The Marriage Ref (2010) s02e03 Episode Script

Kathy Griffin, Ellen Pompeo, Brian Regan

We really don't know how to act.
We haven't thought about being married.
We haven't planned it.
I have little girls.
They're already thinking about being married.
It's insane.
When you were a little boy, Did you ever hang out with your guy friends? "let's play married.
"let's pretend I just came home from the store "and brought all the wrong stuff And you yell at me.
" Tonight, on the newest episode Of the marriage ref The star of her own Emmy-award-winning show, My life on the d-list, Kathy Griffin.
Don't even start.
Don't even go there.
The pride of the Peachtree state, Adam and Heather Matteson.
- So seeing that I helped pay for this business, I should have a say in where this goes.
One of our national comedy treasures, The hilarious Brian Regan.
All I can do is point at one of you.
Hey, I like you better.
The jewels of Easton, Pennsylvania, Al and Carolyn Ghignone.
Oh, I think that looks nice, don't you? Oh, shut up.
The star of the Emmy- award-WinnerGrey's anatomy, Ellen Pompeo.
- You're a wild girl.
You like the action.
The toast of Edison, New Jersey, Frank and Donna Pulgiano.
- All I want to do is just say hi to somebody.
- Do that on your time.
- This is my time.
Oh, my god, but I'm wit' you.
Now please welcome your host, Tom Papa.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Welcome to the marriage ref.
I'm Tom Papa.
You know, some shows have couples.
Some shows have people fighting.
Some shows have celebrities.
Well, guess what.
We have all of it.
Say hello to our celebrities, everybody.
Good to see you guys.
Thanks for coming.
You guys look great.
This is very nice.
- We're all dolled up.
We're all dressed up.
By the way, we are in what's called a "thrupple.
" - A thrupple? - Yeah, it's very trendy.
- And then we're gonna go to rehab with Lindsay Or any of the Lohans, really.
Is that confirmed, Brian? Uh, you can count me in.
Ellen, are you going to be okay with this thrupple thing? I think it's why I'm so thirsty.
- You're married, right? - Mm-hmm.
Right, to somebody else.
Today's my wedding anniversary.
It is? That's nice.
All right, well, we're gonna watch some couples argue, And then you guys are gonna decide who's right, The husband or the wife.
And then at the end of the night, The studio audience is gonna vote On which of our three finalists is the rightest of the night.
Yeah, and that person is gonna win $25,000 And their own billboard in their hometown Declaring they are right.
That's the best part.
That is really the best part.
It really is the best part.
All right, it's time to meet our first couple.
From Jasper, Georgia, Meet Adam and Heather Matteson.
We dated, what, was it six months? And then we decided to get married.
I had to explain to her That we were trying to be Christian And make her wait until after the wedding.
She thought I was sexy.
He thinks that romantic Is taking me out on the johnboat.
Sometimes I'll make a candlelit dinner, But she never seems to appreciate that.
He does not make a candlelit dinner.
- I do.
- When did I do.
Oh, with your wienie roast Out there over your burn barrel.
Heather seems to think that our front yard looks trashy, But it's not trash.
It's scrap metal.
I collect it and then recycle it And make money off of it.
We have a beautiful home, However, my front yard is not a yard.
It's a construction site.
Oh, my god.
What are you tripping over? Your crap! - It's not like I'm gonna go rent a building To store scrap metal in.
By the time I pay $40 a month, Then I won't be making anything off the scrap metal.
Do you like money? Yes, I do like money.
Do you like money? Well, then you should like this, Because this right here Is worth about 150 bucks.
I don't want my neighbors to come over, Have friends over because it embarrasses me, And I don't want my son to go out there And play in the front yard.
The neighbors will not even stop by here.
I don't care.
We live in the country, So their house looks like a trash hole, too.
This is not safe.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.
- It's sitting here minding it own dang business.
I tripped on the way over here.
Well, stay the hell up out of here.
- Seriously? - Problem solved.
You ain't got no business over here.
All these ladders.
- Do you hang gutters? - Do these even work? - Do you own a tool pouch? - That is broke.
- Do you own a tool pouch? - Do I own I own many That I have helped to pay for.
- Do you own a tool pouch that holds hammers and drills? I own many that I helped pay for.
So seeing that I helped pay for this business, I should have a say in where this goes, Period.
