The Mindy Project s02e08 Episode Script

You've Got Sext

[Lively string music.]
Oh, my God.
What? Oh, as a friend, I got to tell you, you look terrible.
I would never have sex with you looking like this.
Okay, I need you to stop using your ability to have sex with me as a barometer for how I should dress.
That's impossible.
It's ingrained.
Morgan, I've been working non-stop.
I don't have time to look my normal, glamorous self.
Okay, no, I'm sorry.
Being busy is not an excuse.
You know, feminism nowadays, it's all about reminding working women that they have to look hot, too.
It's like that book, lean in.
Lean in, by Sheryl Sandberg? Yeah, it's about how, you know, girls have to lean in, so their boobs look bigger.
Ugh No, it's not about that.
It's about Something else.
I didn't read it.
I think it is.
Hold the door.
Hold the door please.
Hi, cli Hi, Mindy.
Mindy, you look like you've been working hard.
Got any big plans tonight? I do, in fact.
I'm performing a c-section and then I'm going home to give myself an allergy test.
I've had these red itchy hives along my ribcage and I suspect it's a lanolin allergy, but tonight, I'll fin Um [Clears throat.]
What are you guys doing tonight? Yana and I are going to dinner and a play.
Friday night is a date night.
(Mindy) That's very nice.
Yana, what do you do? I'm How you say it? A ass model.
An ass model Yeah.
Yana was runner-up to miss universe this year.
Oh, my God.
That's how I know you.
You were so good in the Interview.
My favorite hobby is also activities.
You're so loud.
[Elevator dings.]
All right.
Well, talk to you later.
Bye, guys.
Have a good night.
See you.
The hell was that, you dweeb? I was cool, I thought.
That guy and you, you're supposed to be together.
Okay, Morgan.
Even if I liked him, it doesn't matter.
He's with the second-hottest woman in the universe.
You know, I'm not even the second-hottest person on the floor.
, especially since Doug became desiree.
Damn it.
No, no, no.
I want you to stay on that elevator.
You do not get off of here until you think about how you acted just now.
I have to be alone with my thoughts? Yes.
Oh, God.
[Upbeat music.]
Oh, Doris.
Can you please check lost and found for my purse.
It has my wallet and my keys and my phone in it.
And, um, you're super catholic, right? Just don't check the zipper compartment.
Manny is in charge of the lost and found, but he's on a date.
It's, you know, friday night.
Date night.
So that's, like, officially a thing now? Yeah.
Man, it's like there was a Taylor Swift song called friday night date night.
You know what? It's already my favorite song.
Why don't you stay at a hotel? You love dropping towels on the floor.
You tweeted that yesterday.
I can't pay, because I don't have my wallet.
You know what? Yeah? You live around here.
I should just spend the night at your place.
No, no, no.
Call one of your friends.
The only number I have memorized is my thai place.
They're not gonna let me spend the night, which is so unfair, because I know they have mattresses back there.
Please, Danny.
And you can't get on my computer, because the last time, you changed my WiFi network name to "leave Miley alone" and I don't know how to change it back.
Rule number two: Coasters, coasters, coasters.
I don't want to see your drinks just laying about.
Okay? Hey, what's wrong with you? What? You're all dreamy.
You know, I was just thinking about how when my mom was my age, she's already married and I was, like, five years old.
Don't worry.
She was probably just a child bride.
It's all messed up over there.
Hey, hey.
That's very offensive.
I'm sorry.
Ah, Danny.
What am I gonna do? If I had a boyfriend or a husband, he would have come and picked me up tonight and I wouldn't be in this situation.
I'm never gonna find anyone.
I just hope my parents don't mind that our blood line is gonna die with me.
Family's so important to us.
What about your brother, Rishi? Yes, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Forgot about him.
I forgot about him.
Yeah, you did.
(Woman on television) I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
[Both laughing.]
You know, that happened to me once, for real.
Green key weekend, Junior year.
Oh, my I aspirated on my own vomit.
Chris farley appeared to me and said, "it's not your time yet.
" Oh, my God.
Yeah, I know Whoa.
[Phone buzzing.]
My butt is buzzing.
What are you talking about? What is this? We got a padded bra, men's deodorant Rape whistle, plastic bag labeled "emergency underwear.
" Oh, my God.
This is Dr.
L's bag.
You shouldn't go through her stuff.
Yeah, no, no, no, you're Oh, dude.
She's got texts.
Yeah, let's go through it.
That's from cliff.
