The Middleman s01e01 Episode Script
The Pilot Episode Sanction
Geez, Mom, what do you mean what am I doing in a science lab? I happen to be working with the top scientific minds in the country, Mom.
Hold on.
Thank you for calling A.
N.
D.
Laboratories, rescrambling your DNA.
How may I direct your call? This is a really important job, Mom.
As a matter of fact, yes, lots of art school graduates get science jobs.
- [phone ringing.]
- Oh, hold on.
Thank you for calling A.
N.
D.
Laboratories, rescrambling your DNA.
How may I direct your call? [phone beeps.]
Yes, Mother, I'm still dating that guy, and his name's Ben.
No, he's not a homosexual.
- [phone rings.]
- He's in film school.
Hang on.
Thank you for calling A.
N.
D.
Laboratories.
I'm connecting your call.
[alarm blaring.]
[woman's voice over PA.]
Contamination alert.
[monster growls.]
Please hold.
Contamination alert.
- [blast.]
- [monster squealing.]
Alarm systems disengaged.
Excuse me, ma'am, but I am going to have to ask you to step aside.
[monster groans quietly.]
The human.
The one on my left.
[monster shrieks.]
[zapping.]
[monster howling.]
- Heck of a mess, huh? - Excuse me? [explosion, squelching.]
I said, "Heck of a mess, huh?" Whatever.
I'm a temp.
Hey, now.
The heat's on its way.
OK, cowgirl, here's your marching orders.
Anyone asks, this was a gas main explosion.
I was never here.
This conversation never took place.
Marching orders? What about the hentai tentacle monster? Tell the truth if you want.
If you do, I'll have to root you like a hog and kill you.
Sorry.
So, what's it going to be? Keep the secret or death? What do you think? Ma'am, specificity is the soul of all good communication.
Yes.
Duh.
[beeping.]
Outstanding.
You're good under pressure.
- Are you hitting on me? - Just making an observation.
- [banging.]
- Hello! Nutjob, party of one.
- [firemen chattering.]
- No, ma'am.
I'm just The Middleman.
- Are you all right? - Yeah.
[firemen talking.]
[traditional Italian music playing.]
[man.]
What you're saying is somebody whacked the entire Spaldoni Organization? Just like I said an hour ago.
Huge bloodbath.
Gonna be front page tomorrow morning.
But I did not give the order to wipe out the Spaldoni family.
That is an order that I did not give.
OK, Don Colfari, if you didn't give the order, then what does that mean? That would mean someone had to give the order.
- Someone that was not me.
- So maybe we oughta find who it was.
- So they don't come and whack us.
- Exactly.
It's like playing Mad Libs with guns.
[shouting.]
[bullet shells clinking.]
The police said the explosion was caused by a lighter, a polished silver Zippo lighter with a DC-3 airplane engraving.
- My dad's lucky lighter? - So you know something about it.
Oh, you don't think that Oh, come on.
I was just fidgeting with that lighter.
It's like an OCD thing only different.
OK, look.
I have three credit cards about to pop at the seams and my mother's on me 24-7 to quit painting, move back to Orlando, meet a good man, eat fried food, swell up like a tick and start squeezing out calves like Elsie mainlining fertility drugs.
We understand each other? Until we can be certain that one of our temps didn't burn down her last place of employment while playing with fire, there's nothing I can do.
A: when my father's DC-3 tragically crashed under as of yet unexplained and mysterious circumstances, I swore that I would never lose the only memento he left behind, which brings me straight to B: I did not cause that explosion.
- Can't find your lighter? - Want the truth? Those idiots were working on some whacked-out genetic experiment that went bonkers, and this monster made out of body parts attacked me.
This Middleman guy showed up and told me he'd kill me.
[loud noise.]
Sorry, ma'am, I warned you.
[blast.]
I get it.
Thank you.
- Yo, Wendy Watson.
- Hey, Noser.
- Who's the man? - That would be Shaft, Noser.
- What kinda man? - A complicated man.
- And who understands him? - No one but his woman.
Right on.
[exhales.]
Hey, Lacey, what's this crud on my Xbox? Can you describe the crud? Oh, that's just fake blood.
My animal liberation group is demonstrating in front of the Lapin Grillé tomorrow.
I'll be throwing buckets of that on the restaurant.
Just wait till it dries off.
OK, well, if you break this, you bought it.
I was just about to crack the Slovakian torture dungeon level on Gut Wrencher 3.
How can you play those games? They're so testosterone-y.
Why would you throw blood at a French bistro? Do you know what Lapin Grillé means? Uh, the Broiled Rabbit? Wow.
Glad I can tick that cause off my list.
I'm a confrontational spoken word performance artist.
I confront.
I speak.
Art.
What do you do, Dub-Dub? Well, I save the world in my own way.
Did I get any calls? Your mom called to ask if you're a lesbian.
And Ben called.
He wants to come later.
Has a surprise for you.
Did he say anything about world travel, champagne or diamonds? [laughs.]
What's it like being somebody's beard? He's in film school.
Oh, this weird temp agency called.
"The Jolly Fats Wehawkin Temp Agency?" - Never heard of them.
- Wanna see you immediately.
- Like right now immediately? - Yup.
Well, then wish me luck.
You're going like that? I'm way over my daily recommended allowance for corporate booty kissing.
If they want me now, they're shopping at the As Is department.
- Wendy Watson? - Who wants to know? Don't get fresh with me, missy, I'll split your lip.
What kind of temp agency is this? Kind that wants to put you in the satisfying and high-paying world of temporary employment.
- You wouldn't mind taking some tests first? - Tests? What are you, paralyzed from the neck up? Move it.
[beeping.]
[muted audio.]
So, what's next, target practice? Obstacle course? Cavity search? Don't let your pie-hole talk you out of a job, young lady.
Wendy Watson meet your new boss.
Evening, ma'am.
Is this the part where I ask who the hell you are and what the hell you do? My, we've got our skivvies in a bunch.
Lights.
[loud thud, whirring.]
I'm The Middleman.
You've met Ida.
This temp agency is a recruitment front for our organization.
Didn't your tests tell you I have issues with authority? I told you she'd be no good.
Can it, Yoda.
We're talking.
I wouldn't go so far as to refer to myself as an authority figure.
I'm more like an independent contractor.
What's that mean? You build strip malls? Kill people? What? I'd never build strip malls.
I solve exotic problems.
Define exotic.
Well, you ever read comic books? Yeah, I think Jughead's a real hoot.
Powers, Fell, Astro City, The Spirit, X-Men, old school, not Ultimate.
Mouse Guard and The Flash.
Barry Allen or Wally West? Do you want me to leave? You know how in comic books there's all kinds of mad scientists and aliens and androids and monsters, and all of them want to either destroy or take over the world? In comic books? Sure.
- Well, it really does work like that.
- Get out.
