The Mindy Project s02e05 Episode Script

Wiener Night

Oh, no.
Code red! Help! Help! Emergency! Yes? My TV is broken.
And I cannot be alone with my thoughts.
I'm coming back from an enemy's wedding.
Ma'am, you're being very disruptive.
You know, I am so tired of people telling me that.
You know what, maybe this is fate.
Maybe the person sitting next to me is supposed to be the love of my life.
Maybe this is a flight of destiny.
Oh, thank you.
Wait, why did you just take my picture? I'm required to any time I hear certain words like "code red" or "flight of destiny.
" Okay.
I find that racial.
We remind you that this is a non-smoking flight.
Smoking is prohibited on the entire aircraft.
Oh, hey! Sorry.
Uh, I gotta get in.
You wanna That's okay.
I'm sorry.
Ah Oh! Ooh.
Oh, thank God, man.
I'm always so worried they're gonna stick me next to someone skinny.
Then I gotta put up with their skinny stink eye the whole flight.
Excuse me? Yeah, just like that.
I'm sorry, sir, I am a petite Asian woman.
So am I.
Look, all I'm saying is you and me, chubs like us, we gotta stick together in the sky.
How dare you? Uh, sorry, sir, I think this is my seat.
Oh, come on, dude, I just got my fan out.
- I - Okay, come on, move it.
Happy to switch with you.
Excuse me, sorry.
After you, thin guy.
Welcome to row 17.
I'm happy to be here.
I was worried I was gonna have to sit next to Kevin Smith.
Oh, come on, that's hurtful, man, I can hear you.
Oh, g uh, sorry.
I love Chasing Amy.
Yeah, whatever.
So we're gonna take off soon, so you better take your cell phone out and call your wife or girlfriend and tell them you love them.
I usually go with, um, "Miss, would you like me to switch seats so that you can sit next to your husband?" Oh.
I guess you hit on your seatmates quite a bit.
Only when I like what I'm sitting next to.
Cabin crew, please take your seats for take-off.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh How can you not watch this? I mean, the man has to eat a seven-pound burrito.
I'm actually I'm reading a book about the epic struggle to bring the telegraph to Australia in 1872.
Who's making you read that? No one.
It's for pleasure.
Oh, I get it.
You're one of those snobs.
You probably, like, watch highbrow stuff like Celebrity Rehab.
I am an arts and culture writer for the New York Independent.
I love that paper.
It's mostly sex ads and things.
Hey, it's also the preferred kitty litter lining for discerning cat ladies.
I'm not one of those.
In case you were trying to figure that out.
Great, that was the last item on my checklist, so do you want to go out? Yes.
Oh, thank God, okay.
I have to pee.
I've been holding it in for two hours in the hopes that you would ask me out.
I think I gave myself a UTI.
This is great.
It was worth it.
Is that a joke? Are you going in? Mm-hmm.
- Please don't judge me.
- Oh, God.
so I'm running through Battery Park looking for batteries which I don't find, but I do find adventure No, Morgan.
This is fribbledy-froo.
I've told you repeatedly to keep your anecdotes work-related.
Everyone, I met a hot guy on an airplane.
We talking Mile High Club? Please.
You think I would be in the Mile High Club? That's disgusting.
Airplane bathrooms.
Also I'm worried that my butt would get sucked into the sink.
Oh, it will.
Trick is to use that suction to your advantage.
I'll show you all about it on our next business trip.
In all seriousness, now.
You know I was on that Sullenberger flight that went down in the Hudson.
It was an amazing day.
I'm just saying that plane wasn't the only thing to get goosed.
Oh, come on, Peter.
That flight was, like, two minutes, dude.
That's all I need.
Ow! Oh, stop! None of this is appropriate.
So this guy is the arts and culture editor for this little anarchist newspaper called the New York Independent.
Yeah, it's pretty boring stuff, but cool photo, right? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, you're not dating Jason Richmond.
No, it's not possible.
He's got incredibly high standards.
The psychopath who called Bon Jovi pedestrian? He got us through Sandy.
I mean you have nothing in common with this guy.
If anything it should be me hanging out with him.
I mean, can you imagine the adventures we'd have? Just Shakespeare in the Park.
In the round.
What the hell? Whoa.
Oh, yeah.
There's a coupon for jeans in here.
Gonna Gonna check that out.
That's my paper.
Christina, it's your ex-husband Dan.
I see you're throwing an art exhibit with those private, naked photos of me.
That's terrific.
I mean, if you're doing it to get back at me for the way things ended, well, you're wasting your time because I love it.
I love it.
So, Mindy, what did you think of the movie? I thought it was very real.
I thought they looked like people that would be in line behind me at the bank.
