The Mindy Project s05e12 Episode Script

Mindy Lahiri Is a White Man

1 Thank you for coming to this job interview, Dr.
" - Lahiri.
- You sure about that? Just ask me the goddamn questions.
[clears throat.]
Why should you be the next head of obstetrics at Saint Brendan's? Well, I'm extremely passionate about the department, and I am the owner of a very successful fertility clinic.
And I was recently made honorary captain of a booze cruise, so Practicing for your interview, I see.
Well, isn't that precious? I don't really need to practice.
I just look like a leader.
Okay, well, these days leaders are more likely to look like me.
Michelle Obama, Kamala Harris, Gabrielle Union.
Well, Mindy, I just hope you're not too torn up when I swoop in and steal this job out from under you.
Let me remind you we work in gynecology, and you ain't got no vagina.
True, but what I lack in vaginal ownership, I more than make up for in extracurricular research.
And I've been told I have a very paintable face, perfect for boardroom portraits, so I'm not worried.
I'm sure they'll pick the right fella.
- Mm.
- Hmm.
[upbeat music.]
Remember me? I'm Irene.
Irene Lee? Are you nervous? Oh, I am.
I haven't been this scared since our med school class did an evening of sketch comedy.
Sweat right through my Austin Powers costume.
Yeah, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but I don't think it's such a good idea for us to be chitchatting.
Why not? We're the only two minority women here, so I don't want them to think we're some little Asian clique.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
- No, but it's not me.
I love talking.
If it was up to me, we'd just sit here, and I would talk to you all day.
Sure, I get it.
Well, that went rather well.
But I wish you all the best.
And, ladies, don't get rattled if you walk in there and they're still laughing at that Hillary joke I told.
I'm her.
Yeah, I'm her.
I'm coming right now.
I would also like to institute a more streamlined, hospital-wide email system.
Uh, Dr.
Lahiri, I understand you're a single uh, you you recently but without a Not that you Oh, I'm a single mother.
- You're a single mom.
- Yes.
Can you balance that with doing this stressful job? Absolutely.
I mean, having a child has actually given me so much more focus.
Oh, and I don't exercise.
So that's an extra ten minutes a day that goes just towards work.
I see.
And as a leader, do you have the ability to keep your emotions at bay and think logically under stressful situations? My emotions? Oh, I've learned to eat those.
Not a problem.
Yeah, for sure.
Do you ask everyone that question? Yes, of course.
Uh, finally, is there anything else you'd like to tell us? I just wanted to say what an honor it would be to lead this department.
When I first entered this hospital years ago, what with its modern facilities and perfectly breaded hospital cafeteria chicken fingers, I thought, wow, this is my home.
And under my leadership, I would want to make sure that all of my patients' babies would enter this world in a loving and peaceful environment.
Thank you for your consideration.
[phone ringing.]
Hey, Jody, I think you butt-dialed me.
So you better hang up before you start having sex.
No, no.
I called you on purpose.
They just emailed out the times for those candidates getting final-round interviews.
Mine's at 11:45.
I can't decide if I should wear my breakfast blazer or my noonday suit.
It's a real good spot.
I'm right between two fellas with chronic halitosis, so I'll be a literal breath of fresh air.
When is your second interview? Mindy? Mindy? Mindy, are you still there? I actually haven't checked because I don't even want the job anymore because my life is so perfect.
I hope someone else gets it, actually.
Oh, Mindy, what a shame.
You didn't make the cut.
Well, on the bright side, you'll have more time to online shop and follow the saucy adventures of Miss Olivia Pope.
What the hell? I am way more qualified than Jody.
I created the hospital Hawaiian Shirt Day.
That almost took off.
White men get to do everything.
They can hail cabs, direct Hollywood movies, host late-night talk shows.
They can even write in the snow with their pee.
I wish I was a white man.
[smooth music.]
Whoa, I slept like a log.
- [yawns.]
- Is there a gas leak? [gasps.]
My hands are white.
My voice is low.
I have a [gasps.]
Circumcision? [hip-hop music.]
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
Oh, whoa, that is what it's like to stand up with strong core muscles.
