The Mary Tyler Moore Show (1970) s01e05 Episode Script

Keep Your Guard Up

How will you make it on your own This world is awfully big And, girl this time you're all alone But it's time you started living It's time you let someone else do some giving Love is all around No need to waste it You can have the town Why don't you take it You might just make it After all You might just make it after all Mary, come in here and help me look! It's not on my desk.
I'm sure I left it in here.
Well, I can't find it, and I need it right now.
Why don't you go over there and sit down and let me look for it.
- Really, I'm good at finding things.
- All right.
That's not the way to look! This is the way to look.
You look through that, and I'll look through this.
- You look through the wastebasket.
- I always get the glamour job.
- When did you last see it? - See what? Whatever it is we're looking for.
If it's gum, I just found it.
- It's the Eric Matthews interview.
- Who's Eric Matthews? He's that guy who wrote that best-seller Are Men Obsolete.
- Ted has an interview with him.
- Yeah, for The Scrutiny Show.
Our spontaneous and unrehearsed look at people who make the news.
If we don't find that script, Ted goes in there spontaneous and unrehearsed.
That's bad.
Mr.
Grant's office.
- I'm not here.
- He heard you say you're not here.
- Who is it? - It's Ted.
- Where is he? - Ted, where are you? You're supposed to be here taping the Eric Matthews What did you say? - What did he say? - "Gotta foo huna four"? - "Gotta foo huna four"? - That sounds like Ted.
Ted, I can't understand Ted, do you have something in your mouth? A "memomener"? A thermometer.
You've got the flu and a temperature of 104.
Oh, Ted.
Just tell him to stay in bed and take it easy.
We'll figure something out.
Ted, you are just to stay in bed and not to worry.
We'll find a replacement.
Good-bye, Ted.
What are we gonna do about the 6:00 news tonight? - Don't worry.
We have a standby.
- Who? You? What's so strange about that? I was in radio.
Only, my hair went out about the time TV came in.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
This is Murray L.
Slaughter substituting for Ted Baxter.
Welcome to Scrutiny.
- Tonight's guest is Eric Matthews - Murray? That's what we've been looking for.
Where'd you find it? - I just picked it up.
- Oh, never mind where you find it.
- Go down and tape that interview.
- Are you kidding? Look, it's ten after 5:00 now.
At 6:00 I'm making my TV debut.
That gives me less than an hour to check the wires, write my own copy and get a hair transplant.
Mary, you're gonna have to interview Matthews.
Me? Oh, no, Mr.
Grant.
I don't think I could do that.
I mean, I'm not ready to Not that I'm not flattered.
It's just that to go on camera in-in front of Will you calm down? I didn't mean you'd go on the air.
I mean you'd go down to the studio, read the questions to Matthews while we tape him.
Then when Ted's better, we tape him asking the questions.
And then you take me out and edit him in later.
- Right.
- Oh, well.
I think I could do that.
That'll probably be a lot of fun.
Check that mike.
Harry, we'll start camera two on Matthews.
- Tom, I'm substituting for Ted.
- Right.
- Sit down so we can line you up? - Okay.
Put camera three on Mary.
- Excuse me.
- We'll tape in two minutes, Mary.
- Uh, Mr.
Matthews? - Where am I? Uh, you're in the studio.
- Yeah, what city? - Minneapolis.
Oh, well.
- Thank you.
- Hi.
I'm sorry.
I've been on this tour promoting my book so long - All the cities are running together.
- Oh, really? Like for instance, the other day I was sitting in my hotel room in Newark Iooking out the window at the beautiful view, and I realized if it was a beautiful view it couldn't be Newark.
- It must really be exhausting.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
by guys who've never read the book.
- Whose first question is always - Will you tell us about your book? Right.
And then "What gave you the idea to write it?" - Yeah, inane questions like that.
- Right.
Well, that takes care of the first two questions I was gonna ask you.
Then, the questions are rather good.
It's just my answers are dumb.
Right? - Ted.
- Oh, no.
No, no.
That's not my Ted.
- I mean, I'm I'm not Ted Baxter.
- Oh, no.
- But you knew that already.
- Yeah, I figured.
I'm Mary Richards.
I'm the associate producer on the show.
Ted is sick.
So, I will ask you the questions he would have asked you.
Then later they'll take me out and edit him in.
Oh.
I'm sorry Ted's sick.
We were supposed to go out afterwards.
