The Marriage Ref (2010) s02e09 Episode Script

Nick Cannon, Caroline Rhea, Jim Breuer

I though it was going to be like one those mafia husbands.
You know the wife comes up "Where're you going tonight honey?" What'd I tell you about asking about my business? That's how I thought it was gonna go.
I have a little cell phone.
I have a little husband GPS tracking device.
I'm in the supermarket, it's going great.
Uh-oh, there is a girl coming down the aisle She is alone.
Wh -- What are I do? I -- I'm just come home, this is stupid, I shouldn't be out by myself.
Announcer: Tonight on the new and improved Marriage Ref Comedian and Saturday Night Live veteran Jim Breuer Make it be clear I am not against Oprah.
Announcer: From Plano, Texas the dynamic duo of Artis and Cheryl Jackson What's on this computer that's more important than I am? You know this is Oprah's last year, right? Announcer: You fell in love with her on Sabrina, the Teenage Witch and The Caroline Rhea Show the hilarious Caroline Rhea.
One restraining order.
Big deal! Announcer: From a gated community in Arizona, Matt and Amy Funicello.
- She can be a little obnoxious sometimes.
- Kick his ass! Go! Announcer: He's the triple threat host Of America's got talent-- Comedian, actor, and rapper, Nick Cannon.
- Ladies and gentlemen, it's Artis! Announcer: And from Dallas, Texas, The highly amusing John and Jeannine Rainone.
- When I look at Bonkers, I don't feel romantic.
[cheers and applause.]
Announcer: Now, please welcome your host, Tom Papa.
[cheers and applause.]
- Hi, welcome to The Marriage Ref.
I'm Tom Papa.
Thank you for watching.
I know you've spent all weekend dealing with your own family.
Now it's time to relax.
And watch some other people battle it out.
Say hello to our celebrities, everybody.
- Hello! Everybody! - Celebrities! - Celebrities! - You look nice.
Thanks for being here, guys.
- Thank you for having meUs.
All of us.
- As the celebrity spokesperson.
So now, if anybody doesn't know, You are married to Mariah Carey.
- Yes, I am.
- And how long have you been married? - It is going on three lovely years.
- Oh, bravo.
- Yeah! - Nice.
- I'm still excited about it.
- And Caroline, you are not married.
- No, um, I always check Facebook to see what's going on.
Currently, it's complicated.
That's all I know.
- Nice, and you have children? - I have a baby girl.
- A baby girl.
- I have a two-year-old daughter.
- Oh, beautiful.
That's nice.
- Yes.
Eva Rhea, yup.
- And Jim, I know you are married.
- Married veteran, 18 years.
- Wow.
- Yes.
- All right, now let me Turn into host mode for a second here, okay? What's gonna happen tonight Is you're gonna watch some couples up there, And they're gonna be in fights.
And you're gonna decide who's right, the husband or the wife.
- Wife! - At the-- - Sorry.
- At the end of the show, Our studio audience is gonna vote on which of tonight's Three winners is the rightest of the night.
And that person will win $25,000, And a billboard in their hometown Declaring they are right.
[cheers and applause.]
- Love the billboard.
- All right.
Now it's time to meet our first couple of the night.
We're off to the lone star state To meet Artis and Cheryl Jackson.
- Artis and I met in church.
- She come over one night and I said, "oh, my goodness.
" You know.
- That was cute.
- I mean, she was looking kind of, you know, nice.
- The more I started talking to him, The more I realized what a great heart he had.
I just loved him.
I loved everything about him.
- And here we are today.
- Oprah Winfrey is phenomenal.
She's impacted my life.
She's inspired me.
This woman is amazing.
- If I wanna get her total attention, You know what I have to say? Oprah.
- It's my favorite dang show! Yaaay! There are opportunities, and there are Oprahtunities.
- I feel like I have a third person In the marriage, and it is Oprah.
- Since I can't walk in her shoes, I walk in her socks.
- But I feel like I come third.
- I love Oprah, but I'm 100% sure That I am not obsessed with Oprah.
- I think Cheryl spends about Four hours a day doing Oprah things.
Oprah Winfrey show comes on at 4:00.
And then I'll watch it again at 8:00, Just to make sure I didn't miss anything.
- When that's over, She gets on the computer, and see how she can Get on the Oprah show, or get somewhere close to Oprah.
Cheryl writes to Oprah every night.
You know, a little letter for me Every now and then would be fine.
I ain't seen no letter wrote to me in years.
- I love Oprah because she's been down The journey that I'm traveling.
Minnie's food pantry is a nonprofit organization And we just feed the hungry in our community.
Oprah's about philanthropy.
I'm about philanthropy.
I will not cut back on Oprah.
- From the time Cheryl comes home in the evening, It's straight to the bedroom.
To watch Oprah.
- I don't feel that I put Oprah first and Artis second.