I was not sure why we paid money to see it.
Okay, because for me it was kind of refreshing to see normal people falling in love in a movie.
I have not yet tired of seeing hot people fall in love.
So you want to see a movie where, like, Rachel McAdams is the ugly duckling who who's always the bridesmaid but can never find Mr.
When does that movie come out? That sounds amazing.
I have an e-mail alert for Rachel McAdams.
I actually can't believe I don't know about this.
No, that's a fake movie that I made out of cliches.
Ah! I don't know if it's pre-war or post-war, but I like it a lot.
It's beautiful.
Do you want to come upstairs? You just have to let me go inside first 'cause I think I forgot to flush the toilet.
Yeah, I'd, um I'd love to come up.
Yeah? Yeah.
This is a pleasant surprise.
That I'm such a good kisser? No, that you're asking me to come up.
When it doesn't seem like there's, you know, much of a future here.
Wait, I'm sorry, what? No, just that it I that we you know, we don't have a lot in common culturally.
Eh I'm sorry, are you saying that I'm not cultured? I'm deeply cultured.
I've been to London.
I saw Mamma Mia on the West End.
Before it transferred to Broadway, where I saw it again.
Mindy, I'm sorry.
I- I shouldn't have said that.
Look, hey, I like you a lot.
I didn't mean to put a damper on the rest of tonight.
Tonight? Seriously? I have never been this insulted.
I mean, I have lots of times, but I think you should go.
Mindy, can you forget that I said that? I, uh I'd be happy to listen to One Direction while we do it.
The documentary or their album? You know what? No.
Don't tell me.
You messed up.
Have a fun night tonight, by yourself.
This city used to be so much better when anyone could get mugged at anytime, you know? What? Doctors.
We haven't met.
I'm Brendan Deslauriers.
Oh, you're the midwife.
No, that's not our attitude towards it.
I said cool.
I'm very excited to see your show, Danny.
You know what, why don't you bite me, Deslauriers? That was not sarcastic.
Yeah, it was.
It was.
No, it was not.
I know sarcasm when I hear it.
Okay, this guy's just being nice.
He just wants to know about Excuse me, what show is that? Hey, everyone! Everybody! Hey! I've got some news I've been debating whether or not to share with you guys.
You ran from the elevator.
Our Danny here is the subject of an art exhibit that features him tastefully nude and it's opening "toe-night.
" Wait, I'm sorry, "nude" as in naked? Birthday suit junk.
All right, well, I'll be there, buddy.
I would love to come too.
You're not going, you're not going.
You're No one's coming, okay? Okay, what kind of friend would I be if you come to my soccer matches and I don't go to your art show? It's not my art show, and I'm never going to your soccer games.
You're going on Saturday and you're bringing juice boxes.
Here's what we're gonna do.
On the way to the art exhibit we're gonna stop and pick up wieners to eat.
So then when we show up to look at Danny's wiener we've already eaten wieners.
It gon' be a wiener night.
No, it's not.
It's not gonna be a weiner night.
Can I have a plus-one to your wiener night thing? I'm thinking of inviting that snobby guy Jason to come to it.
No, you're not doing that and it's not called "wiener night," okay? If anything it should be called "injustice night.
" Well, I think that "wiener night" has really taken off as a nickname.
Why are you seeing that guy again? Wasn't he really insulting to you? Yes, he was, Danny, but it bothers me that he thinks he's so much better than me and he's not.
I just want to prove it to him.
Oh, good, I'm glad this can all be worked out over photos of my genitals.
I'm sorry, were you forced to take those photos against your will? Or did you take them as, like, sexy time with your wife? Okay.
Okay, that's what I thought, okay.
Jason Richmond.
So I know you think I'm really lame because I can't quote Shakespeare or the pledge of allegiance but I'll have you know that I am going to a very artsy-fartsy thing tonight.
You don't know the Pledge of Allegiance? Nope, and get this, the artist Christina Porter, is the ex-wife of a work acquaintance of mine.
Okay, doctor, I am very impressed.
Are you inviting me? Maybe if you play your cards right you'll find your Pulitzer in bed.
I'm confused by the tone of this phone call.
Bye, love you.
What? Okay, so you didn't know that she took the photos? I would have to answer yes.
I did know that.
But you didn't sign a release.
What's a release? The paper she had me sign? Yes, I did sign it.
But I wasn't paying attention 'cause the Kennedy Center was honoring Cream that night.
Anyway, it doesn't give her the right to show the whole world my undercarriage.
Okay, well, I'm probably just gonna have to view the photographs for myself and really, you know, suss the situation out, which is too bad, 'cause I had plans tonight.
Oh, did you? 'Cause I had plans too.
