The Munsters (1964) s01e07 Episode Script

Tin Can Man

[Footsteps Pounding] [Creaking] Eddie's flunked science.
What? I can't believe it.
Eddie's always had it up here.
Well, it's about time we gave it to him down here.
I was just in his room, and I found these letters from his school principal, Mr.
Balding.
Three of them! Obviously, he's been hiding them.
I can't understand it.
We've never given him any reason to be afraid of us.
That's true, Lily.
I tell ya.
I'm very concerned.
I haven't been so shocked since the last time I sat in Grandpa's chair.
What are we gonna do? Well, I think we'll have to go right down to that school and find out what's going on.
There's nothing better at a time like this than meeting face-to-face.
Oh, Taggert, don't you think you're being a trifle too harsh on the boy? In my professional opinion, Eddie Munster should be expelled.
I think you're going too far, Taggert.
After all, this is a grammar school.
You're not a prison guard anymore.
If you'd use a few more of my methods, you'd have less trouble with some of your inmates.
I mean, pupils.
Look, Taggert.
I don't care if your brother-in-law is a member of the Board of Education.
I am running this school, not you! Now, there could be a perfectly good reason why the Munsters haven't answered my letters.
Hmph.
That's exactly what Dillinger's principal said.
All right.
What do you suggest we should do about it? You leave it to me.
I'm going out to their house and throw a good scare into those Munsters.
Eddie, why didn't you show us these notes from your teacher? I guess I didn't want you to know I was failing science, sir.
I can't understand it.
Don't you want to follow in your father's tracks? Young man, I think we're just gonna have to suspend some of your privileges.
No more standing in the closet, no more sleeping in Spot's cage, and from now on every night, you're gonna have to go to bed while it's still dark.
Isn't that a little severe, Herman? Why, you're-you're positively inhuman.
Grandpa, please.
Young man, I'm laying down the law.
You're supposed to have a project ready for the science fair.
Where is it? Well, you see, it's No excuses! I want you to start right away on that project, and I mean right now! [Laughing] [Laughing Continues] What's so funny? It's-It's this joke book.
Listen to this one, Lily.
It'll kill ya.
Well, it's a little late for that but go ahead.
"I just invented something to keep the inside of my car quiet.
It fits right over her mouth.
" [Laughing] And if you think that one's funny, listen to this.
"Two men are walking" Why do you like to read that silly joke book? It's not silly.
Besides, it's very important nowadays to have a sense of humor.
Now, I even noticed it down at the parlor.
During lunch, the guys are always sitting around laughing and joking.
As soon as I walk over, they stop.
Speaking of work, you'd better get going.
You'll be late again.
I guess you're right.
They're starting to call me "the late Herman Munster.
" [Chuckles] Besides, I've gotta take two hours off today to go down and visit Eddie's principal.
Uh, by the way, where is Eddie anyway? He's still down in the laboratory working on his science project.
Okay, Eddie, get the head, and we'll put it on.
?? [Humming] You know, Eddie, this is turning out to be the finest robot we've ever made.
Boy, I sure hope it brings my marks up when I enter it in the science fair at school.
I'm certain it will.
You've worked hard enough on it.
Grandpa helped me.
No, no, I didn't.
I merely supervised.
You know, Marilyn, this boy has a naturally mechanical mind.
?? [Vocalizing] I've been trying to get away from the shop all morning.
But it looks as though I won't be able to make it.
We're just too busy.
People are dying to get in here.
I think it's because of our new layaway plan.
Do you want me to cancel the appointment, Uncle Herman? No.
No, no, no, no.
The school would think we're not reliable.
- Ask your Aunt Lily to go.
- Aunt Lily's not here.
She's gone to the dentist to have her teeth filed.
How about Grandpa going instead? Now, you know Grandpa never goes out in the daytime.
- How would it be if I went? - Oh, would you, dear? Oh, that would be very nice of you.
