The Marriage Ref (2010) s02e07 Episode Script

Cedric the Entertainer, Rachel Dratch, Joel Mchale

You should get married immediately.
You get married, you win, she loses.
She has to be with a man, that bad.
That's why we get married in the first place.
We tried living with men ourselves, it's awful.
It's bad.
You get out of school, I'm gonna live with my friends, it's gonna be great! We're not gonna get married.
These are your friends.
They steal your money, your booze, sleep with your women.
It's like living with pirates.
It's awful! Tonight on the new and improved Marriage Ref big time movie star and original King of comedy Cedric The Entertainer I will thank you, you betcha.
From Apache Junction, Arizona, Dan and Donna Winslow.
- How many pair of earrings you got? - I do't know, I don't count my stuff.
You have 1,400.
- You know her and love her from Saturday Night Live and 30 Rock, Rachel Dratch.
- Whoo! Come over! - Representing the great state of Utah, Kurt and Wendy Green.
- Wendy probably sends about 1,000 cards a year.
[Cheers and applause] - Star of The Soup and the hit show Community, Joel McHale.
- Ugh! Why did you bring them into this world? - All the way from Branford, Connecticut, Michael and Bernadette Daniele.
- That's insane, what you're doing.
You need to get a hobby.
That's not normal.
- And now, welcome your host, Tom Papa.
[Cheers and applause] - Thank you.
Welcome to The Marriage Ref.
I'm Tom Papa.
On this show we have people fighting.
Then we ask celebrities to decide who's right.
Just like they do it at the supreme court.
Say hello to our celebrities, everybody.
[Cheers and applause] Thank you, guys.
Good to see you.
- Good to see you, Tom.
- Rachel - Yes? - Good to have you.
- Thank you.
- Remind me, how long have you been married? - I'm not married.
- Oh, you're not married.
- No.
- Oh.
Are you dating? - Um, yeah.
I actually have a baby.
- You have a baby? - Yeah.
- Nice.
- With someone who I'm dating.
[Laughter] - How old's the baby? - Two months.
- Two months? Oh, my lord.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
That's amazing.
- Ooh.
She got a baby daddy.
[Laughter] Rachel got a baby daddy.
- What about you? What's your situation? You got kids? - I'm married.
I have three kids.
- How long you been married? - I've been married 11 years.
- 11 years? - 11 years.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
[Cheers and applause] You see how long that took to get applause? - Oh, they don't really care.
- Nobody really cares anymore.
Like, 11All right.
You know what, that's worthy.
- They're more excited about the baby daddy.
- Yeah, exactly.
It's great.
- Joel, I've met your wife.
- Yes, you have.
- Yeah, she's very attractive.
- Yes, she is.
- How long you been with her? - I'm gonna punch you.
Uh, we've been with each other for 16 years.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
And we've been married for 14.
- For 14.
- SoHa ha ha ha.
[Cheers and applause] - It's almost as the number goes higher, the less the audience is into it.
- Less applause.
It's like-- - big deal.
- All right, this is what we're gonna do tonight.
We're gonna watch some married couples.
They're gonna have arguments, and then we are gonna decide who is right, and who is wrong.
- The guy.
- And you three will make the call.
- Sorry.
- You will make the call, all right? You don't have to help them.
It's not that kind of a show.
- Okay.
- All right? And at the end of the show, our studio audience is gonna vote on which of tonight's three winners is the rightest.
And whoever's the rightest gets a check for $25,000, and a billboard in their hometown declaring they are right.
[Cheers and applause] All right, now that we're all caught up, let's meet our first couple the Winslows, in Apache Junction, Arizona.
[Playful music] - We've known each other for about 40 years.
We met because of my work and her work.
- I was the boss' daughter.
And I wasn't supposed to be having nothing to do with him.
He's redneck.
I like to think of myself as being uptown, you know.
When he come in the office there wasn't sparks my part.
- Well, there wasn't to begin with with you - [Laughs] - But it just worked itself out.
- It did.
- This is my closet.
My white tops are here, red I love fancy sweatshirts.
.
- She cannot come out of a store without buying something.
Why would I go to a store if I wasn't going to buy something? - You got clothes in there, you don't even know where they are or what they are.
- I wonder what it is.
- I think if you Haven't wore something in six months, you should get rid of it.
- I have one walk-in closet.
Isn't that pretty? - Yeah.
I have another full closet, and I have five racks in that bedroom.