If she could get past the stubbornness, She would know It's a small price to pay to make money And keep up the lifestyle.
So the issue here is, At what point does a yard become a junkyard? - I have a question.
- Go ahead.
Do you have a tool pouch? Do you have a tool pouch? Do you have a tool pouch? - Well, do you mean, like, with a hammer How many times I gotta say it? Do you have a tool pouch? - I feel like none of us are allowed to talk 'cause we don't have tool pouches on.
That's the requirement to have a point of view.
What do you think? Would you put up with a yard like this? Absolutely not.
I think it's dreadful.
And she's a cute girl.
Go find somebody else.
Go find somebody else? - I think she should let him keep his scrap pile.
- We're not trying to break up the marriage.
We're trying to get 'em together.
Oh, life's too short.
Let him keep his crap pile.
He's very determined to keep that pile.
Two pieces of sheet metal, I'm hitting the bricks.
Why doesn't he take the sheet metal That's out there, the scrap metal, whatever, And build a shed And then put the rest into the shed? That's a good point.
- That's a good idea.
- I'm an innovator.
- A shed made of scrap metal is still gonna look terrible.
Well, it's not gonna look nice, But it's gonna look better than that.
True, true, true.
- Do they have to put it under the kid swinging on the tire, Seriously? That poor kid.
Did you see how she's trying To take back the yard, by the way? If you notice in the video, She has a chicken coop that she put there as retaliation.
I love the fact that there's a cue card For the rooster.
"what's my line? Ah, there it is.
" But now wait a minute, In his defense, This man has a business.
He's making money off this.
Up to date, he's made about $10,000 Off this little scrap metal thing.
No, I'm calling b.
On the business.
What do you mean? I'm keepin' it real.
Go ahead.
- I feel like this whole scrap metal thing Is sort of a trend, And I don't think it ever really gets the money That guys think it's gonna get, And it's disgusting, and it's not safe.
And it doesn't sound like a real job.
Like, does he have a real job and this is his weekend job? No, no, no, he has a gutter business.
He works with gutters, And this is the leftover from the gutter business.
- Can't he have, like, a scrap metal showroom That he builds? They live in the country.
He sits in a boat in the dirt for fun.
There's no showrooms.
"why don't they just build a nice showroom?" Get a showroom with some lights And the Kardashians can do the grand opening.
Yes, there should be a runway And there should be a mirror ball And a launch party.
It'll be fabulous.
I love how you guys think This is like cleaning up his room.
"all he has to do is just go to pier one, "get some of those wicker baskets.
We'll stuff it in there.
It'll be all nice.
" Right.
- All right, we're gonna take a quick break, So hold on to your metal chairs.
Adam Matteson is about to enter the studio.
Coming up next, Heather Matteson reveals her worst fear.
I expect him to start making moonshine.
We're gonna be the dukes of Hazzard at any moment.
And Kathy takes a stand.
- You just lost me, you condescending son of a bitch.
All of this and more on the marriage ref.
Welcome back to the marriage ref.
Is it okay to bring your work home with you And keep it piled up in your front yard? We're about to find out.
Please welcome Adam and Heather Matteson.
Good to see you guys.
You, too.
Thank you for having us.
Is this your first time in the city? - Absolutely.
- Really? Is it freaking you out staring at all our bridges? There's a lot of metal.
He used to it.
He's used to it.
It's ridiculous.
Our yard is a OSHA hazard.
Now, it is really that bad? Has anybody cut themselves? - Absolutely.
No one has cut themself.
He cuts himself all the time.
Here's the deal.
If it wasn't for the metal And the money made from the metal, There wouldn't be a house.
- Really? But I'm having to pay How we gonna pay for the house? For a tetanus shot every six months, Every time you cut your finger off.
I mean, what is that? Wait, now, that's a good question.
Ellen, you work at a fake hospital.
Is tetanus really a problem from that pile? - Absolutely.
- Yeah.
- And they're, I mean, tetanus shots, I think, Are given in the stomach.
It's not very pleasant.
They're only, like, ten bucks.
And then we have to pay for All that money really goes Into keeping up my fancy wife here.
- Oh, excuse me, I don't know if you saw the video or not, But do I look very fancy? No, I don't look fancy.
You're gorgeous, baby.
- I have to work out there in that cr no.
- He just got some points.
- Absolutely.
He's a charmer.
You two are very gorgeous, too.
Three, three, three.
