The Mindy Project s06e07 Episode Script
Girl Gone Wild
1 MINDY: Morgan, Morgan! Oh, Colette, where is Morgan with my breakfast gordita? I had my doughnut hours ago.
I can feel my blood sugar plummeting.
Check Phlebotomy.
He and Tamra are canoodling.
It's so unprofessional.
I'm having to clean my cleats out here.
[whacking, dirt scattering.]
MORGAN: Aw, ooh, themed ideas is it too late There you are.
Morgan, what the hell? Where's my breakfast? I'm feeling extremely faint.
If I fall asleep on a patient, that's on you.
Ooh, sorry, Dr.
L.
He's really busy.
We're planning our wedding on interracialweddingplanner.
com.
[gasps.]
Black and white cookies! MORGAN: Yes, yes! TAMRA: That's a good idea.
I'm so sorry.
It's just, when you're staring into your beloved's eyes, time just melts away.
So am I supposed to eat your love for my breakfast? Beverly's got a bag of really wet carrots in the fridge.
She said, "Have at it.
" I don't think they're wet from water.
[quirky music.]
- Hi.
- Oh, my God, did you see "The Bachelorette" last night? I'm sure she's gonna pick Chris Harrison.
I'm afraid I'm a bit behind on my "Bach.
" Anna and I will start a conversation about Magritte.
Before we know it, it's the dawn.
Why is everyone so in love and not their normal, dorky selves where they were desperate enough - to hang out with me? - Why don't you come over to mine and Anna's? We could play charades.
You don't have a partner.
Wait.
You could be partners with Roger.
I am not going to be partners with your stupid bird.
Mindy, since you are alone, maybe you should consider getting a bird.
You can teach it to peck 9-1-1 if you start to choke.
- Please, leave.
- Yes, understandable.
[door closes.]
[chattering.]
Oh, hey, Pepe.
It's so great to see you.
It's hard when all of your friends pair up and don't have time for you anymore.
[raccoon chattering.]
Thanks, I needed that.
I know, at least, you'll never leave me.
[chattering.]
Aah, who the hell is this? Pepe, she's so basic.
Hey, Dr.
L, oh, hey, Pepe, hey, Doreen.
- Aren't they such a cute couple? - I think he can do better.
- What's up? - I have exciting news.
Shine your sunglasses you're going on vacation.
- Vacation? - I just got an email from hotdeals.
darkweb.
com that's where your ex-husband Ben booked your honeymoon.
- The trip's next week.
- My honeymoon? Ben didn't cancel it? Sure was fast to take me off his Postmates account.
No, just get a refund.
I'm not going.
Mm, it's non-refundable.
You know, if Ben's not going, maybe you could take your favorite receptionist.
I am not taking you on my honeymoon with me.
And I am not going on a honeymoon alone.
That's not the kind of pitiful I am.
I guess I'll unpack my bags and just give up my dream of flying on a plane! Oh, hey, Graciela.
Miss Mindy, I have exciting news.
Is it another Jesus pamphlet? I read it already.
I thought it was unrealistic.
No, little Leo has his first girlfriend.
MINDY: What? Even my son is in a relationship? I mean, I shouldn't be surprised, with those dreamy eyes and caramel skin, but still.
When did I become such a loser? If I don't find someone, I'm gonna be alone forever.
Okay, you know what, Graciela? Tomorrow, I want to drop Leo off at his father's house.
I am going on my honeymoon by myself.
I don't even know where it is, but I'm gonna tear that ish up and find me a man.
#One-ymoon.
Starring Melissa McCarthy, this summer, one is the horniest number.
[theme music.]
MINDY: Ah, a window seat, a ticket for Boise, Idaho, and I beat my two seat mates so I can steal their pillows.
Hey, are you stealing my pillow? No, no, I was fluffing it for you.
Oh, nice try, though I would've tried to steal yours if I'd gotten here first.
[both chuckling.]
Oh, typical, I got the broken one.
Would it be okay if I watched yours with you? As long as you don't mind watching "Boss Baby.
" Mind? It is my favorite movie.
I have it memorized.
- Hey, I'm - Excuse me, excuse me.
Hello, looks like I'm in the middle.
Uh, you know what? I don't mind sitting in the middle.
Oh, nah, I don't like getting bumped by the drink cart, and looking out the window makes me dizzy.
Oh, I'm Martha, by the way.
He's handsome, isn't he? Little too young for us though.
[sniffles.]
I feel like I'm getting a little bit of a cold.
[sneezes.]
What is this show about, do you think? I bet it'd be easy to tell if you put your headphones on.
Nah, it's more fun to guess.
What are you reading? Is it the new James Patterson? No one does violence against women like him.
It's called "Wild.
" It's by Reese Witherspoon.
I've only read the table of contents, but I think it's about a hot woman going on an outdoorsy vacation and having a sexy adventure, which is kind of what I'm about to do.
Mm-hmm, but does she solve crimes? I like it when they solve crimes.
You know what? I'm gonna put on my headphones.
[quirky music.]
They're not plugged into anything.
Oh, thank God, I was on the worst flight with the chattiest, most annoying woman.
Two Turtles, Two Turtles! Ah! what are the chances? You're also going to Two Turtles? - Mm-hmm.
- You know what? I'm gonna catch the next van.
I really want to try - the Togo's here.
- This is the only van, and this neighborhood gets real James Patterson-y at night, - if you know what I mean.
- I do.
Come on, I'll save you a seat right next to me.
MINDY: Wow, it's so beautiful.
