The Mindy Project s02e04 Episode Script

Magic Morgan

The week after break up, is the worst.
He filled my days and lastly, I will have one order of the glass noodle salad.
What do you mean I don't fulfill the delivery minimum? I used to.
He took my childhood In his stride But he was gone when autumn came Smiling, serious, kissing, Charlie's Angels.
Classic photo booth big four.
Come to me That we would live the years together Excuse me.
Ow! Damn it! Who put this stupid box here? Cliff Gilbert, attorney at law.
Who does that? I knew I shouldn't have come to work.
Which is when I tripped and fell on your stupid box of fish oils.
Yeah, I opened it.
So I hope you're a good lawyer, - because I plan on suing.
- Okay.
I have a couple thoughts.
Nice to meet you, by the way.
I'm cliff.
Now, I could sue you for tampering with my mail, because that's a federal offense.
Since when? Since, like, 1820.
Uh, I do that all the time.
Well, you shouldn't.
If somebody gets an interesting looking mail, you don't open it to see what's in it? No, I don't.
Neither do I.
But I am so curious.
Who is it that you think that you could sue? Uh, you, this law firm.
The makers of fatsteps weight loss sneakers.
Their spokesperson, Brooke Burke, her husband, David Charvet, and Okay, okay.
Let me just stop you right there.
In slip-and-fall claims, a plaintiff, you, has to prove gross negligence on the part of the defendant, me.
Now, I can only assume you weren't looking where you were going because you clearly weren't looking in the mirror when you got dressed this morning.
Uh, how dare you? I'm adorable.
I look like Keira Knightley running errands.
Guys love this look.
Not that I'm interested in guys right now, 'cause I'm going through a breakup.
Wait a minute.
You're single? I find that impossible.
Now you're always wearing fatsteps in the rain, outside of a control exercise environment, so I think the judge hears that, finds the plaintiff to be negligent and clearly insane.
Case closed.
Have a wonderful day, everyone.
You think you're so cool, with all your legal talk, pacing around in your expense pants.
I can do that too.
Guess what? I've seen legally blonde nine times.
I saw it on Broadway.
I read the novelization.
I have the app.
Meant to do that.
So Have a nice life, loser.
Okay, you have a online shopping problem.
Everybody, gather around.
It seems rather silly to me that we work at a place called Shulman and associates when there's no one called Shulman here.
I thought he was Shulman.
I'm Castellano.
For real? And with the addition of Dr.
Peter Prentice, it seemed high time to have a new name.
Is the new doctor Is that set in stone? Is this anybody's sandwich? Because I've eaten half of it, and I don't like it.
No, Danny, it's not set in stone.
It's set in Lucite! I give you, Peerson, Castellano, Reed & Prentice.
Wait, who's Peerson? I don't know none of y'all people.
Mindy is Mrs.
Casey Peerson, or at least she will be when she gets married.
Yeah, Casey and I might not be getting married.
What? It didn't make sense to get married once we had broken up, so What? But you must.
For the sign.
Did he leave you for a white woman? That's exactly wrong, and please don't grab me like that.
Hold on.
Was it a black man? No.
Look, I've been on the other side of this a lot, dumping chicks.
I think what you've got to know is that he had his reasons, and it's better this way.
Or at least it's better this way for him.
Okay, I barely know you, and you had your hand on me for, like, 20 minutes.
Hey, guys, obviously I'm really sad and I'm in no condition to work.
So I'm going to take my heartache days, and I'll be back here when I feel better.
Yeah, we did actually talk about this.
You don't get heartache days.
In fact, they don't exist.
Oh, hey, Dr.
Talk to you about my love life stat.
Hey, do you remember my ex-girlfriend, Vicki? No.
Okay, well, anyway, she just got engaged to an engineer, and not the choo-choo kind.
The rich kind.
And the crazy thing is, this is the seventh time this has happened.
Every time I date a girl, the minute we break up, bam, she meets some amazing guy and they fall in love.
Morgan, I think you're describing the premise to good luck Chuck.
Um, I've never seen that film.
I might be too young for that.
Anyways, what do I do? Is there something Should I call them and be like Hey, Morgan, Morgan.
I'm really searching for the passion to continue my interest in this conversation, but I'm very sad, so I'm going to go eat my snack.
So I'm going to go do that, okay? I tried.
Randolph, water births have no proven medical benefits.