Well, you're handsome as tom, But the point here is, I'm a businessman.
- Yes, you are.
And I'm trying to keep costs down.
We're in rough economic times here.
Even before the fall of the economy, Our yard has looked like this.
Every time I come home, I here the theme of Sanford and son.
So do I.
So do I, But that's 'cause we live in the country Off a dirt road.
She said, "oh, let's get this country house "'cause there's no H.
Dues, No homeowners' association " - Right.
- "so we don't have to worry about nothin'.
We can do whatever we want with our prop " Now I'm doing what I want with my property.
- Exactly what want to do, not what you no.
- I told you you could have the other side of the house.
How much did that cowboy hat cost? 40 bucks.
40 bucks? - But how much in metal? How much in metal? Like how many rods? - Eight tons.
- Yeah.
Well, every time I take the metal off, I get between 200 and 300 bucks.
Erdo you sell the metal? In the yard or you take it someplace? There's a scrapyard.
- Another guy has it in front of his house.
As a matter of fact, you're right.
My sister lives next door to us, And now her husband has started this insanity.
Because it's so lucrative.
- It's an epidem will you stop with the It's so lucrative.
- Our house, I expect him to start making moonshine.
We're gonna be the dukes of hazzard at any moment.
- Couldn't you make a deal with the scrapyard guy And say, "how about if I just use A little corner of your scrapyard?" You could take a small cut in the $10,000.
Maybe you can get 9.
- That's a cute idea, but, no, that won't work.
He did make a deal with the scrapyard.
- You just lost me, you condescending son of a bitch.
Listen, no.
It gets worse.
He took me for a date to the scrapyard.
He took you for a fool, honey.
Exactly, exactly.
- All right, I think we're ready to make the call, And I am going to start with you, Kathy, Because I have a feeling I know where you're headed.
- All right, I'm gonna side with the wife, Because you do deserve a normal yard.
- Okay, going for the wife.
- Sorry, handsome.
Brian? You are obviously an entrepreneur.
In fact, I saw Donald trump at one of his seminars, Getting some tips.
You know what you're doing.
You're making a living, good for you.
Guy to guy, I'm going with you.
Whoa! Going with Adam.
- Boo! - Going with Adam.
We have a tiebreaker going to Ellen Pompeo.
Come on, audience, all the ladies.
I'm not buying it.
I gotta go with the wife.
- Thank you.
- Ohh! - Oh, congratulations.
Oh, my god.
They decided that you were right.
Hang around.
We will see if you win $25,000, Or a metric ton of sheet metal, And your very own billboard in your hometown Declaring you are right.
A big round of applause for the Mattesons, everybody.
All right, right now, I'd like to introduce you To a couple from Palmer, Pennsylvania, Albert and Carolyn Ghignone.
He took me to my senior prom.
Actually, you know what, He looked a little bit like George Hamilton When he was younger.
I looked at the old pictures.
We were really good-looking.
We were on the dance floor.
He told me that he loved me, And I thought, hmm, he was the one.
- This house to date has cost me thousands of dollars.
I'm considering going to the bank And getting a mortgage on this thing, Because that's the kind of money That's being spent here.
- He knows that I truly, truly enjoy doing this, And I just think he should just go with the flow.
I'm living my life in my dollhouse.
This is my baby.
He thinks it's ridiculous The amount of money that I do spend on it.
You know, I figure $100, $200, I'll get the dollhouse, we'll take it home.
Come on.
This is a dollhouse.
I want hardwood floors, Wallpaper, Chandeliers.
- She says, "I have to get it electrified.
" What do you mean, electrified? I would like a harp, A fireplace, a grand piano, Lace curtains, a violin.
It's an expensive hobby.
Hey, but so is tennis, so is skiing, But that's not my bag.
This is my bag.
When I go to the dollhouse factory, The first thing that goes through my mind Is, "what am I doing here?" See this little couch? That thing alone is $160.
That's not bad.
Buy a real one for that.
Look at this doll.
$300 for her.
Oh, I like that chandelier.
- For $200.
The cost of these things are outrageous.
I don't care.
I'm enjoying it.
Oh, I think that looks nice, don't you? I don't want junk.
I want nice things in my home.
It's worth it.
The table's out.
- The table's out.
- Table's mine.
- I'm trying to fill the inside of the house.
I'd like to have this finished before I die.