I have clothes in the container in the garage.
My sweaters for the winter and things are not even out.
- Out here, you don't need a lot of clothes.
I probably have about 15 to 17 pair of shorts.
My wife changes Twice today.
- [Laughs] - Sometimes three times, if we're going out at night.
- I like to try to stay with the style as best I can.
I probably am a little more blingy Than some of my friends.
Bling.
Bling.
- 102 pair.
- You counted 'em again? - One, two, three, four I've always been pretty good with numbers.
That causes me to want to count things.
16, 17, 18 When I get the occasion, and Donna's not home, I tend to do a little counting.
71, 72, 73 - Our first fight we had, you counted my shoes.
- And I've counted 'em again.
- Well, you-- - you've got 160-some pair.
- And I just got rid of 60 pair.
- And you just bought two new pair Friday! - So? - 90, 91, 92 - Danny, I can buy-- - those earrings you got on.
How many pair of earrings you got? - I don't know.
I don't count my stuff! - You got 1,400.
Most of the time, you're a pretty decent person and what have you.
But when it comes to these clothes, you're kinda out of line.
979899100 [Cheers and applause] So the issue here is should a married man have to live in the closet? Do you think that she's going too far? Is it-- - oh, no, she doesn't seem nuts at all! [Laughter] - But she seems so organized.
- Her shoes are airtight.
- I know.
- No oxygen will reach her shoes.
Great boots as well.
That's terrific.
That's for her glam-rock girl band.
[Laughter] Thank God she's labeled them.
- I like how she labeled "bubble blouses.
" - Yeah.
- I want to know, what is a bubble blouse? - It doesn't sound flattering.
- Or does it? - I think may be wearing the bubble blouse.
- Yeah.
Look at that, he's got two pinky rings--look at that.
- I love the player rings.
That's what I was saying.
He's so cool.
- Cedric, if you were gonna go shop with him, where would you start, sleeves or pants? - Oh, sleeves off the top.
- How good a shape do you have to be in to not wear sleeves? - He's feeling good about himself.
- I like him.
And he's good at counting.
- He is really good at counting.
- She's, like, three rollaway racks from being obsessive.
She's fine right now, but-- - you think she's fine right now? - If she gets, like, two more rollaway racks, I'm going, "you're crazy.
" - But were those-- were those racks in their own bedroom, or was that the spare bedroom? - I think it's the spare bedroom.
- Then it might be okay.
I don't know if she's gonna change.
- Are you nuts? This is-- - I don't know.
- She can't walk in the house.
Look at that.
- Well, it seems to me like she might have a bit of, like, a hoarding problem.
But she is the neatest hoarder I've ever seen.
- She also said she likes to stay with the styles and - Yes.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
[Laughter] - Well, she says she's very uptown.
- What town? - Apache creek.
- I know.
I wonder if that's what the Indians had in mind when they had Apache Junction.
- I'm actually kind of with her, you know.
And I love the fact that she's a little bling-blingy.
She's a-- she just like to be fly, man.
So I'm with her.
I'm, like-- - you're with her? - I'm with her, man.
- I would think that white people like this using the word "bling" would really bother you.
- It did.
I was a little concerned.
I was wondering if she had ever listened to cash money records at all, you know.
You know, I don't know, but I wonder if she's got a bedazzler.
[Laughter] - Yeah.
- She'd be, like, "you know what, this is so average" Tack, tack, tack, tack, tack - Bling! - No.
Apache junction won't know what's happening to 'em.
- But, Cedric, I've never seen you in the same thing twice.
- Right.
- Right? - Where do you keep all your clothes? - On rollaway [Laughter] - Just like that.
All right, I've just been told that a stretch golf cart has pulled up to the studio, and the Winslows are here.
We'll meet 'em right after this.
[Cheers and applause] - Coming up Things get a little spicy.
- Mexican train? - Yeah, how do you play Mexican train? - I hope it's not like that nudist camp all over again.
- Then Joel McHale gets really real.
- Just relax, you crazy person! - And later, our audience decides who will win $25,000 and their very own billboard.
- And the rightest of the right is - All right, welcome back to The Marriage Ref.
We're about to settle the age-old argument-- is it okay to turn your house into an outlet mall? Ladies and gentlemen, Dan and Donna Winslow.
[Cheers and applause] Thank you for being here, guys.
- Hi.
- You look great.
- Thank you.
- This is bling.
- Blingy.
