The Munsters (1964) s01e06 Episode Script

Low-Cal Munster

[Groaning, Gasping] [Wind Howling] [Man] Ah! Here we are! Look at that bird.
Mother, you've outdone yourself this time.
Just put it down and let me get started on it.
May we be truly thankful for what we're about to receive.
[Thunder Crashes] What does everybody want? [All Chattering] [Screaming] [Thinking] That tall, dark, handsome-looking fellow you're looking at is me.
I guess you're wondering what's going on here.
Well, it all started about 10 days ago, when I was invited to a reunion of my old army outfit.
[Lily] You can't do it.
No matter how hard you try, it just won't fit.
I don't understand it.
It must have shrunk since I got out of the army.
[Chuckles] Were you a hero in the war, Dad? Well, I don't like to brag, Eddie, but when I'd get up out of that foxhole, the enemy would take one look at me in this uniform and run.
Come to think of it, a lot of our guys used to look at me and run too.
You can forget about wearing it to the reunion.
It just doesn't fit.
Look.
This is the first time in 20 years the guys from my old outfit are getting together.
They're all gonna be wearing their uniforms at the banquet.
How will it look if I'm the only guy to show up in civvies? They'll all stare at me.
Herman, I don't want you to go at all.
I know what goes on at those so-called reunions.
Besides, if there's one thing you don't need, it's a banquet.
Just look at you.
What's wrong with me? What's wrong? You're too fat.
That's what's wrong.
Fat? Me, fat? Yeah.
Marilyn, I ask you am I too fat? - Well - Never mind! What are you yelling at Marilyn for? I mean, don't you know that fat men are supposed to be jolly? That's not the issue.
Herman, if you go to that reunion, you'll be away overnight.
Lily Herman, we haven't been separated in over a hundred years.
But, Lily, it's just one night.
I know just the way Lily feels.
I felt the same way about Grandma.
[Sighs] Oh, she was quite a woman, your grandma.
Lily, I wanna go to the reunion.
I wanna, I wanna! I wanna! All right, Herman.
I'll tell you what.
The reunion is still If you can lose enough weight to get into your uniform by then, you can go.
You got yourself a deal.
I'll just stop eating.
Oh, no.
No, no.
You'll have to to go to a doctor and have a physical examination.
Get him to put you on a sensible diet.
I don't want a sick corpse on my hands.
Okay.
You've got yourself a deal.
[Man] What are my appointments today? [Woman] Well, you have a new patient a Mr.
Munster.
He's here for a checkup.
Something about a diet.
Then you have a pretty full schedule till noontime.
A diet, huh? Oh, all right.
Oh, would you take these glasses down to the optometrist down the hall? The lens keeps popping out on me, and I'm so nearsighted, I can't see a thing without 'em.
I'll be right back, Doctor.
[Knocking] Yes.
Yes.
Excuse me.
There's no one outside, and I have an appointment.
- I'm Herman Munster.
- Oh, yes.
My nurse just stepped down the hall.
Uh, come in.
I'm Doctor Dudley.
How do you do? Well, Mr.
Munster, I see you brought your doggie.
I'm afraid he'll have to wait outside unless he's had his shots.
I'm afraid you don't understand.
I'm here for an examination.
I have some weight to lose in a hurry.
Oh, yes.
You're the gentleman.
Who wants the diet.
Well, my nurse just took my glasses to be repaired, and, uh I could come back later.
No need.
No need.
It's just a routine physical.
I could do it blindfolded.
Now, if you just sit down over here, I'll look you over.
Now, stick out your tongue.
Doc? Oh, there you are.
You mustn't be afraid of me.
Now, have, uh, you ever had the measles? Chicken pox? Or the mumps? Or severe dizziness or headaches? No.
Just the Black Plague.
Black Plague? Very funny.
Something wrong? No, no.
That's what I get for buying this equipment from my brother-in-law.
Now, have, uh have you had your appendix or, uh, tonsils or gallbladder or spleen removed? No, not since they were first put in.
Quite a comedian, aren't ya? Sixty-two point eight? Why, that's incredible! Oh, not really.
I always run a little fever when I'm nervous.
Well, you mustn't be nervous.
And now I'll take your pulse.
Now, look, I told you once you got to get the dog out of here! Scoot! Scoot! Doc, that's my hand.
Y-You mean you were born with this? No, someone else was.
And I'll always be grateful.
Not everyone will give you a hand when you need one.
If you're gonna make me laugh, we'll be here all day.
Now, if you'll just step over here to the scale, Mr.
