The Mindy Project s02e09 Episode Script

Mindy Lahiri is a Racist

Morning, campers.
Anyone catch tuesday boozeday this morning? Hoda was on fire.
All right, Dr.
Stop, stop.
Do you have any meat products on your person? What's going on? What's going on is I'm sick of getting bit by dogs every time I try to rescue them, so I'm testing my new armguard.
Right, you're gonna need a dog, aren't you, to train Oh.
Is it bad that he's frothing? We are not doing this, Morgan.
Look, Tamra's my fail-safe.
I'll tranq his ass out.
We have patients coming.
It will take one second or seven dog seconds.
Just wait.
Please, Dr.
Okay, Betsy.
One, two, three.
Let him go.
I'm ordering you not to release him.
Come on, come on Ah, oh, oh, ow! There, Tamra! Fire! Aah! No, you're missing it.
Fire again.
I'm trying! I'm trying! Keep shooting! You're missing Okay! Oh, my God.
I feel good now.
Morgan, what have we learned from this? Dr.
Lahiri, you have every right to be furious with me.
Wait, Dr.
L? I know you can hear me.
I got your favorite doughnut, Boston cream with bacon shavings.
Now do you forgive me? No, my Are you crazy? Dr.
L, okay, I know You might be a little mad or maybe on your period.
You know what? I am a little mad at you.
And I'm a lot on my period.
You send sexual texts to my crush from my phone.
Now, cliff's dating the girl down the hall and not me.
Are you insane? Well, that's impossible to answer.
Insane people don't know they're insane, Dr.
This doughnut is still good, for the record.
Yes, Morgan, I like cliff.
Do I like how you went about it? No.
Do I like having his texts in my phone? Kinda, sometimes I like it twice in the same night.
Oh, my God.
Hold, hold Cliff.
Nice day.
Oh, hi.
It is a beautiful day.
How's Heather? Heather's good.
Yeah, uh, tonight, I'm taking her to the new Cirque Du Soleil show about the history of video games.
Hmm, that sounds fun, almost as fun as you taking my bra off with your teeth? Oh.
That is a direct quote from one of my texts.
You didn't delete them? I did not.
But That's just the end of the sentence.
I-I did not delete them.
Still friends? No, we're not friends, Morgan.
I think you are a bad person.
No, cliff, take that back.
Take that back.
It's so rare to find a practice in Manhattan these days with such a, I don't know, wholesome roster of doctors.
You, the British doctor, the handsome one.
Handsome one? You already said me.
You know, I've been singing your praises on my mommy blog.
Oh, thank you so much.
Aah! Tamra! I didn't mean to.
You cannot shave your legs in the bathroom anymore! I just slipped in a puddle, and I hurt my hip very badly.
Help me up.
I couldn't shave at home.
Ray Ron turned our bathroom into a recording studio.
You know what? You're banned from the bathroom.
You have to use the bathroom across the way at the coffee shop.
I'm banned from that one.
Of course, I'm not crazy about everyone here, but I guess every place has to have at least one of them, right? A mouthy drama queen? Yes.
Okay, senior partners, how do we spend the surplus? You know, I have an idea.
I think we should invest in a lactation consultant.
Think about it.
You know what? Breast-feeding's like baseball.
The less you think about it, the better you do.
I have an idea.
Oh, we gotta buy a table at the golden globes.
Oh, come on.
There's us, the cast of glee, the cast of scandal, the cast of Okay, senior partners? I have an idea about what to do with the extra revenue.
What if instead of waiting for the patients to come to us, we go to them? I know this vehicle that we could fix up, turn into a mobile clinic.
Wait, wait, wait, you're just trying to scam us into buying your friend's old party bus.
Yes, it is a party bus, and yes, I did lose my virginity there.
But if we refurbish it, take down the pole Peter, I think you should stick to thinking up drinking games.
Okay, just because I'm pretty does not mean I'm a receptionist.
Those midwives told me to tell y'all they're here.
Let's go.
For the last time, we're not getting hand dryers.
