The Munsters (1964) s01e12 Episode Script

The Sleeping Cutie

[Sputtering] Gr-Grandpa, I won't stand for it! It's a terrible thing to do.
It's downright murder! Herman, I know it could be a disaster, but I think we ought to let Grandpa go through with his experiment.
Herman, I just wanna fill your gas tank with water.
But it's crazy trying to turn water into gasoline with a pill.
Uh, uh You'll ruin my beautiful car.
Herman, why don't we humor him? Last time we did, he invented athlete's foot.
I forgot about that.
Uh, uh Go ahead, Grandpa.
And now for my "instant gasoline" pill.
[Liquid Gurgling] - What's it doing? - Never mind that, Herman.
Just get in and start 'er up.
Grandpa, it'll never work.
[Chuckles] Oh, Herman, don't be such a doubting Thomas.
[Engine Starts] [Engine Revving] [Tires Screeching] Grandpa, you're a genius.
[Vehicle Approaching] - [Tires Screeching] - [Engine Shuts Off] [Laughing] Grandpa, I drove all the way around the block.
[Laughing] [Laughing] What kept you? Grandpa? You're not writing crank letters to "Dear Abby" again? No, of course not.
I'm sending a sample of my "instant gasoline" pill to the Reliable Oil Company.
Ho ho! Boy, when they buy my invention, we'll all be millionaires.
Well, we could certainly use some money.
I'd like to carpet the dungeon in wall-to-wall moss and get some new lightning rods for the house.
I think you're being very selfish.
You should stop thinking of yourself and share your invention with mankind.
I am gonna share it, 50-50.
They get the pill.
I get the money.
- Now, really.
- [Lily] Oh, Marilyn.
Oh, my.
Those circles under your eyes how lovely you look today.
Well, I wish I felt as well as I look.
I just haven't been able to sleep for the last two nights.
Have you tried hanging from the rafters with your head down like I do? I'd like to, Grandpa, but I just don't seem to have the toes for it.
Well, I'll go down to the lab later, and I'll mix you up something.
Um, uh, all right, but be careful.
I don't trust those homemade remedies of yours.
[Scoffs] The last time, you invented a medicine for which there was no disease.
I'm not kidding, Mr.
According to the old gentleman's letter, he's found a way to turn water into gasoline.
I know you're not kidding, Dick, but that's one of the oldest wheezes in the oil business.
Sir, look.
I'll drop this pill into this pan of water.
Now, smell it.
[Sniffing] Sure, it smells like gasoline.
A lot of them do.
But that's as far as it goes.
Now, don't waste your time with him.
He's just an old crackpot.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
[Explosion] W-W-Well, don't just stand there.
Like I said, go get that old genius signed up.
[Object Clattering] [Laughing, Coughing] Let me see.
Two parts monassium contabinate.
Two parts? Now, Herman, please.
I'm working on my "instant gasoline" formula.
If Louis Pasteur had had you looking over his shoulder, I'm sure he never would have invented rabies.
Uh, uh You could use some advice from me.
[Scoffs] I hung around labs long before I was born.
Hi, Grandpa.
You haven't come across a cure for insomnia, have you? No.
I'm sorry.
I've been busy working on my gas pill.
Are you still having trouble getting to sleep, dear? I didn't sleep a wink last night.
I'll tell you what, Marilyn.
Now you just sit right down here, and I'll put you to sleep with my hypnotism.
I'm very good at that, you know.
Now you just concentrate on my watch, all right? Now look at the watch and concentrate.
Abracadabra, hop toad pie, look your grandpa in the eye.
When your grandpa counts to three, fast asleep you're going to be.
One, two, three! [Crash] Oh, well.
There's a wise guy in every crowd.
Don't worry, Marilyn.
I'll mix you a sleeping potion.
Now, let me see.
Where are the recipes? Grandpa, it's a telegram from the oil company.
They're sending a man tomorrow to discuss your invention with you.
That's fine.
