The Middleman s01e02 Episode Script

Excuse me, ma'am, but I'm going to have to ask you to move aside.
- The human.
- This weird temp agency called.
The Jolly Fats Weehauken Temp Agency? Is this the part I ask you who the hell you are and what the hell you do? You know how in comic books there's all kinds of mad scientists, aliens and androids and monsters and all of them want to either destroy or take over the world? - In comic books, sure.
- It really does work like that.
Don't you want to fight evil? Monsters, robots and aliens? - Yeah, why not? - Dub-Dub, who's your boyfriend? He's not my boyfriend.
He's my boss.
- Lacey Thornfield.
Charmed.
- Delighted, ma'am.
- I'm a conceptual artist.
- Some have said that about me, too.
I heard you take care of exotic problems.
I'm just the middleman.
No one is more firmly rooted on the side of justice than I am.
You might find this hard to believe, but I too fight for the truth and preservation of American values in a concerned citizen kind of way.
I'm just sayin', one crime-hating gal to another.
Can't we just make these charges disappear? Your roommate was arrested for indecent exposure - in a sushi restaurant.
- As a form of protest.
It was like a free speech thing, with skin.
Oh, come on.
Indecent exposure is a misdemeanor.
Her third one in the past six months.
Yo, Wendy Watson, I'm double parked.
Have you got the goods yet? I don't know.
Have I got the goods yet? Just sign.
I'm releasing her to your care.
That makes you responsible.
- You won't regret this.
- Huh, you might.
Hey, guys! Did you miss me? - The sushi eaters hear you roar? - They certainly know I am woman.
Right on.
Thanks for springing me, Dub-Dub.
Hey, why is there no hugging back? There's hugging back.
It's just accompanied by exhaustion.
And confusion.
Indecent exposure at a sushi restaurant? Yep.
Mercury in tuna kills humans and sushi eaters kill fish, so no matter where you serve it, how you serve it, spicy tuna kills.
Now connect the dots to public nudity.
Girl's got to fight the power.
Girl's gotta remember she's not 18 anymore.
This isn't the campus police.
I spent a couple of hours in the slammer.
Yeah, I dragged myself out of bed to talk your way out.
Wendy, I'm a confrontational Spoken word performance artist.
I know.
I don't complain when you stay up late to paint.
Yeah, because when I paint, you don't have to grease the cops.
Maybe you should find a better way to make a statement than these pointless pranks.
Pointless? You have no idea what it takes to save the world, Wendy Watson.
- Too harsh? - Yeah.
The Middleman Season 1, Ep 2 Find what you're looking for? If I needed to kill a man by scrambling his molecular structure, yes, but since what I really want is a cup of coffee Hey! Bloodshot eyes, fatigue, crankiness.
Someone spent all night sucking on a spliff.
No.
Somebody was up late bailing your roomie out of the slammer.
If that somebody was you, then that makes Lacey the roommate in question.
Gosh, Sparky, did your fancy computer tell you that? - Is she OK? - I don't know.
I wish I thought to ask.
Instead I just launched on some tirade about responsibility and growing up.
And if we're gonna get into this, I really need a double black-eye.
Caffeine is a drug, Dubbie.
I'm holding the molecular stun cannon.
Ida.
Sweet.
Can that thing do a muffin? Oh, don't push your luck, junkie.
I like watching you get the shakes.
Lacey was just doing her protest thing.
Her heart's in the right place, just I wanted to be supportive.
But when I opened my mouth, my mom came out.
No, seriously.
I might have even said to buy a nice bag, high heels, a push-up bra and get herself a man.
- She's from Miami.
- Ah.
You'll make it up to her.
Not unless we have some alien weapon that shoots the mercury off fish.
I was thinking more of a sparkly card or a makeover.
Or we could use our computers to hack into the police mainframe and erase her permanent record.
Katie-bar-the-door, Dubbie.
We do not use our resources to solve personal issues.
Oh, come on.
I bet Ida's just a doubleclick away from making her permanent record go bye-bye.
I'm a doubleclick away from making something go bye-bye.
Oh, come on, why not? Our mandate is to protect the people from threats infra, extra, and juxta-terrestrial, not to become consumed with the mundane problems of everyday life.
Just this one time? You let yourself become distracted, next thing you know a geological rift opens and the city's overrun by three-toed hominids who battled man for dominance while you've got your tighty-whiteys around your ankles.
