The Mindy Project s02e01 Episode Script

All My Problems Solved Forever…

After years as a high-profile doctor in the main Manhattan hospital, this summer, I gave it all up to move to Haiti.
Haiti's not that different from New York City, except not as many people scream at you, and it smells much better.
The best part, is that I'm here with my * he's a minister no big deal.
We live together, we shop together.
We even carpool to work together.
We're basically an old married couple, except we're young and hot.
Oh! I bought stationery that has my name on it, and I correspond with people.
I've been able to keep close tabs on my life back home, thanks to an old form of email called "mail.
" Morgan's been sending me thoughtful care packages, but I think someone's been stealing my peanut butter cups.
I feel a little guilty about leaving my job.
I just hope the practice doesn't fall apart without me.
I guess Danny's too busy enjoying his second honeymoon to keep me up on my TV shows.
But that's okay.
We've gotten addicted to Haiti's biggest reality hit, the real houseflies of port-au-prince.
I guess it's safe to say that I don't miss New York at all.
Everything's great.
Except when my boyfriend wakes me up at 5:00 A.
To see the Haitian sunrise.
Look at you.
If, six months ago, I'd said, "hey, let's climb a tree and check out this beautiful-ass sunrise," you'd punch me in the crotch, right? I'm not happy about it now.
But You barely hate it.
Yeah, I mean, it looks Right? It looks like a douche ad.
Not exactly the best segue I was looking for.
There's ants on this.
Mindy - Stop.
- Listen.
Are you kidding me? No.
I wanna vine this.
I people should Okay.
Mindy, when I first met you, I thought, "this is probably gonna be a fling," you know, based on your body type alone.
But I thought it'd be a fun little detour, you know.
"We'll go off-roadin', just head up the dune and see what happens.
" But it wasn't a detour.
This was my path.
I love you.
Mindy Lahiri, will you marry me? Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Can I can I? Put it on 'Cause I see a lady in this tree that should be having my baby.
- Mm! Mm! - Whoa, oh! Oh, God.
It is so hot that you're gonna be my wife.
But let me warn you.
Mm-hmm? My family has a lot of heart disease.
Yeah? I could die while we're doin' it or something.
Mm ow! Oh, God.
What's up? - What is it? - Oh, my God.
- Oh, it's my stomach.
- Mindy Hey, come on, five minutes.
- Five - Okay, just two.
All I need is two.
I can take care of everything.
Yeah, yeah, okay, and I'm horny, too, 'cause you're gonna be my husband.
- Mm! Oh, God! - What? Oh, I'm close, too.
Damn it, no - No, ow! - What? Mindy Come on.
Hey, hey, Mindy? Mindy Mindy Hi.
Oh, oh, g Oh, shh, quiet! Quiet, no, no, no, no.
Quiet! Stop, stop! Oh, w-we're fine! Shh, mm, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet.
I've been snow white-ing you for the past hour.
- Shh.
- You all good? There you go.
Where am I? You're in New York City! Got airlifted out of Haiti to have emergency gallbladder surgery.
Okay, that makes sense.
What did you bring me from Haiti? I brought you nothing.
Okay, well, I'm gonna order something online, and maybe you can reimburse me? No.
Tell me how much I can spend.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not I'm not gonna buy you anything, no Shh, shh, shh.
I'm not gon I'm not Can we get some jell-o in here? You want something? I wanna do a little exercise.
I want you to tell us five things you find beautiful about your penis.
Hey, you guys mind if I go kill myself? Danny, this is sex therapy.
We're supposed to talk about sex.
Or, in our case, lack thereof.
Okay, okay, we that's private between me and you.
Danny, Danny, Danny What? Now, this isn't gonna work unless you're open.
For example, Christina's erotic journal was comprehensive, suspenseful, and, frankly, moving.
Thank you.
While yours, on the other hand, was just a rant about airport security and a trick play for the jets.
Now, let's talk about your sperm.
Notice their behavior.
They're listless.
They're unhappy.
They're apathetic.
But they are perfectly healthy.
Then why'd you say all that other stuff first? Just the way I talk.
Now, I took the liberty of putting my own sperm on a slide for means of comparison.
Mm! Mm-mm! Check 'em out.
Got attitude.
They're like kids playing in an open fire hydrant in the '70s.
Thank you, Paul.
Put it away.
So how do we get your sperm more excited? - Eh - Danny's not very adventurous.
He really likes to do it missionary.
Missionaries are extremely adventurous.
You know who else is adventurous? Cowgirls.