You already forgot what you saw? And you're the superhero? - I never wear tights.
- I'm crushed.
Can I ask you a question? Was it you or me who took the stupid pills this morning? Now that's just rude.
Dragging me here to answer the brown courtesy phone isn't? This is a waste.
She's a slacker.
- Have you been helped? - Don't mind her, she's had the crankies ever since her appearance processor got stuck on Domineering Schoolmarm 2.
0.
- English? - Ida.
- [electrical whirring.]
- Trippy.
Dagnabit, that's why you're here! You witnessed something out of the parameters of reality and didn't flinch.
Observe.
How'd you film that? Real time situation recording archive.
- Why, of course.
- Look right there.
That slimy tendril grabs you, and what do you do? - Grab a letter opener and stab it.
- Exactly.
90 percent of the population would have dumped their cargo and screamed before becoming lunch.
9.
5 percent would have keeled dead of a heart attack.
But not you.
You accepted the reality of the monster, took the necessary steps to survive, and your stress levels remained normal.
Ten bucks says she's smoking reefer.
Does Rosie have an off switch? A high threshold for the unexplainable and reflex to fight off extra-normal danger makes you a perfect candidate for our organization.
- Can you handle a firearm? - I happen to be a pacifist.
I'm telling you, she's a hophead.
Calluses on the thumb and index finger.
Xbox.
Judging by the distribution, I'm guessing Raging Carnage, Primal Combat, and Gut Wrencher 3 are your favorites.
You probably have better hand-eye than a bush sniper.
- How are your martial arts skills? - Nonexistent.
Ida, schedule her a three-month intensive with Sensei Ping.
Buy him first class airfare this time.
The flight from Wuhan makes him real surly.
I don't want a three-month intensive with Sensei Ping.
I'm an artist.
I only want to temp so I can paint.
- [Ida speaks foreign language.]
- Well, gosh.
Don't you want to fight evil? Monsters, robots, aliens? Not if I have to join the paramilitary version of Amway.
This is a tremendous opportunity for someone of your skills.
Skills? I avoided a giant rectum and got rejected by every temp agency in town 'cause the cops think my dad's lucky Zippo caused an explosion.
Sorry about the Zippo.
That was just a recruitment tactic.
You gave the cops the Zippo? Sensei Ping's on his way, first class.
You framed me.
I needed to make sure you'd come here.
The money cleared for the Italian restaurant job on Arthur Avenue.
They want you there on the double.
I loved that lighter.
If you join up, I won't frame you for anything else again.
- Scout's honor.
- Go to hell.
You owe me a dollar.
- Yo, Wendy Watson.
- Hey, Noser.
Feeling kinda hungry.
- Hungry like the wolf? - Nope.
- Hungry heart? - Nope.
- Hungry eyes.
- Nope.
Hungry hippos.
You're the only one who gets me.
Yo, Dub-Dub.
Gotta hit the joystick, Lacey, I got some serious aggression to work out.
Speaking of joysticks, Ben's here.
Ben! Cool! God, am I happy to see you.
If my day sucked any harder, I'd be inside out.
Hey, buddy.
Buddy? Buddy.
OK, this is usually the part where you kiss me back.
What's with the camera? Are we making a movie? Uh I guess you could say that.
Kinky.
Should I bust out the feather boa and the accordion? It's not like that.
See, my friend Eddie came along.
Whoa.
Hideous kinky.
Hi, Eddie.
Eddie's taking Professor Howard's cinéma vérité class with me.
- The class you're flunking? - Yeah.
Professor says it's 'cause I don't have pain in my life.
- I could punch you.
- No, it's not that kinky.
Fire it up, Eddie.
I just think that you and I should, you know, be just friends.
You're breaking up with me for a class project? How does that make you feel? We've been dating for a year.
You said the "L" word that one time! [Ben.]
I was drunk.
Does that hurt? Tell the camera.
This is painful for me, too, you know.
I'm the victim here.
My dad's a lawyer, we have money.
I've never worked for anything, no pain in my life.
The professor stood me in front of the class and said that.
You have any idea how that stings, to know that you have no hurt on the inside? So you want to know what it's like to have pain in your life.
Fair enough.
- Ow! - How's that, huh? Showing you a bit about the meaning of pain - or do you need more? - That's a digital camera! You You are psychotic! You still don't get it, do you? [screaming.]
[Wendy.]
Get out! [screaming.]
[door shuts.]
[stereo clicks on.]
[hard rock music plays.]
There's the sun in your eyes when you went walking away You make me go blind You knew you'd have to pay Don't apologize for what you didn't say You don't know me I don't know you You don't know me I'll bury you [traditional Italian music plays.]
FBI.
Nightshift.
Want a donut? That would ruin my appetite, officer.
[beeping.]
[cop.]
Excuse me.
This kid says she's with you.
Special Agent Watson.
Slacking off the dress code, I see.
Oh, I don't do dress code after sundown.
It's bad apples like you that put Mr.
Hoover in a dress.
Yeah, she's on the job.
Ida had this address on her desk.
Photographic memory? - Abstract expressionist.
- Swell.
Last time we talked you weren't exactly nice.
Why the attitude adjustment? I heard you take care of exotic problems.
Define exotic.
No job.
No money.
No sense of reality, now that I know comic book evil roams the world.
Shoot.
That is an exotic problem.
- I heard when evil strikes, you're there to cover it up.
- Nice one.
You said you'd shoot me if I told anybody about that monster I saw.
- Test of honesty.
- How? What makes more sense? That a monster trashed a science lab or that a gas main exploded? If I hadn't planted your Zippo, some normal would have come up with a rational explanation.
People want to believe reality's normal.
Ones who don't are freaks.
No one believes them anyway.
Who do you work for? I got recruited the exact same way you did.
When the last Middleman hired me, he never said and I never asked.
Ida was already there, so were all the weapons and gadgets.
Sometimes a box comes in with more weapons and gadgets.
I don't know where they come from, they just do.
Maybe Ida runs the show, maybe it's "the conspiracy", maybe it's God.
I'm just The Middleman.
[beeping.]
Doggone cops.
Always miss the big clues.
A banana peel? Someone's eliminating mobsters in an algorithmic way.
The pattern suggests an advanced intelligence.
Far more sinister than wiseguys.
Define sinister.
You want to know, you gotta sign up.
[1960s secret agent music.]
Yeah, why not? Get over here.
You've got a piece? Nah, he looks clean, boss.
I heard you saw the killer.
- You'll never believe what I saw.
- You wanna tell? It was It was - No! - [all gasp.]
- Whoa, freaky.
- That Ida doubles as a scanning electron microscope? That you hired me to be a superhero and I'm staring at a computer.
That's how most crimes get solved.
Don't you watch TV? Heads up, we got a live one.
- Jiminy! - Jiminy what? DNA match for genetically engineered ape spit.
Don't point that at me.
