The Men's Room (1991) s01e02 Episode Script

Episode 2

1 At least the weather here in Cornwall is better than the news.
Maybe Michael Heseltine's report on conditions in Liverpool will bring some hope to that riot-torn city.
Then again, pigs might fly.
Imperial has announced a packet of 20 Embassy is going up 3p to 95 pence.
Life is so bad, even the Moonies are deserting us, but the new line-up on TV looks promising though, especially Thames new season, headlined by Waugh's Brideshead Revisited.
Hey, watch out! Be careful.
I told you it wouldn't work, anyway.
Look what you've done.
Why does he have to come? I've asked you 100 times.
Daddy can help you, can't he? Look, Daddy is an economist, he's not a sociologist.
He doesn't understand anything about my work.
Swim.
- Only if you come.
- No, I don't want to.
- Please.
- Listen, Rachel, I'll watch you from here.
- You can swim by yourself.
- I don't like it.
- Yes, you do.
- I only like it when you come.
All right.
Jump! Yeah! Snap.
All we're missing is the Rachmaninov.
- Is it all right if I kiss you? - Of course.
I mean, there's no-one about, or anything? Well So tell me about the people we're staying with.
I've already told you.
Sally was brought up with me in Sidcup.
Eric is her husband.
Every conversation I have is with you, you know.
Every night, I take you to bed in my arms, truly.
Why don't you pull over when you can? What is it? What did you tell your wife? I'm at a conference.
Delivering a paper? - It has nothing to do with you.
- Yes, it has.
Look, I want to make love to you.
I thought you wanted to.
If you don't, then Come here.
There is a problem.
What? Well, it's not really a problem, it's just I couldn't do anything else, really.
What? Rachel's here.
- I don't believe you.
- Look I couldn't exactly force her to spend a holiday in the Lakes with her father and brothers, could I? Anyway, it isn't really a problem.
She does go to bed early and - Yeah.
she usually sleeps through.
And it would've looked very strange if I hadn't brought her.
Yeah.
I've never done this sort of thing before.
- I know you've got it down to a fine art.
- That's not fair.
Look, I know you know I've been to bed with lots of women and some of them were friends and some of them were nothing, but this is different.
You're different.
Remember what we promised? I'd never phone you at home? No.
Yeah, the other one.
You'd never lie to me.
I'll never lie to you, that one.
- Mark, this is Sally.
Sally, Mark.
- Hello.
How do you do? Thank you for letting me come.
- Rachel is helping Eric with the barbecue.
- Great.
- I'll show you to your room, shall I? - Yeah, thanks.
- Where is it? - There.
No, no, it's over there.
It's blown over there.
Can you go and get it for me? I'll count to 10, see if you can get it back to me by the time I count to 10, OK.
So one, two Hurry up.
four, five Have you got it? - Yeah.
Yeah? Right, bring it back five, six, seven.
Well done.
Brilliant.
Would you like a sausage? Do you like sausages? Great, you've got the wine.
Last time I felt like this, I broke out in hives.
Don't worry.
He obviously has everything under control.
You don't like him.
I've been to bed with too many like him so, if you take my advice, worked out over years of sobbing with Mars Bars and Woman's Own in a bar don't expect to change him.
Sally, I learned that when I was about 16 years old.
No, that's when we were told it.
I don't know any woman who actually believes it.
I think the species would probably die out.
But you, my dear, have landed yourself the classic middle-aged specimen.
- Are you drunk? - No.
I'm nervous for you.
You've been off the market too long.
I've never been on the market.
Well, be prepared because soon, when you're naked and immolated, he'll announce his wife expects him home for supper.
I'm sorry, that was a terrible thing to say.
It's wanting to make babies and not managing it, it makes me dreadful.
No, thank you.
Anyway, the sex is bound to be great.
- Hurry up.
- Just don't confuse it with love.
What if I already have? How can I go on living with James, if I already have? Da-dah! Here we are, then.
- Come on.
- Lovely.
- Great.
- Bring that bottle.
- Is she all right with that? - She's fine, don't worry.
- Here we are.
Take that, Sally.
- There you are.
- You can have some Coca-Cola.
- I'm going to have a glass of wine.
- Is that all you've done? - There's plenty more down there.
