The Mindy Project s06e06 Episode Script

The Midwife's Tale

1 Dr.
L, I know you don't like to talk during our commute.
It's not that I don't like to talk.
It's just that your breath is is very hot.
Okay, this is an urgent professional matter.
I'm in love with someone who does not love me back.
- How is that professional? - Because it's affecting me - at work? - Okay, Morgan, a year ago, I would have told you to follow your heart and to never give up, but, honestly, since my divorce, I have realized that romance is a huge waste of time.
We're all gonna just end up alone anyway.
Hey, that is not the Dr.
L that I know and love and sketch.
Well, look, the silver lining is I haven't been with someone in a while, and I'm perfectly content.
I think you're using that word the wrong way.
- "Content"? - Yeah, "content" is, like, stuff that's in other stuff.
Like in a book.
It's the table of "contents.
" No, that's "cahn-tent.
" This is "content.
" It's a feeling.
No, that's "contempt.
" That's what people feel - for me.
- This is why I don't like talking to you in the morning.
I don't Oh, my God, that man! He's gonna jump on the tracks! Sir, sir! - Don't do it! - Morgan, stop! No! - [pants.]
- Morgan, no! I do not consent to being saved.
This is a hate crime.
Brendan Deslaurier? Hi, Mindy.
[theme music.]
"Dear hateful world, "I would like all my money to be burned, "because capitalism is tearing us apart.
"But please reserve $50,000 for my eco-funeral, "atop Cho-mo-lung-ma" - Chomolungma.
- "Known to racists "as Mount Everest.
Regrettably white, Brendan Deslaurier.
" Hey, this note sucks, dude.
I actually thought it was pretty great.
Um, what was it that finally put you over the edge? Was it that you realized you're a midwife and that's a huge scam? Hey, look, at least you're not a doula.
Hey, doulas are more important than firemen.
They should be paid more than movie stars.
You think a doula should make more than Ryan Reynolds? - Who's Ryan Reynolds? - "Who's Ryan Reynolds"? - Yeah.
- "Van Wilder," "Deadpool," "Just Friends"! Just put it in perspective, okay? Morgan has literally no reason to live, okay? He doesn't make any money.
He doesn't have a girlfriend.
He's still - going through puberty.
- It's true.
- Every day is a struggle.
- And yet, he persists.
You really don't know Ryan Reynolds? - Who? - He's married to Blake Lively! He's married to Blake Lively.
Say, "Who's Blake Lively?" - Just I dare you to say - Say, "Who's Blake Lively?" Say it, go ahead.
It was just a cry for help, guys.
I'm depressed because my brother's trying to kick me out of the practice and doesn't want - to work with me anymore.
- Oh, God, that is horrible.
Maybe I shouldn't have stopped you.
It's just he's corporate, and he's he doesn't even wear underwear anymore.
He's got a bank account.
Guys, he's hooked on the white stuff.
- Cocaine? - No, sugar.
Look, hey.
- We're gonna fix this.
- You are? - Yeah.
- We are? Why? Because we work in the same building, and there is no bond stronger than that.
I thought we helped him by not letting him kill himself.
He's a sick person.
Come on, come on.
It's not like I have a job or anything I have to do.
Just come on.
There you are.
Oh, did you get coffee for all of us? Nope, just Tamra.
We have a system.
- I buy her coffee, she takes it.
- Thank you, Dr.
[clears throat.]
Uh, can we begin, please? Yes.
Ah, I'm sorry, Melville.
I guess we should start without Mindy.
The elevator's broken.
She probably turned around and went home.
Very well.
Folks, I was alarmed to see your expenses have skyrocketed.
- Rent alone is up 10%.
- Yes, well, the neighborhood has gone through the traditional gentrification cycle from Chinese immigrants to gays to families to Chinese billionaires.
Insurance reimbursements for your services have gone down across the board.
Well, I guess I can't blame Obama anymore, so I choose to blame the media.
Well, you need to find ways of bringing in new business.
Yeah, but how? We make money by women having babies, yet we're the ones to give them birth control.
It's a terrible business model.
ANNA: Hello, Mary.
How are you? Actually, I've been meaning to talk to you.
- You work with Jody, right? - Mm-hmm.
What's his deal? Well, he's a skilled doctor, a devoted brother, and the highest-functioning alcoholic I've ever met.