I don't want to have a flipper baby.
Only one place in town that could have come from.
Let's kick the tires and light the fires.
Hey! Anybody want to unplug me? [sighs.]
Morons.
[men talking indistinctly.]
We don't get many visitors from the Department of Sanitation.
That's why they call them surprise inspections, Dr.
Gibbs.
My associate and I are going to have a look around.
[man's voice on speaker.]
Man has climbed Mount Everest, gone to the bottom of the ocean.
He's fired rockets to the moon, split the atom, achieved miracles in every field of human endeavor.
Oh, no.
It's Gorilla Grodd.
Run for your life.
Hardly.
These western lowland gorillas are genetically engineered.
Their higher brain functions are controlled by one of the most complex computers in the world.
Next to them, most people have the IQ of an oyster.
Genius primates.
Because that's a problem that needed solving.
And what do we have over here? This is Zippy.
We had to boost his IQ three times to get him to stop painting those damn soup cans.
Not bad for a classical realist.
- Art snob.
- Uh, what about this one? Spanky was one of our failures.
We don't like to talk about him.
You wanna take a look? You can't go in there.
Stop.
You can't go in.
- See anything hinky? - Define hinky.
You define hinky.
OK.
You see that spot over there, where the paint doesn't quite match? [traditional Italian music plays.]
- Are you coming or not? - Well, dag diggety.
- I had no idea! - What the heck were you teaching Spanky? How to pilot space shuttles.
Because again, that's a problem that needed solving.
I've never even seen this place.
How does an experimental primate get Scarface, Goodfellas and The Sopranos? All of our apes have mail order and Internet privileges.
But we should have seen this.
Spanky's mind is controlled by the mainframe, like all subjects.
Swell.
Where's Spanky now? Spanky never did learn how to control the re-entry simulator.
His pod tore through the laboratory ceiling and crash-landed miles away.
It was a tragic loss.
He sleeps with the fishes.
Spanky must have found a way to break free from that computer and escape from Simionics.
But Gibbs said he died in re-entry.
Maybe Spanky crashed that pod to cover his escape.
We have to find him lickedy-split.
How about we let Spanky keep killing wiseguys? Isn't he doing the world a solid? Who would you rather have earning millions of dollars from the rackets in this city? A lunkhead goombah who'll blow it on showgirls, shiny suits and Greek marble nudie statues, or a supergenius primate with knowledge of computer systems and astroscience? - Put it that way.
- Listen up.
Been fun and games up till now.
There's something about you I must know.
- Yeah? - You like country? - [clicks radio on.]
- Clean livin' was his credo And justice was his bride Don't make me do it I've got a long long way to ride Don't make me rain down the fury and the fire - What is this place? - Andolini Social Club.
The City's most notorious den of wiseguys.
Do you have a death wish? Cut out the twang, Gomer.
[music continues.]
- [turns music off.]
- Time to mount up.
You're not just gonna waltz in and ask them to rat out the big boss? Yes, ma'am.
Right after I slide up to the bar and order me a tall glass of milk.
Did you skinny dip in the stupidity pond? I I'm not going in there.
I didn't ask you to.
The path I walk, I walk alone.
- Keep it warm, Dubbie.
- Dubbie? Oh, I almost forgot.
There's some things I need you to hold onto.
[beeping.]
[electrical noises.]
[electrical whirring.]
You're going unarmed? Didn't I tell you how I got this job? Oh, well, just be careful with that.
[loud humming.]
[man.]
Come over here! - [men shouting.]
- [gunfire.]
- [shouting.]
- [punching.]
[shouting, punching continues.]
- [men gasping, shouting.]
- Hurry up, Charlie! Hi, there.
- Milk? - Uh, no.
- [thud.]
- [man groans.]
Too bad.
Good for the bones.
This is our new friend, Tino.
- Say hello, Tino.
- How you doin'? Tino runs all the rackets.
Only way he's still alive is if he's in good with the new boss.
- Right? - I'm not opening my mouth! I think I'll have myself some milk.
- [thud.]
- [groans.]
You want to put that back for me? Thanks.
What were we talking about when I left? You were going to tell me why you got this job.
Right.
See, I was a Navy SEAL.
You know, they teach us over 456 ways of causing pain.
I want a lawyer! I got rights! Know what? That was some darn fine cow squirt.
- [thud.]
- Son of a bitch! [man whimpers.]
[exhales.]
Anyway, my team got stuck in a colossal hairy furball back in the Gulf.
This jerk C.
O.
radios for me to bug out and leave my men behind.
So I did what any self-respecting squid would do.
I saved my men, got back to base and kicked the crud out of that little weasel.
Pardon my French.
- Wanna talk? - Go to hell! I am parched.
I could use another cool, refreshing drink of milk.
- [thud.]
- [groans.]
All right! All right! I'll talk! The big boss set up shop at a strip joint over the bridge.
But no one's ever laid eyes on him.
That's all I'm saying! - I got rights! - Oh, you got rights.
After we're finished, I'm driving you to the FBI and you're gonna rat out every wiseguy and scam you're aware of, capisce? And get myself plugged? No way! Why don't you keep Tino company while I get myself a refill? Wait! I'll talk.
I'll do it.
I'll do it.
So you hit your commanding officer? I have issues with authority.
[funky rock music.]
You make me wanna rub my body [over speaker.]
Tell the senator that he can have my answer now.
My offer is this: nothing.
Not even the fee for the gaming license, which I would appreciate if he put up personally.
Hey.
[sighs.]
Hey, boss, someone's messing with our security.
You, check it out! You, get me a banana.
- [thud.]
- The jig is up, Spanky.
[Cuban accent.]
Say hello to my little friend! Tino's turned state's evidence.
Right now he's with the Federales and warblin' like Patsy Cline.
Time to stop acting like a mobster and start acting like an ape.
Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.
- Nothing personal, monkey boy.
- Just business.
I'm never going back to prison! [growling.]
- [loud clattering.]
- Jeepers! [gasping.]
[grunts.]
- I gotta ask something.
- Yeah? [growling.]
How can a Navy SEAL not cuss? You're all "darn" and "jeepers" and "criminy.
" What's up with that? Profanity cheapens the soul and weakens the mind.
Maybe, but every once in a while you could let out a [bleep.]
or a [bleep.]
You kiss your mother with that mouth? Huh, garbage mouth? Yes, you.
Uh-huh.
[monkeys chittering.]
- Oh [bleep.]
- What? OK, this isn't a problem.
We can still find the big boss 'cause he's wearing one of those, uh Strap-on electronic voice boxes? [Middleman.]
Sleep with one eye open.
That gun-totin' ape's still at large.
[Wendy.]
I'm still not talking to you.
Apes throw feces, Dubbie.
It's a fact of life.
Quit calling me [bleep.]
ing Dubbie.
Yo, Wendy Watson.
What is that mighty mighty girl? - A brick house.
