The Mayor (2017) s01e01 Episode Script


1 Alright.
So, for my first act as mayor - I'm going to - (interrupts) (sheepishly) I'm sorry.
You really aren't the Mayor, Brandon.
We're actors.
The show hasn't even premiered, yet.
So, I shouldn't give everyone early access to the first episode? - ABC told me I could.
- Oh! (whispers) Well, please do.
Exciting! Hope you guys like it.
Courtney: My city love me, never catch me on the wrong street Hustle all I do, but do it to a strong beat Yeah, I'm Courtney Rose, and I grew up out the concrete But come and see me where I live, man But come and see me where I live, man - Come and see me where I live, man - [Cellphone ringing] But come and see me where I live, man I be right here.
Right here.
Come and see me where I live, man But come and see me where I live, man - I'm Beverly Michaels - Come and see me, I'll be right here reporting live here at the intersection of First and Main, - where you can see right behind me - There she is! I missed you, gorgeous! Where your fine twin sister at? Damn! How you doin', shorty? What, what? I can't control who says hi to me.
Yeah, maybe you did need a dad after all.
[Chuckles] What's up, Ma? How was work? Oh, no, I can't even talk about it.
I can't do it.
Not today.
- You know my manicurist, Roberta? - Is it weird that I do? - And you know my gas station guy, Maurice? - Yeah, it's weird.
Well, guess what they have in common.
A secret baby! You know how I found out? You read his mail.
No! I read her mail.
- Oh! Check it out.
It's on.
- [Theme music plays] All right.
Channel 8's Gabby Montoya reports.
Gabby: If you haven't heard the name Courtney Rose, you're not alone.
Wasn't she in "Bachelor in Paradise?" Grow old, Netflix and chill Gabby: He's a 27-year-old struggling rapper who performs at small shows in Northern California.
Now he's adding a new title to his playlist candidate for mayor.
So, yeah, it turns out it's super easy to run for local office.
Step one, get 200 signatures.
Step two, don't be a felon.
And I don't go to trial till next year.
I'm just playing, Ma.
I love you.
But organizing a campaign takes help.
Enter Rose's two best friends from high school.
So So we couldn't have done it without our generous donors.
Mastercard, Discover, Visa.
- Yeeza.
- What? It's Yeez Yeezy's Visa.
- Oh.
[Laughs] Oh! - [Cellphone rings] - Mm-hmm.
- Hello.
[Clears throat] You've reached Courtney Rose for Mayor and/or T.
's personal cellphone.
How may I direct your call? One woman not voting for Rose his old classmate and rival campaign manager, Valentina Barella.
Courtney Rose is a know-nothing egomaniac whose entire campaign is a stunt.
Voters won't fall for that.
Not in America.
Is Courtney Rose for real, or is he just an election sideshow? - Either way, this local rapper - In the name of Jehovah, - will have to beat - why are you doing this? - the competition.
- Why does anyone in my generation - Gabby Montoya, Channel 8 News.
- do anything? Attention.
Ma, okay.
H-Hear me out.
I know I'm a good rapper.
Nothing that spent nine months in me is good.
You are great.
One of the greats, yes, but nobody's ever even heard of me.
I know.
It baffles me, too.
I mean, you know how long I've been tryin' to go up at The 8:30 Club, but just you watch.
This campaign is gonna change all of that.
If you want to get discovered, just do it the old-fashioned way by waiting for a nice old Jewish man to give you his business card.
Or people see my name in the news, they look at my music, the labels start circling.
I'm like, "Guys, guys, it's too much too fast.
" You know, just to be dramatic.
And next thing you know, me and Taylor Swift are doing a Super Bowl performance that red and blue states can enjoy.
Lord, thank you for making him cute, because, otherwise, we'd be in big trouble.
Oh, tell him not to miss the debate.
Wait, Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma.
You know what? It's really dope that we're roommates.
It's like we're fam but also like we're fam.
It's like you my mama, but at the same time, - it's like you my ma.
I love you! - Mnh-mnh.
Come and see me where I live, man Come and see me where I live, man Come and see me, I'll be right here, Fort Grey Right here all day Right here in Northern California - Boy: Go get it.
Go get it, boy.
- [Dog barking] - Come and see me where I live, man - - Good boy.
Courtney: What's up, little man? You, uh, protecting our city's Aah! Yep, you probably shouldn't touch stuff like that.
Ernie wanted to play.
He thinks it's a park because he's a dog and dogs are dumb.
Yo, you know, when I was your age, there wasn't all this trash here.
Me and my boys, we would come here to freestyle.
And there was this rapper, Mac Etcetera, we always wanted to be.