I got an idea, though.
Uh, why don't I take you out afterwards and we can edit Ted in later? Stand by for air.
- How 'bout dinner? - We'll talk about that later.
- Okay.
- In two! Good evening and welcome to Scrutiny.
I'm Ted Baxter.
And tonight - Have you written other books? - Three others, but they didn't do well.
Why did this book do so well and the others didn't? Well, in the first place, this one got published.
Can you tell me when did you first begin to think that Are Men Obsolete was gonna be a best-seller? When I saw that they'd put a picture of a naked lady on the cover.
Well, I see our time is up.
Our thanks to Eric Matthews.
This is Ted Baxter.
And we'll be back next week with Scrutiny.
Wait a minute.
I'd like to ask you a question, if I may.
- When are we gonna go to dinner? - We'll talk about that later.
- When? - Over dinner.
- And cut! - Tom, I'm sorry about this last part.
Don't worry, Mary.
It's only tape.
We'll cut it out later.
Okay, fellas, it's a wrap.
- Okay, where should we go for dinner? - I know of a cute little place Oh, gee, I had a great time tonight.
You know, usually a date means dinner or the movies or something.
- But, tonight was really different.
- How different? Building a snowman in front of the Women's Lib headquarters is different.
Yeah.
I thought they'd get a kick out of watching him melt.
- You have a nice little apartment.
- Thank you.
- I see you've won your letter.
- Yeah.
- Would you like some coffee? - Oh, no, thanks.
I love that print.
I've got that at home.
- How 'bout some brandy? - Oh, no, thank you.
- Cigarette? - No, thanks.
I don't smoke.
Even before all the new evidence about smoking came out, I never did.
I was always afraid it would stunt my health.
You know something? I think I'm gonna quit smoking.
Good for you! That shows you got real willpower.
Nope, I'm out of cigarettes.
Hey! Did I make it? No, you're short.
Gee, tonight was great, Eric, the whole evening the dinner, the snowman, the art museum.
You got a nice collection here Matisse, Van Gogh.
My favorite artist, Toulouse-Lautrec - What's What's that? - Huh? It's my pillow to sit on.
Height, you know.
On these TV tours, you never know what you're gonna run into.
Not every television studio has nice tall chairs like you.
- There are none in here.
- What? Cigarettes.
I decided to take up smoking again.
- Is there a drugstore around? - Yeah, just down the street.
- About two doors.
- Okay.
- I'll be back in a couple of minutes.
- Okay.
Where's Harpo and Chico? I, uh I, uh I was just, um, walking funny.
Just, uh, been walking funny all night.
I don't know what's gotten into me.
- Where you been, Mar? - Out on a date.
- How was it? - Well, I don't know.
It's not over yet.
I don't know how to break it to you, but you're all alone.
Yeah, well, he's gonna be back any second.
- Rhoda, could I ask a big favor? - Sure.
What? - Please go.
- Can't I meet him? - No! - Is he somebody I'm going out with? - Mary, you don't have to sneak around.
- Would you just listen? Mary, please.
Do I have to figure out what's wrong with this guy, or are you gonna tell me why you don't want me to meet him? All right, I'll tell you why I don't want you to meet him.
It's because of this.
I understand.
He needs it because he's very short.
What's he do, stand on it? That's why I don't want you to meet him.
You'll say something like that.
Thanks a lot.
You really think I'd make a derogatory remark about a person just because he's a shrimp? Do you see what I mean? Ah, the drugstore was closed, so I guess I'll quit smoking again.
Hi.
Got a cigarette? Eric, I'd like you to meet my friend, Rhoda Morgenstern.
Rhoda, this is Eric Shrimp.
Oh, good one, Mary.
Just put the eye makeup on your mouth.
That's because you're upset.
You know how I know you're upset? Not because you put mascara your mouth.
'Cause you're talking to yourself.
You wanna watch that, kid.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- So how'd it go last night? - Rhoda, what's the matter with me? Eric is intelligent, he's funny, he's good looking.
- And short.
- Very short.
You know what I am? I found out something about myself that's pretty upsetting.
- I'm a height bigot.
- My best friend, a bigot.
Right.
Why else would I be so hung up about height? Last night, I kept telling myself about all his great qualities.
Yet all I could think about was He asked me to go out with him tomorrow night.
I lied.
I said I was busy just because he's short.
- My father's short.
- It didn't bother your mother, did it? Bother her? She's the one who made him short.