- Cedric, impressed? - Very blingy.
- Gotta wear bling.
- I love that.
- Thank you.
- How do you feel being in sleeves? - I don't feel very good.
[Laughter] In fact, I don't like being in these long pants.
- I've not seen him look this good in a long time.
- We live in Arizona.
I don't wear long pants.
- Do you want him to dress more? - Sure.
- You do? - Oh, yeah.
- And now it's-- - once I retired-- it's retirement.
The good life.
- Have you ever heard of a nudist colony? [Laughter] - I'm a little bashful for that.
- Oh, that's not gonna happen.
- You've gotta admit she looks nice, though.
Like, the coordination with the earrings and the jewelry.
That's why she needs all that stuff.
- She should look nice.
Anybody with 460 blouses and tops, 1,400 pair of earrings - Is that the latest count? Is that the latest count? - 160-some pair of shoes - A girl can never have too many clothes.
And too much jewelry, too many shoes.
- I wonder-- - and it's my--it's my-- I'm not starving any children or anything.
- If you Haven't wore it within six months If you Haven't worn it in six months, you ought to get rid of it.
- What's the maximum amount of outfits you've ever worn in one day? - Ah, good question.
- Oh, probably about four.
- Oh, okay.
- Maybe five at the most.
We live in a retirement community.
- Right.
- Okay? - A lot happening.
- A lot happening.
So you might go from zumba to lunch to go play canasta or Mexican train.
You might go to dinner.
- Mexican train? - Yeah! - How do you play Mexican train? - It's a domino game.
- Oh, okay.
- Oh.
[Laughter] - It sounded like that nudist camp all over again.
- You do not want to be in the same outfit for zumba as Mexican train.
- Not happening.
[Laughter] - All right, we're finally gonna end this.
I think we're ready to make the call.
- Yeah.
- Who's right, the husband or the wife? - I don't know.
You do have everything very neatly organized.
- I do.
- And you seem to really dig your clothes.
I might have to vote with you.
- Oh, good! - Ymight? - I mean I am, I guess.
- Oh, good.
- I'll tell you right now, I've not got any friends here.
Is anybody in the audience my friend? [Cheers and applause] - Joel, are you-- are you Dan's friend? - They're--I mean, they're both nuts.
[Laughter] So I'm gonna go with Mr.
shorts, and-- no, please.
I don't want to see it.
- Yeah, please.
- I'm gonna go with Mr.
Winslow on this one.
She has too many clothes.
- Right.
Cedric, husband or the wife? - I mean, he made some valid points.
You know, I mean, I understand what you're saying.
But I am a person of fashion and style, and I am with you! - Oh, yeah! - Ah! - I'm with you.
Dress to impress at all times.
- Donna Winslow, our panel says that you are right.
[Cheers and applause] Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Sorry, Dan.
- Thank you.
Too bad! - Now, at the end of the show, we'll bring you back out and see if our audience thinks that you are the rightest, and the winner of $25,000, and your own billboard.
Thank the Winslows, everybody.
A big thank you for the Winslows.
[Cheers and applause] Now let's meet our next couple, the Danieles, in Branford, Connecticut.
- We met when we were in seventh grade? - Yeah.
- I knew she was the one.
She was a true person, and she wasn't one of those girls that was always running around.
- I knew in seventh grade I loved him.
There was just something about him I always liked.
We're still friends after 30 years.
- My family, they're completely wasteful.
[Sighs] The money I spend on groceries, I should be driving around in a brand new Mercedes every month.
I mean, I try to talk to them about it.
It doesn't seem to be working.
So I says, well, how am I gonna do this without getting crazy about it? So I started writing on things.
I Mark the paper towels where the dotted line is.
It says, "tear on the line.
" [Laughter] Certain things I'll write on-- when I bought it.
Just to prove a point to them.
- We call Mike the "food Nazi" because he checks on what we've eaten for the day, marks it.
- [Sighs] - I don't think we're wasteful.
I just think we're a family of seven.
We did use things, but we didn't waste them.
- How the heck can you use two pounds of grated cheese in a week? You can't.
- He hides our food-- especially our condiments and our cheeses.
He's just nuts.
[Laughs] It has gotten to the point with Mike's antics about the food that I don't even want to come home for dinner.
- Hi, hon.
- Hello.
- How many cheeses are you putting in the thing? - Three.
I'm gonna do a three-cheese.
- That's crazy.
- I shouldn't have to ask your permission, like I'm a little kid.
