The Mindy Project s01e14 Episode Script

Harry & Mindy

The empire state building on Valentine's day, the most romantic building in the world on the most romantic day of the year.
So many memorable romances have played out here.
Deborah Kerr and Cary Grant in an affair to remember.
"Give me a smooch, right on the mug, see?" I do a pretty spot-on Cary Grant.
And of course, the second-best romantic comedy that Meg Ryan and tom Hanks ever made: Sleepless in Seattle.
Every couple weeks, I buy a ticket and hang out in the lobby of the empire state building to see if I will meet my one true love.
Captain, she's back.
So you come here regularly to monitor the base of the building.
I'm here to meet that special someone, and when I do, we're gonna go to the top, and then, boom! Fireworks.
And who is that person? I haven't met him yet, but I can tell when I find him, we're going to spend eternity together.
Could you describe him? All right, well, he's in his mid-30s.
He is tall, dark, intense, mysterious You understand why what you're telling us would cause us serious concern.
I can't help it, you know, even though it's dangerous, because I am a true believer.
Hey, we're gonna need Miller from homeland security.
Homeland security? That's a cool show.
Why do you have a bag with a passport and three cell phones? Okay, well, this is for the Internet, this is for texting, and this flip phone is because I do not know how to transfer my old contacts.
You know, we've been spending so much time talking about me that I haven't asked you anything.
- What are you into? - Protecting this building.
Ooh, I love that.
It's so old-fashioned.
You have great facial hair.
I love a guy with a beard.
Can I touch it? Hands on the table, please.
Hey, it's cool if you're into me.
Kevin Garnett once bought me a coke at a P.
You're not helping yourself.
I'm just saying I don't see a wedding ring.
Is there a Mrs.
confederated security solutions? Oh, my God.
You could've just said yes! Dr.
Lahiri, there's something wrong with Dr.
He might be dead.
What? There's definitely a smell.
Danny oh, my God.
Holy crap! What the hell? Yep? Danny, get up.
Are you kidding me? Okay, I'm up.
Put some pants on.
I can see the outline of your penis.
I know that eye patch dumped you, but you can't just spend the night in your office, drunk, playing weird Bruce Springsteen songs on your tiny piano.
Stop that.
What's oh, God.
I stood up too quick.
This is awful.
What's the matter with you? Your voice is too loud.
This isn't me.
It's you.
Okay, that is not me.
When I lay on the floor, it's adorable, and it is tragic.
When you lay on the floor, you look like an upside-down ladybug.
My God, am I the only person not crawling about on the floor today? You guys, I dropped a Mike and Ike on the floor.
I need all eyes on this.
Danny, you're a grown-up.
Get up.
You're right.
I'm gonna get myself together.
I'm gonna pull it together.
I'm gonna meet another girl.
It's gonna be good.
I have found that when I am heartbroken, it is actually best to throw myself into work.
Which is why, on Thursday, I am going to do you the favor of giving you all of my patients for the whole night.
Mindy, it's fine.
I'll look after your patients on Thursday.
You enjoy your Valentine's day.
Oh, is Thursday Valentine's day? Yes.
I-I hadn't remembered.
Wait, how come you, of all people, don't have plans on Valentine's day? Well, as a man who's looking to avoid a committed relationship, Valentine's day can be something of a minefield.
"Oh, a dozen roses.
You must really like me.
" "Hey, do you want to share a dessert?" "Oh, that means you must want to meet my parents, who live in Minneapolis.
" It's an emotional Bosnia.
Think I'll sit it out, thanks.
Well, great.
Then I can have Valentine's day with Jamie.
As in Jamie and Lucy? Now, there's a great couple.
Nope, not as in Jamie and Lucy.
As in Jamie and Mindy.
But aren't you worried about the incredible chemistry they seem to have? They don't have good chemistry.
I have good chemistry with Jamie.
I'm really lonely.
Moma was such a fun idea, Mindy.
I love modern art museums.
I feel like they're less intimidating 'cause I think I could do the art.
Oh, you know what? Your sticker is coming off.
Oh, actually, leave it.
I like people to know that I had a more cultural day than they did.
Oh, it's like the artsy version of "I voted.
" Oh, yes, I have a ski lift ticket on my parka from two years ago.
When you teach Latin for a living, it helps to look like a huge jock sometimes.
