The Mistress (1985) s01e05 Episode Script

Episode 5

Oh, yes.
Er, that one's a parking ticket for me.
Another one.
Well, it isn't fair! I only nipped into the shop to buy a cabbage.
Oh, well, I'll explain then.
'My wife only nipped into the shop to buy a cabbage.
' I can't cope with all these bills.
All what bills? You only have the same bills as everybody else.
There's gas, there's electricity.
Yes, I cook with gas and I need electricity to see what I've cooked.
We could have dinner in the dark, of course.
Now you're being flippant.
Or better still, we could get divorced and you could live at the office.
The way you do now.
Oh-oh, here we go, reprisals, accusations.
Not only do I have to sign all my money away but I have to be nagged while I'm doing it.
I do not nag.
I have never nagged.
But, being as I'm accused of it, here I go.
I'm beginning to feel like a pet hamster confined to my little box.
Confined, who confines you? Confined to my little box by my husband hamster, who does a lot of going out and very little coming in.
God, can you hear this trivia? It's not possible to do more going out than coming in.
You can only go out if you came in in the first place.
What I mean is, Luke, that when you are in all you do is talk about going out.
'I think I'll go fishing.
I think I'll go jogging.
I think I'll go and get a newspaper.
' It might be easier to serve your meals on the pavement, and wear a tracksuit and jog in and out with the salt and pepper.
I don't seem to be able to get my life right somehow.
There's too many things to think about.
Too much going on.
Something's got to go.
And then the little box will be empty.
Look, I'm not very keen on your hamster story.
Luke, would it surprise you if I said Helen, please! Every time you stop like that I feel like a man with his head on the block and a guillotine that's stuck.
that sometimes I think I want a baby just to keep you.
I see now the nonsense of it.
How do you mean 'keep me'? Keep me from what? From other things, other people.
Most of our friends are separated, except the Lawsons.
They spend all their time glaring at each other like territorial cats.
I just want us to survive, that's all.
All these things you do, all these things in your head.
Of all the relationships, marriage is the sickly child.
We can't take our eyes off it.
No, we can't take our eyes off it.
Max! Maxine! Could you hold it could you just hold it? Ooh.
Do you think this is the answer, Max? I mean, is this really the answer? I feel wonderful.
I'm an indoor girl, Max.
I can't cope with all this oxygen and exertion.
Look, we're not girls any more, okay? I mean, the next round figure we'll see is 40.
Ten glorious years to come.
Oh, I think I'm having a lung attack.
Do you know it's a whole week, Jen, a whole week since I last saw him? Oh, yes! Oh, it's fine for you.
You're used to bursting around the countryside, trying to get a man out of your veins.
I have to go home and cope with unleashed passion.
It's bad for you, passion.
It's only bad for you if you're not getting it.
When I think of all that misspent energy.
I mean, all that thrashing about.
You spend all day thinking about it, all night doing it, and all the next day trying to get over it.
Do you know that's 36 hours? That's 36 hours out of your life.
What is it all for? We are talking about the same thing, aren't we? A meeting of two souls, the entwining of two spirits, the entanglement of man and woman in glorious disarray.
We're talking about sex, Jenny.
Luke's been phoning you at the shop.
I know, I know.
I'm running out of lies.
Well, he'll stop eventually.
What do you do when he phones you at home? Put the phone down.
It would never have worked out, you know.
He was just too scared.
I should have known when he promised to spend a whole Sunday with me that it just couldn't happen.
There I sat, table set, coffee ready, toast under starter's orders Ha, you should have phoned me.
By 12 o'clock I'd drunk all the coffee, had five rounds of toast, two eggs and a meringue.
Bruce was working on his car all day.
And a chocolate ├ęclair.
He spends every Sunday working on his car.
I felt like an Easter egg.
All I needed was a bow in my hair.
It went once.
- I hate Sundays.
- But it got bored.
We had to walk all the way back from next door.
