The Mistress (1985) s01e04 Episode Script

Max, you know the problems.
We'll sort it out.
I know you're a married man, you have a wife.
I'm in a corner, a dark corner.
We mustn't be found.
Supposing I want a child, Luke? Well, I might, mightn't I? I just might.
How are we going to sort that out?' Hello, the time is one minute to eight o'clock and we have the main news following this message.
Have you got tired skin? You need Schumara.
Cup of tea, darling? Thank you, darling.
When you're over 25, you need gentle skincare and I've found the very thing.
It's soft and creamy, and it's kind to tired skin.
Brings back the life in your life.
Want to know my secret? - Schumara.
- Schumara.
How could I go through my life not knowing that? Hang on, I'm coming.
Hello, Jen.
Good morning, Max.
I've brought your pink sweater back.
Coffee? Er, yes, just a quick one.
- You alright? - Hmm.
What are you going to do on your day off? Oh, I don't know.
Hadn't thought about it.
Not that I ever see Luke on a Saturday, anyway.
Saturday is the day that he sits in his car outside the supermarket and waits for his wife to emerge with a box of groceries.
Hey, come on, do you really want that? No, but when you get that you get other things, like breakfast together, honest open breakfasts, not the kind we have, all tense and alert.
Even when we have it in a hotel bedroom, he puts his dark glasses on in case he catches sight of himself in the mirror.
It must be difficult loving two people.
Separate demands, separate houses, rushing from one to the other.
A bit like being a sheepdog, except if he gets his sheep in the same pen, he's in real trouble.
Schumara.
What? Schumara.
It's the answer to life.
You put this stuff on your face at night and in the morning a man brings you a cup of tea.
Ooh, Jen! My life seems to be filled with a sense of doom.
It's a strain when they're married.
Perhaps if you Well, perhaps if you tried to, you know, find someone else.
I know you love him, I know that.
Well, if you know that, Jen, then finding someone else isn't exactly the natural thing to do.
Then don't find someone, just let him go.
Why should I let him go? Because he belongs to someone else.
You know, Jen, when you're trying to sort your life out, the perfectly obvious doesn't occur to you.
Ooop, time I went and opened your shop, I think.
Yes, you do that, thanks.
- Bruce loved your sweater.
- Oh, good.
- I didn't tell him it was yours.
- No, quite right.
I'll go then.
- Bye.
- Yes.
Bye Thanks, Jen.
Max! - Max.
- Don't 'Max' me.
What have I done? Nothing, nothing, you've done nothing, that's what you've done! So how come I'm in trouble if I've done nothing? Well, when two people have made love, they usually do something, like talk, like touch, like stay awake.
I'm tired, that's all.
You're always tired.
I'm not always tired.
Ooh, do you think I haven't noticed your sneaky yawns behind your hand, beneath the bedclothes? You go to any lengths to have a sneaky yawn.
I've even noticed you looking for something you haven't even dropped to have a sneaky yawn! You've forgotten one important fact, of course, it's midnight! I mean, I'm not alone, the world is full of people yawning.
All we've done is make love.
It's a simple human activity.
And you fall back onto the bed like a rhinoceros in the last throws of its life! Do you know why we yawn? It's bedtime, it's the end of the day.
Well, I only ever see you at bedtime, don't I? That's another exaggeration, another accusation.
- I see you often.
I see you - When? In the day, at lunchtime.
Oh, you mean when you beep outside my shop as you tear through the town like a fire engine? We go for walks, yes, we often go for walks.
We don't go for walks, we go for creeps.
I do my best, I People who rob banks are more relaxed than we are! I do my best.
I'm a married man, it's not easy.
Ooh, you keep saying that - It's not easy.
Why should it be easy?! You're the only person I know who eats all his cake and ends up with more than he started with.
Yes, I have a great time! I wake up in the morning and phone you, while Helen's grinding the coffee, to keep you happy.
Then I rush past your shop in my lunch hour to beep my horn, to keep you happy.
Then I dash home to Helen to eat Helen's dinner, to keep Helen happy.
Then I come over to you to eat your supper, to keep you happy.
Then we make love to keep both of us happy.
And then, somewhere in the middle of the night, I dash back home again and find Helen sitting there wearing something silk.
And you're complaining because I yawn! I want you to go, Luke.
- Go? - Yes.
Yes, you'll find it in the dictionary under the letter G.
- Come on, Max.
- No, it's no good, Luke.
I think what I probably need is a husband, not a lover.
Somebody who is mine, somebody who will make me feel exclusive.
You see - you see, I keep giving you the opportunity of saying the right thing and you just stand there saying nothing.