I'll have a batch of my "instant gasoline" pills ready by then.
But what about my insomnia? Don't worry, Marilyn.
I'll make you a sleeping potion at the same time.
Grandpa, are you sure you know what you're doing? Now, Lily, please.
Don't tell a mad scientist how to run his business.
Herman? Herman, you get up.
[Murmuring] I wish you wouldn't take naps down here.
You know I like to keep a neat dungeon.
Uh, yes, dear.
[Electricity Humming] [Explosion] [Groans] Grandpa and his experiments! Why couldn't I have had a normal father-in-law who goes to church at night and plays bingo? Oh, calm down, Herman.
So he blows up the house once in a while.
He just wants to feel needed.
Besides, he has to get those gasoline pills made, and he has to find a sleeping potion for Marilyn.
Oh, Marilyn, dear.
Why are you up so late? I just can't get to sleep.
I'm going to see if Grandpa's made me the sleeping potion yet.
I'm just dead on my feet.
Isn't everybody? Ah! This is the thing I've been looking for.
[Glass Shatters] [Moans] Marilyn! Don't ever do that.
You'll scare me right out of my skin, and you know how hard it is to get back into it.
I'm sorry, Grandpa, but I've got to have that sleeping potion.
Oh, don't worry.
I've got it all ready.
?? [Humming] Let me see Aha! Here it is.
No, no.
That's not it either.
[Muttering] No, no.
Ah! Here it is.
[Chuckling] I'll put a head on it for you.
?? [Humming] Heh.
Bottoms up.
Thank you, Grandpa, but I don't feel a thing.
I'm still as wide awake as ?? [Humming] [Murmurs] Nighty-night.
[Sighs] Good morning, Lily.
Good morning, dear.
Oh, my.
You look positively green around the gills.
Oh, thank you.
Good morning, Mom.
Good morning, Pop.
Good morning, Eddie.
Good morning, family.
Good morning.
Good morning, Grandpa.
Uh, say, has Marilyn come up yet? No, no.
She's asleep in the lab still.
Eddie, you'd better go down and wake her up.
She'll be late for class.
Oh, he's such a good boy.
Yes, but I wish he'd learn to be neater.
I keep telling him over and over again not to leave these empty pet food cans around after he's fed Spot.
He leaves them all over the place.
[Can Clatters] Grandpa, how's the gasoline pill going? The man from the oil company's coming today.
I got a little sidetracked making a sleeping potion for Marilyn, but I'll have those pills ready in time.
[Herman] You know, Grandpa, your invention may revolutionize motoring.
Instead of gasoline, we may all need credit cards to buy water.
[Laughing] Mom! Dad! Marilyn won't wake up.
What? I shook her, but she just lies there.
Oh, dear! [Grandpa] Hurry.
[Clapping] Well, Grandpa, just don't stand there.
Do something.
That's it, all right.
What do you mean? Well, I got a little confused.
I must have given her the Sleeping Beauty potion by mistake.
Oh! That means she'll sleep forever.
No, no.
The spell can be broken.
To wake this sleeping beauty, you must remember this.
To break the spell of slumber, a prince her lips must kiss.
[Kisses] [Pounding] Oh, my.
That's the front door.
Grandpa, you'd better do something fast.
But, Grandpa, wh-wh-where are we ever gonna get a handsome prince to kiss Marilyn? Oh, where are we gonna get a handsome prince, period? [Door Creaking] [Wind Blowing] Mrs.
Munster? Yes? I'm, uh I'm the Reliable Oil Company.
L-I mean I'm from the Reliable Oil Company, and-and I have some business I'd like to discuss with your father.
Oh, I'm sorry, but he's terribly busy right now.
Could you come back later? You see, it's a family problem, a domestic crisis.
Oh, couldn't I just speak to him for a minute? [Sighs] I'm terribly sorry, but it's out of the question right now.
You come back later, all right? I have to get back to the dungeon.
Yes, of course.
"The dungeon"? [Tsks] If you'd just keep your files straight, Grandpa, this never would have happened.