Come on, time to open the shop.
Oh, I can't.
Hurry before I crack up.
Max you're doing the right thing.
If he wanted to leave his wife Men are children, wives are teddy bears.
I know, I know.
Max.
Not now, Simon! Not now what? I haven't told you what I'm here for yet.
Whatever it is, not now.
- Oh, fine.
- Simon! Can I trust you? - Have you ever had reason not to? - This is not business.
Look, just to make you feel safe, let me trust you.
Huh? I can't stand Nancy.
I wish I had never married Nancy.
Nancy is a nightmare.
I dread Nancy.
Nancy opens her eyes and her mouth simultaneously each morning and from then on I'm subjected to verbal and visual abuse.
Bitter stares, bitter words.
Nancy is an emotional piranha.
Two weeks, two weeks after our marriage, my mind went into hiding and now my body is desperately trying to follow it.
Because of Nancy I am impatient, intolerant and impotent.
I no longer dream of Nancy with the light-brown hair.
So unless you have any plans for her disposal, like phasing her out or unpicking her as if she was knitted, let us move straight along to your dilemma.
I, er I'm having an affair.
- I know.
- You know?! You've developed the guilty gait.
The slow stooped prowl.
Your eyes swivel.
In short, you've you've given up walking in favour of sneaking.
Rather like a-a primate who's just stolen a banana.
Anyway, I'm miserable.
Yeah, our two souls meet.
I love her you see.
Yeah, it starts that way, yes.
I love my wife too but in a different way.
A drab way.
No! Comfortable way.
She's nice, you see.
She's attractive, intelligent.
- She's nice.
- And she's always there, like the crack in the ceiling.
Well, Helen is always there, that is true, but I'm not blaming her.
Oh, come on, Luke, decide what you're going to be, guilty or shitty.
Although her always being there is part of the problem.
We've quarrelled, you see, the other person and myself.
I promised to see her, then I remembered it was our wedding anniversary, my wife's and mine, and luckily I'd just bought her - the other person - a present.
So I was able to give it to my wife and save the day.
Oh, I hate every single minute of it.
I wish I was back to where I was a year ago.
But I can't, I'm involved now, I can't keep away from her.
I need help.
Alright, how? I don't know.
Sometimes I mention going fishing.
You go fishing, don't you? Well, Helen knows that! I'd like to be able to say that I'm going fishing with you, sometime.
Okay, fine.
So if I ring you say tomorrow and talk a load of nonsense - I'll talk a load of nonsense back.
- Oh, thank you.
She wants me to spend a whole Sunday with her, you see, er, this other person.
A minuscule request normally.
That's why we quarrelled, I, er Discovered it was your wedding anniversary.
Yes.
Our two souls must stop meeting like this.
Oh, I don't know where it's all going to end.
Sometimes I feel like a man that's walking into a burning building, hoping to God I'm fireproof.
Improbable.
But in we go, to rescue our life.
Yeah, perhaps if instead of flesh and bone, we'd have been made of ovenware.
Pyrex man.
It's not easy having an affair.
You have to do everything twice - have dinner twice, drink wine twice, make love twice.
One ends up full, drunk and knackered.
Nancy and I don't make love any more.
Oh, I try.
There's still a small part of me that rallies to the occasion, but she just lies there like a fallen tombstone.
Just gives up and keels over.
Let's drink to women.
Let's drink to the return of our strength, the return of our power over this impossible, irrational, illogical breed.
Who for some cunning reason think they are responsible for the rise and fall of men, ha.
Mmm, ahh.
Yes, I'm sorry about you and Nancy.
Hmm, casualties of life.
Think I'll go and see her, just the same, this other person.
Excuse me, is Jenny around? Er, no, she's just gone out to deliver something.
She'll be back shortly.
- Can I help? - No, thank you.
Well, er, perhaps you could.
Over here? Thank you.
- Okay? - Okay.
Are you alright? I'm fine, fine.