Mindy's voice: Ooh, damn! I'm kinda bangable.
Check out my butt.
Whoa, am I giving myself a boner? Cool.
Okay, chill out.
You asked for this.
So you're a white man now.
Whoa, bitch, you're a white man now.
Wow, everything about my life is different as a guy.
Look at this man cave.
Leather furniture, football stuff, humidor.
So who the hell am I? Michael Lancaster? That's white as hell.
Basically a Whit Stillman character.
Whoa, I'm so white I know who Whit Stillman is.
Mindy's voice: Man, that is a lot of light brown.
Guess I'm not a gay man.
Hmm, no ring.
Looks like I'm a divorced baby daddy.
I bet some skank took me for all I'm worth.
Ooh, I have to pee.
This is gonna be cool.
Whoa, Niagara Falls much? I wish my shower had this kind of water pressure.
Well, now that that's out of the way, let's see what else this bad boy can do.
Well, it's definitely not as good for guys.
It's much easier though.
And the finish certainly has a wow factor.
Oh, crap! I'm late for work! I'm never gonna get ready in time! Mindy's voice: What the hell? Guys can get dressed in no time and still look great.
I even have time for one more Remember, you're a white guy named Michael.
You like sports, and chicks, and classic rock.
Hi, Tam [clears throat.]
[deep voice.]
Morning, Tamra.
Good morning, Dr.
How was your evening? Really? But you never ask me how my evening was.
Usually when I walk in, you tell me I'm late and I have a stain on my poncho.
L, you're hilarious.
Obvious, I know.
I'm basically Kevin Hart.
But I crack hilarious jokes constantly around here, and no one ever laughs.
You're on a roll.
Mindy's voice: Whoa, for the first time in my life, women find me charming.
People find me charming.
Everyone, I have an important announcement.
Wait, none of you are rolling your eyes or making false guesses that would ultimately insult me.
Why would we do that? If you have an announcement to make, Mike, we would certainly like to hear it.
Should I take notes? No, no, no.
Um, my announcement is I hope everyone has a terrific day.
- Ohh.
- Well.
- That's nice.
- Yeah.
You have a terrific day too, Mike.
Hear, hear.
What an effective use of our time.
L, I got your usual from the drug store.
Ah, my eye serum? My gout cream? What? No, it's Mega Mass weight gain powder.
Remember, you're trying to bulk up for swimsuit season? Holy shit.
I'm trying to gain weight? Mindy's voice: Being a white man rules.
Hey! No, never mind.
Sorry, thank you.
["On Top of the World" by Imagine Dragons.]
Ohh! I'm on top of the world, hey I'm on top of the world, hey Waiting on this for a while now No, I'm good.
I've been waiting to smile, hey Been holding it in for a while, hey So you're fine with this course of treatment? You're not gonna disagree with me because you read something different on WebMD? No, of course not.
I mean, you're the doctor.
Whatever you say goes.
Mindy's voice: Turns out, everyone's right.
Being a white man is the best.
I can eat whatever I want.
People think everything I say is hilarious.
And all of culture is designed to entertain and delight me.
L, it's time for your second-round interview at the hospital.
I brought your blue shirt, 'cause it makes your eyes look more lupine.
Wait, I got a second-round interview? Wait, my eyes are blue? Of course you got a second interview.
You're Dr.
People never say no to you.
Remember that policeman let you shoot his gun? Mindy's voice: Wow, the meritocracy is real.
As long as you're male and white.
[indistinct chatter.]
Michael! Hey.
How you doing? We, uh we play racquetball together.
- Ah.
- We do? You're right, can't call what we do playing, right? Well, Mike and I go way back as well.
Our kids have the same ADHD doctor.
Between your little monsters and mine, we bought that psychiatrist his boat, am I right? So should I talk to you guys about my qualifications? No, it's okay.
No, we know 'em.
Well, if you guys are worried that I won't be able to juggle this job with my three kids, don't be because Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why would we worry about that? I mean, doesn't Nicole take care of them at her house? Oh, no.
Did Nicole have to go back to Tranquil Palms? I thought the shocks were working.
No, no, no, she's fine.
I think.