You're right, Herman.
I've done a terrible thing to Marilyn.
You shouldn't have kept that stupid Sleeping Beauty formula around in the first place.
It's too dangerous.
I'll get rid of it right now.
Where is it? Oh.
Ha ha.
There it is.
I'll take care of this right now.
[Chuckles] Good riddance.
Then what's this? Oh, this? Oh, no! This is the Sleeping Beauty formula.
Then, uh, then what I burned the formula for instant gasoline.
Grandpa, you are the world's oldest goofball.
Domestic crisis? Why, Dick, boy, they're just stalling.
What kind of domestic crisis? I don't know exactly, sir.
It's kind of strange over there that-that house and everything.
Well, all these geniuses are a little odd.
Why would they want to stall me off? They probably want to get some offers from some of the other oil companies.
And play one bid off against the other.
And that means we've got to act fast.
Dick, I want you to get back there, get that slippery old fox signed up.
I don't care what you go through.
Just sign him up.
Yes, sir.
If you come back with that contract, it means a vice presidency.
A vice presidency? Yes, sir.
And remember, Dick, the honor and integrity of the Reliable Oil Company is at stake.
So get that contract by hook or crook! Yes, sir.
[Croaking] Nah! Duds, every one of'em.
Not a prince in the whole bunch.
[Scoffs] [Frogs Croaking] [Sighs] Hmm! They just don't make frogs the way they used to in Transylvania.
Grandpa! You and your old-world methods.
Hah! Lily and I are going about it the modern, sensible way.
And, uh, what is the "modern, sensible way" to find the prince? Look in the Yellow Pages? No.
We put an ad in the newspaper.
Uh, listen to this.
"Wanted: Genuine prince.
"Must be young and handsome.
White steed optional.
"Temporary employment.
Fringe benefits.
" [Scoffing Laugh] Bah! You won't even get frogs with that.
[Lily] I'm afraid you're wrong, Grandpa.
Eddie says there are already two applicants upstairs who answered the ad.
I'm going to interview them.
Oh, and, Herman, when we're ready for the kissing, I'll call you to bring Marilyn up.
Hah! What are they putting on here? Uh, I don't know.
My agent sent me over.
Said they advertised for a prince.
Goodness, Newmar, these off-Broadway theaters get creepier and further out all the time.
- Gentlemen.
- Well, whatever they're doing, they're already in rehearsal.
It's so nice of you to come.
Uh, I understand you're lookin' for a prince.
Uh, just exactly what is it we're to do? Are you familiar with the story of Sleeping Beauty? Sleeping Beau Oh, yes.
A delightful fable.
Oh, I was in the Beckett adaptation at Royal Beach.
It's nice to be versatile.
But the prince I'm looking for will have to give an authentic kiss.
Uh, what's the motivation? What's the salary? You gonna have tryouts? Tryouts? Yeah.
You know, test the both of us and decide which of us is best.
Oh, that's a splendid idea.
Herman? We're ready.
Man, this is certainly a fascinating theater you got here.
This isn't a theater.
This is our home.
Your home? [Footsteps Thumping] Newmar.
Look! They're the rudest pair I've ever seen.
[Object Clattering] Lily, I'll bet you forgot to warn them about Marilyn's looks.
Oh, I did forget.
Oh, dear.
I love her so much I keep forgetting about her handicap.
Poor dear.
Well, thank goodness she has us to stand between her and the world.
[Wind Blowing] [Shutters Clattering] [Creature Snarling] Back, Spot, back.
Bad boy.
Oh, it's you.
He must have thought you were the new milkman.
Doesn't he like milkmen? Oh, he loved the last one.
He kept burying him in the backyard.
Very playful.
Oh, yes.
[Stammering] Mrs.
Munster, I have some pressing business which I simply must discuss "father" with your "further.
" I mean, further with your-your father.
Perhaps you remember me.
Yes, and I'm awfully sorry, but Father is still too busy to see you.
