The Middle s09e21 Episode Script

The Royal Flush

1 - - [SIGHS] Hey.
How do I get off of this thing? Oh, I told you we should've broken with those people years ago.
So, listen, uh, thanks for grabbing lunch with me.
There's kind of something I wanted to talk to you about.
Help yourself.
So, I'm on my way to an appointment this morning.
And I get this call from Denver.
Denver? Who do you know in Denver? Well, it's this guy, Will Harris.
We overlapped for a few weeks at Jackson Plumbing, and how he's over at Hinterland Sports.
You ever heard of 'em? Camping gear we can't afford? Right, so it's kind of crazy, but he says there's an opening in his department and he wants to know if I want to interview for it.
Guess he thought I had sales chops.
Wow, that's flattering.
Is that something you might actually want to do? I don't know.
Seems kind of cool and it's a national company, so you can move up and stuff.
But I don't know.
They just want me to come out, talk to 'em, and check it out.
Well, maybe you should.
Yeah, yeah, I mean, I've got a day off owed to me, so I was thinking I could drive out, interview, and come back the next day.
So, uh, what should I do? You think it's a good idea? I do think it's a good idea.
I'll tell you what's a bad idea, though - Hm? - telling your mother.
- Why? - You know how your mom is.
If she thinks there's even a chance of you moving away, she'll get all worried and freak herself out.
So what do I tell her? It's a quick trip.
You're in and out so much she probably won't even notice you're gone.
If she does, I'll cover for ya.
What's with the basket? I'm putting it together for Grandma for Mother's Day.
Check it out.
I've got all her favorite stuff Jordan Almonds, a pre-highlighted "TV Guide," and a pair of tweezers 'cause she kept asking me if I took her good tweezers when she was here.
And I yelled at her and then I realized I actually had by mistakes.
Oh, by the way, I'm really only asking for planning purposes, are we doing anything Sunday for Mother's Day? This Sunday?! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, I am the worst daughter ever! Gotcha.
Bah-bam! Like, I'm ever gonna forget Mother's Day! [TYPING] - - [TYPING] [CRICKETS CHIRPING] - Ahh! - Oh! What are you doing? Look, sometimes when a woman reaches a certain age, she gets hot in the middle of the night and she needs to get up and go put ice cream sandwiches under her boobs.
What are you doing up at 3:00 in the morning? Getting a snack that will never, ever again be ice cream sandwiches.
Why do you have your briefcase? Oh, I'm going to work.
What do you need a duffel bag for at work? Did I say work? [CHUCKLES] I meant work out.
Yeah, now's the best time to go 'cause I can get on any equipment I want.
So, anyway, I'm gonna be in and out, probably more out than in, so I'll see you when I see you.
Brick! Are you not getting my texts? We have to figure out Mother's Day.
Oh, if it were 1947, we could take her to Collier's Family Restaurant, but it closed in 1983 due to a fire and never re-opened.
That's great! But we got to find someplace to take Mom in this century.
Ahh, 1983 that was Box Number Nine.
I worked my way through all nine boxes of microfiche I got from the library.
And it's over.
Really, Brick? You read all that microfiche? Yep.
Nine years worth of stories done.
I should've appreciated it more.
I guess I could go back and look through 'em again.
But, it's not the same knowing there aren't any new ones coming.
Okay, get up.
Get up.
Get up! Stop living in the past.
You have spent the last year hunched over that thing, missing out on life.
There is a whole world out there, Brick.
It's called Orson, Indiana.
Hey, you grieve for the microfiche in your way, and I'll grieve in mine.
Ugh, whatever.
Just think of a Mom gift.
I'm getting an ice cream sandwich.
I hope they're not mushy like last time.
[CELLPHONE CHIMES] I don't understand this.
Phones are for emergencies and ordering pizza.
That's it.
Look, we're lucky we have a daughter who wants to share with us.
Not like Axl.
He was acting really weird the other night.
And where's he been lately? It's like he's never around.
Oh, I saw him.
He was in.
And then out again.
And the in again.
Oh, he's in now? Um, y-yeah, I think so.
Oh, 'cause I need to tell him that What are you doing? [CELLPHONE CHIMES] You know what, I was wrong.
He is out, actually.
He's working out.
Again? He was working out at the crack of dawn the other day.