But don't I need to tell you why I would be an effective leader? I mean, I heard you were asking other people that, so I don't need to ask you.
I can tell you're a good leader just by looking at you.
Yeah, I'd follow that jaw line off a cliff.
Mindy's voice: Damn, I could get used to this.
So is that it? Bros? You know, look, between you and me, and we're gonna meet with a couple other people, but you got this thing locked in.
I'm dying for a Scotch.
Is it noon? Well, this has been an honor and a privilege.
A real male privilege.
Guys, this day is amazing.
I killed it at my job interview, and then at a restaurant I ate a whole rack of ribs and no one looked grossed out.
That's great, Michael.
Jody also crushed his interview.
Thank you.
Oh, of course, 'cause you're also a white man.
Yes, I am.
I was voted whitest in my high school class, - in a very competitive year.
- Oh.
So, um, just to be clear, did no women get second interviews? Like who? Like that little dust devil, Dr.
Lee? No.
She is not leadership material.
Unless it's leader of, like, say a women's book club or [laughing.]
Well, you know very well that I'm the leader of that book club.
We are reading "The Hours" at the moment.
Although really, it's just an excuse to get together and drink Zin.
But anyway, kudos to the two of you.
Yeah, we should celebrate.
Check out da club.
Have a real lads' night.
Wait, I'm invited? Aren't you guys worried about me getting too drunk and belching or groping someone? [laughter.]
We'd be disappointed if you didn't.
Michael, you have to come.
We can't very well have a lads' night with just two of the Three Muff-keteers.
Mindy's voice: What's this new feeling? - Okay.
- Mindy's voice: Inclusion.
[hip-hop music.]
- There we go.
- Party time.
- Cheers, gentlemen.
- Cheers.
[all groan.]
Mindy's voice: Whoa, I really felt that.
I guess this is what it's like to have 0% body fat.
How 'bout another round, fellas? - Oh, yeah.
- Oh, I'll have a strawberry daiquiri with extra whipped cream.
A what? Actually just the whipped cream.
I have a C-section in the morning, and I don't want to be hungover for it.
Can't wear sunglasses during a procedure, I've tried.
Yeah, like a procedure's ever stopped you.
Besides, these are from our new friends over there.
Whoa, the only person I've ever sent a drink to is Wolf Blitzer, and he threw it in my face.
Cheers, you guys.
Hello, good evening.
I like your eyes.
Thank you.
I like your lip gloss.
Is that Kylie Jenner? That stuff is the best.
Huh? I mean, it's the best tasting.
Like, when I'm macking on honeys, hey-yo! You're weird.
But that's cool because you're so hot.
Mindy's voice: Well, I guess this makes up for none of my female friends wanting to experiment with me in college.
Mindy's voice: Whoa, there's a naked girl in my bed.
Double whoa, three condoms! Damn, I'm a stud.
Oh, she slept over? How thirsty.
You were amazing last night.
Except for when you kept trying to go down on yourself.
I got confused.
Last night was cool.
I think it made me gay.
What? Damn it! Why does this keep happening to me? Oh, no, no, I'm gonna miss my delivery.
Down, down, get down! I gotta pee.
Tamra, hey, where's my patient? Is she okay? - She's dead.
- What? Ha ha ha ha.
J/K, J/K, J/K.
She's fine.
Lee's doing your caesarean.
- Don't worry.
- Oh, Dr.
Lee? No, if that baby imprints on a loser, it'll be lame for life.
Let's cut.
All right, we're all done.
Great job, everybody.
Got a beautiful baby girl.
Mindy's voice: Hold on, Dr.
Lee just did that in half the time it would have taken me.
Have I been all wrong about her? She may wear shoes that make her feet look prosthetic, but it looks like Irene Lee is a great doctor.
Great job.
- Irene! - Ahh! Sorry, I guess that's scary when a man does it.
Hey, thank you so much for covering for me.
I'm so sorry, but I have a good excuse.
I slept with a woman for the first time, - and if I may - It's okay.
I'm used to covering for you guys when you drink too much.
I can't drink, because of my irritable bowel syndrome.
Well, I just wanted to say I watched the whole delivery, and I had no idea you were such a good surgeon.