- What's on this computer that's more important than I am? - You know this is Oprah's last year, right? - I mean, even if I'm in bed with him on the computer, I'm still in bed with Artis.
- I'm just asking for a little time.
- He knows he's gonna get his time.
We know what time is.
- And what Oprah doing in my bed? - You know I'm trying to feed the hungry.
This is a show, it's talking about "do you live to give?" What if on this show, Artis, she gives-- - No, I'm hungry.
Your slogan is, "I just want to feed one.
" - Feed just one.
- I'm hungry.
Can you feed me? [cheers and applause.]
- So the issue here is, Is it okay to climb under the covers With your husband and Oprah Winfrey? Is it okay? - Uh, no.
- Flat-out no.
- Flat-out no.
I mean, I-I-- She's a--a fan, I get that.
But my man Artis needs some loving.
Like he said, "I need some time.
" - [laughing.]
"I need some time.
" - "I'm hungry.
" - "I'm hungry.
" "feed me.
" I like Artis.
- Yeah.
- I like Artis too.
- I would dress up like stedman if I was the husband.
And then Do that, embrace that.
Yeah, it's a little bit too much.
I love Oprah.
Who doesn't love Oprah? She owns all of us.
Um, but, uh - You say the wrong thing, All these lights are just gonna go out.
- Exactly.
Oprah, I'm sorry! Um, yeah, I think it's a little excessive.
- But it has changed her life.
I mean, certain people, like, when they're Into something, and it's too much Of a fan obsession, it gets kind of creepy.
But if her thing, the end result is running a food pantry, It doesn't seem that bad to me.
- No.
- Yeah? - She's--she's-- she's addicted.
She--she wakes up like this.
She's hiding in her pantry.
[imitates tasmanian devil.]
"where's my Oprah?" - [laughs.]
- [groans.]
Oprah, Oprah.
So there is a--there's a difference between a fan-- I mean, you pop-- seriously.
And then, she finishes watching it, She's on the computer.
[imitates tasmanian devil.]
"ah, Oprah! Oprah! Go away! Go away!" - She does send a lot of emails.
- I mean-- - I'll give you some numbers.
She, uh, she's written Approximately 2,000 to 3,000 emails to Oprah.
- Has Oprah written back? - Has she returned any of them? - That is unconfirmed.
- "it's me again.
" - And she spends about 25 hours a week Watching and emailing.
- Okay, one-- more than one whole day Is spent devoted to Oprah.
- Right.
- No.
Too much.
- I like the positive thing she's doing.
The positive for the community And taking the good things from Oprah, but-- - It's the ignoring the husband part that's bad.
- Yeah, he's--he's, like, out in the ocean, Just on a little raft, and she's the ocean liner.
[imitates ship horn.]
He's going, "throw me a raft! Where are you going?" "bye! I'm off to oprahville.
" [imitates ship horn.]
Just waving in the ocean.
He just wants a little acknowledgement.
- Right.
- [laughs.]
How is this different from guys watching football or--? - You were gonna say porn.
You were gonna say porn.
- I-- - Say it.
- I wasn't gonna say porn, but okay, porn.
- It's actually closer to the porn Than it is to football, actually, I think.
- What do you mean? - Bringing Oprah to bed on the laptop.
- Uh-huh.
- I mean, that's how I watch my porn.
- Do you have anyone in your life That has an obsession? Do you have somebody that is-- adores Oprah? - I used to be obsessed with benicio del toro, And when I was on the road, I would--I would check in as Caroline del toro And then order room service, and they would go, "Mrs.
Del toro?" And I would go, "yes, that's me.
" But I didn't, like, you know, do it 25 hours a week.
- That's hilarious.
- I mean, was--did I share? Did I over-share? Look at you.
Goat man is looking at me like I'm a freak.
[cheers and applause.]
- Oprah is a very powerful, powerful force, right? And I think I know, uh, what makes her so powerful.
And I want to try out one of her techniques here tonight.
Now, I know that we don't have the same budget That Oprah has, but if you look under your seats, There's t-shirts! T-shirts! Go ahead.
For you and you and you.
- Oh, my God.
Aah! - T-shirts! [cheers and applause.]
- I know! Let's celebrate! - And you're all going to Australia.
- Oh! - Whoo! It really works.
Okay, we're gonna need some time to compose ourselves.
We'll be here with the Jacksons when we come back.
T-shirts! [cheers and applause.]
- Oh! [cheers and applause.]
Announcer: When we come back, Someone says the unspeakable.
- This is amazing to me that this man would say that On national tv.
- Don't say nothing bad about Oprah.
- No, don't.
Announcer: And later, our panel goes completely Bonkers.
- Who likes yellow? - Ah! - Blue? - Wah! [jazzy theme music.]
- Welcome back to The Marriage Ref.
All right, they're here on their second favorite show.
Please welcome Artis and Cheryl Jackson.