I feel like I'm in a screensaver.
Or the background of karaoke lyrics.
I had to go through hell to get to heaven, but, man, was it worth it.
Two Turtles resort, do your thing.
[crunch.]
Oh, my God, you stepped on Victor! Victor? Who Victor? He's the turtle you almost just crushed! He's one of the eponymous turtles of the Two Turtles Resort and Healthy Living Retreat.
Oh, my God, I thought he was a hockey puck.
His shell cracked, oh, God! He was run over by a truck and it stayed intact.
- What did you do? - I barely even saw him.
He's so tiny and quiet.
Medic, I need a medic! Oh, thank God, all right, patch up his shell and calm him down, but do not let Victoria see him like this, okay? The other turtle will be very upset.
Just put a Valium in her lettuce and bring one to me.
- [sighs.]
- We got off on a rocky start, but my name's Mindy, and I am here for my one-ymoon, - which is kind of my way to - Look, you know what? I'm gonna stop you right there.
I really can't process whatever it is you're talking about because I'm still PTSDing from when you - almost crushed Victor.
- Can I go to my room? Best if I take you there.
You have to be very careful where you step, all right? We got a lot of wildlife, and you have a heavy tread.
- Follow me.
- Thank you.
BRETT: And here we are.
Oh, hey, Brett, I can't use a twin bed.
I'm planning on having company.
Wink.
[toilet flushes.]
Who are we having over, roomie? What? I'm sharing a room with Martha? Well, your receptionist sent us a long note saying you were gonna come here all alone, so we put you in a double room.
It's peak season for us, so we need to keep the king beds open for people in committed, romantic, fulfilling relationships.
- Okay.
- That seems fair.
Yeah, but don't even worry about it.
We're barely gonna be in the room.
We're gonna be out hiking, doing yoga, spelunking, - climbing Mount Diablo.
- Okay, yeah, Brett, I ain't climbing no Mount Diablo.
No, this is my one-ymoon, so I'm mostly gonna be staying here, watching TV, surfing the Internet Oof, hate to break it to you, but we do not have Internet or TV.
I find the chaos of the campfire infinitely more interesting than any television show.
I'll see you guys at the smoothie social.
I hope you like bitter greens.
- MARTHA: Bye, Brett.
- Oh, come on.
Okay, you know what, Martha? I'm just gonna stay here and play on my phone.
- Oh.
- What? I'm out of data? Oh, what the hell? Ugh, I wish I knew how to close my apps.
Here, I have Sprint Unlimited.
- Oh, works for me.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, sweet data.
Thank you.
I'm just gonna hold on to this phone for as long as I possibly can.
- Mm - Why would my ex-husband think I would even like this place? Well, maybe that's why he's your ex-husband.
You know what, Martha? I don't need your incisive commentary right now.
I just wish I was on vacation, you know? I wanted a mani-pedi, I wanted to pass out at the pool bar, maybe get talked into trying cocaine.
Yeah, I call dibs on that bed.
Martha, you're gonna be in the other bed, because it's closer to the bathroom.
Mm.
Smells weird.
It seems like you're already using it.
MARTHA: True.
MINDY: Whoa.
There are actually some hot guys here, in an outdoorsy, UVA sex scandal-type way.
Hmm, I guess even at a health retreat you can still have a romantic awakening.
Damn it, everybody's coupled up.
Wife, wife, boyfriend, wife.
Excuse me, crazy woman talking to herself.
- Casey? - Brought you a smoothie.
Thank you.
What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Uh, I like this kind of stuff.
What are you doing here? I remember one time, in bed, you told me - you were scared of trees.
- Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not scared of trees.
I hate trees, and I think they should be turned into tables.
I'm having trouble concentrating on your hot take on trees because you got a little smoothie mustache right there.
I got it.
[dreamy music.]
You know, Casey, why don't we go to your room - and catch up a little? - Hey, sweetie.
- Hey, Babe.
- [laughs.]
Mindy, this is my wife, Babe Chen-Peerson.
- Your actual name is Babe? - Yeah, so my parents named me after their favorite movie, "Babe," because we were released the same year, 1995.
- Yeah.
- You're 22 years old, and you're married? I hadn't even kissed a guy - at that age.
- [laughs.]
Isn't she hilarious? This is the woman I was telling you about.
We were actually engaged - about five years ago.
- Oh, when I was - in high school.
- Yeah, yeah, but Mindy's - married too, right? - Yeah, you know, I left him - in New York, but, um - They got divorced.
Gorp? I ate all the chocolate chips, - so it's mostly filberts.
- It's okay.
Mindy, I'm real sorry to hear about that, but it looks like you've rebounded nicely.
You guys are a cute couple.
No, no, I'm not I'm not with her.
You know what? I'm tired.
I'm gonna go back to my room, hit the hay, maybe check for flights out of here, slit my wrists, so - CASEY: Okay.
- BABE: Oh, sorry about your divorce.
Thank you.
BRETT: Yeah, this is a red oak, and this is a white oak.
- You can tell by the leaves.
- Oh.
- You see that? - It's not red or white though.
Exactly, yeah, they're green.
- Hey, Brett? - Oh, yeah? When is the hike over? Over? This is the trailhead.
- We're just starting.
- Wait, then what did we just do? The very short walk from the parking lot? I lost a toe nail! [sighs.]
Psst, here, bought 'em off a cleaning lady.
$10 a pop, so Thank you so much.
I'm starving.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
Just one? No, that's great.
I love it.
