcoat.
- He's not in a rev He's a redcoat! He's not in a revolutionary war outfit.
Second of all, he wants to be in the 18th century.
Okay, Regis is the only one of us That was alive at that time.
- Hey, hey! - Hey! - Wait a minute! Hold it! What's going on here? ButTracy would have been a slave.
I would have had no rights as a female.
Mouthy wench? Don't even get me started on this one.
- Wait, a guy can't even have a little tavern That he calls his own? Is that the is that the problem here? Not when he's got a deer head with Who wants to take toilet paper Off an antler? Well, he did overdo it.
- They gotta get a TVset in that house, man.
- Yeah, he did overdo it.
- Gotta get a TV set, man.
There's, like, no technology in there.
To me, when I see that, it looks like The coolest thing I've ever seen in a house, ever.
- Really? It does.
I mean, I'm who is she to complain? I mean, he's like, "I'm going to the bar with my friends.
" He goes into the other room.
- Yeah.
I understand that.
I understand that.
However, tom - Yes? - It's a small home.
He's taking up a lot of place Space with antlers and muskets and such, you know? - I - I'm with you on the deer thing.
Can we see the deer? I mean, the poor deer.
You already killed it.
- Yeah.
Do you have to haze it too? Sheyeah! She's right.
She's right, he's crazy.
The toilet paper's all the way on the roof.
- that's right.
How you supposed to get it? - You have to get up off the bowl and climb a ladder! I like the red coat because that's what Clint Eastwood was in, uh What was that cowboy picture, Uh, where he spit? Oh, in the outlaw Josey Wales? Yeah, Josey Wales was a redcoat! - No, shehe was not! - He wasn't? No, he wasn't! He was a cowboy! He was a cowboy.
Josey Wales? That was 200 years later, Tracy.
- Josey Wales? - Yeah, Josey Wales! Tracy, every white guy on a horse Isn't the same guy.
I thought it was! - Now, Regis, you - Every guy You said you like this, though.
Well, I like the idea that the guy Has his own little cave in the house.
You know, I mean, Tracy, You must have your own little place When you were married 21 years.
Yeah, I had a man cave.
- Yeah, I understand.
- I had a man cave.
But I didn't have people come in It wasn't a "tavern.
" Well It wasn'tyou couldn't go in there And get a cheeseburger deluxe.
You know, but I gotta agree with her.
She makes a lot of good, uh, arguments here.
- Don't be intimidated by her, though, she has No, but what she's saying is right.
I mean, it's, uh Pretty tough on that woman.
Although the woman has the kitchen, doesn't she? She has the kitchen? Probably.
- Oh, wait what she should have.
Ohh! - Little joke, Tracy! Let me tell you something, Do you want to know this guy's biggest offense? Yes.
- He's boring the living daylights out of his wife With this talk about history.
He's boring.
- Yeah, she gonna messaround with Mandingo soon.
That's right.
- I mean, if there's any doubt that it is bothering her, Just listen to the way she says "tavern.
" Tavern.
Tavern.
Tavern? Tavern.
tavern.
That last one came out tough.
- Yeah, any time your wife talks through her teeth, You know you're in trouble.
- Totally against it.
- Regis.
- Argh! Grr! I've heard that.
- Look at the dude that's drinking with him.
Hip hip, huzzah! Really.
Exactly.
He looks bonkers.
Poor guy, I feel sorry for him now.
Ilook, look Look how happy he is, though, in the thing.
No, he does look like Josey Wales! I don't care what he says.
- Talk to them! All right, I've just been told That there are two lanterns In a window across the street.
Which means, the Kintons are coming.
They'll be in the studio right after this.
Coming up next, Signals get crossed.
- Don't you understand where the disconnect is? No, ma'am, I don't.
Yeah.
And tom is forced to step in.
- Witch was a pretty respectful term in - Oh, was it? - It really was.
It really was.
Who Will win this epic battle? Find out when we come back.
Welcome back to the Marriage Ref.
We are about to settle a 234-year-old argument For the Kintons.
Tavern in or out of the house? And look who we found.
