The Mindy Project s05e13 Episode Script

Mindy's Best Friend

1 Guys, cancel all your plans forever.
Alayna, my best friend from grade school, is coming to town because she's deciding whether or not she wants to live in New York.
When's the last time you saw each other? Sixth grade.
That's when her bitch mom made her move to Germany, but we've kept in touch.
You know, she sends me German chocolates.
I send her selfies of me eating them.
Oh, yeah.
You send those to me, too.
And me.
What's your friend like? Lindsay, she is so cool and fun.
Anyway, I was thinking of throwing this kind of swanky cocktail party so she can meet a guy.
Wait a second, you're from New Jersey.
Do you know Bruce Springsteen? - Is he single? - Mindy, I collect comic books.
I know tons of single guys.
I will not have nerds in this house.
- Whoa.
- I will not expose my son to that.
In fact, it's crazy that your daughter is this cool.
- [knocking.]
- Hey, I figured I would just pop in and ask.
What can I bring? To me? Right now? Well, I had a huge lunch, but I'm sorry, I was talking about what can I bring - to your party? - Oh, the usual.
A bucket, a mop, some rags.
Show up the next morning, - at 6:00 a.
, don't wake me up - No, no no.
Ben invited me to your party.
As, like, a human guest.
Ben invited you to my fancy dinner party? - Oh, yeah.
- Oh, cool.
It was a very selective guest list, but And I gotta tell you this much, I'm very much looking forward to meeting your friend from Europe.
European women love me.
Eastern European women love me because I smell like cabbage.
Which we've discussed.
Okay, no offense, Morgan, but I'm having this party to introduce Alayna to, like, a certain type of guy, and I don't know, I just think don't think you're her actually, I don't think you're any type.
Yeah, no, I get it.
But forget about Alayna, okay? I gotta tell you, I'm gonna be the perfect party guest.
Grab a little bit of food, talk about religion and politics and people's salaries, how old everyone is, you know what I mean? Don't worry, okay? I'm not gonna embarrass you.
- What time? - 7:00.
Hey, I'll see you at 6:00.
Oh! That hit my penis, John.
Ah, I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
Karen, you gotta stop hovering.
This is not helping the perception around the office - that you're weird.
- Sorry, Tamra, but I saw something, and according to the posters in the subway, I need to say something.
I told you, the Elmo in Times Square isn't real.
- There's a man inside.
- See, you nurses are so much better at gossip than I am.
So far, I've only told one person, the photo in my locket, Aunt Maureen, and she was speechless.
Well, what'd you see? I was in the Diamond District, checking alleys - to find a dice game.
- Okay, stop.
Good gossip isn't about the gossiper.
It's about the four W's: Who, what, where, and whoa.
Okay, well, I think I saw Dr.
L's boyfriend, Ben, in a diamond store and it looked like he was buying something.
So is that good gossip? I said, "Whoa," didn't I? Wow, I can't believe that Dr.
L's done it again.
She got another guy ready to propose to her and meanwhile poor Taylor Swift's withering on the vine.
Benjamin Uzi Miller.
Hey, you just can't make up a Jewish middle name - when you're mad at me.
- Why did you invite Morgan - to my party? - You said I can invite a friend.
Wait, he's your friend, too.
Oh, Ben.
Poor, poor, sweet Ben.
- What? - Obviously, I meant, like, a cool, sexy friend.
Like the hot teenager who mows your lawn.
You guys are acting like Morgan isn't human.
Oh, look, we all love Morgan.
He's like a big, sloppy ice cream sundae.
Every part of it is good, but it gets you all sticky and sometimes it makes you sick to your stomach.
Listen to this.
This is wisdom from the ancient.
Well, I don't know about that.
Certain types of parties call for certain types of guests.
I wouldn't expect to be invite to, say, a bris.
Or that candle Christmas y'all have.
- No.
- It's such a good point.
This is a very elegant affair for my sophisticated friend.
I don't need Morgan there.
Do you wanna know how elegant it is? I put a bowl of seashells in my crapper.
Okay, look, there's no reason Morgan shouldn't be invited.
He does everything for you.
He works for you, he Tweets for you, he tricks you into taking your pills.
Oh, which reminds me, I have to take my birth control cheese.
See? Ok, well, he's been invited.
So there's nothing we can do now.
Thanks a lot.
Let's go.