[cheers and applause.]
Good to see you.
- Good to see you.
Oh, yeah.
- Good to see you guys.
- Good to see you, Tom.
I've been waiting on this for a long time.
I loves this man.
God knows I do.
But he's wrong.
- [laughs.]
- He's wrong, Tom.
- Why is he so wrong? It seems like he's a little lonely.
- He is lonely, but you know what? I comfort him.
You look at this man.
He's smiling.
He happy.
- Don't believe the hype.
Don't believe none of that.
- Oh, yeah, you gotta believe it.
You know what, Tom? We've been married 25 years.
Oprah been on the show 25 years.
So he's gonna have to talk to the hand tonight, 'cause tonight is my night.
- [laughs.]
- I'm ready.
- Well, tonight is our night.
- Yeah.
- I need more of her time.
I want to come home after a hard day's work, I want to spend time with my wife.
Not the tv show, not Oprah.
I want to be the man.
The number one man.
- Let me just say this.
He got two children.
You know he been doing something, don't ya? - [laughs.]
- Yeah, they're 23 and 21.
Come on.
- That's when Oprah just started.
- Right.
- But Artis, it can't last.
It's gonna pass.
So why--why fight it? I mean, Caroline was obsessed with benicio del toro.
- Please do not compare My minor obsession with this, all right? - No, but-- - Little, little.
- But what happened to that obsession? - One restraining order.
Big deal.
- Wait a minute, guys.
I am not obsessed with what-- who Oprah is.
I'm obsessed with what Oprah does.
I feed the hungry, so you can get with me on this, Because she has taught me.
I am her student.
She is my teacher.
She done taught me how to do this the right way.
You feel me, don't you? - Yes.
[cheers and applause.]
- Okay? Okay, he is hungry.
- I'm tired of eating out every night.
- I can see she's learned a lot from Oprah.
- I mean, you seem like a very, very happy person to me.
- I am very happy.
- You seem like, whatever this Oprah thing, It's working.
You actually glow right here.
- Thank you.
- Now, why not let her glow a little? - I don't mind her glowing.
I'm just saying, when I get home, I need more.
Oprah gets her for four hours a day.
- Right.
- Can a brother at least get one hour? [laughter.]
That's all I'm saying.
- Yeah.
[cheers and applause.]
- You know what? This is amazing to me that this man would say that On national tv, 'cause he knows what he gets.
- What does he get? - He gets it all, baby.
I give it all to him.
- I'm starting to think that maybe You're not as neglected as you're saying.
I'm starting to think that maybe, Artis, You're trying to play this a little bit Just because you don't like Oprah.
- Don't--don't say nothing bad about Oprah.
- 'Cause we'll go off Up in here.
- We all love Oprah.
- That's the wrong thing to do.
Don't do it! - Yeah.
- But I was gonna say, at first I was gonna say That perhaps she needs an inter-Oprah-vention, 'cause I did think, at first-- However, now meeting you, you came in here, You're like [imitates explosion.]
You are an explosion of-- of love and get-- And I think, Artis, I think you may have eaten more than you say you've eaten.
- Mm-hmm.
- And you-- [laughter.]
- Imagine that Oprah was a little baby.
A little baby that needed your attention.
- Right.
- [laughs.]
- Right.
- Okay.
- Gotcha.
- So just give him more attention.
- And I have.
- They're just babies.
But, are you obsessed with anything? - No, not really.
- Oh, my God! - Okay.
- Oh, what? What is it? - Hold up.
Let me just tell y'all something.
Listen to this.
I have, on video, he's got chickens.
We live in the city.
This man went and bought an incubator And hatched chickens on my kitchen table! [laughter.]
- Hey, we're not eating on it.
- That's what sound like it done drove her crazy.
Hatching chickens on the kitchen table? [laughter.]
- All right, all right.
I think-- I think it's time-- I think it's time to make the call.
Who is right? - Come on, now.
- Cheryl or Artis? I'm gonna start with you, Jim.
- All right.
Uh, hmm.
- Come on, Jim.
Come on, Jim, baby.
I'm counting on you, baby.
Don't let me down.
- I feel that she wants to win too bad.
- I do.
- So I'm gonna say she's not thinking of Artis, And I'm gonna go with Artis.
- Oh! Going with Artis, but close.
- Oh, no.
- But close.
- But make it be clear I am not against Oprah.
- Right.
We get it.
- And that's when Jim was struck by lightning.
- [laughs.]
All right, Caroline.
Cheryl or Artis? Who is right? - I'm very conflicted.
Because you have the most compelling personality.
And if you run for president, I will vote for you.
- Thank you.
- But I'm Canadian and it won't count.
But that was a compliment.
- [laughs.]
- I love your spirit, And I love that you're obsessed with Oprah, And I hate saying this, but you're wrong And Artis is right! - Oh! Whoa! - Artis needs some more attention.
- No way.
