The Mindy Project s01e12 Episode Script

Hooking Up is Hard

Mindy, I had the most amazing encounter last night.
I met a woman at the merch table of a performance of The Lion King.
Let's just say she felt the love last night.
Mindy, did a-- Oh, my God! Oh, God, Jeremy, I'm so sorry.
Jeremy, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I forgot I was wearing this.
I spend so many nights here now, and I'm scared of getting murdered.
So I figure, if I'm wearing this, murderers will think I'm a murderer and they'll just go, "Eh, too many cooks in the kitchen.
" You know, you're here constantly.
Well, my plan was to marry rich and then stop working, or to marry old, and then when the guy died, inherit all his money.
But old guys think I have sass mouth.
No, you're going about it all wrong, Mindy.
I mean, yeah, it's hard to mix work and love.
But it's not hard to mix work and sex.
I like sex.
Tell me more.
Well, I had an hour between deliveries, and I met this very nubile Russian ballerina at an Internet cafe.
Hey, man, don't tell me sex stories.
I mean, tell me more about--yeah.
Come on.
All I'm saying is, maybe you should consider a more, I don't know, casual arrangement.
I don't know.
Remember, we tried that, and it kinda sucked.
That wasn't casual for you.
You loved me.
I don't know that I loved you-- You were deeply and fully in love with me.
I again--I think that-- No, it's okay.
All I'm saying is, if you want to start enjoying life, skip the date, move on to the good part.
Ow! Are you kidding me? Why are you wearing that? 'Cause I don't want to get murdered, Danny! That doesn't clarify anything! Hey, Danny.
Can you trade mouses with me? Mine's all oily.
Wait, why are the midwives here? Because this morning when I came to work I was greeted by water coming from my ceiling, because their stupid water birth tub exploded over the weekend.
You know what this joker does? He gives me this Healing Anger book by some new-age weirdo.
I suppose some would call the Dalai Lama a new age weirdo.
Chinese communists, maybe.
Hi, Mindy.
Don't "Hi" me, Deslaurier.
Yeah, don't "Hi" her.
You might trick some of our patients to defect to your sham midwife operation that you have going on, but you can't trick us into saying hi to you.
Damn it.
What do you say, Duncan? Shall we take our oolong and say so long? That's lame.
Got your-- Oh, hey, no one told me about the cool convention.
Hi, Duncan.
Hey, Morgan.
Don't talk to him.
They're not our friends, Morgan.
I gotta check something in my file.
Hi, Duncan.
Hmm? I know that you're with officer Stassen right now, but before that, did you ever engage in anything kind of, like, casual? People seem to be having these awesome sex lives, and I'm just trying to, like, find a life partner to go apple-picking with.
What's wrong with me? Dr.
L, are you thinking about having a one-night stand? 'Cause, take it from me, they are the pits.
That's okay, Morgan.
I wasn't really opening it up to the floor, so you can just-- No, no, I'm invested now.
Listen to me.
You are too pure to be having a bunch of gross sex with randos.
I was never-- You are like a little baby deer, you know? You got little white spots on you, and you're eating a bottle of milk, and you got to wait for your ten-point buck.
And then the two of you get married under, like, a canopy in the forest, and the rabbits are there, and there's, like, a owl who's the priest.
And I really want that.
Just getting kind of impatient, you know.
I want to have fun.
Don't feel bad, Dr.
We're in the no one-night stand club together.
Maybe Saturday night you and I could meet up and make our lunches for the week.
Oh, God.
Can I ask you some advice? About that thing that we were talking about earlier.
Laser hair removal can be expensive, but then you won't have the shadow at least, which will help.
No, I'm not talking about that.
Oh, sorry.
I'm talking about how to help pick a guy for stuff.
Well, the key, Mindy, is to find a man who you're attracted to Okay.
But you don't respect and you can't see a future with.
Draco Malfoy.
Someone not fictitious.
Let's examine that "Ugh" for a moment.
It's actually a very fascinating emotion.
It finds its roots in an evolutionary fear of contamination.
It has very little to do with disgust.
Okay, I get it, Brendan.
You know a lot about science facts.
Choose to ignore if you like.
What are you doing? Brendan, um Would you be interested in, um, me coming over To your house Tomorrow night To hang out? I am so sorry.
Yeah, okay.
I take it back.
Wait, what? That sounds fun.
Let's do it.
Just to be 100% clear, when I say "Hang out," I mean, like--do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I get it.