- What is she doing? Letting it all Uh-oh.
- Alert.
- You have a gun on you, Noser? War is not the answer, Wendy.
Only love can conquer hate.
What is going on? - Yeee-ahh! - [smashing wood.]
- Ow! You hit me on the head! - Are you bat guano insane? - Man, my axe! - Sorry.
[sniffing.]
- Why does it smell like monkey poop in here? - What do you want? I just you know, wanted to say that I'm sorry about that whole movie thing.
I'm such a dolt.
I thought that it would be art.
Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So did the Carter administration.
I looked at the tape, and watching you throw things reminded me of that time we accidentally overturned that chestnut roaster on Madison Avenue and the vendor started screaming in Spanish And he started throwing stuff and we had a chestnut war.
It made me miss you.
So I wanted to say I'm sorry and to ask what it would take for you to take me back.
Incoming! [groans.]
Ow! You're breaking my arm! Hey, now! Violence! - Let him go, he's OK.
- You sounded the alarm.
Not 'cause of him.
Ben, are you OK? Ben? The video camera guy? I oughta crack your skull for that, you coffee-house beatnik.
Where'd you dig up this jarhead? Dub-Dub, who's your boyfriend? He's not my boyfriend.
He's my boss.
Really? Lacey Thornfield.
Charmed.
Delighted, ma'am.
You know, I'm a conceptual artist.
Some have said that about me, too.
Do I have to hose you down? And you two hormone jockeys, outside.
[door shuts.]
[machine gun fire.]
Holy [bleep.]
A gorilla! I I swear I saw a gorilla holding a gun! Get a hold of yourself! What's easier to believe? A gorilla with a gun, or a big hairy guy doing a drive by? The big hairy guy.
B Big hairy guy.
- Yeah.
- You could have mentioned the hostile.
I would have, had you not barged in and started hitting on my roommate and beating up my boyfriend.
- I'm still your boyfriend? - What do you think? I'll take care of the big hairy guy.
You're getting paid more than nine an hour for this job, right? - Where's the big boss? - Pondering his evil ways.
- Look what I found.
- You smashed his voice box.
Where'd he get a new one with the lab's trademark? Either he snuck back into the lab and stole a new voice box Or he never escaped and Dr.
Gibbs lied to us.
I bet all the secrets are locked up in that mind control computer of hers.
- I better mosey on down there.
- What about me? You've seen more harm's way than an untrained operative should have to.
Hold it right there, Tex.
I've been shot at, I've been pelted with ape dung, you practically killed my boyfriend.
- He's a doorknob.
- Now you're leaving me behind? This is re-gosh-darn-diculous.
You weren't dying to go into that mob hangout.
Yeah, but I had a choice in that.
So rule number one: Never, ever give the "A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do" speech before you strap on your six-guns and leave me at the ranch making tea with Ida the pruneface android.
Two: you don't crack my boyfriend's skull.
And three: You don't date my roommate.
Got it? Now, that's just mean.
I'm single.
- I'm eligible.
- Just drive.
Are you ashamed of me? [Wendy.]
Is there a reason we're rappelling to the computer? Should be able to access the mainframe through this IO port.
[ape snickering.]
Feel that? Kind of a strange, tugging feeling.
Whoa! Ow! Get your filthy paws off of me, you damn dirty ape! [cocks gun.]
I knew you weren't from the Department of Sanitation.
[Wendy.]
Gibbs, you were the one who sent Spanky to kill us, the one who let him out of the car.
It was you.
Drop the gun or her turns her into scrapple.
You've been controlling the big boss.
Of course I have.
These apes don't have a single thought that I don't control through this computer.
Drop it, before your associate knows what it feels like to be a banana.
[gun clatters.]
I don't get it.
Why the Mob? Money.
Fast, tax-free cash money.
This is a federally funded lab.
Every year the government is less and less interested in making smarter apes, and every year they slash my budget.
- Without money, I will never fulfill my dream.
- What dream? To build an army of genetically engineered apes [both.]
and take over the world.
Let her go, Blofeld, or your secret lair's a grease stain.
Don't be stupid.
You're low-hanging fruit.
- Spanky's a surgeon with that gun.
- He might as well shoot.
If there's one thing I hate more than scientists trying to take over the world, it's scientists who twist innocent primates with computer-enhanced mind control to live out their sick and perverted fantasies of criminal power.
Ventilate him.
[male voice.]
Computer shutdown.
- [screaming.]
No! - Computer shutdown.
- [cocks gun.]
- Put 'em up, Gibbs.
And no more monologue-ing or I Swiss-cheese you on principle.
I tell you.
Some chucklehead's always trying to take over the world.
Is it true, what you said? If there's one thing you hate more than scientists trying to take over the world, it's scientists who twist innocent primates with computer-enhanced mind control to live out sick and perverted fantasies of criminal power? Why would I lie about that? That is a very specific thing to hate.
Self-knowledge is the gateway to freedom.
[Wendy.]
What happens now? [Middleman.]
Stick Dr.
Evil with a tranquilizer dart, put the gun that killed those mobsters in her hand and let Johnny Law to do the algebra.
But what about Spanky and his gang? I mean, they're just innocent apes who got kidnapped, experimented on, mindfrakked by a supercomputer and forced to do evil.
They didn't know what they were doing.
They don't deserve to live in a lab.
Our work on this planet is done.
We're just The Middleman.
- Can I make a call? - It's a free country.
Hey, Lacey, it's me.
About those animal liberation dudes you've been hanging with.
A federally funded lab was disgraced and a leading researcher arrested when animal rights activists exposed illegal mind control experiments.
The apes in this lab are being returned to the wild by an animal rescue organization, and it's all because of this young activist.
The moment we heard about the egregious abuses of these so-called scientists, we alerted the authorities.
Now these defenseless apes will go to a safe sanctuary back in the wilderness where they belong.
Right.
Now, can you tell us why you're carrying that sign? Uh, French cuisine kills bunnies.
French cuisine kills I gotta hand it to you.
I had no idea your roommate was so well connected in the primate liberation community.
You did outstanding work tonight.
Yeah, sure I did.
- You disagree? - Ever read comics? As a matter of fact, I think Jughead is a real hoot.
Ever read Batman? Well, the Joker had a nickname for Batman's sidekick.
"Robin, the boy hostage.
" That's very clever.
I was held at gunpoint by a gorilla while you did your Dudley Do-Right thing.
Maybe the next time I want to handle something by myself you'll listen.
I wouldn't count on it.
Then I'll just tie you to the car.
Oh, yes, I would.
Oh, and, uh, one more thing, Dubbie.
You're not gonna stop calling me Dubbie, are you? Not a gosh-darn chance in heck.
[tires screech.]
Yeah, as a matter of fact, Mom, I do have a brand new job.
Yeah, it's it's more of a freelance thing.