- I'm sorry.
- Whoa.
- It's for the people! It's for the people! - Wait! - Wait! - Wait.
Hold on.
How much time is spent with the chicken incubation? - You know what? It's not just chickens.
You tell the truth.
It's cows.
It is cows.
It is horses.
It is chickens.
It's peacocks.
- All on the kitchen table? - It--no.
So he leaves me and he drives 25 minutes away And when he's finished then he comes back.
What I do about Oprah, the reason why I'm obsessed Is because she teaches me how to raise money To feed the hungry.
That is what this is about.
- Use them chickens.
- Hold on! [laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]
- That--that's what it's about.
- I'm still going with Artis.
- Oh! Nick, Artis or Cheryl? Who is right? - Miss Cheryl, you have such an amazing personality.
- Where is Oprah when you need her? - You come out here and just take over every-- And you are so humble.
- Thank you.
- And meek.
I think maybe what it is, you might have to start Coming into the house just a little more big.
- I think you're right.
- You know what I mean? Like, do like Oprah would come in this house.
"ladies and gentlemen, it's Artis!" [laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]
- So Artis or Cheryl? - I'm gonna have to go with Artis.
- Artis.
A clean sweep for Artis.
- Oh, my God, Nick.
Wow! - Congratulations, Artis.
You're right.
- Thank you.
- You win.
- Thank you.
- And we'll see if you're the winner of $25,000 And your own billboard.
A big round of applause for the Jacksons, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]
All right, let's meet our second couple of the night.
All the way from hot and cactusy Chandler, Arizona, It's Matthew and Amy Funicello.
- Matt and I met in a bar in college.
At the time, I told him he had great teeth.
I meant to say he had a great smile, But it came out, "you have great teeth.
" - Clearly, you know, hitting on me.
I think you even bought me a drink.
And the rest is history.
I love Amy because she's very passionate About everything she does.
[jazzy music.]
- I am a football fanatic.
- I am not.
- I love--he's not.
I suppose it's a ritual for me, And it's something that should be enjoyed.
- It's Tony Roma over Roy Williams.
- My dad's been gone a few years now, And I really feel like this is something That he and I had That I can hand off to my kids.
- The jets are going.
- Go, go, go, go, go! - Aw! Uhh! - Aw! - I'm--I'm over it.
The fanatic part of it-- the yelling And the hooting and hollering.
I'd like for her to tone it down a little bit.
- Go, go, go! God! - A two yard gain.
- Our youngest son, he'd yell down, Like, "is something wrong, mom?" 'cause she's, you know, screaming at the tv.
- I want him to be The four-year-old savant of football.
- That's ridiculous.
- Ravens over the browns.
- My oldest, he started playing football.
And to watch a little kid just get into the mix, Oh, God, you know, I just--I love it.
Get outside, get outside.
Go! I need a hole! - It is embarrassing.
She can be a little obnoxious sometimes.
- Block and get open! When I'm at Jack's game, I am psyched.
Hey! I am excited.
- Yeah! - I'm nervous.
I feel like I should be on the field with him, But that's not my role.
Push 'em back! Let's go! Oh! I'm gonna throw up.
- You know, you see parents around us Kind of looking up every once in a while, Like, wondering who the crazy lady is, screaming.
- Get him! Take him down! Take him down.
- Sometimes I get a little embarrassed.
- Go, Jack! I need some blocks, boys! I'm not rubbing it in anybody's face.
I'm just-- I'm just proud of my boy.
Oh, my [bleep.]
! What the [bleep.]
is going on? [cheering.]
[cheers and applause.]
- So the issue here is, can a woman Actually scream her head off? [laughter.]
Too much screaming? Not enough screaming? - You know what? I--I think it's cool.
I--I wish my mama was that enthusiastic About my extracurricular activities.
- What were your activities? - Like doing standup as a kid.
Come on, hit the punch line! - [laughs.]
- Say something funny! - [laughs.]
- That would have been awesome.
- I thought when she said, you know, This is something that she did with her dad And she bonded and she wants that same bond with her child, And then-- then I saw her at the game, And it was terrifying.
- I know she has a connection with her dad.
- Right.
- But when you're at the game going, "what are you doing? Darn it! "run outside and get him! "what's wrong with you? What's wrong with you?" [imitates horn blowing.]
"catch the ball like we practiced in the living room!" [laughter.]
It's over the top.
- That's weird, because when you do it, It's totally-- - It's normal.
- Normal.
- Yeah.
- I'm not doing it for my child.
- If you're a guy, isn't it good to have a woman That's that into football? - That's why I'm jealous.
- That is so stereotypical sexist stuff.
- Why? - That's what football is all about! [laughter.]
- I mean, she was connected to her father through football.
- Right.
- Now she's connected to her kids through football.
Why is it such a bad thing? - 'cause she's got a cowbell at the peewee game.