[Classical music playing.]
I knew it! I knew cliff was into Dr.
She'll just text him back tomorrow.
What? No, no, no.
You got to text him back right now.
No, no, no, no Yes.
If a girl doesn't respond to me immediately, that means she's either stuck up, dead, or living in an elevator all three of which are deal breakers.
That is such a quick reply.
"Your competence is a double-edged sword"? This nerd is horned up.
All right.
(Danny) It's so much better being single.
No commitment, no long hair in the drain.
No finding my toothbrush wet because someone used it and thought I wouldn't notice.
But Danny, if you rinse a toothbrush after you use it, it's like no one used it.
What about you? You're always crushing on some cheeseball.
Well, there is someone, but But what? Who's the next victim? I feel a little weird telling you, actually.
'Cause we work in the same place and he's out of my league.
He'd never be interested in me.
Morgan thinks we'd be great together, but whenever we see each other, we fight and argue.
It doesn't matter.
Let's just go to your place.
I'm cold, Danny.
Oh, boy [Sniffs.]
Danny, you smell good.
Is that cologne? What? No.
No, no, no.
I don't smell good.
It's deodorant.
Leave me alone.
Danny? Hey! Oh, my God.
It's my crazy neighbor.
I hooked up with her.
She's obsessed with me.
Do me a favor, hold my hand, okay? You want me to pretend to be your girlfriend? No um, yeah.
No! Yeah I mean, just for a second.
Hey! Hi.
Hi I feel like you've been avoiding me.
Did you lose your phone? Your computer? Your ability to hear your doorbell? No.
He found true love.
With his fiancee, which is me.
[Phone beeps.]
Oh, whoa.
Gee, he's fast.
Oh, he's answering a question with a question.
He's into her.
Watch this.
Ah, that's good.
Now, put a winky face on it.
Are you kidding me? A winky face? That's like emoji porn.
Yeah, that's the point.
Get to texting.
Winky face.
Winky face.
Winky face.
(Mindy) Winky face.
No way.
(Cliff) Winky face.
Winky face! [Both laughing.]
(Amy) So you're engaged.
How long have you guys been together then? Short version? We met in St.
We met through mutual friends at the resort's communal dining table.
First night, we wanted to kill each other.
Second night, I told the maitre D', "seat me anywhere except next to this jerk.
" Call it fate, but that night, we fell in love.
And we made love.
And that's where we cup with this guy.
Yeah, I'm with child.
It's a boy.
It's too early to tell people, but we're just so excited.
I'm so happy for you guys.
It's such a romantic story.
Where's your ring? It was a blood diamond and we had to give it back to Africa.
We gave it back.
What are you gonna do, right? (Both) So Let's, ah we're gonna head up upstairs.
Okay, we'll see you later.
Got to get started on baby number two, know what I mean? [Chuckles.]
I do I'm sorry, I never got your name.
It's Chloe.
Chloe Silverado.
Chloe Silverado.
[Playful orchestral music.]
[Phone beeping.]
Tell him you're taking a bath and that your boobs are dirty and that you wish someone could help clean them.
No, I'm sorry, Dr.
I can't do this.
It's getting raunchy.
Morgan, come on.
Think about it.
Cliff is a normal guy.
His life is really boring.
Until one night, cliff gets into a very sexy text situation with a girl that goes a little too far.
Mindy does this for him, cliff gets hooked for good [Claps.]
Make it so.
(Mindy) I can't believe the only snack you had is sugar cubes.
Danny? Danny.
Do you know how the windmill works? It is unbelievable.
It's so messed up.
All right, look.
I think it'd be better if you read your book in here and I'll go in the other room with my Ludlum.
Actually, I'm sleepy.
Danny, can we just go to bed now, please? Yeah.
Different beds.
Ah, I'm gonna grab you a pillow for the couch.
That's interesting, 'cause when my cousin comes to visit me, I give her my bed and then, like, I sleep on the couch.
Great, so you have experience sleeping on couches.
(Male narrator on TV) Throughout the entire African subcontinent, the population has become increasingly few and far between.
Danny? Hey, what are you What are you doing in here? Come on.
Are you watching the nature channel? I love this.
It makes me so happy I don't live in those places.
Yeah? No, don't I like this side smooth.
(Male narrator on TV) A thrilling sex ritual so vigorous and titillating it is said to have inspired Oh, boy.
Okay, don't no.
Of all the things frogs do, all the very interesting things they do, you're gonna show me this? No.
Okay, here we go.
