The Mindy Project s01e13 Episode Script

Harry & Sally

So that's Orion, and there's the big dipper, and What the hell is that? Oh, that's Caprittarius.
That's not a constellation, Mindy.
Yeah, no, I made it up.
You can't just make up a constellation name.
Yeah, I got bored of following the kit, and I just thought that that would be kind of a Hang on.
What is this? Hey, you found brown bear.
Brown bear? Really? How'd he get his name? It's actually a really interesting story.
I'm I'm kidding.
He's a brown bear.
I know how he got his name.
Really? Brendan, I need a flat surface to write letters for correspondence.
Are you, uh Okay.
Writing to the president? Is this what we're doing? No, this This actually looks weird.
I eat popcorn out of this when my bowls are dirty.
Uh uh Do you want me to put it on? Nope, please don't.
Please don't do that.
So I'm sorry about all this, it's just I wasn't expecting you to come over.
You know what? I like it here.
- Really? - Yeah.
It's great.
Um, so my friend is having a cocktail party Oh, cool.
Tomorrow night.
Maybe we could go together.
I don't think so.
You don't wanna come? I don't, but it's not really that.
It's, I'm not 100% sold on the whole dating thing as a concept, and I was just thinking maybe we could just keep it simple, you know? Is that okay? Yeah.
Yeah, that's we should just keep it simple.
Well, good night.
I'm gonna make up for this with some snuggle.
I'm sorry.
Stay on the storage side.
Oh, my God.
Mindy, we have to We've talked about the knife.
You cannot have a knife under your pillow.
Brendan, it's in case there's a serial murderer.
You know how dangerous it is to have this there.
Brendan, do you know how dangerous it would be if I didn't have it? If you were a serial murderer right now, I could be like Danny, are you going to Colin's party tonight? Yeah, eye patch wants to go, but it's really annoying to me because I gotta put on pants and a shirt and shoes.
You're describing getting dressed.
Hey, guys.
Are you going to Colin's party tonight? Yeah, are you? Yeah, and why shouldn't I? No one said you shouldn't.
I didn't say you shouldn't.
I mean, I am not seriously attached to anybody.
I am young, I am single, I'm fun.
I'm a great doctor, good sense of style.
Why shouldn't I go to a party and just find out what my options are, you guys? You could just say you're going.
We don't need your declaration of personhood.
Yeah, I just I wanted you guys to know where I'm at.
Come to the party, Mindy.
Just don't cling to me.
I'm trying to put out a single vibe.
Yeah, that's fine, I'm going with my best friend from college, Maggie.
How many best friends from college do you have? A best friend isn't a person, Danny.
It's a tier.
It's a tier, Danny.
Whoa! Fancy party.
What is your friend, a drug dealer? No.
Hi, guys.
What's going on? Hey, guys, this is my friend Maggie.
She broke her femur.
- Ow, you just ran over my foot.
- Sorry about that.
Hey, I'm Jillian.
This is Danny.
Oh, my God.
Eye patch, you have two eyes.
I've always had two eyes.
This one was just healing.
It was under the patch.
Anyway, two eyes suits you.
Thank you.
You look amazing.
You really nailed cocktail casual.
Thank you so much.
I went shopping at, like, ten different places to find this.
That guy's got jeans on right there.
Lucky bastard.
Danny, that's a child.
- Mindy.
- Hi.
So good to see you.
How are you doing? How's it going? - Hey, guys.
- Hello.
Oh, hi.
Hello, I'm Maggie.
Uh, Jeremy.
Hey, listen, Jeremy, I'm feeling just a little overwhelmed in this group of people.
If you wouldn't mind just wheeling me - in that room for a second, just you and I.
- Of course.
- Do you mind? Thank you, Jillian.
- Here, no, not at all.
My anxiety's through the roof since the injury.
No, of course, please.
Ow, you got my foot again.
Oh, that was a Never happen again.
Just, like, maybe by the fire.
That's not a problem.
Sometimes my anxiety just really creeps up on me.
Not a problem.
This seems good.
So what's your deal? You having a good time, Mindy? There's no single guys at this party.
Well, I wish we were cool enough to have single friends, but we're mostly friends with other boring couples.