We're gonna hang out.
Guys, I am so nervous about seeing Brendan tonight.
Okay, I love you having random hook-ups.
I don't know.
The last time she tried this was in college, and she got so freaked out that she pulled the fire alarm at the Hillel House.
Gwen, first of all, Avi and I were sitting, looking at CDs in his CD binder.
All of a sudden, he starts massaging my shoulders.
I freaked out.
If I can give you one piece of advice? Yeah.
Don't wear underwear.
Okay, I have never not worn underwear.
I wear underwear under my bathing suits.
Oh, and this will drive him crazy.
Undress him.
Like I'm his mom? Can't he undress himself? No, like he's a Christmas present that you just can't wait to unwrap.
Okay, I can't believe I'm agreeing with this, but it is so true, because every time I start to unbutton Carl's shirt, that civil war book gets closed.
All right, I can undress this guy.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, why have we stopped doing crunches, you maggots? Hey, why is your nurse running our boot camp? 'Cause he's dirt cheap.
Hey, less questions, more crunches with your fat asses.
What'd you say? Hi, I'm looking for Danny.
Is he around? Oh, my God.
Are you eye patch? I'm Jillian, but, yeah, I'm wearing an eye patch.
It's nice to meet you.
Hi, nice to meet you.
I'm Mindy.
Can I just say, even though you only have one eye, you are so pretty.
I actually have two eyes.
This one's just injured temporarily, but it'll be back.
Hey, can you please tell me what Danny's apartment is like? In my mind, it's like a smoky speakeasy where old men go to complain about technology.
But I could also see it being-- Hey, I told you to go right into my office so you didn't have to stop in this outer area.
Oh, no, come on.
Yeah, but then we wouldn't be able to interact with her.
Hi, I'm Morgan Tookers.
Can I get a quick photo with you? Morgan, I don't want to have this talk again, okay? Danny, your girlfriend is so pretty.
And she's much younger than you.
She's not that much younger.
She looks like she could be my daughter, and I look like I could be your daughter.
What are your plans tonight? We're heading out of here.
We're gonna go see a play.
Well, it's my friend's cabaret show.
What they do is they take these classic episodes of Golden Girls, and they recast all of the roles with guys.
What? It's very sexual.
There's a high, high chance of nudity.
I mean, aren't we gonna see a normal play, like Our Town or Death of a Salesman? Back in Otisville, I was in a production of Death of a Salesman.
I played mom.
Ironically, the guy who played happy hung himself in his cell.
Did I use ironically correctly? Okay, we're gonna head out to dinner, so thanks, guys.
It's like 7:00.
We're gonna eat after.
I made a reservation for sushi at 11:00.
Wow, okay.
When are we gonna go to bed? Eye patch, these plans sound just like the kind of in-your-face, campy, late-night cultural event that Danny loves.
Have a great time, you guys.
Thank you.
It's really nice meeting you guys.
See you.
Take care.
If you are watching this, I am already dead.
I was murdered.
Just a innocent girl on her way to what she believed would be a harmless one-night stand.
If you are a Lifetime executive, I would like to humbly offer up the following casting suggestions.
For the part of me, Freida Pinto or a young Halle Berry.
For the part of the cop who falls in love with me as he pieces together my life story, Mark Ruffalo.
For my best friend Not bad, huh? I--oh, no.
Come in.
Okay, so we're just-- we're just gonna dive right in then.
So welcome.
You have a sweater on.
You look very nice.
Thank you.
I've got some bad news.
The theater doesn't have any heat right now.
It's 30 degrees out.
How long is the show? It's like a really loose structure, and there's a lot of audience participation.
And, at any second, one of the actors could just, like, pluck you out from the audience and onto the stage and in the scene.
They just pluck you, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, and you just go with it.
It would be fun Yeah.
If I was up there.
Oh, man, they need me at the hospital.
Oh, no.
Is everything okay? Okay, I should probably-- I'm so sorry.
I should get outta here.
You're cool? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm so bummed! Can I get you a drink? Vodka.
Vodka and what? Nothing.
Just, like, in a Dixie cup.
That's fine.
If you do have some corn chips, I find that those go very well with the vodka.
I don't believe in snacking.
Anyhow, how was your day? It's getting better now.
How was your day? Paperwork in the morning, had some new consultations midday.
Then I wrote a scathing anti-epidural op-ed for the Detroit Free Press.
What? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Are you kidding me? Epidurals prevent so much senseless suffering.
