The Munsters (1964) s01e05 Episode Script

Pike's Pique

Uh, Igor? [Squeaking] Igor? Igor, will you hold this a second? Dropped it again.
[Sneeze] [Chuckles] Are you feeling any better, Herman? Well, uh, uh, my headache's gone.
But my sinuses are killing me.
Oh, and, uh, Grandpa.
This draft down here isn't helping any either.
[Laughs] Don't be ridiculous! How can there be a draft Mr.
Pike, this is the property in question right here.
Belongs to a family named Munster.
They're some kind of holdout.
Well, we've only got 60 feet to go for the two pipelines to connect.
Juncture-wise, that is.
So, Harkness, get somebody over there to secure the right-of-way.
Well, we sentJohnson over, B.
, but, uh, he didn't come back.
Well, get him on the phone! I tried to, B.
, but the doctor at the sanitarium said there are no phones in the padded rooms.
That's what you get for hiring a neurotic.
If I don't get this pipeline completed on schedule, the mayor and the city council are going to have my head on a platter.
I'll tell you what you do: Put the pipeline under the Munster's house.
We don't even need to tell 'em about it.
Go down about 25 feet.
That should do it.
I don't know, B.
We could be in trouble.
Borden T.
Pike laughs at trouble.
[Forced Laughing] I don't intend to be intimidated by the Munsters.
Besides, what kind of trouble would we run into 25 feet underground? Uh, that stuff you gave me yesterday didn't work at all.
Uh, have you got any-anything else? I'll be right [Creaking] Back! Stay right here.
Don't go 'way! Now, now, now.
Where did I put that stuff? No, no, no, no.
That's not what I'm looking for.
And besides, I thought I told you to wait in the washing machine! Uh, this isn't gonna hurt, is it? [Cackling] Don't be such a baby, Herman.
?? [Humming] [Gurgling] Ahh! ?? [Continues] [Liquid Sloshing] ?? [Hums] [Sloshes] And you expect me to believe a ridiculous story like that? Horrible creatures, bats flying around Scare tactics, pure and simple.
They tried tojack up the price by putting on those ridiculous disguises.
Well, I know it-it sounds ridiculous, but that's the way this fellow reported the story to me.
He just doesn't want to assume the responsibility for having broken into that cellar.
But sir, we never expected anyone to have a cellar that deep.
No excuses.
Now, get out of here.
And don't come back until you get a haircut.
Yes, sir.
All right, Harkness.
I'll handle this myself.
Fanny, dear, I called to tell you that I won't be home for supper tonight.
I have a very important business engagement across town.
All right.
Who is she? Fanny, I'm not seeing a woman.
Yes, I did have lunch with a woman.
It was my mother! Fanny, stop being so jealous.
I can't help it if my mother was a woman.
It could happen to anybody! All right.
I'll speak to her about it.
[Rapid, High-pitched Babbling] Yes, dear.
[Babbling Continues] Yes, dear.
[Continues] Yes, dear! I'll show those Munsters that Borden T.
Pike will not be intimidated.
[Wolf Howling] [Banging, Echoing] [Snarling] Spotty.
Get away from the door! Get away! Eddie! Come and get Spot and put him in the kitchen this instant! I'm terribly sorry, but Spotty gets so excited when we have visitors.
Won't you come in? I'll come in, but remember I'm not easily taken in.
May I have your hat, Mr.
, uh Pike.
Borden T.
City Gas.
Come right in, Mr.
I'm Herman Munster.
This is my father-in-law, the Count.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
Uh, won't you have a seat? [Pike] Now, we realized you were inconvenienced.
We're prepared to compensate you for the damage Why, hello there.
For the damage done to your basement.
In addition to which, we will pay you, uh, fifteen [Grunting] Uh, $1,500 for the continuance of the right-of-way through your property.
That is my final offer.
$1,500! That would come in very handy for a sunny day.
Boy, how much is that in cheese? Uh, Eddie.
You've been told before.
Don't play with that mousetrap.
The mice will never go near it now.
Uh, well, Mr.
It sounds like a good deal to me.
Oh, good.
I'm against it.
The idea of sneaking a gas main under our property.
Thank you.
I urge you to accept my offer.
It will be good for your neighbors and friends.
The entire community will benefit from the pipeline.
Well, l-I would say, if it's good for the community, we have to accept.
I think we should take Herman's advice.
After all, he's always been the levelheaded one of the family.
I want no part of it.
