The Moodys (2014) s01e05 Episode Script

Sean's Day In Court

Oh, mate, get rid of her! Stick with me.
I guarantee before the night's through, you'll be single.
Bugger off you! What's got into him? He wants to break up with you.
Many a real estate agent has seen the back of Matt's car.
Busted! You are busted! You've got the job.
You've got the job.
Come on.
Permanent bro time, it's gonna be awesome! Welcome aboard.
I miss Yvonne! I think I'm having one of those epiphanyonic moments.
Yeah, mate, you can become Mayor of Bikestown and you can build bike lanes and win your old girlfriend back.
You are brilliant! So, he can't afford to pay you properly but he can afford a jet ski? It's a work jet ski apparently.
It's crazy, the whole family's just standing there crying while Sean Hey! Sammy! Hey, sis.
How are you? Oh, not good.
Hey, Sammy.
Only she calls me Sammy.
Sam, that's so full-on.
You and, um Laura.
You guys were together for Six years.
And then no warning, she dumped me.
Well, you can stay here for as long as you need to.
Thank you.
Yeah, absolutely.
I'll get the air mattress, and as long as you need.
Oh, I'd hate to be a stickler, it's just I've got a bit of a bad back at the moment.
Oh, right.
Oh, that's fine.
I will take the blow-up and you guys can have the bed.
Yeah! I'm sure Dan really wants to share a bed with his girlfriend's brother.
Is that weird? Um, a little bit weird.
It's a little odd.
Well, do you want to take the blow-up? Ah, yeah, 'cause I'm sure Sammy wants to share a bed with his sister.
What's wrong with that? Oh, no.
No, no, no, I'm just kidding.
Of course.
Yeah, I'll take the blow-up for as Absolutely.
You guys Ah, sorry.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.
What? You you what with a penguin? To reiterate, the barbecue will be fired up at exactly 1200 hours.
Yes, Kevin? Is all this necessary? I don't need a bloody manila folder to tell me how to man a barbie.
You are not manning the barbecue, Kevin.
Have you been listening to me? Sean is manning the barbecue.
What? But he hasn't even shown up for your idiotic briefing.
Kevin, please.
Dad, stop arguing.
Now, I don't think I need to remind you how important this fundraiser is to my campaign.
I have planned everything down to the last second, right? And I've invested a lot of my own money.
Oh, I see.
Well, where have you two numnuts been? Don't ask me, ask Captain Ahab here.
What's happened? OK.
Did water police even exist before that TV show with Colin Friels? Yes.
They're new, aren't they? What'd you do? Nothing! Other than being charged with driving under the influence, exceeding the speed limit and entering a threatened species exclusion zone.
A what? Not to mention running over a penguin.
You killed a penguin? I didn't kill a penguin.
I just ran over it with the jet ski.
Oh! Well, I didn't know it was a bloody exclusion zone! Look! We were here, right? OK.
No, no! Rocks were here.
Hang on a second! Rocks are here, OK? We're going this way, perfectly fine, and the penguin comes out of nowhere, right? How much can they exclude? Like, honestly Hang on.
Sean! Is that Little Harbour? Yeah, mate.
The way the locals were going on you'd think I'd bloody hit the chosen one! Not Mr Jeeves? Yeah, that was his name, wasn't it? Oh, sweet mother of mercy.
Sean, Mr Jeeves is Little Harbour's local icon.
You've killed Mr Jeeves! I didn't kill him, I just cut his head open.
Oh, my God! Sean, my whole platform is road safety.
Oh, thank you very much.
Well, it wasn't on the road, mate, it was on the sea.
Well, it's still a thoroughfare, and you've hit a pedestrian! It's a penguin! It's a bloody political tsunami is what it is.
Dan, you are on the barbie, Sean, you're on garbage detail.
No, mate, I can't go at all now.
I've got to be in court.
Oh, right.
You two will swap between exoticalia and barbecue.
Maree, change that in the minutes.
Tez, what are you talking about, mate? I need everyone at court.
Sean, you are kidding.
This is the biggest day of my political career.
Oh, local council? Mate, I could go to jail! Stop trying to impress your girlfriend for just a second and think of your family? How dare you drag Vonnie into this! Everybody knows this is a pathetic attempt to win her back.
I'm very passionate about bike lanes and always have been.
As if, mate! Stop it, both of you! If you could just stop arguing for a moment, we can work this out like reasonable adults.
I choose Mum.
Good boy.
I'm pregnant, Sean, I'm not going to sit in court all day.
Actually, that's a good point.
A pregnant, single woman will not play well with the jury.
