The Mayor (2017) s01e03 Episode Script

Buyer’s Remorse

1 Fort Grey, how you livin'? Won't get better just by wishin' We all gotta get up and grind Smile on it Don't look down where I been I'm only going up and around for a minute - Um, why does that say - Look at that.
"Congratulations, Mayor Rose"? Why can't two friends compliment their buddy, who now wields great power and influence over all? Look, let me spell it out for you, all right? I'm trying to worm my way into the boss' inner circle.
- So you you worming now? - What? - Oh, you want to worm? - Yeah, let's worm, then.
- So you want Okay.
- 'Cause I can worm.
- Whatchu - I can worm.
I can worm, too.
Wassup? - I can worm all day.
- I can worm look.
I can worm.
I can cut myself in half, and, boom, now there's two of me.
- Double trouble.
- Damn.
- Regeneration? - Mm-hmm.
That's cold, bruh.
The banner's ridiculous.
We all know Courtney loves Courtney, but he doesn't want meaningless praise.
Hm.
"Congratulations, Mayor Rose.
" - I love it.
- Ha! - Of course he does.
- Can I ask you something? And be honest.
Do you think people see me as my own man, or just another Obama? [Laughs] Oh, you're serious? - Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
Hi.
Kitty.
Is everything okay? Oh.
I'm not usually this soaked.
[Chuckles] I got stuck in the rain waiting for the bus.
Full disclosure you know, I took a bath right before leaving, so a lot of the hair wetness is bath.
- Anyway - Does no one answer the phone around here? I've been trying to wish you good luck all morning.
Voice mails were left, language was used, and a marginalized group may have been slandered.
Well, if it came from your mouth, - they probably deserved it.
- Y'all need to hire a receptionist here or call me on the hour in case I got something to say.
- Ma.
.
- Yeah? you know you are my heart and my soul.
Aww.
How would you like to be my receptionist? Aww, baby.
- No chance in hell.
- What? - Mayor Rose, you're on the news! - In the era of election upsets, Fort Grey may have taken the cake.
Oh, he really pops in that HD! - That's that classic Rose glow.
- [Laughs] Here we go.
Just do not call me the "rapping mayor.
" Channel 8's Gabby Montoya has the report - on the rapping mayor.
- [All groan] Just weeks ago, he was a complete unknown.
Now Courtney Rose is a household name.
And one thing's for sure it isn't because of his rap career.
Was that necessary? - I don't think it was.
- No, no, no.
What began as a publicity stunt for Mr.
Rose ended in a shocking - That's my baby.
- double-digit victory.
Left in the dust? The odds-on favorite, City Council President Ed Gunt.
Look, Ross, was there widespread voter fraud? I mean, that's just what literally everyone is saying.
- But - Whatever.
honestly, I'm thrilled for Courtney Rose Mayor Mayor Rose.
Well, you sound elated.
T.
K.
: That right there? That's some bad sportsmanship.
how do supporters of the millennial mayor feel about their triumph at the polls? Bad.
Really, really bad.
Maybe next year, my daughter could be mayor.
I'm 7.
- What? - Ohhh.
is over.
Despite winning 52% of the popular vote, his approval rating sits at just 23%.
In a word? Ouch.
As with Brexit and other "protest votes" it's safe to say the people of Fort Grey have some serious buyer's remorse.
Does Courtney have what it takes? Who the hell knows? [Scoffs] Lying dishonest media.
Sad! They say it's lonely at the top I wouldn't know When you at the bottom They tell you there's nowhere else to go Well, okay Don't look down where I been [Groans] 23%! How is that even possible? My own supporters don't even have confidence in me.
It's like they already forgot what you did with the City Commons.
I know, right? You tidied up a small park.
- Wha - Courtney, what do you expect? Y-You're a rapper with no political experience who wanted to lose.
Well, anything sounds bad when you say what it is.
The disrespect.
Until you prove that you're more than that, people aren't gonna believe in you.
They're scared.
Look, what do politicians do when they want to gain legitimacy? Find a defenseless country and threaten to wipe them off the map.
Or they gain a small win for the people.
Get some wind in your sails.
Diverse viewpoints.
All valuable.
No.
No, no.
I like Val's idea.
It's like when there's a new Real Housewife, and she invites everybody - to her vacation home for tequila tastings? - Mm-hmm.
She don't really care about them bitches.
She just wants to arrive.
No, I don't have any helpful suggestions, so I don't want to interrupt your flow.
You know, sometimes the best contribution is just getting out the way.