Creature feature.
What is this? (Mindy) I really don't like scary movies.
Oh, God.
Don't go over there.
(Mindy) I can't stop talking when I'm scared.
Ah! Okay.
Danny, Danny, I'm so scared.
All right.
Okay, let go.
Why did you make me watch that? Let go.
Okay, that's enough.
That's enough.
Get your legs off me now.
This has gone far enough.
We need to talk.
I think you're right.
I admit it.
I farted.
I did it because I was scared, and it was wrong and we should talk about it.
No, not about that.
Okay, I spilled red wine on your sofa cushion.
And yes, I turned it over.
And then I got chocolate syrup on that.
I wrapped it up with blankets and I thought you'd just blame it on your maid.
Okay, stop admitting things to me.
I farted again.
Stop! And stop farting, okay? We need to talk about this.
You and me.
Okay? Yeah, okay.
No, not here.
Not in my bed.
Out there.
I was very comfortable lying in your bed.
Okay, that's inappropriate, all right? I don't know why we have to come out here.
But why? [Screams.]
Oh! So Chloe, how much do you know about your fiancée? (Cliff) Oh, my goodness, Dr.
[Phone buzzing.]
(Both) Yes! [Phone buzzing.]
(Both) No! So Danny probably told you I was crazy, right? I would never say that.
Yes, he did.
Look, I did the math.
Danny had sex with me while you were pregnant.
What? A lot.
Daniel, is this true? It is possible.
I think it could be possible.
Argh! Bastard.
That was a lot harder than it needed to be.
I feel like I must hear every detail, although it will be painful to hear it.
Well, well, well.
Cliff, the lawyer from our building.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought, ah Is Mindy here? Yeah, Mindy's here.
She wouldn't miss her annual veterans day party.
Get in here man.
Come on.
Come on.
Come in, you.
This is a beautiful overcoat.
Yes, you look great, by the way.
Heather! Hi.
It's, ah, Morgan.
How are you? Good.
We're actually having a pretty cool event in here.
Some single guys Single girls? You should, uh, check it out.
If you think you can handle it.
I was gonna fold my laundry, but I can't miss an event like this.
Guess my laundry's getting folded tomorrow.
I'll be right back.
I might quickly fold my laundry.
Yes (Mindy) So Danny was kind of a sex freak, huh? (Amy) Yeah.
And then there were times when he didn't even want to have sex.
You know, he just wanted to eat melted chocolate off my butt.
Okay, it's getting late.
I think my fiancee has heard about as much as she can handle.
Amy, I want to thank you for your honesty, and, while deeply saddened by this, I think I'm gonna stick with Danny, like Hilary or Huma, or Silda, or, briefly, Maria shriver, before she was like, "wait, why am I doing this? I'm the rich one" Okay, Amy, I'm gonna need my key back now.
She had your key? Yeah.
Well, yeah, you know? We were spending most nights together and So, you were spending most nights together? Yeah, and in the morning, he'd make pancakes.
Pancakes? Blueberry.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Amy, do you mind waiting here for one second? Hey, buddy.
Guess what? There is a sociopath here, and it's not Amy, Danny.
It's you.
What? You do not make pancakes for someone who is "just a hook-up.
" I've been told that by, like, ten different guys.
Okay, I'm Italian.
I like to cook.
Come back here.
Admit to me that you are not this cool player who can just hook up with whoever.
Yes, I guess I get a little lonely sometimes.
You know, if it's a little drizzly out or if I see photos of the first family doing that Easter egg hunt.
Oh, Danny, do you get lonely some? Yes, that's what I just said.
Okay, you don't have to scream at me.
Can we go out there and tell her to go, please? Yes.
But first, you need to make this right.
(Cliff) Is Indy still on that salsa run? You have bigger things to worry about, my friend, like this triple word score.
You know, you implied you were bad at this game.
Perhaps I was being disingenuous.
You were.
Wait a second.
This is way too many letters, man.
Are you sure? [Phone chimes.]
Daddy likes.
Huh? Huh? [Rattling.]
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
My hippo was the hungriest.
Let's play again.
Let's play again.
You know, I actually think I'm gonna take off, man.
What? No, but, I love you.
And that is why my brother has no hair on the left side of his body.
That is the most amazing story I've ever heard in my life.
It's crazy.
I I don't What are you doing? Hey, cliff is about to leave.
We need to introduce him to this chick that is cornering everybody in endless conversations.
Ah! You can't leave until you have met my friend, Heather.