- 'Cause then you would waste everything.
- It's insane that you're writing on food! - No, it's insane that you people are wasteful.
- You need to get a hobby.
That's not normal.
- They think I'm nuts, but I don't see how I'm crazy.
[Laughter] [Cheers and applause] - So the issue here is does your mayonnaise deserve a hat? Panel? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, he's a little overboard.
I like it, though.
I like if ever, like, somebody, like, came-- like space shuttles came down, and, like, destroyed the earth, and their house was in the wreckage, he can be, like, "follow me! I know where there's ketchup!" You know, like, [straining] "I've gotta--I've gotta "Just let me get To the toolbox! I--I have Pickles in there!" - He's got stuff hidden all over the house.
- What if he accidentally-- when he goes back to get that mustard, what if he grabs paint thinner? [Laughter] It'd be a horrible, horrible hotdog.
[Laughter] - I do get the paper towel thing.
'Cause, like, I'm a conserver.
- You conserve.
That's why you voted for Mrs.
Winslow in the last segment? [Laughter] - Touche.
Touche.
- Nine racks of clothes.
- If he had a bubble blouse, would you vote for him? - Yes, I would.
I'm all about the bubble blouse, yes.
- At what point do you throw out the ketchup bottle? - I've never gone through a whole bottle.
I think I have one from, like, ten years ago.
- We still take packets from McDonald's and stuff, and just have it.
- You--you don't-- [laughter] - I don't even buy ketchup anymore.
- "You ordered a salad.
" "I'm gonna need more ketchup.
" - Gonna need a few more ketchups.
Thank you.
Thank you, sir.
- But are they wasting food? He just doesn't want them to eat cheese.
It seems like he grew up during, like, the great cheese famine that we didn't know about.
- It's obvious the man loves cheese.
- Cheese--cheese--cheese-- cheese--cheeses--cheese.
Cheese! [Laughter] - What I don't get, is the family really wasting it? Like, we didn't really see evidence of them wasting.
They're just eating.
- Obviously, when you see the size of that quesadilla that she's making It's enormous.
- It is huge.
- I mean, it's almost like she's just rubbing it in his face.
Like, "yeah, I'm using all the cheese! I'm using all the cheese.
" - They need to get some of those kids out the house.
I mean, somebody's gotta move.
- Yeah, be brought it on himself.
So what does he expect? - All right, when we come back, the Danieles are gonna be here in the studio.
So do yourself a favor and hide your condiments.
- And now, the world premiere of the Winslow remix! - I like to try to stay with the style- style.
St-st-st-style.
I like bling.
Bling.
Bling.
Bling.
[Hip-hop music] - yo, maYeah c'mon, c'mon, c'mon so I'm livin' livin' it up [Ding, ding] - I like bling, I like bling I like bling [Laughing] [Ding] Isn't that pretty? Yeah.
Yeah.
- Unh, c'mon - I like to think of myself as being uptown, you know.
I like bling.
[Ding] [Laughing] [Cheers and applause] - Ah, you've returned to The Marriage Ref.
We've seen their fight, now let's meet them in real life.
Michael and Bernadette Daniele, everybody.
[Cheers and applause] - Ah, thanks for being here, guys.
- Thanks for having us.
- You look great.
- Thank you.
- How long you guys been married? - 30 years.
- 30 years.
And how old's your oldest kid? - 29.
- 29.
So that's basically 30 years of nobody listening to you.
- Yeah, pretty much.
- I have little kids, and they're just starting to not listen to me.
And I know you are my future.
- Just remember that these kids are not little.
They're old.
I mean, 29, 26, 22.
- And they're still in the house? - Yeah.
- No, they all came back.
- They were out.
They came back.
- Oh, that's what made you snap.
- Yes.
- What was the incident that turned you into, like, "I'm gonna hide these in the garage"? Like, what happened? - That's a great question.
- Well, I started hiding it because when I'd go in the refrigerator, and I go, all right, wait a minute.
Why is there two of these open? There's two mayonnaise-- two huge jar of mayonnaise, two huge things of ketchup.
I mean, when you look on it, you see, like, four ounces of ketchup sitting in their plate - No! - That they didn't even-- - no! Those bastards! Oh, why did you bring them into this world? [Laughter] Ugh! - I figured out of sight, out of mind.
If it's gone, they figure there's no more left.
- You're like the angry easter bunny.