Will and Melissa Kinton.
Good to see you guys.
Good to be here.
Now, when you do those reenactments, You have to really stick to it, right? There can't be any, like, modern-day things andright? It all has to be historically accurate.
- You say that in a way that makes it sound bad.
It is.
- I have no problem with the historical accuracy In your job that's what you do.
But you don't have to have historical accuracy In your home.
Why does Melissa have to live with that? She doesn't at the house.
- Yes, she does! You have that tavern sitting in the house! And antlers! - No, but it's a fun place.
It's like some people have a littlea little game room.
Some people have, uh, whatever.
They have a tavern in that little hallway.
No they don't have a tavern.
- That's right.
- Will has a tavern.
And, Will, let me ask a question.
When you called her a mouthy wench - What? - Yes, ma'am.
That feels okay to you? - Well, wench was a pretty respectful term in that - Oh, was it now? - It really was.
It really was.
It totally was.
I'mI'm trying.
And mouthy Is a respectful term? I don't think so, Will! - No, ma'am, it wasn't.
But it's a pretty accurate description at times.
It's annoying.
We have kids.
And he wants them to be involved, so - Sure.
- I try to do my part, And, you know, dress up and go out.
- And so you gotta, like, make butter and stuff? - I'm supposed to be the laundry wench when I - Really? Really? - I'm not making Laundry wench? I could not make this up.
This is real.
This is true.
She never had to do laundry, ma'am, no.
All she had to do was leavethe Elmo Sippy cup at the house And not bring it out for my two-year-old, And we'd have been just fine.
- We didn't have Sippycups back then, is that it? At least not with Elmo on it.
- What'd the two-year-old do? - Well, he didn't - Even the two-year-oldwho wants a Sippy cup, And you're like, "that doesn't come"? Gotta have a mug.
A drinking vessel, that's what A drinking vessel? - He has a nice pewter mug, lead - Free pewter, by the way.
I'm looking out for him.
- he's two.
Drinking from a pewter mug.
- Yes! He can't even lift it! He's getting to play in a fort, Chase the other kids, hear cannons go off.
It is cool.
It's cool.
- 20 years from now, the kid's gonna be on the couch Saying, "I wanted Elmo, And my father gave me a pewter mug.
" Don't you understand where the disconnect is? - No, ma'am, I don't.
- Yeah.
See that? He didn't get it.
You know, Will, if you If you lose this thing right here, Would you feel really badly about giving up the tavern? Yes, sir, I would.
He would, Regis.
He really would.
His friends would be disappointed.
Oh, his friends would be sad.
All those crying soldiers.
that's right.
Something to think about.
All right, guys, I think we're gonna go Right to the call.
Tracy, husband or the wife? I'm leaning for my man.
I'm going with you, Will.
- Thank you, sir.
- Right? 'cause he got his little tavern.
You go, boy.
You ain't goin' to hooters.
You goin' right to the next room.
SoI don't see anything wrong with that.
You're in the house.
- Interesting.
- Yeah, you're notyou don't have your horse - Driven buggy Runnin' nobody over.
- Thank you.
You're welcome at the tavern any time.
- Right there in thehouse with your "tavern.
" I'm with you, Will.
What are you thinking, Susan? Well, I understand that point.
I think it's a very good point That Tracy has, that he's there.
However - Mm-hmm.
- If I was Melissa, I would I would be, uh You'd burn the tavern down? - I would be Lizzie Bordenwith an ax to that tavern.
I would have no patience for that tavern in my house.
Nor would I have the patience for the shoe lamp Or for the toilet paper on the antlers.
- Susie - Wife, wife, wife.
Wife, wife, wife, wife.
A little mouthy, but to the wife.
No one's ever accused me of that.
Regis, it comes down to you.
- But you know, she looks like such a happy woman, Content to have this wonderful guy with her.
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna go with him.
- Ohh! - Going with him! Ohh! Will wins! Congratulations.
Will is right, everybody! Now, we'll see you at the end of the show To see if you are the rightest of the night, And see if you win $25,000 And your very own modern billboard.