I like using paper towels too much.
That's not the reason for our visit.
As you all know, Tracy Whitfield will be running for congress to represent our part of the city of New York.
Okay, it's New York City, pal.
Duncan and I believe that he represents this district's greatest hope.
And we think it's cool that he's black.
Extremely cool.
So we assumed you won't mind if we hang a few posters in your office.
Hey, I know that guy.
We went to dartmouth together.
That guy can drink.
Dartmouth? What's his platform, hire Dave Matthews to rewrite the national anthem? I think we're good.
You don't even know what he stands for.
Yeah, but I know if you guys like him, we don't.
Good-bye, Deslauriers.
Yeah, bounce.
Come on, Duncan, let's go back upstairs to the 21st century.
Okay, smell you later.
Hey, Mindy? Could I talk to you for a second? You know, Peter, I'm really busy with work right now.
I don't have time to listen to your Borat impression "My wife.
" I'm getting the vibe that you and the other doctors maybe don't respect my ideas.
No, you have plenty of great ideas, like trailer trash Thursday.
I know that I'm a C.
, captain of the party patrol, but I wanna be I.
, involved in business decisions.
I wanna be a senior partner, S.
Uh, no.
Peter, you're a Junior partner.
That's so much cooler than senior partner 'cause there's, like, only one of you.
We have, like, no expectations for you.
For instance, I'm a great leader, but I can't move heavy furniture for the life of me.
Where are we going? 'Cause I'm, like, so petite, you know? I don't have the upper-body strength.
Is that the end of the conversation? Yes! Well, well, well, well, well.
Look who's an Internet blog.
You wear reading glasses? Yep.
Oh, are those the kind that connect in the middle? My aunt Cora has them.
They're really red, Dr.
Okay, enough with the glasses.
Listen to this.
"Despite des "Despite the name, Shulman & Associates "is a refreshing return to traditional values.
Most of the doctors are pure of heart and pure of blood.
" Aren't I always saying I'm pure of heart, huh? "Dr.
Castellano knows that the first hands "that touch your precious baby should be Ivory white.
" Oh, my God.
com"? What the hell's going on? "It's often a hardship for an aryan woman "to find appropriate medical care on the island of" "Jew-hattan"? Oh, my God, Danny.
This is a white power website.
C, you always getting played out.
No, no, no, no, I'm not getting played out here.
I'll tell you what happened is something got mixed up.
Okay, these things happen.
It's a fringe site.
I'm sure not many people read it.
Everyone back to work.
But I don't Mindy, where are you going? You need to rethink your politics, my friend.
This is I didn't whitemommy? whitemommy.
com? I know that Sarah is a family name.
Ever since I saw that first sonogram, I just thought "katniss" for this baby.
Anyway, ask your husband, see what he thinks.
See you in a couple weeks.
Danny, Danny, Danny, Danny.
Why am I hearing the midwives? We will not tolerate the opinions of whitemommy.
We will tolerate intelligent debate, but we will not tolerate intolerance in this building.
I know you see me.
Damn it.
Those little bitches.
So what is the color of love? What the hell, Deslaurier? Why are you picketing us? We are not picketing.
This is a vibrant discussion about race.
So what? We discuss race all the time.
Just yesterday, we were talking about who's hotter, Derek Jeter or Eli Manning.
Jeter won.
Don't know who that is.
Are you kidding me? You don't know Danny, it's okay, it's okay.
Stop, stop, stop.
It's not worth it.
I would like to say this is outrageous.
This practice loves people of all races.
Hmm, very interesting coming from you.
That's right, I did a little research, Dr.
Jeremy Reed, born 1980, Johannesburg, South Africa.
Everybody upstairs now.
Let's regroup.
Hitler, the kkk, Shulman & Associates.
Okay, that's crazy.
This is Priscilla Lane, the top PR consultant in the city.
She knows what she's talking about.
She handled Taylor Swift's hit-and-run.
What? I didn't know that Taylor Swift had Oh.