That happened to you, didn't it? Hey! Anybody want to get to work here? 'Cause we got hot donuts now.
Maybe you should sit this one out.
What? Why? Underslept.
Overcaffeinated.
Distracted.
I'm as serious as a Hefty bag full of rottweilers.
A Middleman must remain focused at all times.
I said I'm good.
Apparently there's been a mudslide.
What's so weird about that? Inside a Chinese restaurant.
I'm sorry, but this is a sealed area.
- We're waiting for the coroner.
- The coroner? Oh.
I'm Dr.
Kynes, this is Dr.
Rabban from the Ecological Task Force.
We think global warming is to blame.
Al Gore just ain't whistling Dixie.
No, sir, he isn't.
- Were there any witnesses? - Uh, just a busboy, he's in the back.
Why don't you go get him while we investigate the site? OK.
So, when do I get one of those? Try using your eyes.
See anything? Aside from the half-buried corpse? Focus, Dubbie.
Don't let the 'feine deaden your senses.
The 'feine? Well, I see nothing.
Which is something because there should be a statue of a terra cotta warrior on this pedestal.
Good.
Make a note.
I need Ida to tap CHAD for any information on our warrior.
- CHAD? - Chinese Historical Art Database.
Or I could tell you that our statue is a general in the terra cotta army commissioned by the emperor of the Qin Dynasty and buried with him in 209 BC.
Color me impressed.
Color me focused.
I heard an awful sound, so I ran out from the kitchen and a huge wall of mud just came out of nowhere, overrunning everything in the place.
And that's your boss? Mr.
Hsu.
What can you tell us about him? He was your typical small business owner.
Driven, hard-working, freakish obsession with that warrior statue.
- Can you expand on that? - Long hours.
Impeccable work ethic.
I think it's a cultural thing.
I meant the freakish obsession.
Oh.
Well, he mortgaged the place to bring the terra cotta warrior over from China.
Then he spent all hours of the night burning candles - and chanting in Mandarin.
- What did he say? Dude, I'm like third generation twice-removed.
I don't speak a lick of Chinese, but it sounded like "Rise, be flesh, and walk the Earth.
" Could global warming make that happen? - Yes.
- Yes.
What are your thoughts on how to handle this? Are you quizzing me because you think I'm not focused? I'm quizzing you because I have no thoughts on how to handle this.
You're at a loss? That's a new one.
You might find what I'm about to tell you shocking, given my knowledge of aliens, monsters and androids, but I do have one area of weakness.
- Brevity? - Magic.
The supernatural.
The dark arts.
Things that go bump.
Anathema.
We'll need to consult someone.
- Who? - Our consultant, of course.
You are off today.
Hate it, hate it, hate it.
It's a disaster of unmitigated proportions.
They look like the "Addicted to Love" girls.
Roxy, this was your concept.
It stinks! All right, boss, we'll tear it down.
The devil actually does wear Prada.
That's no devil.
That's a succubus.
You, get over to the hair, now! To the models.
You stay here with Trevor because certainly he is incompetent.
Should I kill it? Stay your weapon, Dubbie.
Roxy Wasserman is completely reformed.
Opened this place as a halfway house for other reformed succubi.
Gives them a chance to get out of the killing field and onto their feet.
This place is a halfway house for soul-sucking demons who sneak up on defenseless men and seduce them in their sleep? It's also a halfway house for soul-sucking demons who sneak up on defenseless women and seduce them in their sleep.
MM, darling, give me kisses.
We're in a pantload of trouble, Rox.
I see.
It looks like you're wearing Hitler's smoking jacket and it looks even worse on a girl.
I know! We didn't come for the fashion advice.
We're in need of supernatural consultation.
My normal fee? Step into my office.
A Chinese warrior, you say.
Trevor! I'm going to guess it was a terra cotta warrior.
Buried with the emperor of the Qin Dynasty in 209.
We already got that from the placemat.
If you knew anything at all you wouldn't be standing in my office.
You'd be running for the hills.
Trevor, come in and meet our guests.
Watch your mouth with this one.
Trevor here is just barely reformed.
You know Trevor used to sneak up on poor, unsuspecting women in their sleep and do unspeakable things to them with his cold, icy Hands.
Thank you.
What can I do for you, Roxy? They have an Earth Elemental on their hands.
Mmm, nasty.
Start gathering the items listed on page 47.
An Earth Elemental? Spirit that draws its power from living earth.
Can manipulate or control anything made of earth.
