The Men's Room (1991) s01e01 Episode Script

Episode 1

1 Ow! It's seven o'clock on Monday 29th September.
The news this morning: After 18 months in office and no upturn yet in the economy, - the Prime Minister Mrs Thatcher says - Come on! Hurry up, you two.
- All right, I'm coming.
- These days, you look terrible.
- Thank you very much.
- Come on! - In Poland, leaders of the new Solidarity - Mum, there's no toothpaste.
- Get out.
I wanna go to the loo.
in support of their wage demands.
There's just over a month now to the Presidential election.
Who's gonna win? Reagan or Carter? - Are you two going to football, tonight? - No, they are not.
They're back at 5:30.
- Why? - You know why.
Who wants toast? - Me, please.
- Have we got any more milk? - Can't we go for a little bit? - Dan, I'm not arguing, the answer is no.
- Well, thanks for leaving the Shreddies.
- Here you are.
Don't do it like that, you stupid idiot.
Put the sugar on first.
- I can do it how I want.
- Give me the Shreddies.
- Time check, it's 8:15 - You greedy pig.
You scoffed the lot.
- Hey, listen.
It's 8:15.
You're gonna be late.
- Shut up.
Don't talk to me like that.
Come here, madam, you look a mess.
Mum, do you have to brush her hair at the table? Probably we'll have lice for dinner.
Come on.
- Hurry up.
Hurry up.
- Come on.
We'll miss the bus.
- I haven't finished.
- Harry! Wait! - Hey, leave it alone.
It's mine.
- No, it's not.
- It's mine.
- Get off, it's mine.
- Why can't they go to boarding school? - Where's your reading book? - Mum, have you seen my skateboard? - It's where you left it, last night.
- It's not there now.
Dan, have you seen it? - No, I haven't.
- Where's my keys? - On the mantelpiece.
Good girl.
I'll get my bag and we'll go.
- I don't like boys.
- Sometimes you do.
- Mostly I don't.
- That's called being female.
- Hurry up.
Come on.
- OK, I'm coming.
Come on, you lot.
- Look both ways, crossing the road.
- You'll have a heart attack one day, Dad.
Just you wait.
Just you wait.
Pooh! Daddy! Bloody dogs.
Eurgh! Come on.
Don't forget Sally and Eric's, tonight.
Don't I get a kiss from anybody? Bye.
Give me a kiss.
Cop that! Look at the way she's riding that saddle.
What's the matter, darling? Ain't your man giving you enough? Five minutes alone with me, you won't sit down for a month.
Eurgh! Turn it off! Turn it off! - Thank you.
- Morning, Swinhoe, Charity.
That's sweet.
I haven't seen that for years.
- Chivalry is not dead.
- Thank you, Ivan.
Good manners are never out of date.
Did you see Barnes today on the biological basis of modern marriage? It takes courage to realise we're more than biology and genetics, Steve.
It's much more comforting to think of us as dumb animals.
In some cases, it's more true than others.
- Try Brown and Harris.
- No, no, no, no, no.
You're married.
You've got kids.
Some of it must have been biological.
- Read Barnes.
- I've got better things to do.
Then alter recurrent practices.
After all, you're liberated.
Get the old man to do the washing-up.
Ha! - Good morning.
- Morning.
- Hello.
Did you have a good break? - Yes.
- Yeah, sure - Charity, 12:30 common room.
Don't forget.
- What? - Professor Carleton.
He arrives today.
Didn't you remember? There are some very interesting rumours about him.
Mind the bike, mate! That was my space.
Come on.
Pick the bike up.
- Hiya.
- Hi.
- Are you sociology? - No, English.
- Carleton, old man.
- Huh? Swinhoe, crime and deviance.
We met before.
Remember? - Yeah.
How are you? - Fine, fine.
Very good.
Sorry about this.
- It's a bit of a disaster.
- It's all right.
Professor Carleton? We're so glad you're here.
I'm Mavis McDonald, your secretary.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
- Would you like to come this way? - Certainly.
That's it.
Are you safe with that? - Yes.
- Jolly good.
If you could do that Thank you.
- Morning, Ted.
- Morning.
- John.
- Good morning, Mr Walton.
Morning, Shelley.
Busy day, today.
Coffee, no biscuits.
I've had a lapse, this morning: Fry-up.
I think you look fantastic, really.
Lunch - Bye.
- Yes, can do.
Can do.