They get a lot of publicity because of celebrities Your ricki lakes and whatnot But, you know what? Let's talk about this later.
Okay? Okay.
Good to see you.
Peter! Peter! What's going on in here, guys? Dr.
'S doing the cinnamon challenge.
If you can swallow a spoonful of cinnamon, you win.
Oh, my God.
Can't you die from that? What do you win? Oh! Respect.
Danny, you smell delicious, like a cup of cider I can't wait to sip.
Peter's got to go.
It's not working out.
Come on.
He's a great doctor.
The patients love him.
Plus, he's the only one around here who calls me "boss," which I like.
He calls everyone boss, or chief or little buddy, which makes no sense at all.
Yeah, no sense at all.
I thought you two would get on.
You're both American dudes.
We're nothing like each other, okay? He wears cargo shorts.
I wear slacks.
He surfs.
I fear the ocean out of respect.
Okay, well, guess what, Danny? I hired him when you and Mindy - both left me in the lurch, remember? - Yeah.
Get out of my office.
You smell like a candle shop during the holidays.
Joyce, happy to see you.
Not so happy with you.
Heard you missed a childbirth prep class.
That can't happen.
If it does, I will throw you in baby jail.
Now, I'm kidding, but I'm also being really serious.
Hey, boss.
Little buddy.
See? He's got the human touch.
A long December And there's reason to believe Maybe this year will be better than the last Don't be sad, girl.
I miss you too.
Hi! Hi, Casey, it's Mindy.
Hi! You're are you okay? Yeah, yeah, I'm okay.
I mean, I'm shrunken into, like, a miniature version of myself, so Well Not completely miniature.
That is just hilarious.
You been drinking a little bit? Yeah.
I don't want to feel this way anymore, Casey.
I just want to fast-forward through all of missing you, and I want to be happy again.
Maybe going to the gym would help.
Okay, photo me.
Why don't you back off, you stupid skank? Yeah, I went there.
It's Morgan! The white nurse from work! Mindy's not here right now.
Don't you Mrs.
Doubtfire me! I saw how upset you were earlier.
No! Get out of the way.
Come on.
No, I brought you stuff, okay, because you're having a bad day.
I brought treats.
I got your rag Mags.
I prefer to be left alone right now, because I'm really sad.
They didn't have ice cream, so I got sour cream.
Thought we could add some sugar and hope for the best.
Look, I get it.
Okay, we are sad.
All right, Casey and you broke up.
My old girlfriend got engaged.
That's right, 'cause everyone who dates you finds the perfect person right after.
Mindy, this is a lot of empty wine bottles.
What's going on? Use your magic on me.
What? What? Oh! Come on, Morgan! Just be my boyfriend for the night! Do we have a chemical attraction? Yes, of course.
Do I occasionally think about you in your yoga pants? Constantly.
Then let's just do this thing and release me from this hell! Oh! Oh, God.
You said you were magic.
No, no, no, no, no.
Aah! Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
You don't know what you're saying.
You're drunk.
No, no No, no, no.
Aah! Stop it.
Stop it.
Stop it.
Why would you let me stop it? You got to calm down.
There we go.
Let me No, no.
It's over.
It's over.
Morgan If there is any chance that your power is real, I need to try.
I'm so sad.
I don't know what to do.
You crying is the one thing on this earth I can't take.
All right, I'll do it.
What? I'll work my magic By having sex with your body.
So I'm out with this chick, super smart and classy, major cans.
Major cans? Danny, it's a locker room.
He's a telling a chap story.
So we're on a double date, you know, so there's no awkward silences.
Hey, Danny, come sit down.
You pretend to be me.
No, thank you.
Go on, mate.
Come on, sit down.
It'll help with the story.
Just pretend to me.
I'll be the chick.
It's so funny.
All right, I'm Peter.
Spot on.
We're out to dinner, double date, it's going great.
All of a sudden, the conversation starts to get a little iffy about north Korea.
And I feel her hand under the table Oh! Whoa.
I know.
It was crazy.
She grabbed my junk under the table.
That's my penis.
You can't just Not okay.
And the cinnamon and the nicknames.
That's my penis.
I'm sorry.
I'm just telling a story.
We're all friends.
You know what, that's I went over the pants! Rule number six, my socks will stay on.
Final sex rule, you can't fall in love with me.
Okay, I think the alcohol is starting to wear off, so why don't you go in the bedroom, and I'm gonna freshen up here.