- Ugh.
- It's the power of listening - Oh, my God! - Oh, come on! - Courtney, can you hear me? - What? - What is he doing? - There you go.
Oh, he about to do something now.
These things aren't as absorbent as you'd think.
They do have aloe, which is nice.
Val, what percentage of the city population do you think rides the bus to work? Well, with the city's demo, it could be anywhere from 61% to 64%.
I mean, I know that that's a wide range.
- I'm sorry.
- Hm.
- Mnh? - Think about that.
Right now, 2/3 of the city is pathetically drying themselves off with tissue.
Why is that? Because tissues are readily available.
Because Fort Grey doesn't have a single - covered bus bench.
- Yeah.
True.
I wouldn't mind that shade on a sunny day, either.
Dina Rose don't do sweat.
- Mnh.
- Sweat is literally the body's rain.
Mnh-mnh.
Sounds like a quick, easy win to me.
When I score this layup, and all the skeptics will be like, "Courtney Rose oh, my gosh that mayor really takes his oath seriously.
I don't even know what I was thinking about.
Maybe you should date my daughter.
" - [Laughs] - She sounds hella cute! Let's do this.
So, Val, what's next? Do I pick out a color scheme or a shape? Well, before you go making a vision board or anything, you need to run it by Ed Gunt.
As you know, bills need his stamp.
Well, perfect.
Let's set up a meeting tomorrow.
Front-row seats to history! We're interviewing receptionists tomorrow morning.
Nah, the mayor can't be mired in the minutiae I'll do it.
Oh, thanks for stepping in, T.
K.
[Chuckles] It's my privilege to serve, brother.
Trying to sneak into the mayor's inner circle? A little thirsty.
- I'll do it! - It's on.
A teddy bear is still a bear.
Where are we going? I was going to the bathroom.
I-I don't know where y'all going.
Whaaat? Hustle seven days a week Now, tell me, what's a weekend? What's a weekend? Okay, so as Ed's former campaign manager, I just want to let you know that he likes to play dirty, so if he comes for you, just feel free to go right back at him.
You know, pow-pow! [Chuckling] Have you ever thrown a punch in your life? I have a black belt in Krav Maga.
- Look at me.
- Wow.
I'm torn between teasing you and asking you to walk me to the parking lot late at night.
But I don't see City Hall as a Fight Club.
And you're forgetting my three C's of leadership Compassion.
Compromise.
- Character? - Mnh-mnh.
- Charisma? - Mnh-mnh.
It's Courtney, isn't it? - Now you get me.
- Great.
Covered bus benches watch and learn.
[Slow clapping] [Door closes] [Laughs] There he is.
Mayor Rose.
The rappin' Mayor.
- So, covered bus benches.
- Mm-hmm.
First I was like, "Ehhh.
Yawn.
" But then I was like, "Ehhh.
There's something there.
" - Helps the commuters.
- Mm-hmm.
Not too expensive I'm for sure blocking it.
[Chuckles] I'm sorry.
[Laughs] Novice here.
I'm guessing that "block it" is a technical term for "pass it immediately"? Let me connect the dots for you.
Bernie Madoff.
The WNBA.
Receding gums.
What do these have in common? They're all more popular than Courtney Rose.
[Chuckles] - Arena football - Okay, I get it.
As long as I keep you from getting anything done, you can kiss your re-election goodbye.
In fact, we could be talking recall by the end of the year.
[Gasps] "Santa brought you a little present.
" - O-Okay.
All right.
Okay.
- [Gasps] [Chuckling] It's Mayor Ed Gunt! He's back.
[Whispers] He can't do that, can he? - [Microphone clicks on] - [Whispers] Yes.
He can.
- [Microphone clicks off] - In fact, after I finish blocking your bus benches, maybe I'll pass my own.
[Gasps] Uh-oh.
This is so unfair! [Chuckles] What do you say, Val? Time to cut your losses, get back on the Gunt Train? Every seat's first class.
[Sighs] Mayor Rose is you know, he's he's starting out.
He's, um He's getting his footing, and [Clears throat] - What - Mm.
We're We're excited to get going to get we're Wow, that's a rave review.
You know, if I'm reading Zagat's guide, I'm always looking for terms like "learning as they go" and "means well.
" What was that? I know.
The guy is formidable.
No, with you.
You are my Chief of Staff.
You shouldn't have to twist and turn to sing my praises.
Where was your pow-pow-powin' when I was in there? He caught me off guard.
Yeah, says the person with a black belt in some martial art that I can't pronounce.