Hey, what's wrong with buffing up? Nothing wrong with going to the gym.
You could certainly go to Curves more.
Uh, well, if we're doling out personal advice, you could answer your daughter's text.
[TYPING] Get me off this thing.
Brick, what are you doing? You were supposed to be making a list of potential Mom gifts.
You said I was spending too much time with the microfiche, and you were right.
I thought I could never love again.
But I've discovered something so much better.
Have you heard of this "Val-U Pack"? It's loaded with literally hundreds of dollars worth of savings, and it comes in this handy carrying case.
Look at all these typefaces italic, bold, serif, sans serif it's a veritable font of fonts! And so much creative wordplay.
Check out this gutsy spelling of "Through" T-H-R-U! It's almost naughty.
Yeah, I've heard of 'em, Brick.
Everyone has.
They come every week.
What?! How could we be passing up all these great deals? "Free brake inspection at Tire Time," "$10 off Captain Suds power wash," oh, and check this out, walk-in tubs.
All these years, we've been climbing into our tubs like idiots! This is not what I meant when I said you should start living life.
"Half off your next pair of contact lenses.
" I hope I have bad eyesight 'cause if they botch my laser surgery this lawyer will hunt them down! Brick, get a grip! We are not gonna find a gift for Mom in this stupid Val-U Pack! No, I had those in font groups! Wait, look at this.
"King's Head Bar and Grill.
" Yeah, not a fan of Canterbury Bold.
No, under "50% off fish and chips.
" "Trivia Contest Grand Prize a trip for two to London for the royal wedding.
" This is it.
We got to win this for Mom, Brick.
It's everything she loves weddings, the royal family, a trip to actual London? This would make up for a lot of inflatable foot baths.
True, but this is us we're talking about.
Winning something? You think we even have a shot? I always think I have a shot.
I'm usually wrong, but let's do it anyway.
I cannot believe you have a fake ID.
Font Club is very underfunded.
That's how we used to raise money our treasurer has low scruples and a gift.
Well, he did, until he got expelled.
Yeah, but come on, Brick, you don't exactly look 32.
Look at me from here to here.
I see it now.
I voted in the last election.
Welcome to King's Head.
We got a special tonight on $2 whiskey shots.
Oh, no, no, no.
My ID is fake.
Two ginger ales and we'll try the 50% off fish and chips.
I think you're gonna want to roll out the red carpet when you see that we have a coupon from the Val-U Pack.
[CELLPHONES CHIME] [TYPING] You don't need to find Axl.
Just let me do it.
I'm the man.
Just let me bring home the plumbing supplies.
Don't go bugging him in Denver.
Denver? What? I didn't say Denver.
Get your hearing checked, lady.
When I said Denver, I meant Denver omelet.
What? Yeah, he likes those now.
He likes Denver omelets.
Okay, why are you telling me this? Boy, you say you like conversation.
But when I go to start one, I get shot down.
Why are we talking about Denver omelets? I don't know.
I just I just think it's interesting.
Why is it called that? It's got ham and peppers nothing about that screams Denver to me.
Needs to be called a Western omelet.
How'd Denver end up with it? I mean, I know it's out west, but it's not that far out west.
Why isn't it called the Reno omelet or the Phoenix omelet? I know a lot of places have food named after 'em Buffalo wings, Texas toast, Boston baked beans.
Those make sense, but Denver omelet? I don't get it.
- [BUZZER] - The Seattle Space Needle.
Correct! Another 10 points for Heck Yeah.
Mmm, Brick, you are killing it! See? You made fun of me, but spending a year in front of the microfiche really paid off.
- Yep.
- And to think I might've wasted it - forging social bonds with my peers.
- Yeah.
Okay, right now, we have a three-way tie between Figgy Puddings, Colts Rule, and Heck Yeah! All right, this is it final question.
"What 1932 Marx Brothers movie is also a slang term for 'nonsense'?" - [BUZZER] - Why'd you do that?! 'Cause you always know the answer and you're slow on the buzzer.
Well, I might not know this one.
Um, Malarkey? Claptrap? Poppycock? 10 seconds "Horse Feathers"? Correct! Heck Yeah wins! Oh, my God, Mom's going to England! - We did it! We won! - She's gonna see the Queen! - Ahh! - Is this what sports people feel like?! Yeah! Ahh! Congratulations.