Hey, you guys.
Sorry I'm late.
No, not at all.
It turns out the defendant's gang had a copy of my home address, became a thing.
What? - What? - Oh, my God.
They always threaten me.
Nothing ever pans out.
Can you believe what this girl deals with? No.
Every day, she looks murderers in the eye and puts them in prison for the rest of their lives.
- Wow.
- So important.
I mean, speaking of stressful situations, I delivered a baby last night.
He did not want to be born.
He was really mad at me.
I'm glad he didn't have my home address.
That's really funny.
Hey, seriously, though, you know, if you ever fear for your safety, you still have a key.
If you ever want to stay at my place, you know you can, right? Well, I would rather take on the Sinaloa cartel than deal with the water pressure in this guy's shower.
It's not that bad.
It's not that bad.
You're so great.
You should have a boyfriend.
I would love to meet a cool guy, except all the guys I meet are either 19-year-old murderers or 80-year-old judges.
You know what, I think I'm gonna find you someone.
No, I really wouldn't try.
Yeah, great.
This girl is the pickiest dater I have ever met in my life.
No, no, I'm actually a very good matchmaker.
Well, I wish you luck, but no one's ever good enough for this girl.
So I wouldn't even try.
So Mindy at the museum Ah, Danny.
Tear up that suicide note.
I have great news.
Okay, that wasn't a suicide note.
I was contesting a jaywalking ticket.
I am sorry about that.
Danny, I am going to set you up on a date.
This morning you said I should throw myself back into work.
That was, like, six hours ago, okay? That's an entire lifetime for some bugs.
You're gonna love this girl.
She is pretty.
She is smart.
She owns a motor scooter.
It's Lucy.
Lucy of Jamie and Lucy? They broke up? I am dating Jamie of Jamie and Mindy.
We kissed mouths, Danny.
Okay, I don't know.
I just I don't know if I'm ready.
Well, you would also be doing me a huge favor.
If you spend time with Lucy, then Jamie won't spend as much time with her.
Also, this is a big deal.
I am setting you up with someone.
You never set me up with anybody.
That's not true.
I hooked you up with Reynaldo.
Your garbage man? Yeah.
He was smokin' hot, but he was a little pretentious.
A little bit too well read, if I may say that.
Danny, please do this for me.
Can I think about it? Danny! You are so selfish! I don't care if you're depressed! Just help me out for once! Okay, stop All right.
I am gonna die alone unless you do this for me.
Stop hitting me.
I'll go on one date with her, okay? Are you serious? One.
Oh, my God, Danny, thank you.
Thank you.
When everyone's mean about you, I defend you most of the time.
Okay, I'm good on the hug, though.
To show my gratitude for this kindness, we can choose any city of real housewives to watch.
Deborah, do you like working in the morgue? Well, I don't get a lot of patient complaints.
It's funny that you work in the morgue because my name is morg-an.
Please wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Uh, Dr.
Did you see me hit on that girl? Unfortunately, I did, yes.
I've had my eye on her for a while.
I'm gonna take her to the batting cages, if you know what I mean.
Well, let me know how that doesn't work out.
Okay, here's my plan.
I am going to put these in the ladies' room in all the stalls.
"Me with out go" No, no, read it up Oh.
"Will you go out with me?" And then she'll be like, "what? Yes.
" Morgan, what if somebody uses the bathroom before her? Yep, not a good idea.
Plan "B.
" Surprise her in her car tonight.
That's a felony.
Not on Valentine's day.
Doesn't matter what the holiday is.
Check the laws in this country.
I'm not even sure about that.
Morgan, wait.
- Maybe I could help you.
- Really? Oh, God, that would be so good.
Coming, I'm coming.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Why are you so early? - Ten minutes? - Yeah.
You're ten minutes early, Danny, which is worse than two hours late.
Those last ten minutes, that's when I go from "whoa" to "damn.
" Wait a minute.
Why did I have to come here first, anyways? Well, you are going on a date with my friend.
And I wanted to make sure that you didn't look weird.
You had, like, a mustache or something.
How would I grow a mustache since this morning? I don't know.
I'm not Italian.
Also, it's good when I'm getting pretty for there to be a guy here, so he can be like, "hurry up! We're gonna be late!" What? Why are you looking at me? Are you sure you want to wear that? It being on me implies that I want to wear it.