- Oh, Ben, there you are.
- Hey.
Heard the news, and I gotta tell you, even though it's probably none of my business, I think you're making a terrible mistake.
Oh, yeah, that.
Listen, for a life-size Darth Vader statue, it's actually a pretty good deal.
It says five lines from the movie.
No, you dope.
I heard you were getting hitched.
Another victim of the con.
What? I'm not getting engaged.
Where did you hear that? Page Six.
Ha, just joking.
Why would they even cover that? No, someone at Shulman's told me.
Alayna, how was Germany? You know, I really respect their culture.
I'm a huge David Hasselhoff fan.
Well, Berlin is great, but I am so glad to be back in the States.
Like, I'm tired of electronica and club drugs.
I wanna get back to my roots Hip-hop and club drugs.
Well, you're gonna really love Manhattan.
In a way, it's like its own little island.
Yeah, New York's getting cool again now that DeBlasio is letting it go to crap.
And I just pray the racial tensions get high enough to produce some white flight so I can get an apartment.
Well, I brought some really cute, single guys here.
And the good kind.
Not ones, like, strapped down with annoying little kids.
- Go meet them, go meet them.
- Okay.
So, what's going on at Shulman? Any hot goss? Things I would be interested in or find personally relatable? Okay, I see you've heard.
Yes, it's true, I went on a date with Huma Abedin.
She said I was the worst guy she'd ever met.
Can you imagine that? That's it? No other relationship news? Births, deaths, engagements? Oh, my God, of course.
I can't believe I didn't tell you.
My bird, Roger, laid an egg.
It was a big surprise.
That's awesome.
I'm gonna get a drink.
That's a Jeremy? Hi.
Have you met my friend Alayna? She was in Germany for a very long time.
And Jeremy is from jolly old England, so I think you guys probably have a lot of castles you could discuss.
Well, actually, our castle was seized by the crown because of our cowardice during World War II.
It's now a home for the insane.
So nothing much has changed.
[all laughing.]
Talk about something else.
Something better.
Oh, okay.
Well this morning, I had a pedicure.
Next stop, sandal shopping.
I don't think we're clicking.
Oh, okay.
I got something for you.
Hey, Jody, hey.
I want you to meet my beautiful, intelligent friend, Alayna.
- Oh, charmed, charmed.
- She has not lived in America for ten years.
Ten years? Oh, my.
Let me catch you up.
We no longer go to space, anything can marry anything, and it's illegal to be a white man.
There are some good TV shows, though.
Well, I'm gonna grab a drink.
And please don't follow me.
Hey, guys.
I am appalled.
You're both such a waste of handsome.
Hey, listen, I think your friend is into me.
Maybe I could invite her to my harpsichord recital.
Oh, Alayna, please don't leave.
I am so sorry that you've talked to so many losers tonight.
I wanna introduce you to my trainer.
I just am not sure that I will be able to recognize him.
No, Mindy, I actually met someone who is so great.
So we're just gonna slip out and take a little walk.
And who knows? Maybe end up at my hotel room.
Ooh, delicioso.
Who is it? Jody? Jeremy? Cory Booker? I can't believe he came.
I guess anything to get out of Newark, huh? No, it's none of those guys.
This guy is [exhales.]
I'm dying to meet him.
Hey, your party is amazing, by the way.
I've been here for two hours, and I have not spilled one thing.
- Oh, okay.
- Oh, God, no, there you go.
Okay, Morgan, can you just give us a second? My friend is telling me about this hot guy she's gonna take home.
Great party, Mindy.
I had so much fun.
Ready? Let's go! - Uh, bye! - [both laughing.]
Hey, listen, don't worry.
I'm gonna treat your friend with the utmost respect.
Also I messed up the toilet.
No one can go in there, seriously, look, it's sick I gotta go.
Bye! [door closes.]
You know, that Cory Booker fellow was nice.
Maybe I'll shave my head.
I did not invite you to the party to talk to Cory Booker.
All right? You were there to hit on my friend.
And what did you do? Nothing.
You were as charismatic as my dad talking to a family at a cruise.
I'm sorry.
I'm off my game.
I switched from bourbon to rye, for health reasons.
Whole grain, you know.
And it is just throwing everything off.
I don't wanna talk about this anymore.
Where's Morgan with my breakfast? Good morning! So sorry I'm late.
Personal apology.