Bang, bang, bang! "what are you doing? God, kill 'em! Aah!" That's a little too much.
- [laughs.]
- Yeah.
I think we agree that it's perfectly great To act like a lunatic in your own home, Absolutely, and to encourage your kid, totally.
We're all on board.
- Knock yourself out.
- Not so much with the little children And the frightening look, right? - I agree, Caroline.
- But if Matthew would man up and say, "woman, be quiet!" [laughter.]
- Right.
Why is he just letting it happen? That's a good point.
- Because he's not a caveman.
Because-- [laughter.]
Have you ever said to Mariah Carey, "woman, be quiet"? I don't think so.
- No.
- No.
- I thought about it, though.
I thought about it.
- All right, we've got to take a quick break, So get ready to scream at your tv, 'cause the Funicellos will be battling it out Right here when we come back.
[cheers and applause.]
- All right, welcome back to The Marriage Ref.
Get ready, sports fans.
Here comes Matt and Amy Funicello.
[cheers and applause.]
Hey, nice to meet you guys.
- Hi.
- You guys look so great.
- Thank you.
- I thought you'd come out in a Jersey.
- Uh, you know, here's the thing.
I'm not--I'm not all about football Seven days a week.
I like to take-- - And I don't dislike football either.
It just doesn't have to dictate my entire life.
- It doesn't dictate my entire life.
- On the weekends.
- And I've made a compromise.
I've said Sundays are my day.
I give you the other six days of the week.
I do-- - No Saturday? - Unless it's a college game playing on Saturday or-- - Every now and then.
- Unless it's, yeah, playoffs.
- Wow, we've clearly worked it out, so - Yeah.
I've given a little.
- No tension there.
- I've given a little.
- And you're also in fantasy leagues.
- Just one.
- Just one? - Just one.
- One this year.
- Okay, stop being such a [bleep.]
- Ah, well, well.
Who's sexist now? [laughter.]
- I'm so sorry.
- No, I enjoy watching the games too, But on the weekends, you know, The housework has to get done.
I mean, I'm outside, doing the yard work.
Someone's got to take care of the inside.
- And I-- - You can't expect me to do all of it.
- We both work full-time.
I work five days a week in the office.
I work seven days a week as a mom and a wife And running errands.
What's wrong with asking for one day a week? - Tape the game.
We have--you know, we have directv.
- That's not fun.
- Are you a virgo? What are you? Are you a virgo? - I am.
- You're a virgo.
I knew it.
- Oh, you really are a witch, huh? - Whoo-ooh.
The idea of taping a live game And that being fun-- even I know that's, like-- - We're talking--we're talking, like a half hour, You can get through all the commercials.
- Oh, my God.
- As the mom, do you deal with the kids more than he does? - No, it's about 50/50.
- Is it really? - Yeah, it really is.
- Not in football season.
- No? - No.
- You deal with the kids a lot more? - Not during football season, 'cause when she's watching the games, If her team's not winning, It gets ugly out in the living room.
- No, because my kids watch with me.
- Usually, like, the kids are, like, scared.
- What does she do? - It's something the family can do together.
- She's, you know, she's swearing at the tv.
She doesn't throw stuff, But she gets pretty animated, for sure.
It's-- - I'm teaching my children How to be passionate about their team.
I'm teaching them how to be loyal to their team.
- You're teaching them some super dirty words, though.
- Well [laughter.]
- They--they know them all.
They just won't use them in front of us.
- Where'd the cowbell come from? - I want the world to know how proud I am of my son.
You know, I-- - Nothing says "I love you" like a cowbell.
- That's right.
- We get some funny stares and looks When she busts out the cowbell at the-- - But they know I'm proud of my boy.
- Yeah.
- Do you ever fight with the other parents? - Uh, sometimes.
I've been told by other dads to cool it.
- By other dads? Hello.
You're a mom.
- Yeah, I--that was my first hint too, uh, To chill out just a little bit.
- Do you think that that part's bad? - No, I love the fact that she gets into the games.
But she can tone it down a little bit.
I mean, I think when you have-- You have to be told to quiet down by a ref Or you're gonna be, you know, out.
You know, the team will have to forfeit if-- You know, I mean, that can happen.
- I'm also teaching my children self-restraint.
I'm teaching them how to, uh-- - Yeah.
Brr-rrr-rrring! What are you doing? Go to the right! Tackle 'em! - I could be saying much worse.
- Restrain yourself, jackass! [laughter.]
- All right, I think it's time to make the call.
I'm gonna start with Nick on this one.
- Come on, Nick.
- [laughs.]
- Matt, my man, you are so well-dressed.
- He is a virgo.
- But I have to say, Amy, I love your enthusiasm.
I love it.
You are awesome.
I'ma go with Amy.
- Amy.
All right.
Nick thinks you're right.
- Wow.
- Nick thinks you are right.
- I'm not getting a good vibe here.