Okay, I'm onto you, all right? I know that when you say that you're a boring couple what you mean is that you are the luckiest and happiest couple ever.
No, it's not that great.
I mean, we climb into sweats and watch Netflix every night.
Uh, that's insufferable, and you two are a bunch of scumbags.
We watch pawn stars.
How do you know Mindy? Uh, Mindy, we We work together.
Work, work, that's that's all.
Um, here's what you need to know about me.
Uh, number one, I'm not normally in a wheelchair.
I broke my femur, uh, running dodgeball drills with my fifth graders, which brings me to two.
I am a physical educator in the New York public school system.
The last thing you need to know about me I'm heterosexual.
Yes, I know.
People sometimes think I'm gay.
- Do they? - Yeah! Weird.
But at the end of the day, there's only one thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.
Same thing that gets me in.
I'm talking about dudes.
Here you go.
Hey, hon.
Where did you get that sandwich? In the kitchen.
I made it myself.
The appetizers are so small here.
You guys talking about the seals? Oh, he always gets it wrong.
I mean, I think you think I work at Seaworld.
No, the aquarium.
Marine research lab.
Very close.
- I'm gonna go grab a drink.
- I got you a drink.
Oh, um, remember red wine gives me a little bit of a headache? Oh, I'll get you another one.
No, no, no, no.
You stay right here, you eat your sandwich, you look very happy.
So nice to talk to you.
See you guys soon.
Great to see you, Jillian.
Sorry about that.
Hey, Danny? I love your girlfriend.
She's awesome.
Yeah, she's all right.
No, she's not all right.
She's the best thing that ever happened to you.
I mean, I can't believe you're together, it's a miracle.
Your nice thing just took a weird turn.
You see how that happened? Yes, I'm sorry.
I just I got really excited for you.
I wanna talk, but I'm really hungry.
Oh, uh, I'm actually not a waiter.
This is my plate.
Oh, my God, that is mortifying.
I'm sorry.
No, it was more You just had so many of those two different kinds.
- I know, it's way more embarrassing for me.
- That's a lot.
I told you that something like this would happen one day.
Of course.
I'm Jamie.
We didn't eat before we came, so that's why I I'm Lucy.
And can you please offer her one of these since you have about a million of them? I-I got one, yeah.
I went a little overboard.
So how do you know Colin? I was a resident with him.
- Oh, wow.
- What do you two do? Well, Jamie is a Latin Professor at Nyu.
And Lucy is an assistant district attorney.
That's incredible.
Dark and stormy? Yeah, I'd love one.
- Okay.
- Thanks.
Sit down.
So you teach Latin, huh? Yeah.
Is that a popular class? Uh, not as popular as it was, like, Back then, even the dumb kids spoke Latin.
It was a great time to be a Latin teacher.
I guess it's hard to sell kids on learning a dead language.
Oh, we don't like to use the term "dead.
" We try to go with "pointless" or "waste of time," "useless.
" May I make a marketing suggestion? I would love it.
We need it.
You need to get them to make another Indiana Jones movie.
Those movies make Latin look so cool.
He's in a cave, he's reading a Latin inscription by torch.
You know, the Latin department doesn't have as much sway in Hollywood.
I think you're maybe thinking of the Hebrew department.
And that's offensive, by the way.
That is very edgy.
Yeah, a little bit.
Um, hey, I'd love to, uh, get your number, and maybe we could hang out some time.
Oh, um, that's really nice.
The thing is, I work a lot, and I'm single, so I should really be spending most of my time trying to, like, meet a guy and not making new friends.
You don't feel a-a spark here at all? What are you talking about? All right, don't make this that embarrassing for me.
I was trying to ask you out on a date.
What about your girlfriend? - Huh? - Oh, Lucy? Oh, no, Lucy is not my girlfriend.
Lucy is my best friend.
I-I guess I was confused.
Guess who's going out with me.
Really? I love that.
- I love that.
- Cool.
Hey, so that guy Jamie from last night asked me out.
Jamie from Lucy and Jamie? Yeah, get this.
They are not a couple.
Mindy, they're so obviously a couple.
- They're definitely a couple.
- Come on, they're adorable.
No, they're just best friends.
He told me in front of her.
Huh, I really liked them together.
