The Mayor (2017) s01e04 Episode Script

City Hall-oween

1 Hey, Courtney.
When you have a second, I wanna go over the press conference with you.
Courtney? [Screams] [Gasps] That was tight! You actually seemed terrified.
I didn't seem terrified.
I was terrified.
You almost just gave me a heart attack.
That's the highest compliment you could ever give me.
- [Growls] - [Screams] What the hell, man? You stole my costume concept.
What? It was my concept first.
[Exhales sharply] [Screams] - Mornin', Val.
- [Exhales shakily] When you smell burnt toast, is it a heart attack or is it a stroke? - Really, man? - T.
K.
: Yeah.
I knew you guys were doing scary zombies, so I wanted to turn it to a group thing.
Zombies don't work well in groups.
When was the last time you've been to the supermarket and saw two zombies shopping together? - Last week on The Walking Dead.
- Come on, man.
- I haven't even seen it yet.
- Spoiler alert.
Courtney: Val, help us out.
Who should be the zombie? If I tell you, can we please get back to work? Him.
[All screaming] - [Screaming] - Gimme that candy Gimme that candy Happy Halloween! Candy man, coming through.
Happy Halloween, brother.
You're gonna have to fight - the pigeon for that one, - Girl: Hey.
Happy Halloween.
Hey, you be Ah! Oh! Hey! It didn't hurt.
- Woman: Hey, watch where you're going.
- Hey, Elijah! There's some rude kids in this city.
I almost got impeached for giving them free candy.
Ooh, Elijah, what did the boyfriend ghost call his girlfriend ghost? His boo? Y-You heard that one? No, I figured it out.
Definitely.
Anyways, how's the big costume coming along? You better not be going as Mayor Rose! [Laughs] Right? [Chuckles] Nah, that that'd be cute.
That'd be My mom doesn't let me trick or treat.
She says it's not safe to be running around the streets at night.
Huh? That's okay.
It'll just remind me of what I'm missing out on.
"Good & Plenty.
" Not missing much.
Bye, Mayor Rose.
[Spooky music plays] "Dateline," "48 Hours Mystery"? "20/20.
" The one where the husband shot his wife and then dyed his hair blond.
That's, like, all of 'em.
- I know right? - Yo.
- Ohh! - What? What? T.
K.
: Not my Dina! Take Jermaine! Somebody call 911! [Laughs] Gotcha again! T.
K.
: Oh! Every year, she gets you, and every year you scream like a little girl.
What's wrong with that? Some of the strongest people I know are little girls.
Dina: [Sighs] Hey, where'd you get the Sad Courtney mask? Usually it's, "Hey, Ma.
It's Halloween.
Where's the pumpkin pie?" And then I say, "You mean my sweet potato pie? 'Cause black folk don't eat pumpkin pie," then we laugh and talk about white people desserts.
"Tarts" what is that? Guys, guys, guys, guys.
That's enough.
Talk to me.
So, I was hanging out with my little buddy, Elijah, and he said that he can't go out this Halloween because the city got too dangerous.
That never stopped 8-year-old Courtney.
Court, you went trick-or-treating because your Mama worked some serious Mama magic.
Is this another one of your stories? 'Cause I want to hear every detail.
Every year on Halloween, I would shut this building down so you boys could go runnin' around carefree like a bunch of maniacs.
I went door-to-door guilting the neighbors into helping out.
Even had to vet a couple of them first, and by "vet," I mean "open their mail looking for crazy.
" - That's smart.
- Very smart.
And also time-consuming as hell.
But it was worth it to make sure that you guys had a safe Halloween.
[Gasps] You know what? The kids of Fort Grey deserve to have the same Halloween experience that we had, and by the power vested in me as mayor, I'ma give it to 'em.
Aw, that's my boy.
Making me proud - Oh! Whoa! - [Squeals] Ohh! On "20/20," the husband also rigged her body with explosives.
He was sick.
Hey, hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey, hey - T.
K.
: [Laughs] - J: Come on, man.
Move it a little bit.
- No, I got to return the bucket - That's your - to the car wash after.
- bucket in here, right? Come on, man.
- It's gonna be good, man.
- It's gonna be so good.
- It's gonna be amazing.
- No, no, no.