You didn't give me much to work with.
Ed: FYI, this door is super thin.
Well, okay Yeah, so it's a real privilege to work for the Mayor.
I tell Oh.
Hey! I didn't know you would be here.
This is Arlene, - first-rate receptionist candidate.
- Okay, uh hey, I didn't know you were gonna be here.
This is Renee.
She is the best candidate for receptionist.
- She types with all her fingers - Hey, guys, we need to talk.
- Beat it, Renee.
Get out of here.
- Yeah, it's a bad time.
- It's a bad time.
- Read the social cues.
- You just got to go.
- Bad time.
I'm so sorry.
- The mayor's All right.
- Stay Stay Stay right.
Look, guys, uh Now, tell me if I'm being paranoid.
But it's, uh - it's about Val.
- You're not being paranoid.
Home girl's wardrobe is horrible.
- It's bumming us all out.
- It's the shoes, man.
No, no, no.
I'm I'm getting the sense that she doesn't think I can do this job.
It's like she has one foot out the door.
- Hey, guys! - Oh, hey! Cute shoes! Your outfit looks amazing! Uh, okay, so, um, I was ruminating about our Gunt problem, and I think that I have a Gunt solution.
- I'm listening.
Uh.
- [Sighs] Okay, so I have some friends at the Transportation Department.
We met at a mixer for young professionals.
Anyways, so, I was picking their brains about the bench covers, then you know, general hot goss, yada, yada, yada Bottom line if we mandate the bench covers as a safety requirement, then Gunt can't do a damn thing.
A little visit from our Mayor to the Transportation Director, and it should get the job done.
So let's let's do it.
Uh, lock in the meeting.
Okay, good.
All right, I'll talk to you in a bit.
- [Door opens, closes] All right.
- Yeah, she she doesn't seem like she has - One foot out the door.
- one foot out the door.
- Really? - Which is something that I thought of - all by myself because I'm here for you.
- Really? I was gonna say that.
What's going on? I'm not gonna ask don't want to know.
Courtney loves surround sound.
Not as much as he loves a thoughtfully framed portrait.
[Drill whirring] I'm assuming you found a receptionist, because I'm naive.
Miss Dina, we are no longer using official business - to curry favor with the boss.
- Good.
Instead, we're using gifts and treats - to curry favor with the boss.
- Mm-hmm.
Sounds like you learned an important lesson.
Not quite sure what that lesson is, but it doesn't even matter.
But tell me this Courtney is your best friend.
Why are you working so hard to impress him? - He's the mayor.
- Mm-hmm.
Now, are Courtney and I closer than close? Of course.
But at the end of the day, Mayor Courtney is about to have a whole lot of money, - access, power.
- A valet of servants.
I'm sorry.
What city do you think we live in? Miss Dina, I know how this story ends.
Every rapper insists he's gonna take his boys with him, but along the way, even best friends get cut.
Could be me.
Could be him.
Well, it sounds to be like you're worried about losing a friend.
How about you start by being good to the one right next to you? Jermaine, who drove you around for two months when you broke your femur trying to pop-n-lock? And, T.
K.
, who bought you a pork-pie hat for your birthday, even though he is in who knows how much debt? I know exactly how much.
You three are like brothers.
Brothers without condition.
And I promise you, Courtney ain't goin' nowhere.
How do I know this? Because he lives with his mama and rides a bicycle.
- That's true.
- Yeah, you're right.
[Chuckles] - Hey! - Hey.
So, did my Transpo guy hook you up with the bus benches or what? Did he give you the - green light? - Ha.
The "right of way"? Yeah, we're not gonna do that.
I was doing some introspection, asking myself the hard questions, like, "Why do people love me?" Wait.
What What happened to our plan? All right, let's be real that plan was wack.
Now, the people of this city love me because I'm honest, relatable, inspirational.
- Humble.
- [Snaps fingers] Thank you! See, my point is I became mayor because I connected with the voters directly.
I'm gonna do it again.
What is the name of that political show I've never seen but always say I like? - "The Grey Area"? - Yes.
They'll eat you alive.
Wow.
Wow.
Like wow? - Wow.
- Stop saying "wow.
" You have buyer's remorse, too.
Yeah, yeah.
I guess it doesn't matter that I saved a music program for kids.
Old news.
"What have you done for me lately," right? Wow.
[Chuckles] Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
- Wow.
- That's why you still haven't unpacked your office.
[Sighs softly] You know that - I take a while to embrace new things.