So do you think that he would be interested in me? - Oh! Wow, you're into Jody.
- I don't know.
Perhaps I could help to set you two up, like a real yenta.
I've been taking a night class in conversational Jewish.
- Oh.
- Apparently, I'm a real shiksa.
- Oy vey.
- [laughs.]
What's that? [inhales sharply.]
Brendan, I'm sure we can solve this.
Your brother is so sweet.
In five minutes, you'll be hugging and kissing like normal.
We haven't kissed in weeks.
DUNCAN: What are you doing here, Brendan? Come to clean out your office? Don't bother.
- I already threw everything out.
- Even my African masks? Especially your African masks.
Duncan! You look amazing, man.
You look like a banker from the Aah! Hey! Don't vape in his face.
Hey, man, why do you got to be so rude? I had an epiphany recently after watching a very eye-opening film.
It's called "Frozen.
" The central message of "Frozen" is that love between siblings conquers all just like "Game of Thrones.
" No, the point of "Frozen" is that one sibling gets all the attention, Brendan.
But that's all in the past.
I'm the Elsa now, bitch.
- Oh, my God! - Hey, man, that was inappropriate, what you just did.
Okay, you need to apologize to your brother, 'cause he's in a lot of pain.
Also, you need him.
Who else will tolerate your nonsense? - Yeah.
- I'd prefer not to take advice from a single mom who has frosting on her neck.
How dare you? That's goat cheese.
- No, no, no, no, no! - You're a monster! - Don't do it.
- Let it go! Everybody here needs to leave.
This holistic mid-whiff-ery practice is for alpha-males only.
You blew it, dude.
And you're wrong, by the way.
The central message of "Frozen" is that reindeers are better than people! JODY: "The whole party rose and flung themselves on him.
"'Seize him!' they cried.
'Seize the Toad who stole our motorcar.
'" Oh, hello, Anna.
I was just reading Colette her afternoon story, but "The Wind in the Willows" can wait.
Sorry to interrupt, but, Jody.
my friend Mary Hernandez much to my surprise is interested in dating you.
Hernandez? [laughs.]
She is muy caliente, bro.
Hands off, Colette.
This one's mine.
And I must say I'm intrigued.
Please tell her that the feeling is mutual.
Hmm, I guess I'm quite the matchmaker.
I can't wait to tell my social-skills coach.
Who would have thought? Me dating a woman of my generation.
Hey, man, I'm happy for you.
But I am really worried about Toad.
"'Bind him, chain him'" [sighs.]
That accountant's meeting has got me really worried.
How did our expenses get so high? Well, did we really need a $1,000 bread maker? Are you kidding? If I make one loaf of bread every day for the next ten years, - we're quids in, baby.
- It's time to press pause on this Caucasian nonsense.
Sheena's in the house.
Oh, Anna, this is Sheena, Tamra's cousin.
May I offer you some olive loaf? I'm not here to break bread.
I'm here to spill tea.
It has come to my attention that my Tamra's pregnant, and she's planning on raising it by herself.
- What? - Mm-hmm.
Are you sure? How did you find this out? I saw her turn down a Bellini for brunch, and I was like, "Hold up! Wait a minute.
This girl's preggo.
" Then she told me.
This is huge.
I can't believe how much I love office gossip.
She told me the father works here, so I'll be going room to room yelling at people till I find out who! Heavens, I think I might know who it is.
A while back, I was on my weekly flour run for the bread maker.
Now, midway home, with visions of dough rising in my head, I came upon a charming movie theater, and there I saw Tamra approaching Jody.
"Perfectly innocent," you might think.
Wrong! They were holding hands.
Then they went into the movie theater together to watch Tyler Perry's "A Very Madea Independence Day.
" [gasps, shouts.]
And you both know the catchphrase from that movie.
BOTH: "Happy Furth of Jurler, Americur"? - Mm-hmm.
- Wow, Tamra and Jody.
It makes sense! Remember how he brings her coffee every morning? - We were fools not to see it! - Yes! Jody did this to my Tamra.
Where is he? I'm just gonna make him do the honorable thing and give her all his money and then buy me a Birkin for my trouble.
Where is he? Sheena, let us talk to him first.
I think this might be better coming from coworkers than an enraged cousin.
You better set him straight.
Otherwise, I'm coming for him.