Do you remember all those new chairs we had in the '60s? Never again.
Education's being turned into a bloody supermarket.
Content, not original thought.
No art in that.
Art? I thought it was a science.
Nobody cares about the computers, nobody.
In fact, they think they don't have feelings.
What? And who's gonna pay for the computers? They'll never muck about with education.
We haven't got all day, Ivan.
Care Wooo! That's a good sound.
- Alan Pascoe, Professor.
Welcome aboard.
- Thank you.
As head of Department and most senior resident, let me introduce you around.
Our local mechanic.
Dr Pascoe's little joke, Professor.
Mack MacKinnon, computer programmer.
- Good to meet you.
- This is Steve Kirkwood, Professor.
Humble lecturer.
We actually met when you came before.
I wonder if you could put your eye over my research when you're settled in.
- Certainly.
- Thank you.
- Cheers.
- This is Dr Swinhoe.
- Yeah.
- Our crime and deviance chappy.
We met.
- And this is - Margaret Lacey, Professor, social theory.
- I hope you'll be very happy here.
- Thank you very much.
I'm sure I will be.
Dr Lacey's our most recent and, may I say, very capable acquisition from Cambridge.
- Yeah.
- Professor.
Thank you, Mavis.
- And Charity Walton, our research officer.
- Hello.
Engaged on her doctoral thesis.
Promises to be interesting.
She needs an internal examiner.
- Maybe you'd be willing.
- Certainly, yes.
- We'll talk about that.
- Great.
Thank you.
Well, it's great to be back.
I mean, Texas has a great deal going for it, as you probably know, but the lack of good, old British intellectual tradition got me where it hurts - in the head.
They say American universities are high schools, really.
- No challenge there at all.
- What jingoistic bullshit.
Some of the most exciting social theory comes from the States.
And, let's face it, some of the best people are men.
Yes, well Welcome aboard, Professor.
- May your stay be a happy one.
- Thank you very much.
We've all read your book.
Oh, dear.
Have you? Your analysis of the essentially male character of revolutionary movement seemed on-target.
Well, thank you very much.
But the Journal review, that was very unfair.
You read that, did you? I mean, it's not good enough to criticise someone for not being sociological enough.
Look at Comte, look at Durkheim.
Or Wright Mills.
Would they have passed the test? Well, absolutely.
It's a very interesting thought.
It's a very interesting thought - Professor, I wonder if I could have a chat? - Excuse me.
Read Barnes.
I was just wondering - Are you two coming out? I've got it working.
- Mum, what are we going to eat, tonight? I've put it all out for you and Beth's cooking it.
- No, I don't like her cooking.
- Yes, you do.
It's all burnt.
Anyway, what time are you coming home? - About 11:00 and you'll be asleep.
- No, I won't.
- Tom, where are you? - I'm in the garden.
Come on, Harry.
- Let's go round the back.
- OK, I'm coming.
- Bring us a can of coke.
- No way.
Can't you two just cut it out? - Hello.
- Hi.
Sorry I'm late.
- Is James here? - No.
- No.
He's bringing the wine.
- Don't worry, neither's John and Nick.
Come and have a drink.
- Eric's on his way.
- Great.
Sally, God, your kitchen floor, you could eat off it.
Mine's not fit to walk on.
Hey, these are beautiful.
Can't see the join.
From the cookery book series we did.
- I thought you hated all that.
- I did, at first.
You know, much more important things to publish, but we aren't a charity and it's made a whopping profit.
- I'll get that.
- Thanks.
I wouldn't confess it to anyone else, but it was fun.
Your secret's safe with me.
We'll have you hoovering next.
Very funny.
I suppose you mean you're doing the real thing, that's why you look so chipper on it? Come on, look, I'm a mug.
Superwoman is an ugly myth.
I could handle work or the children, but not both.
I'm knackered.
What about James? Charity? There's no time for anything.
He's a perfectly nice man but, as I've always said, my dear, you married too young.
I do love him.
Well, that was lovely, darling.
Thank you very much.
- That was smashing, Sally.
- It's all right, darling.
I'll get it.
- Let me give you this.
- Thank you.
Thank you, James.
Thank you.
- Right, who's for some more wine? - No, not for me.
I'll have a cigarette.
I'd love some.
- Do you cook, John? - No.
- No, I'm afraid I don't.
- Don't be modest, John.
- Where did you find those two? - Now, now, have to travel with the times.