Thank you to the Kintons, everybody! And now we're off to Weston, Florida, To meet our next couple.
The Moldoffs.
Nice.
Very relaxing.
What we have, I thank God for.
In all honesty, um, we have fun.
I love Mark because he's a great husband.
He's a great father.
Our first date was may 1, 1965.
She was a knockout.
Body was a knockout.
I hope you have a good memory.
I do.
She's a beautiful person.
But she downplays her sexiness.
She just thinks that she's not sexy.
I'm 63 years old.
I like a little sexier look.
- Stop! - It's not soft.
It's gotta be soft.
- It is soft.
Stop it! I'm not finished! He'd like the Barbie doll look.
Perfect hair.
Why are you making it all wild? It was nice before.
- No.
Perfect, tight skirt and heels.
That's not me.
I love Marge, but Clothes, hair, nails, whatever.
I know what she should look like.
You look nice.
You do look nice.
- Well, thank you.
But I like um, the low cut in the front.
And here's a blouse that would That has all the I mean, it plunges.
Her breast isPerfect.
Are you out of your mind? This is perfect.
It fits you perfectly.
I like to see a little bit of the legs, Or a lot of the legs.
- You're getting old and you're losing it.
He's always been vain.
I happen to think that everybody Should try to look their best.
I exercise religiously.
I'm asking her to basically do what I do.
And that is to try to look your best all the time.
Look, "chic at every age.
" And then they go through here.
This is a perfect one.
Look at this.
Cindy Crawford.
Now sheshe's that's perfect.
That's the way your hair should be.
Maybe she wants my hair.
I don't think so.
How about Christine Baranski? Well, how about Marge Moldoff? This is everyday life! - We can make everydaylife just like a dream.
Just like a - Or a nightmare.
Aren't you tired? - No, never get tired.
Don't you just wanna give up? Nope.
So the issue here is, Should a wife have to constantly seduce her own husband? What do you think, panel? Well, I think he's crazy about her.
But he's kind of a nag.
- Yeah.
He's really on her all the time.
"why don't you do this? Why don't you do that?" If he really loves her, Why does he want to make her feel bad about herself? What do you mean? He's trying to make her feel bad.
She's a very attractive woman.
- Right.
You know, she's 63 years old.
She looks great to me.
He's trying to make her feel bad about herself.
- No, he's still play she's still sexy to him.
That'sthat's great! - Yeah, that is great.
- That is great, I agree.
He's still got eyes for her.
She don't wanna put out no more! Gotta still put out! But she is.
She's an attractive woman.
They met in '65, And he's still going at her like a wolf.
Come on! Then why is what she is not enough? Why is he trying to change her at this point? - He's notwell, he just wants her to improve.
He remembers what she looked like 42 years ago - Yeah.
- Regis - And he still see that.
I admit, he's a nag.
He should He shouldhe should approach her In a dif more subtle way.
II I think he's mean.
- And he's ha-cha-cha.
Look at the chain.
But he's being insensitive.
- He's still ha-cha-cha.
He ready to go to Vegas.
She wanna go to sleep.
I think he's the only man in America That owns the thighmaster.
- That's right.
- He's got the thighmaster.
- It's really a ladies' thing.
Then he had the ab roller.
- I think he's he's not going about it I think Regis is correct.
He could be much more subtle.
He could be kinder to her.
Well, I have three words For why this guy is the way he is.
- Yeah.
- LittleBluePill.
Yeah, hello.
Right? It changes you.
It's made him into a 17-year-old boy.
- He popped 'em like m&ms.
- Yeah.
Maybe, you know, he's got some music.
He got his music on.
He got the doobie brothersplaying right there.
- right.
- You know, and it's soothing.
He's got all his trophies behind him.
Yeah, his trophy.
- He's just got to calm it down a little bit.
But he is telling her he loves her.
And, you know, he He loves her, but she's gotta change.
"I le you and them varicose veins.
" I think he's making her feel bad, And I think he's going about it like a sledgehammer.
I think he's got - A little too aggressive? I mean, you do make a point, Susie.
I mean, how much more does he really want? She's naked, liquored up in a hot tub, midday.