Reverse cowgirls.
The next time either one of you is in the mood, I want you to pop in this cd.
I've had a lot of luck with it.
It won a grammy.
What? Stop eating cheese for a second.
You look really different.
Thank you.
I'm glad somebody noticed.
Yeah, I got my teeth whitened.
I mean, it bloody hurt, actually, but they look fantastic.
Yeah, she's not talking about your teeth, buddy.
She's talking about your fat.
I am.
I am talking about that.
Since you abandoned us for Haiti, and Danny went to Jersey, wherever that is, I was forced to assume the role of managing partner.
Now, in times of extreme stress, I turn to food.
When I did my "a" levels, I was the size of a small ski chalet.
Is that unforgivable? Why don't you leave him alone? He's a human being with feelings.
Want to see if his fatness can hold this pen? Oh, wow, 'cause you're perfect! Aren't you? Hello? Hello.
Hey, Tamra, where is everybody? Did they go to that ethnic street fair? I told them not to go.
No, they all went to visit that Indian doctor who used to work here.
She's real sick.
What's her name again? I wanna say glob.
Mindy? I really think it's glob.
She's back.
She's sick? I don't know.
All right, all right, what did you do? What'd you do, get drunk and sass a voodoo princess? Try to get your groove back with some street kid? - What happened? - No, no, no, no, no.
She's fine.
I just had some gallstones removed.
I'm fine.
Did you run here? No, I just You're sweating out of your armpits so much.
I couldn't get a cab, and then I So how was the Caribbean? Did you lose any wet t-shirt contests? Okay, I would win every wet t-shirt contest I entered.
Yeah, because I have huge knockers, and they look great damp.
Okay, that's enough.
But I think you're referring to my charity trip in Haiti.
Do you wanna see pictures? Yeah.
This is the hospital I built in Haiti.
Wait a minute, wait.
Isn't that beautiful? Wow, I've never seen photos on your phone of anybody but you.
Hey, you guys.
Hey! I was out getting some of our favorite stuff we can't get in Haiti, so, for me, a little candy and some beer.
And for you Prescription dandruff shampoo.
I got you, girl.
You tell him the good news? I did not.
Guys, I lost three pounds of water weight from diarrhea.
Oh! I knew you looked good.
Babe, the, uh, other news.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
Casey proposed to me.
Aah! Oh, my God! Isn't that great? - Aah! - Huh? Shotgun Best man.
And enjoyment of the people.
Ken burns does it again.
All right, good night, babe.
What are you doing? Ah.
Nah, I'm not Come on.
I was in the mood before, but then I had the chicken pot pie.
And I just I'm full, and I'm and I'm just I'm kind of bloated.
No, we're gonna try Dr.
leotard's cd.
Let's not do it now.
We'll do it Okay, we're do We're gonna do it now.
We're gonna do it now.
Hello, lovemakers.
Let us now begin our 55-minute erotic adventure.
Are you kidding me? No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
Danny, you said you'd try.
Okay, it's just Let's go, let's go.
Touch your partner's earlobe.
- Silky, is it not? - Let's do it.
Come on.
Longing for stimulation? It is the clitoris of the head.
Yeah, okay, this is Let's just stop.
I'm not a sex maniac who can just turn it on after I ate an entire pie stuffed with chicken.
All right? So I'm gonna go to the multi-purpose room and just reply to some emails right now.
Now we focus on our sex groans.
That's good! So you're cool if we get married at my parents' country club in Pasadena, right? It's just It's just, my grandma, she thinks my grandpa's ghost still roams the trophy room there.
You know I told my dad I'd get married somewhere on the freedom trail.
He's, like, a huge revolutionary war buff, and he loves Boston.
Oh, man.
And we're gonna have to fly in all my extended family from India.
I can't wait for them to meet my racist family from Pasadena.
This thing is gonna be crazy expensive.
You know that, right? What if we just Dialed it back, did something simple here, before we even go back to Haiti.
I'm sorry, this week? Ah.
Don't you think that's kind of rushed? Took me longer to get my permit for my handgun.
I'm just saying that this right here Us This is all we need.
We don't need some crazy, extravagant party.
You know what? Since going to Haiti, I don't need the things I used to need.
- I just need you.
- There's my girl.
Why don't you help me cut myself out of my medical gauze diaper? - Mm-hmm.
- That I got during my surgery.
Yeah, you know what, maybe we should just snuggle.
Hey, guys.
Ah! Uh-uh, I told you, we don't want no candy bars, little boy.
