The Mary Tyler Moore Show (1970) s01e04 Episode Script

Divorce Isn't Everything

How will you make it on your own This world is awfully big And, girl this time you're all alone But it's time you started living It's time you let someone else do some giving Love is all around No need to waste it You can have the town Why don't you take it You might just make it After all You might just make it after all Now, I guess it's ready for painting, huh? - Not till you've aged it a little.
- How do I do that? Well, I brought the stuff.
Here, I'll show you.
- What's that? - To give it an antique look.
Stand back.
If you've got any hostilities, this is a marvelous way to work 'em off.
- Yeah, I can see that.
- I haven't had this much fun in years.
- Here, you try it.
- Well, um Yeah, maybe later.
- No, no, go ahead.
- Well, I feel a little silly.
Well All right.
What's so funny? I just feel silly hitting, uh, with, uh Okay, all right.
I'll-I'll Apparently, you have some kind of a hang-up about this.
Either get over it, or buy yourself genuine antiques.
- See ya later.
- Okay.
I don't have any hang-ups.
- Who is it? - It's nobody.
Uh, can I help you? - No, I'm fine.
- Oh.
I thought I heard something hit the door.
- It was just my head.
- Your head? I was leaning back to rest against your door, and I misjudged the distance.
- But don't worry about me.
I'm fine.
- Are you sure? - Oh, yeah, positive.
- Well, uh I'm sorry you didn't get to marry that fella who was gonna marry you.
My daughter wrote me all about it, Mary.
You're Rhoda's mother! Oh, for heaven's sake.
She lives right upstairs.
- Let me help you carry your bags.
- She isn't home.
Well, then, come on in here and wait.
I'd like to come in, in fact, I'm curious about your apartment.
- Oh, why is that? - Rhoda's place must look like yours.
Oh, well, actually, her place doesn't look at all like this.
She said your place was twice as nice as hers, so I figured if I lop off 50%, I got it.
Well, please, come in and sit down.
- I don't wanna inconvenience you.
- You won't inconvenience me.
- You sure? - People sit down in here all the time.
Practically every time somebody comes in that door, they sit down.
Rhoda was right.
You got a cute personality.
Don't stop what you were doing.
I wasn't doing anything.
I'll do it later.
I don't wanna inconvenience you.
Look, go back to what you were doing.
Okay, please, sit down.
All right, I'll go back to what I was doing.
It's, uh, something that you do to furniture.
- Uh-huh.
- Um No, really, I'll-I'll show you.
Well, it's nice to have a hobby that makes you happy.
Hello? Mary, this is Rhoda.
And don't say, "Hello, Rhoda.
" Okay.
Uh, hi.
And why? I wanna ask you a question, but I don't want you to answer with a yes or no.
- Why? - Because a lot of yeses and nos would seem suspicious if there's someone there with you.
- There's someone there with you? - Yes.
- I told you not to say yes.
- Well, how else am l I've got a code worked out.
Now, listen.
If the answer is "yes," say a word beginning with the letter "A.
" If the answer is "no," say a word beginning with the letter "B.
" All right? Is my mother there? Uh, apples.
I thought so.
Does she know I'm home upstairs here? You're Bagel.
Could you make up some excuse and then come upstairs here real quick? Uh, well, I really I don't Uh, abracadabra.
- Good.
I'll see you in a minute then.
- Okay, Rhoda.
Did you see my mother just look up when you said, "Okay, Rhoda"? Alabama.
You just come barging into a person's room without knocking on the beads? Rhoda, why don't you wanna see your mother? Because I looked out my window and saw her carrying that down the street.
- She asked me to give it to you.
- I don't want it.
Your mother comes all the way from New York to bring you a present, and you Don't want it.
Mary, I send her $50 a month in New York.
You know what she does with it? Buys me gifts, and then she brings them to me.
I gotta make her stop doing that kind of stuff, Mar.
Rhoda, she probably brings you the presents because she loves you.
I love her too, but she makes me crazy! - How? - Read the card on that gift.
I guarantee you it'll be something that makes me crazy.
"No one in the world will ever love you as much as I do.
" - That's lovely.
- To the naked eye, it's lovely.
But think about it, Mary.
I'm 30 years old, right, and single.
No matter where I go or who I meet or how long I may live, no one will ever love me as much as she does.
That's not a card.
That's a curse.
What about your father? Does he make you crazy too? No.
I was five years old before I knew my father could talk.
You know the first thing he said? "Listen to your mother.
" Now do you understand, Mar? No, Rhoda, I'm sorry.
I don't.
Your mother is down there.
You're up here.
You say you love her You're talking about Midwestern love.
I'm talking about Bronx love.
There's a certain amount of guilt that goes with that.
My mother wants the people she loves to feel guilty.
Like with her pills.
- Her pills? - Right.
My mother hasn't been taking her pills for as long as I can remember.
What hasn't she been taking them for? I've never been sure.
For all I know, they're an aphrodisiac.
No more, Mary, really.
If she needs those pills, she'll take 'em herself.