[Laughter] - Have you ever been looking for something else, and, like, just, "oh, where are my shoes?" And then just find ketchup? - Yes! - Well, I just started hiding it recently-- months-- you know, a year ago.
Pretty much.
I mean, they used to be in the cabinet.
- Oh, okay, well, that's different.
- The only reason he does this is because he pays for the food.
I pay for all the other household expenses.
The food is his thing that he has to pay for.
So he's, like, limiting - Now you're lying.
- What we could - Now you're lying.
- No, that is all you pay for.
And that's the only thing that he controls, so he is trying to control us on what we can eat, 'cause he bought it.
- Okay, I think we're ready to make the call.
Who is right, Cedric, husband or the wife? - You know, at first, when I saw it-- I saw him hide the mayo under the lampshade, I'm figuring Mike's lost it.
But you know, after listening to him explain-- and I'm with you, Mike.
I'm with you 100%.
- Aha! Thank you.
- I get it.
- I'm glad someone understands me.
- Wow.
Rachel? - You know what, I'm gonna vote with Bernadette.
But I do think you should go easy on your paper towels, ' cause they're - All right, so we have one for the husband, one for the wife.
Joel McHale Their destiny is in your hand.
Who is right, the husband or the wife? - After watching the package and hearing you, I definitely don't want to spend any time with you.
[Laughter] I just feel like, when the camera's turned off, and you're in the basement, there's just screams coming from down there, and there's just a lot of, "aha!" And, "another package open!" And, uh I think you need help.
And you need to let her buy the food, and you should just open a pack of chips and have one and throw it away and just-- just relax, you crazy person For once.
- So? - I am with Bernadette 1,000%.
- Bernadette.
Congratulations, Bernadette.
You were right.
Hang around till the end of the show.
See if you're the rightest of the night, and you could win $25,000 and your own billboard, telling everyone in your neighborhood that you are right.
- That I'm right! - Thank the Danieles, everybody.
A big round of applause for the Danieles.
Congratulations.
All right, we're gonna take a quick break.
But first We scour the country to find couples for our shows.
Some we like, some we just have to say, "you know what, you're on your own.
" [Cheers and applause] - He grabs my butt all the time.
- Tornadoes are exciting.
- He's, like, "the tornado, it just touched down at mockingbird and skillman.
" And I'm, like, going, "mockingbird and skillman? We're all gonna die!" - I'm sitting there, minding my own business, and you come in, and you put a banana in your mouth, and you start chewing it.
And then I have to hear your teeth going up and down, up and down, up and down.
Don't eat the banana around me! - All right, when we come back, we're gonna meet our final couple of the night.
[Cheers and applause] - Coming up, we meet our most controversial couple of the night.
- She's gonna have to really pull one out of her hat to convince me she's not out of her mind.
- You killed him with a knife! - Except embalming is really cool.
- Embalming is cool? All right, I'm trying to tell them you're not crazy.
Is she the rightest? Find out next.
- Welcome back to The Marriage Ref.
Let's go to Pleasant View, Utah, and meet Kurt and Wendy Green.
[Cheers and applause] - We met at the mall.
He had a girlfriend with a big butt.
I fell in love instantly.
He was gorgeous.
- She's smokin' hot.
- I never even thought, "should I get married?" Never a doubt I like to send greeting cards to friends, family, people that have been kind.
I'll go out of my way to be thankful and express gratitude.
Way out of her way.
- In this box, I try to keep a little bit of everything.
This is a "sorry you have a teenager" card.
- St.
Patrick's day card.
Get well card.
I have a veteran's day card in here.
Special events at church.
Mother's day.
Grandparents' day.
Christmas.
Babies.
Anything with a horse on it, I save for my friend Kelly.
- Wendy probably sends about 1,000 cards a year.
1,000 cards a year? That's a sickness.
Like, people will help her in the grocery store, so she'll try to track them down and write a thank you note - I can track down All kinds of people.
I do that too.
- "Thank you for a fun conversation.
" - It's not like we have fun conversations weekly.
" - And thank you notes for thank you notes.
- Once, a lady-- her dog died, and she was pretty upset about it.
So I just happened to have a "sorry for the loss of your pet" card.
Jade's card for being potty trained.
I'm mailing it.
- For being potty trained? - Yes.
- Are you finding the cards, and then finding the reason - Sometimes, yes.
This is where I keep all my notes.
Friends that I need to write to.
I just keep writing over.
Don't write on your body it's not good for it.