I like it.
A whole room that's a closet? You could make this into a little gym, hang a heavy bag there.
Yeah, Danny, that's what I want.
I want a bag full of sand to punch instead of all my clothes.
Okay, what about this one? You like that? You want me to wear a little black dress, push-up bra, high heels.
Boring, sexy, anonymous girl.
Sexy's not boring.
You got any food? Cold cuts? No, but I think I have some pizza from election night.
I think this date's gonna be fun.
Let's take a shot.
You look nice.
- Thanks.
- To True love.
Sex with new people.
Hey, guys.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Lucy, you remember Danny.
Danny, Lucy.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
Oh, man.
What? That's a king salmon over there.
So? Jillian studied the migration of that fish.
That fish goes from salt water No.
Stop it.
To fresh water.
It's an amazing fish.
They do it to mate.
Nobody cares.
To mate.
Danny, nobody cares.
- Hey.
- Hey, guys? Is everything okay? Really good.
Would you mind switching seats with me? Because that fish is in my eye line, just putting me in a A bad place emotionally right now.
The fish? That one, yeah.
Yeah? Yeah, sure.
It's your eye line.
Do you mind? Okay, great.
Wouldn't want to look at something I didn't like.
Oh, yeah, thank you.
That's much better.
So can I ask what exactly your problem is with sea life? Oh, it's just, my ex was an oceanographer.
It's stupid.
Yeah, it is stupid.
Hey, look at this bread selection.
There's white bread.
There's the brown bread.
Just if I keep myself from seeing triggers, then, you know, I don't fixate on her Ow! Did somebody just kick me? You okay? Ow! Yeah, that is so weird.
I think that maybe we should move tables, or we could try not talking about exes and see if the kicking stops.
You know what, though? I have found that the hardest breakups are the ones where you might have underestimated the person while you were with them, I don't know if Yes.
That's exactly what I'm going through.
- Really? - Yes.
It it's like you're I know, it's so weird.
That's exactly what is going on with me and Jillian.
No way.
Well, it was me, really.
I just Tell me about that.
- Uh, Jamie? - Yeah.
I don't want to jinx this, but I think match-dot-Mindy might have another success story.
You know, you can have a friendship, maybe.
Yeah? So, Morgan, you want to take this girl to the batting cages.
I'm still not sure what those are.
Three-pronged attack, Morgan.
Number one, casual approach.
Watch me, watch me, watch me.
What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? I don't know what you're gonna Now.
Wow, okay, you look like Joe Biden.
That is awesome.
Number two, initiate some light physical contact.
- Okay.
- Oh, red.
Nice color.
Oh, yeah.
It's Valentine's day, and it hides the blood.
That's disgusting.
Number three.
Offer her something small.
A token of sorts.
It establishes a debt.
Got a free cola from the vending machine.
Oh, I've actually been staring at that thing all morning.
Thanks, doc.
I owe you one.
Oh! It's a Part of the routine.
- There it is.
- Okay.
It's the debt.
I got it.
You just give her whatever you have on you.
Why not? All right.
So I'll be like, "hey, this is for you.
" Where's the body? I just found the head in the toilet.
Oh, God.
You never know a love song until you have a broken heart, right? Mm, yes.
And finally you realize that all of these songs that you thought were so happy-sounding are actually so sad.
Like you can call me Al.
"Where is my wife and family? What if I die here?" Who'll be my role model now that my once my Role model's gone? Man, I gotta download that album again.
It's a great one.
I think they really like each other.
Well, they like Paul Simon.
So does everyone else on the planet.
No, it's like we're not even here.
Hey, guys.
Hey, there's four of us here.
So let's try to Oh.
Oh, it's okay.
Danny was just helping me figure out where I should get my first tattoo.
Um, you hate tattoos.
I don't think so.
I think I'm gonna get a tattoo as we.
A little butterfly on the nape of my neck, and it would signify that I'm a free spirit What tattoo are you gonna get? Well, I think I should keep it a secret, because where I want to get it, only certain people would see it.
I-I don't know, Luce.
I worry that a tattoo is a little short-sighted.
You know? Mmm.
Can I try that? Is your grandson really gonna understand why you have a radiohead lyric under your belly button? I can't understand radiohead now.
Mmm! Do you wanna have some of my COD? I'm fine.
I just had some.