You know what? Doesn't matter.
We're not here to talk about medicine.
We're here to talk chemistry.
And biology.
And urology.
What? Do you have a place that I could just freshen up? All right, what's in your medicine cabinet, you little weirdo reefer hippie? Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Hello, guest of Brendan.
Took my love and I took it down Please select the kind of shower you would like.
I don't want to take a shower.
Sir-- Thunderstorm.
I don't want to shower.
Deep tissue.
Please stop speaking.
No, no, no, no.
I climbed a mountain and I turned around and I saw my reflection in a snow-covered hill Oh, God.
Till the landslide brought me down I've been afraid of changing Help! Help! Please help! Around you but time makes you bolder Brendan! The landslide will bring it down Hey, you.
Hey, there.
Don't move.
Make yourself comfortable.
I'm really psyched to start hooking up with you.
Oh, you know Remember kama sutra? Mm-hmm.
Oh, oh, take it easy.
Slow to go fast, right? Cool.
Why don't I undress you? Cool.
You're gonna like it.
This is harder than I thought.
Do you need help? No.
You sure? Yeah.
Um Yeah, I'll come-- Just let me.
Thank you.
Okay, there.
Can you bend your arm, please? Just be careful with the seam.
Just go slack.
I'm slack.
Your head is crazy big.
Ow! Ow! Here we go.
Wow, my eye.
Oh, my God.
Are you all right? You knocked out my contact.
What does it look like? My contact? It's a clear, round disc.
You don't have to take that kind of tone.
I'm just trying to help.
Just scoot over.
I'm sorry.
I thought it would be sexy to undress you.
You know what, contacts are disposable.
This night is not.
Oh, God.
Are you serious? Did you just really say that? Okay.
Let me do this.
Hey, Brendan.
Oh, hey, Duncan.
We have a guest.
We share this space.
It's okay.
Okay-- I brought a friend to hang out with too.
Whoa, nice place.
Oh, my God.
L? Morgan, what are you doing here? Funny story.
This is not what it looks like.
We are just hanging out.
That's exactly what it looks like.
You cannot tell Dr.
It was not supposed to happen.
No problem.
That's fine.
Hey, what's up, man? How are you? Hey, good to see you.
Don't-- We were accidental friends.
Can you get off-- It's out there now, and I need you to accept that.
Tell me you get it.
I get it.
How long's this little bromance been going on? We're not bros, Morgan.
We were actually about to become intimate.
Ooh, Dr.
Lahiri! You little knucklehead.
Stop it.
Stop tickling me.
When were you gonna tell me you had a boyfriend? I don't have a boyfriend.
Can I be the best man at the wedding? No, Morgan, we're not-- Don't answer now, but know that it's something I really want.
This isn't even a date.
Do you understand what I'm saying? Is this a casual sexual encounter? Yes.
Nope! Excuse me.
What are you doing? I'm talking to my friend in private.
Why don't you and Duncan go to the arcade or something? The arcade is closed for rats.
Morgan! It's not right.
Yes, okay, it might be a bad idea, but sometimes you need to experience the outcome of a bad idea.
Like you and train tracks.
I know it's wrong, but I gotta have those smushed pennies.
Yes, and now I need some smushed pennies.
Look, I won't tell anyone about your Deslaurier if you don't tell anyone about my Deslaurier.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Your secret is safe with me.
Largely because I don't care, and I'll probably forget.
Thank you so much.
You guys, I am so scared right now.
Little girl, do not open that email--oh, my God.
Oh, nice, candy straws.
Thanks, doc.
Hey, Duncan, you sure you want to eat that, buddy? Why can't he eat the sour straws? They're delicious.
What are they, poison? It's made of corn syrup, so I'd say, yes, that's government-subsidized poison.
It's really good.
Okay, if you open the email, you die.
I was raised eating corn syrup, and I think I turned out okay.
But your children will pay for that.
You don't need to worry about my unborn children, weirdo.
You know what, I'm gonna go, all right? You have a weird, lame shower, this movie sucks, and this conversation-- I've gained nothing from it.
Please take these out of my house.
Aoki, Aoki, don't open it.
Don't open the email.
Don't open the email.
Oh, God! Asthma attack.
Oh, my God.
Okay, Morgan, Morgan, where's your inhaler? Where's your inhaler? It's in my duffel.
God, Morgan, why do you have a mannequin head and Bossypants in here? I wanted to see how Tina Fey can juggle it all.