He was over six feet when they got married.
Go ahead.
Joke about it if you want, but I just don't think I can.
I don't think it's funny to be a bigot.
I'm gonna do something about it right now.
I don't think you can turn yourself in for that.
Eric Matthews, please.
I'm gonna go out with him, and I'm gonna wear high heels.
I am gonna stand up straight and not think about being taller than he is.
I hope he takes me dancing.
Hello, Eric? And so ladies and gentlemen, until tomorrow.
This is Murray L.
Slaughter, substituting for Ted Baxter, saying good news and good night.
Hey, fellas, how was I? Hey, Lou.
Catch the news? - Uh-huh.
- How'd I do? Well, you know me, Murray.
I don't go around passing out idle compliments.
I wouldn't say you were great if I didn't think so.
Hey, Lou, what about that new feature I put in"Animals in the News"? Oh, yeah, I wanted to speak to you about that.
- Yes? - Don't do it again.
Mary, when the people found out I was doing the news, we got a lot of calls.
- Right? - Uh, well, one.
One call.
Well, who was it? It was Ted calling to find out if he had a lot of calls because he wasn't here.
Keep up the fair work, Murray.
Hey, Lou, I wanna talk to you about that animal feature.
- Hi, Mary.
- Hi, Eric.
I'll be right with you.
Sorry I'm late.
I just got this jacket and wanted them to take the emblem off.
- It's beautiful.
Where'd you get it? - Robertsons.
They have a marvelous men's shop.
Yeah? I got this at the boy's department.
- Well, where we going tonight? - The Stop 'N' Save.
- That's a supermarket.
- Right.
I'm a great cook and I wanted to watch that interview we did.
- So I wanted to cook dinner for you.
- Sounds marvelous.
- Let's go.
- Even if it's from the boys department.
- It's a great-looking jacket.
- Thank you.
- Why'd you take the emblem off? - It was a ducky.
Tell me, Eric.
When did you first think that Are Men Obsolete might be a best-seller? When I saw that they'd put a picture of a naked lady on the cover.
Here comes the part they had to cut out where you asked me to dinner.
Our thanks to Eric Matthews.
This is Murray L.
Slaughter, in for Ted Baxter, saying so long Wait a minute.
I'd like to ask you a question, if I may.
You never said when we were gonna go to dinner.
We'll talk about that later.
- When? - "Over dinner"? I thought they were gonna cut that out.
We've got a new tape editor, and he's a - Little juiced.
- Right.
Hey, I've been interviewed a thousand times, and that's the first time I asked the guy interviewing me for a date.
- You got any wine vinegar? - It's on the shelf over the stove.
Ah.
- Could you give me a hand, Mary? - Oh, sure.
- Shall we have coffee inside? - Inside? Well, you see, in a one-room apartment, we call this area the inside.
- Yeah.
That must be the outside.
- No, that's the dining room.
- Cream and sugar? - No, thanks.
I'll take it without it.
Well, how do you like 'em? - What? - You were looking at my shoes, no? No, no, I wasn't.
l-I was I was looking at the floor.
Mm-hmm.
And the distance between it and my shoes.
- Really, I wasn't.
- Uh-huh.
I assure you, Mary, my feet do touch the floor whenever I walk.
- They'd almost have to, wouldn't they? - Right! I really have to talk to you.
It bothers you that that I'm shorter.
No, it doesn't.
You're not self-conscious about my height? No, I'm not.
When we're together, I'm not self-conscious about your height.
I'm self-conscious about my height.
I mean, if I were an even five feet instead of five-six - Honey, you're more than five-six.
- All right, I'm five-seven.
- So, I'm 2 inches taller than you.
- You're four inches taller.
- Does it bother you? - Does what bother me? That you're one to four inches shorter than I am? I learned to deal with that years ago when I played Doc in the school play.
I thought they were doing Mr.
Roberts, but they were really doing Snow White.
You know, that's really fantastic to be able to kid yourself like that.
If you like the author, you'll love the book.
- The book? - Yeah, my new manuscript.
I needed a title before I sent it to my publisher, and you gave it to me.
Toulouse-Lautrec Is One Of My Favorite Artists.
I, uh, didn't think you heard me say that.
Well, anyway, you named the book.
Now I'd like you to read it.
- You mean right now? - Yeah.
Okay.
- You dedicated it to me.
- I thought it was appropriate.