To not have all of Manhattan staring down the barrel of my urethra.
Oh, whoa, whoa.
That's too vivid.
All right? Excuse me one sec, Cliff.
Hey Ma, what do you want? Yeah, how'd you hear about it? Are you ki No, you're not You're not coming.
No, I know you've seen it but it's changed.
I was a baby.
It's changed.
Ma! Come on, come on, you're fine.
You're being very dramatic.
I'm dramatic? Yes.
You tried to shut down the M&M store because you thought the brown lady M&M stole your look.
She is stealing my look.
You know what? I'm not doing this.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, come on.
You're doing this.
The best thing you can do right now is to go there, look Christina in the eye, and show her that this does not bother you.
Yeah? Yeah, and it shouldn't bother you.
We're doctors.
We can handle nudity.
Oh, my God, is horrible, we shouldn't have come.
Okay, stop.
You said we're adults.
We can handle this.
I can see every hair follicle.
Oh, man.
This isn't good.
It's a nightmare.
I know I have one, but it's still funny.
This is what makes you laugh.
Look, I don't know what to tell you, man.
There's nothing funnier than penises.
I can't even get through saying my name without laughing.
Ask me my name.
What's your name? Pet Stop it.
Dude, stop it.
Ask me my name.
What's your name? P Come on.
Why must everything be settled by tussling? Oh, my God, Tamra, you look like Christie Brinkley.
I know, Morgan.
These photos are scandalous.
Ray Ron took a picture of me in a bikini once.
I was so mad.
But then he sent it to this modeling agency.
And now I'm on shampoo bottles in Japan.
Holy Christmas.
I don't know.
Personally, I want a guy so rich he can just let himself go.
But not so fat where he has to get cut out the house.
C is a masterpiece.
Again, though, I just want me a rich fatty.
You know, like those cats with the cigars.
His skin is so taut I just want to know it.
Guys, I'm so sorry you have to see this.
Oh You okay? You look good for an old-ass man.
I'm in my 30s! Late 30s.
So, Cliff, are you enjoying the nudes? Uh, no.
Danny hired me to get this shut down.
You are getting a lot of business from us.
And yet none of you pay me.
Nor do you seem to care that I'm a divorce lawyer.
Hey, um, one thing.
Please don't get it shut down before I can show my date how sophisticated I am.
Oh, you've got a date.
That's why you're dressed like this.
Usually you look like a pinata.
Okay, I like to wear colors.
And yes, I'm usually full of candy.
Sue me.
I had to give up Daughtry tickets for this.
Daughtry? Yeah.
I love Daughtry.
Well, you should've gone with my girlfriend who decided to go anyway.
That's a good sign, right? Hi.
Oh, hey.
Jason, this is Cliff.
Hi, Cliff.
Cliff is an attorney.
Nice to meet you, Jason.
And that's my client over there, getting hammered.
Uh, excuse me.
Hey, Danny.
I can't believe people are buying this crap.
It's flummoxing.
Okay, I'm flummoxed.
Listen, I'm sorry to tell you, but you really don't have a case.
This is all covered under the First Amendment.
-Well, today America loses.
-I'll make a note of it.
-Yeah Hey, listen, you know, you might have a case if the public were able to view these photographs.
You know, say, from the street.
Why are you winking at me? I just Think about what I said.
Yeah, yeah.
Full view of the street.
You can strip a man of his clothing but he's still got layers.
He can still hide.
Mindy, this is the longest you've ever gone without speaking.
What are your feelings on it? What aren't my feelings on it? The way that there's a certain sadness to his thigh meat.
The light, how it is refracting off of, um the nads.
Hey, I'm sorry that sounded really dumb.
Oh, no.
I'm a smart person.
I didn't mean to say, "nads.
" You no, say whatever you want.
It's art.
You're supposed to have fun with it.
Besides, I I think his nads are a triumph.
Oh, uh, Jeremy.
I want to introduce you to my friend Jason Richmond.
Oh, it's you! Hi.
I'm so sorry.
Here, I No, no, no, I'm Dr.
Jeremy Reed.
We invented culture.
Hello? 911? This is Mrs.
Emily Ferguson.
I was walking by the Woodsen gallery with my five children and our eyeballs were assaulted by lewdness.
Keep walkin'! Besides Gary Larson, who's an artist you follow? You know, I don't focus on individual artists so much as I do works of art.
Okay, so what's a favorite? The Japanese Bridge by Monet.
What's so funny? Oh, I thought you were kidding.
I'm sorry.
It's like if we were talking about music and you said that your favorite singer was Katy Perry.
Katy Perry is my favorite singer.
Are you Oh, you're serious.
