The Moodys (2014) s01e01 Episode Script

Australia Day

1 We're putting in a pool! Look, he might be a paparazzi sell-out scum-bot, but he's making a fortune doing it.
What are they doing? Roger's gay.
Do you think you could tell the difference between a man's ear and a woman's in the dark? Will you touch Nah.
I'm your brother.
You've known him for two seconds.
He's my son, Sean.
Yeah, adopted.
Hi, I'm Cora.
Hayden's new girlfriend, that's right.
Oi! You're my cousin, we're family! Yeah, well, you've got her now, so you've won, OK? The ring, I gave the ring back.
Make it all salty and stir it up Nice and hot Who's gonna come on and dine in with me? Need something extra I don't have salt or pepper I've got sugar Don't laugh at me Give it a Keep out! Private property! Come on, love.
You know you can't stay here anymore.
I never agreed to the sale.
Get out.
He's got you there.
Squatter's rights.
Something smells chum chum.
Sean, the house is sold.
Freeloading middle-aged son was not a selling feature of the property! Hey, hey! Out! It's my home too.
Where am I supposed to go? You've had plenty of time to get organised.
They move in tomorrow! Jesus, Mary and Jose! Get out of it, that's my fridge.
I need it for the barbie.
Terry, leave it! It's my esky! Funny to draw on my face, was it? How do you sleep with yourself? Selling the family home.
How do you like it, huh? Kev, have you taken my good pots already? What pots? Will you stop it?! My pots, my good pots! Sean, is that your mother's good pot? Stop profiteering off human misery! Sean, cease and desist or I'll be forced to immobilise you.
I've found your pot here! Mum, she bit me! She bit me! Thank you again so much for letting us stay.
When we get our place, we'll have to have you guys over for dinner.
You're back for good, then? Yeah, that's the plan.
Find a job and settle down.
Cora tells me that you're in finance, Mr Benson.
Is that sort of stock market stuff? You know how a hedge fund works? No, no, I'm not overly familiar with hedge funds in the sort of the current financial climate.
You wouldn't really understand, then.
So, no point.
It's very complicated.
Oh.
Hey, Dan.
I was wondering if you had any plans It's Dan.
Sorry? No, it's fine, but you just you've called me 'Hayden'.
No, I said, 'Hey, Dan,' as in informal greeting.
Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
I misheard you.
Sounds like someone's got an inferiority complex.
Dad Kidding, kidding.
I was going to ask, Daniel, if you have any plans for Australia Day.
Oh, yeah.
My uncle does a sort of big barbecue by the water every year.
Oh, lovely.
Yeah.
Actually, you guys should come.
Oh, I think we have plans.
Yep, yeah.
They've got plans.
No, we're free.
We'd love to come.
Really? That's great! Perfect.
That's excellent.
We'll get everyone down there and everyone can get to know each other.
I know I can.
I think I can, I know I can.
I think I can, I know Yes! Best spot in the park! Uh-uh, sorry.
Spot taken.
Spot taken.
Happy Australia Day.
Yes! Oh, I'm turtling! I'm turtling! Must be funny, meeting half the family through Hayden then the rest of us through him! I'll bet you're sick of us.
Yes, I am.
Come on, mate.
One last hurrah in the old house, please.
Ooh, camping on your stinky bedroom floor.
Maybe.
Yeah, definitely, alright? Have to wear the flag like that? Do I have to? Yes, I do.
It's our national day, mate.
How do I look? Like you're gonna get drunk and start a race riot.
Thank you.
That's the look I'm going for.
Just for today, please, can you not be a drunken dickhead? Today? Uh, no, unfortunately.
It's Australia Day.
So our Bill of Rights requires I get drunk today.
We don't have a Bill of Rights.
Nitpicking, mate.
Un-Australian.
Hey, ho! Hey, Rog.
Happy Australia Day! What are you doing here? Having Australia Day with my family.
I'm Roger.
Howard.
Nice to meet you.
What did I say, Roger? 'Oh, Roger, don't come.
No-one wants to see you.
' You were being sarcastic.
No, I wasn't.
Work on your tone.
It sounded like you were kidding.
Dan, the man! How are you? Hey.
Good, Rog, how are you? Kevvie! Good to see you.
Good to see you.
Ah, he's just wearing the flag as a joke, by the way.
He's not a white supremacist.
Right.
It's interesting, isn't it? The Australian flag.
You know, the whole Union Jack, like we're still subordinate to Britain.
Not really sure what meaning it has in a multicultural Australia now, you know? I fought under that flag, so it certainly means something to me.
Oh, no, no.
Don't get me wrong.
I like the flag.
I'm just not sure it works as a garment, that's all.
So where did you serve? Vietnam.
Oh, cool.
I did a gap year in Vietnam.