Is it ever enough for you? We could have gotten the bedroom set.
So the issue here is Should you constantly renovate your house Even if you can't fit in it? What do you think, Brian? - You know what he should do? He should throw a pile of little scrap metal Out in front of that dollhouse.
Get 150 bucks, you could buy a little table.
Get a little guy in a cowboy hat.
Yeah, a guy out there, "hey.
" Cooking up little hot dogs.
- I am impressed, though, that she does the painting.
So she's actually, you know, Sort of saving some money, 'cause I saw her painting the porch Ish.
Whatever that's called.
And she has a point.
She isn't skiing or doing these other things.
- When she said other expensive hobbies like tennis, Isn't it a racket and a ball? I don't know how How expensive that really is.
She doesn't know.
It's not her bag.
- I think a little racket would cost more.
- You gotta give her credit for knowing her bag.
A lot of people don't know their bags their whole life.
She knows her bag.
- She knows her bag.
- Yeah.
He is very uncomfortable.
When he says, I I just "what am I doing here?" Let's look at this again.
I mean, he really doesn't belong.
He's like he's like Godzilla in downtown Tokyo.
That cost us about 15,000 to make.
No, do you think this is overboard? I mean, there's Is she going too far Is really what we have to get to the heart of.
It depends on if they can afford it.
If they can afford it, then what does he care? But if they're, you know If he's really thinking about taking out a second mortgage On their real house, that's a problem.
You know, he was talking about getting The house electrified.
Who's gonna pay for that electrification bill? Which has to be a nickel a month.
Yeah, but when the tiny electric man Shows up at your door, You better have that nickel.
With his tiny tool pouch.
Tiny tool pouch.
How much longer can she fill the house? I mean, at some point, the house is gonna be full, And there's not gonna be any room for anything else, So I say he just waits it out.
Well, then she'll upgrade it, And she'll be like, "well, my little tiny person Says she's not happy with the rug anymore.
" She wants a guest house and a pool.
- Yeah, they should just put it next to the bathtub.
"oh, now they're at the ocean.
" All right, we're gonna discuss all that after this.
Welcome back.
This is very exciting.
It's time to meet the life-sized Al and Carolyn Ghignone.
Please welcome the Ghignones everybody.
Wow, it's good to have you guys.
Thanks for being here.
- Thank you for having us.
- Thank you for inviting us.
- How do you feel about sitting in this big -boy chair? It's a pleasure.
Any renovations happen to your house? No, actually, the outside is complete, But now I'm working on the inside.
Now you're going inside.
Tom, you don't know the half of this.
What do you mean, there's more? - Let me give you some examples here, tom.
Ah, believe me, listen, She's a good wife.
She's a great mother.
- Loveable.
She deserves everything I buy her, But you gotta do it with a financially sound method.
- She wants money for the dollhouse, no problem.
We go down to the dollhouse, she looks at a chandelier.
The one you have in your house is less than that.
You got the real thing.
She wants the miniature.
First of all, tom, he's wrong.
I'm right.
- Tell me why.
- I've been married to this man for 44 years, And if he had to write a check For everything that I have done For the 44 years that we've been married Aha, good point.
He would drop dead of shock.
- That's a good point.
Doesn't she deserve it, Al? She absolutely deserves Whatever I can afford to give her, And that's the word "afford.
" "afford.
" You know, Obama made a big mistake.
- Uh-oh.
- He did.
He started this stimulus program.
All he had to do was give her a credit card, Two days, she would have had the economy rolling.
I'm telling you.
- I hope you're not having a foreclosure situation On your dollhouse.
No, not at all.
Not at all.
I have a question.
Now, Carolyn, is this your first dollhouse, Or do you have several that are done? No, no, no, this is the first dollhouse That I'm actually completing.
Was there a previous hobby? Many.
Now we're getting to it.
What were the previous hobbies? - Ask her about the dolls, 1,500, 2,000 Oh, see.
How many dolls? How many dolls? Quite a few.
- Quite a few? - Yes.
- Where are they, in other parts of the house? - Well, they were homeless until, thank god, She built them a house.
Now they have a place to live.
You name it, she collects it, But it makes her she seems so happy.
You seem like a very happy woman.
I am a happy person.
I don't golf - Right.
I don't play tennis, I don't go to the casinos, I don't go to bars.
I I build my house.
Do you ever get Russian hookers online? No.