I was just on my way to work and I ran into Alayna in the lobby of her hotel.
Where we had sex.
- Oh.
- Hey, I know for some of you it may be uncomfortable for me to talk about this kinda of stuff.
But what am I supposed to do? Not announce it? Look, I know how you have sex.
It's nothing to brag about.
- Mm, mm-hmm.
- Mindy, I wanna thank you for such a great party last night.
Oh, and Morgan suggested that we go on a little double date.
- Yeah.
- What do you think? - That'd be fun, right? - You wanna see him again? Blink once if you're in danger.
Mindy, you're so funny.
Morgan is so different from German guys.
I mean, his English isn't as good, but he's happy, he's non-judgmental, - and, boy, is he circumcised.
- Okay.
Come on, we asked Ben, he's in.
Please? - Please? - He said yes? - Yes.
- Oh, he's in, baby.
For you, Alayna, sure.
both: Yeah! That means I get another night with you.
- Mm.
- Oh.
- Mm, mm, mm - No, you just buck up.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
- And buy some more condoms.
Yes, just need some cash.
- Oh! - Bye, Min! Bye.
- Hey, Ben! - Hey.
- both: Hey, Ben! - Hey, what's up? - What's up? - What you doing in here? You looking for someone maybe to choreograph a romantic flash mob for a specific reason? Or someone who's a licensed sky writer with her own plane? So it was you who's been running around gossiping that I'm gonna propose to Mindy.
You don't know it was us.
- How'd you know it was us? - Dude, it's not gossip.
Karen saw you at the jewelry store.
And I have great eyesight, 'cause all I eat is carrots.
Well, you're wrong, because what I was actually doing was selling my wedding ring from my first marriage.
Oh, damn.
That's not gossip at all.
That's just a sad transaction.
How much did you get for it? Hey, this is messed up, okay? If Mindy finds out about this she's gonna freak out.
We haven't even talked about marriage yet.
Look, I don't know how, but you gossip girls better fix this.
Fix this? Did he just ask us to kill Dr.
L? Oh, man.
Look at what I started.
I just need to stick to things I'm good at, like making carrot cake and sex.
No, no, no, you guys.
We can fix this.
You can't make gossip go away.
I mean, I still believe John Kerry was a bad soldier in Vietnam and I started that rumor.
But you can bury gossip with bigger gossip.
Oh, I know that trick.
Like when Grandma finds out you're a lesbian so you say, - "Jody's a Democrat.
" - Exactly.
Oh, my God, this is one hell of a beefsteak.
Morgan, I love this shirt on you.
Thank you, I got it at the Big and Weird store.
Stop it.
So, Alayna, what's Germany like? Is it better than when my grandparents fled from there? Yeah, Germany's great.
They use cleanliness and efficiency to cover up a deep well of shame.
- Huh.
- Morgan, have you ever been to Germany, or anywhere, in fact? I have not.
I have not been to Europe.
There's so many places in America I wanna see.
- I wanna go to Coney Island.
- Ooh.
I wanna go to the Statue of Liberty.
I wanna go to the Verrazano Bridge.
He wants to go to Old Navy.
Um, I wanna say one thing about this wine.
It opened beautifully, it smells great, and it tastes [slurps.]
- good.
- Alayna, has he told you - about his dogs? - Dogs? No.
Oh, he has dozens of dogs that live in his one bedroom apartment with him.
- Dozens? - Yeah.
Ahh, I got a couple pooches at home.
That's true.
You know, a lot of people say that I rescued them.
But, I don't know, I like to think they rescued me - from wells and snow banks and - Morgan, you are so amazing.
How are you still single? Seriously, where have you - been hiding him, Mindy? - Where have you been hiding me? Can I ask a question that I think we're all thinking? Which is: Alayna, did you get brain damaged in Germany? Well, she did bump her head last night a few times.
- [imitates head hitting wall.]
- Bonk! [laughs.]
That's why you're on the bottom tonight! Oh, I've never done that before! And you will straight up gag when you hear what's going on with Ben.
- Ben? You wish.
- You wish.
I do wish.
Why? What's going on? Not Yes, he's proposing to Dr.
Whee Here We Go Again.
- [sighs.]
- Can you believe it? I know, he's so hot.
And is it just me, - or is she awful? - It's not just you, queen.