I mean, how on Earth did you not get a second interview for the department head job and I did? I don't know, but I'm sure they have their reasons.
But listen, I'm rooting for you, even though up until this moment you've never talked to me.
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to treat myself to some post-surgery raisins.
Mindy's voice: Ugh, what is this feeling? - [sighs.]
- Mindy's voice: Rats.
Stupid conscience.
Ah, Michael, howdy-doo? Say, maybe you can help me out here.
Got a second interview for that department head job, but I don't know which tie to wear.
Stripes or foxy lady? You got a second interview? I was surprised too.
After a few costly mistakes, I was getting ready to retire.
Yeah, I was gonna move closer to my daughter, try to make amends with her wife, but who am I to say no to a raise, hmm? Mindy's voice: Even that bag of bones got a second interview and Irene didn't? Tamra, Tamra.
What's up, Dr.
L? You need a shot of penicillin again? You're gonna become immune.
Can you believe that old-ass Dr.
Ledreau got a second interview for the head of OB? Yeah, so? So? That is unfair.
He is terrible.
He only congratulates mothers when it's a boy.
Meanwhile, Dr.
Lee wasn't even considered, and she's amazing.
Doesn't that make you mad? Not really.
I mean, I'm hella used to it.
It's just one of those annoying racist things white people do.
Like assuming I voted for Obama.
I mean, I did, but it wasn't easy given his support of public sector intervention in the energy market.
Just doesn't make any sense.
I know, it's like let the invisible hand do its thing.
Uh Tamra, can I can I tell you something? Come here.
What? I am not a white dude.
I'm a woman of color trapped inside the body of a Caucasian male.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my goodness.
I have been waiting my whole life for someone to confide something like this to me.
The gender part.
The racial part is offensive, and I cannot, but I'm on board.
Thank you, Tamra.
But what I really want is for Dr.
Lee to get the job she deserves.
- Can you help me? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't even care as long as I'm not the one who has to learn a lesson.
Mindy's voice: Ugh, this is worse than I thought.
both: Hi.
Oh, hey.
Are you here for sloppy joe day? I got a second one to share with my cats at home.
Irene, you deserve the head of the department job more than me or Jody or maybe anyone, and we are gonna help you get it.
I don't know.
I mean, I got an interview.
I thought I did a good job.
I double-bagged on undershirts for my sweating.
I think they just found someone better.
No, they don't know what they're doing.
The system is completely rigged by those honkies.
I just don't want to be that pushy woman who thinks she's so qualified.
Also, I'm treated well.
Look how they loaded my joe.
No extra charge.
You can't just sit back and let them treat you like you're invisible.
Where-where'd you go? Sorry, I was bussing my table.
Well, if the system is so rigged, what's the point of even trying? Well As a white man, I cannot say what I want to say because I could get sued.
So, Tamra, will you please explain the problem here? Girl, you can't dress like a loser and expect to make it in the patriarchy.
You don't see Michelle Obama exercising with school kids in a cat sweater and flip-flops.
It's like you're trying to look bad.
Let us help you.
Okay, I'll try.
Mindy's voice: Step one, you have to look good to be treated good.
White people can look like garbage and still be treated well.
Look at Adam Sandler.
He wear swim trunks to the Oscars.
You have to work harder.
I don't really pay attention to fashion.
Really? I thought your outfit came straight from Milan.
Actually, most of my clothes are from the hospital's lost and found.
Oh, God, I give up.
I mean, I don't give up.
You're my altruistic mission.
But in the words of Jerry Maguire, help me help you.
I love that movie! Bonnie Hunt is my style icon.
I can tell from your reaction that was a bad thing to say.
I really want this job.
Tell me what to wear.
I'll do it.
Okay, now you're learning.
Mindy's voice: Step two, take the "personal" out of "personnel.
" As a woman, the men interviewing you are gonna get hung up on your work/life balance.
Don't let them.
What if they ask me about my cats? They do take up a lot of my time.
Especially Aragorn.
Don't talk about Aragorn.
Mindy's voice: Now for steps three and four: T and A.
So you know a secret weapon us women can hold over men is sex appeal.