Munster.
Doc, I hate to contradict you, but the scale is over here.
Oh, I'm sorry.
The woman that dusts for me keeps moving my things.
Now, if you'll just step up here.
[Bongs Four Times] Where's the nurse with those glasses? Well, shall we check the old tick-tick-ticker? Keep the best for the last.
Mr.
Munster, now, if you'll just sit down here.
That That-a-boy.
Here we go.
You know, I just discovered something extraordinary.
I can't hear a thing without my glasses.
Doc How silly of me.
You ought to be a doctor.
[Knocking] There we are.
[Knocking Continues] Comin' in good.
Doc, I think there's someone at the door.
[Knocking Continues] You're right.
Excuse me.
Here are your glasses, Doctor.
Thank you, Nurse.
She's pretty but poky.
Well, shall we, uh, push on, Mr.
Munster? Is there a doctor in the house? Lily? Grandpa? Lily? Oh.
Listen to this.
It's from the doctor.
What were the results of your examination? "Dear Mr.
Munster, "I have studied the results of your examination "and have reached the following conclusions: "Your pulse is 15; your blood pressure is minus three; body temperature, 62.
8; and heartbeat, none.
" So far, so good.
"Furthermore, it is my duty as a physician to warn you that unless you go on the enclosed diet and lose 100 pounds immediately, you'll be dead in a week.
" - But if I'm dead, I can't go to the reunion.
- Well, I don't know.
That never stopped me from going anywhere.
I'm gonna lose a hundred pounds and go to the reunion in uniform even if it kills me.
Herman, lunch.
I don't know how he's done it.
Six days on nothing but vitamins and water.
I didn't think he'd really be able to stick to it this long.
Herman.
Hurry up.
Your lunch is getting cold.
Mmm.
Looks delicious.
And what have we here? Vitamins and water.
Oh, Lily.
Oh.
And a B-12 too.
Lily, you shouldn't have gone to so much trouble.
Delicious.
Would you pass [Chewing Loudly] [Sloshing] [Burps] I never knew you could get indigestion from water.
Has anybody got a toothpick? Enough is enough! You win.
Go to the reunion.
Just don't wear your uniform.
But please, eat something.
No! Now it's become a matter of principle.
And besides, I've just got four more days to go.
Four more days.
You'll never make it.
Never make it.
[Stomach Bubbling] [Bubbling Continues] Aha! Grandpa! What are you doing hanging around down here? What am I doing? [Chuckles] What are you doing? - I thought I heard a burglar.
- Of course.
And you thought you'd find him in the refrigerator.
[Laughing] Herman, put yourself in my place and look at the diet from a sensible position.
No.
I've only got two more days to go, and I've got to get to that reunion.
For your own good, take my advice.
Listen to someone whose head is not always in the clouds.
Eat something already.
No.
Now it's become a matter of principle.
I'm gonna see it through! You'll never make it.
[Laughing] You'll never make it! Good night.
[Stomach Bubbling] And please stop that noise.
I'm trying to get some sleep.
[Bubbling Continues] [Objects Clattering] Oh, come on, Uncle Herman.
Eat something.
Please? Look.
Today is my last day.
I'm gonna make it.
Tomorrow's the reunion.
You'll never last.
You'll eat before the day is up.
Oh, no, I won't.
Tonight at dinner, can I have his drumstick? We'll see, dear.
- Drumstick? - Yeah.
Today's Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving? I told you he wouldn't make it.
You mean, Thanksgiving with turkey and cranberry sauce? That kind ofThanksgiving? Yeah, that's the kind with the dressing and the mashed potatoes and the gravy.
With the dressing and the mashed potatoes and the gravy And the pickled beets and the mushrooms and the candied yams.
With the pickled beets and the mushrooms, the candied yams And the olives and the celery stuffed with Roquefort cheese.
Olives, the celery stuffed with Roquefort cheese.
And the homemade biscuits oozing with melted butter.
Homemade biscuits oozing with melted butter And don't forget the pumpkin pie! Pumpkin pie [Gasps] Oh! He fainted! Oh! Oh, Herman.
Herman.
Oh.
Oh, Herman.
[Grandpa] I'll call the doctor.
Oh, are you all right, pussycat? He's right in here, Doctor.
Thank you.
I didn't like the look of him when he was in my office last week.
Didn't like the looks of his doggie either.
A little on the mangy side.
Well, I don't know what you're talking about, Doctor, but I do think you ought to examine him.
All right.
We'll have a look here.
