The Mindy Project s01e24 Episode Script

Take Me With You

Okay, I don't know that I will be that good at doing sex on the computer.
No, you'll be fine.
Look, Mindy, this is all we've got when I'm over in Haiti, all right? I will not be able to last with that little picture on your business card.
- Just not gonna happen.
- You got it.
Show me what to do.
You know that I will, girl.
All right, why don't you pop open that shirt and show me them ca-ans! Stop the voice? Don't do the voice? Well, cans? I'm sorry.
Just, can I see your breasts ma'am? Babe, you know it.
I'm gonna just unbutton this, and you're gonna see both of my honkers in no time at all.
Let the dogs out.
Mmm, is that what you wanted? Babe, you like your boobs between an "A" and a "B"? Yeah, like, indecisive boobs are, like, my thing now, you know.
Not quite a "B" cup, too big for an "A.
" A-a-a-a-a Trying to be a B, trying to be a B Trying to be a B Oh, man, you froze.
Casey? How do Casey Oh, God! Oh, my God! Oh! This is not for you.
No, no, no, no, look, I'm the only person in this business center at this hotel.
Stop, stop, stop this.
No one will know.
Hey, babe, that was the most traumatizing thing - that's ever happened to me in my entire life.
- I know.
I know.
I can't have a relationship with my computer for a year.
I won't do it.
I know.
Casey, I'm gonna miss you too much.
Who's going to yell at me when I leave my cell phone in the back of the cab? Or who's going to roll me over when I'm snoring so I don't asphyxiate? Yeah.
I don't know, I should just, like, go to Haiti with you.
You should.
You should come to Haiti with me.
They need doctors.
It's one year.
- That's it.
- Um, no.
I mean, I-I can't.
I can't actually do that.
Oh, I'm sorry, that's right.
You're too level-headed to make any kind of reckless romantic decision.
I was just listening to my heart.
Hey, heart, can you stop talking and just keep pumping blood? That's your job.
You don't have to yell at your heart so much.
No, he's so stupid.
Well Why don't I go? - Yes.
- Right? - Why don't you go? - I have money saved up.
You've got money saved up! It's just a year.
One year.
We care about each other a lot.
- We almost love each other.
- We almost love each other.
We've got the "L," the "O," the "V.
" Can I buy a vowel, babe? I should go.
- You're going.
You're going? - I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna go with you.
- Yeah.
- Oh, baby! Dr.
L, I can hear but I can't see.
I'd like to see, please.
Haskell, we were so excited when Dr.
Reed asked us to assist in your delivery.
In all of our careers, we have never delivered triplets.
Not what I would lead with.
Now, this is going to be a rather unusual delivery, so we do want to take extra precautions.
That's why we've decided to work together as a team, Carol One physician assigned to each baby.
But rest assured that I will do everything in my power to make sure that my triplet is the best.
But I don't want one of them to be the best.
Yes, of course.
Well Mindy, I need you to stop.
Danny, Christina's gonna love that I took you shopping here.
This place is like an insane asylum for adolescent girls.
Now, let me ask you, is she more owl or field mouse? Huh? What is her essence? I don't know.
I mean, I'm just look, I'm trying to make her feel more comfortable, okay? I'm even taking her camping this weekend.
You're going camping? Yeah.
City Guy? No, I'm I "Get that deer away from me!" - Okay, I love deer, and I love - Oh, my God.
What? Danny, this is eerie.
This is why I believe in mysticism.
Christina and Danny.
Of all the letters in the alphabet, they had these two right in front of me.
- There's an "R" and an "M" right there.
- Ehh! And if it doesn't work out Danny Castellano.
I mean Thank you.
Wait a minute, you don't think things are gonna work out? No, I'm not saying that.
It's just, two months ago, if anyone had even said the name "Christina," you would shatter whatever object you were holding.
I get it, it's sudden, okay? But you're about to move to a third-world country with your boyfriend.
Brad pitt and Angelina jolie do that, like, every week.
You called 911 when a butterfly got into your apartment.
I thought it was a colorful bat.
Okay, I guess this by the owl pillow Ahem! Ahem! Ahem! Oh, crap! "Mindy pool"? What is Mindy pool? I think they're betting on how long you'll last in Haiti.
What? Tamra, one day? A single day you thought I would last in Haiti? I was just price-is-righting it.
That's how my cousin sheena won her jet-ski.
One time, she let me ride it in her driveway.
That is enough.
I would normally love that anecdote, - and now I hate it.
- What happens when you're kidnapped? Okay, you would never make it as a sex slave.
You're too ticklish.
My God, look at this.
- See? Ow.
- Stop it! I would be a fantastic sex slave.
You're too High-maintenance.