We started in Did you go to Nah Trang? We did some diving around there.
It's really It's beautiful.
But probably not then.
It was probably Righto, if I could have everyone's attention, please.
Oh, it's just lovely to have everyone back together on a traditional Moodys' Australia Day picnic.
But, ah, I'd like to welcome new friends, Howie and Robin.
And I'd like to welcome back old ones, Dan and Cora, the tumultuous lovebirds.
It's great to see Cora's finally settled on Dan - although I am single now, Daniel, so watch out.
I might steal her from you next.
Uh, yep.
Anyway, with new beginning comes the end of an era, and that is Kevvie and Maree selling the family house.
Had no right to! It was a wonderful place.
Centrally located and only ten minutes from the freeway.
That's before they put in those bloody bike lanes.
Tez, Tez Anyway, here's to 31 Bareki Road! 31 Bareki Road! Oi! Ah, can we help you? This is our spot.
Well, no.
No, no, I claimed this spot fair and square.
Claimed it fair and square, did ya? What do you call those, mate? A pair of thongs? Yeah.
I dropped them here this morning.
Come on, mate.
You can't claim a spot with a pair of thongs.
I told you this would happen.
Last time I left the beach chairs, they got nicked, didn't they? So you leave your shabby old thongs? They're my good ones! Oh, come on, friend.
I just thought they were a pair of lost thongs.
How would they get lost in a pair? Sir, I happen to be a Federal Customs officer.
I can tell you I've seen some pretty strange things get lost.
A pair of thongs together would not rate very highly.
As a matter of fact, last week we turned up a full set of impala hooves Mate, this is our spot.
No, he's right.
He was here first.
I know exactly how he feels.
Fight the power, brother.
Yeah! What? Sean, butt out! Come on, move it! We've got a big mob of family coming down here and we need all of this space.
No, no, no, no.
I arrived at this location at approximately 9:30 this morning.
9:30? 9:30 this morning? Mm-hmm.
Let me tell you something, mate.
My mob were here a long time before 9:30 this morning.
Would have been at least 8:45? Round 8:30.
Yeah, 8:30ish.
8:30ish.
Yeah, it would have been a little bit after 8:30.
Closer to 9:30? No.
Not too sure, are you? Well, it was pretty bloody early.
That may be, but then you left.
But the thongs claimed it! Let's just find another spot.
No! They're leaving.
Hello! No, steady on.
Come on, friend.
It's Australia Day.
Look, I don't care about Australia Day.
We're here every second Sunday.
Come on, you fellas have just got to go.
Go on.
Come on, guys.
There's plenty of room here.
We can all share the same spot.
What about Johnny? Fine.
I don't like your cousin anyway.
Anyway, we've got enough sausages to feed a small army, haven't we? And besides, I've got your flag covered, albeit in tea towel form.
What kind of snags? Pork.
And? Fennel.
I'm talking about my spiritual home.
Now that's a sausage.
Get that in your fun hole.
I mean, 35 years I've lived there.
35, and then gone.
No consultation, just get out.
Check this out.
Here's a little secret.
I'm gonna buy that house and then score one for the disenfranchised.
You know what I'm talking about.
Why are you still living with your parents at 35? Oh well, because, you know, my present situation is uh, one in which, uh Mate, you tried to claim half a park with a pair of thongs, alright? You're in no position to judge.
Yeah, we're very happy and very settled, yeah.
You certainly don't have to worry about me moving on to Terry.
Oh, I think Terry was joking.
Oh no, I know he was joking.
I'm joking now.
Yeah, I would never move on to Sean or Kevin or I know that.
Oh! Billy! It's OK.
I know what kids are like.
I had a little boy of my own until recently.
Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh no, he's not dead.
No, we just lost custody.
I'm not supposed to talk about it.
Oh, OK.
Basically we got caught lying to the government.
Max was adopted, you see.
I was living with my boyfriend, Chris, at the time Roger, can I have a word with you, please? Here we go.
Hey, it's a boy! Mate, you have a go at me.
What do you call this? A T-shirt.
With a pocket? Tucked in? On Australia Day? Mate, I find that offensive.
Deeply offensive.
I'll untuck if you take that off.
Deal? Nuh, no deal.
No deal! Mate, I see what you're doing here.
Hmm? You think you can turn into Tucky McTuck Tuck, and all of a sudden Mr and Mrs Fancy Pants will give you their blessing.
'Oh Daniel, what a finely tucked in T-shirt.
Lovely pocket.
Please have sex with our daughter while we watch.
Because that's how we like it.
' Sean, Sean Happy Australia Day! You've obviously got a good eye for a prime picnic location if you knew to come here.
Best spot in the park.
Yeah.
And which way'd you come? Kirribung onto Prince William? Scenic route? No, no.