Yeah, I get plenty of time to paint and a great workout.
My boss? You'd really like him.
He's into guns, just like dad.
Hold on.
Thank you for calling A.
N.
D.
Laboratories, rescrambling your DNA.
How may I direct your call? This is a really important job, Mom.
As a matter of fact, yes, lots of art school graduates get science jobs.
- [phone ringing.]
- Oh, hold on.
Thank you for calling A.
N.
D.
Laboratories, rescrambling your DNA.
How may I direct your call? [phone beeps.]
Yes, Mother, I'm still dating that guy, and his name's Ben.
No, he's not a homosexual.
- [phone rings.]
- He's in film school.
Hang on.
Thank you for calling A.
N.
D.
Laboratories.
I'm connecting your call.
[alarm blaring.]
[woman's voice over PA.]
Contamination alert.
[monster growls.]
Please hold.
Contamination alert.
- [blast.]
- [monster squealing.]
Alarm systems disengaged.
Excuse me, ma'am, but I am going to have to ask you to step aside.
[monster groans quietly.]
The human.
The one on my left.
[monster shrieks.]
[zapping.]
[monster howling.]
- Heck of a mess, huh? - Excuse me? [explosion, squelching.]
I said, "Heck of a mess, huh?" Whatever.
I'm a temp.
Hey, now.
The heat's on its way.
OK, cowgirl, here's your marching orders.
Anyone asks, this was a gas main explosion.
I was never here.
This conversation never took place.
Marching orders? What about the hentai tentacle monster? Tell the truth if you want.
If you do, I'll have to root you like a hog and kill you.
Sorry.
So, what's it going to be? Keep the secret or death? What do you think? Ma'am, specificity is the soul of all good communication.
Yes.
Duh.
[beeping.]
Outstanding.
You're good under pressure.
- Are you hitting on me? - Just making an observation.
- [banging.]
- Hello! Nutjob, party of one.
- [firemen chattering.]
- No, ma'am.
I'm just The Middleman.
- Are you all right? - Yeah.
[firemen talking.]
[traditional Italian music playing.]
[man.]
What you're saying is somebody whacked the entire Spaldoni Organization? Just like I said an hour ago.
Huge bloodbath.
Gonna be front page tomorrow morning.
But I did not give the order to wipe out the Spaldoni family.
That is an order that I did not give.
OK, Don Colfari, if you didn't give the order, then what does that mean? That would mean someone had to give the order.
- Someone that was not me.
- So maybe we oughta find who it was.
- So they don't come and whack us.
- Exactly.
It's like playing Mad Libs with guns.
[shouting.]
[bullet shells clinking.]
The police said the explosion was caused by a lighter, a polished silver Zippo lighter with a DC-3 airplane engraving.
- My dad's lucky lighter? - So you know something about it.
Oh, you don't think that Oh, come on.
I was just fidgeting with that lighter.
It's like an OCD thing only different.
OK, look.
I have three credit cards about to pop at the seams and my mother's on me 24-7 to quit painting, move back to Orlando, meet a good man, eat fried food, swell up like a tick and start squeezing out calves like Elsie mainlining fertility drugs.
We understand each other? Until we can be certain that one of our temps didn't burn down her last place of employment while playing with fire, there's nothing I can do.
A: when my father's DC-3 tragically crashed under as of yet unexplained and mysterious circumstances, I swore that I would never lose the only memento he left behind, which brings me straight to B: I did not cause that explosion.
- Can't find your lighter? - Want the truth? Those idiots were working on some whacked-out genetic experiment that went bonkers, and this monster made out of body parts attacked me.
This Middleman guy showed up and told me he'd kill me.
[loud noise.]
Sorry, ma'am, I warned you.
[blast.]
I get it.
Thank you.
- Yo, Wendy Watson.
- Hey, Noser.
- Who's the man? - That would be Shaft, Noser.
- What kinda man? - A complicated man.
- And who understands him? - No one but his woman.
Right on.
[exhales.]
Hey, Lacey, what's this crud on my Xbox? Can you describe the crud? Oh, that's just fake blood.
My animal liberation group is demonstrating in front of the Lapin Grillé tomorrow.
I'll be throwing buckets of that on the restaurant.
Just wait till it dries off.
OK, well, if you break this, you bought it.
I was just about to crack the Slovakian torture dungeon level on Gut Wrencher 3.
How can you play those games? They're so testosterone-y.
Why would you throw blood at a French bistro? Do you know what Lapin Grillé means? Uh, the Broiled Rabbit? Wow.
Glad I can tick that cause off my list.
I'm a confrontational spoken word performance artist.
I confront.
I speak.
Art.
What do you do, Dub-Dub? Well, I save the world in my own way.
Did I get any calls? Your mom called to ask if you're a lesbian.
And Ben called.
He wants to come later.
Has a surprise for you.
Did he say anything about world travel, champagne or diamonds? [laughs.]
What's it like being somebody's beard? He's in film school.
Oh, this weird temp agency called.
"The Jolly Fats Wehawkin Temp Agency?" - Never heard of them.
- Wanna see you immediately.
- Like right now immediately? - Yup.
Well, then wish me luck.
You're going like that? I'm way over my daily recommended allowance for corporate booty kissing.
If they want me now, they're shopping at the As Is department.
- Wendy Watson? - Who wants to know? Don't get fresh with me, missy, I'll split your lip.
What kind of temp agency is this? Kind that wants to put you in the satisfying and high-paying world of temporary employment.
- You wouldn't mind taking some tests first? - Tests? What are you, paralyzed from the neck up? Move it.
[beeping.]
[muted audio.]
So, what's next, target practice? Obstacle course? Cavity search? Don't let your pie-hole talk you out of a job, young lady.
Wendy Watson meet your new boss.
Evening, ma'am.
Is this the part where I ask who the hell you are and what the hell you do? My, we've got our skivvies in a bunch.
Lights.
[loud thud, whirring.]
I'm The Middleman.
You've met Ida.
This temp agency is a recruitment front for our organization.
Didn't your tests tell you I have issues with authority? I told you she'd be no good.
Can it, Yoda.
We're talking.
I wouldn't go so far as to refer to myself as an authority figure.
I'm more like an independent contractor.
What's that mean? You build strip malls? Kill people? What? I'd never build strip malls.
I solve exotic problems.
Define exotic.
Well, you ever read comic books? Yeah, I think Jughead's a real hoot.
Powers, Fell, Astro City, The Spirit, X-Men, old school, not Ultimate.
Mouse Guard and The Flash.
Barry Allen or Wally West? Do you want me to leave? You know how in comic books there's all kinds of mad scientists and aliens and androids and monsters, and all of them want to either destroy or take over the world? In comic books? Sure.
- Well, it really does work like that.
- Get out.
You already forgot what you saw? And you're the superhero? - I never wear tights.
- I'm crushed.