Okay, okay, here, here.
Take it.
Take it, take it, take it.
Oh, God, give it to me.
It's empty.
It's empty.
Oh, my God.
He needs to calm down.
There is a strong link between panic and asthma, okay? You can't just wave a dream catcher at a respiratory condition, Brendan.
Let me handle this.
Okay? Morgan, listen to me, I need you to envision the most relaxing place in the whole world.
What is that? The quarry.
What? The quarry.
Good, the quarry.
The quarry.
Describe the quarry.
It's nice.
It's got a lot of rocks.
A lot of lowlifes.
Not lowlifes.
They're friends.
Well, they shouldn't be, Morgan.
No judging.
Okay, I just--I know him better than you, okay? Morgan, picture that you're in a beautiful ocean and you're going for a nice, calming swim.
Oh, look, it's-- Denise Richards comes up to you, and she's wearing a skimpy bikini.
What if she doesn't like my body? What if it's a hidden camera show? I have handles.
I have love handles.
Forget the beach.
Back to the quarry.
You're surrounded by rock formations that have existed since the dawn of time.
Pre-dawn of time.
There's no such thing as pre-dawn of time.
The night before the dawn of time.
The beginning is the beginning.
There's no before.
Just please stop it, okay? Now these rocks are gonna start to snuggle you, and you're starting to feel safe.
Hugged by rocks.
I feel safe.
Okay, now give me your hand.
We're gonna take a nice, smooth, cool stone.
I don't know-- the bonsai tree right there.
Give me a stone.
How was I supposed to glean that? We're gonna place the stone in your hand and say, "I'll always have the quarry with me.
" I'll always have the quarry with me.
So I can breathe.
Breathe Respira Respira Whoa.
Are you kidding me? He had it in his-- I mean, I got it.
Duncan, I'm okay, man.
Morgan, I'm gonna take you to the hospital Yeah.
So you can get looked at.
You can go to the hospital.
It's completely unnecessary.
He's fine.
He's fine.
Doc, real quick.
This man just saved my life and did the best magic I've ever seen.
So, if you want me to look the other way while you do him, I can wait.
You want to do that? Let's go.
Seven, reverse, skip, skip, blue, wild card, red, uno, what? Are you kidding me? I didn't even get to go.
L, these two cool guys spent the night together, just like we did.
Mindy, was your tryst with Morgan? What? No.
Guys, I tried to have a hook-up tonight, and it went horribly.
Maybe it'll be better next time.
I don't think so.
I tried for a guy that I don't respect.
Guess what, guys.
No sex, and now I respect him.
See, I told you you got attached.
Yes, Danny, you were right.
My only consolation is that you are here.
So it means that your evening went as badly as mine.
Damn it.
Eye patch, you look prettier now than you did before.
Thank you.
Out of curiosity, do the four of you know how terrible it smells in this doctors' lounge, or are you used to it? We're used to it.
Used to it.
I don't think it smells bad.
Jeremy Reed.
Pleasure to meet you, miss patch.
You know, your eye patch gets all the attention, but I think your nose is rather noteworthy.
Should you and Danny find your differences-- Okay, buddy, thanks.
Time to go.
So, I don't know, I just have this feeling like maybe you left and came here because you didn't really like our plans tonight.
I'm sorry.
I just think we're into different things, and Am I too old for you? I don't think so.
I like that you're 32.
Are you serious, dude? Yeah.
What? I'm just trying to figure out how many Olympics you've been around for.
Were you alive for Berlin? In 1936? Morgan! I'm sorry.
That just means he likes you.
Can you hold the door, please? Okay, this is massively awkward, so I am just going to start saying things.
Brendan, I was not able to have a casual hook-up with you.
That's fine.
In other countries, that is not embarrassing.
It is actually a virtue.
Maybe not for you and whatever weird commune that you were raised in, but I'm pretty sure that internationally I have the upper hand.
It is rude to not have snacks at your house when someone's coming over.
All right? Pretzels, chips, some soda-- how hard is that? And your guitar playing, while technically proficient, lacks depth.
There is a small knife at your house.
I brought it with me to stab you with it in case you tried to attack me.
It is hidden discreetly in a woman's glove.
I would hate for Duncan to hurt himself.
I did not however thank you for helping my friend.
So thank you.
You're welcome.
So good day to you.
We are going to have sex.
Just so you know.
Not now in an elevator.
Yeah, of course.
Your floor.
Yeah, okay.
Thank you.

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