She's a lucky woman, the way I see it.
- And them bubbles ain't just from thethe spa.
Them bubbles come They'reshe blew them bubbles.
Can you imagine? He does seem a little delusional.
Can you imagine what he sees When he looks in the mirror? Can you imagine what he in his eyes - He sees me? Oh, my God.
- When we come back, We're gonna have the Moldoffs Right here in our studio, And our panel Will make the call.
All right.
We're back with our panel And Mark and Marge Moldoff.
Good to see you guys.
- Hello, panel.
- Great to be here.
- You look nice.
- Well, thank you.
How do you think she looks? She's gorgeous, always.
- See, he cares, Susie.
- I do.
Now, Markgo ahead, Reg, go ahead.
- I think you're very still much in love, aren't you? - I love this woman.
- Absolutely, and Forever.
And all you're trying to do Is make her even more lovable and adorable.
Right? - You get it.
You get it.
You get it! You know what? I don't get it, Mark.
It's not fair.
- Your love is on ten all day long for that woman! - There you go.
- Right? - Yes.
- But, Mark, Why is what she is not good enough for you? She's a beautiful woman.
- She's beautiful.
She's gorgeous, and yet all you do Seem to do is criticize her And want her to feel bad about herself.
It's not criticism.
- Is that true, Marge? Is that how you feel? - I - I don't feel bad about myself.
What he wants me to do - Right.
- You know, all these new hairstyles that come out, I can't get them done.
- Right.
Because he doesn'tI for 42 years, I've had to wear my hair a certain way.
And, you know what? Living in Florida With the humidity, It's a real pain in the neck.
You get carpal tunnel.
Susie, if you tried your hair straight And more soft It would look really good.
Get him! Get him! Don't even go there.
- Regis, joy joy wears her hair straight.
- She can do whatever she wants.
He loves her.
I wear my hair straight sometimes.
I wear it the way I want to, Not the way my husband tells me to wear it.
The nagging, it's the nagging.
You want the nagging to stop.
- Correct.
- And you don't see it as nagging, you seeing - It's not nagging.
- Asas help.
Do you feel loved by him? - Absolutely.
- All right.
- Do you think - Marge, Marge.
Let me ask you this.
If you were to critique him, What would you say are his small faults? - I like where you're going.
- We don't have enough time.
We only have an hour show.
- Really, huh? - Yes.
I - Ium, a little bit vain.
Not a lot, but a little.
But, I mean, himI, duh, ugh.
Oh, he's ridiculous with the vanity.
- Thank you.
- But, Mark But, Mark, you want her to dress lower cut.
She wants to dress age appropriately.
She wants to dress You know, she looks fantastic for her age.
She looks gorgeous now! - She does.
- You have to be comfortable in your skin.
You can't go out and not be comfortable.
- But he look good, too, man.
That's my boy.
He looks good too.
He looks fine.
- Use the thighmaster! - Thighmaster up.
- But why do you think he looks good, Tracy? - His thighs be burning in there; he work out.
- Usually it's the woman thatsends away for the thighmaster.
- I use it.
- She uses it.
- Oh, you do use it? - Yeah.
- But then you sneak in and grab it yourself.
- Every so often, I gotta work out, do what I can.
- 'cause they got thenew shakemaster, the Right? Give her the shakemaster? Give her the shakemaster.
- Put the red dress on,take the shakemaster.
Now you're talking! Now you're talking.
He's a beast.
All right, so You are a beast! All right, it's time to make the call.
Regis, husband or the wife? - 42 years of marriage.
They love each other very much.
Uh, but I know that, uh, The nagging thing can be a problem.
And I think he has to lower the tone on that one.
So So I'm gonna give it to the wife.
- The wife.
- Reg I love you! I love you.
Oh, I'm so disappointed.
Tracy Morgan.
Tracy Morgan.
Which way are you gonna go? - I-I-I'm, you know, She's beautiful.
That's a beautiful woman right there, And you don't gotta You don't have to donothin' with that, man.
You good 42 years.
She's good, man.
I'm going with the wife.