- Mm.
I mean, look I still have the protective film on my phone.
- So - Exactly! If it doesn't work out, bye-bye phone no restocking fee.
Fine.
Go on "The Grey Area.
" You do you.
Oh, don't forget the last time you underestimated me, I went and won an election.
Courtney! [Telephone ringing in distance] Nope, I can't do it.
Can't do it.
Not ready.
Smile for me How on earth could Val say you're not prepared for this? I mean, my only concern - is that you're too prepared.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, my concern is that we have not been provided with the greenroom and snacks.
I sent over a very detailed rider.
I didn't come here for pretzels and Twizzlers, Jermaine.
Well, that's great.
'Cause they're not in the rider.
Hey, when I finish this, people are gonna be demanding covered bus benches.
Hit 'em with the dazzle, and finish with the razzle.
I put Razzles in the rider, too, and I don't see 'em! Yeah, what is this, a porn shoot? Woman: 30 seconds, people! - All right, last looks.
- Let me look here.
How's that line looking? - Ah, the line is tight.
- Crispy! All right, get on out there, boy.
Go on on! - [Chuckles] - I'm so proud of him! Oh, man.
I might get emotional.
I might bust a tear.
I got two in the chamber.
Thanks so much for coming on.
Last night, we had on the city's Chief Elevator Inspector.
[Chuckles] Ohh.
Yes.
Hoo-hoo! It was a hot show.
So we're hoping to ride that ratings wave into tonight.
In 3 [Upbeat theme music plays] Hello, and welcome to "The Grey Area," covering the black, the white, and everything in between for over five years.
Come on, Courtney.
Don't blow this.
Tonight's guest is a rapper turned mayor - Courtney Rose.
Mr.
Rose, welcome.
- [Laughs] - Thanks for having me.
- Well, look.
We only have 2 1/2 hours, so we're just gonna jump right in, Mr.
Mayor.
All right.
Now, you begin your tenure with an approval rating of - Holy crap.
- Okay, look, everyone at home.
I know a lot of you out there don't have much faith in me, but I give you my word Mayor Rose has what it takes to get things done.
Starting with my covered-bus-bench initiative.
- What this does is - I'm sorry.
No, no, no, no.
I'm sorry.
I-I-I'm just distracted by this [Chuckling] number, specifically how low it is.
This guy is slime.
I may have to open up the libel laws.
Let's talk about the environment.
Well, let's talk more about the bus benches.
That is not how we would typically do that on this show.
I'm not a typical politician, Ross.
[Chuckles] Look, the way I see it is that every commuter deserves to have a comfortable, dry Mr.
Rose, as mayor, where do you come down on the very controversial "Trash for Cash" program? - This is bad.
- It's not good.
This is worse than white people with dreadlocks.
[Sighs] I think that it's, um, it's, you know, it's a good program.
It's a very lucrative Are you Googling it on your phone? - [Laughing] Oh, absolutely not.
- Show me your phone.
- I don't want to show you my phone.
- Hold on.
My producer is telling me that we have a viewer calling.
We are going live to City Hall, and it is the Council President, Mr.
Ed Gunt.
Mr.
Gunt, good evening.
Oh, [bleep].
Ed: Hi, Ross! Hey, show was on fire last night.
So, I was just talking to the Transportation Director.
Turns out the mayor's covered bus benches poses [Chuckling] a significant safety risk.
What? No.
No, he did not say that.
Oh no, bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.
He did.
And he's happy to say it again.
- Go, Bruce.
- Bruce: Hey.
Hey.
I'm on? Yeah.
Okay.
Uh, Councilman Gunt is right.
Okay? All right.
Bye-bye.
- Damn.
- Thanks, Bruce.
Great guy.
Hates the spotlight, felt compelled to speak out.
- [Phone hangs up] - Well, Mr.
Mayor, what say you? We'll be back right after this commercial break! You're not allowed to do that! You're not allowed to do that.
I didn't think so.
Do you have a bathroom? Don't worry I'll make sure this tape never sees the light of day.
This is live.
Yeah.
And I-I just realized that.
- That is a digital camera.
- Mm.
- There is no tape.
This is very modern.
- Mm-hmm.
- High-tech.
- Mm.
Hey [Man speaking indistinctly on television] Did you watch? Yeah, I watched.
How rough? Oh, it was rough.
He told Ashley he wanted to have kids, and then 10 minutes later, he was making them with Becky in the Fantasy Suite.
Ma, what are you talking about? What are you talking about? I don't [sighs] I don't know, Ma.