Sean! Hey, I don't make the social mores, I just follow them, alright? Daniel.
Hang on, mate, it's still my pick.
No, you chose social mores, she said 'no'.
You can't have two picks.
Mate, I need the numbers! And he's my employee.
Well, I need him to deliver hot dogs.
No, mate, he'd be useless at that.
I need him in a suit with his puppy dog face.
I need that for the sympathy vote.
You've got the sympathy vote covered right here.
This is political strength.
This face ticks boxes.
Dan, you choose.
Wo you want to go with? Which head? Oh, it's fine, I can do both.
I'll go to court in the morning, then come to the fundraiser.
Well, you better be there on time, that's all I can say.
Otherwise you'll miss meeting footballing legend Donny Lannegan.
Oh, what? I love Donnybrook! Well, he hates you.
He doesn't even know me.
I'm just in the bath.
So, Sean's been charged with penguicide.
What? Honestly, sometimes I just can't believe I'm related to those people.
Family, huh? I know what you mean.
Oh, I was I was thinking about giving the old pegs a scrub.
Well, actually, mate, we were having a bit of a D&M.
Oh, sorry.
I'll do them later.
I'll just leave you guys to it.
Thank you, man.
Thank you.
Hello? Ah, Vonnie You've called Yvonne.
Please leave a message after the tone.
Vonnie, it's Terry here.
I was just ringing to invite you to my fundraiser tomorrow.
It starts at 11am and, well, why don't you get on your bike and come on down? We'll see you there.
No, I I was just that's my slogan.
I wasn't actually telling you what to do or anything like that.
Well, alright.
I will anyway bye-bye.
Bye then.
Wakey-wakey! Oh, no, the mattress has gone down! Really? Hadn't noticed.
Come on, mate, it's the best part of the day.
Oh, yeah.
I always sleep in.
Is that my hoodie? Oh, yeah.
Your shoes too.
Same size.
Sorry, he didn't have anything.
So, you, ah your back's obviously feeling better, is it, Sam? Yeah, fine.
Except this one hogs the doona all night.
Always has.
I don't hog the doona! You always have.
I have to put my hands over my ears Oh, hands over your ears? .
because of the snoring! Well, if I had some doona I wouldn't.
Please, stop it! Please stop! Mr Moody, in your own words, please tell the jury what happened next.
Um, the marinara May I remind you, you are under oath?! They're not gonna say that, Sean.
Quiet in the jury box.
And why is Scotty playing you? Represent yourself.
What a joke.
Ah, sorry, Dad, you've chosen team Terry, so the court doesn't recognise you at all.
What the hell is going on here? Shush.
Oh, we're pretending to practice for the trial.
What, in my house? Don't worry, it's all legit, OK? It's like John Grisham film in here.
Scotty, get away from my bar.
No, don't badger my witness.
Your court has no jurisdiction in my lounge room.
My court does not recognise this as a lounge room.
Case dismissed.
No, case undismissed.
Oh, bugger this.
So, they're in the bathroom together? Yeah.
Well, she was in the bath.
Like, she was having a bath.
Is it I mean, that is weird, isn't it? Oh, my God, yes! It is very weird and very wrong.
Was she naked? She was completely naked.
Come on, mate, you're a Gemini, what am I? Sagi I'm a Capricorn! Think it through, mate! If you can't do it here, how are you going to do it there? Have you even thought this through? No, you're useless! You're an incredible witness, and not in a good way.
If you're going to crack under this pressure, mate, how are you going to do in a public court?! And don't forget to have look through our world-class collection of exoticalia.
But now to the main event.
This bloke here.
Now no, not yet, Donny.
Now, when I said to him I was running for local council, he said to me .
he said, 'Terry, I hope you do something about bike lanes.
' To which I said to him .
I said, 'Donny, you know what Terry Moody's all about? On your' Bike.
Bike, yes! So, without any further adieu, I would like now to introduce a very, very good friend of mine, a footy legend and a bloke who is very passionate about bike lanes, Donny Lannegan! Thanks, Terry.
How you going, folks? Jeez, and I thought lining up against the '02 Kiwis was an ugly proposition.
Oh, come on, they're not that ugly.
We love you, Donnybrook! Yeah? Prove it, darling.
We love you.
Thank you.
That's thank you.
Donny, you know, bike lanes.
Oh, yeah, right.
Yeah, look, seriously, folks, let's talk about bike lanes.
Bike lanes.
Bike lanes.