Oh, yours has peanut better chips in it, huh? No, this is so generous.
I love it.
- Thank you, thank you so much.
- You're welcome, great.
- Yeah.
- BRETT: Okay, everybody, we're gonna get started before the rattlesnakes wake up.
You know what? I should not have shouted that.
They are now awake.
Let's go, let's go.
Come on.
Let's hop to it.
Keep your feet high.
Oh, right there we got some mule deer droppings.
- That's nice.
- I was ovulating last night, and yet, when I came back from brushing my teeth, - you were snoring your head off.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
I was tired.
You had to watch another episode of "House of Cards.
" You're always tired.
I guess that's what I get - for marrying a much older guy.
- Okay, you know what? We talked about this.
Age is different for men.
Yes, you are 15 years younger than me, but in the eyes of society, I'm younger than you.
BABE: Whatever.
You know what? Since I'm not tired, I'm gonna hike up to that South American couple because I bet they had sex - last night.
- Every South American couple has sex every night.
You can't compare.
Martha, Martha, Martha, trouble in paradise.
I guess they're not having sex.
He never had that problem when he was with me.
Is Casey the guy or the girl? And yet you can tell birds apart? He's the guy.
Ugh, Martha.
Kind of girl's name, Mindy.
If we're lucky, we'll see a bear.
- If we're lucky.
- Oh, good.
Okay, guys, the straggler caught up.
We can go now.
Break's over.
No, no, no, I need a break, more than these people - 'cause I'm the worst one.
- Yeah, but we've been here for seven or eight minutes, and if we wait any longer, we're gonna cramp up.
I can already feel that lactic acid building in my calves, come on.
You know what? I don't mind hanging back, Brett in fact, I've got some experience tricking Mindy into moving.
I'll just tell her that Oscar Isaac's - on top of the mountain.
- What? Oscar Isaac's here? - Where? - See? Sorry, guys, I can't let you do that.
It's a big part of Two Turtles resort to leave the weakest behind, see if they can fend for themselves.
- Really? - Yeah.
The resort was founded by Ayn Rand.
Look, all you have to do is follow the trail to the waterfall, okay? It's the easiest thing I've ever asked anybody to do.
Yeah, but what if I see a rattlesnake? Well, you won't see them as much as you'll hear them, but by then it's too late.
Okay, folks, as I was saying, this area is called Rattlesnake Gulch.
[rattling.]
MINDY: Oh, great.
A fork in the road? Ugh, no signal.
Okay, Mindy, left or right? I know I'm looking for a waterfall.
"Don't go chasing waterfalls," TLC.
Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes, left.
I could be a trail guide.
I've been walking for hours, and no sign of any waterfall.
It's so hot.
I'm so thirsty.
Should I drink my own pee? Ooh, a cave.
Maybe I can cool off and come up with a plan, or a bear will share its honey with me.
Ah aah! [grunting.]
[grunting.]
Oh, God, my ponytail's stuck.
Help, help! Somebody help me! [birds shrieking.]
Oh, God, I must be getting delirious.
I'm starting to question some of the choices I've made in my life.
Hey, it's your girl, Mindy.
Coming to you live from a cave I fell into.
I can't get any Internet, so whoever finds me and my phone, you'll have to upload it later.
And if I die, tell Leo I love him.
And tell Morgan to clear my search history.
WOMAN: Hey! Who's there? Snap out of it! Oh, my God, Reese Witherspoon? What are you doing here in the middle of the woods? [gasps.]
Oh, no, you're in rehab.
I knew it.
You know what? If you can help me out of here, I will write you a prescription for whatever you want.
No, I am here to teach you some hard truths, dummy.
Hard truths? No, no, pass.
I choose dare.
I dare you to kiss me.
You're my celebrity hall pass.
Oh, that's so weird 'cause you're my non-celebrity hall pass.
- Really? - No, that's not a thing.
And besides, why do you need a celebrity hall pass? You're not even dating anybody.
You're divorced and single.
Damn, Reese Witherspoon, that's cold as hell.
I thought you were supposed to be America's sweetheart.
I thought you were supposed to give me advice like, "I will find my one true love if I give up my big city ways and go back to my down home roots.
" Is that the plot of "Sweet Home Alabama"? - Yeah.
- That is a movie.
- Movies aren't real, Mindy.
- Okay, well, if movies aren't real, what about this one? It's called "Wild.
" It says it's based on - a true story.
- Mm-hmm.
- Did you ready it? - No, I bought it because you were on the cover, and I really like this bob hairstyle on you.
If you had read it or watched the movie, you would know that life isn't about finding a man.
It's about finding yourself.
Why would I need to find myself? I know where I am Idaho.
Iowa? - Ohio? - Life is not like the movies, Mindy.
You can't get into Harvard Law School by submitting a video tape of yourself in a bikini.
They also don't shut down all of Tiffany's for one wedding proposal.
And sometimes life doesn't have a happy ending.
How dare you? Your movies are a bunch of lies, and I demand a refund for every ticket that I've ever bought to your films and for "Failure to Launch," which you weren't even in.
You know what? I am gonna leave you here.
You clearly have a lot of thinking to do.
You've already done a lot of farting.
No, that's sulfur I think it's sulfur from the ground.
- It's disgusting.
- You know what, Reese? If you can't help me, can you at least run back to the resort and grab me a soda, not diet? I'm sorry, Mindy I'm an apparition.
The real Reese Witherspoon is wandering around Brentwood Country Mart trying to remember where she parked her car.