Can I ask you a question? Was it you or me who took the stupid pills this morning? Now that's just rude.
Dragging me here to answer the brown courtesy phone isn't? This is a waste.
She's a slacker.
- Have you been helped? - Don't mind her, she's had the crankies ever since her appearance processor got stuck on Domineering Schoolmarm 2.
0.
- English? - Ida.
- [electrical whirring.]
- Trippy.
Dagnabit, that's why you're here! You witnessed something out of the parameters of reality and didn't flinch.
Observe.
How'd you film that? Real time situation recording archive.
- Why, of course.
- Look right there.
That slimy tendril grabs you, and what do you do? - Grab a letter opener and stab it.
- Exactly.
90 percent of the population would have dumped their cargo and screamed before becoming lunch.
9.
5 percent would have keeled dead of a heart attack.
But not you.
You accepted the reality of the monster, took the necessary steps to survive, and your stress levels remained normal.
Ten bucks says she's smoking reefer.
Does Rosie have an off switch? A high threshold for the unexplainable and reflex to fight off extra-normal danger makes you a perfect candidate for our organization.
- Can you handle a firearm? - I happen to be a pacifist.
I'm telling you, she's a hophead.
Calluses on the thumb and index finger.
Xbox.
Judging by the distribution, I'm guessing Raging Carnage, Primal Combat, and Gut Wrencher 3 are your favorites.
You probably have better hand-eye than a bush sniper.
- How are your martial arts skills? - Nonexistent.
Ida, schedule her a three-month intensive with Sensei Ping.
Buy him first class airfare this time.
The flight from Wuhan makes him real surly.
I don't want a three-month intensive with Sensei Ping.
I'm an artist.
I only want to temp so I can paint.
- [Ida speaks foreign language.]
- Well, gosh.
Don't you want to fight evil? Monsters, robots, aliens? Not if I have to join the paramilitary version of Amway.
This is a tremendous opportunity for someone of your skills.
Skills? I avoided a giant rectum and got rejected by every temp agency in town 'cause the cops think my dad's lucky Zippo caused an explosion.
Sorry about the Zippo.
That was just a recruitment tactic.
You gave the cops the Zippo? Sensei Ping's on his way, first class.
You framed me.
I needed to make sure you'd come here.
The money cleared for the Italian restaurant job on Arthur Avenue.
They want you there on the double.
I loved that lighter.
If you join up, I won't frame you for anything else again.
- Scout's honor.
- Go to hell.
You owe me a dollar.
- Yo, Wendy Watson.
- Hey, Noser.
Feeling kinda hungry.
- Hungry like the wolf? - Nope.
- Hungry heart? - Nope.
- Hungry eyes.
- Nope.
Hungry hippos.
You're the only one who gets me.
Yo, Dub-Dub.
Gotta hit the joystick, Lacey, I got some serious aggression to work out.
Speaking of joysticks, Ben's here.
Ben! Cool! God, am I happy to see you.
If my day sucked any harder, I'd be inside out.
Hey, buddy.
Buddy? Buddy.
OK, this is usually the part where you kiss me back.
What's with the camera? Are we making a movie? Uh I guess you could say that.
Kinky.
Should I bust out the feather boa and the accordion? It's not like that.
See, my friend Eddie came along.
Whoa.
Hideous kinky.
Hi, Eddie.
Eddie's taking Professor Howard's cinéma vérité class with me.
- The class you're flunking? - Yeah.
Professor says it's 'cause I don't have pain in my life.
- I could punch you.
- No, it's not that kinky.
Fire it up, Eddie.
I just think that you and I should, you know, be just friends.
You're breaking up with me for a class project? How does that make you feel? We've been dating for a year.
You said the "L" word that one time! [Ben.]
I was drunk.
Does that hurt? Tell the camera.
This is painful for me, too, you know.
I'm the victim here.
My dad's a lawyer, we have money.
I've never worked for anything, no pain in my life.
The professor stood me in front of the class and said that.
You have any idea how that stings, to know that you have no hurt on the inside? So you want to know what it's like to have pain in your life.
Fair enough.
- Ow! - How's that, huh? Showing you a bit about the meaning of pain - or do you need more? - That's a digital camera! You You are psychotic! You still don't get it, do you? [screaming.]
[Wendy.]
Get out! [screaming.]
[door shuts.]
[stereo clicks on.]
[hard rock music plays.]
There's the sun in your eyes when you went walking away You make me go blind You knew you'd have to pay Don't apologize for what you didn't say You don't know me I don't know you You don't know me I'll bury you [traditional Italian music plays.]
FBI.
Nightshift.
Want a donut? That would ruin my appetite, officer.
[beeping.]
[cop.]
Excuse me.
This kid says she's with you.
Special Agent Watson.
Slacking off the dress code, I see.
Oh, I don't do dress code after sundown.
It's bad apples like you that put Mr.
Hoover in a dress.
Yeah, she's on the job.
Ida had this address on her desk.
Photographic memory? - Abstract expressionist.
- Swell.
Last time we talked you weren't exactly nice.
Why the attitude adjustment? I heard you take care of exotic problems.
Define exotic.
No job.
No money.
No sense of reality, now that I know comic book evil roams the world.
Shoot.
That is an exotic problem.
- I heard when evil strikes, you're there to cover it up.
- Nice one.
You said you'd shoot me if I told anybody about that monster I saw.
- Test of honesty.
- How? What makes more sense? That a monster trashed a science lab or that a gas main exploded? If I hadn't planted your Zippo, some normal would have come up with a rational explanation.
People want to believe reality's normal.
Ones who don't are freaks.
No one believes them anyway.
Who do you work for? I got recruited the exact same way you did.
When the last Middleman hired me, he never said and I never asked.
Ida was already there, so were all the weapons and gadgets.
Sometimes a box comes in with more weapons and gadgets.
I don't know where they come from, they just do.
Maybe Ida runs the show, maybe it's "the conspiracy", maybe it's God.
I'm just The Middleman.
[beeping.]
Doggone cops.
Always miss the big clues.
A banana peel? Someone's eliminating mobsters in an algorithmic way.
The pattern suggests an advanced intelligence.
Far more sinister than wiseguys.
Define sinister.
You want to know, you gotta sign up.
[1960s secret agent music.]
Yeah, why not? Get over here.
You've got a piece? Nah, he looks clean, boss.
I heard you saw the killer.
- You'll never believe what I saw.
- You wanna tell? It was It was - No! - [all gasp.]
- Whoa, freaky.
- That Ida doubles as a scanning electron microscope? That you hired me to be a superhero and I'm staring at a computer.
That's how most crimes get solved.
Don't you watch TV? Heads up, we got a live one.
- Jiminy! - Jiminy what? DNA match for genetically engineered ape spit.
Don't point that at me.
I don't want to have a flipper baby.
Only one place in town that could have come from.
Let's kick the tires and light the fires.