And to quote "A Very Madea Independence Day," "You play with fireworks, you gonna get burnt! Hallelujer!" Hmm! [cheerful music.]
Morgan, are you really doing this? I have no choice.
We're all Brendan has.
You don't want another death on your conscience.
Okay, just leave me out of it.
Lovely to see you all.
And you know what? I am excited to start my morning.
- It's 2:00 p.
- That's right.
Everyone, I have an announcement.
We have hired Brendan Deslaurier to be Shulman's in-house midwife.
Uh, I don't know, Morgan.
That sounds like a bad idea.
But you already announced it, so I guess that it's settled.
[door closes.]
JODY: Mindy, you can't just make decisions for the entire office like when you decided the theme of the Christmas party would be "Mindy through the years"? Brendan Deslaurier flies in the face of everything we stand for in this office Western medicine delivered firmly and coldly.
Guys, maybe some of our patients will respond to his new-age BS.
And for the record, insurance doesn't cover any of that.
So, look, I solved our money problems, too.
- You're welcome.
- No way.
We're gonna put a stop this, missy.
You've acted very irresponsibly.
- [Anna and Jeremy scoff.]
- JEREMY: Please.
I hardly think you're in a position to give lectures on responsibility.
Yes, maybe you should consider some of problems you've fathered.
Yes, you made the office rather pregnant with your own drama.
[clears throat.]
Okay, I give up.
Welcome to the practice, Brendan Deslaurier, 'cause apparently what we need around here is another weirdo.
- Jody! - I want to thank you all for the job.
I plan on helping you all out more than you could possibly imagine.
See? He's a nice man.
Oh, good.
We can start now by placing these do-nots right where they belong.
My babies! This is gonna be fun.
Oh, my God.
What have I done? BRENDAN: Good morning, everyone.
Reed has been kind enough to let me - run today's morning meeting.
- Where are the chairs? I had them recycled.
They're killing us.
Chairs are the new cigarettes.
This is so uncomfortable.
Who even sits like this? Really? It's called "Indian style.
" - Hey.
- I actually like sitting like this.
This is good for your core.
- Thanks, Dr.
- He's not a doctor.
- [snoring.]
- Wake up.
I'm sorry, but Brendan threw away - all of my energy drinks.
- Let me cut to the chase.
I need to take over the supply closet.
I've been signing your patients up for my Herbal Materna-tea Cleanse.
- [laughs.]
- Hey, sorry, that's where we keep our snow cone machine, so, no.
- It's not gonna happen.
- The cleanse is $300 a box.
You have all the space you need.
- What? - That's what I thought.
Meeting adjourned.
- What? - How did he do that? He's got to go, man.
90% of my diet is sugary snacks.
Yeah, my hair got tangled in his dream catcher.
- It gave me nightmares.
- Guys, I'm sorry.
Brendan brings in too much money, and as you know, money talks.
This is Trump's America, and we're just living in it - [sighs.]
- And normalizing it.
- Help me out.
- [snoring.]
- Hey, wake up.
- [grunts.]
JEREMY: Mindy, turn off "Family Guy.
" You've seen them all.
We have something to tell you.
- Hey! - Cousin Sheena came to the office and told us - that Tamra's pregnant.
- Well as Tamra's doctor, I can neither confirm nor deny that for HIPPO reasons.
You mean HIPAA? Uh, I'm pretty sure it's HIPPO, because everyone's hungry-hungry - for medical secrets.
- Well, we don't need your confirmation, because I found this book on Tamra's desk "Family Affair: The Mary J.
Blige Guide to a No-Drama Pregnancy"! Okay, well, I won't dispute it.
That is an amazing book.
It teaches you how to stop your baby from holler-ating.
- Oh, cool.
- So it's true.
- She really is pregnant.
- Ah.
Okay, this is none of your business.
It is our business because Jody's the father.
- [giggles.]
- And I'm their supervisor.
Wait, what? Jody's the father? I thought STDs had left him sterile years ago.
We have evidence.
Tell her, Jeremy.
It was the hottest day of summer.
I was carrying 40 pounds of flour.
No, skip that part, babe.
I saw Jody and Tamra on a date together, holding hands.
They must be having - a clandestine affair.
- [chuckles smugly.]
Okay, well, even if that's true, Tamra is an adult woman, and if she wants to raise a baby on her own, she can raise a baby on her own, okay? I don't have a man in my life, and Leo is thriving.