Look, there's nothing that gives you the shits more than some bloody lycra-clad yuppie who's acting like he's riding in the bloody Tour de France, you know what I mean? I mean, one minute they're in the bike lane next to you, the next, they're right in front of you.
I mean, you can't pick and choose the bloody road rules, mate! No It is like I tell my kids, if you can't use 'em properly, you can't have 'em at all! Good on you, Terry! Right? Bloody hate bike lanes, can't wait till you get rid of the bastards! Bike lanes suck! Come on! Bike lanes suck! Bike lanes suck! That's not how it should Bike lanes suck! Bike lanes suck! Alright, stop it! Stop it! Now get off there.
Now, I totally agree with you on all those points there, but I will say on my point, if we improve bike lanes then the traffic might flow much more freely.
Look, I suppose I could look into getting rid of them.
But in any case, I would have to get into office first.
Donny Lannegan! Thank you.
Thanks, everyone.
Thanks, guys.
And are you pleading guilty or not guilty? I don't think it's an either-or situation, m'lud.
The court thinks otherwise.
Ah, yes, but when you say, 'guilty', I'm not a guilty person, m'lud, because I'm not bad, prima faeces.
So, in a very real and legally binding sense, I am not guilty.
Mr Moody, if you wish to plead not guilty that's fine.
I will set a date six weeks from now to hear your case.
But I strongly suggest that you engage proper legal representation because the court will take a very dim view of you having wasting its time and resources, and that may be reflected in the sentencing.
Ah, yes.
But Or you can plead guilty, make a brief statement, present your written submissions and I will take into account your cooperation and honesty.
Which of these options sound better to you? The second one.
Thought so.
Guilty plea entered.
Take a seat, Mr Moody.
May I have the prosecutor's facts, please? I've gotta go help Terry.
Dan! Hey, Dan, Dan, if you're going, can I borrow your tie? No.
But this one's broken.
The clip on it Yeah.
I'll give it back later.
Here, you can have this one.
No, I'm fine.
Mr Moody? Dan! Dan! Mr Moody! Hey, Dan! Hey! What time's school formal? Yeah! Hey.
I've just got to pick up some samples from work.
Ah, OK.
I'll be back soon.
See ya.
Dan, have you seen her designs? Unbelievable.
Yeah, they're good, aren't they? Yeah.
Soon you won't have to rely on Centrelink anymore.
Ride on those coat tails.
Oh, I don't - I've got a job.
Yeah, I heard! By the way, you never told me you had such an incredible sister.
Oh! Yeah, she is, isn't she? Actually, could I just borrow my incredible, one-in-a-million sister now? Bridget? Now? Yep.
That's OK.
Um, so, what happened to very weird, very wrong? Well, it's not weird for me.
I'm not his sister.
That doesn't make it OK for you to sit in his little foot fetish lounge.
Dan, I'm pregnant! And he is lovely.
You know, he's just broken up from a long-term relationship.
Well, that doesn't give him licence to go around giving foot massages willy-nilly, does it? Knock-knock.
Not talking about me, are you? No.
I was just chatting to my sister about some family stuff.
You know, Dan, there's plenty to go around.
I don't see it as a sexual thing.
I didn't say it was a sexual thing.
No, 'cause it's not.
I could give you the once-over.
No, I'm fine, thanks.
I've actually got some things to do.
My uncle's got an important fundraiser so I'll leave you guys to it.
Come on, Donny! Look out, mate.
Here we go.
I thought he'd be better than that.
- Oh, too good for me, champ.
- Well done, Tom.
Must practise a bit with his dad, does he? Oh, only every second Saturday.
Well done, mate, you just scored yourself two tickets to Shark Park this weekend.
Look, just pop your number in there and I'll give you a call to confirm.
Sounds good, Donny.
Phone numbers now, gee.
Off you go then.
Donny, is it alright to be letting them win all the time? They're just kids, mate, give them a bit of a thrill, you know? Yeah.
But is there a limit to the number of tickets you can give away? You tell me, mate.
Hey, I'm not the one you're the one with the tickets.
Yeah, I can get 'em.
I'm not gonna pay for 'em.
Donny, no.
No, no.
How many tickets have you given away, Donny? 44.
40 Fuck.
Donny, no, this is a fundraiser.
OK, I can pull the pin right now if you want, no skin off my nose.
My young bloke's been waiting here for 20 minutes.
No, right.
No, everyone settle down.
Kind, bearded sir, your son will get his shot, I'm sure, but I think Donny finally has his eye in.
M'lud, defence calls its first witness to the stand, Mr Scott Westgate.
Stop there, Mr Westgate.
This is not a trial.