Ellen? What about if Carolyn got a job At the dollhouse store? I tried.
She tried.
They turned you down? - What happened? - How did they turn you down? You're the expert.
Well, they simply said to me They didn't have enough business Until I got there to employ me.
I gotta admit these guys are artists.
He brought out a little couch he did In complete leather.
I didn't buy it.
No, that one, she didn't buy.
Good girl.
- But it's all leather.
- Yes.
Oh, yeah.
Better than the one you have, right.
- I like how you compare everything to what I have.
"that chandelier, that chair, It's all better than what you have.
" Like I'm living in a doll trailer.
Well, it seems like it really makes you happy.
I know this is gonna be a hard decision for them.
- I promised her, and I always keep my word, That this dollhouse will be finished.
Now, that's a lie.
I did promise you that.
You promised me that, but, ahem What? I don't know what just happened, but I'm nervous.
- Well, I've been waiting for 44 years to go to Hawaii, So what does that tell you? Oh, really? He travels around the world.
- You do? - Yes, he does.
He sees different places, he meets different people.
I travel the house.
I travel the supermarket.
This makes me happy.
I don't argue with that at all.
I believe she should have the hobby 'cause she's very artistic, by the way.
- Right.
- Um She painted the mailbox.
- You have to do it in a logical, rational way.
- Yes, I did.
- You painted the mailbox.
I mean, that is an artistic thing.
- All right, I think we're gonna have to make the call.
I know this isn't gonna be easy, But has Carolyn gone too far? Who is right, the husband or the wife? I'm gonna start with Ellen.
Okay, well, There's nothing rational or logical about artists.
And I'm sure you know, Because you look like a very smart man, You've been married for 44 years Because you've kept her happy.
- Uh -huh.
- So I think you know that a happy wife is a good wife.
All right, going with the wife.
Carolyn gets one.
- There is no way I can be as eloquent as Ellen.
She just did a haiku, and All I can do is point at one of you.
Yeah, I like you better.
That was beautiful.
I was crying over here.
Um, I think she should be able to do her Her dollhouse, so I'm voting for the doll.
- Voting for Carolyn.
- Thank you.
- Kathy? - Okay, So the question is, Is it a financial hardship or not? Oh.
Oh! Don't even start.
Don't even go there.
Okay, I pick the wife just based on that face alone.
Oh! No! - Congratulations.
Carolyn wins, everybody.
- Carolyn wins.
- You win.
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! And you know what that means.
You're now in the running for the $25,000 And your very own real-size billboard In your hometown declaring you were right.
- Okay.
- All right.
Congratulations and a big thank you To the Ghignones, everybody.
All right, we're gonna take a quick break.
When we come back, we got another couple In need of our help.
See you in a minute.
Coming up next, Family secrets are spilled.
Well Oh, god, please don't tell this story.
Tell it, tell it, tell it! And our panel makes a stunning reversal.
All right, I changed my vote.
All right, I'm with you then.
All will be revealed next On the marriage ref.
Let's meet our next couple.
From Edison, New Jersey, It's Frank and Donna Pulgiano.
We were friends first, And I actually set him up with my best friend at the time.
Yeah, she was with this, um, Muscle-head type person.
- Big muscle guy.
- Muscle muscle-head.
I took her away from all that stuff.
Swept you off your feet.
He made me smile.
Life was good when he was around.
I find people fascinating, All colors, all creeds, whatever.
I just like meeting people.
Hey, how you doin'? This is Dulce.
- Dulce? Yeah.
I'll talk to them about, you know, how their day was.
No coffee today? Nah, no coffee.
All right.
Just random acts of talking.
So is this peppers and onions sandwich? Off the grill.
- Yeah.
Oh, forget about it.
What's wrong with talking To a couple of different new people? - Frank goes down to this little convenience store Around the block.
What's up, baby? He's there every single day Multiple times a day.
Now it's become his social club.
What's goin' on? - Most people, when they go to a convenience store, Want to be in and out in three to five minutes.
If I send my husband, it's an hour.
- All you guys, you send all your money down south, To Puerto Rico, to Mexico.
Leave it here.
It's not normal.
If you go with him, You're sitting in the car a good half-hour.
What's up, baby? Hey, what's goin' on, bro? It's absolutely ridiculous.
He talks to these people about the craziest things.
This guy looks like Flava Flav With his, uh, big watch around his neck.