Seriously? Rigging a bucket to spill on someone? Guys, I'm obsessed with fun.
A random cat video, switching from sparkling water to flat water, that time we all went to Coffee Bean.
- Hmm.
- But come on.
Childish antics do not belong in a government building.
This isn't the White House.
- It's not childish, it's child-like.
- Right.
Which means it's joyful and aspirational.
I guess it is child-like.
Don't do it in here.
There is a lot of hate coming from that direction.
Halloween hate That's the worst kind.
Just cool it with the mischief, okay? Okay.
No more mischief.
Miss-chif.
Miss chif.
Miss Chief? Miss Chief of Staff! - I thought I had something there.
- Me too.
Had to explore it.
Sometimes there ain't no gold at the end of that rainbow.
Just a little, angry person.
Valentina: Okay, thank you.
Hey.
- Courtney: Hey.
- So, listen.
Um, this press conference is pretty standard stuff.
The police chief makes a speech on Halloween safety, you smile, you co-sign, you leave.
- Chief Fox is no-nonsense.
- Oh, yeah, no.
I've seen her little salty mug on TV.
She's on a show at 6:00 and 11:00 called "Arresting Black People.
" - Okay.
- [Laughs] I'm just I'm just kidding.
Just a little bit.
I'm not kidding.
Chief Fox: To ensure a safe Halloween, please observe the following protocols.
Don't approach strange houses, don't talk to strange people, and don't candy from you guessed it persons you are unfamiliar with.
There will also be increased police protection.
- We ask that all of Fort Grey's citizens - Am I crazy or does she think - Halloween is "The Purge"? - exercise caution.
Yo, when the Purge does happen, I got you.
Bro, you had a panic attack when a ladybug landed on you.
I couldn't remember if it was good luck or bad luck.
And with that, I'll now turn it over to our new mayor, Courtney Rose.
- [Light applause] - [Clears throat] Smile, co-sign, leave.
[Light applause continues] Uh, thank you, Chief Fox, for those terrifying words.
There is something messed up when your city's police chief is telling kids they can't have a Halloween.
I mean, you're basically saying, "We don't care.
You're on your own.
" Nine-one-won't.
Well, Fort Grey, you are not on your own.
Now, your new mayor isn't someone who believes you can just throw cops at a problem.
However, what you can throw is a safe, positive, community-based celebration that brings people together.
Which is why, for the first time in the history of Fort Grey, the mayor's office will be hosting a Halloween spectacular.
I'm shutting the whole building down and giving it over to the kids.
Oh, and that's different from every other day how? So, come on out from underneath your beds and come on down to City Hall -oween.
[Laughs] Wow, that was seriously just sitting right there.
[Laughs] Details to follow ween? - Nope? - Nope.
Okay, once you've made the sale, stop selling.
Thank you, guys.
[Laughs] How'd y'all like that? Completely off the cuff.
Well, I had the germ of the idea, but nothing really written down.
T.
K.
: Well, he's a rapper.
Words just flow.
Dude is like a river.
When you were mid-flow, did you ever consider not maligning the police department for dereliction of duty? I'm not gonna be the mayor that expands the police state.
Chief Fox needs to know that.
- Chief Fox: Mayor Rose - Huh? a word.
Jermaine: Just so everyone knows, - this is being recorded.
- [Cellphone beeps] This ain't no gun.
It's just a succulent.
I picked it up 'cause I was nervous.
I Courtney: Chief Fox, here we are.
Uh, just two ol' city officials.
[Both laugh nervously] Just shootin' the breeze.
[Imitates gunshot] Ha! Huh? Okay.
Uh This is very natural.
FYI, I'm gonna keep filming.
Jermaine, we're good.
I've spent 26 years in this department, 14 of them as chief.
Do you have any sense of the strain that Halloween puts on this department? If it were up to me, I'd put twice as many cops out there.
In case you weren't briefed, it's my job to stop crime.
I may not have a badge, but I do have eyes, and with all due respect, Chief Fox, you're not really stopping crime.
And more police just mean more arrests, and I'd rather lift people up than lock people up.
- By throwing a party.
- A bomb-ass party.
A positive, community-based celebration.
A bomb-ass celebration.