He knows the alphabet better than me.
Well, Jody should at least contribute financially.
He's so rich.
Didn't he just commission a portrait of himself standing over a treasure chest? Yes, I think the painter really captured the feeling I had when I found that treasure chest happiness.
I was supposed to be in the painting, too, but I'm too squirmy, and the painter asked me to leave.
To me, the best art is just a woman breastfeeding in public.
ANNA: Jody we know what you did, and we are not okay with it.
We know you're the father of Tamra's child.
- What? - What? Tamra's pregnant? I never slept with Tamra.
You guys, I really don't think it's Jody.
Trust me.
JEREMY: Well, there's only one way to find out then.
[snaps fingers.]
To phlebotomy! One second.
It seemed you wanted to say something but held back.
What are you guys all doing in here? Tamra, we've heard a pretty shocking rumor about you, and we would like you to confirm if it's true.
Okay, fine.
In my "no makeup" Instagram posts, I secretly have on hella makeup.
- MINDY: [gasps.]
- What? #NaturalBeauty? No, not that.
No, we're referring to something more personal.
Okay, Tamra, as your doctor, you do not need to tell them anything.
You know what? I'm not gonna tell them either, - because of HIPPO.
- We think Jody's the father - of your baby! - [stammers.]
What? No, no, no, no, no.
K didn't impregnate me.
Well, don't say "ew.
" I'm handsome.
Yeah, you can say that again.
But I saw you two going on a date to that Madea movie.
You were holding hands.
- Whoa, what? - No, no, that wasn't a date.
K loves Madea movies, and when he goes to see them alone, everyone just thinks he's a cop.
I want the rest of the audience to feel comfortable laughing at the evil white villain.
Now, we were just there enjoying the work of Georgia's own Tyler Perry and that wonderful actress - who plays Madea.
- Yeah, and at the end of the movie, she taught us all that the true meaning of America is going to church with your family.
Wait, so, if Jody's not the father, - then who is? - Anna, you're such a gossip.
- Get off her jock.
- It's okay, Dr.
It's really no one's business, but since everyone's so curious, - yeah, I'm pregnant.
- [gasps.]
And I used a sperm donor.
Thank you.
I'm sure I have many children out there somewhere, but this is not one of them.
That's wonderful.
We're so happy for you.
Me too.
I was hoping - for better gossip.
- Yeah, didn't we all? - You're really pregnant? - Yeah.
[both chuckle happily.]
I'm so happy for you.
Oh, you see, Colette? Don't worry.
Tamra just told Morgan he's the father.
No, I didn't.
[dramatic music.]
Am I the father? - Kind of.
- [all gasp.]
- Oh, my God! - [all shouting.]
And then when I died, an angel came up to me, and he said that Tamra and I had sired a child and that he would be king of the world.
Oh, please.
You bonked your head for, like, ten seconds.
You were barely out long enough for us to go through your pockets.
I'm sorry about not telling you, Morgan not because you have a right to know as a man #MyBodyMyRules but because you're a good guy who could make a sort of okay dad.
A lot of unplanned pregnancies - for an OB-GYN clinic.
- It happens! Here we go.
Oh, my God.
[touching music.]
Tamra, I don't have a lot of money or a formal education or a casual education and I have feet that smell so bad, my podiatrist quit the business.
But the one thing that I know that works is my heart.
And it beats for you and that unborn child, and I will always love both of you.
Will you marry me? Wow.
That was hella heartfelt.
I know, I know.
But this is all happening a little fast.
I need some time to think.
Oh, definitely.
Think about it, think about it.
Yes! - In your face! - Why? She didn't say no.
I have never been - more cahn-tent.
- [laughs.]
Did you hear? Dr.
Kimball-Kinney got Tamra pregnant.
Can you even? No, you can't.
Oh, no, she's gonna gain so much weight.
Someone else might win "Skinniest Nurse" this year.
Wait, are you two talking about Jody Kimball-Kinney? I'm sorry, Dr.
This is a private conversation spoken very loudly but, yes.
Tell everyone.
[whimsical music.]
Thank you, everyone, for joining me in the courtyard.
This is a huge decision, so I want to make as a big of a production of it - as possible.
- Can we please do this inside? My shoes are very expensive, and there is rat feces everywhere.
So I talked to my family last night about Morgan, and they all unanimously said, "Hell, no, he's a Shrek.