You're gonna have to save yourself, Mindy.
Good-bye.
Reese, no! What a bad celebrity hallucination.
At least she looked hot.
Damn it, my hair's really stuck.
Okay, there's gotta be something in my bag that can chip away at this rock.
Fidget spinner, fidget spinner.
Toe nail clipper.
[groans.]
I hope everyone's enjoying the classy wine mixer while this woman of color was left for dead.
Oh, hey, Martha, great to see you.
What the hell? You're my roommate.
You didn't try to come find me? I am so sorry.
For a while, I thought I heard you behind me, but it turned out to be a weasel with indigestion.
Well, I almost died alone in the wilderness, so Hey, you made it.
Cool haircut.
I really thought you were gonna be a statistic.
Wow, you did miss the s'mores though.
I'm sorry.
We have one graham cracker left.
No marshmallow or chocolate though.
I should not have come here.
Reese Witherspoon was right.
There is no happy ending for a single mom in her 30s looking for love.
The world belongs to 20-somethings and turtles.
Peace.
[quirky music.]
Hi, sir, do you mind putting this in the trunk? We're not supposed to do that.
I could hurt my back and sue the company.
Can't your husband do it? CASEY: Babe, you're reading way too much into this.
Well, I'm done ovulating, and we've missed another month.
Now our baby's gonna have a summer birthday.
He won't get cupcakes at school.
You know what? It's the altitude.
It's gotta be.
I'm drained, and do you ever hear about people making babies on top of Mount Everest? No, you don't.
BABE: You think you're so smart just because you're a pastor and I'm just an inner thigh model for American Apparel.
Oh, my God Babe.
Hello, why isn't your suitcase in the trunk? I'm beginning to think you don't have a husband.
Just give me a second, okay? - Hey, Casey.
- Hey whoa.
That doesn't look good.
Well, if my chic bob is uncool, then Katy Perry's haircut is also uncool.
No, no, she pulls it off 'cause she's got, like, big blue eyes and massive boobs to kind of help pull it all together.
Okay, fine, listen, I was eavesdropping on you two.
- You're lying to your wife.
- I'm not lying to my wife.
I know for a fact that you can have sex at high altitudes.
Remember, we did it on the plane to Haiti.
- We broke a toilet.
- No, you broke a toilet, - then we had sex.
- All right, let's just agree that the toilet was broken before we got there.
The point is, I work with women every day who are trying to get pregnant.
Do you know how devastating it can be for a woman who wants to have a baby and can't? Yeah, yes, look, I don't know, I It's just, we got married, and I don't know if I'm ready to have kids yet.
I'm only 38.
It just feels like babies - making babies.
- Casey, you have lived more lives than any person I have ever met, okay? You're a pastor, you're a DJ, you're a shoe mogul.
I had a cold-pressed juice store in Boulder, but I got ran out of town by the weed.
See? It's time for you to be a dad.
You know, I forgot how much you know me.
Hm.
- Thanks, babe.
- Are you kidding me? I came back here because you were supposed to run after me, but instead you're here talking to her? Babe, this isn't what it looks like, Babe, okay? She means nothing to me.
She's basically like an older sister-type something.
If you had sex with your older sister, like, a million times, but okay.
Wait, wait, is this why you're not having sex with me? Because you wanna rekindle your thing with this old woman - and her terrible haircut? - Okay, well, if my haircut is terrible, then I guess Katy oh! I think it looks bad on both of you! I am the only one that can pull off short hair.
Oh, Babe, hey.
MINDY: This happens to me too much.
Whoa, you look bad.
Is it my hair or my face? Not helping each other.
- Ugh.
- Here.
- I got you a treat.
- What? Martha, where did you get these? I stole it from Brett.
He keeps them in a shame locker.
There's also an old "Maxim" magazine with Megan Fox.
- Do you want it? - Oh, my God, I love her.
"Megan Fox, Hollywood's funniest woman.
" Thank you I can't believe you stole these.
I had to.
By day two at two turtles, my husband, Bill, used to sneak me a bag of candy because I just couldn't take it anymore.
Wow.
You have a husband.
Huh, so he's at home taking care of your, I wanna say, like, eight cats? No, actually, he died in February.
You're right about the cats.
Bill and I used to come here every year for 15 years.
Wow, February.
Martha, that's so recent.
Doesn't it make you sad to come here without him? Look, I met you.
I'd never met an Indian person before.
I think I like them.
The thing I learned is that anything or anybody can get taken from you at any time.
The only vacation partner you know will always be around is you, so you better like spending time with them.
Martha, that was hella reassuring.
Wait, you're not, like, a spirit that haunts this resort and gives out good advice, are you? No.
Ow! Okay.
I guess Reese Witherspoon was right.
And so was Martha.
I didn't need to meet a man to have a great vacation.
I needed to meet myself, and, as it turns out, I'm pretty cool.
Hey, Mindy, thanks for all your help.
Babe and I had sex.
- Casey! - Good to know.
You used to be engaged to that guy? I was.
He's actually a great guy.
He just he wasn't my Bill.
Yeah, well, they can't all be.
You know, I see you with someone sharper, feistier.
Someone who can keep up with you.
Someone who can tell you to shut up when you're being a bit much.
[poignant music.]
I actually know someone like that, but that didn't work out either.
Well, life is long.
[HAIM's "Little of Your Love".]
WOMAN: You're just another recovering heart I wasn't even gonna try You wouldn't even give the time Don't be so easy and make it hard Hey, don't think about it all too much My love is gonna be enough You're so close now And I know now You gotta give me just a little of your love, baby And I'll try You gotta give me just a little of your love
I can feel my blood sugar plummeting.