Oh! You have the best stories.
He's the best listener.
I'm Heather.
Ah, hi.
I manage a teeth whitening clinic in Chelsea.
Sparkle tooth concepts.
(Mindy) Amy, Danny has something he'd like to tell you.
How you been? Come on.
Just can you please? Fine.
Okay, so I definitely liked you, but I guess I kept it going on so long because [Sighs.]
Maybe I was a little lonely.
He was lonely Thank you for saying that, Danny.
You're welcome.
Actually, I realize that she has a lot more to be angry about than I do.
I do.
[Inhales sharply.]
I'm so sorry, angel.
Apologize to our baby.
I'm sorry, baby.
Tell it to him.
I'm so I'm so sorry, buddy.
So we have a lot that we need to work on.
I will say that I am happy you came by.
It was painful, for sure, but ultimately, I think it was worth it.
It was very painful, but it was good and so we're gonna (Mindy) Call it a night.
Yeah, let's call it a night.
You know, maybe we'll get a bite to eat sometime.
You know, me, you, and Mindy, we'll just do our thing.
Who who's Mindy? Her.
I'm my name is Chloe, Danny.
Mindy's someone he works with.
We get confused all the time, so Chloe, Mindy What is going on here? What? What? Nothing.
We're just a couple in love with each other.
Are you in a relationship with each other or not? Of course.
Yes! (Mindy) Look at of course.
This is what Yes.
Oh yeah.
Okay, this is real.
Danny never looked at me like that.
Plus, you are clearly very pregnant.
So You're a lucky woman, Chloe Silverado.
I don't know if very pregnant is how I would describe me, but okay.
All right, let's go.
It's just weird, because you're an attorney, I'm a teeth whitener Right.
We're both just searching for what's underneath the film of lies or Why don't you keep talking, and then I'll catch up, and we'll, uh, be good.
All right.
Thank you, cliff.
Mindy? It's cliff.
Listen, I just want to say that I apologize if our texting thing got a little intense and you got scared off.
You know, but look Now that I'm here, I really I just, I don't know I just want to get to know you better.
I think you're really cool and, you know, the most exciting text I got from you all night was the first one.
Mindy? Mindy? Oh Did you guys kill her? Did you kill her? Is she dead because of you? Oh, God.
It's happening.
It's happening.
If I wanted to kill Mindy, I wouldn't do it myself.
Hit man, bro.
Yeah, he'd call someone like me and I would do it.
That's exactly how I envision it going down.
That's not what's happening here though.
Did she send me those texts or not? We did.
(Morgan) I would like you to know oh, my God.
That even though we were seducing you for our coworker, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little turned on myself.
Me too, if that will make you feel better.
It won't, okay? It truly and profoundly will not.
Yep, I can see how it wouldn't so here's what I need you guys to do.
I need you to delete those texts before Mindy sees them.
Or you'll sue us.
Or I will kill you.
I give this party a "C.
" Oh, there you are.
Oh, hey.
What's up? Hey, I think I talked to everyone at the party, so I was gonna go.
Do you want to come back to my place? I'm sorry wha Wait, what? Um, I just think you're cute and nice, so why not cut to the chase? You know, I have had a very frustrating evening, so that sounds pretty good.
Well, that could have gone worse, huh? Just delete those texts.
Mindy won't know anything about it.
Already taken care of.
I'm gonna go clean up.
(Mindy) You know, Danny, at this point, if you and I pooled our money together, we could buy Greece.
I'd have to share Greece with you though.
Eh, we'll figure it out.
You know that guy you were telling me about? The one you work with.
I think you should know, he's not out of your league.
You're great.
That's very nice of you to say.
I mean it.
I love that you said that.
And I'm gonna do it.
When I get home, I'm gonna call cliff and ask him out.
Wait, what? Cliff Gilbert.
Your friend, the attorney.
Wait, who did you think I was talking about? Cliff Gilbert, from from down the hall.
He's like, 50? No, I think he's younger than you.
Oh, he is? His eyes are kind of They're close together, aren't they? His beautiful, perfect blue eyes? I don't think so.
Cliff Gilbert.
How about that? [Sighs.]
Purse, you're here! (Heather) Hi, Mindy, it's Heather.
Great party.
I wish we'd gotten to chat more.
You looked so pretty.
I just wanted to update you Cliff and I hung out last night and one thing led to another Well, it is pretty exciting.
And I owe it all to you.
Okay, bye.
What the hell? [Phone chiming.]

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