" But they don't know him like you guys do, so what do y'all think? I think you should make whatever decision produces the least carbon.
I say you should be with Morgan.
He'll be obsessed with you forever, just like my high-school drama teacher.
He still writes me letters from prison.
Look, Tamra, this whole thing started because you told me you wanted to have a kid by yourself.
We all love Morgan, but you don't have to be with him just because he offered.
It's very easy for us to tell you to do the romantic thing.
It is way, way harder for you to live with the consequences of that decision.
- Yeah.
- Oh! - There you all are.
- Morgan - I don't have an answer yet.
- I know you haven't.
And that's because I did not give you the proposal that you deserve, but now I got something special.
It's Grandmother's.
And I went to her, and I said, "I have met the future Mrs.
Morgan Tookers.
" And she looked at me and said, [harsh voice.]
"Shut up! I'm watching 'Hannity'!" Tamra Brandy Monica Webb will you make me the happ ah! [all screaming.]
[playful music.]
And when I died I was in this special place and you were there.
- And you were there.
- Oh, that's nice.
- And you were there.
We were having group sex.
- Come on.
- What? Whoa.
We were.
We recorded it.
- Yeah, well - That's my Jell-o.
Nope, I brought it from home.
It says "Luke Presbyterian.
" Morgan, I tried on the ring.
And I like the way it fits.
[uplifting music.]
But more importantly, I like the way it feels.
Does that mean you're gonna say yes? - Yes.
- [gasps.]
But if we're at a really cool party, I reserve the right to pretend like I don't know you.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
Hello, Mary.
A few days ago, a little bird told me that you were interested in me romantically.
But I haven't heard anything since.
I just I heard about you and Tamra's baby.
Oh, well, that was just a rumor.
Morgan the nurse is the father.
Well, I know that now, but before I knew the truth about you and Tamra, I asked around about you.
- Asked men? - Asked women.
- Oh, no.
- You've slept with half the women in this hospital, and the advice they gave me run.
Well, I have changed.
I wouldn't have even wanted to date a woman your age before.
I am instinctively taking off my earrings [New York accent.]
And you are gonna want to be gone by the time I'm done.
- Aah! - What are you doing? Uh this is not my cheesesteak.
I think it belongs to the cleaning lady.
And you know what? I'm gonna fire her right now.
Okay, you know what? It's okay.
You're too far gone anyway.
Listen, I just came to tell you that - I'm leaving the practice.
- Honestly, I think - that's for the best.
- Well, this is an incredibly dysfunctional and close-minded office.
It represents everything that Jill Stein and Jill Soloway fought against.
But before I depart, I I want to express my gratitude.
- Huh? - Oddly, as toxic as this work situation was, it did give me the strength to strike out on my own without my brother.
Turns out, I'm not Elsa after all.
- I am Moana.
- Okay, well, see you! There is something else I wanted to discuss with you.
I was pleasantly surprised by the levelheaded advice you gave to Tamra.
You've grown since we were lovers, but at the same time, your practicality made me a little sad.
The Mindy that I knew and loved had such a romantic spirit, and I hope you don't let that die out.
I did get you something.
This is an Ayurvedic love crystal, and it's for keeping the romantic spirit alive.
So, even as you grow older and clearly march towards diabetes, let that be a reminder to keep your heart open to the possibility of love, no matter how remote the chance may be.
That was mildly insulting throughout, but thank you.
And for what it's worth, I'm glad you didn't kill yourself, which is more than I can say for 75% of the men that I've dated.
Well, it didn't work out for us in this one, but hopefully I'll see you in the next life.
Until then, I'll just say namaste.
[peaceful piano music.]
[Beyoncé's "Sandcastles".]
MINDY: And so, as Brendan Deslaurier left my office, presumably forever, I wondered, "Was he worth knowing?" The thing with people is, you never know who's going to make a lasting impact on you.
BEYONCE: We built sandcastles MINDY: The most annoying person you've ever met could end up changing your life forever.
Someone you've known for a long time, you could've misjudged.
BEYONCE: Don't work out that way MINDY: So, for now, I guess I'll say yes.
BEYONCE: And your heart is broken 'Cause I walked away Oh, oh, oh - And I know I promised - CHORUS: Promised That I couldn't stay, baby Every promise Don't work out that way No, no, no, no, no Every promise Don't work out that way
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