- Eric, this is Mark.
- How do you do? - Hello.
Pleased to meet you.
- And you.
And this must be Rachel.
Hello.
Say hello, darling.
- So how's it all going? - I'm just glad I'm not giving a paper.
- But you're all all right, aren't you? - Yes.
Yes, we're all fine.
- Good.
OK.
- I've got an estimate for the roof.
I must go.
I want to try and catch Harrison, before he disappears for the night.
- All right.
I'll try - And don't worry if I don't call tomorrow, OK? - Take care.
- Yeah.
- And kiss the girls.
OK.
- Yeah, I will.
- Miss you.
- Yeah.
- Bye-bye.
- I love you.
Was that your wife? It's time for bed, isn't it? Do you have any children? Two girls, but they're older than you.
You should have brought them with you.
Yes, well Shall we try and find your mummy? So do you think you'll go to sleep now? Are you coming to bed? Yes, I won't be a minute, but I want you to go to sleep, all right? Sleep well.
Hey.
Hey.
Come here.
- I thought you were asleep.
- No, no.
Come here.
Come here.
- Are you all right? - Your feet are cold.
Sorry.
- Are you all right? - It's a tiny bed.
- Just - I've got it.
It's OK.
All right? - Sorry.
Sorry.
- Sorry.
It's all right.
Lay back.
Lay back.
Lay back.
Please, please What? Not yet? Good night, then.
Please.
No.
- Well, relax.
- I am.
I can't.
I can't.
I can't.
- I'm sorry.
- You're too I can't tense.
Jesus Christ, this is so ridiculous.
No, no.
How long is it since anybody made love to you properly - properly? - 1942.
- No, don't.
Sorry.
I'm sorry, I really am.
Don't.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
Let me.
Let me.
Let me please you, yeah? - OK.
- Yeah.
Come There, there.
There you are.
Hi.
Have a nice time? - Keep the change.
- Cheers.
Daddy, I'm home.
- Hello, precious.
Welcome home.
- Hurry up, you two.
- Hey, you've lost another tooth.
- I know.
- Get a move on.
You're so slow.
- That was brilliant timing.
Hello.
Yeah, we just got in.
- Oi! Stay out of my room! - Boys, come and give me a kiss.
Have you brought me anything? - Yes, Kendal Mint Cake.
- Mint Cake? I hate it.
- How was your weather? - Fine.
Hey, you two have got a tan.
Mummy had a friend in the country.
His name is Mark.
He has a wife and two girls.
He phoned his wife every night, really quietly.
You were working as a waitress - It's just Mark Carleton.
You know, the head of my department.
It's a final run-through of my thesis.
God, he's a boring man.
I shook you up and turned you around Turned you into someone new Now, five years later on, You've got the world at your feet Success has been so easy for you - I'm going to the office.
I'll be back by supper.
It's me who put you where you are now - All right, fine.
And I can put you back down too - Can I come? Can I come? Don't Don't you want me? You know I can't believe it - Well When I hear that you won't see me, Don't - Goodbye, then.
- Bye.
You know I don't believe you When you say that you don't need me - Can I come? Can I come? - Can I come? When you think you've changed your mind You'd better change it back, or we will both be sorry Don't you want me, baby? Don't you want me, oh-oh-oh-oh? Don't you want me, baby? James, can I have a word with you in my office? I've separated the post.
This is in-house, this urgent, the rest can wait.
Would you like a coffee? Nice holiday? Is everything all right? Can I help? - They are gorgeous, darling.
Thank you.
- It's a pleasure, my love.
How's the book? Did you manage to talk to any of those chaps at the conference about it? I don't seem to be able to get it I don't know.
And I really don't fancy any more long evenings at college and the publishers are restless.
- Do you know what I think's wrong with it? - What? You want to know if what we do every day as a matter of course - is culturally-based or biologically-based, right? - Yeah.
Well, how are you going to tell, if everybody's the same? - You mean same culture, same country? - Yes.
I see.
What? You mean look around the world, study the differences? - Yes, exactly.
- That would involve an international study.
You'd need centres wherever, Paris, Stockholm, Berlin It would mean you wouldn't be able to spend so much time in the college.
Well, there'd be an awful lot of trips abroad.
In the interests of your career.