Eric, I've never had anyone watch me read an entire book before.
- Sorry.
I'll go out and take a walk.
- Okay, that's a good idea.
You don't have to walk me to the door.
You're wasting valuable reading time.
Right.
Well, it wasn't exactly magic, was it? - I just love - Who do you just love? - I thought you were Eric.
- You just love Eric? Yeah.
No.
I love his new book.
- His new book? - Yeah, look at that.
- Mary, he dedicated it to you.
- Yeah.
- That's as good as a proposal, kid.
- Oh, come on.
How can I describe how I feel about you, my best friend, getting married? - Rhoda, I am not - It's a mixture of envy and hostility.
But incidentally, I'm happy for you too.
- Rhoda, will you listen - Mary, you listen to me.
Now, about your reception, here's the plan.
When you throw your bouquet, fade back like you're gonna throw it to the back.
Then when the other girls move back, I'll move up quick and then you just lob it to me.
- You want to hear about Eric and me? - Yeah, in detail.
- You know when you're dating? - No.
You know that despite all the evidence to the contrary, - that you are really just good friends? - Yeah.
Well, that's the way it is with Eric and me.
We are just good friends.
When you're single and 30, there are no men friends.
They're either fiances or rejects.
Eric, I can't wait to tell you what I think of this book.
Wait till I say hi to Rhoda.
Hi, Rhoda.
Tell me about the book.
It's warm, it's witty, it's funny, it's - What's the matter? - Nothing.
I'm just trying to figure out how to get you a job as a book reviewer.
- What's the book about? - It's all about being short.
Mary, could you be more delicate? He's got feelings too, you know.
- No, Rhoda, that is the whole point.
- That is exactly my point.
My point is that everybody feels left out.
They're stuck with something, like shortness.
Like some people's shortness is tallness.
- What? - Well Tell her about it, Eric.
- Did you get to the high school part? - Not yet.
Let's talk about that high school part.
I don't like to throw this around, but I happen to be a high school graduate.
You know what I'm talking about.
Here is my theory.
Now, in every high school there is a guy who is captain of the football team.
- Yeah.
- He is also student body president.
- Yes, of course, always.
- Now he's going with this girl - Uh-huh.
- who is head cheerleader.
She's also most popular, right? And she's also senior-class secretary, right? - Yes.
- These two people are very happy.
Every school has two happy people, and everybody else is miserable.
- Yeah.
It's like being short, right? - Right.
I have a confession.
When I was in school, I had a problem like shortness.
- Try and guess what it was.
- You were a fat kid.
That's close, Shorty.
Do you know what it's like for a girl to be overweight? You know what it's like for a guy to be under height? I got all the jobs nobody else wanted science editor of the school newspaper.
- Business manager of the yearbook.
- Ah.
What were you, Mary? Why don't I just heat up some coffee? - Mary? - I'd really rather not say.
- Come on.
It can't be that bad.
- It's worse.
I was head cheerleader.
- And most popular.
- Oooh.
Eric, I'm so glad you're here.
She does this to me all the time.
She tries to make me feel guilty for having been happy in high school.
You're the first person I ever met who could handle her.
That's her Midwestern way of saying she thinks we're meant for each other.
Okay, let's see if we are.
I was assistant equipment manager for the wrestling team.
- What kind of equipment do they have? - Very little.
I played the bass drum in the marching band.
You think that's bad? I couldn't get a date to go to the senior prom.
- Did you get asked? - Yes.
- Ah-ha! - Four years after I graduated.
What did you get for a graduation gift? - Socks.
- I got a belt buckle.
- Mary, what did you get? - Oh, uh - What? - A car.
Oooh.
Now, wait a minute.
It was an old car.
It was secondhand.
- One of the doors wouldn't even open.
- Did it run? Uh, yes.
No, wait.
Hey, guys.
It was a Hudson.
- A brown Hudson.
- Oh.
And so, ladies and gentlemen, this is Murray L.
Slaughter, substituting for Ted Baxter, saying good news and good night.
- I give up! - What's the matter? Some people are so unappreciative.
This is my last day of filling in for Ted, and nobody even bothered to call.
We had a lot of calls after your appearance with Eric Matthews.
You did? Why didn't you tell me, Lou? Uh, we didn't think you'd really wanna know.
Sure I wanna know, Mary.
What kind of calls did we get? A lot of people wanted to know how your dinner date with Eric turned out.