Hence your mudslide inside a restaurant.
So he's like the Magneto of mud? Grapes of wrath, Dubbie.
Do you have any idea how much of the earth is made up of earth? Himself included.
He can take any form as long as it's made of earth.
And hide anywhere.
Gobsmack it, this is why I hate magic.
Oh, don't make such a fuss.
Water beats earth, MM.
I'll make you a vial of aquatic banishment.
You throw it at him and poof! No more warrior.
But the recipe is delicate.
I will need some time.
So we just hang out here? No.
You must stop the warrior from completing its mission.
Which is? Legend says the terra cotta warriors were created to have a fanatical devotion to the emperor.
They believed the world would end with the death of their liege.
If this one truly walks the earth, he will make it his mission to find the last living heir to the Qin Dynasty and take him to the land of the dead.
That's it? Well, that doesn't sound so scary.
And release a hail of fire that will rain down on Earth for a thousand years.
We get to your place, go inside and pack a bag.
I'll wait outside.
Why do I need to pack a bag? - OH.
Look over there.
- What? Those are your State Department- recommended inoculations for China.
A healthy dose of distraction would help the medicine go down.
We're going to China? As soon as Ida gives us the coordinates for the heir.
Let's hope it takes Mudman a good amount of time to figure out transcontinental travel and passport control.
Why can't the Chinese Middleman just take over the case? Don't be ridiculous.
China is a Communist country.
A hero would be reduced to the level of the common man.
I'm the only Middleman, and you're the only - Sidekick? - Right.
Just you and me against all the bad things out there.
That's all that separates the planet from a thousand years of fire.
I hear you.
And keep an eye on yourself.
The vaccinations may cause drowsiness, paranoia, and atypically vivid daydreams.
- Yo, Wendy Watson.
- Hey, Noser.
What are you gonna do with the light fandango? Not gonna let it distract me from saving the world.
Wanna do cartwheels 'cross the floor? Nope, I'm a guided missile of purpose.
That truth is plain to see.
Oh, hang on.
She just walked in.
It's your mom.
And she agrees that tuna kills.
Mom, hey.
Can I call you later? Yes, mother.
It is shocking how much mercury is in fish.
You're right.
It's very important to get the message out.
Know where my puffy coat is? I borrowed it.
Yes, I know I was cranky.
Did she tell you that I bailed her out at 3:00 AM? I'm still in the room.
After the longest day at work ever.
What's with the repo, man? I'm going out of town for a few days.
Hey, Mom.
I gotta go.
I'm doing a job for Roxy Wasserman.
And I sorta owe Lacey an apology for last night so OK, love you too.
Are you serious? Yeah.
I was really tired last night and I probably should've been a little more patient I mean about working for Roxy Wasserman.
Roxy Wasserman is single-handedly keeping fur in style.
Do you have any idea how many animals die to make her clothes? I've got a good mind to march down there right now and spray the place with fake blood.
Lacey, no.
Famouse is not the sort of place where you want to commit a felony.
Roxy Wasserman takes fashion seriously, really seriously.
And I take animals seriously.
really seriously.
Please don't go down there.
That place, it's it's not human.
At least we agree on that.
I don't know how else to say this.
Just don't.
I work with Roxy Relax, Captain Day Job.
I won't tell anyone we're friends.
I won't call you from jail either.
That's not what I mean, Lacey.
Wait.
Do you guys know where the furs are? Hate it, hate it so much I want to gouge my eyes out, hate it so much I want to gouge you eyes out.
Oh, good lord! I ask for modern.
I ask for hip and what do I get? What exactly is this? It's like somebody's nightmare.
My label goes on these rags, people.
Tell me how to fix it! How about a fur coat? Who said that? What is your name? Um Uh Lacey Thornfield.
"Um Uh Lacey Thornfield.
" You're adorable.
Now tell me, do I look like Margaret Thatcher? A fur coat at a summer shoot? Shut your eyes! Shut them! Ignore every stupid thought of conformity in that tiny little brain of yours and I want you to visualize like as if your life depends on your ability to accessorize.
Don't think! Imagine.
Pink tulle fairy skirt with rhinestone embellished gold lam waist belt and matching unicorn headdress? What did you say? - I'm not sure, ma'am.
- Brilliant! Absolutely transcendent.
You're like Karl Lagerfeld with breasts.
You heard her, people.
Fairy Skirt and headdress! Go! Go! Lacey Thornfield, you just landed yourself a new job as my assistant.