In the interests of my career, certainly.
Just so long as, when you are home, you're extra specially attentive.
- I promise.
- Look me in the eye when you say that.
I promise I will be.
You've no idea, have you, what it means to me, coming home? I feel safe and I love you.
It's like coming home.
Jesus H Christ, the man's a bloody fool.
God! First day back and look at all this mess.
We can't even manage a decent tea area.
So which man's a fool? Choose a name, you can't go wrong.
Hello, everyone.
Nice to be back.
I'm sorry? - Lots of lovely snaps of the kiddies? - Yes, Steve, I'll bore you with them some day.
- Can I make you a coffee? - No, thank you.
Do you not hear what I'm telling you? The man is a bloody fool.
The whole thing's stupid.
What is he thinking of doing with his students? - Carleton? - Of course.
He's planning an international study: New York, Milan, Tokyo, Stockholm He's got his hooks into somebody at ESRC.
They've coughed up a quarter of a million.
All he has to find is matching funds.
He's already interviewing for his first research post.
It's brilliant.
When your study's overdue and you haven't begun, what do you do? Make it bigger.
- Who's gonna take his lectures? - Well, back to the grindstone.
International studies are a bloody minefield, anyway.
Look at that simp - that twerp Washburn.
10 years it took him to interview his Alzheimer victims.
By the time he got to them, half of them were dead.
One of them actually even died during the interview.
What? Sorry, no matches.
- I haven't forgotten you.
I know you're there.
- I just have to see Mark.
- No, Charity.
- I won't be a Careful! - So, after Manchester, what? - Sorry.
- Can I speak to you for a moment? - Yes, of course.
Four o'clock, would that suit you? Right.
I thought I'd get a sandwich for lunch, eat in the park.
- Join me? - Ivan, I'm sorry, I just Never mind, Ivan.
Take those.
I'm sorry.
It was really stupid, barging in like that.
It won't happen again.
- I know it's hard, but we have to be careful.
- I know, I know, I know.
Charity I tried to find you this morning to tell you myself.
Yes and I was late.
The children sense the tension.
I can't get them to do anything.
But we'll still have time.
Maybe when I go away, you could come with me.
Huh? Come in.
Sorry, Ivan.
Ivan, don't forget the meeting later on, will you? I've found a new junior research assistant.
Seems good.
You're invited, along with the department, for drinks tonight, a welcomer, at the Enterprise.
But it's our first chance to be alone together.
- James is taking the children.
- I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, but there's so much to think about and I can't get out of it now.
Maybe I could change my late night to tomorrow.
I'm in Oxford.
I'm sorry.
Next week, I promise.
I promise.
OK? OK.
I'll see you later.
I'll see you there.
OK? And remember, we're just good colleagues, OK? I didn't know I had a rival.
"Pack your bags, I won a fortune on the pools.
" She says, "What shall I pack?" He says, "What do you mean, what should I pack?" She says, "Well, should I pack my winter clothes or my summer clothes?" And he says he says, "Pack what you want, just get out the house by the time I get back.
" That was dreadful.
- It depends on your point of view, doesn't it? - Perhaps in your case it can't be helped.
After all, raised consciousness can only exist in something a little higher up the food chain.
- Anyway, to Delia and let's just say welcome.
- Welcome, Delia.
- Delia, welcome.
- Welcome, Delia.
- Good summer, Margaret? - Yes.
- Where did you go? - A women's retreat in Northumberland.
- Really? - Wonderful.
Lots of walking and time to think.
- Did you go by yourself? - I didn't go with anyone, if that's what you mean.
- Is that what you mean? - Yes.
You're not a feminist are you, Charity? I dunno, it depends what you mean.
Personally, I've been lucky.
I haven't experienced any discrimination.
You don't have to experience something to know it exists.
Discrimination is structural first, personal second.
False consciousness.
Maybe it's because you've spent most of your time in a female world.
In reality, the real world is a men's world.
World? More like room.
Yes.
And they do keep the door closed, whenever they do anything nasty.
And if I disagree, I just prove your point.
Like the patient and the psychoanalyst.
So tell us, Margaret, why are you a feminist? Because I simply couldn't be anything else.
There are so many women like you around: Middle-class women who don't see the need to adopt a political position on gender, but you will, one day.