But, Mrs.
Munster, l-I am with the Reliable Oil Company, and I can match or better any deal you may have been offered by the competition.
I am sure you're what you say, but I'm sorry.
He just hasn't got the time to see you.
Today is one of those days when just everything seems to go wrong.
If you'd only give me a chance.
I just keep telling you, young man Is this Is this S-S-Spot? Good heavens, no.
Spot's an animal.
This is my husband.
Uh, how do you do? Hello.
Herman, why did you invite him in? I just explained to the young man that Father can't see him.
Now, Lily, of course he can see Mr.
Herman, l"Prince"? Won't you come in? Please.
Please, Mr.
[Chuckling] That's right.
Richard A.
Oh, at last our prince has come.
Then you really have royal blood in your veins? Oh, yes.
L Thank you.
I understand that's how we got the family name.
Of course, it was a long time ago.
Well, as they say, old blood is always the best.
[Chokes] Yes, uh Oh, thank you.
You know No.
No, thanks.
You're all being so nice to me, l-I can't help thinking there's a catch to it.
It's almost as though I were as though I were being fattened up for something.
Is-Isn't that silly? [Snickering] [Both Laughing] Oh, what a sense of humor.
Well, Dick, my boy, I'm ready to do business with your company.
Uh, but, uh, Grandpa, didn't you b-u-r-n the you know what? Herman, please.
Let me handle this.
I have the forms right here, sir.
Eh, not so fast.
There's just one little thing.
Oh, if it's a matter of money No, no, no, no.
It's not a matter of money.
You see, it's-it's a matter of tradition.
Now, you see, we're from the Old Country, and we have a family custom that, before we discuss a business deal, the party of the second part that's you [Chuckles] Must kiss the youngest member of the family.
You mean I have to kiss him? What we mean is the youngest female member of the family.
She's down in the dungeon.
The dungeon.
Tell me, which, uh Which side of the family does she resemble? No.
No, no, no.
Don't tell me.
Prince, I have to be frank with you.
Poor Marilyn is well, to put it bluntly less attractive than the rest of the family.
You might say she's the ugly duckling.
And-And you want me to kiss her? Well, you can close your eyes.
Come on.
And then we talk business.
Then we talk business.
[Trapdoor Creaking] - [Squeaking] - Igor, now mind your manners.
I told you, no snacks between meals.
Uh, Mr.
Prince, I'd like you to meet my niece.
This is the ugly duckling? Wonderful.
! Now we can go up and discuss the deal.
What What deal is that? [Herman Murmuring] Uh Uh, Mr.
Prince? Uh [Stammering] Mr.
Prince? Uh, Mr.
Now, sir, about our deal.
Grandpa, tell him.
Well, uh [Clears Throat] Dick, my boy, there's a little something that you ought to know.
The Reliable Oil Company is prepared to pay the sum of $50,000 to you to keep your product off the market.
You see, it's like this Did you say keep it off the market? Yes, of course.
We certainly have no intention of giving up the gasoline business.
All you have to do is keep your formula off the market.
Oh, I think that can be arranged.
What was that last sum that you just mentioned? $50,000.
Yes? What? Uh, he'll sign the contracts, but we can't take the money.
Can't take the money? No, of course not.
Not after what he's done for our poor unfortunate little girl.
Besides, the big dummy burnt the formula.
Allow me.
Bats! Well, that's That's more than generous of you, sir.
L-I must say.
And now if the, uh, "poor unfortunate little girl" has no objections, I'd like to take her out to celebrate.
Well, I can't make the excuse of being too sleepy.
I'd love to.
Good night, Mrs.
Munster, Mr.
Good night, sir.
Say, kids, uh, uh You can have the car, but, uh, remember.
Have it back before 12:00, or it'll turn into a pumpkin.
Thank you, sir.
[Sighs] Oh, Herman.
You're so sweet and thoughtful.
[Door Closes] When they made you, they broke the mold.
That doctor always was a butterfingers.