Wow, that lamb is so, mmm, succulent.
It is succulent.
You are such a good orderer.
Thank you.
Pick a good restaurant, and they say, you know, the food orders itself, so Mmm, try this.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Lucy! - Your cold.
- Hmm? She had this horrible cold last week.
I'm good with it.
I'll take it.
You might get something.
I'm not sick.
Do you want some of my COD? I don't get sick that often.
I don't have a cold.
- You don't? - No.
Eat off my fork.
It's romantic.
I don't need it.
I'm not hungry.
Eat off my fork, please.
Isn't that good? You all right, buddy? It was just a little piece of COD.
I'm so sorry.
It's got bones in it.
That's why.
Hey, Jamie? Are you good? You choking, buddy? They're doctors.
You should just Okay? You sure? I'm gonna It has bones in it.
I can Heimlich.
I know.
Please let me Heimlich you.
I'm not gonna let you die in this weird restaurant, Jamie.
Should we get dessert? I think he's choking.
No, he's okay.
Jamie, stop! Jamie! - Oh.
- Oh, boy.
Jamie, please stop doing that! Hey, guys, don't worry about it.
She's a doctor.
She's got it.
I just don't understand why, in 2013, restaurants have any bones in their fish.
And while I appreciate the gift certificate as a gesture, I did think the manager was passive-aggressive, the way that he gave it.
You remember that? Hey, you know what? I think I'm gonna call it a night, Jamie.
You almost died.
My shoes are pinching me.
- So - No.
We're gonna continue this date.
I am gonna take you to the most romantic place in all of New York City.
And possibly the world.
Keep moving, guys.
Please, keep the line moving.
Jamie, I cannot believe you took me to the empire state building for Valentine's day.
Last year, the guy I was with, he took me to an Indian casino, and I lost $2,000.
Well, this is actually something I've always wanted to do.
And I figured I'd come with the perfect person on the perfect night.
Next, please.
Wait, wait.
Um, before we go into the most romantic building on the entire planet Yeah.
Can you just tell me one thing? Yeah.
Just you're not in love with Lucy, are you? Next, please.
Why do you keep saying things like that? It just seems like you were really jealous of her and Danny at dinner.
Okay, I'm not jealous of a guy who wears boot cut jeans, all right? See? That sounds jealous.
Lucy is my best friend.
And if I love her, it's the way I would love a sister.
I have a brother, and if rishi looked at me that way, I would have to talk to our dad.
Next, next! Let's go, lady.
Come on.
Okay, we're trying to sort something out right now.
All right? Can you just give me a break here? Just look into your lover's eyes.
It's Valentine's day, for God's sake.
Come on.
Quick scenario, okay? You are on death row because you murdered a cop.
What? This is hypothetical.
You can only see one more person before they electrocute you.
Who would it be? My lawyer because I wouldn't do something like that.
Okay, your lawyer bungled the case, and you have one person to see before you die.
You can say me if it's me.
It's Lucy.
I knew it.
You're good at this.
It's Lucy! I'm in love with Lucy! No, no, no, it's okay.
Don't I'm not Lucy.
No, I mean, it's not It's not, like, traumatizing.
It's okay.
It's not It's just I'm okay with it.
Okay, folks.
Come on, let's go.
I'm a man in love! Oh, my God! Jamie! This has not been a good day for you.
Okay, all right.
That's it, Morgan.
Casual approach.
Okay, good.
Now some light contact.
What are you doing? Morgan, human touching, not dog touching.
Good good Good recovery, I guess.
Now parting gift, parting gift.
Come on, Morgan.
Come on.
Oh, he found the body.
She's into it.
Who knew? Okay.
I it worked! Bravo, Morgan! Bravo.
Hey, man, I'm working here.
You finally came for me, love! Okay, shh.
You finally called my name! Shh.
Come on, come on.
You're gonna wake up my neighbors.
I can't believe this is all because of you.
You showed me that love was right in front of my face.
All right, that's so great.
I never thought I would feel this way, Mindy.
We can just walk.
It is great.
And not dance and stuff.
I've never done anything like this.
The whole time.
Disgusting, water on my It's all because of you.
You are such an important character in the story of Lucy and me.
Don't you realize that? Yeah.
You're fate's helper.
I'm like the Joan Cusack character in the romantic comedy of your life, yeah.
Yes! I can't believe it.