But you already have an assistant.
Betty, you're fired! Stand by me, darling.
Not too close.
Back up.
Yes.
More horsey, more horsey.
And tighter, tighter horsey.
There we are.
Come on, Lacey.
Pick up.
Pick up.
- Pick up! - Turn that thing off.
There's no way my cell phone interferes with that thing's frequency.
I'm talking about your mouth.
Lay off, Threepio.
I've got a serious problem here.
We are in the middle of an operation.
How close are we? I'm just finishing the STORC search.
Sperm Tracker Operations and Reconnaissance Commander.
I'll have a location for you in 40 seconds.
Dubbie, you have 40 seconds to talk this out.
Go.
Uh, well, well, Lacey's been mad at me before, but she's never ignored my calls.
I thought you solved your female problems.
I don't think female problems means what you think it means, but no.
Now, it's even worse.
Because of me, Lacey went to Famouse to sling fake blood at the fur line.
You have to admire her enthusiasm.
It's not a joke.
She could get arrested.
Again.
Or worse.
Those succubi are completely reformed.
As for the arresting, she's an adult.
She'll handle it.
She's like half an adult.
Hey! I've got an heir lock.
You need to trust Lacey.
Let me just try her one more time.
And right now, I need to trust you.
His name's Duncan.
The name of the heir to the Qin Dynasty is Duncan? So where's the next Emperor to China? "Strengthen your brain" What is the heir to the Qin Dynasty doing in a school in the suburbs? Physical education by the looks of his schedule.
Can't believe you gave me that shot for nothing.
You're not experiencing side effects, are you? - Drowsiness? ??? Vivid daydreams? - Annoyance? Let's go find his majesty before that Terracotta Warrior shows up.
That mud-molding demon could be anywhere.
fifty daffodils to Shaddam at the House of Corrino and, oh, and I have people working on a water elemental.
Is that a fashion thing? Do I pay you to ask questions? You're supposed to get a drop of water from each of the seven seas and a hair from a water buffalo.
I want you to go down there and find out how far they've come.
I already have the sea water and hair of water buffalo.
Hair of water buffalo? What kind of design is this? One that will prevent fire from raining on earth for a thousand years.
Someone thinks a little too highly of her job.
So all that remains is 30 bottles of Tahiti Water.
That's yours, Lacey.
Tahiti Water? That stuff is terrible for the environment.
It's the only water in the world with the mineral content I need.
Don't you care about your carbon footprint? Is it anything like the footprint I'm going to leave on your young, arrogant derriere if you don't do exactly as I say? Why is she so mean? See the way she looked at me? I thought she was gonna kill me.
I doubt it.
Roxy hasn't killed since the early 80s.
- I'm Lacey.
- Trevor.
You're different than the assistants Roxy usually hires.
It's 'Cause I have a soul.
- Really? - Shocking.
I know.
I want this job for one reason.
I want to see where they keep the furs.
You like fur? I have a thing for fur.
Make Roxy Wasserman happy and you might just get your wish.
Keep a watchful eye for our Warrior.
Yes.
Because he can control the very earth with his mind, and there's earth everywhere on the Earth, I get it.
You underestimate the enemy at our peril.
We're in a public school, there's no earth here, just blacktop.
Which one looks like the heir to a royal dynasty from the far east? Allow me.
Red rover, red rover, send Duncan right over! He's the heir to the Qin Dynasty? Hands Across America, that's unexpected.
Terracotta roof! OK, MM, I defer to you on this one 'cause I got nothing.
Duck and cover, Dubbie.
Roxy said only the Vial of Aquatic Banishment can kill this dude! You may want to come with us.
There are just way too many copies of Terminator out there.
OK, Let's go! Son, We don't have a lot of time.
I must be blunt.
That warrior wants to serve you up as a ritualistic sacrifice to the underworld because you're the heir to the Qin Dynasty.
We'll either be destroying the Warrior with a supernatural weapon or delivering you to an international safehouse where you'll assume a new identity.
How are you with foreign languages? - That's our supernatural consultant.
Excuse me.
Roxy? It's The Middleman.
In a bit of a sticky widget so let me get right to it.
Is he some kind of superhero? - Something like that.
- And what are you? Ever hear of Robin the Boy Wonder? Yeah.
He sucks.
So you didn't know you're the heir to the Qin Dynasty? Roxy just finished the Vial of Aquatic Banishment.