Look at him.
While I sit and I wait.
Where'd you find this guy at, mo? I waste five, six hours a week Waiting for Frank.
Frankie, you're forever making me late.
Hello! You know I'm sitting in the car wai'in' for you.
- I'm just talking to the guy for five minutes.
Just go in, get your freakin' coffee, Get out.
That's it.
That's all.
- All I want to do is just say hi to somebody.
- Do that on your time - This is my time.
Oh, my god, but I'm wit' you.
I'm wit' you sittin' here wai'in'.
You don't even know these people, And you're bull with them While I'm sitting here wai'in'! So what's wrong with that? These are my friends.
- They're not your friends.
You need a kidney, are any of these friends Gonna be there? I don't think so.
All right, so the issue here is, Is being friendly worth Keeping your wife "wai'in'.
" What do you think of this guy, Brian? - I always thought these convenience stores Were named like stop-n-go, Pack-n-run.
I've never seen one "stop, pitch a tent, Talk to some people.
" But he seems to have a good time.
- I gotta go grab some cigarettes at yap-it-up's.
Goin' up to stay-a-while's.
Kathy, you're a very friendly person.
- Yes, I like to talk to strangers as well, Although this couple fascinates me, Because say hello to Snooki and the situation In five years.
Right? There's a little like Jersey Shore Meets The Sopranos thing.
But, you know, I'm a talker, So so far I like that he's communicating, Although, obviously, he should be communicating With his wife, not the Flava Flav guy.
Yeah, that's the thing.
- Although, that was a good bit, I gotta say.
I might put that in the act.
- He does seem like a amateur stand -up comic Who can't get onstage, So he just stands there and does crowd work.
It's like his open cup night Like instead of open mike night, yeah.
- "hey, look at this guy shoppin' in his pajamas.
Hey, look at this guy.
" And you can see the people Sort of ditching him a little bit, Which is fun, too.
Yeah, if that guy was there every day, And that's where you went to get your juice every morning, Would you go to another store? Of course.
You wouldn't like that guy, I knew it.
- But then again I have to say, you know I mean, listen, there are worse things he could be doing.
The fact that he's talking to a guy With a limp who looks like Ben Stiller's dad, You know, I think there are worse things he could be doing.
Do you yap around? Uh, not as much as this guy.
And one thing I was impressed with him Was that he was bilingual.
When he threw the nuein there I was impressed.
- Exactly.
He could do this internationally.
He could do that anywhere.
That's right.
- You do understand, like, the wife's concern though.
Like, if you don't think this guy's too friendly, Just look look at the clip in the Look at the clip in the beginning Of the guy he was talking to.
Would you approach a giant father time If you didn't know him? - I do have a lot of questions for that gentleman, though.
That guy? I have to say, when I look at him, I want to know the where, the why, the how.
When is the barbershop appointment? I mean, he does elicit questions.
You know what's funny about this? When he leaves Frank Pulgiano, He was like, "that guy's a little weird.
" This might show us why he's running out of the house Talking to a bunch of people.
Let's watch this again.
While I sit and I wait.
While I'm sittin' in the car wai'in' for you.
Sittin' here wai'in', While I'm sittin' here wai'in'.
So what's wrong with that? - Is she talking about a weigh -in? He's just looking for somebody That uses "t"s and "g"s when they talk.
I can't help it.
I love her.
I love her.
I'm all-in with her.
I do, too.
I love the accent, love the glasses.
I love the honking.
I can't help it, I like her.
- So are you kind of leaning towards her at this moment? Do you think that she's right That he's talking to too many people? - No.
- No? - No.
- You think that maybe he is.
'cause he probably talked that much When she married him.
She probably, you know - I'm sure he chatted it up when they first met, And that's how all the love happened.
Yeah, and people don't change.
And did they meet at a gas station With a candy section? People tell you who they are When you first meet them.
All right, that means I gotta go.
All right, we're gonna take a quick break.
When we come back, We're gonna make Frank really happy By talking to him right here.
We'll be right back.
Okay, we're back.
We're about to meet someone who loves to meet people And someone who's sick of it.
Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you the Pulgianos.
Ah, good to see you guys.
- Thank you.
- Welcome to our little show.
- Thanks.
- Did you meet a lot of people backstage, Frank? Uh, yeah.
- There's, like, 500 people that work for this show.
- There's a lot of people that work on this show.