Gilmore onto Lawson.
Much quicker.
Lawson! Is it any wonder you were late.
No no, those roundabouts have got it flowing, mate.
Ah, you're living in a fantasy world, mate.
Burnt fennel.
Here we are! You didn't tell me your Dad was in the army.
Yes, but don't mention it.
OK.
No, of course.
Also, your Mum thinks that I'm a prostitute now.
What? Yeah, a prostitute.
Is that? No Ahoy! It's not That's Ahoy! Hey, man.
Great to see you.
Wow.
There he is, there he is! So good to see you, my boy.
Really good to see you.
So good to see you.
We didn't know you were back.
How did you know we were here? Neptune 51.
What? It's a sailing message board.
I wasn't sure you got the communique.
I got it.
Oh, that is so good.
Mm! How are you guys? You well? Yeah.
Uh, yeah.
Good.
Yep.
OK, let's address the big elephant in the room.
I bear you no grudge.
Life, it's far too short and in the end, it just works out the way it's meant to.
The sea taught me that.
Did it? Big time.
Well OK, let's do presents, yeah? Oh, Hayden, you didn't have to! Happy belated Christmas.
Sorry I couldn't come to the last one at the house, but I ate some bad eel in the Philippines.
I was bedridden till New Year's.
So what was your favourite part? It's hard to say, man.
Lombok? Bora Bora? Swimming with whales off Tahiti was incredible.
Yeah, but did you get down to Bega? No.
Oh, great.
Dairy farming kind of property I can't believe you.
What? I thought this was a day for the families getting together.
Hayden's family.
Hey, Howie.
Ubi concordia .
.
ibi victoria! Cora, it's for you.
Oh.
Or Eden? Did you get to Eden? No, I didn't, mate.
Didn't get there either, mate.
Just south of Bega.
Didn't get there.
Oh, wow.
It's an antique.
It's beautiful.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Now, Dan.
Your present isn't here.
It's out there.
It's on the sea.
I'm gonna take you sailing, man.
Two weeks.
You and me.
Well, you're not just gonna kill me and dump me out there, are you? I would never do that.
No, I mean Not when I can kill you here on dry land.
Oh mate, see? That's how you tell a joke.
You could learn a thing or two.
You have not lost it, mate.
Thanks, appreciate that.
Heya Mate, believe that story from Haydos? Boarded by pirates? Yeah.
He went through the Bermuda Triangle and caught Moby Dick.
Hey? Are you kidding me? What, he goes sailing round the world and suddenly everyone thinks he's Captain Awesome.
Mate, he pretty much is Captain Awesome.
Oh, it's such an act.
Oh, you're worried he's gonna get back with Cora.
No, I'm just Mate, justifiable concern.
I mean, I'd be worried if I were you.
Very worried.
Have you had a look at him? And it looks like Mr Ergo Victorian's right into him too, so you've lost that battle, I'm afraid.
Cora and I are together.
We couldn't be happier.
He can try all he likes.
Mate, he's not looking to get back with Cora.
He could have anyone he likes.
Why would he go backwards? A shark does not go backwards.
If it does, it dies, alright? So calm down, Mr Paranoid.
You've got nothing to worry about.
I know I don't, Sean.
Even if he was, Cora's won't be won over by some stupid old fob watch.
Totally.
Whoa-whoa-whoa, hang on.
You said fob fob watch? Yes.
Hayden gave Cora a fob watch? Yes.
An old, circular watch with no band or strap whatsoever.
That's what they look like.
Old watch.
OK, OK.
Was it open face or did it have like a lid? It had a lid.
Ah.
OK, was there a chain attached? Please say no.
Yes, of course there was a chain.
It was a fob watch.
Analog or digital? Analog! Did he use the word 'antique'? Yeah, I mean, it was an old Oh You know what that means, don't you? This'll be good.
What? Mate, not good! For you, not good.
Very not good.
An old watch like that to an ex-girlfriend? Yeah? Mate, turn back time? Old watch, ex-girlfriend, yeah? One more time, one more turn of the screw.
I wanna turn you over, put you in my pocket? I wanna put myself into your pocket? That is the most moronic thing I have ever heard.
Heed my warning, brother.
Heed it.
Mate, you fool Heed my warning, brother.
Serious.
We're not waves bashing into each other, Dan.
We're all part of the one ocean.
Right, let's do it.
Do what? Be part of the ocean.
You and me.
Oh, I dunno.
What's wrong? Been in England too long? Forgot how to swim? No, you know, I just had lunch.
Should probably wait at least 15 minutes, plus Oh, alright.
Um, hang on Come on, unless you've gone soft.
Come on, race you! What are we, eight? Come on, mate.
Find your inner child, Dan.
Three, two, one Boom! Whoo! And then Chris went to the authorities.