Now, look, your practice is in danger of eviction, a lawsuit.
Your medical license is coming under review.
You need a strategy.
I am Indian.
I can't be racist.
Oh, please, you only hook up with white guys.
I've hooked up with every race of woman.
How dare you? I went to second base with my friend Korean Justin.
His hands were so small.
It made my boobs feel enormous.
Everything you just said was racist.
PR consultant.
What a joke.
I remember when "PR" meant "puerto rican.
" Have you learned nothing? Now you're just trying to be offensive.
Listen to her.
That's not how we talk.
Danny? Yeah? Since you are the focus of the blog, I will give you one-on-one media training to prep you for your interviews.
What, me? Mindy and your nurse Tamra will issue a statement asserting that they love to work here.
Are there other African-American employees? Yes, Jerry, the orderly with the hot body.
No, his name's Reggie.
No one named Reggie or Jerry has ever worked here.
Mindy, you and Tamra will go to dinner.
You will write a statement.
I am on it.
A fancy restaurant that still has big portions.
p? I need advice.
Oh, yeah? Cliff said I was a bad person.
Well, I told you to delete those text messages.
Oh, what if I got him a gift? Mm-hmm? I have hundreds and thousands of betas, like betamax tapes.
As amazing as that sounds, I don't think he wants a gift.
He's a guy.
He probably just wants to beat the crap out of you.
Look, guys, leftovers.
The senior partners said we support staff could have at them.
Hey, Tamra, you made it.
I already ordered for us and ate all our appetizers.
Should we order more? What up, Dr.
Larry? I'm Ray Ron, pleased to meet your acquaintance.
Ah, Ray Ron.
I've heard so much about you.
Thanks for dropping Tamra off.
Oh, you know, Ray Ron, this is actually kind of a work thing, so I only got a table for two.
He doesn't trust me to eat dinner alone because this one time, I ate next to Mandy Patinkin, and he fell in love with me.
Damn, I hope they have lobster here.
I'm real allergic, but I love how expensive it is.
So, Tamra, our statement.
It needs to combine your bold attitude and my fierce realness.
Gonna be kind of a Fun assignment, I think.
All right, let's try this again.
I'm going to be a reporter, and I'm going to ask you some questions.
What? That's what I bench.
It's not a lot, but I can do 12 reps.
that's not that many reps.
Look, you need the skills to change the conversation.
I'll change the conversation.
Your profession's a joke, okay? When it comes to least respected jobs, it goes male model, mugger, PR person, nothing.
You're a grouchy bastard.
You're a cold-blooded vulture.
How do you like that for changing the conversation? Oh, God, you are so lame.
Please shut up.
And the practice has given me the confidence to reach for the stars.
I actually borrowed that line from a college essay about computer camp.
Yo, these chicken tenderonis is tight as hell.
That's calamari, r-dub.
You know, squid.
Squid? Oh.
I ain't no played-out whale.
Hey, you can't do that at a restaurant, okay? Ray Ron, is there no place that you need to be? Something to do? Oh, yeah.
I'ma go outside and vaporize.
Tamra? Hey, Tamra? I'm sorry.
I, like, hate him so much.
He's such a deadbeat, and not the hot kind that Beyonce sings songs about.
The kind that Britney sings songs about? Hey, hold up, Dr.
Ray Ron might be uneducated, unvaccinated, and he has webbed feet Ugh.
But he respects me.
And I love him.
Tamra, I think that you need to be with someone more like you.
You know what? You can finish that statement by yourself.
I'ma take Ray Ron home and make him massage my back with his messed-up feet.
Tamra, I already told them it was my birthday.
There's cake coming.
Hey, have you really been with every race of girl? Pretty much, except for one.
Which one? None of your business.
What like pacific islander? Oh, God.
Italian? That's not Okay, come on.
I'd now like to invite someone up who's experienced the racism of Shulman & Associates firsthand.
What? Tamra? against the obgs we sing a song wait, i'm a racist now? What, it's a rally now? Now, sister Tamra, you work at Shulman & Associates.