Going for the wife.
Oh! Oh! Thank you.
- Susie You know, you're very lucky.
You're very lucky to have this long-term relationship And to have each other and to both be in great shape.
And you need, Mark, To just accept your gorgeous wife For who she is, 'cause she wants to be loved for who she is.
This is who Marge is.
And she has inner and outer beauty.
And I am goin' with her, baby.
- That's it! - Yes, yes, yes! Congratulations.
You win.
You are right.
- I knew it.
You are right.
And we'll see you at the end of the show To see if you were the rightest of the night And you'll get $25,000 and your own billboard.
And that $25,000, You don't have to share with this guy at all.
- She won't.
- I can't do it on my own.
He's gotI'll give him a throw him a - He'll want her to get a Brazilian blowout With the $25,000.
Thank you to the Moldoffs, everybody.
Thank you so much.
OkayWe have to take a break.
But before we go, You know, couples are always sending us submissions To try and get on the show, And we put them in three piles.
"you're on the show.
" "you may be on the show.
" And, "you know what? You're on your own.
" Here are some of those.
- We met July 10th, and we married July 27th.
Because he had a nice tush, And the Bible says it's better to marry Than to burn in hell with passion, And I could not wait.
- I never wanted to do the electric slide.
I'm a don Cornelius guy.
What is that? WhatlsThat? That's right.
I can't help but build.
I've got to keep building.
I want to build a a guest cabin.
I want to build a weight room.
I want to build a a glass church.
I want to build a big car.
I want to build a a clock tower.
I want to build a outdoor amphitheater, also.
Stick around.
More fighting after this.
Coming up, Everyone's talking about the good-good.
- Uhh to the good-good.
- Uhh to the good-good.
- You ever did the good-good? - Happy with the good-good? But only Kiki Simpson Knows what it really means.
Make me feel good, make me look good, And make me give you the good-good.
I'm with you! Find out nextwhen the Marriage Ref returns.
Welcome back to the Marriage Ref.
Now let's go to Brooklyn, new York, And meet the Simpsons.
I was carrying some bags, And he offered to carry them for me.
I said, "hello.
" and then it was over.
I'm easy to fall in love with.
- It wasn't that he was good - Looking.
It was his feet.
That's really what it was.
He had nice teeth and the big feet.
I have approximately 300 ponytails.
Ponytails are a lifestyle to me.
I might buy three, four ponytails in a week.
What about this one? That one, I have that one already.
The money she spends on that stuff, I can send people to college.
I didn't know it was getting out of hand at first.
And then I bumped into the bag.
That's when I knew there was a problem.
- This is one of my many bags of ponytails.
There's curly, there's straight, There's long, extra long.
We can go on forever.
And then what happens is, These things kind ofshed like a Pomeranian.
Man, I don't want to go through life With hair all over the place.
I do it to keep my husband.
He has different women approaching him all the time.
So I become those different women.
Venom is very seductive.
This is the one that's bringing out All that extra uhh to the good-good.
Kiki, which is fun.
I feel like getting my dance on.
Sasha, the one that Will just do her thing.
So I could, like, just swing it around As I'm dancing.
If I have three different moods in one day, They can go from a venomto a Kiki to a dyisha To a diamond.
When he comes home, You don't know who you gonna meet.
- Do you think it's excessive to have, like, 200 of these things? - No, because how many pair of drawers do you have? Well, that's a necessity.
Those are not a necessity.
You have hair! - This is a necessity.
- You know that you was liking this the other night.
- No, I like you.
- But your words were: "you look sexy in that ponytail right there, girl.
I'm-a tap that later on.
" - no, no, no.
- Yes, you did.
- First of all, when I wake up in the middle of the night, Sometimes you throw thisover the TV; I get scared.
- You a grown - Ass man.
You scared of a little hair on the nightstand? Ponytails are not gonna kill you.
Man up.
So the issue here is, Should anyone ever use the phrase, "bags of hair"? She's Sybil.
She's Sybil.
She has more personalities than I've ever seen In my entire life.
But does she really need 300? Can't she cut it down to ten, five, to two? Well, sometimes she doesn't know who She's gonna be.