Either when it becomes acceptably radical, or when you find out for yourself in a personal, painful way, that women are oppressed.
Maybe it's because you're not serious about your work.
Well, no, I mean, it must be difficult with a husband and kids and all that.
And, statistically, there's a 40% chance that you've got a male lover.
How do you stand on male lovers, then, Margaret? I know, ideologically, that I should reject all connections with the oppressor but I'm afraid I still need men.
I don't, of course, like them.
They are spineless creatures whose entire existence is designed to protect their fragile egos against the awful truth.
- Which is? - That, biologically and socially, you're completely redundant.
That's very interesting.
Bollocks.
Men don't know how to relate to women.
All they know is how to fuck them.
Mind you, some of them can't even do that properly.
Patronising bitch.
And you were no better, sitting there smirking.
Whose side are you on, anyway? Mark, don't do that.
Mark, don't think you can just do that.
Stop it.
Is that not nice? No.
No.
Yes.
Stop it.
Prove it.
Prove it here.
- Here? Don't be Don't be silly.
- Prove it, then.
- I thought you said you liked it.
- Just cos I won't do it in some public place - You don't like it.
You're frightened.
- Come on.
- What of? - Sex.
Like as if you, like, you lose control.
I tell you, I can guarantee you you never had a decent orgasm in your life.
Yeah, go on.
No, hit me.
Hit me.
Go on.
Try it.
Try it.
Go on.
I won't.
I promise, I won't hit you back.
Go on.
Smack me.
Yeah, go ahead.
Go on.
Hit me.
Yeah, that's nice.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Good.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you back.
- Dad hasn't come home.
- What? It's 10:30.
Have you all been alone all evening? - You should have phoned.
- I did, you weren't there.
- God, I'm sorry.
- We had spaghetti on toast.
The twins are a pain in the bum, but I think they've shut up now.
I made Rachel some cocoa.
She's asleep.
You've been brilliant.
Now it's time you got to bed.
- Where's Dad? - I don't know, darling.
Don't worry about it.
Harry said he could've had an accident.
Do you think he has had an accident? No, I'm sure everything's fine.
- Are you all right? - Sssh! You bloody bastard.
It's 3:15.
You're about 12 hours late.
If it hadn't been for Tom, do you realise? Who the hell do you think you are? I've got a headache.
I'm going to bed.
The kids were alone all evening.
Don't you even care? Piss off.
Mavis? He still hasn't rung in yet.
Look, if it's really important, why don't you ring his wife? Maybe he's had to go out of town, or something.
Look, I'm going home now.
If you do speak to him, can you tell him to ring me there? It's sort of an emergency.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi, Mum.
- Come on, let's watch telly.
- Hello.
What's on? Hey, give me that, it's mine.
- Where's mine, then? - I don't know.
Look on the sofa.
- Didn't you go to work? - Daddy's got a bug.
- What's a bug? - It's something that makes you feel ill.
- A cowboy film or a cartoon.
- Watch television please, Rachel.
- You're not going to fight, are you? - Sit here and watch the film.
- What channel is it on? - BBC2.
- I wanna watch Bugs Bunny.
- Yeah, sure you do.
We'll tell you afterwards.
- Is John Wayne in the film? - Come on, Tom.
Switch it on.
- We'll miss the beginning.
- OK, OK, it's starting.
- What are you watching? - Shut up, Rachel.
- What about Bugs Bunny? - Shut up! Well? Aren't you gonna say anything? - I didn't only get drunk.
- Bang! - I slept the night with someone.
- Vidal Sassoon, ã35.
25 in your cheque book.
That's my property.
You have no right.
Ha! - Who is she? - My secretary.
How clichéd.
How abs - Hello? - Is Charity Walton there, please? - Hold on a minute.
Take my tears And that's not nearly all Tainted love Tainted love - Charity, I can't hear you.
Now I know - Is there something wrong with your phone? James was in the room.
We were having a row.
He was out all night with his secretary.
- So? He's obviously home now.
- Yes, he's back now.
- But he was screwing her, for God's sake.
You don't really want any more from me - Charity, James is only doing what we are.
- That's not the point.
It's not the same.
This secretary thing isn't important.