- Last year, I had two choices-- either go to a restaurant, or have a party.
I chose going to a restaurant because the bad thing about having a party is the thank you cards.
Usually, when I have invited six people, I end up writing a total of 12 cards.
I don't know why.
- I want the kids to develop the habit or writing thank you notes.
When do you say, "okay, now you're so-and-so age-- now is the time to start writing notes"? Start from birth.
Why not start straight out of the chute? - Oh, that deserves a little counseling.
- Thank you notes is her idea of fun, but it's like an asylum over here.
[Cheers and applause] - So the issue here is should we endorse the sport of ultimate card writing? Panel? - OhGod.
- Wow.
Well, I mean, in a way it's nice, 'cause you don't--no one mails things anymore.
So it's kind of nice that she's keeping up this tradition.
- [Chuckles] Yeah.
- Courteous.
I don't want to say anything nice about her, 'cause I don't want a thank you note, you know, later.
[Laughter] - She is so wild.
She is special right there.
She needs her own show.
"This fall, on the gratituder "Wendy will thank you.
You will be thanked! " The gratituder, on Wednesday! 'Here.
Thank you so much.
'" - I'm speechless, 'cause I don't know-- she's gonna have to really pull one out of her hat to convince me she's not out of her mind.
- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
- Wait a minute? - She has a card for that.
- All right, Tom.
- She's being too nice? Is that the thing that she's-- - I want to know, is she gonna have her arm with the marker on it for formal occasions, such as this? Is she gonna come out right now-- - yeah, if she's run into anybody, she's had to write-- - I'm gonna tell her, "look, you know what, everyone in this audience said you were terrific.
[Laughter] - No, I actually think that this woman is not doing a bad-- if you're gonna be a little nutty, why not be nice nutty? - Nice nutty.
That's true.
- She just sending love bombs all around.
- You know what, I do think it's nice what she's doing, but I feel bad for her kids to have that inflicted on them.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- I will admit I'm a little concerned about the kid.
- Yeah, look.
That's a fun time.
What do you think he's really writing? [Laughter] - I like the fact that she can track anybody down.
"Oh, I'll find you.
And I'll thank you.
"I can find people.
" - "You can run, but I will thank you.
" - "Oh, I will thank you.
You betcha.
" And the, like, the kids, like, from birth-- she was, like, "from birth.
" It's, like, really? Like, from birth? - No, she literally said "out of the chute.
" - Out of the chute.
"Hey, doc, thanks for that smack on the butt.
Thanks so much.
" "And for the guys who circumcised me, not so much.
" - All right, listen, she's doing it a lot.
But what's wrong with being nice? So what? She's sending out cards.
Who's getting hurt? - She needs to lower her carbon footprint right now.
- Yeah! - Whoa.
Interesting.
- It's also pretty hard on your tongue, licking all those stamps.
She probably has no taste buds left.
- No one licks stamps anymore.
You peel 'em off and put 'em on.
- Oh, yeah, that's true.
- You got me again, Papa.
- The envelopes! The envelopes! - Listen, we have to take a break.
[Laughter] But first, I've learned something tonight, and I need to share.
If it helps just one child, it will be worth it.
Remember, don't write on your body.
It's not good for it.
The more you know.
[Cheers and applause] We'll be right back.
[Cheers and applause] - All right, welcome back.
It's time to end the fight about extreme thoughtfulness.
Please welcome Kurt and Wendy Green.
[Cheers and applause] Wow.
Thank you for being here.
I see you've got your arm-- you've gotA lot-- - those are my notes.
- Can I see? I've nev-- I want to see up close.
Wow, that's a lot of people! - Does anyone ever think that's a tattoo? - They do many times.
- Okay.
- And then you're, like, "wow, that tattoo artist was blind.
" [Laughter] Or he was drunk or something.
"Done!" - I forget about it because it is my to-do list.
I can't lose this.
People say, "there's paper, you know.
" I lose paper.
I have six kids.
I lose things.
- How long you been doing this? - Many, many years.
- Really? - As long as I can remember.
Yeah.
- Did you do it right out of the chute? - My children have.
- I have a question.
When you guys were first getting together, did you know about this when you-- - how many notes did you receive as thank you while you were dating? - I get, like-- she writes about 1,000 a year, and I get, like - I write on the mirror for him all the time.
- Three.
Three or five a year.
- I write on the mirror.
Do you want more? - No.
- I know.