Sometimes she needs a littleextra uhh to the good-good.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, but - Yeah! Yeah! - Right? Well, think of it this way, Tracy.
You got long, short, medium.
Straight, curly.
- Right.
- And maybe three or four different colors.
You multiply that, 25 at the most.
Right? 300 ponytails.
There's 365 days in a year.
- Good point.
- That's a different woman every time you come home.
They never bored.
I'm waitin' to see cookie.
She left one out.
Cookie! What do you think cookie's like? That's the Puerto Rican one.
- I think it's exciting.
She's working it out.
She's, like, keeping it fresh, she's - You gotta keep it fresh.
You gotta role play.
That's how you keep it going.
- I'm not against that, Tracy.
I agree with that.
I think you have to spicy and fresh.
What's wrong with 300 of 'em? - 'cause I think it's a little going overboard.
- With 300? - Yeah.
300 may get tricky, 'cause then you have to think, as the guy, Like, "do I have to keep all these 300 women happy?" - My head is spinning.
I don't know who she is.
- Anybody here recognize this guy, by the way? That's Chubb rock right there.
- Chubb rock, that's right.
Very good, Tracy.
- He's one of my favorite mcs.
- Ohh.
Chubb rock.
Look at that.
He was a, uh - And look, he changed his look.
Beard, no beard.
- He's a rapper.
- Now, does that change it at all for you, though? He's Chubb rock.
This is a guy that's in the clubs.
He's doing things.
Like she said, he A lot of women are coming up and approaching him.
- Uh-huh.
- She has a little more Motivation to keep things spiced up, right? He might like it freaky like that.
- Yeah, he metshe had a ponytail when they met.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, yeah, it's her thing.
I would be freaked out if If she had a ponytail when I met her, Then one morning we woke up and the ponytail Was still on the pillow.
- But that's - I'm would freak out.
- As a grown - Ass man, You're still scared of that.
- And she's got all these different names, Like, so does she become these different personalities? She does, she's a venom, she's a Kiki.
- A Sasha.
- Diamond.
We gotta ask him, though.
How much does that mean to him That she's a different woman every time she I wanna know who comin' here tonight! Which one is gonna show up tonight? That's good, that's good.
Why don't we do that? Hey! She's actually winking at you, Tracy.
- All right, I'm gonnawe're gonna bring 'em out.
And I want Chubb rock to defend himself.
And I want Kiki or venom or whoever shows up To defend herself.
We'll be right back with the Simpsons, right here.
The Simpsons! Welcome back.
The issue on the table is hair.
It's also on the bed, theTV, and the nightstand.
Say hello to the Simpsons, everybody.
Good to see you guys.
- Yeah.
You look great, both of you.
- Thank you.
- You look really good.
Who are you tonight? Tonight, I'm venom.
Ohh! Iyes! I was so hoping you would show up.
- I love the fact that she goes all out for him.
You know, that's your hair, baby.
You paid for it.
It's all good.
That's exactly what I do, because That's what it is.
It's for him.
You know, he's Chubb rock.
He's in the entertainment business.
He has a lot of groupies coming at him.
So I want him to know, Backstage, you got your number one groupie waiting for you.
There you go, baby.
So you never know who you gonna get.
You might get venom.
You might get diamond.
You might get Sasha.
She might drop it like it's hot when we get backstage Or to the hotel room, so you never know.
- Some women only just want to give you Ruby All day long.
- No, he not gettin' Ruby.
- How many See, you got venom tonight, baby! - That's right.
- I don't think - If he play his cards right, he'll get venom tonight.
See what I'm saying? I get venom every night.
- I like the fact that there's a choice there.
She's making different choices every day.
If he could have 300 different cars For 300 different occasions, He would do it! - If he could have 300 different old school cars, He would rock 300 different old school cars.
'cause that's his fetish.
We got kids in college, and - Fetish.
- You know, you got mortgages.
And these things cost money.
And you know what? And these things just $300 something Or whatever, times 300 You spent $400 on your iPad.
That was necessary! No, it wasn't.