Check Phlebotomy.
He and Tamra are canoodling.
It's so unprofessional.
I'm having to clean my cleats out here.
[whacking, dirt scattering.]
MORGAN: Aw, ooh, themed ideas is it too late There you are.
Morgan, what the hell? Where's my breakfast? I'm feeling extremely faint.
If I fall asleep on a patient, that's on you.
Ooh, sorry, Dr.
L.
He's really busy.
We're planning our wedding on interracialweddingplanner.
com.
[gasps.]
Black and white cookies! MORGAN: Yes, yes! TAMRA: That's a good idea.
I'm so sorry.
It's just, when you're staring into your beloved's eyes, time just melts away.
So am I supposed to eat your love for my breakfast? Beverly's got a bag of really wet carrots in the fridge.
She said, "Have at it.
" I don't think they're wet from water.
[quirky music.]
- Hi.
- Oh, my God, did you see "The Bachelorette" last night? I'm sure she's gonna pick Chris Harrison.
I'm afraid I'm a bit behind on my "Bach.
" Anna and I will start a conversation about Magritte.
Before we know it, it's the dawn.
Why is everyone so in love and not their normal, dorky selves where they were desperate enough - to hang out with me? - Why don't you come over to mine and Anna's? We could play charades.
You don't have a partner.
Wait.
You could be partners with Roger.
I am not going to be partners with your stupid bird.
Mindy, since you are alone, maybe you should consider getting a bird.
You can teach it to peck 9-1-1 if you start to choke.
- Please, leave.
- Yes, understandable.
[door closes.]
[chattering.]
Oh, hey, Pepe.
It's so great to see you.
It's hard when all of your friends pair up and don't have time for you anymore.
[raccoon chattering.]
Thanks, I needed that.
I know, at least, you'll never leave me.
[chattering.]
Aah, who the hell is this? Pepe, she's so basic.
Hey, Dr.
L, oh, hey, Pepe, hey, Doreen.
- Aren't they such a cute couple? - I think he can do better.
- What's up? - I have exciting news.
Shine your sunglasses you're going on vacation.
- Vacation? - I just got an email from hotdeals.
darkweb.
com that's where your ex-husband Ben booked your honeymoon.
- The trip's next week.
- My honeymoon? Ben didn't cancel it? Sure was fast to take me off his Postmates account.
No, just get a refund.
I'm not going.
Mm, it's non-refundable.
You know, if Ben's not going, maybe you could take your favorite receptionist.
I am not taking you on my honeymoon with me.
And I am not going on a honeymoon alone.
That's not the kind of pitiful I am.
I guess I'll unpack my bags and just give up my dream of flying on a plane! Oh, hey, Graciela.
Miss Mindy, I have exciting news.
Is it another Jesus pamphlet? I read it already.
I thought it was unrealistic.
No, little Leo has his first girlfriend.
MINDY: What? Even my son is in a relationship? I mean, I shouldn't be surprised, with those dreamy eyes and caramel skin, but still.
When did I become such a loser? If I don't find someone, I'm gonna be alone forever.
Okay, you know what, Graciela? Tomorrow, I want to drop Leo off at his father's house.
I am going on my honeymoon by myself.
I don't even know where it is, but I'm gonna tear that ish up and find me a man.
#One-ymoon.
Starring Melissa McCarthy, this summer, one is the horniest number.
[theme music.]
MINDY: Ah, a window seat, a ticket for Boise, Idaho, and I beat my two seat mates so I can steal their pillows.
Hey, are you stealing my pillow? No, no, I was fluffing it for you.
Oh, nice try, though I would've tried to steal yours if I'd gotten here first.
[both chuckling.]
Oh, typical, I got the broken one.
Would it be okay if I watched yours with you? As long as you don't mind watching "Boss Baby.
" Mind? It is my favorite movie.
I have it memorized.
- Hey, I'm - Excuse me, excuse me.
Hello, looks like I'm in the middle.
Uh, you know what? I don't mind sitting in the middle.
Oh, nah, I don't like getting bumped by the drink cart, and looking out the window makes me dizzy.
Oh, I'm Martha, by the way.
He's handsome, isn't he? Little too young for us though.
[sniffles.]
I feel like I'm getting a little bit of a cold.
[sneezes.]
What is this show about, do you think? I bet it'd be easy to tell if you put your headphones on.
Nah, it's more fun to guess.
What are you reading? Is it the new James Patterson? No one does violence against women like him.
It's called "Wild.
" It's by Reese Witherspoon.
I've only read the table of contents, but I think it's about a hot woman going on an outdoorsy vacation and having a sexy adventure, which is kind of what I'm about to do.
Mm-hmm, but does she solve crimes? I like it when they solve crimes.
You know what? I'm gonna put on my headphones.
[quirky music.]
They're not plugged into anything.
Oh, thank God, I was on the worst flight with the chattiest, most annoying woman.
Two Turtles, Two Turtles! Ah! what are the chances? You're also going to Two Turtles? - Mm-hmm.
- You know what? I'm gonna catch the next van.
I really want to try - the Togo's here.
- This is the only van, and this neighborhood gets real James Patterson-y at night, - if you know what I mean.
- I do.
Come on, I'll save you a seat right next to me.
MINDY: Wow, it's so beautiful.
I feel like I'm in a screensaver.
Or the background of karaoke lyrics.