Babe, want to take a ride? Yes, ma'am.
- Thanks, baby.
- Yeah, of course.
You know I'm the reason they instituted a one-ketchup-per-person rule, right? They wasn't about to stop you.
[Laughs] Got that right.
[Siren wailing in distance] Okay, talk to me.
[Breathes deeply] Well, Fort Grey doesn't have faith in its mayor, and Val certainly doesn't.
And I don't know, Ma maybe they're on to something.
I know you're not bad-mouthing my son at Jim's Burgers.
No, it's just, if being mayor means fighting dirty and going for the throat, - then maybe I'm not built for this.
- Yeah, you're right.
If that's what it takes to be mayor, you are screwed.
Wow, Ma, thanks.
If you try to compete on other people's terms, you are going to lose every time.
You're not the guy that punches his opponent in the jaw.
When that kid, uh, Oscar stole your skateboard in fourth grade, did you hit him? No, you sat him down and worked out a reasonable payment plan to recoup the cost.
That kid was so touched, he went out and stole an even better skateboard and gave it to you.
I still use that skateboard, too.
That's working with your adversary.
Oscar didn't have to lose in order for me to win.
You are a good guy, Courtney.
You're a generous guy.
That's your weapon.
Use it.
Oh, I know you gonna pick up after that dog! - Nasty! - Man: Sure, I'll get right on that! I'm a yeller.
That's my weapon.
Yeah, I been a dreamer - But that don't mean I been sleepin' - Sleepin' Hustle seven days a week - Now, tell me, what's a weekend? - Weekend I hear all the haters comin' for me They be creepin', talkin' 'bout me But don't look me in the eye when they be speakin' Okay 'Cause Mama taught me words are unreliable But deeds are monumental - Val: Where are you going? - Now I'll build mine undeniable Undeniable Yes? What are you gonna do to me? This.
What's that? That is me reaching across the aisle, in the spirit of kindness and generosity, without regard for credit or glory.
What did you "sample," the Magna Carta? No, that is you and I sharing credit in bringing the "Rose-Gunt Bus Bench Initiative" to the wet masses.
So, wait you just called someone and made a billboard? Basically.
Huh.
Interesting.
I shouldn't take credit for your hard work.
- But I will.
- Okay.
"Rose-Gunt," huh? - Mm-hmm.
- Or "Gunt-Rose.
" Whatever works for the city, Ed.
- Just "Gunt.
" - Okay.
Do I deliver or what? [Elevator bell dings] [Sighs] - Nice touch.
- [Elevator doors close] Compassion.
Compromise.
Courtney.
[Elevator bell dings, doors open] Courtney.
Hey, Courtney! We got some exciting news for you.
You guys finally found someone to answer these phones? - Man, stop playin'.
Be serious.
- Come on, now.
Listen, Court, we took on this assignment for the wrong reasons to win your acceptance and approval.
But then we realized, Courtney's love is unconditional.
There's literally nothing we could do - O-Or not do.
- that could jeopardize that.
- Right.
- And judging by the look on your face, - I'd say we were right.
- [Chuckles] You guys have way too much time on your hands.
- I see ya! - Thanks, guys.
- You da mayor, man! - You da mayor! Okay.
- All right.
You do your thing, brother! - All right.
Just uh, make sure you pick up a phone or two Authority looks good on you! You wear it well! - You look great.
- Please answer that phone! - Yeah, okay! - Watch my neck, man! - Watch my neck, man! - Like I said - [Door closes] - All right.
That was my neck, man.
- [Ringing continues] - [Sighs] [Ringing stops] Hi.
Mayor Rose's office.
Yes, I do answer my own phones, 'cause I am a very powerful man.
How may I help you? Haters talk loud and run quick We don't wanna hear that, been down for a minute, uh-huh Everything we want we gonna get Gonna get They told us that we couldn't, so we did So we did - So we did - So we did - So we did - So we did They told us that we couldn't, so we did - So we did - So we did Courtney: A covered bus bench! - There it is! - That's a beautiful thing! - [Laughs] - Keeping Fort Grey dry and cool.
Hey, Mr.
Mayor! Thank you for the bus benches! - Yes, ma'am! - Can I get a photo? Yes! Yes, ma'am! [Chuckling] - Oof! - Oh! - On the face! - Are you o When you gonna fix these damn potholes?! Uh, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm We We holding up traffic! - Drive! Drive! Drive! - Uh, okay.
[Engine revs] And I voted for him.
[Birds chirping]