You're a rapper? Like Eminem, Macklemore, - and Iggy Azalea? - Hmm.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that list is hella problematic, but, yes, I am a rapper.
All right, man.
Get home safe.
All right.
Same house, same bike, same crew, same gripe Man, only thing changed is the shoes - T.
! Jermaine! - Ah! Here we are.
It's the big debate.
After this, I will be blowin' up on the charts.
I wonder if I should cut off my non-famous friends.
I mean, like, I-I'll miss 'em, but it's like what do we even talk about, you know? - Okay.
- I've already done the mic check.
They tried telling me it was too loud, but I told 'em, "Trust me.
" They were right.
It was too loud.
- It was too loud.
- Oh, Valentine Barella! My 10th-grade lab partner, now my political adversary.
So what's the messaging tonight, huh? [Rapping] My name is Courtney, and I'm here to say - That's not bad.
- Don't worry.
You have nothing to lose tonight except your street cred, your dignity, and your self-respect.
Small stuff.
Good luck.
- Ouch! - That hurt my feelings.
Aaron: The Honorable Ellen Trout, Councilman Ed Gunt, and Courtney Rose rapper.
- [Whistling] - Whoo-whoo-whoo! - Courtney! - I'm a nervous wreck.
He didn't prep.
He refused to put on foundation.
Why do you have makeup? What? Wow.
That's a little queerphobic, but okay.
You're not queer.
With intolerance like that in the world, thank God.
- You know what? - Nope.
You said it.
Rose, as mayor, would you uphold or overturn the Grover-Stevens bill to expand school choice? Uh, Grover-Stevens? Uh, sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I-I happen to be tight with Grover-Stevens.
- [Chuckles] - Grover and Stevens, big guy.
- It's two people.
- [Laughter] But is is this bill good, or is it bad? I mean, who are we, really, to judge? Because at the end of the day, there's only one judge that matters a young carpenter.
[Chuckles] [Laughter] Okay.
You know what this is.
Don't fall for it.
This is a funny distraction.
It's cute.
I like it.
I like you.
So let's laugh at this and get back to work fixing our city.
[Applause] As you know, Drea, I am the proud son of a steelworker and her husband.
- [Chuckles] Yes.
- [Audience "awws"] My folks weren't rich, but what they lacked in wealth they made up for with love.
- [Audience "awws"] - Point being, I'm proud to have led the effort to restore the City Commons, - which is now well under way.
- Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold up.
Um, it's not every day that you [Chuckles] hear "proud" and "City Commons" used in the same sentence.
I mean, I was just there.
Have you actually ever been there, Mr.
Gunt? - I know these people have.
- [Cheers and applause] [Chuckles] I mean, there is so much trash, Google Maps has it listed as a mountain.
- [Laughter] - You know what I'm saying? Like, a saw a rat riding a toboggan down one of them things the other day.
It's so much trash, Bravo gave it a second season.
[Laughter, applause] Which is why I pledge that, by 2020, all that trash will be gone.
And by "gone," he means underneath the new trash from 2018 and 2019.
I mean, come on, help me out here, fam.
I mean, how many of y'all drove here today in a busted-up car from all of our busted-up streets? And who's going home tonight to a building with boarded-up windows? I mean, hey, it beats looking at all that gang graffiti, though, right? [Cheers and applause] I mean, don't don't tell us about our reality, Mr.
Because we live our reality every day.
I hate to interrupt the dog-and-pony show, but urban development, it takes time.
You wouldn't know that.
What are you doing? Oh, I'm just calling [bleep].
- Okay.
- Mr.
Rose, now seems like a fitting time for this question.
Are you running for mayor of Fort Grey, or are you promoting a rap album? Wow.
Wow, I have to say that I am hurt that you think that I would be here to sell some silly album that's already available on my website Can we stop this? Can a grown-up please intervene? These lovely voters have been asking that same question for 25 years.
Pow, pow! You know what? You folks have been great.
I'm Courtney Rose! Out! Peace! [Theme music plays] Welcome back to Channel 8's around-the-clock election coverage.
This is incredible.
Ever since the debate last week, my mix tape is getting some crazy love.
Guess how many total downloads.
Conservative? 20 million.
20 million? Brah, that would put me in between The Beatles and Rihanna.
Forgive me for believing in you, Courtney.
And, Beau, it looks like we'll be able - to do that right away.
- What's happening? - Mom, we all out of the good soap? - our friends from Fort Grey Free Press - have the election calculations for us.
- The antibacterial? Why isn't every soap antibacterial? - And I certainly cannot.
- Shh! It appears as if local rapper Courtney Rose is our projected winner in the race for mayor - of Fort Grey, California.