I don't like the idea of anybody digging on the premises.
There's no telling who they'll come up with.
I urge you to accept my offer.
And don't think you're gonna get me to raise it, because I don't scare easy.
[Stammers] Mr.
This is my house, and it's gonna be my way.
Uh, l-I agree with Lily.
We accept.
My boy.
I want you to be a witness to my degradation.
Now someday, you'll have creatures of your own.
You'll know what to expect.
[Groans] [Chuckles] This is what you want? This is what you'll get.
If you want me, I'll be in my room.
[Shivers, Gasps] Good night! [Explosion] [Chirping] Oh, Grandpa! Uh, you'll have to excuse Grandpa, Mr.
You know how old people [Door Slamming] Mr.
Pike? Mr.
Pike? [Crash] [Eddie] Ow.
! Ow! Boy.
I told him to keep his big trap shut.
Eddie! I don't care what Grandpa says.
I'm gonna go call Mr.
Pike right now and tell him we accept.
After all, we can't always think of ourselves.
W-We have to think of our neighbors too.
Herman, you certainly have a good heart.
Best money can buy.
Eddie! [Phone Ringing] Hello.
Uh, Mr.
Munster? [Chuckles] Yes, this is Mr.
Oh, oh, Mr.
You left in such a hurry.
We didn't finish the deal.
If you like, I can drop over right now, sign the papers, and pick up the check.
No, no, don't do that! I'll-I'll have my secretary m-mail it to you tomorrow.
Borden, who's that on the telephone? Another one of your girlfriends? No, it's a business call! On, uh, second thought, Mr.
Munster, it might be a good idea for you to drop over this evening.
I'd like my wife to meet you.
I know where.
Oh, just a headstone's throw from here.
Be right over.
Bye now.
Oh, come on.
Ow! That hurts! Stop it.
That's a good boy.
Now, Herman, I don't want you going out.
You've already had a sinus attack today.
And you're not looking well.
Ooh, you've even got color in your cheeks.
Really? Oh.
Well, um, maybe you're right.
L My sinuses have been acting up.
Well, they were probably worn out when you got them.
Grandpa! Are you going to hang around here sulking all night? Why don't you go to your room? Hmm! Why should I? Anyplace I hang myself is home.
Hi, Grandpa.
Oh, Marilyn.
I'm so glad you're here.
Would you mind going on an errand for us, to Mr.
Pike's? - I'd be happy to.
- Oh, and be sure to introduce yourself to his wife.
Uh, Mr.
Pike said he'd like us to meet her.
And be warm and friendly.
It always pays off.
The idea.
A man your age carrying on like that.
Anything you say, dear.
And don't "dear" me! As soon as you do, I know you're up to something.
Really, Borden, after all these years of marriage, you'd think you know where your place is by this time.
And as far as I'm concerned [Doorbell Chimes] I'll get the door, dear.
Don't you bother.
Don't you bother.
I'll get the door.
Fanny, dear, I think you'd better let me get the door.
[Chuckles] We'll just see about that! I'm Marilyn Munster.
I just happen to be Mrs.
I'm here for the money.
Your husband knows what it's for.
You horrible creature! Well, what did you think of that? [Crashes] Well! What did you think of that? Now are you going to listen to me? Oh, how I would like to boil that Mr.
Pike in oil! But no.
You had to give away my cookbook to the Goodwill.
Don't worry about it.
I'll handle this myself.
The nerve of those people.
It makes me furious! Herman, don't lose your head.
I'm-I'm gonna go call that Mr.
Pike right now! That's right, dear.
Don't be afraid.
You just show him who you're made of! [Dialing] Pike? This is Herman Munster.
Never mind that.
You can't treat my niece that way! Oh, yeah? Usually, I'm not a violent man.
But I'm coming over there right now and punch you in the nose.
Fanny? Fa Fanny! Yes? Who was that at the door a few minutes ago? Huh! As if you didn't know! It's that snippy little blonde of yours, that Marilyn Munster, or whatever her name is.
Oh, that's what he meant! Her uncle is on his way here now.
He's We-Well, he's indescribable! You'll have to leave immediately.
I'll stay here and defend our home.
Oh! I get the picture.
Really, Borden, you're not about to use child psychology on me again.
No! You can't get rid of me that way.
Obviously that little blonde creature is on her way here right now.
No, it's her uncle.
! Well, don't think I'm gonna make it easy for the two of you.