Uh, it's Dr.
Lahiri, Tamra.
I've worked here for many years.
I actually hired you.
Great to see you.
You must be Mindy Lahiri.
Who is that? Cool your jets.
You're engaged.
A person is walking into the room.
I'm just looking at him.
- Stop.
- What? Is this the Taliban? I can't look at a man anymore? Mindy Lahiri.
Paul leotard.
Well, hi.
So nice to meet you.
Ohh - Hi.
- Hey.
If I may say, you are, like, crazy bangable hot.
I don't understand why you're a doctor.
You could be a model.
Anybody can be a doctor.
I actually did think about modeling, until I was scouted, and I became a model.
That's interesting.
Actually, the same thing kinda happened to me.
No, it didn't, it didn't.
If I could model, I wouldn't be in this dump with these losers.
I'd be on a yacht with Robin Thicke and he'd spray me with champagne.
It just didn't jibe with me.
Then, one day, I was walking down the runway so high on "E" I actually walked off the stage.
I mean, normally, that would kill a person.
What is it, like, two feet? - He said it would kill a person.
- Oh, sorry.
Shut up.
When suddenly This beautiful, glowing angel caught me.
Now, who was that angel? An eight-month pregnant woman.
I never found out who she was.
I know she did ad sales for instyle.
Anyway, from that moment on, I realized my life's purpose: I was meant to guide babies down the original runway, the human birthing out.
That's an amazing story.
Yeah, it tears me up.
I've heard it a bunch, and I still get emotional about it.
Show her the big smile.
What? Show her your million-watt smile.
Don't embarrass me.
Just come on.
Right now, right now.
Aw, come on.
Show her your smile! Come on, you.
Look at that, look at that.
There it is.
Looks great.
Best smile Dr.
Yes, thank you.
I'm sorry, did you just call him "Dr.
"? Uh, Dr.
But I'm actually Dr.
I-I-I've been Dr.
For years, so Ah, yeah Hey, I got it.
We will call you "big L.
" - Big L.
That's cute.
- Perfect.
That is perfect for you.
That is cute.
No, it doesn't make any sense, because I'm, like, a tiny, dainty bird, so No, it's good, you know? You'd, like, break through a wall and be like, "big L.
! Ohh, yeah.
" It doesn't make any sense.
- People wouldn't understand it.
- Big personality.
Big appetite.
People wouldn't get it.
Okay, I better get to work.
Duty calls.
- But it was so nice to meet you.
- Great to meet you.
What an honor to take your place.
Thank you.
Hungry L.
Use a different area.
Don't Not just how much I eat.
So you're really getting married this week, huh? Yeah.
It's easy, it's chill, it's great.
Chill and easy? Okay, Tony hawk.
Look, I don't think it's a good idea for you, but, you know.
You know what? Just please be supportive of me, and be a good friend.
- Danny? - Hey.
Do you have a second? Yeah.
Uh, Mindy No, she can stay.
In fact, why doesn't everyone come in? Wanna come in here? So, today I went on your computer to find your mother's address, and what do you think I discover in your browser history? What's a browser history? It's a list of all the sites you visited.
Oh, no.
Those things are famously inaccurate.
You didn't know it existed two seconds ago.
Pornography, Danny! You don't wanna have sex with me, but you have plenty of time for this? I was looking at that in a dispassionate, very academic way, okay? Is that why you were searching "topless Kate Upton"? "Topless Rita Moreno"? Yes, "topless," like in "riding in a convertible.
" - No? Okay.
- Do you even want to be with me? Yes.
Too long.
That's for wasting my time.
What's the big deal? I masturbate all the time.
I did during this discussion.
I gotta make this right.
We own a house together.
We booked a leaf-watching trip in the berkshires.
Who's gonna explain Colbert to me? I mean Is he a real guy? Dr.
, you need to do what Kobe did when he messed up.
Get that girl a 10-pound ring.
Great idea.
I need to propose to her so she knows that I'm all-in.
Oh, God, a double doctor wedding.
This is every medical secretary's dream.
Okay, good, I'm gonna take care of this.
Okay, I'm sorry, am I the only person here who thinks this is a really bad idea? Okay, look, let's not do this.
Nobody asked you, okay? I mean, I'm just saying.
Okay? This is a woman who came and destroyed your computer, embarrassed you in front of all of your co-workers, and your solution is to spend the rest of your life with her? I'm not gonna take advice from a woman who can't even hold on to her non-essential organs, okay? Just focus on your own wedding.