- [Toilet flushes] - Oh! - Wow! What? What happened? Wow.
What happened is you the mayor.
Well [bleep].
- Hey, this has to be a mistake.
- [Telephone ringing] I mean, Russia clearly tampered with the voting machines, right? I don't think it's a mistake, man.
I mean, the media is never wrong.
- So what do I do? - [Cellphones ringing] I mean, how do you go about not being the mayor? Well, the first step would probably be not running for mayor.
- Okay, you want my two cents? - [Groans] Uh, listen.
Hear me out, okay? I say you serve for one day only.
That way, you can get the scissors.
- The scissors? - The scissors.
The The The giant scissors they give mayors to cut ribbons.
It's politics 101, man.
Come on, stop playin'.
Oh, yeah, I-I'm gonna go down to City Hall and tell the clerk, "Hard pass, but I'm still putting this on my résumé.
" - Oh, no.
No, you - No! Go get the scissors.
- Yes, I am, because - Fire! Oh, oh, oh! [Sour notes play] Wh-Where is it?! It just means that we're going out to the fire escape to have a talk.
I can see how it can be a little confusing.
Dina, you can't yell "fire" - at black people like that.
- That's all you had to say.
- I'm skittish.
I get to - You got to leave it.
I've given you a lot of straight talk on this, uh oh, let's just call it a balcony.
"The fountain at the mall is not a pool, Courtney.
No, you will not be piercing that, Courtney.
" [Sighs] Courtney, listen to me.
You put your name on a ballot.
In this country, that means something.
It carries consequences.
It's you telling the people, "I want to make your life better.
" And tonight, the people said, "Okay.
" Yeah, but they couldn't just buy my ringtone? [Sighs] Tell me something.
Why do you rap? That cash-money lifestyle, obviously.
Do not be cute.
You rap because you're you're a commentator.
You're an observer.
You critique the status quo.
Baby, maybe now you can actually change it.
Ma, I have to say, that was hella poignant.
[Dog barking in distance] You know what, Ma? I think I got this.
- Damn right you do.
- Yeah.
Who my baby? My baby the mayor! [Clears throat] [Gasps] Whoa! Whoa! What are you I'm sorry.
Did I invade your privacy? Get used to it.
You're a public figure now.
Cream with three sugars.
Are you here to, like, assassinate me? [Chuckles] Well, we'll see how the conversation goes.
Courtney [Sighs] I want to run your staff.
If I can turn all of this into a halfway functioning mayor, well, then I will just join the pantheon of female political masterminds, just crushing every Kellyanne Conway and Donna Brazile in my path.
I'm very intimidated by other women's success.
That was a joke.
Courtney, listen, do yourself a favor.
Let me help you.
I know it needs to get done, and I know how to do it.
You do bring a lot to the table.
Three citywide campaigns, two years with the Comptroller, and what does that all add up to? A very unsexy LinkedIn page.
Like, seriously, you got to zazz - this up or something.
- Okay.
I'm gonna need to know that you're committed, 'cause I don't work seven days a week for someone who's not.
Well, to show how committed I am, I am going to clear my entire touring schedule.
I doubt you have a touring schedule, but we'll go with it.
[Sighs] So it's a deal.
Great, and, look, Courtney, I've been around a lot of politicians, and you have something special.
- Yeah, what's that? - Me.
It's in the - Let's go to work - Yeah, go to work Yeah, go to work Yeah - Go to work - [Camera shutter clicks] I found you the absolute best staffers in the county but they weren't available.
I'm Kitty Kavanagh.
I'm handling your press.
- I'm very excited to learn your voice.
- Oh, boy.
- Dick Papadopolous, DMV guy.
- Hi.
We let people self-report their weight on licenses, so I'm okay bending the truth.
- [Clears throat] Okay.
- Thank you for that.
I'll remember that.
It's disturbing.
Okay, we will get started.
- Sorry we're late.
- What's up? - Hey! - We had to buy notebooks.
Uh, I'm assuming we bill this to the city? I'll start a file.
- What's going on? - Huh? Oh.
I hired a few staffers.
These boys know Fort Grey inside and out.
And if I needed a pizza delivered in 60 minutes or less, - they would be my guys.
- I can do it in 12.
Doesn't matter.
All right, so, we start the transition with figuring out the first 100 days.
What I like to do is use index cards to organize the important issues.
So, as you can see, green index cards are for fiscal issues, obviously.
Blue index cards are for social issues.
- Red index cards are for - Oh, if I hear "index cards" one more time, - I'm going out the window.
- Mm-hmm.
No revolution in history has ever started - with the words "index cards.