Why? Voilà.
- There we go.
- Bless you, Sally.
- And, John.
- That's lovely.
So, Sally, how's the world of publishing going? Doing very nicely, thank you.
Still fertilising our imaginations, while expanding your profit margins? Poor economist.
- As if the meaning of life existed in numbers.
- Thanks.
- You mean it doesn't? - Look, it's my duty to search out good authors, nourish them, allow them to express themselves.
But being an artist isn't a profession.
It's a calling.
God! If priests took money for taking confessions, you'd want a cut.
The mullet was fabulous, Sally.
How did you make the sauce? I'll just find my cigarettes.
Excuse me.
It's our standard argument.
I am so sorry.
- He's pissed.
- He's a pain.
- What's it all about? - I don't know.
Male menopause, or something.
Bit early.
I'm gonna give up soon.
What? Smoking? I want to have a baby.
That's ridiculous.
How are you going to fit it in? You can't take them with you to the office, you know.
And having a nanny's no solution.
You'll just end up running your life round her.
I don't want to die, not knowing what it was like.
I want to go to Mothercare and buy lots of little, pastel clothes.
I haven't wanted anything so much since I was 16 and dreamt about my first lover.
Yeah, well, it's nothing like that.
What's wrong? I don't know, but babies isn't the answer.
Charity, let's go.
He's not happy.
I'm sure he is menopausal.
He's reached that stage men get to when they either go off it altogether or start screwing around.
- Is he? - What? - Screwing around? - No.
His libido's as flat as a pancake.
Anyway, what's Eric think about all this babies stuff? He's thrilled.
Having my coil out tomorrow so, maybe, next time I see you It's 11:30.
Beth'll want to go home.
Sally, the food was delicious.
I'm sorry I was a pig.
Don't worry about it.
Bad day, I guess.
- Bye-bye.
Thanks so much.
- Pleasure.
- Bye, Nick and John.
Nice to meet you.
- Bye! Don't look at me like that.
I've been driving for 20 years.
I haven't had an accident yet.
Oi! Why don't you watch where you're bloody going? Why did you talk to Sally like that? Like what? I can't say what I think to your friends? They're too fine for my conversation? I'm going to be late tomorrow evening.
Some clients from Japan.
I'll be home about eight, if I don't have to take 'em out for dinner.
I'm sorry.
I mean, I don't know why I'm sorry, but I'm fed up with this atmosphere all the time.
- What's wrong? - Nothing's wrong.
- Of course there's something wrong.
- Really, I'm just tired.
I'll have a lie-in on Saturday.
I do love you, you know.
Booze always makes me quick.
If it's Bristol this summer, it's bound to be somewhere else next summer.
I'm telling you, man.
Brixton, Toxteth, all them kind of areas, you know, the poor ones, ones with blacks in 'em, cos right now, a lot of people out there are angry, unemployed, pissed off.
Right, Tony, so you're clearly linking last April's riots with unemployment and inner-city depravation.
Definitely, man.
- The Government, of course, denies that.
- Well, they would, wouldn't they? They say it's to do with the breakdown in family life, the increase in divorce, juvenile crime and so forth.
Yeah, all that's been going on for years.
We've never seen any riots till now, have we? Look, mate, when people have got no jobs, no money, no hope, you can't blame them for fighting back.
I'll just lock the door.
No, no, no.
No! In her closing address yesterday to the Conservative Party conference in Brighton - Blimey! Thank you.
that no matter how unpopular her policies, even in the face of a Labour victory at the next election You'll make someone a wonderful wife.
- What's wrong with you? - Who'd marry her? - Chair.
- Yeah.
- There you go, darling.
- Thank you.
What about dinner? Meat or fish? I Meat or fish? - I know.
We haven't had mussels for a while.
- Yuck.
Now hurry up.
Daddy can drop you off.
Have you got plans for the day? Yes, I want to get all this lot unpacked by the weekend.
Unpacking? You should see my office - you can't see my office.
- I tell you, you can't see the floor for the boxes.
- I could come in, do it for you.
No, darling, you do enough.
You do too much.
Doesn't she, girls? We don't know what we'd do without you.
We don't know.
We can't guess.
Go on, get out of here.
You'll be late for school.
- Come on.
I'll see you later.
- Bye, Mummy.
- Take it easy.
- Bye.
Have a good day.
Come on.
Get in the car.
Dad, let me in.