You guys really know your stuff.
Oh, thank you, thank you! It is all because of my brother who I'm sorry, what is this? Uh, your prize.
A, uh, $20 bar tab courtesy of King's Head Bar and Grill.
No, no, no, we won the big prize.
We're going to England.
Oh, no.
Tonight's just the semifinal.
All the bars in town have their own trivia contest.
And those winners will compete in the finals tomorrow night.
If you win that, then you go to England.
I'm gonna need something stronger than this.
Hit me with a Shirley Temple! [TYPING] - - Ugh! I am too excited to sleep.
And a little bit nervous.
I've never made it to a second round before.
Don't worry.
I think we've got a good shot.
Oh, can you imagine Mom's face when we give her an actual trip to London? I know.
Home of Charles Dickens, Sherlock Holmes oh, and I can't wait to hear one of their ambulances.
Wee-oo, wee-oo, wee-oo! What did you just say? Wee-oo, wee-oo, wee Nope.
The part about you going to London.
Oh, well, it's a trip for two and Dad won't want to go.
He says we beat 'em in 1776 and he doesn't want anything to do with 'em.
Brick, this trip is about weddings and romance.
Clearly Mom is gonna want to take her one and only daughter.
Besides, you're busy now with your Val-U Pack.
You know another one's gonna come and you won't be here to get it.
Well, it's Mother's Day, and our mother can decide to bring whoever she wants.
And if a coupon for 10% off a deck sanding happens to find its way into her purse, so be it.
Frankie, I'm so glad I caught you.
Could you bring in our mail on Monday? Ron's taking us all to Gatlinburg for Mother's Day weekend.
We're staying at that hotel with the giant walk-in totem pole.
It's nice to mix in some culture.
Hey, bring me back some taffy and I won't rifle through your drawers while you're gone.
Oh, you! - So, how's everything with you guys? - Oh, we're good.
Haven't seen much of Axl 'cause he's always in and out.
And Mike's up to something 'cause he's obviously lying to me, but he's so bad at it.
I think he's planning something for Mother's Day.
Oh, that's great! No, it's not.
He's the worst gift giver of all time.
It's gonna be horrible.
It's always horrible.
Poor Mike.
[SIGHS] You know what, you're right.
He does try.
I feel bad 'cause I'm not good at hiding my disappointment.
But, you know, it's hard to pretend to be excited when you open the box and it's yellow pants.
I'm not Meryl Streep.
[CHUCKLES] I hear you.
Sometimes, you wish you could just see the gift first so you can practice your reaction.
Hold on.
You might be onto something.
If I knew what my sucky gift was ahead of time, I could pre-disappoint myself and fake being grateful.
Let me try it.
Oh, look! Third notice on the gas bill.
I love it! Frankie, you're so funny.
Seriously, you need to pay that.
FRANKIE: Even against fiercer competition in the finals, with knowledge and a pretty good Shirley Temple buzz, Brick was on fire.
- [BUZZER] - The Yalta Conference.
"Afternoon Delight.
" Moms Mabley.
The Green Bay Packers.
"Ring around the collar.
" Correct! 10 point for Heck Yeah! Okay, we're down to our final round.
So, let's check the score.
In, uh, third place, with 200 points, London Calling.
- Whoo! - In second with 205, Trivia De Havilland.
And on top with 215 points, Heck Yeah.
Questions are now worth 20 points.
So it's anybody's game.
Ooh, I really have to go to the bathroom.
- Now?! - Well, you know we can't use the kid bathroom and Mom was in hers when we left.
I have been holding it in for two hours.
But you can't leave now! Well, that ship has sailed, Brick.
And it is coming into port.
You've been answering everything anyway.
I'll be back as quick as I can.
All right, next question.
"What show won the Tony Award for Best Musical in 1975 and how many total Tonys did it win?" - [BUZZER] - "The Wiz"! And it won 7 Tonys.
Correct! Trivia De Havilland is in the lead! Okay, we are down to the final question.