- That was necessary.
- No, it wasn't.
The only $400 you need to be spending on apples Is apples in the refrigerator so we can lose some weight.
That's about it.
The only thing apple he has besides the green - Because I believe that jobs knows what he's doing.
It has nothing to do with the fact of Anything that's overcompensating on anything.
You spend your money on what you want.
I spend my money on what I want To make me feel good, make me look good, And make me give you the good-good.
That's ri I'm with you! I'm with you! - Kiki, how manyhow manyponytails do you have? Here we go.
I would say about 300, give or take.
- How 'bout 400? - KikiIs it too much to ask That we cut it down a little bit, because obviously Yes, it's too much to ask, Regis.
- Oh, come on.
- Yeah! There's 365 days in a year.
- Uh-huh.
- So look Yes, indeed.
I'm skipping about 65 ponytails, Give or take.
- That's right, 65.
- But it gets on his nerves.
You want the man to be happy, don't you? He's happy.
When he gets the good-good, he's happy.
- I love the good - Good! - You better go make you another platinum record! Me, I just don't think - You better tell him, Tracy.
Let him know.
Gotta hit the studio, brother.
- I don't think horses needto turn into Telly Savalas For my wife to - This is not horses.
This is a human hair.
Some lady in Indonesia, she helped me with this.
So this is a little bit more expensive Than the horse hair, boo.
- You ever did the good - Good with her, And then pulled the hair, and it came off? Yeah! Came off, wake up in the middle of the night, It's hanging on theTV, and there's lights, And it scared the hell out of you.
That's freaky! - That was an extra - Good night for you.
Don't front.
- Do you really think That if you didn't have 300 something ponytails, He would look at another woman? That it's because every night, he comes home To a different ponytail? That's why he's staying with you? Do you hear how ludicrous that sounds? It's not even about the ponytails.
It's about the different personalities That come behind the ponytails.
Well, that sounds mentally ill.
- Oh, she put it on, and it's like it's If you have one or two ponytails, Three ponytails, four, that's cool.
When you got into the hundreds - I'm a woman.
- I mean, there's an obsession.
An obsession must mean - What woman has one, two, three of anything? - We're talking about the funeral ponytail.
We're talking about The grieving ponytail.
- I like that.
- The bar mitzvah.
Theyou got one, uh, you know, Somebody's getting married ponytail.
- The pta ponytail.
- Yeah, the pta ponytail.
- You can't go to thepta ponytail with this.
No, venom can't go to the pta.
I think Chubb is right.
I think that it's a little crazy.
- All right, I think it's time to make the call.
Tracy You know I'm going with Ki! - You're going with Kiki? - Yeah.
One for the wife.
- I'm going with venom.
- Susie.
- I'm with Chubb.
You're going with Chubb? I'm with Chubb.
IKiki I understand a woman wanting to, you know, Please her man.
- Do you have one or two or three of just anything? - Plenty.
- You don't have a boot fetish? 'cause those boots are hot.
I think you've gone overboard.
I totally understand your point of view.
And I understand why you do what you do.
I just think you've taken it a step over the line.
That'sthat's what I think.
Pull back.
- Husband? - That's not gonna happen.
- Wife? Husband? - You know, but I'm really sorry to hear you say That it's not gonna happen.
Come on, the guy loves you.
You love him.
And I love him.
- I know, but do you really need the 300, is her point.
And I agree with that.
- Yes, I do.
- What? Come on, Kiki.
You don't need the 300.
- I do need the 300.
Women have come a long way.
I don't feel like my husband should dictate What I put on my head.
Ah, Regis, what do you think of that? - That's a different issue.
- Come on.
Husband or the wife, Regis? I'm gonna go with, uh, Kiki.
The wife? Going with the wife.
- She won't do it! He's gonna have to live with it.
Congratulations, Kiki.
And he's gonna be happy doing it.
- And he's gonna be happy with the good - Good.
Kiki wins, everybody.
Kiki wins.
A shocker.
A shocker.
You know what this means? - You need to shut up about my hair, okay? Now, Kiki, you know what this means.