I've never done it in a bedroom before.
One time I Oh.
What am I doing? Morgan, you were right.
This is bad idea.
I didn't Oh, my God! Hi.
I was gone for, like, ten seconds.
It felt like forever.
What? It felt like forever.
You're using, like, a bedroom voice.
I honestly can't hear you.
Open those blinds, and let's let the stars watch.
Come here, you.
Aah! Please don't act so shocked and disgusted.
It's a little offensive.
Take your stuff.
This is a big mistake.
Just remember that it was you that asked me moments ago to have sex with you, so I'm gonna go, and I want to thank you for really making this a great night for everyone.
This isn't working out, Peter.
We're letting you go, bud.
I can't lose another job.
This eats! Peter, Peter.
I'm so sorry.
Look, I know when I grabbed your junk before that that was wrong.
Afterwards, I kept thinking to myself, what would it feel like to be in this guy's shoes, you know, and have some super handsome guy grab my penis? Well, I would have loved it, but that's me, and we're all different.
You know, that's what Martin Luther King was saying.
No, that's not what he meant.
Got that wrong.
You guys have no idea how important this job is to me.
I have never worked with such smart and rad people.
Everybody here makes me want to be a better doctor.
All right, Peter.
You can stay.
Wait, what? Everyone deserves a second chance.
Come on.
Plus his name's already on the sign.
This is great.
I would teach you guys my secret handshake, but then I'd have to touch your junk again.
Hello? Dr.
Hi, it's cliff Gilbert.
Oh, this is sad.
You were incredibly rude to me yesterday, but what do you know? Can't stop thinking about me.
Sure, I'll go on a date with you In your dreams, cliff.
Actually I'd completely forgotten about you until your employee Morgan Tukers came into my office, and Tookers.
Morgan tookers came into my office and said he wanted to sue you for sexual harassment.
I thought, "yep, that seems about right.
" Okay.
The reason we're all here is because last night Ms.
Lahiri tried to coerce my client into sexual intercourse.
What? You did what? You did that? Come on! So my client is seeking $200,000 in restitution.
What? $200,000? I should be suing you for $2 billion because I had to see your entire butt crack.
My butt crack's fantastic.
It's important for me to speak for those who cannot speak.
What are you, the lorax? What are you talking about? Okay, so here's how this is gonna work.
You're gonna pay my client $200,000, or we will see you in court.
See you in judge Judy, babe.
Wait a minute.
We can talk about this.
- There is one other way.
- No, there is no other way.
There's one other way.
No, there isn't.
There's one other way.
, you threw me out of your house last night and you said you never wanted to be with someone like me, and that hurt.
But I will forget about the money if you take me on a nice date.
- What? - Squeeze me? Like, a dinner date.
Mindy would be happy to take Morgan out on a date, teeming with respect and decency.
It's settled.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's not settled.
I agree.
I agree.
Yeah, it's not settled.
It's one date.
You're gonna go out.
You're gonna look nice.
Don't wear your fatsteps, please no one likes those.
People love my fatsteps.
- They don't.
- People hate them.
You know what? I thought I had hit rock bottom, but we managed to find a new subbasement.
So, yeah, let's do this.
Let's do this.
This is my life now.
Okay, Mr.
tookers, I'm going to be billing you for the hours I've wasted on this.
I have no money, and I will not pay.
If you let me have heartache days, we wouldn't be in this situation.
What's happening in there? You got your date outfit Are you kidding me? Come on.
Let's go.
I'm sorry I found it challenging to accessorize for a date to hell.
Come on, you date creeps all the time.
It's not a big deal.
Hey, these are hot you should wear these.
- A pink g-string? - Yeah, on the bottom.
I mean, this is hot.
If I saw you in it On sight! What? I would chop you down on sight.
What's wrong with you? Whoa! What? Why did it get weird when I said that? I'm not going to wear a pink g-string on my coerced date with my coworker.
So Just pick out something, anything nice.
You got Look at this.
This is perfect, right? That's nice.
What? What? That's Casey's shirt.
Oh, God, you guys.
He's gonna haunt me forever.
I'm never gonna find anyone like that again.
Oh, hey.
Come on, mama.
Let's dry those eyes, huh? Here we go.
Am I ever gonna meet anybody? Maybe.
I don't know the future.
Thank you.
And if you don't want to go on that date, you don't have to.