Ah, yes, but Mr Westgate has some very material facts to bring to the court's attention, m'lud.
Your witness may submit a written account, Mr Moody.
M'lud, Mr Westgate can't write.
Objection! Overruled.
Mr Moody, sit down! Mr Westgate, very quickly, what do you wish to say? Um, just that, Your Honour, I was with Mr Moody on the night in question and he wasn't nearly as drunk as.
the marine constabulary claimed.
Mr Moody is not contesting the DUI charge.
Yeah, but just, like, he wasn't maggot or anything.
Like, he didn't spew, and we were on the sea, which should tell you something.
Mr Westgate? Yes, Your Honour? I don't want to hear from you again.
Oh, um, I can write as well.
Ah, no further questions.
Your witness? Get your hot dogs! Get on your bike and vote for Terry Moody.
Not bad.
Not bad at all, mate.
Hey, Dan, um Hey, Sam.
Sounded like you could use a bit of help, so Oh, that's nice of you.
I think Terry's somewhere over there, so No, I didn't actually come here to help.
I thought that we could have a chat.
I don't feel we've got off to the best start, you and me.
You and I.
No, it's actually me.
I feel like you're a bit threatened by me, you know? The whole sister thing, it's a bit weird, isn't it? Well, yeah, actually.
Now you mention it, it's a little bit weird.
So, you know, I wanted you to know that I would never do anything.
Of course you wouldn't.
Yeah, alright.
Well, I'm just saying that although I'm on the rebound, that I've been there before, years ago, and things got you know, really, really messy.
What do you mean you've been there? What, Cora didn't tell you? No! No.
She may have forgotten.
How could you forget that? Well, we were young.
We were experimenting.
Doesn't matter how old you are - you don't experiment Well, she didn't know the guy.
What guy? The guy whose sister it was.
There was another guy? No, my mate's sister.
The you in this situation.
Me? Your sister.
You're talking about YOUR sister.
It's your sister, Dan.
Stop saying 'sister'.
You're talking about Cora.
Cor No, I thought you might be uncomfortable about me and .
Bridget with the footy, with the mass because No, you No, you Hang on.
Oh, you meant Oh.
The famous Donny Lannegan flick pass, ladies and gentlemen.
Dan! I was joking.
You sick puppy! I was joking.
What goes on in your head? In that cranium of yours? Yes! I cannot wait to tell Cor Sorry, mate.
Really should keep your eye on the ball, eh? I was procuring the work vehicle when my learned colleague offered me what I took to be an energy sustaining beverage, such as the ones used by professional athletes.
My point, m'lud, is that this occurred on the sea, so surely the law of the sea applies.
Mr Moody And I quote, m'lud, if I could, from Moby Dick Just a second, m'lud.
from Moby Dick, perhaps the quintessential book about the sea.
Please, Mr Moody And I quote, m'lud, the Just a second.
by Henry Melville, published by Penguin Classics, ironically.
And I quote Thank you, Mr Moody.
'It is not down in any map, true places never are.
' Finished? No, m'lud.
In conclusion, m'lud, if tuna is the chicken of the sea and prawns are the snails of the sea, then surely penguins are the rats.
Your Honour, I'm Sean's mother, could I have a word, please? Objection! Mr Moody, stop objecting.
My son's hopeless.
I love him, but he's hopeless.
He's started 22 small business in the last six years and this one actually seems to be working, so I beg that you don't take his license and his jet ski because he needs it for work.
He hasn't got a clue but he tries so hard.
So, you're using the idiot defence, are you? Yes.
As a mother.
I'm using the my-son-is-an-idiot defence.
Strong objection! Shut up, Mr Moody! Shut up, Sean.
Three months suspended sentence, $500 fine.
Yes! Awesome.
That's awesome.
Sorry it couldn't have been different.
Thank you, Judge.
Policemen, stenographer.
Do you like apples? Hey, justice has been served today.
It can happen.
Sucked in! What, are you injured, Sam? Here, give me a look.
Oh, Jesus, cover that up.
What can we do, Sam? You want me to call Laura? I'm calling her.
I'm calling her now, OK? Just give us your phone.
Smell that, people? Free air.
You must be proud of your son, Mrs Moody? Mm-hm.
Thanks for the attempt, Mum, but I didn't need you to pervert the course of justice - I'd already won the case.
Won the case? You've got a criminal record now, Sean.
Oh, well, so did Gandhi.
Yeah, and John Lennon.
All those guys.
Axl Rose.
Oh, and that fine is coming out of your pay by the way, Scotty.