Welcome, everyone, and thank you.
She's not even here? I thought the whole point was to throw this in my face.
Be quiet.
Your ex-wife is on the TV.
I'm a survivor.
A survivor who came out of a very dark time with a man focused on extinguishing my light.
What? Well, tonight I shine the light on him.
He's a monster.
Oh, my God.
She's captured his soul.
We are angels and we are devils.
We are reborn.
What? Such depth.
She's brought the beauty out of evil.
Okay, enough.
That's enough.
This is dumb.
This is not art.
Everything on these walls I could've done that with my phone.
Take a picture of my boobs.
I guess I'm an artist now too.
Okay, I'm gonna delete that.
I instagrammed it.
Damn it.
Ah! No, don't look.
Ah, got my new holiday card.
Yes, it would be extremely challenging to live with this man.
But he's a good guy, and I'm a good guy.
And I'm a good guy.
And so am I.
No you're not.
You're both okay, fine, meh.
I'm not as artsy and well-read as I wish I was.
But you know when I was very well-read? When I was studying in medical school to become a doctor.
Bet you didn't think with this bod that I had a brain too.
And pretty good boobs.
"Nip city" is trending.
And when I'm not delivering babies sure, I like to watch Real Housewives or listen to Katy Perry.
Oh, come on.
Don't pretend you don't like Katy Perry.
You're basing this on Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, why are you booing her? Because she doesn't quench your thirst for pornography? I get it.
Hold this.
You know what? I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of it.
You came here tonight for this.
This what you want? 'Cause I'll give it to you.
No, no, no, no.
Performance art! Yes! No, I wanna take it out.
You are drunk.
You're acting terribly.
Stop it.
What took you guys so long? So when the photos are displayed against my will it's art, but when I take out the real thing somehow I'm some kind of pervert? That is a good point.
No, it's not a good point, Mindy.
Let me do the lawyer stuff.
Officers, nothing really happened here tonight.
Right? No one's pressing charges.
I don't know who this Mrs.
Ferguson is who dialed 911, but I think we should just chalk this up to festering emotions between former lovers.
I know how that is.
What the hell does that mean? Don't start with me, Vicki.
Oh, I'm gonna start, Terry.
Cliff, I want to thank you.
What do we owe you? Well, let's see, at my normal rate it would be right around $7,000.
But this was an entertaining night, so why don't we call it pro bono for underprivileged Manhattan doctors? Hey, thank you.
You're welcome.
You looking for your guy friend? Yeah.
I think he left.
That makes sense.
The public indecency and the police showing up is a lot for a second date.
That's really more third date stuff.
Hey, Danny, I bought this! What part of you is it? My buddy's holding a picture of my butt.
You know what, why don't we get you some more coffee? Get you out of this room? Come on.
All right, shorty.
What do you say me and you grab a cup of coffee? No, thank you.
Hey, Danny.
I didn't recognize you with all your clothes on.
Okay, that's very insensitive, given my circumstances right now.
Can I have a puff? Thanks.
That's stupid.
You shouldn't smoke.
I'm a joke.
You're not a joke, Danny.
You have to be funny to be a joke.
I should move.
Some place where there's no art.
Like Iran or Utah.
Okay, that's enough.
Everyone came here tonight to see photos of your hot body.
And they called it art.
You know what people are saying about my boobs online? They're calling them "handsome.
" They did? Don't.
You think my body's hot? Ugh, you know that it is.
The guys at the gym You know, they make comments, but they're flirts.
I gotta tell you I really like that Cliff guy.
He's cool.
I mean, he has a girlfriend, but I couldn't help but wonder I mean I'd like him to be my friend.
Okay, God, cool it.
Danny, right? From the photos? Yeah.
Yeah, just keep moving.
He had a hard night.
I thought they were terrific.
Okay go.
You obviously want to go, just go.
Okay, I'm gonna go.
Just All right.
Daniel Castellano.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
What was your favorite photo? Hey.
What are you doing here? Uh, I came to talk to you.
I'm actually busy watching a video online of a baby who's startled by its own fart.
Mindy, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
You, um You invited me to an art opening because you thought that that's what I would like.
And I was rude and a judgmental snob.
Like James Spader in Pretty In Pink.
I'm sorry, did you just make a pop culture reference? You ain't seen nothing yet.
You think I'm pretty without any make-up on You think I'm funny When I tell the punch line wrong I know you get me so I let my walls come down Down Ugh.
That is so cliche.
Oh, no.
Mindy, if you could just one One more verse, if you don't mind.
It really took a long time to learn this, so Yeah, yeah, of course.
I mean, I don't mean to No, no.
When you met me I was all right, but things got You know what, this is silly, I can do this later.

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