?? [Organ] I'm sorry, Marilyn.
I have to go now.
They're-They're starting.
That's all right, Uncle Herman.
We all have to go sometime.
Bye.
[Bell Rings] Oh, you run along to class, Eddie.
I'm going in to talk to your principal.
Okay, but I don't think it'll do any good.
Well, it doesn't hurt to try.
Oh, see you later.
And don't be afraid.
He's kind of scary.
[Balding] Come in, please.
[Creaking] Good afternoon.
Are you Eddie Munster's father? No, I'm his grandfather.
At your service.
Well, I'm Taggert, juvenile investigator for the Board of Education.
Came here to check up on Eddie Munster [Exhales Slowly] Environment-wise, that is.
Well, you see, Eddie's parents are not here, but I would be glad to show you around.
[Chuckles] In all my life, I never saw a house in this condition.
Thank you.
Yes, it is hard to believe that my daughter does this all by herself.
Just follow me, Mr.
Taggert.
This is the living room.
[Chuckles] Cozy, isn't it? - You call this cozy.
- Oh, yeah! Chow time! Excuse me.
I have to go and feed the clock.
?? [Humming] More? Nevermore.
[Bubbling] Don't worry, cutie pie.
I haven't forgotten you.
Excuse me.
?? [Singing, Indistinct] ?? [Humming] [Chuckling] Come and get it! He has an amazing appetite for a goldfish.
Eddie was just too ashamed to show us your letters.
I was beginning to think no one in your family cared.
Oh, no.
We were all especially disappointed to hear he was failing science.
"Especially"? You see, my whole family is very interested in science.
My grandfather even has a laboratory in the basement.
Then I can't understand why his science work in school should be so poor.
Well, I guess Eddie was just spending too much time working on his project for the science fair.
It's a robot.
A robot? [Whirring] Eh? Well, what do you think? This is my laboratory, where I, uh, work on some of my experiments.
What are these restraining straps for? Well, some of my experiments don't like it.
Wait'll you see this! ?? [Humming] - What is that? - That's Eddie's robot.
- He made it all by himself.
- It's nothing but a pile of tin cans succotash, baked beans, Harvard beets.
It's amazing what you can do with leftovers.
You wanna see how it works? Never mind! L I don't care whether it works or not.
Any boy who comes from an environment like this has no place in our school system.
After meeting me and visiting Eddie's home, you're throwing him out of school? That is my recommendation.
[Buttons Clicking] [Robot Whirring, Bell Rings] Sic 'im! Oh, yeah? [Clangs] Keep that thing away from me! Help! Help! Good boy! [Cackling] [Grunting, Cursing] After talking with you, I feel Mr.
Taggert may have been a little hasty.
My aunt and uncle will be so glad to hear you're giving Eddie a second chance.
Well, any boy interested enough in science to build a robot deserves a second chance.
Thanks again, Mr.
Balding.
Oh, uh, the youngsters are bringing their projects to the science fair tonight.
Be sure Eddie has his robot there.
My family and I will see you then.
Good.
I'll be looking forward to seeing them face-to-face.
[Mouths Words] Good grief, Taggert! Don't tell me you've become a beatnik at your age.
I have just come from the Munsters' house, and I was lucky to escape with my life.
Any boy who comes from that background has got to be a delinquent.
You should see the boy's grandfather.
He looks like a fatJack the Ripper! Taggert, this is not a reform school.
We can't expel every student you don't like.
There wouldn't be anyone here but the janitor.
Eddie Munster is really different.
Oh, nonsense.
His cousin was right here in my office, and she's a charming, lovely person.
And she convinced me to give the boy a second chance.
[Chuckling] [Laughing] Say, "Ah.
" [Chuckling Continues] Come on! Say, "Ah.
" Ahhh.
Oh! I'm sorry, Grandpa.
I didn't know you had company.
E-Excuse me.
That's not company.