I'm not about to! And if there's any home defending to do, you can be sure I'm gonna do it! [Door Chimes] It's him! It's her.
[Giggling] [Hiccups] [Giggles] Now, you stop that laughing, Eddie.
I can't help it.
Daddy looks so funny with that thing on his nose! Never mind that.
Now you just finish your breakfast, and you'd better start dawdling, or you're going to be on time for school! As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted, when Mr.
Pike Morning, folks! Morning.
Good morning.
[Eddie] Morning.
- Oh, isn't this a beautiful day! - Thank you! Does anybody mind if I continue with my story? Not while I'm eating.
All right.
I won't tell you what happened! [Scoffs] Please, Herman, dear.
Do tell us what happened.
All right.
When Mr.
Pike came out and saw his wife lying on the floor, he thought I hit her! - He punched me in the nose.
- Oh, you poor dear! Ooh! Ooh! Well, oh, one thing though.
I think it cured my sinus.
[Loud Banging On Door] I'll get it.
[Creaking] - Truce! - Truce.
Oh, dear, it stopped raining.
I'm afraid the weather's turning bad.
Uh, I came to apologize.
You see, when your niece came to my house, my wife was expecting someone else who, uh, never showed up.
That's all right, Mr.
I can understand it.
It happens to me a lot too.
I'm-I'm sorry I hit you.
I'm not ordinarily a violent man, but when I saw my wife lying there, l-l-l Oh, uh, lost your head? Y-Yes, that's right.
Right on the nose! Oh! Please don't! Don't say, "on the nose.
" Well, if you're still interested in the deal, I brought a check for the amount that we agreed upon.
$1,500 for the right-of-way, if you'll just sign the contract.
Huh, don't you sign that! But the mayor's waiting in my office! If I don't bring this contract back with your signature, he'll have my head! Grandpa, we made a deal.
Majority rules.
Don't be a sore loser.
Pike, you won't get away with this! I'm sorry, Grandpa, but we made a deal.
[Explosion] [Growling] [Lily] Heel, Grandpa.
Down, Grandpa.
! [Groans] Oh, missed again.
Oh, these darn contact lenses.
Uh, you'll have to forgive Grandpa, Mr.
He doesn't give up easily.
Oh, that-that's all right.
You can use my pen.
Thank you.
[Electrical Buzzing, Sparking] I don't understand! It's a brand new pen.
Well, I'm a man that always knows when he's beat.
Why not use mine? Thank you, Grandpa.
You won't be sorry.
You can say that again! Thank you.
Thank you! Won't you come in, Mr.
Pike? I was just about to brew a fresh flagon of tea.
No, thank you.
I want to thank you, Mr.
Ever since your visit to my house, my wife's been a changed woman.
She says, from now on, she'll believe anything I say.
Well, it's nice to know, as we go through life, we can bring a little happiness to others.
Well, you've made me a very happy man.
Ha! Nice man.
[Phone Rings] I'll get it.
[Ringing Continues] Hello? Oh! It's Mrs.
Cribbins, from next door.
Oh? Really? I see.
Yes, that's fine.
Thanks for calling, Mrs.
Herman? What's the matter? Wh-What's the matter, Herman? Mrs.
Cribbins, and everyone else on the block, got $3,500 from the gas company.
And we only got $1,500.
He took advantage of our good natures.
I was right! I knew we couldn't trust that man! Wait a minute! Here's another check for $5,000.
"Dear Munsters, A little bonus for all your trouble and inconvenience.
Your friend, Borden.
" Oh, how generous ofhim.
! [Stammering] There's more.
After 30 years, I am finally a happily married man.
Since my wife and I met you, we've never looked so good to each other.
" How sweet! - [Herman] Isn't it? - We can't possibly keep the money.
I mean Well, we just can't take money for helping people.
I guess you're right as usual, Lily.
It's like taking blood money.
Don't try to cheer me up.
I feel bad enough.
- What do you mean? - My pen was filled with disappearing ink.
I just can't seem to get the right wavelength.
Grandpa, that crystal ball doesn't work anymore.
All you ever get are the reruns of My Little Margie.
I got it! I got it! I got it! Pike, you're a disgrace! Men like you give gas a bad name! But, Your Honor, I saw Mr.
Munster sign that with my own eyes! L-I don't understand Pike, I suggest you resign and give up drinking.
In that order! Grandpa, how did you do that? I guess it's just in his blood! I'll drink to that! [Snaps Fingers]