Now, was it because of what happened between Andre and I? Who's to say? He was a very charismatic director, and it was my first play.
Still, you know what they say about the world of amateur theatre.
Nup.
Exactly.
But Max is happy now, and that's the main thing.
You know, you actually remind me of him a little bit.
What? My little boy, Max.
I'm not a boy.
No, you're both kids though, and he's eight.
I'm not eight.
I'm just trying to paint a picture.
Not literally.
Everything alright? Yeah, no, I'm fine.
Just chatting about the whole Max saga.
Max? My little boy who I adopted, yeah.
With my ex, Bridget.
Yeah, in hindsight I guess the problems sort of began before that, probably four or five years ago.
I'll get another beer.
Yeah, I'll come with you.
And, um So did you see the watch I gave Cora? Yeah, I did.
It's nice, huh? Yeah.
Antique.
Agh! Oh! You alright? Oh, what is that? Agh! No, you're OK, mate.
Come on, no, you're right.
You're right.
I'm fine, no, get off me.
Just relax, mate, we'll swim it in.
Swim it in.
You're right.
Swim.
It's a dessert, but it's good for you Jesus, that hurts! What the hell? No, I'm OK, put me No, it's alright, mate.
What happened? It's a bluebottle sting.
Arrgh! Jesus Christ.
Just a bit of respiratory shock.
Just relax.
OK, let's have a look at this.
- Hayden, on your back! - Oh! Oh, little bugger.
Leg's gone zombie.
Yeah, could blister.
Alright, everyone just stand back.
Everyone, stand back.
You're alright.
Oh! What are you doing? Hold him down, hold him down! Honestly, mate - urine, it's an incredibly useful substance.
You know, the Sentinelese islanders use it for all manner of ailments OK, enough with the whole salty seadog act, alright? No, that's fine.
I guess I have done some changing.
Yeah, well, it's not gonna work, OK? What? Tick tock? Are you Is this 'cause I didn't get you a gift? 'Cause I said I'd take you out sailing.
No, this is about turning back time, OK? This is about one more time, one more go round, watching my girlfriend, antique watch? Sorry, I'm completely lost, mate.
I got no idea - Actually, I'm not 100% on that.
- Fire! Fire! Whoa! That was really inappropriate and gross.
Well, it's helping.
It's helping, right? I understand, but it was still gross and inappropriate.
Arrgh! Flag on fire! Flag on fire! Stupid! Arrgh, you stupid Oh, no.
No, Fred.
Sorry, it was.
Yeah, look.
Here, balance the ledger.
Huh? I burn your flag, I burn mine too.
See, Fred? What are you doing? I fought for that flag! Arrgh! Man on fire, man on fire! Dad! Arrgh! I am so, so sorry.
Don't.
Mate, I think you should just go.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Happy Australia Day.
Well, that went well.
Yep.
I'm trying to work out what the highlight was.
Do you think it was my dad catching on fire or my ex-boyfriend weeing on you? I think it's too close to call.
Dan, it's time to piss off, mate.
I gotta whizz back to the old house, huh? Maybe time for a shower? Golden shower? Yeah, we'll see you there in a wee bit.
You right, Dad? What? With the flag.
It was just a tea towel, baby.
Hey, Johnny boy.
Yeah, are you coming on down, brother? Yeah, we've got the whole spot to ourselves.
Yeah, they're gone.
Ah, true.
How long's the power been out? Sean, just You think you can go your whole life without being urinated on, and then one day Well, what about parents with babies? No, mate, by an adult.
If you had to fill out an official questionnaire, 'Have you ever been urinated on by an adult? Yes or no?' you would have to answer yes now.
OK OK, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down.
It's the last one, OK? Jeez, so touchy.
Mate, you got pissed on, so what? And Cora's family hate you.
Big deal.
Don't Oh, mate.
This place, hey? What about it? It's our home, isn't it? Yours, maybe.
I haven't been here for ages.
Oh, sorry, mate, it's not Oh! The Wimbles of Wombledon, cor blimey! It's the Wombles It's our home, alright? Not anymore.
Maybe some other family's coming in tomorrow.
Maybe.
Who cares? Not maybe, Sean, definitely.
They've signed the contract.
Doesn't change the fact that this is our place, alright? It's our Dreamtime.
They picked up the keys yesterday.
Whatever.
I'm gonna buy this place back.
And you're gonna come and live with me.
I wasn't laughing at that.
I was laughing at something else.
Yeah, what? A joke someone told me.
What was the joke? Knock, knock.
Who's there? Hayden pissed on you.
Today.
Earlier today.
Goodnight, Sean.
Hey, Ben, you ready? Standing by.
Hoses on.
Sean.
Alright, let her rip.
Sean, what is that? What is that? Oh, shit!