Hey! Anybody want to unplug me? [sighs.]
Morons.
[men talking indistinctly.]
We don't get many visitors from the Department of Sanitation.
That's why they call them surprise inspections, Dr.
Gibbs.
My associate and I are going to have a look around.
[man's voice on speaker.]
Man has climbed Mount Everest, gone to the bottom of the ocean.
He's fired rockets to the moon, split the atom, achieved miracles in every field of human endeavor.
Oh, no.
It's Gorilla Grodd.
Run for your life.
Hardly.
These western lowland gorillas are genetically engineered.
Their higher brain functions are controlled by one of the most complex computers in the world.
Next to them, most people have the IQ of an oyster.
Genius primates.
Because that's a problem that needed solving.
And what do we have over here? This is Zippy.
We had to boost his IQ three times to get him to stop painting those damn soup cans.
Not bad for a classical realist.
- Art snob.
- Uh, what about this one? Spanky was one of our failures.
We don't like to talk about him.
You wanna take a look? You can't go in there.
Stop.
You can't go in.
- See anything hinky? - Define hinky.
You define hinky.
OK.
You see that spot over there, where the paint doesn't quite match? [traditional Italian music plays.]
- Are you coming or not? - Well, dag diggety.
- I had no idea! - What the heck were you teaching Spanky? How to pilot space shuttles.
Because again, that's a problem that needed solving.
I've never even seen this place.
How does an experimental primate get Scarface, Goodfellas and The Sopranos? All of our apes have mail order and Internet privileges.
But we should have seen this.
Spanky's mind is controlled by the mainframe, like all subjects.
Swell.
Where's Spanky now? Spanky never did learn how to control the re-entry simulator.
His pod tore through the laboratory ceiling and crash-landed miles away.
It was a tragic loss.
He sleeps with the fishes.
Spanky must have found a way to break free from that computer and escape from Simionics.
But Gibbs said he died in re-entry.
Maybe Spanky crashed that pod to cover his escape.
We have to find him lickedy-split.
How about we let Spanky keep killing wiseguys? Isn't he doing the world a solid? Who would you rather have earning millions of dollars from the rackets in this city? A lunkhead goombah who'll blow it on showgirls, shiny suits and Greek marble nudie statues, or a supergenius primate with knowledge of computer systems and astroscience? - Put it that way.
- Listen up.
Been fun and games up till now.
There's something about you I must know.
- Yeah? - You like country? - [clicks radio on.]
- Clean livin' was his credo And justice was his bride Don't make me do it I've got a long long way to ride Don't make me rain down the fury and the fire - What is this place? - Andolini Social Club.
The City's most notorious den of wiseguys.
Do you have a death wish? Cut out the twang, Gomer.
[music continues.]
- [turns music off.]
- Time to mount up.
You're not just gonna waltz in and ask them to rat out the big boss? Yes, ma'am.
Right after I slide up to the bar and order me a tall glass of milk.
Did you skinny dip in the stupidity pond? I I'm not going in there.
I didn't ask you to.
The path I walk, I walk alone.
- Keep it warm, Dubbie.
- Dubbie? Oh, I almost forgot.
There's some things I need you to hold onto.
[beeping.]
[electrical noises.]
[electrical whirring.]
You're going unarmed? Didn't I tell you how I got this job? Oh, well, just be careful with that.
[loud humming.]
[man.]
Come over here! - [men shouting.]
- [gunfire.]
- [shouting.]
- [punching.]
[shouting, punching continues.]
- [men gasping, shouting.]
- Hurry up, Charlie! Hi, there.
- Milk? - Uh, no.
- [thud.]
- [man groans.]
Too bad.
Good for the bones.
This is our new friend, Tino.
- Say hello, Tino.
- How you doin'? Tino runs all the rackets.
Only way he's still alive is if he's in good with the new boss.
- Right? - I'm not opening my mouth! I think I'll have myself some milk.
- [thud.]
- [groans.]
You want to put that back for me? Thanks.
What were we talking about when I left? You were going to tell me why you got this job.
Right.
See, I was a Navy SEAL.
You know, they teach us over 456 ways of causing pain.
I want a lawyer! I got rights! Know what? That was some darn fine cow squirt.
- [thud.]
- Son of a bitch! [man whimpers.]
[exhales.]
Anyway, my team got stuck in a colossal hairy furball back in the Gulf.
This jerk C.
O.
radios for me to bug out and leave my men behind.
So I did what any self-respecting squid would do.
I saved my men, got back to base and kicked the crud out of that little weasel.
Pardon my French.
- Wanna talk? - Go to hell! I am parched.
I could use another cool, refreshing drink of milk.
- [thud.]
- [groans.]
All right! All right! I'll talk! The big boss set up shop at a strip joint over the bridge.
But no one's ever laid eyes on him.
That's all I'm saying! - I got rights! - Oh, you got rights.
After we're finished, I'm driving you to the FBI and you're gonna rat out every wiseguy and scam you're aware of, capisce? And get myself plugged? No way! Why don't you keep Tino company while I get myself a refill? Wait! I'll talk.
I'll do it.
I'll do it.
So you hit your commanding officer? I have issues with authority.
[funky rock music.]
You make me wanna rub my body [over speaker.]
Tell the senator that he can have my answer now.
My offer is this: nothing.
Not even the fee for the gaming license, which I would appreciate if he put up personally.
Hey.
[sighs.]
Hey, boss, someone's messing with our security.
You, check it out! You, get me a banana.
- [thud.]
- The jig is up, Spanky.
[Cuban accent.]
Say hello to my little friend! Tino's turned state's evidence.
Right now he's with the Federales and warblin' like Patsy Cline.
Time to stop acting like a mobster and start acting like an ape.
Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.
- Nothing personal, monkey boy.
- Just business.
I'm never going back to prison! [growling.]
- [loud clattering.]
- Jeepers! [gasping.]
[grunts.]
- I gotta ask something.
- Yeah? [growling.]
How can a Navy SEAL not cuss? You're all "darn" and "jeepers" and "criminy.
" What's up with that? Profanity cheapens the soul and weakens the mind.
Maybe, but every once in a while you could let out a [bleep.]
or a [bleep.]
You kiss your mother with that mouth? Huh, garbage mouth? Yes, you.
Uh-huh.
[monkeys chittering.]
- Oh [bleep.]
- What? OK, this isn't a problem.
We can still find the big boss 'cause he's wearing one of those, uh Strap-on electronic voice boxes? [Middleman.]
Sleep with one eye open.
That gun-totin' ape's still at large.
[Wendy.]
I'm still not talking to you.
Apes throw feces, Dubbie.
It's a fact of life.
Quit calling me [bleep.]
ing Dubbie.
Yo, Wendy Watson.
What is that mighty mighty girl? - A brick house.
- What is she doing? Letting it all Uh-oh.
- Alert.