We're back to that word again.
I do nothing, I say nothing.
Perhaps I'm dead! But when I say that what I need is a husband, you should say something.
What, what can I say? I'm already a husband.
Well, you should say what I've got is better, what we've got is more exciting.
And when I say that I want somebody who is mine, you should say, 'I am yours, I am yours! ' I'm not good at this game.
Well, there's no point in playing it then, is there? Go, Luke.
- I'm not going to plead.
- No.
- I'll just go.
- Yes.
I'm warning you.
Must that woman come in so early? She's closing in on me, I tell you.
Really, Luke, you're so difficult this morning.
I'm not difficult, I'm just a man in mortal fear of spending his weekend off in a Hoover bag.
The house has to be cleaned.
It's due to various things, like a daily delivery of dust, and the implantation of a resident male bulldozer, who, in a feverish hunt for his underpants, which are always in the same draw, manages to bring about the total collapse of the building.
Thought so, it's me.
Everything's me! I must learn to cope with the knowledge that I am responsible for all the dilemmas in the entire universe.
Oh, you see, you're totally unreasoned.
You take everything I say and blow it up into an enormous neurotic balloon.
I will not tolerate being slowly eased out of my home by a Filipino pushing a Hoover.
You know, darling, I really think you ought to go and see Dr Taylor.
After all, if I'm trying to have a baby with you in this state, it will be so nervous and fidgety I'll need a goalkeeper at the birth, not a doctor.
What do you mean, trying to have a baby? Aren't you on the pill? No.
Since when? Since we talked about it the other day.
You didn't tell me.
I didn't want to worry you.
You didn't want to worry me?! Well, I know you're not keen on having a child, and I didn't want you to be in a position where you're knowingly contributing towards something you're not keen on.
So you wanted me to do it without my knowing.
Yes.
Until it happened.
Then I was going to tell you.
Oh, how nice! 'I saw the lorry coming, darling, but I didn't want to worry you, so I waited until it run over you! ' - Excuse me.
- What is it, Jo? Do you er, have book check, yes, on writing place? A cheque book, yes.
Mr Carpenter has a cheque book on the desk.
The wire, it comes over.
Book check on floor.
And it's gone up the Hoover? Yes, I understand, Jo.
Well, don't worry.
We'll get it out later along with all the other things.
Erm, leave the carpets for now and do the bedrooms.
It's bad? It's very bad, yes.
What's wrong, Luke? - What's wrong with us? - I don't know.
You're, you're a glass case.
I can see you but I can't touch you.
Oh, I'm just worn out, that's all.
Well, I can't think why.
I mean, you don't do anything particularly extraordinary with your life, do you? No, no, I don't.
I mean, yourjob's not exactly energetic, is it? No, it isn't.
You don't have things like painting, gardening, repairing.
Well, you have them but you don't do them.
I agree, I agree.
You know sometimes I worry about losing you.
Losing me? Well, you read, don't you, about these men of 40 who just suddenly die in the middle of doing something physical.
You know, like running for the bus.
Well, I have my car, haven't I? - Perhaps if we went on a holiday.
- No.
No, holiday isn't the answer.
- Well, what then? - What then? Are you tired of me? No, no.
- Bored? - No.
Had it all worked out, didn't we? 'No children', we said, 'then we'll be able to give everything we have to each other.
' Only now there isn't much left to give and no one to give what's left to.
Can we go on, do you think? Yes, we can go on.
- How? - How? Well, the way we always have.
I think I'll go and get a newspaper.
I don't know why you cancelled the papers.
Now you have to go down for one every Saturday.
Oh, it gives me something to do.
Oh, darling, I'd like to get to the supermarket early today.
Yes, yes, I'm ready.
You needn't bother if you're not in the mood.
I can get someone else to carry the boxes.
No, no, it's alright, I'll do it.
And we'll get your paper on the way.
No, I'll go down first for that.
Why, darling? That's two journeys.
Keeps me fit.
Oh, yes.
Well, chaps, you'll be glad to know that I'm letting him go.
You know that male human person that used to come here, the one that hates you both, especially when you were on the table.
Well.
To the end of an era.
- Hello.
- Max.
Oh, it's you.
Look, can we talk? I expect we could if we'd had enough time together to practise.
Come on, Max, not all that again.
When can I see you? You can't, Luke.
Look, this is all the change I've got, so listen No, Luke, I've already told you.
I'm tired of our shabby relationship.
I'm tired of waiting for that phone to ring just to hear the immortal words, 'Something's just cropped up.