All right.
All right.
All right.
All right.
All right.
- I know it's all right.
- In you jump.
Come on.
Are you all right? Good girl.
There you go.
Now, where would you like to go? We could go to the cinema, skating No, we'll go to school.
Don't think me unkind Sociology is about hierarchy.
You know Words are hard to find and social origin and condition The only cheques I've left unsigned Well, if that's the case From the banks of chaos In my mind - Woo! And when their eloquence escapes me - Woo-hoo! Their logic ties me up and rapes me De do do do, de da da da Is all I want to say to you De do do do, de da da da Their innocence will pull me through De do do do De da da da is all I want to say to you - Goal! De do do do - Yes! Yes! De da da da - One-nil.
They're meaningless and all that's true - Go on, yes! Hooray! One-all! Ha-ha! Got you! Poets, priests and politicians Have words to thank for their positions Words that scream for your submission And no-one's jamming their transmission And when their eloquence escapes you Their logic ties you up and rapes you I'm sorry I'm late, I Wow! You look great! Who is he? I haven't done anything.
No, but you're thinking about it.
I'm two days late.
- That doesn't mean anything.
- So I'm finding out.
So, who is he? Married, of course.
No, that's good, cos you both know why you're there.
Look, Charity, I know my history's not very good but you have to realise that variety isn't an answer to anything.
Except maybe for super cocks when they don't believe they're alive unless they're getting it up every day with a new woman.
Can be fun.
Usually only makes things worse.
For me, there's only ever been James.
First and only.
I'd be too embarrassed to do anything.
You'll get over it.
It's not as though I'm looking for a relationship or anything serious.
It's just I'd like, for once, to be wanted by somebody male and grown-up.
I began to lose control - Here we are.
- Thanks.
I didn't mean to hurt you - How's about this, then? All right? - That's great.
Thank you.
I'm sorry that I made you cry At least James comes home every night, pays the bills, loves the children.
- You don't even like him.
- I do.
I just don't think he's your type.
And, anyway, you have to realise that screwing around is different for women.
It's got something to do with the whole business of being entered.
It's one thing to burgle a flat, another to have to live in it afterwards or, in the case of your husband, drop in for the occasional visit.
Our parents used to manage.
- How long've you been married? Three years? - Two.
And do you love him? There aren't any hassles.
He loves me I think.
See, that's what I thought about James.
But I'm getting old and I don't want this to have been it.
Maybe you need a holiday.
Come back to the same old routine and find that's all that's keeping us together, and then know for certain that I'm the one doing the staying together all by myself? You're looking nice, these days.
Thank you.
Those belong to me! - I was only borrowing them.
- You should've asked first.
- Now give them back! - Wait till I've finished.
- I'll tell Mum.
- Yeah, I'm really scared.
- Go and see what's going on, will you? - No, they'll be all right.
- Give my pens back! - Good for them to sort it out on their own.
If you do that again, I'll thump you.
Yeah? You and whose army? That hurt! Give me that jumper.
It's mine now.
Ow! Give it to me, you smelly pig.
What's going on here? Rachel, what the hell do you think you're doing? - Ow! - Tom! Come here! Tom! Who the hell do you think you are? Don't you ever hit your sister like that again.
Don't you hit anyone like that again and don't walk away when I'm talking to you, not ever.
What you give is what you get Some more coffee? What is it? I'll get the coffee.
- There's something wrong.
- It's all right.
- No, there's gotta be something wrong.
- It's all right.
We'll try again.
Between March and April, just over 33,000 people joined the dole queues, putting the total to 2,517,958.
But, compared with the closing months of 1980, when the monthly increase often averaged 100,000, it's clear the rate has slowed considerably.
But that was still not much cheer for Jim Prior, the Employment Secretary.
Unemployment, he said, would continue to hit the country hard for some time yet.
Other reaction, from Mr Prior's Labour shadow Eric Varley, "An indelible stain on the Government's record.
" From Len Murray, "Another dismal and depressing" - You said you were coming in.
- Well, I've still got masses of work to do.
- But you work all the time.
- My thesis is due in six months.
Anyway, what difference does it make? You were asleep.
Turn the telly off and I'll come and work in the sitting room.
- There's nothing to do.
- And don't forget tomorrow's Thursday.
I'll be back about 10.
Stay out as long as you like.
Sorry, I thought you were a burglar.
I didn't know you were here.
Well, I work late every Thursday.