- You really won't see your mother? - No! Okay, Rhoda.
Mary? Ask her if she's been taking her pills, huh? I'm just having a little snack.
I wish you'd let me fix you something to have for dinner.
Oh, no, I never eat.
I just nibble.
Well, if you're still hungry, there's half a chicken in the refrigerator.
Not anymore.
That's what I nibbled.
Morgenstern, you take the bed.
I just changed the sheets this morning.
- Where you gonna sleep? - Right here on the two chairs.
- Makes a pretty good bed.
- Oh, no, no.
I can't let you do that.
Yes, I'll be perfectly comfortable.
I'm putting you out.
I'm gonna spend the night in a motel.
Do you think they'll let me in without a car? Mrs.
Morgenstern, you're not putting me out.
I found a motel down by the bus station for only five dollars a night.
- But, Mrs.
Morgenstern - I only hope it's clean.
But, Mrs.
Morgenstern, if it'll make you stay, you can sleep on the chair.
All right, I'll stay.
What are you doing? That's what it'd cost me in that fleabag, so I'm certainly gonna pay you.
- No, I couldn't take your money.
- Come on.
Don't be silly.
- For sleeping on my chair? - I want you to have the money.
No, Mrs.
I couldn't take it.
Well, okay, have it your way.
- Good night, Mrs.
- Good night.
- Sleep well.
- You too.
This is gonna kill my back.
Would you like another cup of coffee before I leave for work? Mrs.
Morgenstern? Hello? Uh, come in.
Oh, thanks.
I'd love some.
- Where's Ida? - Ida? - Ida.
- Oh! How can you live with a woman for three days and not know her first name? Well, I just never thought of her as having a first name.
Oh, Mary, that's so you.
Calling a woman She doesn't want to be called Mrs.
Yeah, well, I can't call her what she wants me to call her.
- Ida? - Mama.
Hello? Yes.
Who is this? Yes, Mrs.
Morgenstern is still living here.
No, I don't know when she Rhoda, is this you? Yes, it is too you, Rhoda, so you can stop using the Italian accent.
Rhoda, if you're so concerned about your mother, why don't you come down and see her for yourself? I don't know if she's taking her pills.
I'm sure if she's supposed to, she's taking them.
Good-bye, Rhoda.
Morgenstern, where have you been? - Out shopping.
Hello, Phyllis.
- Hi, Ida.
You were out in the snow wearing just that? I thought if I went rummaging in the closet looking for my coat, I might disturb some of your lovely things.
Let me get out of your way.
I still can't understand what it is about Ida that upsets you so.
- You can't? Well, okay.
There's things like things like that.
- Like what? - She's washing the dishes.
- What's wrong with that? - I already washed the dishes.
Mary, it's just her way of showing how she appreciates what you're doing.
- You should open the gift she got you.
- I'm afraid to.
- Oh, Mary.
- Okay, all right, fine.
Okay, I'm gonna open the present.
You'll see.
The minute I open this, I'm gonna be in so much trouble.
- Now, don't you feel a bit ridiculous? - I, uh, feel a lot ridiculous.
Well, I'm glad I could help you, Mary.
Bye, Ida! Mrs.
- I really like the scarves.
- You really like them? - Oh, yes, I love them.
- It's nice of you to say that anyway.
No, I'm not just saying that, Mrs.
I really love these scarves.
- Well - No, really.
Look, I'm gonna wear one.
I'll wear it to work.
This color is absolutely perfect.
Huh? How about that? I'm sorry you don't like the other one.
Uh, Mrs.
Morgenstern, uh, did you take your pills today? Mama? - Mary, could I ask you something? - Yes.
Why are you wearing two scarves today? It seemed like a good idea at the time.
- Did you get that list I asked for? - Uh, what list? - Of film.
- What film? For the special we're doing tomorrow night.
And don't say, "What special?" - I won't.
- But you want to, right? Did I just go - Yes, you did.
- That's what I thought.
When I go it's a pretty good sign my blood pressure's getting up there.
My doctor says I've gotta learn to relax or give up drinking.
So I'm gonna learn to relax right now! - Murray? - What? - What special are we doing? - "Is Air Pollution Really So Bad?" What kind of a television station does a special favoring air pollution? One where the chairman of the board owns a smelting plant.
- Mary? - Yeah, Ted? Could I have that new insignia? This one's - Ted, I'm sorry.
I left it at home.
- You better go home and get it.
I tell you, I'll bring it in tomorrow.
I'm so busy today.
- I can't go on without that insignia.
- Well I've got somebody staying with me.
I'll call and see if she can bring it over.
The threads came loose.
Terrific! - She said she was gonna be in all day.
- What about my insignia? If she changed her plans, she would have told me.
- I want my insignia.
- Maybe she's in the shower.
- This has to be taken care of.
- Please, don't flap that at me.
Well, I'm not going to argue about this.
I'll just speak to Lou.
- Lou? - Mary, don't worry what he says to Lou.
He can't say anything intelligible unless I write it down for him.
She still hasn't answered.
- Mary, get that stuff for me.