In Haiti, you're not gonna be able to have your Jimmy Choos and your Wally Wongs and what have yous.
You are underestimating me, my friend.
I'm a lot tougher than you think, - and I can make it in Haiti.
- Okay.
You still going camping with Christina? Yes.
Why? A camping trip with no running water or bathrooms or electricity.
What are we ramping up to here? What we're ramping up to is that I'm coming camping with you.
You are not, 'cause you're not invited.
- I am invited, and I'm going.
- You're not.
You can pick me and Casey up at 9:00.
Please pick us up.
I will email you my preferred breakfast sandwich.
I will see you at 11:00! Okay.
Okay, what happens if a voodoo priest casts a spell on you? - Have you even thought about that? - Morgan, that is racist.
Voodoo's all make-believe.
Actually, the cultural practice of voodoo is very real.
History of voodoo.
Are you kidding me? I am so the kind of person that a gypsy gets a vendetta against.
You know, Mindy, voodoo isn't just curses.
I mean, who knows, maybe Casey will be possessed by a virility deity, and he'll give you the best sex of your life.
Oh, yeah! Yeah, Christina! Okay All right, stop.
Stop! I'm not actually worried about anything 'cause, guys, I have my Haiti survival kit right here.
That looks like a bunch of shampoo.
I mean, there's other hair stuff in here too.
I mean, honestly, I think you should just cut your hair short, you know? What? For Haiti? Yeah, I wouldn't do that if I was you.
I'm not gonna cut my hair short.
Dudes hate that.
What dudes? I'm the dude.
I'm your dude.
Whenever I'm in the field, I keep mine short.
It's better for the heat, and people don't sexualize you.
Uh, who doesn't want to be sexualized? Whoa! Oh, Danny, Danny! Relax, man! Country roads So as he lay in bed, the scratching got louder and louder.
- Ow.
- What? Stop digging your fingernails into my leg.
I'm not digging my fingernails anywhere.
I'm not I'm not scared.
I'm just, like I don't know, I love scary stories.
I like funny scary stories.
So all of a sudden, he hears the knocks, and he opens the door, expecting his fiancée.
And then, at that moment, he realized that the knocks were actually coming From inside! This is such a stupid story.
Like, why is he knocking? Dr.
C, you were, like, "oh, God, I'm so scared.
- Oh, oh, oh.
" - No, the log is not stable.
"Oh, my God, I'm so scared, I can't take it!" It was scary! "Casey, hold me, please, I'm so scared.
" That's not an accurate impression.
Morgan, Morgan, Morgan, Morgan, Morgan - You're on fire right now.
- I know I am.
No, no, Morgan, you're on fire.
Your back's on fire! - Stand up.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa! Morgan, you're on fire! Oh, God, oh, God, Morgan Morgan, I got you! Morgan, hurry up - Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! - You're okay, you're okay, Morgan! You're okay! - Wow.
Oh, God.
- Mindy, that was amazing! It's okay.
You're fine, you're fine.
Too bad she went in first.
I was just I'm still flummoxed from the log I fell off it.
I was kinda brave today, I think.
Today? Holy cow.
- I'm so glad we went camping.
- Me too.
Good night.
My little camper.
What's cool about this trip is I knew I was a good person, but I didn't know I was insanely courageous.
Oh, my God, Casey? - What? What? - Some of the food in your flossing just landed in my eye.
Oh, baby, I'm sorry.
Oh, my God.
Can you look? You just got caught in the floss-fire.
What do you see? Oh, my God.
You got, like, a corn kernel or something from the burritos.
Okay, just touch it.
I got it.
I got it.
Oh, God, that was horri What, you see anything? No.
I feel like I feel like I got one.
No, there's nothing there.
I think this should be the last tick check until we get home, okay? Have we had a lot? Well Okay.
I'm sorry.
I'm not, like, grizzly man or anything.
Well, thank you for trying.
I mean I I saved you from the snake and everything.
- That was - Mm Do you think it would be fun if we If we camped out full-time? In my apartment.
Yeah? Yes.
Dr C.
C, it's Morgan, from work.
Yeah, I know, Morgan.
What? Can I jump in there with you guys? I'm a little lonely.
A little crowded in here.
Good night.
Good night.
- Mrs.
C - Oh, God! Are you reading, like, a joke book or something? Why are you laughing so much? Oh, it's David Sedaris.
I bought it for my sister, but there's no way she's gonna get it.
You're blinding me.
Can you Can you just turn off your spelunker? Yeah, sorry.
I thought you were gonna give me a High five.
Are you gonna keep reading that, or do you think you'll go to sleep now? I can't really read without my light, but I guess I'll go to sleep.
You know, actually, I'm glad we are talking about this.
So, when we're in Haiti, how much of the time is gonna be spent in the tent, do you think? Like half the time.