That's Eddie's robot! [Arm Clicks] How do you do? That's amazing.
If the top of his head was a little flatter, he'd look positively human.
[Chuckles] I've seen that robot.
It's not only a piece of junk, it's a menace to society.
It's got a flat head.
Now, that is a sure sign of a criminal type.
I'll see it for myself tonight.
And, Taggert, if you're lying, it's your job.
You're forgetting my brother-in-law's a member of the Board of Education.
I don't care if your father's the governor.
The only job security I have left is to make sure that robot don't work.
Sometimes I wish I'd stayed a prison guard.
You meet a better class of people.
Oh, dear, they've already started.
I knew we'd be late.
Herman, if you hadn't spent so much time reading that joke book, we could've been here an hour ago.
Sorry, dear.
But you know how hard it is to put a book down in the middle of a joke.
Herman, we'll take the robot backstage.
You go and park the car.
[Tires Squealing] Aha! So we meet again! Sic 'im! Oh, no.
Wait a minute! L-I want to apologize.
[Rattling] - I was a bit hasty today.
- That's different.
After seeing the robot, I realized that Eddie must come from a very unusual family.
Thank you.
[Chuckles] Yes, this is, uh, certainly a very handsome, uh, piece of work.
Uh, Mr.
Taggert, are you attending the science fair? No, I want to go over Eddie's records.
I want to make sure he gets, uh, exactly what's coming to him.
Thank you.
Start her up, Eddie.
Let's give it a trial run.
[Bangs, Grinds] [Whistling] What happened? That's the first time I've ever seen a robot with indigestion.
?? [Piano] That was little Andrea Sue Blum, Class Two, B-4, reading her composition, "What Einstein's Theory of Relativity Means to Me.
" Something wrong? It's the robot, Uncle Herman.
It's not working.
- Eddie, try it again.
- [Robot Grinds, Bangs, Whistles] I think it's the carburetor.
The only answer is an emergency carburetorectomy.
Help me get this into the dressing room.
Next is MasterJules Daly, Class Four, A-3, with his own invention, electric chopsticks.
?? [Piano Fanfare] Grandpa, you think you'll be finished on time? They'll be calling for Eddie soon.
- Why don't you just take the robot - Herman, please.
I didn't interfere when you were being put together.
Ready? Ready.
Ready.
Can opener.
Can opener.
Can opener.
[Ratcheting] [Parts Rattling] [Grandpa] Pliers.
Pliers.
Pliers.
[Metal Rattling] [Swoons] [Grandpa] What's the matter with him? You know how squeamish Herman is.
He always faints at the sight of oil.
Rivet.
Rivet.
[Applause] Rivet.
[Balding] Thank you.
Thank you.
The last exhibit on our science fair tonight will be a robot built by young Eddie Munster.
! [Applause] Oh, Grandpa! They're introducing the robot right now.
What'll we do? Lily, please! I mean, these things take time.
After all, I'm only flesh and blood.
Somebody will just have to go out there and stall them until we're ready, like they do in those old Don Ameche movies on TV.
[Aunt Lily] But who? Is it over yet? L I have no idea what's holding things up, but I'm sure he'll be right out.
The robot, please! Stall them? Yes! How? Just talk to them.
Talk to them? Oh, I couldn't.
I'd-I'd be scared to death.
I'd-I'd get stage fright.
What could I say? Why don't you tell them some of those jokes you've been reading in that book? - That ought to keep them amused.
- Now, Herman, this could be your big break.
Go out there and give them everything you've got! Why, just think, Herman.
This could mean Hollywood The Palace! - Come on, dear.
- All right.
[Rhythmic Clapping] I'll go out there.
But I'm not doing this for fame or fortune [Clapping Continues] Or to be the life of the party.
I'm doing this for Eddie.
[Clapping Continues] And here it is now! [Applause Continues] [Collective Gasp, Muttering] [Muttering Continues] Uh.