Valentina: Mayor Rose, can I have a word - with you, please, very quickly? - Absolutely.
- We'll be right back.
- Thank you.
- It's, uh, totally unrelated.
- Courtney: Don't go.
- Mm-hmm? - Listen, you may not know this, but you have to be really careful when dealing with the police.
Okay, I-I I heard that.
What I'm trying to say is that, not that it's for me to say, like, I've never been in your shoes Nope, okay, just put that in reverse, Val.
Okay, I just it's important that someone like you you being the mayor Please tell me you understand what I'm trying to say.
Please tell me you will never do spoken word.
And I get it, okay? Make nice with the popo.
It's just important that you have a good working relationship with - The popo? - I'm not saying that.
Okay, fine.
- The popo.
- I will mend my relationship with the hardworking men and women of Fort Grey's - Popo Department.
- Sting was the lead singer of Okay, we're done.
- The Popo.
- [Chuckles] I know you probably get this a lot, but how does your husband feel about you carrying a gun around? That's an interesting and very sexist question.
Chief Fox, we may have started off on the wrong foot.
- Your foot was the wrong foot.
- Fair enough.
But maybe an outside perspective is what this city needs.
And let's not look at the worst in people but try to bring the best out of them.
- Uh-huh.
- And who knows.
That might make your Halloween just a little bit easier.
I wish I could afford your optimism.
I'm gonna make a believer out of you.
[Scoffs] Lower my crime rate, then I'll believe you.
Do you think she's the ticket kind of cop? Because I'm parked dangerously close to a fire hydrant.
Bwah-ha-ha Gimme that candy Dina: What's this? The party starts soon, and all the candy's in one place? You want kids trampling each other over a Skittle? - Spread it out.
- T.
K.
: I'm on it, Ms.
Dina.
You know, I'm a natural-born spreader.
No no.
Dina: And paper skeletons? No, no, what we need are real bones.
So, Jermaine, get yourself down to the butcher.
He'll give you pig's blood if you buy some extra turkey necks.
I should not be in charge of the haunted house.
Courtney: All right, everyone.
Listen up.
Take notes.
My mom's in charge.
What Dina Rose says, goes.
As long as I sign off on it first.
And even if she doesn't.
Listen, people, we got to move.
We want jaws to drop and pants to wet.
- Ha! - Look They say I'm a monster on the mic, mic So come and get this monster in your life, life Frankenstein lookin' for a wife, wife Sorry, don't come at me with a knife I'm just playin', let's just sayin' That you might want to Gimme that candy Gimme that candy Gimme that candy - Gimme that candy - [Laughs] [Music stops] Mm.
[Grunts] Hey.
Hey, what the Hello? My hand is stuck! Somebody, hello? Help? - Hey, girl, what's up? - What's good? I thought we said no pranks? What is this? Super glue? Elephant glue.
It adheres better to the skin.
By the way, the drawer thing? That's not the prank.
- What's the prank? - She is.
[Valentina screaming] Lord, please don't make me regret this.
Hey, Val, what's up? T.
K.
Clifton and Jermaine LeForge that's what's up.
They're a handful.
Harmless, though, cuties.
Are they? Pretty sure I lost a layer.
They are how do I put this? Hmm.
- They look like men - But act like children.
I know.
Quite honestly, I've done enough watching children for a lifetime.
Wait, do you have kids? You don't strike me as someone that goes home to anyone.
I don't really know if that was necessary.
Look, I grew up with three little sisters and my parents were divorced and flaky, so I basically wound up raising them myself.
I was in charge of everything.
Are you complaining or bragging? Mm, usually, it's both, but Look, I just don't want to be a parent at the office.
Then don't be.
No one's making you.
You know, have fun.
Be one of the kids.
Just think of T.
K.
and Jermaine as the sisters you never had.
But I had sisters.
Not the ones you raised.
The ones you never had.
Okay.
- Thank you.
- You gonna be all right, girl.
You not gonna be all right, girl.
[Man laughs evilly] Runnin' through the city with a ski mask on Gone off these Jolly Ranchers, yeah, we in the zone Hangin' out the door, snappin' flicks on the phone Candy-gobblin', we goblins and mobbin' up to your home Bars been sweet, enough to make you sick - Slangin' these treats - Oh! Don't come at me like a trick - Monster mash on the gas - [Laughing evilly] [Spookily] Ooh! You're trying to get into a group text message, but you only have one bar.