- Wait are you guys - Talking about how your clown-woman of a boss just got engaged - to Jewish Josh Hartnett? - Then yes.
Oh, no, no, no.
That rumor is hella late and hella untrue.
Well, then spill that fresh tea, honey.
I heard Dr.
Reed's getting deported.
Yeah, he got caught trying to marry one of Trump's daughters for a green card.
- I think I did hear that.
- Me too.
Is it just me, or is he awful? Cool.
Keep talking about that.
You wanna hear some good gossip? I hear Dr.
Kimball-Kinney is going out with Cindy Crawford.
Really? I heard his body created a new strain of HPV and he doesn't have any symptoms but that every woman he dates is a ticking time bomb.
Okay, damn.
Go with that.
Jeremy Hussein Reed is actually al-Qaeda's number two.
Raised in England but born in Pakistan.
Hey, Colette! Did you hear the rumor about Dr.
L? - No.
What? - I heard that she's really - grown-up Webster.
- Really? Cool! Oh, my God.
Okay, so there was this one time, right? She's in her office and she's like, "I smell bagels!" And she just sprints into the kitchen and crashes into a table and she farted.
My God, you did the exact same thing at my 10th birthday party.
My God, I love hearing these stories about Mindy, 'cause I haven't seen you in so long.
It feels like I'm getting to know you all over again.
Well, you're gonna wanna hear about the time that this one, she got her tongue stuck to a billboard of Tyrese.
- What? - Sue Simmons called her "Knucklehead of the Week.
" I also own my own business and I'm a single mom.
There's a lot of other things you could say about me.
- What, what'd you say? - Alayna, do your parents still have that great vacation home? Yes! We should pick a weekend this summer and go back to Montauk.
- Ben and Morgan would love it.
- Oh, God.
- Great.
- I love the beach.
You know why? Because if you're wearing shoes, - you're the weird one.
- [laughs.]
I don't know if you want Morgan to come along.
I mean, that place survived Sandy.
- Let's not push our luck.
- [laughs.]
Hey, can I talk for a second? No, I am saving my friend from herself.
Um, Alayna, let's go get a drink.
- Oh.
- Come with me to get a drink.
- See you later.
- Mm.
- Ah, ahh! - Come on.
I've seen him put a dog's foot in that mouth.
[cell phone vibrates.]
Alayna, I am so happy that you're back in New York.
But don't you wanna play the field a little bit? I mean, you haven't even been in town long enough to get hit on by Anthony Weiner.
Oh, no, he hit on me.
But I like Morgan.
He's nice, he makes me laugh, and his skin is so hot, I never get cold.
It's because he's had a fever for five years.
Okay, listen, um you know you could do much better than him, right? Oh, okay.
I get it.
This is because you used to have a crush on him.
He told me and it's fine.
No, no, okay, you know what? I didn't wanna have to tell you this, but you're my oldest friend and you deserve to know the truth.
Wait, what are you trying to say? Oh, no.
Oh, no, he's married.
He's married.
I knew it.
Nobody gets that many calls from Grandma.
No, who would marry him? No, Morgan is an ex-con.
Oh, God, Morgan.
How much of that did you hear? The part about you revealing my most shameful secret.
Okay, I didn't know that you were standing right here, - behind me.
- No, no.
I uh, I was actually I was coming over 'cause a work emergency came up and I have to go deal with it.
A, uh a new mother betrayed her baby.
- [sighs.]
- And it wasn't just her baby, it was something much closer.
It was a friend from work.
And I want you to know something.
I went to prison for stealing cars.
Oh, right, the tattoo I didn't rape anyone.
I didn't murder anyone.
I didn't kidnap anyone.
I didn't torture them sexually.
I'm just a man.
I'm a simple man who's made mistakes.
They stink.
They smell like betrayal.
Oh! Oh.
Hey, that was that was ugly.
I'm sorry.
And it was a lot harsher than I meant it to be.
But you're such a cool girl and there are so many fish in the sea.
You know, wait till there's a terrorist attack.
All the guys get really horny then.
Yeah, no, thank you.
Thanks, Mindy, for telling me he's an ex-con.
You know, it's just I'm bummed 'cause it is so hard to meet a good man.
But you know what? Maybe I'll just call Fritz in Berlin.
I mean, he said he was only gay that one time.
Okay, well, um, can I call you again to hang out? - I'd love to see you.
- You know what? I'll I'll call you.