" - Preach, Courtney.
Why did 52% of the city vote for me? Because they are sick and tired of hearing what phonies intend to do.
What did you have in mind, she asked with a tone.
- The City Commons.
- Mm-hmm.
People really feel connected to the place.
They remember hanging out there back in the day like we used to.
I say we transform - that hideous dump - Yes.
Into the most beautiful dump you have ever seen.
And the best part about it We can do it right now without spending a dime.
- Now, wait a minute.
- Uh-huh.
- Did you say right now - Uh-huh.
- without spending a dime? - Yes, I did.
- But how? - By doing what we do, throwing the party of the millennium! Beer, barbecue, brooms, buckets! - Turn up and clean up.
- Boom.
Okay, Courtney, I love a party just as much as the next guy, but there's a process.
- You need a permit.
You need the - So we'll get a permit.
And we can round up people in hours.
I mean, Jermaine, how long did it take to gather people for my "Red Sky" video? - Less than a month.
- Took us a day.
Well, we had to wait for Wild Man to get here.
Oh, you remember Wild Man? - Right.
- Okay, Wild Man.
- Look, trust me.
- Forgot about him.
- Once we pull this off, - Wild man.
the voters will only have one question "Why'd it take 25 years?" - Oh.
- Come on.
Did y'all feel that? - Did y'all feel that? - Write a book.
Work, work, work, work, work, work He seh mi haffi work, work, work, work, work, work He si mi duh mi dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt Suh mi bedda work, work, work, work, work, work He seh mi haffi work, work, work, work, work, work He seh mi haffi work, work, work, work, work, work He si mi duh mi dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt Suh mi bedda work, work, work, work, work, work When yuh ah guh learn, learn, learn, learn, learn, learn What's up, Fort Grey, Californ-i-a?! [Cheers and applause] I just want to thank you all for proving my long-held conviction that anything is possible if you load people up on cheap beer.
- Yes.
- [Laughter] Courtney.
But, seriously, after this, if you all could please - come back to my apartment.
- Okay, maybe go up there.
- Yeah.
Okay, okay.
- My closet is a disaster.
Okay, baby, give me the thing.
Hey! Is he a bundle from heaven or what? Thank you for helping us at City Commons, but there's still work to do, so I need you to pick up trash and not just get trashed, huh? - Mr.
Mayor-elect? - All right! I'm afraid to even ask, but you did remember the permit, right? Classic.
Oh, sh Great.
Oh, I knew I forgot something, - and that something - Mm-hmm.
is my permit-having victory dance! Like, what? Okay.
All right.
[Laughs] Love it.
I'm almost impressed.
I could bust the worm if I had more space.
- I could do backflips.
- [Laughs] - Yo, man, I feel so fulfilled.
- Yeah.
- It's kind of like we're both the mayor, - [Cellphone ringing] - you know? - Hello.
Yeah, man.
Um Like, for real? No, no.
No, no, no, no.
Um, uh, let let me let me call you right back.
- Wrong number? - That was the booker from The 8:30 Club.
Their opener canceled, and they thought about, "How about the mayor kid?" Brah, guess who's headlining.
- Who? - Mac Etcetera.
Ah! - When is it?! - Uh, it's happening in about eight minutes.
I would be insane not to go, right? I mean, the second hand is moving crazy fast.
No, no, no, Courtney, look, if I was you, here's what I would do.
I would ask me, and I, you, would tell you, me, don't go.
Oh, so you're conflicted, too.
Courtney, l-look.
Look at this party, man.
There's still work to do, man, and you made a commitment to all these people.
Courtney! Who the greatest player walkin', but they tell you I'm the champ - Better catch me if you can - Come on, come on.
You gonna miss me when I'm gone, son Where the Mac gonna go next, I don't know But you can bet I'm gonna be on one - [Indistinct conversations] - Hey, - have you seen Courtney? - Uh i-is that him, blue stripes? The white guy? Yeah, that that ain't him.
- Has anyone seen Courtney? - Fort Grey.
I want y'all to make some noise for the next mayor of Fort Grey, California, Courtney Rose.
[Cheers and applause] [Siren wailing, tire screetches] - Officer.
- Mm-hmm.
E-Everything all right? We've received several noise complaints, and I'm gonna need to see a public-assembly permit.
You are in luck because we have one of those.
Where's Courtney? That is something I'm also wondering because I don't know where Courtney is.
[Indistinct conversations] Okay.
But I came up just in Drake's club - When you get up, don't step back - Hey! Officer, why don't you give me your phone number, and maybe I can just text you a picture of the permit later tonight? That didn't sound like a solicitation, did it? I'm not giving you my phone number.