One ba-a-a-r! What's up, Mayor Rose? Elijah, my man, coming through with the big appearance What do you think? Pretty scary, huh? Ooh, so scary.
- Wait, look! - What? Your Instagram photo got zero likes! - [Spookily] Ooh! - See, that was mean.
I take great pride in my Insta game.
[Laughs] [Laughing evilly] [Kids screaming] - Gimme that candy - Oh, this party is stupid! Oh, no.
Which part? No, in this case, "stupid" means good.
Well, then, we're all stupid! No? Okay, I guess that word is not for me.
Do you want to get some candy? I love connecting with youth.
Happy City Hall-oween! Ma, this is great! It's exactly how I remember, you know, just bigger, and I'm the mayor.
I never got to thank you for what you did back in the day.
Oh, that's enough.
Okay.
Now, if you excuse me, I got to go, uh, give these kids some nightmares.
Put 'em all in therapy.
How you supposed to scare anyone dressed like Phylicia Rashad? Boy, I am not Phylicia Rashad.
Who am I? Clair Huxtable.
I am the mighty Congresswoman Maxine Waters.
No one's ever gonna get that.
Whoa, Maxine Waters, look out! She's about to reclaim her time! Haha! Reclaiming my time! Hyah! - Stop spinning me so hard.
- [Laughs] Hashtag addictive.
[Laughs] Ooh, Val.
Sometimes I get confused.
Candy corn or corn candy? Look, I just got off the phone with Chief Fox.
It's been a rough night for Fort Grey.
So far, there's been six break-ins, four assaults, multiple batteries.
She needs to reroute the cruisers on hand tonight.
Wow.
Any chance that's better than normal? It's worse than normal.
I'm sorry, Courtney.
I know that you wanted tonight to be different.
It is different.
I wanted to make things better.
I made things worse.
The whole party feels silly now.
[Door opens, people shouting] For the love of God, stop spinning me! I am a human being! I don't know about you guys, but I'm starting to think that tonight was a big mistake.
Hey, hey, hey, hey Good night, you guys.
Hey, um, Val? We know.
I feel like you want me to engage.
Val, you and Dina had a very, very private heart-to-heart in the bathroom.
- She told us all about it.
- Okay.
You dealt with some heavy stuff growing up, and we just want you to know that you will no longer be subjected - to any more pranks from us.
- No.
Mnh-mnh.
Thank you, guys.
Seriously, I-I don't have this with my sisters, so - Get in here.
- Oh.
All right, well, good night.
Oh! Ah! [Laughs] - [Laughs] - Nice try, Val.
I thought I got you.
- You want this box? - Yeah.
Aah! Aah! Oh, [Bleep]! Ohh! Pranks are fun when you're not the victim.
Good night.
May I use the ladies' room? [Police siren chirping] [Siren wails in distance] Good Lord.
[Muffled] Oh! You weren't supposed to see this.
Ma, I just wanted to give Fort Grey a fun Halloween like you gave me.
And you did.
It was a great party.
So, what's with the pity pile? It was a failure.
Crime was worse than ever.
I know you're upset, but you couldn't have thought that one Halloween party was gonna solve Fort Grey's crime problem.
Of course, not.
Maybe.
Yes.
That's totally what I thought.
Babe, I love your optimism, but Fort Grey is not gonna change overnight.
I know.
I just wanted it to.
I made such a big show about not needing more cops.
- Maybe you needed them.
- Ma, I thought you were supposed to be - helping me feel better.
- I said it was a fun party.
Yeah, okay, thanks.
- But you also needed more cops.
- Ma.
Let me take this off your hands.
Ah! You better let go of this bucket.
I love you.
- Courtney! - What? Put it down.
[Exhales deeply] You did call this meeting, right? And are we supposed to say something? Because I'm happy to fill the room with idle chatter.
I've been working on my Morgan Freeman impression.
[As Morgan Freeman] Courtney, Valentina, and T.
K.
sat in the office, waiting for news of some kind.
T.
K.
was very confused, but also pleased to be with his friends.
- That sounds nothing like him.