- Well, it looks like rain.
- Yes.
- Do you like rain? - Love it.
Would you, er, like to share the weather with me? Did I say something funny? You're a strange lady.
You've, er, got a leaf in your hair.
Oh, thank you.
Your hands are dirty.
Would you like to clean them up? By the way, my name is Richard.
- What? - My name is Richard.
Oh, yeah.
Er, I'm the owner of the shop.
If you'll excuse me, I have a lot of things to do.
You're one hell of a strange lady! Oh God, it's Sunday tomorrow.
Oh, don't.
Are these paid for? - Thank you.
- Bye.
How many more? Only one, Mr Coleman for Mrs Coleman.
I wonder what he's done this time.
I don't know.
Whatever it is, he does it regularly.
Listen, Max, why don't you stay with me tonight? Bruce is going on a car rally so I'm on my own.
No, thanks, Jen.
I've got things to do.
What things? Ooh I don't know, things.
Okay, fine.
Besides there's rabbit to feed, and cat and bird.
Anyway, you've got things to do.
I could go and feed the beasts now, I suppose, but then I'll have to go back early in the morning because I've got The rabbit and the cat, and the bird, I know.
Well, let's go and rescue Mr Coleman first.
Right, you lot, food.
Today, tomorrow.
Right, there's rabbit tomorrow.
Rabbit today.
Right, I'll see you all tomorrow then.
Oh, if the phone rings, I'm not in.
Hello Max! Hello! Max! Oh, Jesus, no! God! Oh, my God, that's locked as well.
Do any of you know where she keeps her security key? Of course you don't! You're thick, aren't you? Ooh, I keep looking at this ring.
It terrifies me.
I keep looking at my empty finger, it terrifies me.
You're very lucky you know, Max.
You're successful, you're self-sufficient, you don't need a man to provide for you.
You can even afford to buy your own guide-dog.
Hmm! Oh, Jenny, if only we could have the fun with our men that we do with our friends.
It's not possible, you can't be friendly with the person you love.
I think I'll buy a car.
And I'll buy a new house.
I think I'll buy some new clothes.
I think I'll buy a new life.
You wouldn't like to buy this old one, would you? One owner, hardly used, going cheap.
No, thanks, a married man and bloody rabbits! Come on, Helen.
Come on.
Simon - he'll help.
Oh, boy, am I in trouble! - Hello.
- Hello, Simon.
Ohh, hi.
Er, how are you? Oh, I'm down.
Deep down.
Oh, boy, am I down.
Listen, Simon, I'm in a bit of a mess.
Look, I'm glad you rang.
You see what's happened is this that Oh, God! The booze! I've run out of booze! Simon? Are you alright? Oh, I've reached the edge of the cliff, and I'd jump if I only I could unravel my legs.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
What you too? Yeah, me, definitely.
Well, what's happened? Oh, all the things we were talking about today.
I'm just sitting here at home thinking.
It gets you, doesn't it? It does, yes, it does.
Look, I'm-I'm glad you rang.
Well, we must support each other.
L-I hate Nancy! Please don't do anything silly.
Nancy with the laughing bloody face! Anyway, er, we'll talk on Monday.
She's locked me in the living room.
Of course that sort of thing never happens to you, does it? No, Simon, that sort of thing never happens to me.
I mean, not that I want to go in the bedroom, I'd rather get run over! Erm, well, look take heart, Simon.
Erm, I need you.
You need me? Yes, course, erm, you're the only person I can talk to.
That's really nice.
So let's call it a day, shall we? Okay? And I'll talk to you on Monday.
Yeah, fine, fine.
And look don't worry, mate.
I'll sort you out, okay? Just hang in there, yeah? Yeah.
Thanks, Simon, thanks.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Max, I'll have to go on a diet.
I mean, my breasts aren't going to stop up here much longer.
The trouble is, Jen, you lose it all off your face.
And my bottom's getting bigger every day.