Officer: Party's over, folks.
Vacate the premises.
- [Crowd booing] - Go home.
- All right, let's go.
- Oh! Don't touch me! Dina: I am a mail woman.
Do you want your Christmas cards showing up in March? If I have to say it again, citations will be issued.
Citations? Oh, I'll take a citation if you can tell me one person up in here that knows what a citation is.
- You don't even know what a - Dina.
I got this what a citation is.
I know what an arrest is.
Arrest? I'd like to see you try.
The prison industrial complex.
If I come out of here a killer, that's on you.
Thank you all so much right now! Thank you to Mac Etcetera! You just made a childhood dream come true.
I just hope the clink didn't break your spirit.
I'm here, I'm here! I got your message, Ma.
Guys, look, can I - can I just say real quick - Dina: You know what you can say? You can say nothing.
That's what you can say.
You basically handcuffed and arrested your own mother.
Our mother.
And you wonder why she likes me more than you.
- No, T.
- Well, agree to disagree.
Look, we put our reputations on the line for you, Courtney, a-and I barely have one as it is.
You know what? I'm out.
I'm done.
- I don't have a ride.
- Mm-hmm.
Dina: Fool, come on.
You know, Courtney? [Sighs] I feel bad for the 52% of the people who voted for you because you just made a fool out of all of them.
Courtney: I'm sorry, Ma.
I am so embarrassed.
Courtney, I am your mother.
I have been your mother since I was 16 years old.
And no matter what penitentiary you send me to, you are my son, and I'll believe in you.
But, unfortunately, everyone else in the world ain't your mama.
I know.
I-I wish they had locked me up instead of you.
Okay, well, first choice, neither one of us being locked up.
Courtney, listen.
This is not about you anymore.
Your actions have consequences for a lot of people, our people.
Your failures are their failures.
I know what I have to do.
Do you want to say it first, or you want me to say it - just to make sure we're on the same page? - Are you kidding me right now?! Okay, we'll we'll compare notes later.
That's fine.
- [Keys jingle] - [Engine starts] - [Cellphone rings] - Hi.
You've reached Courtney Rose.
[Laughs] Leave a message.
Where's Courtney? What? What, guys? What's so important that you couldn't tell me over the phone? - Um - Courtney is no longer with us.
Okay, that was a weird way to phrase that.
I mean we can't find him.
Indifference with subtle notes of disdain.
Yeah, I see that.
I'm not joining your search party, and this isn't one of those situations where I say one thing and then I eventually cave.
I'm serious.
Stop looking at me.
Okay, let's go find him.
- All right.
- Thank you.
- Val, we checked everywhere.
- Did you check the commons? Okay, we did not check everywhere.
It all looks amazing.
- Oh, my God.
- Wow.
Look at this place.
There's my man! I can't believe he finished this.
Man, this is the most beautiful dump I have ever seen.
Hey, guys.
I figured I had some unfinished business, so I, uh, put in a couple extra hours.
We were just worried about you, man, and and angry with you.
It was very complicated.
- I mean, this rich emotional stew.
- Yeah.
Courtney: Sorry.
I'm sorry, guys.
I turned my phone off so I could avoid distractions.
Oh, I could never turn off my phone.
- What? - What? I-I get Internet on this thing.
I ain't never had an Internet phone.
You know, you didn't have to do all this by yourself, Courtney.
You could've called me.
I mean, I had stuff.
And I wouldn't have been there, but Val No, no, no, no.
I needed to do all of this all by my lonesome.
I wouldn't have had it any other way.
Court, I think we're close.
- Hmm.
- No.
I can do the rest if you want to take off.
There is a tiny man behind you.
Yeah, I don't know who that is.
- I'm telling your mama.
- Come on.
You are a lot of things, Courtney Rose.
But you're not hopeless.
I see a lot of hope in this junkyard and a clear violation of child-labor laws.
Come on, we got to get you some sleep.
It might be your last chance for the next four years.
This job is four years? - Yeah.
- I thought it was ju - Come on.
- Nah, it's okay.
Music can wait, right? I got a job to do.
Right here in Northern California You should probably holler at me [Laughs] Courtney Rose, is this what I think it is? Mm-hmm.
If you think that is an index card, then, yeah, sure, that's exactly what it is.
Someone is planning their first 100 days.
[Laughs] That's how I roll.
- All right.
- Aw, nah.
- Come on.
Let me see.
- Okay.
That's actually really impressive.
- [Sighs] Right? - I'm really glad you said that.
Because when I'm in my creative process, I go to a really dark place.
- And so to see that - Well It looks like Fort Grey is in some pretty good hands.