Tell us, how much is it like What? Well, Dr.
Lahiri did say I had to use a separate bathroom.
Yes, I did.
It was only because you were making a huge mess.
The midwives believe all ethnicities should procreate until we have one gorgeous caramel-colored race.
Is that from your seventh-grade diary when you had that epiphany? She said I had to dump my white boyfriend to get with someone more like me.
Wait, wait, okay, no.
I only meant smart and attractive like she is.
You called him a deadbeat.
What? He is a deadbeat.
If you knew him, you would understand.
You think he's a deadbeat, right? No, I love him.
I love everyone.
And it's okay to call a white person a deadbeat No, it's not.
Or uppity or lazy.
Okay, okay, that's enough.
That's fine to call Well, he is, Danny.
No, no.
Tamra, Tamra! Shulman & Associates, ladies and gentlemen, where it's okay to call people names.
I'm telling you, we should've hung those Whitfield signs.
He's a cool guy.
You know in college, he took a bunch of mushrooms and then Hey, priss.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
One of my clients just spit on a paparazzi.
I can't say who, but his name rhymes with "Shmalec Shmaldwin.
" Danny, get up there and fix this.
Um, I actually don't think he's quite ready yet.
I could go.
Obviously not, Peter.
We've spent thousands.
Danny's ready.
Get up.
Hold on, hold on.
Hold on, we have a surprise speaker, Daniel Castellano, the cover boy for whititemommy.
com Just give me that.
Give me that.
Okay, o Okay, sit Look, I can talk to you about race relations all day long, but I'm gonna change the conversation.
You know how many black friends I had growing up? Four.
Count 'em.
He counts his black friends, everybody.
That says it all right there.
You don't change the conversation by telling people you're changing the conversation.
Well, I wish you'd have told me that instead of having sex with me.
I'm going.
Priss, priss, priss, don't go.
First, it's racism.
Now, it's awkward sexual misconduct in the workplace.
Call me old-fashioned.
I find this a little weird.
Wouldn't you guys prefer to give birth in a place that's more sensitive, maybe one floor up? Wait a minute.
Is that what this is about? You wanna take over our business? How dare you? This is a discussion of racism.
Wait, wait, wait.
What do you want? And I'm here to give it to you.
Kick my ass.
What? No.
Come on.
I knew you were gonna say that.
Big meat.
Big meat here, he's gonna give me what I deserve.
He owes me.
Tookers helped me move.
Twice, okay? Back up.
No, this is for you.
Give it to me hard, just not in the teeth 'cause my smile's my moneymaker.
No, stop, nobody's hitting anybody.
Do it! Oh.
What the hell? Run, run, go.
Go to the Bronx zoo.
I'll call you later.
Oh, my God.
Thank you, Duncan, for those illuminating words from Langston Hughes.
We have an exciting update, everyone.
Several news vans are on their way to help spread our message.
We're gonna get crucified.
If only Olivia pope was here.
Oh, and Tracy Whitfield himself is here to lend his voice to our chorus of outrage.
But, Peter, you know Tracy Whitfield from the university of "dart-mouth.
" Yeah, I've said that, like, five times today.
He's the one that stopped me from getting my arm branded.
Go talk to him.
Make this go away.
Please, Peter, help us.
You need my help? Yes, we do.
The Junior partner is gonna help this We need help.
Please go do it.
Please, please.
We're so sorry.
Okay, relax.
I'm on it.
Hey, yo, Whitfield! Hey.
That is not my friend.
I made a horrible mistake.
What what the hell's wrong with you? Peter! Okay, that was very racist.
Cliff, I should never have duped you into a sexual text conversation.
I'm sorry.
Okay, thank you.
I'm also a little not.
Could've just ended it there.
No, I'm not sorry because Mindy really liked you.
And I think you had a case of the hornies for her.
I'm not really crazy about "case of the hornies," and I'm with Heather now.
And look, I don't think that you're a bad person, okay? I just I just I find you to be somewhat Unbearable.