You know, if you hadn't invited him to my party - then none of this - No.
Why did you sell Morgan out like that? I've never seen him that sad and I've been to five of his dogs' funerals.
Okay, I support Morgan.
I gave him a job.
I give him the tomatoes from my sandwich.
I went to his level one improv class graduation show, okay? - He's fine.
- Yeah, and you told his worst secret to a girl he likes.
Why would you wanna ruin his relationship? Wait, are you in love with Morgan? Are you out of your Goddamn mind? - In love with Morgan? - Okay, okay I'm sorry, but what is going on? Why do you care if Morgan dates somebody? I guess I don't think of him as a person.
You know, I think of him more as, like, a singing candelabra that tells me I'm pretty.
What do you think of me? Well, you're Belle, obviously, because you read books.
I guess it's not really fair for me not to let Morgan have his own life It's chilling that this is a realization for you, - but I'm glad that you got there.
- Thanks.
Ugh, okay, I have to go see him and make it right.
Do you want me to come with you? No, I'm fine.
I'm packing my Derringer.
Oh, hell no.
You shouldn't be here.
Colette, just please let me in.
Your hallway smells like ethnic stew.
That's actually coming from our apartment.
Karen's been crocking pot all day.
You stay away.
You've ruined Morgan's one chance at true love.
Now he's better off just killing himself! I told him And that's on you, bub.
- Thanks a lot.
- He's not even here.
- He's at the gym.
- Morgan's at the gym? - Mm-hmm.
- [moaning.]
- I hear his moans.
- That was me farting.
No, it is not.
I know what your farts sound like.
- Excuse me.
Get out of my way! - Okay, okay, okay.
- Ohh.
- Oh, Morgan.
Were you just laying here, moaning this whole time? No.
I went to the bathroom and Karen walked in on me and it was humiliating.
You would've loved it.
Oh, my God.
You've never sassed me before.
Well, get used to it, bub.
Stop calling me bub! Morgan, come.
Please? Oh, God.
Morgan, hey.
Can you please look at me? Won't you come and talk to me, just the two of us? Are you sure you'll be safe alone in a room with an ex-con? Whoa! You're an ex-con? - Ahh! Karen! - Morgan What I did at the restaurant was awful and I'm very sorry.
Why'd you do it? I just I never thought anything could hurt more than being stabbed in the front.
I'm sorry, Morgan.
Just everything was going so good for you, you know? And this isn't cool to admit, but I always kinda counted on that no matter how bad things were going for me, they're always gonna be worse for you.
What are you talking about? You have a perfect life, okay? You have your own business and a beautiful son and soap and shampoo.
And Ben.
Things are going great with Ben.
You guys will probably get married.
I'm not getting married to Ben.
Why not? You have a perfect relationship.
You're like a hippo and a little Jewish bird that eats the food out of the hippo's teeth.
I don't know.
We've never talked about it.
Besides, who says I even need to get married? You don't.
Honestly, you're too cool to get married.
Yeah, well, I guess I should talk to him about it.
- Yeah.
- But enough of that.
I'm really glad we had this conversation.
Because, honestly, you are so much more than just a friend to me.
I'm flattered.
But I can't right now because of Alayna.
- What? - But we can do - over the clothes.
- Oh, my God! No! - Okay.
- I was just gonna say that you're, like, my best friend.
Um, oh, my God.
I can't believe this.
I have been carrying this BFF necklace in my pocket, ever since I met you, waiting for the day that you would say that.
That's so sweet, Morgan.
Thank you.
Oh, okay.
You want me to put it on you.
- Please.
- Okay.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How'd everything go with Morgan? Good.
As it turns out, being nice to your friends is almost as satisfying as crushing your enemies.
Well, I'm really glad I could help with that.
What's up? You're so great.
I'm such a lucky person.
You're super hot.
You're a good dad.
I convinced you that Hillary isn't a Muslim.
Well we agree on all the important stuff.
Like how we're really happy as a couple and we don't need to get married or anything.
So you don't wanna get married? No.
I love you and I don't want things to change.
Good night.
I love you too.
So I'm looking for a ring that's classy but unique.
Oh, and we're gonna need a band that can expand and contract with the wearer's extreme salt intake.
Dad, that's it.
That's the ring.
Yeah? It's so sparkly.
Mindy will love it.
We'll take it.

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