What's your address? Uh 1965 Caladan Lane.
Are you smoking terracotta? We can't take him home.
The Warrior will track him there.
Elemental my dear Watson.
Right into our trap.
1965 Caladan Lane, Roxy.
And make it snappy.
We can't let the Warrior beat us there.
What in the gosh darn heck? Can you give me just one second? Lacey, what are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be in China? We had a change of plans.
I've been trying to call you.
Sorry.
I've been too busy to take personal calls.
Roxy Wasserman hand picked me to be her personal assistant.
Apparently I'm Karl Lagerfield with breasts.
She sent me here to deliver this bag.
What? But you despise Roxy Wasserman and everything she stands for.
I thought you'd be glad I got a job.
You're the one that told me to grow up.
Hello, Lacey.
Hi, Wendy's boss.
Apparently You have something for me.
This is for you? Ah, my toner, wonderful.
You can never be too kind to your skin.
It is, after all, the largest and most sensitive of the body's organs.
I got the Tahiti Water for it myself.
Tahiti Water? You have fundamental issues with bottled water.
My skin thanks you kindly, Lacey.
As do I.
I hate to delay you any longer, Lacey.
I'm sure Ms.
Wasserman must be eager to get you back at the office.
Right.
Job.
Right.
Bye bye, Wendy's boss.
They took her soul.
- I told you, those succubi are completely - Her metaphorical soul.
what is she doing working for a furmonger? I guess this development is upsetting but I must remind you to Delay any emotional reaction until we've safely delivered the Earth from peril.
I got it without the lecture.
I'll grab the heir.
You think our son is the heir to an ancient line of Chinese rulers? And is currently being hunted by a military Zealot born of clay made flesh and bent on taking him to the Underworld, yes.
There's obviously been a huge mistake.
That thing came after me, Dad.
It would have killed me if this guy didn't go T-2 on his ass.
Don't say "ass" in front of company.
Say "ass" all you want, Duncan.
Our company was just leaving.
Honey, maybe we should listen to what they have to say.
But this is insane.
Isn't it? Jessica? Duncan, you know how Mommy sometimes takes long international business trips? Yeah.
Well, sometimes Mommy gets lonely.
And one time she drank a lot of plum wine during her trip to Shanghai.
Oh, no she didn't.
Tell me she didn't.
Sometimes her husband forgets how to make her feel attractive.
Now that we've settled the boy's lineage let's move on to more pressing matters.
The Boy Scouts called.
they want their family counseling Merit Badge back.
Would you excuse me? Dad? I'm being hunted! I am gonna need so much therapy.
Hey.
I know this Dad stuff is a lot to handle.
Is that your job? To talk me down? Well, I understand where you're coming from.
My Dad disappeared when I was 14.
I don't know if he abandoned me or if he's dead.
- That sucks.
- Totally.
But I get what it's like to have a lot of questions about your Dad.
I'm gonna make sure you live to get yours answered.
He's just ordered us to give him the heir.
I told him it's not going to happen.
Just throw it.
Ashes to ashes and dirt to dirt.
Shouldn't he be melting or something? It'll be a cold day in hell before I destroy the Earth with bottled water.
Like anyone's gonna know the difference.
I just had an atypically vivid daydream.
Duncan! Duncan! Where's our son? Roxy Wasserman.
MM, darling, how much do you love me? Did you get a direct hit? Did the Terracotta Warrior die magnificently? What? Where are you now? On our way.
We should be there in one minute 54 seconds, give or take.
Garbage truck! Seatbelt please.
The life you save may be your own.
Yes, Roxy, I'm looking forward to seeing you too.
OK, buh bye.
"Buh bye?" A boy taken from his parents and a thousand years of fire and that's all you got? I see no need to forgo simple courtesy, and it doesn't seem to be raining fire yet.
It just one of those rare times I'm thankful the road to the underworld is long, burdensome.
Does she know it's Lacey's fault? Now is not the time to cast blame.
It's not even Lacey's fault.
It's mine.
For driving her into that den of fur, succubus, and anorexia.
We can talk about it after we've liberated the world from certain doom.
- Stop doing that.
- What? "Don't talk until the world is undoomed.
" "You can't cry until you've reached the international safehouse.
" "You have 40 seconds to save your friendship.
" These rules exist for a reason.
Why? I don't have time to explain right now.
Everything's under control, darlings.
We're whipping up a new Vial of Aquatic Banishment.