- Caroline? - Matt, I was so for you and your perfect teeth.
- [laughs.]
- But now that I know you're a virgo, You're probably so anal And you probably drive her completely insane.
No wonder she's screaming at children.
I vote for Amy.
- Amy.
Two for Amy.
- Oh, no.
- Jim? - Um, I know the kids sometimes are probably embarrassed, But when they reflect when they're older, And she's long gone, I imagine her kids going, "ha ha! Mom was crazy.
We loved her.
" - Ah, nice.
- So I'm gonna go with Amy.
- Amy, congratulations.
You win.
[cheers and applause.]
And you may be the winner of $25,000 And your own billboard.
We'll find out if you're the rightest.
A big round of applause for the Funicellos, everybody.
- Thank you.
[cheers and applause.]
- When we come back, We'll meet our final couple of the night.
Stay with us.
[cheers and applause.]
Announcer: Coming up, This clown [nose honks.]
This woman - Oh, I don't think so.
Announcer: And this clown - [imitates honking, sputters.]
pfft! Hi, sweetie! Announcer: Will have it out As we move one step closer to finding out Who's the rightest.
- That's Bonkers! [jazzy theme music.]
- Welcome back to The Marriage Ref.
It's time for our last couple.
From the scenic yet arid city of Dallas, Texas, John and Jeannine Rainone.
- I fell in love with her The minute she gave me the first kiss.
I said, "yeah, this is a woman "that wants to be swept off her feet, And I'm gonna do my darndest to do that.
" - He's one of the most romantic men I've ever known in my life.
I'm blushing, he's so romantic.
[jazzy music.]
- Since 1977, I've been a professional children's entertainer, And I was--I was hooked at that point.
You knew when you married me I have a certain set of conditions in my life That are different than a lot of people.
- John is a clown.
[upbeat music.]
- Hi, guys.
- That's his profession.
- How y'all are doing? - [crying.]
- I know, I know.
That's not the only woman that reacts that way When she sees what I look like.
- [crying.]
- I am requesting that you take off the clown makeup.
- I worked all day.
I just want to maybe be lazy, a little downtime.
- I don't want to talk to a clown face.
- It's me.
- John.
The face.
This is not you.
This is not my husband.
This is Bonkers the clown.
[nose honks.]
- She wants me to take it all off, Get rid of it, and become a civilian right away.
- It's not really Dr.
Jekyll and Mr.
It's just John and John being annoying.
[nose honks.]
Which is Bonkers.
[nose honks.]
Okay, I'm good.
- When I come home, you know, Maybe I just want to do something else, Like answer my messages or get the mail Or look over the-- - Or piss off Jeannine.
- Get over it.
- Oh, I don't think so.
- Get over it.
- No.
Oh, no, no, no.
- Get over it.
Get over it.
- See, you're being Bonkers.
- Get over it.
- You're being Bonkers.
- No, I'm not.
[nose honks.]
- You make me crazy.
- Sometimes I show her tricks, routines.
Yeah, I figure, like, you know, I'll be an egghead, right? - Yeah.
- Don't egg me on here.
Okay, you understand? - Okay, I got it, I got it.
- Okay, through the head.
Ow! - Yeah.
- In the mou-ou-th.
- Okay.
[dog whines.]
- Uhh! - [groans.]
[nose honks.]
okay, yeah.
There comes a point where, you know, You need to leave Bonkers in the sink And come out and be my husband.
- It's not like I'm, you know, Lex Luthor.
- I'm not talking to you Until you take the clown makeup off.
- How's the chili? - Uh! - Look, you're being-- - Uh! - It's still me.
- Uh! - It's the-- - No.
[nose honks.]
- You talked! [laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]
- So the issue here is, can someone named Bonkers Ever be right? - Bonkers is awesome! [laughter.]
I would love to live with Bonkers.
- [laughs.]
he looks cool, right? - He is.
How can you be, like, upset living with a clown? [laughter.]
Let Bonkers be Bonkers.
- [laughs.]
what do you think, Caroline? - You don't think so, Caroline? - John Wayne gacy.
That's all I have to say.
- Aw! - Oh, my God.
No! - Listen, we're all entertainers, And we know when we get off the stage, That adrenaline rush.
However, she's a different audience.
The stage is over.
Show's over.
Take off the makeup, hammer.
- Yeah.
- He seems a little confused by it, Because he's doing wife jokes to the children.
- Yes! - And then he comes home and he puts a chicken on his head.
- I love Bonkers.
Bonkers--I actually have that outfit at home as well.
I can relate.
My wife does the same thing to me.
- What do you mean? - She does--she doesn't like when I come home And try to crack jokes all the time and stuff.
She's not into that, so-- - It's upsetting, isn't it? - Yeah, she started-- so then--'cause then, She start hitting high notes, I'm cracking jokes.
It's just a [laughter.]