I had to go through hell to get to heaven, but, man, was it worth it.
Two Turtles resort, do your thing.
[crunch.]
Oh, my God, you stepped on Victor! Victor? Who Victor? He's the turtle you almost just crushed! He's one of the eponymous turtles of the Two Turtles Resort and Healthy Living Retreat.
Oh, my God, I thought he was a hockey puck.
His shell cracked, oh, God! He was run over by a truck and it stayed intact.
- What did you do? - I barely even saw him.
He's so tiny and quiet.
Medic, I need a medic! Oh, thank God, all right, patch up his shell and calm him down, but do not let Victoria see him like this, okay? The other turtle will be very upset.
Just put a Valium in her lettuce and bring one to me.
- [sighs.]
- We got off on a rocky start, but my name's Mindy, and I am here for my one-ymoon, - which is kind of my way to - Look, you know what? I'm gonna stop you right there.
I really can't process whatever it is you're talking about because I'm still PTSDing from when you - almost crushed Victor.
- Can I go to my room? Best if I take you there.
You have to be very careful where you step, all right? We got a lot of wildlife, and you have a heavy tread.
- Follow me.
- Thank you.
BRETT: And here we are.
Oh, hey, Brett, I can't use a twin bed.
I'm planning on having company.
Wink.
[toilet flushes.]
Who are we having over, roomie? What? I'm sharing a room with Martha? Well, your receptionist sent us a long note saying you were gonna come here all alone, so we put you in a double room.
It's peak season for us, so we need to keep the king beds open for people in committed, romantic, fulfilling relationships.
- Okay.
- That seems fair.
Yeah, but don't even worry about it.
We're barely gonna be in the room.
We're gonna be out hiking, doing yoga, spelunking, - climbing Mount Diablo.
- Okay, yeah, Brett, I ain't climbing no Mount Diablo.
No, this is my one-ymoon, so I'm mostly gonna be staying here, watching TV, surfing the Internet Oof, hate to break it to you, but we do not have Internet or TV.
I find the chaos of the campfire infinitely more interesting than any television show.
I'll see you guys at the smoothie social.
I hope you like bitter greens.
- MARTHA: Bye, Brett.
- Oh, come on.
Okay, you know what, Martha? I'm just gonna stay here and play on my phone.
- Oh.
- What? I'm out of data? Oh, what the hell? Ugh, I wish I knew how to close my apps.
Here, I have Sprint Unlimited.
- Oh, works for me.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, sweet data.
Thank you.
I'm just gonna hold on to this phone for as long as I possibly can.
- Mm - Why would my ex-husband think I would even like this place? Well, maybe that's why he's your ex-husband.
You know what, Martha? I don't need your incisive commentary right now.
I just wish I was on vacation, you know? I wanted a mani-pedi, I wanted to pass out at the pool bar, maybe get talked into trying cocaine.
Yeah, I call dibs on that bed.
Martha, you're gonna be in the other bed, because it's closer to the bathroom.
Mm.
Smells weird.
It seems like you're already using it.
MARTHA: True.
MINDY: Whoa.
There are actually some hot guys here, in an outdoorsy, UVA sex scandal-type way.
Hmm, I guess even at a health retreat you can still have a romantic awakening.
Damn it, everybody's coupled up.
Wife, wife, boyfriend, wife.
Excuse me, crazy woman talking to herself.
- Casey? - Brought you a smoothie.
Thank you.
What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Uh, I like this kind of stuff.
What are you doing here? I remember one time, in bed, you told me - you were scared of trees.
- Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not scared of trees.
I hate trees, and I think they should be turned into tables.
I'm having trouble concentrating on your hot take on trees because you got a little smoothie mustache right there.
I got it.
[dreamy music.]
You know, Casey, why don't we go to your room - and catch up a little? - Hey, sweetie.
- Hey, Babe.
- [laughs.]
Mindy, this is my wife, Babe Chen-Peerson.
- Your actual name is Babe? - Yeah, so my parents named me after their favorite movie, "Babe," because we were released the same year, 1995.
- Yeah.
- You're 22 years old, and you're married? I hadn't even kissed a guy - at that age.
- [laughs.]
Isn't she hilarious? This is the woman I was telling you about.
We were actually engaged - about five years ago.
- Oh, when I was - in high school.
- Yeah, yeah, but Mindy's - married too, right? - Yeah, you know, I left him - in New York, but, um - They got divorced.
Gorp? I ate all the chocolate chips, - so it's mostly filberts.
- It's okay.
Mindy, I'm real sorry to hear about that, but it looks like you've rebounded nicely.
You guys are a cute couple.
No, no, I'm not I'm not with her.
You know what? I'm tired.
I'm gonna go back to my room, hit the hay, maybe check for flights out of here, slit my wrists, so - CASEY: Okay.
- BABE: Oh, sorry about your divorce.
Thank you.
BRETT: Yeah, this is a red oak, and this is a white oak.
- You can tell by the leaves.
- Oh.
- You see that? - It's not red or white though.
Exactly, yeah, they're green.
- Hey, Brett? - Oh, yeah? When is the hike over? Over? This is the trailhead.
- We're just starting.
- Wait, then what did we just do? The very short walk from the parking lot? I lost a toe nail! [sighs.]
Psst, here, bought 'em off a cleaning lady.
$10 a pop, so Thank you so much.
I'm starving.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
Just one? No, that's great.
I love it.
Oh, yours has peanut better chips in it, huh? No, this is so generous.
I love it.
- Thank you, thank you so much.