What are you doing, Doctor? I hate to say this, but, uh, you called me a little too late.
There's nothing more I can do.
What do you mean? This is just a fainting spell.
He's had these before.
Well, eight or nine times in the last 100 years! I'm very sorry.
Now, if you'll just help me fill out this form for the authorities, I won't intrude on you any longer.
Now, was he a resident of the country over six months? Well, yes, but Did he serve in the armed forces? Of course, Doctor, but what How many years? Three years, but Three years.
[Herman] Four years.
Four years.
What was that? I said it was four years.
Don't you remember, Lily? The first year I was at Fort Benning.
Then I went overseas.
And then I was transferred to that outfit [Cries Out] [Gasping, Shouting] That doctor is ill.
He shouldn't be allowed around sick people.
Lily, what happened? The last thing I remember is something about pumpkin pie.
It's all right, Herman.
You just fainted.
That silly doctor thought you were dead.
What a ridiculous mistake.
[Scoffs] I may be starving to death, but I'm the picture of health.
Just the same, this diet has gone far enough.
No reunion is worth it.
No.
I've only got Lily, only 24 hours.
And I'm gonna make it.
All I need is a little something to hold me through the day.
Herman, I think I have just the thing that will hold you.
That oughta hold you.
Thanks a lot.
I knew I could depend on you.
This reunion must be awfully important to you, Herman.
Are you sure this is the way you want it? Lily, it's the only way.
[Lily] Well, Herman, we have to go now.
We thought we'd eat our Thanksgiving dinner out.
That way, you won't be bothered by the smell of food.
- Can you see the TV set all right, Uncle Herman? - Fine.
Fine.
- You sure you'll be all right? - Oh, sure.
Just go out and enjoy yourselves.
Have a hearty meal.
Bon app├ętit.
Well, good-bye, Herman.
Good-bye.
Good-bye.
Good-bye, Eddie.
Good night, dear.
Good night.
Good-bye, Uncle Herman.
Good night, Marilyn.
Don't worry about me.
I'll be just fine.
[Thinking] Hmph! Big deal.
A turkey dinner.
Who needs it, anyway? [Man On TV] That was a program of dinner music coming to you from the Gourmet Room Iocated in the heart of Eaton, Pennsylvania.
And now, a word from our sponsor.
Are you in the market for a Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings? The phone our send-home department, and within an hour, on your table, a hot turkey dinner the finest of succulent white meat, the tastiest drumsticks, the spiciest of stuffings, all smothered in a deep, rich brown gravy.
[Gasping] [Man Continues, Indistinct] [Groaning, Gasping] [Man] Then top off this delectable repast with a delicious slice of [Indistinct] [Grunting] In a sea of hot fudge sauce [Caws] [Screams] Ah! Here we are! Look at that bird.
Mother, you've outdone yourself this time.
Just put it down and let me get started on it.
May we be truly thankful for what we're about to receive.
[Thunder Crashes] Now, let's see.
What does everybody want? [All Chattering] Oh, this cuts beautifully.
[Screaming] Turkey.
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm.
Delicious! Mmm.
Boy.
Mashed potatoes.
Mashed potatoes.
Oh, will you pass the brussels sprouts, please? Mmm.
That's good.
And this turkey is delicious.
! Did you make the dressing yourself? Delicious! Oh, would you give my wife the recipe? Where is the cranberry sauce? Uh, would someone pass me the cranberry sauce? What's a Thanksgiving without cranberry sauce? Will you pass the cranberry sauce? I want some cranberry sauce! Where's Herman? He's up in the attic trying on his uniform.
[Chuckling] That's right.
Tonight's the reunion of his old army outfit.
Boy, the way he ate last night, he'll never get into that uniform! It was very nice of Mrs.
Farber not to send for the police after the way Herman acted.
Mrs.
Farber was very understanding.
As a matter of fact, she said whenever her husband goes on a diet, he acts hardly human.
[Chuckles] Becomes a regular fiend.
Not only did Herman eat their entire dinner but he even brought home the cranberry sauce in a doggie bag.
Gee, Dad, you look great! Thank you, son.
There certainly is something about a soldier.
I never thought I'd be saying good-bye to you again in uniform.
Lily, it's just one night, you know.
I'm not going overseas.
What's this? Just my ribs, that's all.
Let's see.
Uh It's a bulletproof vest.
[Laughing] "Bulletproof vest.
" That's Grandma's old corset.
Well, I admit it's not strictly G.
I.
, but that cranberry sauce sure puts weight on ya!