' Something's always cropping up, Luke, and it was never me.
I've told you, give it time.
But I haven't got that much time.
Look! I got up this morning with the intention of moving you out of my life.
Then I got a big rubbish bag and I went on a memory tour of the house.
Do you know, there's nothing of you here.
Nothing, not a thing! Not a toothbrush, not a tie, not a single piece of evidence to suggest that we even know each other.
Oh, there are two photographs - there's one of me and there's one of you.
We couldn't have them taken together, of course.
And they were hidden in an envelope in a book, on a bookshelf and written instructions on the envelope.
Would you like to hear? No, I wouldn't like to hear.
It's a note for Maxine.
'Should you feel that your death is imminent, please make sure you destroy this before you actually expire.
Lf, however, you should be in the position where you can't leave your bed, then set fire to the entire building thus eliminating all evidence including yourself.
' So you see, Luke, apart from going to bed, we didn't really have much, did we? So if you don't mind, I'm going to wait for a man who will be proud of me.
A man who will be able to walk with me, who will have breakfast with me, who will buy me gold lockets and spend a whole Sunday with me.
For God's sake, be careful, Bernard, you'll break the eggs.
I don't know why you buy eggs.
I hate eggs.
Yes, well, you're not the only one in the house, are you, Bernard? I know you think you are, but the fact is, Bernard, you're not unique.
I don't know why you don't get this stuff in during the week.
I'm not a weightlifter, Bernard.
I could always go on a course of steroids.
Then I wouldn't need you at all, would I? There's another box yet.
I'm already late for the golf course.
You'll have to drop me off.
Yes, I'll drop you off, in time for the cricket, and I'll pick you up again in time for the football.
As I've said before, there are other people in the house, but one must get our priorities right.
It's Bernard first, and then when we've seen to Bernard, it's Bernard again.
Don't take it out on the car, Bernard.
Luke! I'm ready.
If I'd have known about this, I'd have married a bloody mule.
Oh, darling, I must get some flowers for the weekend.
Alright, Helen.
'I expect you'll be having lunch together now and so it goes on.
' - Hello.
- Max.
I've got a few minutes while Helen puts the car away.
Luke, go away.
- Hello.
- It's now I need you.
I can't get the top off the bloody marmalade! Oh, God! Oh, why did I that? Oh, I've never done that before.
Oh, phone him at home.
Oh, God, I'm so pathetic.
Oh, why am I so pathetic? You see how pathetic I am? I'm just pathetic! Max, I'm coming round.
- When? - First thing, remember you said you want a man who brings you gold lockets and spends a whole Sunday with you.
- Oh, Luke.
- I've missed you so much.
I wish you were here now.
I will be, honey, I will be.
- How? - I don't know.
I'll think of how.
- Breakfast? - Breakfast.
I must go.
Of course you must go.
Ah! Ah, chaps! It's alright, it's alright.
We're all going to be having breakfast together soon.
Try not to use the cat tray while we're in the middle of it, alright? Morning.
Morning.
Something went wrong with the toast.
It'll be alright when it gets a coat of marmalade on it.
Thank you, darling.
- Am I eating alone? - No, I'm here.
What I mean is, aren't you having breakfast with me? Oh, well, I'll have a cup of coffee, thank you.
Well, here we are then.
Our guarantee might have run out but we're still in working order.
I haven't been fishing for a long time.
You don't like fishing.
Well, I haven't really tried, have I? You went last summer with Simon.
You brought back two live trout and you wouldn't let me kill them.
Well, I expected them to slip away naturally.
They were trying, Luke.
I couldn't stand all that gasping.
All you had to do was hit them on the head.
You turned them loose in the bath.
Dear Luke, off you went all on your own back to the river.
A man dedicated to the preservation of a slippery little life, instead of the satisfaction of his stomach.
I'll always love you for that.
I'll throw them back this time.
Alright, we'll go fishing.
- I, er, was - No, you made my breakfast.
It's my turn to please you.
16 years.
16 years? Happy anniversary, darling.
Oh, you had forgotten.
I thought all this was Oh, yes, it was! I thought you'd forgotten.
Would I? No.
Darling, your present's downstairs in the sideboard cupboard.
Thank you, yours is, er in the car.
Oh, go and get it, darling.
Go on, I can't wait.
Yes.
Darling where shall we go today? Oh, I'll think of something, er, somewhere.
Darling I think we're going to be alright, don't you? There's been a kind of distance, especially lately, I I've spent weeks now just hoping.
I'm so glad you remembered today.
Hoping's such a lonely thing.
I'll just get dressed.
There you are! Back into my life again.