- You have a gun on you, Noser? War is not the answer, Wendy.
Only love can conquer hate.
What is going on? - Yeee-ahh! - [smashing wood.]
- Ow! You hit me on the head! - Are you bat guano insane? - Man, my axe! - Sorry.
[sniffing.]
- Why does it smell like monkey poop in here? - What do you want? I just you know, wanted to say that I'm sorry about that whole movie thing.
I'm such a dolt.
I thought that it would be art.
Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So did the Carter administration.
I looked at the tape, and watching you throw things reminded me of that time we accidentally overturned that chestnut roaster on Madison Avenue and the vendor started screaming in Spanish And he started throwing stuff and we had a chestnut war.
It made me miss you.
So I wanted to say I'm sorry and to ask what it would take for you to take me back.
Incoming! [groans.]
Ow! You're breaking my arm! Hey, now! Violence! - Let him go, he's OK.
- You sounded the alarm.
Not 'cause of him.
Ben, are you OK? Ben? The video camera guy? I oughta crack your skull for that, you coffee-house beatnik.
Where'd you dig up this jarhead? Dub-Dub, who's your boyfriend? He's not my boyfriend.
He's my boss.
Really? Lacey Thornfield.
Charmed.
Delighted, ma'am.
You know, I'm a conceptual artist.
Some have said that about me, too.
Do I have to hose you down? And you two hormone jockeys, outside.
[door shuts.]
[machine gun fire.]
Holy [bleep.]
A gorilla! I I swear I saw a gorilla holding a gun! Get a hold of yourself! What's easier to believe? A gorilla with a gun, or a big hairy guy doing a drive by? The big hairy guy.
B Big hairy guy.
- Yeah.
- You could have mentioned the hostile.
I would have, had you not barged in and started hitting on my roommate and beating up my boyfriend.
- I'm still your boyfriend? - What do you think? I'll take care of the big hairy guy.
You're getting paid more than nine an hour for this job, right? - Where's the big boss? - Pondering his evil ways.
- Look what I found.
- You smashed his voice box.
Where'd he get a new one with the lab's trademark? Either he snuck back into the lab and stole a new voice box Or he never escaped and Dr.
Gibbs lied to us.
I bet all the secrets are locked up in that mind control computer of hers.
- I better mosey on down there.
- What about me? You've seen more harm's way than an untrained operative should have to.
Hold it right there, Tex.
I've been shot at, I've been pelted with ape dung, you practically killed my boyfriend.
- He's a doorknob.
- Now you're leaving me behind? This is re-gosh-darn-diculous.
You weren't dying to go into that mob hangout.
Yeah, but I had a choice in that.
So rule number one: Never, ever give the "A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do" speech before you strap on your six-guns and leave me at the ranch making tea with Ida the pruneface android.
Two: you don't crack my boyfriend's skull.
And three: You don't date my roommate.
Got it? Now, that's just mean.
I'm single.
- I'm eligible.
- Just drive.
Are you ashamed of me? [Wendy.]
Is there a reason we're rappelling to the computer? Should be able to access the mainframe through this IO port.
[ape snickering.]
Feel that? Kind of a strange, tugging feeling.
Whoa! Ow! Get your filthy paws off of me, you damn dirty ape! [cocks gun.]
I knew you weren't from the Department of Sanitation.
[Wendy.]
Gibbs, you were the one who sent Spanky to kill us, the one who let him out of the car.
It was you.
Drop the gun or her turns her into scrapple.
You've been controlling the big boss.
Of course I have.
These apes don't have a single thought that I don't control through this computer.
Drop it, before your associate knows what it feels like to be a banana.
[gun clatters.]
I don't get it.
Why the Mob? Money.
Fast, tax-free cash money.
This is a federally funded lab.
Every year the government is less and less interested in making smarter apes, and every year they slash my budget.
- Without money, I will never fulfill my dream.
- What dream? To build an army of genetically engineered apes [both.]
and take over the world.
Let her go, Blofeld, or your secret lair's a grease stain.
Don't be stupid.
You're low-hanging fruit.
- Spanky's a surgeon with that gun.
- He might as well shoot.
If there's one thing I hate more than scientists trying to take over the world, it's scientists who twist innocent primates with computer-enhanced mind control to live out their sick and perverted fantasies of criminal power.
Ventilate him.
[male voice.]
Computer shutdown.
- [screaming.]
No! - Computer shutdown.
- [cocks gun.]
- Put 'em up, Gibbs.
And no more monologue-ing or I Swiss-cheese you on principle.
I tell you.
Some chucklehead's always trying to take over the world.
Is it true, what you said? If there's one thing you hate more than scientists trying to take over the world, it's scientists who twist innocent primates with computer-enhanced mind control to live out sick and perverted fantasies of criminal power? Why would I lie about that? That is a very specific thing to hate.
Self-knowledge is the gateway to freedom.
[Wendy.]
What happens now? [Middleman.]
Stick Dr.
Evil with a tranquilizer dart, put the gun that killed those mobsters in her hand and let Johnny Law to do the algebra.
But what about Spanky and his gang? I mean, they're just innocent apes who got kidnapped, experimented on, mindfrakked by a supercomputer and forced to do evil.
They didn't know what they were doing.
They don't deserve to live in a lab.
Our work on this planet is done.
We're just The Middleman.
- Can I make a call? - It's a free country.
Hey, Lacey, it's me.
About those animal liberation dudes you've been hanging with.
A federally funded lab was disgraced and a leading researcher arrested when animal rights activists exposed illegal mind control experiments.
The apes in this lab are being returned to the wild by an animal rescue organization, and it's all because of this young activist.
The moment we heard about the egregious abuses of these so-called scientists, we alerted the authorities.
Now these defenseless apes will go to a safe sanctuary back in the wilderness where they belong.
Right.
Now, can you tell us why you're carrying that sign? Uh, French cuisine kills bunnies.
French cuisine kills I gotta hand it to you.
I had no idea your roommate was so well connected in the primate liberation community.
You did outstanding work tonight.
Yeah, sure I did.
- You disagree? - Ever read comics? As a matter of fact, I think Jughead is a real hoot.
Ever read Batman? Well, the Joker had a nickname for Batman's sidekick.
"Robin, the boy hostage.
" That's very clever.
I was held at gunpoint by a gorilla while you did your Dudley Do-Right thing.
Maybe the next time I want to handle something by myself you'll listen.
I wouldn't count on it.
Then I'll just tie you to the car.
Oh, yes, I would.
Oh, and, uh, one more thing, Dubbie.
You're not gonna stop calling me Dubbie, are you? Not a gosh-darn chance in heck.
[tires screech.]
Yeah, as a matter of fact, Mom, I do have a brand new job.
Yeah, it's it's more of a freelance thing.
Yeah, I get plenty of time to paint and a great workout.
My boss? You'd really like him.
He's into guns, just like dad.