What? Mate, just 'cause the cops didn't see your cowardly swim to shore doesn't mean you beat the rap.
Not in my eyes.
Come on, let's get to Tez's.
Ah, no, Mum.
Something I gotta do first.
I'm gonna head off, Terry.
The MILF with the arse and the pink pants, she's, ah she's good to go.
Well, I'm sure she is.
Well, anyway, thanks very much, Donny.
No worries, mate.
Look, I might just grab my appearance fee off you.
Oh, well, I don't think we agreed on a figure for that.
What? What, did my agency not make that clear? Well, no, it certainly most did not.
Ah, well, live and learn, mate.
I'll tell you what, Donny, considering the mix-up with the tickets and the football-to-the-nose incident, I'll give you $1,500, plus you can have your pick of any of the wares here.
Yeah, nothing here really takes my fancy, mate.
No, I, um I think I'll just take the cash, thanks.
Donny, I've got a little lady in my life, and, um, well, I have a plan.
And the wheels are in motion, you see.
And, well, if I take a hit like this, those wheels might just come off.
You've got your hot little pants - why don't you help me to get mine? Please? Alright, Terry, I'll help you out, mate.
This is what I am going to do for you.
We'll make it 4,950 .
and throw in this set of samurai swords.
Sound fair? Will you take a cheque? Absolutely.
So, why did you call Laura again? I don't know, I thought that's what he said.
I'm sorry.
Hey, here she is.
Thank you.
It's alright.
Let's get you home, hey? He'll be OK.
Um, Mr Jeeves, I'm Sean Moody and I just wanted to come here to pay my respects.
Had no idea you were this bad though.
Just don't die on me.
Excuse me, sir, this area isn't open to visitors.
Hey? Sorry.
It's alright, I'm the reason this little guy's here.
Are you the jet ski guy? Yeah.
Well, um, that's not Mr Jeeves.
Where's Mr Jeeves? Been released.
Are you serious? Yeah.
Oh, God! Oh, what a relief! Oh, shit.
What's the what's this guy's story? He's got a broken wing.
Broken wing? Yeah.
Are you sure it's not broken flipper? It's wing.
I'm going to have to disagree with you, because if you think about it, I know birds have wings, but it's a flipping motion through the water.
And if you think of famous penguins, like Danny DeVito in Batman Returns, that's a that's a flipper.
Can you please leave? Yeah, OK, I'm going.
Well, it worked.
He's moving back in with her.
I mean, I love him, but he's just always there in my space.
Hey, does she look a little bit like you? What? No.
She Actually, I think she does.
I think actually she looks exactly like you.
What, because she's got sunglasses and brown hair? And an identical face.
What? You do! Are you drunk? Anyway.
Point is, Sammy's moving out.
Awesome, 'cause I'm moving in for a while.
That's good.
No, you're not, Sean.
Hey, don't even start with me, brother.
You got a lot of sucking up to do after skipping court today.
Yeah, I saw what you did.
And I'm not staying on the air mattress either, Cora.
Urgh! Yo, yo, Tezbo! Councilman elect! How'd it all go, mate? Well, I had an awesome day.
Totally beat the rap.
Thanks for asking, everyone.
Oh, and Mr Jeeves totally lived.
Boo-yaa! Oh! Oh, boo-yaa! He's lived, that's good for him, isn't it? He can pay for the 128 frillion billion tickets that I have to pay for for this weekend for the footy.
Or the $5,000 I paid Donny Lannegan for hitting on my prospective pink pants-protesting people.
I mean, who am I kidding here? This whole campaign was just a way of me trying to prove to her that I am a man of substance.
And she didn't even turn up.
Who? Vonnie! Oh, mate, we all saw that coming.
Come on.
And now I don't even know how I feel about bike lanes.
I can't even change the gears properly! I get confused from the brakes and the buttons, and the ones at the back and the front.
There's like I think there's about 18 million gears on the thing.
I don't know when you pedal fast to go on the big ones or the small ones.
I need to wee.
Hey, same teams, hey? You got Bridget.
Come on, let's go.
What? Yeah.
Come on.
And the results are inconclusive.
So it could be anything? It's just a little fluey-like thing.
Isn't it polite to let someone know you're having their child? Was it polite of him to put his penis inside her in his car? You're being audited.
They know that you've never paid tax.
You could go to jail.
Whatever I did for you I did out of love.
I can't believe you dobbed to my father.
You ready to shred that snake Ferguson? You wanna be in politics? This is politics! Can I talk to you about something for a second? Hi! Hi! So, if I win this thing you will come for a ride with me? You gotta win it first.