Like night time.
For sleeping and stuff.
So you and me in a tent this size for an entire year? Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry.
The tent's way smaller.
Than this? It's gonna be great.
I mean, you're lucky that we vibe so well, you know? Or else I'd be, like, rrrrrrr! Yeah, I'd just be, like, rrrrr! I'm gonna kill you.
You're so annoying.
But that's not the case, is it? - No.
- All right.
Gimme, gimme.
Babe, I think we should make love.
Right after I water this tree.
You know, you gotta leave it better than you find it.
Oh, my God.
Casey! - What? - Your penis just knocked off my glasses.
It's tent livin', you know? What are you gonna do? Dear God, I hate to put you in this position, because I know that Casey works for you, but I am so screwed.
I'm not going to Haiti.
Nobody knows yet.
I mean, I couldn't be more If you could just please There she is.
Oh, Brendan.
We are really proud of what you've decided to do.
Quite frankly, it's the kind of thing I would do.
I mean it.
It's so exciting.
Yeah, I think so too.
Something's not right.
Are you having second thoughts about Haiti? What? No.
Get off.
Duncan's hugs never lie.
Okay, well, I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm gonna get a drink.
See ya.
Shirley temple with vodka, right? Sorcerer.
Haiti only has five letters and three are vowels.
Hey, Mindy, Bonnafortuna.
Ah, Lan.
Hey, Jamie.
How are you? I'm great, actually.
Lucy and I got engaged.
Thank you.
It's so funny, you are the last person I dated before found my true love.
- Isn't that funny? - That is funny.
I have a boyfriend too, actually.
- Stop talking to that person for a sec.
- Hi.
This is Casey, my boyfriend.
Isn't he tall? Yeah.
Salve, man.
How's it going? Jamie.
- Oh, Latin I'm detecting there, right? - Yeah.
Heus amicus? Quid agis? This guy is so cool.
That was cool.
You landed a real winner.
- I did.
- No, I did.
Handsome, knows his Latin.
You have a type.
No, I'm kidding.
You're, uh It's great to meet you, man.
And I'm so impressed with what you two are doing.
Going to Haiti and sharing a tent for a whole year.
Lucy and I, we can't even share a bathroom.
We're two peas in a pod.
We'd even share the same gum.
Right? Here.
We would.
Oh, no.
He gets it.
Come and get it.
Uh, c You got it? Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
- Mmm I mean, we're crazy.
About each other.
God, I love this picture of Dr.
You nailed it.
You know, I love that you didn't show Danny's crotch, because, honestly, it makes me think about it even more.
- Danny's a fascinating subject.
- Mm-hmm.
His features are actually They're quite androgynous.
Ah I'm really proud of these.
I mean, most photography is crap.
But this is quality.
First of all, black and white.
Danny, are you smoking? Nope.
What are you doing in here? Oh, come I mean, really? You're eating the Bon voyage cake? Come on, that's for later.
I'm sorry, isn't that my name on it? Yeah, and so is Casey's and whatever.
Are you hiding in here? - No, I am not hiding.
- Are you hiding? From what, total happiness? No.
- Well, I am happy you're happy.
- Good.
I mean, Haiti.
Yeah, Haiti.
- It's fun.
- Yeah? - It's a fun adventure for me - Okay.
As a mature adult to go to an aids-ravaged country with my boyfriend of three month by the time you get back, I'll probably be married, living in New Jersey with a tractor.
You know, one of those lawnmowers you It's weird, because most guys freak out when women push 'em too far too fast, but not me.
I'm not thinking of slipping out that window, vanishing into the night.
No way, not me.
Guys do freak out when you move that fast.
Oh, yeah.
What's this shower fixture you want me to see so badly? That was a lie.
I need to talk to you about something else.
What's up? Can I have your hands? I can't go to Haiti with you unless we're engaged to be married.
Re really? And I know that we've only been dating for, like, three months, so I get why that would be way too quick for you.
- Yeah.
- You want to hang out with your bros on a Friday night.
You don't have to come home and have spaghetti dinner with your weird Indian wife.
No one says that, just so we're clear.
But I, uh I see where you're coming from.
So you go to Haiti, I'll stay here.
We'll do long-distance.
We'll write letters and stuff.
This is awesome.
Up here, dude.
- Boom.
- All right.
Hey, uh, party people, can I just have your attention for a second? I just wanted to say that the day I met Mindy, I didn't realize I met my future wife.
What are you what? No, no, no.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Oh, my God.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Let me do it.
Let me No, please.
It's all right.
You don't need to.
I beg you, please stop.
All right, all right.
What's that? Whoa! Gotcha.
Look, here's the deal.
I just had a little rap "sesh" with the notorious G.