- What stuff? Mary, come into my office.
Grant, I know what you wanna see me about.
I know what Ted told you.
I was supposed to bring in his W.
insignia today, and I forgot.
I left it at home.
I called my friend's mother, who is staying with me, to have her bring it, and she wasn't home which has me upset because - You know what's got me really upset? - I have no idea.
I just sounded nuts.
Sit down.
Mary, life is tough.
No, it's not really tough.
What do you mean, "not really"? I give you a cliche, three dumb words, and you wanna argue with me? - I said, "Life's tough.
" - Well, yes, it is.
It's a little tough.
It's getting tougher all the time.
I'm not interested in your friend's mother.
That's tough.
I'm not interested in whether Ted gets his insignia or not.
That's tough too.
I gotta come up with a bunch of reasons why pollution isn't so bad, or the chairman of the board's gonna get pretty upset at me.
- Like I said, "Life is tough.
" - You're right, Mr.
Life is-is tough.
You wanna know what else is tough? If you don't start shaping up I'm gonna have to fire you.
Do you mean that? No.
It's a scare tactic.
But I'll tell you what I do mean.
For the last few days, you've been doing a rotten job around here.
Oh, Mr.
Grant, I know.
The last couple of days, I've been a little off.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Not a little off.
Rotten! There's two things I'm trying to get through to you life is tough, and you've been rotten.
I have been.
It's just all I can think about is Rhoda and her mother.
I've let you down.
Murray's been doing half of my work for me.
The last couple of days, I've been just rotten.
Well, look, you know, you've been a little off, that's all.
No, I've been rotten.
What happened here? Mrs.
Morgenstern, where have you been? I've been calling all day.
I've been right here.
Now, don't get excited.
You didn't miss any messages.
Let's see.
At 11:00, somebody rang four times.
At 11:02, somebody rang six times.
And at 2:15, somebody rang fourteen times.
Listen, Mary, I've been noticing something.
You're getting nervous.
I think you should kick me out.
But, Mrs.
Morgenstern, I couldn't I wouldn't kick you out.
I know.
It'd be very hard for you because you're so fond of me.
But you ought to kick me out.
- But l-l - No, look.
Now, you tell me that it's crowded here.
Go ahead.
Well, it's-it's a little crowded.
All right, you see.
Now you're doing fine.
I understand that.
Now, you wanna make it easy for me to go back to New York and make yourself feel better even though you're kicking me out? Uh, yes.
- Then promise me you'll write.
- I promise.
- How often? - I'll write at least once a week.
Morgenstern, are you really going back to New York without seeing Rhoda? - It's okay.
I got a letter from her.
- A letter? Yeah.
She slipped it under the door.
Here we are.
I'll read it to you.
"Dear Ma Return the gift and make sure you get cash.
"Use it and the money in here to buy something for yourself, not me.
"I'm sorry I couldn't see you, but you know we'd end up yelling.
Love, Guess Who.
" Oh, that Rhoda, she's always clowning.
Not every mother has a daughter like that.
I wish I could see the daughter I got like that.
Rhoda, listen.
I've gotta talk to you.
l Rhoda, I've gotta talk to you.
- Well, come on in.
- Well, listen.
Could we talk out there? I feel a little funny here.
I'm sorry, Mary.
I gotta get this display done in a hurry.
I think the bride's in trouble.
Listen, uh, Rhoda, - You gonna ask how your mother is? - How is she? She's going home to New York tonight.
That's how she is.
- What do you want out of me? - Rhoda, would it hurt you so much to go down to the bus station and say good-bye to her and hello? - No, it wouldn't.
- Well, then? But if I go down to that bus station, I won't get off with just a good-bye.
I see her, it sets me back 20 years, minimum.
Well, then, uh, don't turn around.
Hello, 1950.
All right, I told her that you'd be working late tonight.
Boy, my mother.
You gotta hand it to her.
She's got a back that could break your heart.
Ah, come on.
I always cry at weddings.
Rhoda! - Mama.
- Oh, you make me so happy! - Let me take this.
- That's all right, dear.
Come on What do you got in here? Oh, come on, darling.
It's the greatest coat I ever saw.
Now let's return it.
- Just try it on, will you? - Try it on? Mama.
You take the money I send you and you buy me a coat like this.
This is ridiculous.
This must've cost, what You still leave the price tags in your gifts, don't you? Yeah.
Read it.
- Rhoda, you don't ask how much - Will you read it? - $495.
- Ma! Mrs.
Morgenstern, what Rhoda's trying to say is she doesn't want you spending the money she sends to you on presents for her.
But I was saving the money for her.
I don't need the money.
- Your father's doing very well.
- What are you talking about? A long time ago you wrote me that Dad had some big business reverses.
Reverses, yes, upwards.
Up until then he wasn't doing so hot.
- You've got money? - We're comfortable.
If she says, "We're comfortable," I think I'm an heiress.
Hey, Heiress, try on the coat.
All right.
Oh, Rhoda! Oh, Ma, this is gorgeous! Okay, you don't like it.
Give me it back.