You are now in the running for the $25,000 And your own billboard.
- Oh, shucks.
Oh, yeah.
I might buy you a apple something.
She'll go nuts with the ponytails.
- Stay right here, because when we come back, The audience is gonna choose who is the rightest.
Coming up, it's the stunning conclusion Of the Marriage Ref.
Who Will the audience pick to be the rightest? We gonna get naughty with a 40! Announcer; and find out whose face is on this billboard.
Next, on the Marriage Ref.
All right, we're here with Will, Who has an 18th century tavern in his house.
- I am not not marriedto George Washington.
I know, he would never have tolerated Such a mouthy wench.
It's weird and it's creepy.
It's disgusting.
$25,000.
This is real.
This is big money.
What would you do with it, Will? - I think I'd get a storage bin and put my wife in it.
Any extra, I'm gonna get some crowns on my teeth.
- get some crowns on your teeth with it? Yes, sir.
I think there's gonna be some wenches Showing up at your tavern.
okay, Marge, Whose husband wants her to dress like a Barbie doll.
He'd like the Barbie doll look.
Perfect hair.
Why are you making it all wild? It was nice before.
Perfect, tight skirt and heels.
That's not me.
- What about you, Marge? What are you thinking? I should get a perm, but, um I'm not gonna do that.
Well, divvy it up between the kids, And maybe I'll throw him a dollar or two.
Oh, really? I couldn't have done it without him.
I mean, let's be realistic.
Sounds to me like you're trying To work the audience over.
And Kiki, who wears 300 different ponytails For her husband.
They can go from a venom to a Kiki To a dyisha to a diamond.
When he comes home, You don't know who you gonna meet.
- What about you, Kiki? What do you think? Well, we have five children.
Two are in college, and one is about to go to college.
So that's gonna go towards their college tuition.
$25,000, that could pay for, like, A week of good college.
- Yeah, you know, some books and stuff like that.
Yeah.
- Okay.
Audience, this is your chance To decide who is the rightest.
Who put up with the most, battled the hardest, And deserves to win the $25,000 And their very own billboard In their hometown? Audience, please vote now.
What do you think? Wherewhich Who would you go for? - Well, I mean, I wish he could get his teeth.
And, uh, I hope he gets his teeth.
And, uh, I think Marge is, uh, worthy of another, You know, fixin' the hair.
But I think this over here, this story right here, With three kids going to college, I think that's Pretty important, yeah.
- That's a good thing.
I thinkI think Will, He got his eyes on a new musket.
Gonna go get that musket, right? Itit's a good suggestion.
I hear that, baby.
You don't want no crowns on your teeth.
You want that musket.
- I see Tracy and Will hanging out together.
- Yeah! - In the tavern.
I never would have picked that out, But I could see the two of you in that tavern.
Yeah, we ain't gonna drink no Michelob.
We gonna drink some olde English! - That sounds good.
- Ale.
Ale.
Get you some old gold, baby! We gonna get naughty with a 40! I voted only for Marge.
I didn't vote for Will or for Kiki.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
I voted for Melissa and for Chubb.
So I gotta think that I think she's a groupie.
A graa Chubb groupie? That's why I wear this, To try to keep you away from my man.
You know I think Marge is gonna win, Because I think Mark was a little bit mean.
Okay.
The votes are in.
And it's time to find out who Will be the rightest, The winner of $25,000 and their own billboard.
The rightest of the night is Marge Moldoff! [triumphant symphonic music] Marge Moldoff! You win $25,000! Congratulations, Marge Moldoff! Yes! Congratulations.
And here's what your billboard is going to say.
- I love it! - Oh, no! And we're gonna put it up Hopefully where you'll see it every day.
Oh, my God.
Okay, we'd like to thank our panel.
Tracy Morgan, Susie Essman, and Regis Philbin.
Yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes! I have a billboard that says I'm right! This'll go down in history! - All couples tonight Will receive a five - Night stay And beachfront accommodationsat breezes Rio Bueno in Jamaica.
Airfare furnished by orbitz.
Keep fighting, America.
We'll see you next week.