Ah, my wedding day.
There's a certain charm to a simple wedding.
Not exactly what I wanted, but just what I needed.
That sounds like something people say, and though I'm surrounded by my coworkers and people I frankly don't even like, all that matters is me, my fiance, and the look in his eyes when he sees me for the first time in my wedding dress.
Casey! Oh! What? Oh! Sh Ahh! Ahh! Oh! Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
You just peed on my wedding dress! I am sorry.
You scared me.
It sprays harder when I'm scared.
Stop peeing and get out of here! No, I can't And don't look at me! No, I can't stop once I've started.
- I'll die.
- What? - I will stop, I'm sorry okay.
- Get out.
Get out, get out.
I will die.
Wait, no, no, no Stop peeing.
Oh, shoot, I'll clean that later.
This is a nightmare.
Hey, Morgan, you seen Mindy anywhere? No, no.
Hey Thank you for throwing a wedding where I feel comfortable.
Yeah, man.
Glad you're having fun.
I feel accepted in my tracksuit.
You know, no one's judging me for digging into the cake early.
It's just it's nice.
Just, like, low stakes.
Man, have fun, whatever.
I like these one-on-one talks.
All right.
Mindy? Mindy Are you wearing a bed sheet? Hey.
What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be proposing to Christina on a gondola in the middle of the gowanus canal or something? That's offensive.
I was gonna do it But I didn't.
I love her, but when it comes down to it Just being with her every day I just Wasn't happy.
I think you made the right decision.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Can I confess something? Sure.
I don't want to go back to Haiti.
I mean, I like the work that I was doing there, but I-I just I miss being here.
I knew you were unhappy.
- Really? How? - Yeah.
Well, you wrote me, like, every week, so More like you wrote me every week.
I have a stack of letters from you this high.
What are you talking about? You kept them all? You're such a stalker.
I like the way you write letters.
You don't ramble on like you do when you talk.
You know, I really thought that I changed, but I didn't.
I just got good at pretending to like things that I don't like.
The guy you're about to marry.
I'm not.
Then go get married.
What are you doing out here? Yeah, there's actually pee all over my wedding dress.
I'm gonna blow past that.
I don't - I surprised him, and he peed on it.
- I don't I'm good.
You know what I always thought you looked nice in? Something in the way you love me Won't let me be I don't want to be your prisoner So, baby, won't you Set me free? Hey, hold up.
Stop the track.
Just, Mindy, I don't want to marry you.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I mean like this.
I do want to marry you.
I want to marry her.
Why would you say it like that? I know, I'm sorry, not cool.
Shouldn't have said it like that.
But this wedding is not cool either, right? I do not care about a fancy, expensive wedding, Casey.
No, it's not that this isn't expensive.
It's that it's not you.
You wanna come out of a pumpkin carriage carried by four gay dudes, like Cleopatra.
No, I don't.
You don't want to have a wedding in our apartment.
We should be renting out the plaza, and it should be so fancy that bane, from the Batman movies, busts in through a skylight, slits my throat, and then takes you as prisoner.
Tom Hardy takes me as his sex prisoner? - No, that's the actor.
Bane, the character.
- Sorry, yeah.
Which is why I don't think you should come back to Haiti.
What? The wedding you deserve, it's expensive, right? - Yeah.
- And I make, like, nothing.
So I-I should stay here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and then down the line I mean, pastors, we are paid in the afterlife, okay? - Okay.
- So we'll have a McMansion - Perfect.
- We'll have a fountain.
- Great.
- We'll be living in heaven heights.
Yeah, and I'm gonna stay here.
That sounds great.
Thank you.
I love you.
I love you.
Mindy, I've killed Casey.
Okay, that's scary good.
Hi, Mindy.
Oh, God.
Are you kidding me? You have a very light tread.
Yeah, I'm part Cherokee.
Not me.
I have an extremely heavy tread.
When I walk around, I'm like, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp.
They can't even rent out the apartment below me.
So, what happened? Did you miss your flight? No, actually, I am not going to Haiti anymore.
You're not? - No.
- Well For what it's worth, I think you dodged a bullet.
I didn't want to say anything before, but that guy has big-time gay face.
Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there.
I am still engaged.
That's a good choice, too.
I'm gonna stay here.
Yeah, he's heterosexual.
So am I, so Oh, fantastic.
And and So what are you gonna do? I'm gonna be a doctor.
Where are you gonna work? Here, at the practice.
Where are you gonna work? Here, at the practice.
Go to bed.

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