Well, you can be friends with them individually.
Maybe it's one of those things where everyone sees it except them - like when Harry met Sally.
- Yes.
You hate that movie.
You call it when Doofus met Dummy.
It was very disrespectful.
No, he's Billy crystal, and she's Meg Ryan.
Well, then, who am I? - Bruno Kirby.
- Yep.
I'm not even Carrie fisher? Nope.
You're the lady that says, "I'll have what she's having.
" I'm Rob Reiner's mother? Yeah, I like this place.
It's kinda funky.
Danny, I wanted to, uh You know, I think that Whoo! That Mexican hot chocolate's got a real kick to it, huh? Yeah, you should have just ordered a coffee.
They should label that, don't you think? I mean, if you're gonna make it that spicy, it should be Danny, I asked you to meet up because Ooh, I got a brain freeze right now.
Oh, okay.
Spit that out.
- Um - Wow.
Yeah, we're both so busy that I think we forgot to realize that we're not enjoying this anymore.
Wait a minute.
Are you breaking up with me? Yes.
Oh, you No, I just didn't see that coming.
I mean, that's Okay.
Really? Wow, you gotta label this! You gotta I mean, come on, people.
You gotta label it.
At a Chinese place They put a pepper next to the item on the menu, and then you know it It's spicy.
Well, what happened, Danny? She just said it wasn't working, and I just got out of there.
What? You just left? Okay, what do you want me to do? You want me to make a scene? Yeah, make a big scene - Yes.
- If you wanna keep your girlfriend.
This is how they do this in the movies, okay? Big overtures.
Like in, um, pretty woman, or, um, say anything.
Oh, yeah.
Sleepless in Seattle.
Remember in goodfellas when Ray Liotta gives his wife that bloody gun? That was sweet.
That was very romantic, and that is exactly what he needed to do then.
Yeah, she's right.
One time, to get a girl back, I drove a motorcycle through a flaming hoop.
See? A flaming hoop? Yeah.
Who wouldn't marry a guy who owns his own flaming hoop? No, I borrowed the hoop from my friend.
So you guys are telling me - that I should do, like, a big - Yes.
Think how weird it is to be prince Harry.
Okay, you're rich, you're famous, you like to party, and then every now and then, you go too far and your parents are like, "you mustn't embarrass the throne of England.
" And you're like, "what? Is this my life? Is this a thing?" Wouldn't prince Harry's Instagram be so good? It would be amazing.
Can I ask you a question? Yeah.
Are guys just, like, obsessed with their abdominal muscles? It's like the headline of every man's magazine is how to make your abs great, but girls don't care.
Men's health is just about abs, right.
- Nothing is about, like - No girls have ever been, like - "Face today.
" - "I wish you had a flatter stomach" right? Well, I should hope not.
They're like, "I wish you made more money.
" "I wish you would open up about your feelings.
" You should be editor of a men's magazine.
Big, fat slobs I'd call it.
Who are paid well.
Sorry, just a work thing.
Yeah, sure.
So, um, I have to ask you this.
What is the deal with you and Lucy? I mean, you're so close.
Why don't you just - Date? - Yeah.
I get asked that a lot.
Lucy and I have known each other for 15 years.
If something was going to happen, it would have happened by now.
I don't wanna be that, like, Rando that Gerard Butler wastes his time with before he realizes that he's really in love with Kate Beckinsale.
Wait, what movie is that? Oh, it's not a movie.
I just think they would have great chemistry.
Yeah, they would because they can both do action too.
Yeah, duh, that's why I thought it was a great idea for a movie.
Well, I think you and I have the same taste in movies.
We have a bottle of wine for you.
It's a gift.
Whoa, thanks.
Who sent this? "Hey, you two.
"Have the bestest time.
Love Lucy.
" No.
How cool is Lucy? Kind of stalkerish.
Do you mind if I call her and tell her N uh, sure.
Hey, it's me.
We were just at the moment where it's like, "do we order more wine?" Tell her I "I don't wanna push it on" Tell her I said thank one cond.
Wait, what? No, we're not ordering dessert yet.
No, it's gonna be one of those things, I know.
I know it's gonna happen, it's gonna come, and I'll be like, "should we?" And she'll say, "just the check.