- You're welcome, great.
- Yeah.
- BRETT: Okay, everybody, we're gonna get started before the rattlesnakes wake up.
You know what? I should not have shouted that.
They are now awake.
Let's go, let's go.
Come on.
Let's hop to it.
Keep your feet high.
Oh, right there we got some mule deer droppings.
- That's nice.
- I was ovulating last night, and yet, when I came back from brushing my teeth, - you were snoring your head off.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
I was tired.
You had to watch another episode of "House of Cards.
" You're always tired.
I guess that's what I get - for marrying a much older guy.
- Okay, you know what? We talked about this.
Age is different for men.
Yes, you are 15 years younger than me, but in the eyes of society, I'm younger than you.
BABE: Whatever.
You know what? Since I'm not tired, I'm gonna hike up to that South American couple because I bet they had sex - last night.
- Every South American couple has sex every night.
You can't compare.
Martha, Martha, Martha, trouble in paradise.
I guess they're not having sex.
He never had that problem when he was with me.
Is Casey the guy or the girl? And yet you can tell birds apart? He's the guy.
Ugh, Martha.
Kind of girl's name, Mindy.
If we're lucky, we'll see a bear.
- If we're lucky.
- Oh, good.
Okay, guys, the straggler caught up.
We can go now.
Break's over.
No, no, no, I need a break, more than these people - 'cause I'm the worst one.
- Yeah, but we've been here for seven or eight minutes, and if we wait any longer, we're gonna cramp up.
I can already feel that lactic acid building in my calves, come on.
You know what? I don't mind hanging back, Brett in fact, I've got some experience tricking Mindy into moving.
I'll just tell her that Oscar Isaac's - on top of the mountain.
- What? Oscar Isaac's here? - Where? - See? Sorry, guys, I can't let you do that.
It's a big part of Two Turtles resort to leave the weakest behind, see if they can fend for themselves.
- Really? - Yeah.
The resort was founded by Ayn Rand.
Look, all you have to do is follow the trail to the waterfall, okay? It's the easiest thing I've ever asked anybody to do.
Yeah, but what if I see a rattlesnake? Well, you won't see them as much as you'll hear them, but by then it's too late.
Okay, folks, as I was saying, this area is called Rattlesnake Gulch.
[rattling.]
MINDY: Oh, great.
A fork in the road? Ugh, no signal.
Okay, Mindy, left or right? I know I'm looking for a waterfall.
"Don't go chasing waterfalls," TLC.
Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes, left.
I could be a trail guide.
I've been walking for hours, and no sign of any waterfall.
It's so hot.
I'm so thirsty.
Should I drink my own pee? Ooh, a cave.
Maybe I can cool off and come up with a plan, or a bear will share its honey with me.
Ah aah! [grunting.]
[grunting.]
Oh, God, my ponytail's stuck.
Help, help! Somebody help me! [birds shrieking.]
Oh, God, I must be getting delirious.
I'm starting to question some of the choices I've made in my life.
Hey, it's your girl, Mindy.
Coming to you live from a cave I fell into.
I can't get any Internet, so whoever finds me and my phone, you'll have to upload it later.
And if I die, tell Leo I love him.
And tell Morgan to clear my search history.
WOMAN: Hey! Who's there? Snap out of it! Oh, my God, Reese Witherspoon? What are you doing here in the middle of the woods? [gasps.]
Oh, no, you're in rehab.
I knew it.
You know what? If you can help me out of here, I will write you a prescription for whatever you want.
No, I am here to teach you some hard truths, dummy.
Hard truths? No, no, pass.
I choose dare.
I dare you to kiss me.
You're my celebrity hall pass.
Oh, that's so weird 'cause you're my non-celebrity hall pass.
- Really? - No, that's not a thing.
And besides, why do you need a celebrity hall pass? You're not even dating anybody.
You're divorced and single.
Damn, Reese Witherspoon, that's cold as hell.
I thought you were supposed to be America's sweetheart.
I thought you were supposed to give me advice like, "I will find my one true love if I give up my big city ways and go back to my down home roots.
" Is that the plot of "Sweet Home Alabama"? - Yeah.
- That is a movie.
- Movies aren't real, Mindy.
- Okay, well, if movies aren't real, what about this one? It's called "Wild.
" It says it's based on - a true story.
- Mm-hmm.
- Did you ready it? - No, I bought it because you were on the cover, and I really like this bob hairstyle on you.
If you had read it or watched the movie, you would know that life isn't about finding a man.
It's about finding yourself.
Why would I need to find myself? I know where I am Idaho.
Iowa? - Ohio? - Life is not like the movies, Mindy.
You can't get into Harvard Law School by submitting a video tape of yourself in a bikini.
They also don't shut down all of Tiffany's for one wedding proposal.
And sometimes life doesn't have a happy ending.
How dare you? Your movies are a bunch of lies, and I demand a refund for every ticket that I've ever bought to your films and for "Failure to Launch," which you weren't even in.
You know what? I am gonna leave you here.
You clearly have a lot of thinking to do.
You've already done a lot of farting.
No, that's sulfur I think it's sulfur from the ground.
- It's disgusting.
- You know what, Reese? If you can't help me, can you at least run back to the resort and grab me a soda, not diet? I'm sorry, Mindy I'm an apparition.
The real Reese Witherspoon is wandering around Brentwood Country Mart trying to remember where she parked her car.
You're gonna have to save yourself, Mindy.
Good-bye.
Reese, no! What a bad celebrity hallucination.