- Wow.
That was really good.
Okay, listen.
I called you in here because I'm gonna tell you something that you don't hear me say often.
"I should always listen to Val.
" [Normal voice] Ooh, "T.
K.
, you were right 'The Good Wife' is a great show.
" No.
I was wrong.
You didn't like "The Good Wife"? I'm talking about Halloween.
I was wrong, Chief Fox was right.
There's a lot of crime in Fort Grey, and I'm gonna give her whatever she needs.
Well, why don't you just start with an apology? You know, send some flowers or one of those fruit bouquets.
Just build a bridge.
We need more cops and maybe a curfew? Oh, you could get a tank from Iraq.
Or, like, a bazooka or something.
You're right.
I forgot who they use bazookas on.
"Hands up, don't bazook.
" Oh, my Hey, uh, Courtney, there are some parents out here that want to talk to you about the party last night.
Oh, what now? I tried to hold them off with a tour, but I don't know anything about this building, so What? It's cool.
It's all right.
Was Morgan Freeman here? Haha! Crazy, I know.
I was just kidding.
Hey, hey, hey, hey Jermaine: Why do I always have to walk in the back? Oh, Lord.
Is that an angry mob? Just to be clear on the facts, that kid slapped me first.
Okay, guys, guys.
I-I already know that throwing parties don't solve anything.
We're just here to say thank you.
- Jermaine: Wait, hey.
- T.
K.
: Oh, oh, no! What's he grabbing for? Is it happening? - It's going down.
It's going down.
- Mm-mm.
It's supposed to be you.
The artist is young.
Yeah, well, Michael Jackson was young, too.
- Jermaine.
- W-Wait, so so no one here is mad at me? Not even him? I feel a little, you know, stink eye.
No, this is the first time any mayor did something special for our kids.
Wow.
Like, thank you for sharing that.
Your input means everything to me.
Woman: Really? The politicians in Fort Grey never want parents' input.
Instead of throwing cops at the problem, you would think they would want to talk to the people who actually live there, like us parents.
Wow.
No one does that? I mean, it seems pretty obvious.
That's, like, a no-brainer.
Who ever said government runs on brains, right? [Laughs] Courtney: Good morning, everyone.
Halloween is over.
But do you know what's not over? It Mm.
This sour ball I've been suckin' on for the last four hours.
I mean, really, what are these things made of? We should actually start building roads with this.
It's got a lot of density.
- [Clears throat] - [Laughs] - Ahem.
- Right.
Um, what's not over is the crime problem in our city.
And I thought I could fix it with an awesome party, but then I realized that things can't be fixed quick.
I mean, Rome wasn't built in a day.
Now it has houses and roads and a Pizza Hut? I don't know.
I've never been to Rome.
They might have a Pizza Hut.
They might have a Popeye's.
Well, that would be great.
And then I realized, maybe we should throw more cops at the problem.
But that's not the right solution, either.
The right solution is listening to the people the people who actually live and and and work in our communities.
So, I would like to announce that I am forming a mayor's advisory council to ensure that we hear those voices.
It will consist of parents, police officers, and community members.
We can do better because we have to.
Thank you.
Oh, just, uh, let them know this really quickly.
Ooh, oh, yeah.
So, uh, whoever parked their car outside illegally in front of the fire hydrant, you might want to get that, 'cause the the Fort Grey Police don't play.
That's true.
Thank you.
Courtney: I thought it would be nice if we donated all of our surplus candy to the troops serving overseas! That is straight-up heroic.
- That's not why I do it, though.
- Then why do you do it? - T.
K.
- Huh? Two lemon drops? Bro, I know you love candy, but this is for the troops.
Yeah, man, but won't the chocolate melt in Afghanistan? Mnh-mnh.
Give me the candy.
Jermaine: You know what? Just - Under a plant? - [Laughs] Shh-shh.
Wow.
Bro.
- Come on.
Really? - Seriously? - T.
K - It's the last key! Another key? - All right, nah.
- Oh, come on! - This is ridiculous.
- Y'all want the candy or not? Who got a flashlight for me? How long the troops gonna be there? - Come on, bro.
- Are you serious? - You ain't getting near a thing.
- I'm getting it now.
Just forget it.