We'll just pay Morgan the $200,000.
We're not doing that.
That is absolutely not gonna happen that's a great idea! No, no, no.
No way.
Great, I'll just be your sex slave to whoever you want to whore me out to.
That's not what we're talking about.
I'll just do whatever you want to do.
Listen to me! I'm sorry about you and Casey.
We all are.
Yeah, look, it sucks.
I'm sorry.
So why don't you just pick any one of these gorgeous frocks and go out and show this Morgan the night of his life? Look, you need this, okay? You got to get out of the apartment.
I'll go.
All right.
Can I wear my fatsteps? No.
Okay, I'm gonna change, you pedos.
Get out of here.
Let's go.
Everybody out.
Let her change.
Privacy is best.
You're gonna be okay.
Take this with me.
Whoa! Look at that.
Look at that.
What? The saw Fire.
Nothing's happening.
All right.
How much money do you make annually? Dr.
How you doing? Person here, trying to talk.
I'm sorry, I'm just texting so what we don't have to make conversation.
Oh, cool.
Let me just Let me see it for one second.
I'm gonna hold on to this one.
You know, because it's supposed to be a fun date that we're on together.
Of course, no, no, no.
So we should have fun.
You're right.
You're right.
Absolutely right.
That was so rude.
Have you ever traveled abroad? Yes, one time I went to Montreal.
Beautiful city.
Yeah, I went there to see a prostitute that I had been talking to online.
And I got there Turned out she was a man, and he beat the hell out of me pretty bad, so That's the last time I traveled anywhere.
Hey, you're getting sauce all over the road and track, man.
That's communal.
Hey, dude, how many times are you gonna make me say I'm sorry? Uh, tub birth.
I'm gonna vomit.
We'll just go through it.
Come on.
You know, you guys, I don't have anything to do tonight, so if you need an extra set of hands, I could help you out.
Wait a minute.
You want to come? I'm the new guy, you know? You got to treat me like a pledge.
I have to do all the stuff that you guys don't want to do.
I'm your bitch.
That's very helpful, Peter.
Yeah, that's very, very, very helpful, Peter.
We got a tub birth to do.
And if I may quote most of my t-shirts, let's get wet, ladies.
You know what? This is a crazy idea.
Why don't we order some shrimp cocktail, do the whole thing over again? No.
Yeah, that's crazy.
I have fulfilled my contractual date with you.
- Be safe getting home.
- No, no, no, look.
The date's not over.
A date is dinner and something.
Dinner and a movie.
Dinner and a sunset look-at.
We got to go do our something.
What is our something? Oh, you'll see.
What? Okay.
Please don't.
Please don't do that.
Morgan, did you bring me here to kill me? Oh, God, I'm not gonna kill you! I want to show you my favorite place.
The quarry.
Right? This is a real place.
Whoa! See, this is where I hang out.
It's nice! Yeah, I know.
Watch this.
If you yell, it echoes.
It echoes.
It echoes.
Pretty cool.
Sometimes I come here, stuff I got to get off my chest, you know? Morgan, why don't you do your back exercises? They help! they help No one can you hear you but the rocks.
They were here before we were born, and they'll be here after we're gone.
Can I try? That's why I brought you up here, dumbass.
Do it.
Come on.
It'll help you.
Come on.
Casey, I miss you! I hate this feeling! I hate this feeling! That's good.
How'd that feel? A little better, actually.
, I've been dumped God.
I was left at the altar three times.
Two different women faked their own deaths to get away from me.
The point is, you can't force yourself to get over someone.
But it'll happen.
You know, maybe tomorrow.
Maybe in five years.
Oh, God.
Throw me in the quarry.
All right, look, we got to get out of here, man.
There's, like, 14 different kinds of animals that want to eat us.
So we should go.
Okay, just one second.
Okay, give me one second? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bye, Casey.
Okay, I'm ready.
This is actually a pretty nice date.
Did you bring protection? Do you use protection? Oh, my God.
No, no, no, no.
Why don't you use a backpack instead of a plastic bag? My birthday's coming up.
Hold the door.
Hold the door.
Oh, it's you.
"Oh, it's you"? No, you don't get to "oh, it's you" me.
I "oh, it's you" you.
I'm a Ray of sunshine.
Yeah, well, you definitely look better than you did yesterday.
Thank you.
I bathed.
That's important.
After you.
Magic Morgan.
It works every time.

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