- Because then I'm obligated to return it.
- He's thanked in many great ways that he would not prefer thank you--well-- - wow.
- That didn't--that didn't-- - I think we're done here.
- Great.
Swaying Joel McHale.
Swaying Joel McHale.
- I didn't think it was possible.
- I'm a good wife in many ways.
- She has a little reminder of that right here.
- "Remember when I did that?" - I have to say, when you watch the video, it's like, wow, she might be a little wacky.
But you're not wacky.
You are a very centered person.
And you're just doing this incredibly nice thing.
What, do you think it's wacky? - He bought into it.
Hook, line, and sinker.
She goes through, like, emotional stuff.
- It's called kindness.
- "Oh, I did this thank you note, and the guy died the next day.
" - That happened a month ago.
- You sent a note to a dead person? - No.
I felt prompted to send a note for someone who took time to visit with me.
The very next message I got was that he passed away.
And that's how it goes.
I do send some for things people might deem silly, but I'm in funeral director school.
- What? - I always have read the obituaries.
Yeah.
- So you killed him with a knife! - I didn't.
- In fact, it's like-- it's like clue.
- The black widow of kindness.
- There's a note.
There's a note.
Wait a minute.
She killed him with a sharpie in the kitchen.
- Thank you so much! - I get it.
- So wait, funeral director school? - I am in funeral director school.
I've always read the obituaries.
And now, if I see someone I know, I will send a sympathy card to them.
- Oh, my gosh, they must just run screaming when they get that.
"Oh, no, I'm next!" - Oh - You know what job you should have when you get through funeral director school? Just standing at the front going, "thank you for coming.
Thank you for coming.
" - Except embalming is really cool.
- Embalming is cool? - It's a very cool process.
- I'm trying to tell them you're not crazy.
[Laughter] Stay with me.
- It's a cool process! - Stay with me.
- Look it up.
Look it up.
- I think we're ready to make the call here.
I think we have heard enough.
Who is right, Rachel, husband or the wife? - Okay, I'm gonna say Wendy is right.
- Rachel! - Yes.
- Thank you.
- Why, rach--? - I'm sorry, but it's because, yes, you might be extreme, but it's a nice-- you're extreme about something nice.
You're not hurting anyone.
You're actually probably making a lot of people's day.
Except for your day.
But - Oh, wait.
She wrote a thank you note to a friend for their conversation on the phone.
- It was a good one, and it was rare.
And I write while I'm watching tv.
It's not like I say, "kids, don't talk to me.
I'm writing my notes.
" It's while I'm doing other things.
- Good thing you said that because now the people getting the notes know that you really weren't paying attention to it.
"Thanks" - I can't do it all, Joel.
I can't do it all! - Joel, husband or the wife? - Well, Wendy, I thought you were nuts when I first saw-- especially when your eyes would get so wide.
I could see the whites of them.
And then I thought-- I was only gonna say I'm definitely with Kurt.
But then you said, "well, I satisfy you in other ways.
" And then, of course, being a guy, it was, like, "oh, I'm on her side now.
" - Thank you.
- Great.
Whatever.
To die for.
All great.
But as I think about it, um, yeah-- you'reJust crazy, and - Crazy nice.
Hello? - I mean, why do your kids have to write two notes for one party to the same-- - he is exaggerating.
- No, he's not.
- They do not.
They do one note.
- Your child was exaggerating? So you're saying your kid was a liar? - He was exagg-- he's a storyteller.
One note for each gift.
If there are two gifts, two notes.
Two family members.
But one gift--one gift-- - oh, my lord, I am on Kurt's side.
- Thank you.
- Oh, I mean - Thank you! Please, someone help rein in the sanity! - This is gonna sound horrible, but I hope your hand breaks, just so you can see-- just have a few--just a-- what's going on now? - I can write with my toes.
- Oh, greatYeah - But children--do you have your children write notes? - No way ever, now.
Just in case.
Never.
Oh, no, no.
- All right, so we have one for Kurt and one for Wendy.
Who is right, the husband or the wife, Cedric The Entertainer? - Do you want 15 notes? Think about this.
- I'm still, you know-- I thought she was crazy right off the top, when I first saw it.
You know, Kurt, I get you But tell me this--this whole you can track anybody down and just thank people That really alarmed me when you were, like, "I can find people!" - I'm a reporter.
I'm a reporter.
It's easy.
- And so you'll just thank people.
They have no idea they are getting a thank you note.