Why does it upset you so much? Christ! If you can't see I'm sorry, I don't play that way Listen, Charity, you won't tell James about us, will you? - Because it's our secret, yes? Now I run from you It's precious.
If everyone knew, it wouldn't be the same.
- You - Charity? - Charity, do you understand? Take my tears and that's not nearly all Charity? Mark Carleton, wasn't it? You're having an affair.
You've been having an affair for months, haven't you? You bloody whore! Here I am, plucking up the courage to tell you about one night, one single bloody night when I was unfaithful to you, and you've been having it off with him for how long? I need a drink.
I'm sorry.
Charity I'm confused.
So am I.
Charity? You're not watching telly.
Come and sit down.
I won't hurt you.
Shelley wants to look after me.
Friends tell me she's attracted to waifs and strays but I don't love her.
Things haven't been great for us, not for a long time, I grant you but can't we still be friends? Couldn't we try again? Do you love him? I dunno.
Is he going to leave his wife? Let's just leave things for a bit.
See what happens.
I love the kids.
I couldn't stand not seeing them every day.
Wow! Do I have to tell the story Of a thousand rainy days - Thank you.
- "To Daddy, from Mummy.
" Since we first met? - Great.
Thank you.
It's a big enough umbrella But it's always me that ends up getting wet Every little thing she does is magic Everything she do just turn me on Even though my life before was tragic Now I know my love for her Goes on I resolve to call her up A thousands times a day And ask her if she'll marry me Some old-fashioned way But my silent fears have gripped me Long before I reach the phone Long before my tongue has tripped me Must I always be alone? Every little thing she does is magic - I do hope the children are OK.
- They'll be fine.
They'll be fine.
Why don't you Why don't you go back to the hotel? You could rest, you know.
OK.
OK.
And the meeting won't be long.
All right.
I would never, ever do anything to hurt you.
Do you unders? I would never, ever do anything to hurt you.
- OK.
- OK.
n outlaw once again Time to change Superman will be with us while he can In the land of make believe Some salami and bread.
Lots and lots And butter, please.
Have I said that already, butter? Yeah, OK.
I'm sorry, I have to go now.
This is beautiful.
I don't think I've ever felt like this with anyone before, do you know? I don't mean just physically, or you know, emotionally, intellectually Do you know, you're my friend and and and my lover.
But not your wife.
You wanna be my wife, yeah? You wanna be my wife? - What do you want, the washing? - That's what a wife is, is it? So they tell me, you know.
Thank you.
Are you OK? Come on.
Yeah.
Make me a promise.
Whatever you decide to do with James, don't make this responsible for it.
It would destroy us.
I mean, do whatever you have to do, but be sure that it's for you.
Do you know? OK.
OK.
- I tell you what - What? If we're still alive in the year 2000, I'll meet you here, on Valentine's Day, February 14th.
I'll meet you here.
Early morning waking is a sign of depression.
You don't say.
I've been thinking.
Rather a lot recently, actually.
I'm sure you have.
I don't think I can live with you any more.
I don't love you and I'm not sure I ever did.
Thank you.
Actually, it doesn't matter.
I was going to say the same thing myself.
Shelley's pregnant.
She can't be.
- I'm the father, of course.
- You can't be.
You mean you can leave me, but I can't leave you? I always doubted your notion of sexual equality.
What about the children - our children? Now you think about the children? Now? Why didn't you think about them, before you started screwing your boss? It's your fault, all of this.
It's your fault.
What's she got that I haven't, apart from a pregnancy? What you have in name only: Charity.
All you ever cared about was your life plan.
First a husband, then a home, children, a successful academic career Never once did you ask me what I wanted.
You use me.
Shelley doesn't use me.
It's not women who are oppressed, it's men.
Yes, well, now I'm getting out and you're going to be on your own.
Unless, of course, you've worked out where Mark Carleton and his wife fit into your little plan? - Bye, Mummy.
- Bye, darling.
I'm taking the day off work.
Are you OK? You come to me Like a child that's lost its way You'll make me laugh and make me cry With the words that you say Will your love be around for a while? Or be gone with the dawn and a smile? I am a woman One day I'm gonna fly And if I say that I want you to stay Will you? Will you steal my whole life away? I am a woman Don't you know that I am a woman? I said I am a woman And one day I'm gonna fly