Can you believe this is me? People are gonna think you're on drugs.
I'm in love! Stop it, Jamie.
I'm flying.
Oh, my God.
Hey! What the hell, you guys? Hey, what's going on, love birds? Actually, we kind of broke up.
And, for the record, there is no kissing on my stoop.
That is a direct quote from my super.
Okay, well, I left my gloves at your place.
So I just came here to pick them up.
Did you think you would find them inside of her mouth? You're making out with this guy? This guy, they ask if he wanted a cocktail, and he ordered shrimp? Why are you yelling? Because I love you! Really? Okay, wait a minute.
I love you too! Whoa, whoa, guys, we were just kissing a second ago.
All right, I'm gonna call it a night and head in.
Pardon me.
God, I've been dreaming about this for 15 years! Okay, can I what made you change your mind? Can I squeeze by here? My life flashed before my eyes when I was choking.
Just it suddenly dawned on me.
Excuse me.
Not to be a stickler, but I-I was the person who helped make it dawn on you.
Mindy helped.
She was like a supporting character.
Oh, thank you! Let's take a walk.
Let's just get outta here.
That's the weirdest thing I've ever seen.
You know, I feel like if I had just worn the first dress, that this wouldn't have been the situation.
I don't think that's the problem.
Hey, Dr.
I'm gonna go pick up three or four calzones and crawl into bed.
Who am I kidding? It's gonna be four.
What happened? Did you strike out? Ha.
My first sports analogy.
I had her right where I wanted her.
And then, bam! She dumps me literally the second we're finished having sex.
Whoa, whoa, wait.
What sex? I did everything you told me.
I was playing it cool.
She pulls me into a supply closet.
We start having sex in front of a bunch of mops.
You got exactly what you wanted.
I wanted to take her to the batting cages.
I mean, you got the good stuff without the boring stuff.
Home run.
Did it again.
The batting cages is the good stuff.
I don't want to have sex with someone I care about in a mop closet.
I want to do it the right way.
On the couch, in the living room, after grandmother's asleep.
Morgan, I'm so sorry.
I need to make this up to you.
I feel like I've led you astray.
A stray? Where is he? We're gonna find him.
How'd he get in the building? Another one, another one.
You gotta choke up.
Don't get tired.
You can't quit.
We don't quit in America.
Check on that, Morgan.
Show me how you did that weird swing.
I want to try that.
That's pretty bad-ass.
You got, like, a Michael Caine, Gary Sheffield Oh! Oh, God! Right in the car keys.
Oh! Oh, ho, ho! Oh! Danny, I was this close to spending Valentine's day at the empire state building.
To put that in you terms, that's like losing your virginity at Yankee stadium.
See, that's your problem.
Yeah, no, that's what I'm doing, Danny.
I'm describing my problem.
Who told you the empire state building was romantic? A postcard at the airport gift shop? Some dumb movie with tom Hanks where he's hugging in the rain and there's no umbrellas? You know what? Come here.
I want to show you something.
This is it.
Oh, cool.
Your favorite pizza place.
Yeah, Danny, this does cheer me up.
Okay, I'm ready to go.
No, no, no.
I want to show you something.
Sit down.
Sal, can we get two slices? You got it.
This, like, a setting from goodfellas or something? No, this is where I met my wife.
- What? - Yep.
Here? Yeah.
Check this out.
I wanna show you this.
Danny, you little felon.
That's awesome.
Her name was Christina? Yep.
Were you ever like "Eh, Christina, I love you so much-a.
" Yeah.
I think I still really miss her.
Well, now you can What are you doing? Why do you need to take a picture of everything? So that you always remember it and you never forget.
Stop it.
I want to show Morgan.
No, don't We can tell him about it, okay? Look, look, the most romantic place in the world, you don't know it's gonna be romantic ahead of time.
Like, for you, it could be anywhere.
Like a barbershop or an ATM shelter or h&r block.
Danny, I'm pretty sure it's gonna be the empire state building, but those are very cute suggestions.
By the way, eye patch was wrong about you.
You're not mean.
She just didn't know you well enough.
There you go, Danny.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
Hey, how the How is the pizza here? Worst pizza in the city.
Happy Valentine's day.
Happy Valentine's day.
Just want to take only the crust.
The crust is my favorite part.
You're so weird.
Go to bed.

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