- No, but Nick, she don't come out with the outfit on, right? She's just got her hang-out, home, wife clothes.
- Ever seen Mariah Carey? - Oh, I've seen Mariah.
- She comes out with the outfit on.
- But she don't got no clown nose.
[imitates honking nose.]
You know, ahhhhhhhhh - I mean, I can see her point in that clowns are meant To keep you on edge.
Like, they come up, and they're like, honk, honk! And they act like they're your friend, And then they shoot water in your face Or they do the pail with the confetti.
Heh heh heh hey! I would be unnerved.
- Well, how far do you go? Does he bring the elephants home after that? I mean, ringling brothers? Yeah, I'm trying out a new elephant.
You know, a new elephant.
- How many pies in the face? Ooh! I'm sorry.
- Oh! Oh! - It's getting violent up here.
- You're a bad clown.
- I'm a terrible clown.
- Bem, bem! - Honk, honk! - Does he carpool in one of those little cars And like five of his friends getting out and just-- - Right, right.
- He does leave it on a lot around the house, And he also, around the store, He shops with it in the grocery store And then people recognize him.
- In the grocery store? - Well, you know what it's like when you're on tv And people kind of recognize you, But no one recognizes him Because he goes out with the makeup.
So he's like, "I'm going to the store," And puts the nose on.
- All right, that's like me going to the grocery store And they're like-- - There's that Saturday night live jackass.
- Yeah, hey, uh, I don't know if you know this.
Are the--[bleats.]
-- rice-a-roni on--[bleats.]
--sale? How much is the--[bleats.]
? - I'm just wondering, She has no issue with the beret at all? [laughter.]
- You know what's so funny, though? Like, he's got that hat and the top hat, And he's kind of, like, crooked.
He's got the big shoes, the red nose.
He's really playing an alcoholic.
- I think she should be, like, a magician.
She should dress up and say, "and now, our sex life disappears.
" [laughter.]
- Okay, we have to take a quick break.
When we come back, a teeny, tiny car Is gonna drop off Jeannine and Bonkers.
We'll be right back.
[cheers and applause.]
[cheers and applause.]
- Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Direct your attention to the center ring.
I bring you John and Jeannine Rainone.
[cheers and applause.]
[jazzy music.]
John, it's good to see you, but I have to admit, I was hoping to meet Bonkers.
- Me too.
- Me too.
- Sorry about that, man.
You know, he couldn't make it.
- He couldn't make it? - Trust me, sometimes I wish he would leave.
- Thanks a lot.
Thank you.
- Why? Now, Bonkers seems adorable to me.
- He is.
He's precious, you know, when you're four years old.
But when you want to have an adult conversation, It's nice to talk to your husband And not somebody with a mask on their face, and-- - You know, I like to be on my own timetable, right? - Right.
- I mean, you come home, and it's not so-- Maybe it's not immediately, but within five minutes, I've got my own timetable.
You know, look, you all come home sometimes And maybe you're still in that mindset, right? - No.
This is who I love, all right? Not Bonkers.
- Honk, honk! What do you think, Jim? - I think, you know, in his eyes, He sees a four-year-old going, "oh, God, Bonkers rocks!" You know? You know, little kids going, "that's Bonkers!" You know.
However, I remember I would come home, I'd be like, "sweetheart, "you know who I worked with today? I worked with pesci and de niro.
" And she would go, "did you-- "did they pick up your mother's gift Like I asked you to pick up for the birthday?" - What is the time? When do you want the makeup off by? - By the time we eat dinner.
- By the time you eat dinner, get it off.
Is that reasonable, Nick? - Uh, I think-- - Nick loves Bonkers.
- I love Bonkers.
I'm a bonker-- Do you have a website? - Sure.
You put "Bonkers clown" in any search engine, I'm there, man.
- All right.
Now, see, that's the thing.
Now--and this may be a little inappropriate, But I just have to know.
Have you ever got a little Bonkers with Bonkers? - No.
- Never? - That's what you guys need to do.
- No.
- Try that.
- No.
Try that.
If Bonkers came home and put it down one time, You would love Bonkers in a different way.
- I would be out.
- [laughs.]
- And, you see, that brings up a really good point, though, Because when I come home from work, I have to have my downtime as well.
But then, when we're together, I think most women can agree with me That we need a visual to enjoy our quality time.
When I look at Bonkers, I don't feel romantic.
- You don't feel romantic when you look at me.
- Yes, I do.
- Thank you.
I love you too.
- That was a good try, though, Bonkers.
John, is there any part, like, you know, As an entertainer, as a comedian, like, you-- When you bomb in front of somebody, Like, you--it's the worst thing in the world.
- I can't remember that happening.
- You can't? But it seems like it's happening every night.
- That's because the audience can't speak yet.
- Who likes yellow? - Ah! - Can I use that? - Blue? - Waah! All right, I think it's time to make the call.