Yes, some of you are angry.
We cannot tolerate discrimination, and I will shut these doctors down.
In my defense, I was drunk every time I hung out with the guy I thought that was.
Well, I'm going to do the dignified thing and join the protesters.
Maybe we need to get Priscilla to come back.
No? Tomorrow, across the district.
Next year, to the halls of congress.
Excuse me, guys.
Maybe all the way to the White House! Who's with me? I never thought I'd live to see a second black President.
Hey, Tamra.
It makes me sick to think that you might think I'm a racist.
I know you're not racist, Dr.
Then why are you doing this? You are a little Anti-semitic, I know.
But you know what? I'm probably gonna marry one.
No, you can be condescending to the people under you at work.
Something, you get a little Downton Abbey.
You've seen Downton Abbey? See? That's condescending.
So when you told me not to date Ray Ron, a man who redefines my universe spiritually and gets disability 'cause of his neck, I just felt disrespected.
Okay, okay, all right.
Listen, Tamra, I do not look down on anyone.
I'm so sorry.
Okay, girl.
I do look down on Ray Ron.
I'll try to get to know him better.
We can't let these doctors turn the clock back a hundred years.
For one thing, I'd miss my smartphone.
Gotta have my smartphone.
All right, I've had enough of this.
Excuse me.
We need to send a message that hatemongers like Shulman & Associates will disappear like slavery and apartheid.
This message is more than Excuse me, Mr.
Whitfield? Do you mind if I say something? Um Just give her the mic.
She'll give us more to protest.
Shut up.
Uh, sure.
Thank you.
Okay, I know you're all very angry right now.
I just wanna say one thing, which is my name is Mindy Lahiri, and I am not a racist.
Sure, I tell edgy jokes sometimes, but people really like that.
It's good for morale in this economy.
Are you kidding me? Moreover More importantly, Shulman & Associates are not racists.
We help women who are poor, who are uninsured, of almost every ethnicity.
In fact Oh, one of our doctors, Dr.
Danny Castellano, he told me this morning that he has had sex with women of almost every single race.
Don't say my name.
There he is, right there.
Danny Castellano.
What are you do you've had sex with a woman of every race.
That's personal.
Doesn't that bring a tear to your eye? No? Okay.
Um, another doctor of ours is spearheading a mobile health unit initiative.
Once a month, our practice will take a van, and we're gonna go to low-income areas, and we're gonna help women in need.
Actually, some of the areas, I think, are in your district, Mr.
So, um, connection.
The point is Shulman & Associates Not racists.
Thank you very much.
Whitman 2014.
Was it okay that I mentioned your sex partners? No, I didn't like that.
Was it okay.
Our district could actually use that mobile medical unit.
You know, part of fighting for justice is knowing when to put down your weapons and accept an olive branch.
No, no, wait, wait, wait.
This is not an olive branch.
This is a master's whip they're handing you.
Ooh, hey, listen up, man.
You're starting to make me feel uncomfortable, all right? And you're kind of wasting my time.
These people are barely racist.
Wait So the mobile health idea kind of I don't know, I think it saved the day.
What would be a good thank-you gift for me? What about making me senior partner? Fine.
Noice! And I'ma be senior partner too.
No, you're the nurse.
Go back up to work.
You wasted a lot of our time, Tamra.
All right, let's get back.
Hey, Mindy.
Hi, I just wanted to tell you that I really admire your passion.
Thank you.
You remind me of Winston Churchill.
Yeah, the way you speak, the way you walk.
And I'd love to hear more about that mobile medical unit you got.
Really? Yeah.
Well, maybe we can talk more about it over dinner sometime.
That'd be great.
I'll bring Tyra.
Who? Tyra banks.
She and I are dating.
She's my girlfriend.
Get out of here.
I don't have time for this.
Yes, senior partner.
Junior senior partner.
Have you talked to Priscilla? Nah.
Not feeling it.
That's what she told me.
Hey, Jerry.
Good morning, Dr.
All right, relax.

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