Go like that.
My doctor told me I don't have that.
Oh, no, no, sexy isn't just about looks.
It's about confidence.
If you think you look good, others will catch on.
I guess I could try to be confident.
Exactly, yes.
See now, as a guy, I have to spend most of my energy trying not to stare at your cleavage.
I'm already off my game.
Hey, he's allowed in the women's room? But when I go into the men's room, everyone's like, "Beverly, put your camera away.
" I gotta deuce.
Mindy's voice: And now for step five.
Okay, it's time to play the most important card in the deck.
What kind of deck? - Uno? - Magic: The Gathering? Oh, don't push me, Dr.
The race card.
So you are gonna call the committee and demand a second interview and point out that all the people that made it to round two are white.
Really? Will that work? Oh, it'll work.
Because every white person's worst fear is being called racist.
It's their equivalent of experiencing actual racism.
Come on, Irene.
You deserve this more than Dr.
Ledreau, Jody, or even me.
[deep breath.]
[suspenseful music.]
L, you better stop pacing.
You get too much exercise as it is.
I know, I'm sorry.
I'm just nervous.
Irene's been in with the committee for so long.
I'm worried she's gonna tell that really boring story about the time she decided not to go to the water park.
Oh, my God.
Well, how'd it go? I did everything you said.
That is great news.
But I didn't get the job.
- What? - Like most of the interviews that I get, it felt like a courtesy to avoid a lawsuit.
I'm really sorry, Dr.
No, no, nuh-uh! Ex-squeeze me? Everyone one of you needs to sit down right now.
Lee is by far the most qualified person for this position.
And might I remind you that many of our patients are not white, and all of them are women.
Your commitment to diversity is really impressive, which is exactly what we need around here.
Congratulations, you got the job.
How dare you? Stop trying to give this job to a white man.
Lee deserves it.
Well, honestly, our last department head was a black woman and a lesbian, which I don't think we get enough credit for, and she was great.
She was fine.
But this time we just thought we'd go in a different direction.
So you're telling me that two women of color in a row would be a little too much? Even though the department heads before that were an endless parade of middle-aged white men? I mean, look at these pictures.
It's like the cast of a Clint Eastwood movie.
Damn, dog, Jody was right.
His picture would look great up there.
Listen, Mike, you were our top choice, but if you don't want the job then we'll give it to Dr.
He actually had this job back in the '70s.
Ledreau? But he's basically senile.
And everybody knows he killed Barbara.
Nobody jumps off a cruise ship the first night.
Well, he was not convicted, and off the record, Barbara was a difficult woman.
- [sighs.]
- She was.
Listen, Mike, thanks for coming in, and thanks for starting this lively discussion.
It's been a lot of fun.
Mindy's voice: Damn it, the system's more rigged than I thought.
There's a million great things about being a white guy, and that's just counting the things you can do with your penis.
But the sad thing is having the ability to help other people and most of the time just not doing it.
It's just so easy not to.
Your life is so carefree, you start wondering why other people just don't help themselves, because you think life is just as easy for everyone else.
Wow, I actually miss being interesting and different.
Wish I were an Indian woman again.
[upbeat music.]
[alarm beeping, stops.]
Oh, my God.
I'm me again.
Thank God.
My boobs.
Hey, why do they feel smaller? Anyway, I'm so relieved.
I even forgot all the sports trivia I learned, thank God.
Remember, Mindy, sit down to pee.
Hey, Irene.
How's it going? Pretty good, but I'm getting pretty sweaty from this Alfredo steam.
So you probably heard that Dr.
Ledreau got the department head position.
Another white man, go figure.
And, you know, there's a lot of evidence that he killed his wife.
I'm listening to a podcast about her disappearance.
I wanted to apologize to you for what I said the other day, about us being an Asian clique.
I was wrong.
And I wanted to know if you would ever want to hang out.
I think we'd be good friends.
Yeah, that that'd be nice.
You want some Alfredo? I thought you would never ask.
- It smells delicious.
- Dig in.
- Is this from the cafeteria? - Yeah.
You know what else is good there? both: The chicken fingers.
- Yes! - So good.
Go to bed.

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