" And then I'll look like I was more into it.
Anyway What are you up to there? Hey, I'm just gonna go use the bathroom, okay? Hey, if you wanna send over dessert.
I'm just kidding, but, um, that was really, really classy of you, Lucy.
Really cool.
Well, well, well.
All right.
All right yourself.
Kombucha? The date with Jamie was going really well Until he got on the phone with Lucy the whole time.
It was super weird.
Why don't you rip that phone out of his hands and throw it across the room? I was not thinking rationally.
All right.
Also, what guy has a female best friend? Oh, he's gay.
No, he's not gay.
And who would be secretly gay in this day and age? It's like the golden era for coming out of the closet.
It's actually cooler to be gay.
You know, I'm gonna see how things go with Brendan.
I spent two nights with him this week.
That's awesome.
Plus, um, he keeps diet cokes in his fridge just for me.
Seriously? And he has a moral issue with aspartame.
Super nice.
- Yeah.
- Hi.
- Mindy? - Yeah? You're not gonna be happy about this.
Bathroom? Let's turn this whole operation around.
There she is.
Hey, Jillian.
Oh, my God.
Danny, what are you doing here? I came here today to say a lot of things, and and I'm not gonna say 'em.
I decided the best way to tell you is this.
How much for that sea dog? Is this.
What is he? It's a sea lion.
Is this.
- Oh, God.
Yep, yep, yep.
- Hold on one second, it's coming.
Oh! Jillian, I What are you doing? It's so loud! Jillian what? Start saying your I never appreciated what we had, Jillian.
And so I came here today to ask you for a second chance.
Stop playing this music! Ahh! It's Korn.
They played at your prom, right? No, they played torn.
Korn! Torn by Natalie Imbruglia.
Torn? Torn! Turn it off! Stop.
- Take take it off.
- Okay, that's one way to do it.
See, this is a perfect example of you not listening, Danny.
Why can't you just accept that this is over? Is this ending, and be honest, because of his incredibly busy schedule? I think it is.
I like that you're busy.
- Okay, is it because of how old he is? - What? No.
Is this because he's not interesting sexually? Stop.
I am interesting sexually, right? Honestly, Danny, it's because you're kind of a jerk.
Oh, yeah.
No, yeah.
You show no interest in my life, and there's only one right way to do things, apparently, and it's the Danny Castellano way.
Please go.
- Please.
- Okay.
Come on, let's go.
Let's get out of here.
Ma'am? How much for this flightless bird? Step away from the penguin.
Please leave.
Come on.
Hey, I'm gonna go stop those gangbangers from tipping over that claw machine.
No, no, no, no, no.
They're just teenagers.
Stop, stop, stop.
You don't know that.
Brendan? - Hey.
- Oh, my gosh.
Uh, Mindy, hi.
So good to see you.
Good to see you.
What a coincidence.
This is my friend, Maggie.
Maggie, this is, uh, Brendan, who I was talking to you about.
- White guy? - Yeah.
I've heard you're very talented.
Okay, that's that's Don't say that.
She said so much.
What movie are you seeing? You should sit with us.
- Yeah.
- Um, hi.
Um This is Zaw.
She's my friend.
She just moved here from Myanmar.
Zaw, huh? Is that What is that short for? Pizza? No.
She's a refugee.
Well, you know, war criminals sometimes come to this country, and then once they're here, they pretend to be refugees.
She's a legitimate refugee.
She was on Charlie rose.
Kermit the frog was on Charlie rose, so it's not really that hard to get on to Charlie rose.
Mindy and I work together in the same building.
That is well put.
Well, I'm simplifying.
Her English is limited.
Okay, nachos, non-butter popcorn, butter popcorn Yep, yep, okay.
Two hot dogs All right.
M&ms, regular peanut butter Yeah, hey, kid, we get it It's an enormous amount of food.
Ever seen so much food in your life, Zaw? It's called America.
You should look it up.
She's still acclimating to the consumer culture, so were just gonna split a bottle of water.
Cherry ripple sticks.
We should get our seats for proper 3-d viewing.
Nice to meet you.
Uh, ma'am, sorry, but we're out of pizza blasters.
Thank you.