I've been asked to come out here and, uh, entertain you.
[Laughing] [Applause Continues] [Mouths Words] Amazing! It looks almost alive.
Alice, why can't our Sydney build something like that? He's 16 years old, and he can barely wave bye-bye.
Oh, George! Uh Uh, ladies and gentlemen.
Um, uh-uh, this is my first public appearance.
So, you'll have to bear with me if I don't function too well.
As a matter of fact, this situation reminds me of a story.
One time, Abraham Lincoln was asked if he found appearing at public ceremonies annoying.
He said, "Yes.
"In fact, I feel like the man who was ridden out of town on a rail who said, "If it wasn't for the honor of the thing, I'd rather walk.
"' [Audience Laughs] [Rattling] I think I've found the trouble.
Someone has thrown a wrench in the works.
Who would do a thing like that? [Herman Continues] [In Unison] Taggert! And they even have an invention for keeping the inside of the car quiet.
It fits right over her mouth.
[Laughs] [Laughter] [Cheering, Applause] I'll be right back.
?? [Piano] Whew! [Herman] "Did you take a bath? '" And the kid said, "No.
'" Well, that's as much as I can do.
[Laughter] Now it's all up to that big mechanic in the sky.
Who wears the biggest hat in the world? The man with the biggest head.
[Herman Laughs] ?? [Piano] [Applause] ?? [Continues] Ca-Can we bring it out now? Of course! All we have to do is get Herman off the stage.
Come on.
Careful, Grandpa.
Feet.
Careful.
?? [Continues] [Cheering, Whistling] [Whistling] [Man Shouting] More! [Cheers, Applause Continue] That was great work, Herman.
But you can stop now.
- The robot's fixed.
- Stop now? Are you kidding? You hear 'em out there? I'm a smash.
I tell you.
They're my kind of people.
They love me out there.
I got 'em right in the palm of my hand.
Herman Munster.
! You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Aren't you forgetting something? This is supposed to be Eddie's night, not yours.
But, Lily, l [Crowd Shouting For More] Lily, I guess you're right.
I'm just a big ham.
It was the lights and the applause.
L I just got carried away.
Eddie, do you hear that out there? More.
! More.
! More.
! That's for you.
Now, take your robot and go on out there and kill 'em! - Herman! - Lily, that's just a show business expression.
Okay, Eddie.
Start her up now.
[Bell Ringing] [Bell Clanging] I'm sorry, Eddie.
I've let you down.
It's all my fault.
What am I going to do? There's nothing to do.
I'll just go out and explain.
No, Dad, that's my job.
[Sighs] No! Eddie just informed me his robot exploded backstage.
[Disappointed Groans] However-However, I think I speak for everyone here when I say the special prize should still go to Eddie Munster.
Yeah! [Indistinct] Really? Eddie tells me he doesn't deserve to win.
He was helped by his grandfather.
You know, I think such honesty should be rewarded.
Eddie, my young friend, you're the kind of a boy we're proud to have in our school.
[Man] I agree.
! [Applause Continues] I think our Eddie has just become a man! And the hard way, not like you, Herman.
That's our boy.
[Chuckles] Where's Eddie? And where's my joke book? I haven't seen it.
And Eddie's down in the lab.
He and Grandpa are working on a new project.
Another invention? It's got something to do with the robot.
Hmph.
It's remarkable how that boy's marks have improved.
He's liable to turn out just like me if he keeps his head to the grindstone.
I'm so glad to hear they sent that awful Mr.
Taggert back to prison service.
It's men like him who give prisons a bad name.
"Why does a chicken cross the road?" [Robotic Monotone] To get on the other side.
[Laughing] That was good, Eddie.
Good.
Try another one.
"Why do firemen wear red suspenders?" To keep their pants up.
Eddie, we'll make a fortune.
They say vaudeville is dead, but you and I, we're gonna bring it back to life.
Yuk, yuk, yuk.
[Bell Rings]