It was all the fault of that vapid and useless new assistant of mine.
Hey.
That's my roommate you're talking about.
Wait.
Where is she? Gone.
Good.
Wait.
Gone where? - You didn't? - She's been dealt with.
Define "dealt with.
" Wendy.
Roxy would never I said "define dealt with.
" Your sidekicks's got spunk, MM.
Relax, sidekick.
I fired her.
See, everyone's a winner.
Shall we get to work? The Warrior will take the old road to the underworld.
It's long and inefficient.
Stupid ancients and their mistrust of modern technology.
That means we still have time to cut him off on the road? Yes.
If you're up for battling unspeakable horrors that no mortal has ever survived, then by all means, cut him off on the road.
You should hold all questions until the end of the demonstration.
The new route was created this century.
It's modern, comfortable, and most important direct.
- Then that means - Yes.
- Means what? - You know the danger.
- It has to be done.
- What has to be done? Your sidekick will be a hindrance.
You must go alone.
- Go where? - I can't go alone.
Somebody has to hold the Vial of Aquatic Banishment.
Oh.
Yes.
Your hands will be full with the Scythe.
What Scythe? The Scythe of Muadru.
That's the question you answer? She can handle it.
I have the utmost faith in her.
- She's like her roommate.
- I take that as a compliment.
- Vapid and useless.
- Am not.
See.
There.
It's settled.
- She's going.
- Going where?! All Succubi report to your stations.
We're opening the door to the underworld.
Lacey! Lacey! Wait! Are you OK? I can't believe Roxy Wasserman just canned me for trying to save the environment.
- It's her loss.
- I'm so mad at myself! Why'd I have to pull that stunt with the water? So much I wanted to accomplish here.
Anything I can do to cheer you up? No.
I need my Dub Dub.
What's that? It's my best friend.
Who I'm sort of fighting with right now.
She's kind of always there to bail me out.
Sometimes literally.
Are you sure there's nothing I can do? Actually, I can think of one thing that would make me feel a whole lot better.
The Scythe of Muadru allows the living to navigate the Underworld.
If I let go for a second, we'll be stuck there for eternity.
Which is why your job is so important.
Hold the little girly bottle.
Hand it to you when you need it.
I got it the first three times.
My redundancy is only a reflection of the importance of this assignment.
The Underworld is full of temptations, personal and emotional enticements that would tax the strongest of mortals.
You think I can't handle it? - I think - I know what you think.
I've Been hearing it all day.
"Saving the world requires focus.
" Look, I'm a multitasker.
Ability to defeat evil and deal with emo at the same time.
It's like my superpower.
Personally, I've never had emo that didn't interfere with the job.
I find that hard to believe.
I mean, that you've ever had emo.
Ann Arbor High School, 1991.
Oh, jeez.
Way to reach for a recent example.
Fred Butler was a quarterback with a bright future.
Big Ten scouts were coming to watch him play.
He was running a play against Adrian.
Game was in the bag.
One of his line men couldn't wait to run off the field.
That was you, right? I had a gal cheering for me in the stands.
Before the game she'd given me a mix tape.
- Is "mix tape" a euphemism for - No.
The play was called, the ball was snapped.
All I could think about was that haunting Bryan Adams song, and how much I loved the girl who'd given me that tape.
That's, uh kinda sweet I guess.
No, Dubbie.
It was pathetic.
Your words.
Not mine.
Fred was my man and I was supposed to have his back.
But instead, I'm whistling that stupid song from Robin Hood.
The next thing I heard was the sickening wet crunch when his knee hit the turf.
Fred had three operations before we graduated high school, but he never played again.
You can't be sure that was your fault.
No.
But I am sure I could have prevented it.
Life sometimes scatters you.
It happens.
Not since then.
And not for us.
I will always give you 100 percent.
I hope I can expect the same in return.
The Underworld awaits.
Powers of the world beneath, spirits of the dead, powers of the planes beyond, spirits of the restless, grant us passage through your realms! Grant us strength in our journey! grant us courage in this travail, grant us speed in our crossing, grant us fortune in our quest.
Open the door! Open the door! Open the door! This is the underworld? So all those temp jobs really were hell on earth.
- What do you mean? - It was a joke.
You know, because this is supposed to be the Underworld but instead, it looks just like a boring old office building.
Sands of Zanzibar! You see an office building? Yeah.
You don't? I see a field.
Wild.
Overgrown.
Barbaric.
Look over there.