Who is right? John or Jeannine? And I'm gonna start with Caroline.
- Well, Jeannine, I think that there's another way That you could express it to your husband.
But you're completely right, 1,000,000%! - Oh! Going for Jeannine.
- Yes! - [laughs.]
Nick, do you-- do you think he should Be allowed to stay Bonkers as long as he wants? - I am a fan.
I want to be the president of your fan club.
I love Bonkers.
And, I mean, you're a beautiful woman, But I'ma go with John.
- Going with John.
- Yeah! - Jim? - I totally understand Where you're coming from, John, 1,000%.
[imitating Joe Pesci.]
we're clowns.
We're here to amuse people.
We come home.
We want, like, to relax.
This is my house.
However-- - I am so glad I'm not married to you.
Go ahead.
- However, uh, when you're home, You should respect that she wants to spend time with you, Not [imitates nose honk.]
pfft! Hi, sweetie! You know what I mean? - All right, our panel says that you're right.
Congratulations, Jeannine.
You win.
[cheers and applause.]
And stick around, 'cause you may win $25,000 and your own billboard.
A big round of applause for the Rainones, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]
Now everyone, get ready, 'cause when we come back, The audience is gonna choose Who is the rightest of the rights.
We'll be right back.
[cheers and applause.]
Announcer: Coming up on The Marriage Ref, These three are right, But who will pocket 25 grand And have their face plastered on this billboard? The audience decides who is the rightest When we return.
[cheers and applause.]
- All right, we're back with tonight's finalists.
They're all hoping to be the rightest of the right And the winner of $25,000 and their own billboard.
All right, audience, this is your chance to decide Which of these three people is the rightest.
But before you vote, here's a reminder Of the arguments they've won tonight.
Artis Jackson with the Oprah-dose.
- It's my favorite dang show! Since I can't walk in her shoes, I walk in her socks.
- I'm just asking for a little time.
- Artis, why are you the rightest? - Because I'm 25 years into the marriage And I love my wife as much as I did before.
I just want more of her time.
- Artis getting all sweet and syrupy.
Winning over the ladies for sure.
Jeannine Rainone with clowning turning to frowning.
- John.
The face.
This is not you.
This is not my husband.
This is Bonkers the clown.
[nose honks.]
- And Jeannine, why are you the rightest? - Because when I get home, I just want to be with my short, hairy, Italian man, And not Bonkers the clown.
- And Amy Funicello, with a cheerleading squad of one.
- Get outside, get outside.
Go! I need a hole! - It is embarrassing.
- Push 'em back! Let's go! [laughter.]
- Amy, why are you the rightest? - 'cause it's all right to be passionate About something that you love.
- You said that like a football coach And scared me a little.
All right, audience, the time has come.
Please vote now.
So panel, you are not voting, But who are you rooting for? Nick? - Oh, playa, playa from the Himalayas.
I got to go with my man Artis.
He just said it so smooth, he just won me over.
And he just wants more "tahme.
" - It's "tahme.
" - Yeah, "tahme.
" - [laughs.]
Caroline? - Jeannine.
I think Jeannine should win.
- [laughs.]
Jim, who are you rooting for? - If my wife came home with a clown outfit - Right.
- Sexy once.
But a clown outfit? Come on, man.
I'm going with Jeannine.
- Really? All right.
I can't believe that you say that that would be sexy once.
- Yeah.
- I'll try anything once.
- Okay, the results are in.
It's time to find out who will be the rightest.
In third place, with the fewest votes, Not the winner of $25,000 or their own billboard [drumroll.]
Jeannine Rainone.
- Oh! - Give her a round of applause, everybody, 'cause that's all she's gonna get.
Down to Artis and Amy.
- [laughs.]
- The winner, the rightest of the right, And the winner of $25,000 and their own billboard is [drumroll.]
Artis Jackson! [cheers and applause.]
[cheers and applause.]
Come on, Cheryl.
[cheers and applause.]
Now, Artis Artis, you win $25,000 and your own billboard, But only Cheryl can complete this.
So, Cheryl, let's hear you say it.
- You were right.
- Oh! [cheers and applause.]
- And here's what your billboard is going to say.
- [laughs.]
- There you go.
We'd like to thank our panel-- Jim Breuer, Caroline Rhea, and Nick Cannon.
[cheers and applause.]
- [laughs.]
I was right! Look at that big old sign! Artis Jackson was right! - It says, "is right," so you're wrong again.
- I won, baby.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! - Go ahead, do your dance.
Bet Oprah wouldn't say you're right.
- Stop hatin'.
Stop hatin'.
Announcer: All couples tonight Will receive a six-night stay in an ocean-view suite And sunset cruise At the windjammer landing Villa Beach Resort, St.
Airfare furnished by Orbitz.
- Keep fighting, America.
We'll see you next week.
[cheers and applause.]
[jazzy theme music.]

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