Seriously, was he talking to a lot of people? - Everybody.
He talked to the security guard downstairs.
I asked him the age of the building Because of the architecture up front, you know.
Really? How old is it? - He doesn't know.
- He doesn't know? I'm sure there's someone that does, though.
- He told me where to go.
- Yeah? Now, what we saw was He's at the convenience store and he's slowing you down, But does this happen everywhere you go? Everywhere and anywhere.
- Everywhere you go.
- Everywhere and anywhere.
- You're like, "let's go.
" - "Let's go.
" Except for, like, when we're out with friends, Then he's a mute.
- What do you mean? - Or in the DMV.
Wait, I mean You gotta draw the line somewhere.
- Will not talk to anybody in the DMV, not at all.
How often do you go to the DMV? Once a year.
When he's in a mood Where he doesn't want to talk to anybody, He goes to the DMV.
- There you go.
What do you mean, He doesn't talk to his real friends? Like your friends? - No.
If we have, like, a dinner party or whatever Frank's like - Why? - Nicely.
I know them already.
It's so boring.
Well, I mean, what are they gonna tell me That I don't already know about them? Except how good the food is, And I already know 'cause I cooked it.
I mean, come on.
- So this is an information - gathering activity for you.
Yes, yes.
You're learning all the time.
It's a conquest thing for him.
Do these people become friends? Has he ever taken someone from the mall Or the convenience store and been like, "hey!" They show up at the house.
- What do you mean? - Well Oh, god, please don't tell this story.
No, go ahead.
Tell it, tell it, tell it.
- Okay, so the night before easter, he says to me, "I have a friend.
"this friend's gonna come to your mother's house With us tomorrow for easter dinner.
" So because one person came to dinner Right.
- Anybody that I talk to thinks it's gonna be A catastrophe or something like that.
What about the homeless guy That wanted to go to the car auction with you? On a Saturday, there's a knock on the door.
That's George.
George is nice.
He's showing up, "is your husband home? I want to know if he wants to go to the car auction.
" Who does that? It's funny how you'll be like, talk To people from car auctions, but DMV, no way.
I'm in and out of there.
That's it.
I don't care what they have to say.
I just don't.
I have to ask you.
Would you be bored if he didn't do this? If he was quiet all the time, Pretend it's at the DMV all the time, And he never says anything, And he's quiet as a mouse - Good question.
- You'd be asleep.
No, 'cause you know what it is.
Everything in moderation.
Don't make me sit in the car for an hour and half While you make new friends.
It's not an hour and a half.
But, Donna, I know you.
Look at you.
You're a wild girl.
You like the action.
Should have seen her back in the day.
You kidding me? - Shut up.
See, you wouldn't be able to do that If he wasn't talking.
- And she sometimes is the topic of conversation With the people I don't know, Because they don't know her.
So she could be somebody That I just fantasize about, you know.
What? - How would you slip that into the conversation? "I noticed you picked the number seven "on the lottery ticket.
It reminds me of my wife.
" - That would be an eight.
That would be an eight.
An eight.
All right, let's make the call.
I will start with Brian.
- I feel like I'm supposed to be taking the guy's side.
We got a kinship here.
I love the fact that you love to talk to people.
I think that's absolutely wonderful.
I would not think it's cool, though, While she's waiting in the car.
If you wanted to go up there on your own, yes.
But you know what, I invite her in.
I say, "come in with me.
" All right, I change my vote! - Come in with me.
- I'm with you then! Meanwhile wait a minute.
You changed your vote? You were on my side.
I'm easy.
I always ask you to come in.
"no, I don't want to come there and meet those people.
" - Meanwhile, my kids are standing in the rain Waiting at school.
Oh! Kids standing in the rain! Oh, my goodness! Don't say that! I'd never mistreat my children.
There's nothing grosser than wet kids.
Okay, Brian, are you serious? - If he is inviting her in and she's choosing not to, Then I think it would be cool.
Going with the husband.
Okay, Kathy? Well, I'm torn between I love a guy who communicates, But what I don't like Is that he's not communicating with you.
Amen, sister.
So And, um, the wet kids got me.
And by the way, I'm not even sure You didn't make that up.
Though I think you may have made that up, it still got me.
So I'm gonna side with the wife, Only because I love that you're a talker, But she probably would like You to direct that toward her.
Ellen, husband or the wife? I think I'm Donna's biggest fan.