A feral rabbit.
Seriously? No.
I see an office building.
Wow.
Somebody's funny in the Underworld.
Which way? I'm not sure.
We'll have to ask at the information desk.
What's in all those files? - Heard of The Book of The Dead? - Sure.
That was version 1.
0.
Now the dead are catalogued in a proprietary system of files.
Much like our own Dewey Decimal System.
So there's a record of everyone who's ever died? For being an infinitely massive vale of shadows and mystery, this place is surprisingly well-organized.
Dangnabit.
Service down here has gone to pot.
Have you been helped? - Oh, you're alive.
- Yes.
And hoping to stay that way.
We're looking for a Terracotta Warrior and his boy hostage.
I hate the living.
And we'll be skedaddling out of your way posthaste but not until we resolve some unfinished business with our warrior friend.
You just missed him.
Thousand Years of Fire Room.
Guns of Navarone! How did he beat us here? Upstairs.
End of the hall.
Better hurry.
Let's roll, Dubbie.
I need you to look someone up for me.
His name is Peter Watson.
He's my Dad.
Peter Watson? Sure.
Piece of cake.
Or maybe you'd like me to find a specific Joe Smith.
'Cause that's not at all inconvenient.
I know Watson is an annoyingly common name.
OK? Believe me.
It's my cross to bear too.
But please.
Look, I know you're dead.
Or something, so you probably don't even have emotions.
But please try to understand.
I was 14 when my father disappeared.
I've spent my entire life wondering if he's still alive.
This is my Holy Grail.
This is my Rosebud.
This is Not working on me, hon.
Oh.
Can't kill the dead, can I? No.
But you're funny.
Oh, what the hell.
What was the name again? Peter Watson.
Was he by any chance with the Luftwaffe? No.
Uh, he flew a DC-3.
Fixed wing.
American.
OK.
Dubbie! Now! The Vial! Dubbie? OK, here we go.
- You found it? - I found the right year.
I'm close.
Wendy! Wendy! Wendy! I think I have your answer.
Where the hell did she go? Watson, I need you! - I'm sorry.
I was - Let's go! Move! Come on! Don't look back! Dubbie! Dubbie, Now! Come on! Throw it! She's gonna blow! I don't know about you, but I need some chocolate.
I said chocolate, people! The good kind.
- I want my Dad.
- I hear ya.
- So.
- Yeah.
Do we need to post-mortem? It may have an unfortunate double meaning but I assure you I mean it solely in the recap sense of the word.
You were right.
I let personal stuff get in the way.
Wendy, it's one thing to set aside a fight with your roommate, but some things walk beside you your whole life.
The world could have ended.
But it didn't.
You came through in the end.
That's all that matters.
So what now? It looks like we have all the time in the world if you'd like to have some kind of emotional breakdown.
Kinda numb right now.
But I appreciate the offer.
You know, all this Middleman stuff.
I think my dad would have been proud.
Maybe he still is.
I didn't think I'd hear myself say this, Trevor, but I really love these furs.
It's just so great we're getting to keep so many.
Thanks for helping me carry them out.
- I don't know how - He sucked her soul out! Son of a bitch! Wendy? What are you doing? Uh I got these for you.
To apologize.
And to tell you how much I admire your soul.
Maybe I should give you girls a minute.
- Are those really for me? - Uh, No.
They were kinda sorta to smash Trevor over the head for luring you into a soulless life of fur-wearing because that's totally not who you are in any way.
- You'd do that for me? - I am your best friend.
A girl could go to prison for braining a guy.
I know, I just get so mad when I see people doing the wrong thing I have to take a stand.
I just wish my best friend would understand that.
That's why I love you.
- Ladies.
- UhOK.
Why are homeless men walking around in mink? I have to show you something.
When Roxy Wasserman offered me a job, I figured all I had to do was hang in there long enough to get to the fur room and go all Carrie Prom Night II.
but after Trevor finally got me into the fur room I started thinking about everything you said.
And I thought, WWWWD.
WWWWD? What would Wendy Watson do? So The minks already lost their lives.
I can't do anything about that.
But I can make sure their ultimate sacrifice is used for good, not evil.
You still committed grand larceny.
You stole all those furs.
I talked Roxy into donating them.
You did? Yes.
She was so busy she barely noticed I was still in the building.
She told me to take the furs because the world's going to hell anyway.
- Oh, Lacey, that is so - Mature? - awesome.
- I know! Give me a hug.