Psst! Psst! What are you doing? Okay, why are you throwing twizzlers at my head? Because Maggie wouldn't let me throw nachos at you.
Brendan, I don't understand this, okay? I was at your place last night and we were doing it.
And then today, I find you in the movie theater making out with some random girl, when, by the way, there are children in there.
Yeah, it's an all-ages film, okay? And by the way, what I do in that movie theater is not your concern.
- Okay, I'm - Sir? Miss? If you're gonna be leaving the theater, could you return your 3-d glasses, please? I'm not leaving.
I'm not leaving.
Brendan, how can you be intimate with so many different people? You're confusing intimacy with sex.
What is more intimate than having sex with somebody? Couples meditation, group Reiki, a great hike at sunset.
Oh, that's gross, and it's lame.
Every day this theater loses 10% of our 3-d glasses, which makes it impossible for the other guests to enjoy the same quality of 3-d experience as you.
Hey, kid, I'm sorry.
You gotta cool it about the glasses, okay? We're in the middle of an adult kind of situ You know what, don't take this out on him.
He's just trying to do his job.
Oh, I'm sorry, patron Saint of movie ushers and hot refugee women.
Brendan, are you dating her? Listen, this is not your concern.
Maybe this is our first date.
Maybe I'll never see her again.
Maybe we'll get married.
Maybe I'll sleep with your brother.
What? No.
I'm sorry.
That was awful.
That is, by the way, something that you would do.
Sleep with my No, I mean, you would do something comparably immoral is what I was trying to say.
Listen to me, Mindy.
I am sorry if I have done something to upset you, okay? And I am sorry if I've done anything to make you think that I am your boyfriend, but I am not.
Don't worry about getting tears in the glasses.
We sanitize them weekly.
The worst part is, Maggie, I don't think I'll ever be able to see another 3-d movie.
Hey, whatever happened with that guy you were hooking up with without any feelings or emotions or No, no, that was the guy.
I thought you I know, you dummy.
Ow! - Why'd you get so attached to him? - Don't hit me! Stop it! You cannot do that to me.
I have a broken femur.
I'm fragile.
I just I liked him.
I really liked him.
Oh, was it because he worked upstairs from you, or was it because he had a bad personality? You're just filling dead space.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Oh, God, and I totally blew it with that guy Jamie.
He's never going to give me a second chance.
No, just, like, do one of your grand gestures.
Like what? Maybe an inside joke.
My leg is vibrating.
- Hello.
- Hello.
My phone.
Your phone.
Oh, my God.
Wait, is is my case in there? Hmm, that's a goner.
Let me see if I can Oh, God.
Yeah, that's a goner.
Amo, amas, amat Amamus, amates, amant See how they Mindy? Oh, God.
Salve, Jamie.
Salve means "hello" in Latin.
I looked that up online.
What are you doing here? I'm with students right now.
I know that, but on your website, it says that office hours are open to anyone.
Why are you dressed like Indiana Jones? Indiana Jones? I think you mean Mindy-Ana Jones.
Ow! God! Are you all right? I just I whipped my ear.
Is it can you Can you look? Is it bleeding? Or is it just reddish? Do any of you guys have any, like, neosporin? Professor, should I call campus security? Not yet, Ashley.
Let's see how this plays out.
I'm sorry.
You find me a threat? At would you even tell them? "There's a sexy Indian woman with whip and a hat.
" He'd be like, "yeah, that sounds like paradise.
" With all due respect, I think that Ashley has a little bit of a crush on someone.
Jamie, can I Yeah, one second.
I am so I am so sorry, okay? Just, I think I got a little insecure about, like, the whole Lucy thing.
Well, it wouldn't be the first time that that kind of weirded out a potential relationship.
Why don't you give me another shot? What do you say? Yeah, of course.
- Really? - Yeah.
No, don't make a big deal about it.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'm okay, I got my students here.
Guess who's Indiana Jones now? A little more dramatic than we need it to be.
Um, but I'm But I'm happy, and I'm looking forward to it.
It sounds fun.
I'll give you a call? I'll see you in the temple of doom.
That's what I call my apartment.
We can just meet You wanna do the thing? No.
Who was that? Don't worry about it.
Cute, right? Go to bed.

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