Well, you don't want that, do you? I feel as if I'm being followed all the time.
What does Bruce think? Oh, Bruce says he likes me the way I am.
But I won't know what he thinks until he leaves me for somebody thin.
Hmm-mmm.
It's funny how important a ring is.
Yes.
Did you and Luke ever buy each other rings? - No.
- Why not? Well, he couldn't wear my ring, could he? And I suppose he never bought me a ring because it would be a bit like bigamy, wouldn't it? Useful things though, something to threaten them with.
Words are no good, men never listen to words, but when you just take off your ring and put it on the table.
- Well, that really freaks them.
- Hmm-mmm.
You know, the only time Bruce ever comes out from beneath his car is when he hears the click of my ring on the bonnet.
Married men and mistresses have to be too careful to have things like rings.
Children without toys.
Ooh, Max.
Now listen, Max, I know I've said this before You're going to say it again, aren't you? Look, what you need to do is - well, look around, get the old antennae out.
Feel the air.
I mean, see what's there.
You might even like what you see.
Okay, so you met Luke and it was sudden life, but he's no good to you.
I mean, you know that.
He's like a dog on one of those long leads, the minute he strays too far away she'll press that button, haul him in and off he'll go like a fly up a Hoover.
I know you're right.
I know you're right.
Good.
Now, I have a friend.
Known him for ages.
I fancied him actually but he's been away.
Anyway, he's back and he phoned and And would you believe Jenny.
Hi, come in! Hello, strange lady! Hello.
I'll get some more wine.
You, er Looks like rain.
Ha Yes.
Look, will you get the hell out of it?! Helen, it's me.
Er, something's cropped up.
Oh, darling, I was just going to phone you.
Oh, er Well, I'm stuck at the office.
Look, darling, would you mind if I went to mother's? When, now? Yes, I'm sorry, darling, but she's not very well.
- Oh, dear.
- I've left you a salad in the fridge.
Oh, oh, that's fine.
And anyway, you're going fishing tomorrow, aren't you? Fishing? Oh, yes, yes, I might, I might.
- Are you alright? - Er, yes.
Yes, it's just the blasted paperwork, that's all.
Yes, well, I'll see you tomorrow evening then, darling - If she's better.
- Yes, I hope so.
See you tomorrow.
- Alright.
You know where to ring? - Yes, of course I do.
- Bye, darling.
- Bye.
Wow! Eugh! Why doesn't she feed you lot on the floor? Two lots? Dinner Breakfast! Oh, my God! That settee of Jenny's is definitely not for sleeping on.
Well, I slept in Jenny's bed.
I don't know where she ended up? She seemed to come from the airing cupboard this morning.
Well, thank you for dropping me home.
I don't think I could have managed in that van.
It was a great evening.
I haven't laughed like that in a long time.
So how about a day in the country? We could have lunch in a pub, chase cows, fall in the river.
- Share the weather.
- Share the weather.
- Alright.
- Well, I, er Look, don't make up your mind now.
Go and feed your rabbits and cats, and birds, then ring me when you've made up your mind.
Thank you.
I've got this jumper on inside-out.
- See you.
- See you.
Right, you lot, I'm home! Had a good time? You go out, not a word, not a phone call, and here am I with the house to clean, breakfast to cook and the animals to look after.
But you don't care, do you? Oh, no! The fact that I've been sitting here all night waiting for you means absolutely nothing to you, does it? Well, this is it, I've had enough, I'm going back to my wife! All night? You locked me in! - Oh, Luke! - Oh, Max! Max, mmm.
Are you doing anything this particular Sunday? You're a whole week late, I've planned my life without you.
Oh, I've missed you.
Oh.
Oh, no, it's no good, Luke.
There's no, there's no future for us.
Mmm.
Erm, I've made the coffee.
Thank you.
- Burnt the toast.
- Thank you.
- Fed the animals.
- Oh, thank you.
So everything's done.
Mmm.

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