It's just like some kind of spy-sniper thank you person.
- Note to a manager, never a person.
- It's scary.
- Yeah, it is scary.
- They love it.
- Wendy-- - final decision, Cedric The Entertainer.
- I'm with Kurt.
I'm with Kurt.
- With Kurt! - Yes! - Kurt! Congratulations, Kurt.
They've decided that you are right.
And you are in the running to see if you are the rightest of the night, where you would receive $25,000 and your own billboard that will not say "thank you" on it.
- Maybe that's what he needs.
- Say thank you to the Greens, everybody.
Thank you so much, guys.
- Thank you.
- Now, everybody, get ready, because when we come back, the audience is gonna choose who is the rightest of the right.
We'll be right back.
[Cheers and applause] - Coming up - Ladies and gentlemen, I implore you, let's stop the insanity.
- Who will walk away with $25,000 - I hope that billboard is just, like[Hisses].
[Laughter] - Find out who's the rightest, and see the real billboard in the winner's hometown when we come back.
- All right, we're back with tonight's finalists, and they're all hoping to be the rightest of the right, and the winner of $25,000 and their very own billboard.
Here's a quick reminder of the arguments they've won tonight.
Donna Winslow and the runaway closet.
- How many pair of earrings you got? - I don't know.
I don't count my stuff! - You got 1,400.
Most of the time, you're a pretty decent person and what have you.
But when it comes to these clothes, you're kinda out of line.
- Donna, why are you the rightest? - Because I don't think that he has a right, or anyone has a right to tell me how many clothes I can have, or what I should wear, or what I should give away, and when.
- I know you feel that way.
- I do.
I do.
- Poor Dan.
- I know.
- Bernadette Daniele with the food rationing.
- It's insane that you're writing on food! - No, it's insane that you people are wasteful.
- You need to get a hobby.
[Cheers and applause] - Bernadette, why do you think you are the rightest? - Because I shouldn't have to come home and be told what food I can use, and what food I can't use.
And I shouldn't be rationed on my laundry detergent or any other food product in the house.
- I hear you.
And I also feel you're very hungry.
[Laughter] And Kurt Green with the nonstop card factory.
- When do you say, "okay, now you're so-and-so age.
Now's the time to start writing notes"? Start from birth.
Why not start straight out of the chute? - Kurt, why are you right? - Ladies and gentlemen, I implore you, let's stop the insanity! It has to end! - All right, audience, you heard from the three of them.
Vote now who you think is the rightest of the right.
Now, you guys aren't voting, but which way to you think it's gonna go? Cedric? - Oh, you know, I think Donna is the rightest.
- You think Donna's the rightest.
- She's changed already.
I mean, come on, man.
- Well, that is a different outfit.
- A totally different outfit.
- I totally didn't notice.
- With the bling chain.
Come on, I'm so being-- you know, I just can't wait to see their poster in Apache Junction-- that's the whole-- - see her up on the billboard.
- The bling chain right there.
- I think maybe Bernadette because think of all the cheese she could buy.
[Laughter] - I hope that billboard is her with just open containers of half-used food, and her just, like [Hisses] That's my hope.
That's my hope.
- Okay.
The results are in, and it's time to find out who will be the rightest.
In third place, with the fewest votes, not the winner of $25,000 or their own billboard, Donna Winslow.
[Mild applause] Thank you, Donna.
- Thank you, Donna.
- Thank you, Donna.
- You look great.
- Thank you.
- I think she should change again.
- And now we're down to Kurt and Bernadette.
And the rightest of the right is [Drum roll] Bernadette Daniele, everybody! You win! [Cheers and applause] Congratulations! $25,000.
Let's bring out Mr.
Daniele.
- Don't give 'em a dime! - All right - You gonna stop now? - No.
- Mr.
Daniele Mr.
Daniele, let's hear you say it.
- You were right.
- Yes! - That's great.
And here's what your billboard is gonna say.
[Laughter] [Cheers and applause] We'd like to thank our panel--Joel McHale Rachel Dratch, and Cedric The Entertainer.
Captioning by captionmax - [laughing] I always knew I was right, but this finally proves it.
I won.
Cheese! Whoo! - All couples tonight will receive a six-night second honeymoon with spa treatments at the St.
James's Club, Antigua, in the new royal suites.
Airfare furnished by Orbitz.
[Cheers and applause] - Keep fighting, America.
We'll see you next week.
Thank you.