At least she looked hot.
Damn it, my hair's really stuck.
Okay, there's gotta be something in my bag that can chip away at this rock.
Fidget spinner, fidget spinner.
Toe nail clipper.
[groans.]
I hope everyone's enjoying the classy wine mixer while this woman of color was left for dead.
Oh, hey, Martha, great to see you.
What the hell? You're my roommate.
You didn't try to come find me? I am so sorry.
For a while, I thought I heard you behind me, but it turned out to be a weasel with indigestion.
Well, I almost died alone in the wilderness, so Hey, you made it.
Cool haircut.
I really thought you were gonna be a statistic.
Wow, you did miss the s'mores though.
I'm sorry.
We have one graham cracker left.
No marshmallow or chocolate though.
I should not have come here.
Reese Witherspoon was right.
There is no happy ending for a single mom in her 30s looking for love.
The world belongs to 20-somethings and turtles.
Peace.
[quirky music.]
Hi, sir, do you mind putting this in the trunk? We're not supposed to do that.
I could hurt my back and sue the company.
Can't your husband do it? CASEY: Babe, you're reading way too much into this.
Well, I'm done ovulating, and we've missed another month.
Now our baby's gonna have a summer birthday.
He won't get cupcakes at school.
You know what? It's the altitude.
It's gotta be.
I'm drained, and do you ever hear about people making babies on top of Mount Everest? No, you don't.
BABE: You think you're so smart just because you're a pastor and I'm just an inner thigh model for American Apparel.
Oh, my God Babe.
Hello, why isn't your suitcase in the trunk? I'm beginning to think you don't have a husband.
Just give me a second, okay? - Hey, Casey.
- Hey whoa.
That doesn't look good.
Well, if my chic bob is uncool, then Katy Perry's haircut is also uncool.
No, no, she pulls it off 'cause she's got, like, big blue eyes and massive boobs to kind of help pull it all together.
Okay, fine, listen, I was eavesdropping on you two.
- You're lying to your wife.
- I'm not lying to my wife.
I know for a fact that you can have sex at high altitudes.
Remember, we did it on the plane to Haiti.
- We broke a toilet.
- No, you broke a toilet, - then we had sex.
- All right, let's just agree that the toilet was broken before we got there.
The point is, I work with women every day who are trying to get pregnant.
Do you know how devastating it can be for a woman who wants to have a baby and can't? Yeah, yes, look, I don't know, I It's just, we got married, and I don't know if I'm ready to have kids yet.
I'm only 38.
It just feels like babies - making babies.
- Casey, you have lived more lives than any person I have ever met, okay? You're a pastor, you're a DJ, you're a shoe mogul.
I had a cold-pressed juice store in Boulder, but I got ran out of town by the weed.
See? It's time for you to be a dad.
You know, I forgot how much you know me.
Hm.
- Thanks, babe.
- Are you kidding me? I came back here because you were supposed to run after me, but instead you're here talking to her? Babe, this isn't what it looks like, Babe, okay? She means nothing to me.
She's basically like an older sister-type something.
If you had sex with your older sister, like, a million times, but okay.
Wait, wait, is this why you're not having sex with me? Because you wanna rekindle your thing with this old woman - and her terrible haircut? - Okay, well, if my haircut is terrible, then I guess Katy oh! I think it looks bad on both of you! I am the only one that can pull off short hair.
Oh, Babe, hey.
MINDY: This happens to me too much.
Whoa, you look bad.
Is it my hair or my face? Not helping each other.
- Ugh.
- Here.
- I got you a treat.
- What? Martha, where did you get these? I stole it from Brett.
He keeps them in a shame locker.
There's also an old "Maxim" magazine with Megan Fox.
- Do you want it? - Oh, my God, I love her.
"Megan Fox, Hollywood's funniest woman.
" Thank you I can't believe you stole these.
I had to.
By day two at two turtles, my husband, Bill, used to sneak me a bag of candy because I just couldn't take it anymore.
Wow.
You have a husband.
Huh, so he's at home taking care of your, I wanna say, like, eight cats? No, actually, he died in February.
You're right about the cats.
Bill and I used to come here every year for 15 years.
Wow, February.
Martha, that's so recent.
Doesn't it make you sad to come here without him? Look, I met you.
I'd never met an Indian person before.
I think I like them.
The thing I learned is that anything or anybody can get taken from you at any time.
The only vacation partner you know will always be around is you, so you better like spending time with them.
Martha, that was hella reassuring.
Wait, you're not, like, a spirit that haunts this resort and gives out good advice, are you? No.
Ow! Okay.
I guess Reese Witherspoon was right.
And so was Martha.
I didn't need to meet a man to have a great vacation.
I needed to meet myself, and, as it turns out, I'm pretty cool.
Hey, Mindy, thanks for all your help.
Babe and I had sex.
- Casey! - Good to know.
You used to be engaged to that guy? I was.
He's actually a great guy.
He just he wasn't my Bill.
Yeah, well, they can't all be.
You know, I see you with someone sharper, feistier.
Someone who can keep up with you.
Someone who can tell you to shut up when you're being a bit much.
[poignant music.]
I actually know someone like that, but that didn't work out either.
Well, life is long.
[HAIM's "Little of Your Love".]
WOMAN: You're just another recovering heart I wasn't even gonna try You wouldn't even give the time Don't be so easy and make it hard Hey, don't think about it all too much My love is gonna be enough You're so close now And I know now You gotta give me just a little of your love, baby And I'll try You gotta give me just a little of your love