You know what "G" said? "That's your girl, dude.
" And I said, "thank you.
" Casey, I don't want you to propose to me, - and I don't want to go to Haiti.
- What? I said it, I don't want to go to Haiti.
What'd you just tell me in the bathroom? I didn't think you would actually want this kind of commitment, and then I would just kind of get out of it.
Why wouldn't I want to be interested in this commitment? - That's crazy.
- Well, because I kinda suck.
And no guy has ever wanted to commit to me before because I work too much, I'm kinda selfish, I've never voted.
And usually, the guy figures that out, and then they leave.
I'm not gonna leave.
It's not my fault that you I'm not one of these guys.
I know.
Who are these guys that make you think this way? There's him, him.
Sometimes this guy.
Okay, that was obviously a rhetorical question.
Casey, I love dating you.
I love dating you.
But I also love being independent, and I cannot spend a year zipped up in a tent with another person.
It's not "another person.
" Mindy, it's me.
I know, but that's not enough.
All right.
I wish you'd just - I wish you'd just said that.
- Can we just Can we just talk about this later? Let's no.
Um Please don't Good-bye.
Take care, Mindy.
Ehh, white people problems.
I'm obviously not white, Tamra.
Come on.
For the record, a person of color can have white people problems.
What about Jewish people? Oh, big time.
Um I'm gonna head out Because it is excruciating to remain here.
The triplets.
The triplets! Oh, my God.
Live fast, die young Bad girls do it well live fast, die young Careful with that car, man.
Bad girls do it well My chain hits my chest when I'm bangin' on the dashboard My chain hits my chest when I'm bangin' on the radio Get back, get down Pull me closer if you think you can hang Hands up, hands tied Don't go screaming if I blow you with a bang Ahh, suki zuki I'm coming in the cherokee Gasoline, there's steam Wow, Carol, all three babies are doing great.
And I will say my one has the highest Apgar score.
Not that it's It's not a competition.
- Doesn't matter.
- No.
Can you believe this? This morning, you had two people who lived in your apartment, and now there's five.
I know.
It's so exciting.
Exciting, yeah, but overwhelming.
So many human creatures at your house, all in your space.
Everywhere you look, there's a baby.
- Okay, where you going with this? - I'm just saying that Yeah, I mean, it is overwhelming.
But we really wanted a baby.
And life threw this at us.
Sometimes you just have to say yes.
Yeah, you do.
Damn it, Casey, let me in! Casey! Casey! Come to the window.
Casey Peerson, I need to talk to you.
Hey, it's 3:00 in the morning.
I'm so sorry, sir.
I'm in love with a man in your building.
Casey! Get off the street, psycho bitch! Okay, that's not called for.
I'm hey! Ow! What the hell? There's more where that came from! Quit it! Oh, my God! That could've killed me.
Casey! Casey, I'm pregnant! Seriously? I knew it.
I knew it.
The steady weight gain, the irritability, the acne.
No, I'm not actually pregnant, Casey.
I just said that so you'd come to the window.
Are you kidding me? I know.
I was wrong.
I was just scared because going to Haiti meant spending all of my time with you, and a lot of it confined to a very small tent with a guy who is, let's face it, all elbows and penis.
But it was dumb, because all I have ever wanted was to be in a serious relationship with a great guy.
And now I'm in one.
And I threw it away because it was hard.
Also, we're really good together.
For the record, you are never gonna find someone who does the kind of things that I do for you.
I think we both know what I'm talking about.
Easy, okay? I'm a minister.
What, specifically? What do you do? Okay, sir, enough.
Casey, please, take me with you.
No, Mindy.
All right? Just go home.
Yeah, get out of here! Yeah, go back to the Bronx.
Well, Casey, if you're not gonna take me with you to Haiti, then why did I do this? Who will have me now? It was a boy the whole time.
"It"? No, I'm not an it.
I'm a girl.
Prove it another way.
No, I'm not gonna prove it another way.
Okay, these are breasts.
Please, Casey.
What do you say? Stay right there.
I'm coming down.
I'm gonna go Oh, my God, what did you do to your hair? I cut it.
Oh, I hate it so much.
That is very rude.
It's short now.
You can't just say you hate it.
Only three women can pull off short hair like that Audrey Hepburn, Halle Berry, and Ellen Degeneres.
Guys are not gonna go for this.
I'm telling you, they're not gonna deal with it.
All right, well, it's a good thing you're not my boyfriend.
Yeah, it is a good thing.
I like it.
It might grow on me.
We both have the same haircut now.
I told Christina I I want to slow things down, so I think that's You got something There.
There was just A little Schmutz.
Casey and I got back together.
- You did? - Yeah.
So I'm gonna go to Haiti.
Good for you.

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