- Do you need any help? - No.
I'm meant to be drafting a proposal for my book, but Mavis has been on at me, you know, to sort this.
Well, she'll be pleased with the result.
To tell you the truth, I fancy a drink.
Do you have time? Well, I'm working on my thesis but Well, we could talk about it over a drink, if you think it would help.
- All right, yes.
I'll get my stuff.
- OK.
Look, my idea is that an individual social identity is not is created not really by other people, but by one's self, you see, through the - Pâté salad, sir? - No, thank you.
through the conscious and unconscious management and presentation of self.
Most things we do, we do as a matter of course, of habit.
That's why I'm so interested in the first actions people perform on waking, you know? What do you do? Ha! Groan.
I know, but then what? I take the book off the alarm clock.
I turn off the alarm.
Which book? That changes.
Yeah, I know, but now, which book? John Donne.
"But Flopsy and Mopsy and Cotton-tail had bread and milk and blackberries for supper.
The end.
" Night-night.
- Love you.
- You too.
Get off me! I'm coming.
- I thought you were reading.
- We were.
- Lights out in 10 minutes.
- OK.
- I mean it.
- Yeah, yeah.
I mean it.
- Give you a lot of work? - Yeah.
- Can I help? - No.
- Sure? - Yes.
You know, when I was your age, I stopped talking to my parents for four whole years, for no reason at all.
I hope it doesn't happen to us.
Dad, I have an exam tomorrow.
- Dad? - Yeah? When's Mum coming home? Soon.
You're an unusual woman.
I ought to go, you know.
- Excuse me - Yes, sir? - Is it possible? - Of course.
Thank you.
No, I mean it.
I'm not - I don't think I've ever met anyone like you.
- No, well, you wouldn't, would you? - Why? - There isn't anyone quite like me.
You have all the power really, don't you? Women? I don't mean silly power, like money, or politics, or any of that.
Real power, do you know? Real power.
Fundamental power.
So have you had lots of affairs, then? No, I haven't had lots of affairs.
Why do you ask? Doesn't matter.
Does your wife know? - Your wine, sir.
- Thank you very much.
Some people don't want to know the truth, even if they know it.
I protect her by being discreet, that's all.
I have to have affairs.
But, to be involved, it makes me feel vital.
I don't tell my wife because I love her.
And l-I don't want to hurt her.
I don't want to leave her.
And, apart from anything else, the children would be upset.
I'm wondering if she remembers me at all I can't make myself turn my back on new experiences.
Many times I've often prayed Don't you agree? In the dark You hurt by deceiving.
Well, I don't think so, and I don't quite know why you're going on about this.
L-I mean Are you trying to prove something, like I'm a dreadful person? Yes, of course you're a dreadful person, you're a man.
So if you're travelling in a north country fair Doesn't mean I don't like you.
Where the winds head heavy on the border line Are you hungry? Remember me to the one who lives there Look at me.
- We're falling in love.
- I know.
We can't.
- Why not? - Because I don't fall in love, for one thing and I really, really don't want to fall in love.
Yeah, but we will make love.
- You'll love me and - I can't.
I understand.
I know there are women, special women, women like you, who can't go to bed with a man unless they love him.
- And men like you.
I've got to go.
- Well, I'll run you home.
- No, it's OK, I've got my bike.
Hello, my darling.
These are for you.
So how are you? Is everything OK? I did well, this evening, with the book.
Good work, I think.
I hope.
I think.
Would you like some more wine? I must have a pee.
I'd love supper.
The GLC have responsibility over many areas and they have a big budget.
They spend well over 1,000 million pounds a year.
400 million goes to housing.
The rest, on roads and transport generally, health and safety, on the arts, and so on.
But the actual power wielded by the Greater London Councillors is not that great.
London boroughs and their councillors - I got through chapter six in my thesis.
even greater grip on local affairs.
The GLC is also severely restricted by the government.
All capital expenditure has to be approved by Parliament and the government imposes spending targets.
And so, whoever wins the elections, there's a limit on how much radical change or reform they can actually put into practice.
You'll come to me Like a child that's lost its way You'll make me laugh and make me cry With the words that you say Will your love be around for a while? Or be gone with the dawn and a smile? I am a woman One day I'm gonna fly And if I say that I want you to stay Will you? Will you steal my whole life away? I am a woman Don't you know that I am a woman? I said I am a woman And one day I'm gonna fly