So for all the marbles and the trip to London "In the Taylor Swift song 'Stay Beautiful, ' whose eyes are 'like a jungle'? "In the Taylor Swift song 'Stay Beautiful' "whose eyes are 'like a jungle'"? [BUZZER] Zac Efron? Sorry, incorrect Anybody else? 15 seconds [BUZZER] The answer to that question about Taylor Swift the singer would be Sue! Whose "eyes are like a jungle"?! Cory! Cory's eyes are like a jungle! That is correct! Heck Yeah wins! Yeah! Oh, my God! I'm going to London! Mom is going to London and she's taking me! Except she's not 'cause she's taking me! Yeah! Hi, uh, sorry, but, uh, there seems to be a problem.
One of our judges saw you using your phone.
And as we stated at the beginning of the night, it's against the rules to look up answers on your phone.
Oh, but we weren't looking up answers.
We were just texting.
Yeah, I can explain.
See, the kid bathroom doesn't work and my brother went ahead and flushed so Sorry.
We have a no-phones-out policy.
So I'm afraid you're disqualified.
That means our winners are Trivia De Havilland! Yes! Okay, so what are we gonna get Mom? So, in order to spare my family's feelings, I had to find the crap gift they were planning on giving me for Mother's Day.
Unfortunately, they may not have been good at buying gifts, but they were sure good at hiding 'em.
[TYPING] - Ahh! - [GASPS] What are you doing down there? Oh, well, I woke up 'cause I was hot.
And I was gonna put a Nutty Buddy under my boobs.
And then I remembered it's cooler in your closet because of the vent.
Why are you up and dressed? Uh Are you going to the gym again? Yes.
Yes, I am.
ALL: Happy Mother's Day! Oh! Is that today? Yay! Hey, listen, I know we haven't always delivered in the Mother's Day department.
But this year, we had an amazing idea.
We entered a trivia contest where the grand prize was a trip to London for Prince Harry's wedding.
Oh, my God, I'm going to the royal wedding?! Sadly, that did not pan out.
SUE: So then we thought, "Wouldn't it be great if Mom woke up on Mother's Day and the toilet was all fixed?" Well, it's not London, but that is really sweet.
Sadly, that did not pan out, either.
But we finally came up with something.
Where have you been hiding this? No, seriously.
Where have you been hiding it? Well, I am sure that whatever it is, I am going to love Okay, seriously, nothing? You're giving me nothing? Are you kidding me? This is an all-time low.
I can't even pretend that this is a decent gift.
I'm sorry.
I don't know how Meryl Streep does it.
And if you tell me, "Oh, this is a box full of love" or "It's to put my wishes in," I am going to tell you to shove it.
Hang on.
There is a gift.
It's just not one that we can give you right now.
But in a week I'm gonna bring my big TV out to the family room And we're all gonna watch the royal wedding with you.
Really? You guys are seriously gonna get up at the crack of dawn and watch it with me?! Not just that.
We're not gonna make fun of it.
- Or you.
- Or the hats.
- Or talk during it.
- Or read during it.
Or call it "lame" or "snore" or pretend to gouge our eyes out Axl.
And we're all gonna stay awake through all of it.
Even the waving on the balcony part? Yep.
And I'm even gonna study up so I know who everybody is.
Sue's making me royal flash cards.
Oh, you guys.
Oh, this is the best gift ever! And I am not even pretending or anything.
I mean, your dad was acting so weird that I thought it was gonna be something horrible.
But I-I love it.
I really love it.
Ooh, your boobs are freezing.
And for once, they actually delivered.
It was the best Mother's Day yet.
Oh, my God, her dress is gorgeous.
Isn't her dress gorgeous? Stunning.
You know, she had a little more leeway with her dress 'cause Harry's only fifth in line to the throne.
- Really? - Fascinating.
Hey, I've been there! - [GASPS] - You were at Windsor Castle?! No, no, no, no, no, no.
The bar across the street.
I puked right where that guard is standing.
Can I just say this is great? I get to watch the thing I want to watch and I get to do it with my whole family.
You know, these heat-n-serve scones are actually pretty good.
I'm gonna microwave up some more.
Anybody want another? Sure.
Okay, this guy getting out of the car is the, uh, Earl of Wessex.
Yeah, he's the youngest son of the Queen.
And a keen sports fan.
Oh, well done.
Yes, I think I've earned myself a celebratory ale from Yon Frugal Hoosier.
It's okay 'cause it's afternoon there.
What's up? I got it.
What? They offered me the Denver job.
It's mine if I want it.
What job? Uh