I think she's gorgeous and fun and everything, But, um - Oh! I have to side with Frank.
- All right, well, congratulations, Frank, You are right.
- High -five.
- We'll see you at the end of the show, Frankie, And see if you win the $25,000 And your very own billboard.
Thank the Pulgianos, everybody.
Get your popcorn and grab the kids, 'cause when we come back, the audience will decide Who is the rightest of the right.
We'll be right back.
Next up on the marriage ref, It's sudden death, As our finalists fight for their lives.
- Wow, breaking out the "I might die" card.
And the audience decides Who is the rightest of the right.
- The results are in, and it's time to find out Who will be the rightest.
Just wait until you see The winner's actual billboard.
Who will it be? Find out next.
- All right, we're back with tonight's finalists, And they're all hoping to be the rightest of the right And the winner of $25,000 And their very own billboard.
In a moment, our studio audience Will decide which of these three people is the rightest, But before they vote, here's a quick reminder Of the arguments they won tonight.
Frank Pulgiano and the making friends campaign.
You don't even know these people, And you're bull with them While I'm sittin' here wai'in'.
- These are my friends.
- They're not your friends.
You need a kidney, Are any of these friends gonna be there? I don't think so.
Frank, why are you the rightest? - I'm the rightest because my facts are true About meeting new people, Learning about what it is that they do, And just getting back to the basics Of talking to people.
- I like how you turned into a lawyer for minute there.
Heather Matteson with the home office In the front yard.
Do you like money? - Yes, I do like money.
- Do you like money? Well, then you should like this, Because this right here is worth about 150 bucks.
Heather, why are you the rightest? Uh, a child should have a front yard To grow up in and play, period.
Playing the child card.
Very clever.
Heather Matteson.
And Carolyn Ghignone with the tiny second home.
When I go to the dollhouse factory, The first thing that goes through my mind is, "what am I doing here?" - Carolyn Ghignone, why are you the rightest? Well, I think because I've waited a long time for this.
I finally got my house, I want to finish it, like I said, before I die.
- Wow, breaking out the "I might die" card.
Very clever.
Three marriage veterans here.
These are three people that have won A lot of arguments in their life.
You are here for a reason.
All right, audience, please vote now On who you think is the rightest.
Now while they're voting, I would like to hear from you guys On who you're rooting for.
Ellen? - Oh, goodness.
I'm rooting for Carolyn, Because I want her to go to Hawaii.
You want her to go to Hawaii? I want her to take the cash prize money And be able to go to Hawaii.
- Oh! I thought if she wins the money, It's gonna be all chandeliers.
Brian? - Uh, I can't remember who I voted for before.
So that's kind of embarrassing.
But, uh, I'm gonna go with Frank, And I think I voted against you last time, And I don't want you to beat me up afterwards, So I'm voting for you now.
- Going for Frank 'cause he might get beat up.
Who are you rooting for, Kathy? I conveniently am rooting for Heather, Because I just don't think You should have to live in that chaos, And I think it's chaotic for the kid, And, see, I'm doing this 'cause I want to Go over there and clean it tomorrow.
So can I come over? I want to come over tomorrow.
I'll help you.
We'll get a truck, And we'll get a couple of guys, And it'll be outta there.
- Awesome.
Okay, the results are in, And it's time to find out Who will be the rightest.
In third place with the fewest votes, Not the winner of $25,000 Or their own billboard, Frank Pulgiano.
Give him a round of applause, 'cause he's not getting anything else.
Thank you, Frankie.
Oh, ladies.
Am I gonna do the hula? We're down to Heather Matteson And Carolyn Ghignone, The final two and the rightest of the right Is Heather Matteson! Come on out, Mr.
You win $25,000.
Now, hold on.
Hold on now, Adam.
There's only one way we can make this official.
And I gotta hear you say it.
Take Heather's hand And let's hear you say it.
You were right? Congratulations, And here's what your billboard is gonna look like.
We'd like to thank our panel, Kathy Griffin, Ellen Pompeo, and Brian Regan.
Whoo! I love my billboard! "Heather Matteson is right!" You can't believe everything you read.
Honk! Honk! You suckers! I won! Yes! All couples tonight Will receive a seven-night stay in an oceanfront room At the beautiful turtle bay resort, Hawaii.
Keep fighting, America.
We'll see you next week.
Good night.

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